How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Know Whether You Feel Emotionally Safe?

In my prior article, Recognizing When You're Safe or Unsafe in Your Interpersonal Relationships, I discussed basic issues about feeling emotionally safe based on your nervous system (Polyvagal Theory), personal history and other relevant factors.

In the current article I'm discussing how trauma can affect your ability to know whether you feel emotionally safe.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

Unresolved trauma can have a profound effect on your mind and body. It can also impair your ability to know whether you're safe or not.

What is Psychological Trauma?

Before I discuss the impact of trauma, let's first define trauma.

You can experience trauma emotionally, psychologically and physically due to a distressing event (or events) that overwhelm your ability to cope.

The event can be a single incident like a natural disaster, a robbery, an assault or other types of one-time events (see my article: What is Shock Trauma?).

Trauma can also be ongoing events such as recurrent abuse in a relationship. It can also be related to repeated traumatic events in childhood trauma, also known as developmental trauma.

You can also be impacted by the chronic stress related to trauma on a physical level including:

• Sleep problems
• Chronic pain
• Hypervigilance
• Cardiovascular issues
• Weakened immune system
• Digestive problems
• Inflammatory disorders such as Type 2 diabetes, asthma, arthritis and so on

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Know Whether You Feel Safe?

Unresolved trauma can affect your ability to sense safety by keeping you in a constant state of high alert (also known as hypervigilance). This can make it difficult to interpret safe situations from dangerous situations.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

Unresolved trauma can also create dissociation where you feel emotionally and psychologically numb. 

Dissociation might have been an effective survival strategy if you were overwhelmed by distressing events when you were a child because it kept you from being completely overwhelmed. However, as an adult, dissociation can have a negative impact on your ability to trust your own judgment or trust other people.

Being either hypervigilant or emotionally numb (dissociated) can impair your ability to know if certain situations are safe or unsafe.

In general, you might have problems connecting with others and forming healthy relationships because you might interpret safe situations as unsafe and unsafe situations as safe.

You might have extreme emotional reactions to relatively small stressors, not react to big stressors or you might have difficulty finding a middle ground.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

Unresolved trauma can also impair your ability to deal with conflict. Whereas most people don't like conflict, you might not be able to avoid certain conflicts in your relationships. 

So, if you can't deal with conflict, you might resort to people pleasing (also known as fawning) to avoid conflict and keep the peace--even if it comes at the expense of your  psychological, emotional or physical well-being.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Anna

As an only child, Anna grew up in a family where she experienced emotional abuse, neglect and sexual abuse by her father.  

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

The sexual abuse began when she was 10 years old. At the time, her mother was in and out of the hospital due to serious chronic health problems. 

During those long stretches of time when her mother was away, her father, who had alcohol problems, would get drunk and come into her room late at night when Anna was sleeping. She would awaken suddenly to discover her father fondling her breasts.  

Not knowing how to respond, Anna froze and her father told her that if she told anyone else that he touched her, she would take her away by Child Welfare and they would make live with strangers in a foster care home.

Anna was frightened and confused by her father's inappropriate touching, but she was even more afraid of being forced to live with strangers, so she didn't tell anyone what was happening at home.

Her teacher noticed that Anna was withdrawn and she spoke to Anna after class to ask her if there was a problem at home. In response, Anna denied any problems at home because she was afraid. After that, Anna's teacher called her home and Anna's father told the teacher that Anna was feeling sad due to the mother's hospitalization.

The father continued to sexually abuse Anna for several months whenever he got drunk. After the first experience, Anna was hypervigilant at night, especially when she heard her father's footsteps approaching her room.  After a while, Anna pretended to be asleep and she numbed herself while her father was touching her. 

After Anna's maternal aunt came to stay with Anna and her father, her father no longer visited her at night.  

As a child, Anna never told anyone about the sexual abuse because she was too afraid. But when she began dating in college, she didn't know how to discern safe situations from unsafe situations.

Her lack of discernment created problems for her because she would sometimes put herself at potential risk by going into the cars of young men she didn't know because she thought she could trust them. In one incident, she was almost sexually assaulted, but her friends, who were nearby, heard Anna yelling and they rushed over to get her out of the car.

In another situation, she was too afraid to accept an invitation to go for a walk with another young man, John, because she didn't know whether or not she could trust him.  Later on, she spoke with her friends, who knew John well, and they told they didn't think she needed to worry.

Over time, Anna continued to see John and she realized she could trust him. Getting to the point where she could trust him wasn't easy. But after they got into a relationship and they talked about being sexual, Anna felt an overwhelming fear of sex. 

Initially, she didn't understand what her fear was about, but she knew she needed help, so she sought out a licensed mental health professional.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

After her therapist did a thorough family history, Anna revealed the childhood sexual abuse. It was the first time she had ever told anyone.

Her therapist helped Anna to understand the connection between the sexual abuse and her inability to discern whether she was safe or not in interpersonal relationships. She also helped her to understand the connection between her fear of sex and the abuse.

Using a combination of EMDR therapy and IFS Parts Work therapy, her therapist helped Anna to work through her unresolved trauma.

EMDR and IFS are both safe and effective types of trauma therapy which were developed to help clients to work through unresolved trauma.

Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Safety

The work was neither quick nor easy but, gradually, over time Anna began to feel unburdened by her trauma. She also learned in her trauma therapy how to detect internal and external cues to discern safe situations from possibly unsafe situations.

Over time, Anna and John were able to have pleasurable sex as she worked through her trauma. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Unresolved trauma can impair your ability to know whether you're safe. It can also have a negative impact on your interpersonal relationships.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy, including EMDR, Parts Work therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and other types of trauma therapy can help you to work through unresolved trauma in a safe and effective way.

If you feel unresolved trauma has had a negative impact in your life, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced trauma therapy training and skills.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adult and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Transference in Relationships?

I discussed the topic of transference in prior articles as it relates to psychotherapy (see the list of articles at the end of this article).

In the current article, I'm focusing on transference in relationships.

Aside from the transference that clients experience in therapy, transference can also occur in everyday relationships, especially romantic relationships.

Transference in Relationships

In general, transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past onto a person in your current life. These can be both positive and negative feelings.

Transference can cause you to react to someone in your current life as if they were someone from your past.  Transference tends to happen more in intimate relationships.

This often leads to misunderstandings in your relationship and emotional responses that don't belong to the present relationship.  This usually occurs because you have unresolved issues from the past that get played out in your relationship.

One of the keys to having healthier relationships is to recognize and understand when you're transferring these feelings and attitudes from the past into your present circumstances (see my article: Learning to Separate Then From Now).

What Does Transference Look Like in Relationships?

• Redirecting Feelings: You redirect feelings from the past onto your current partner. 

• Unconscious Behavior: When you redirect feelings from the past onto your partner, this happens on an unconscious level. For instance, let's say you grew up with a critical father when you were a child and, now that you're an adult, your partner tries to be supportive by making a suggestion about how you can do something in a better way. If you're experiencing transference for your partner, you could hear their suggestion as being critical when it's not. If so, you could experience unexplained anxiety, anger or resentment towards your partner--similar to what you felt towards your critical father. You might get confused about your feelings in the current circumstances because the trigger is outside of your awareness (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

Transference in Relationships

• Replaying Old Patterns: You can replay old patterns from the past in your current relationship and, over time, this leads to unhealthy dynamics between you and your partner.

• Intense Reactions: As mentioned above, reacting to your partner as if they were someone from your past can lead to disproportionate reactions in your current relationship (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past).

How Can You Manage Transference in Your Current Relationship?

• Develop Awareness: Notice when your reactions seem out of proportion to the situation. Ask yourself:
• Why am I having such a strong reaction to my partner when they're trying to be supportive?
• Have I felt this way before?
• When have I felt this way before?
• What was happening in that past situation?
• How do these feelings from the past remain unresolved for me?

• Be Aware of the Differences Between the Past and the Present: Be aware of how your partner is different from the person in your past. This is often easier said than done when you're trying to do it on your own (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Separate the Past From the Present: Make an effort to separate your past self from your present self. For instance, recognize that you're no longer a child struggling with this issue when you experienced it in the past. Also, separate your partner as an individual from the person you reacted to in the past. 

Transference in Relationships

• Communicate: Once you realize you reacted to your partner as if they were someone from the past, communicate this openly to your partner. This can help your partner to understand why you had such a strong reaction towards them. It can also help you to express your feelings under the current situation (as opposed to the past). You can also get clarification from your partner as to what they were actually trying to communicate to you as opposed to what you thought they were saying.

• Seek Help in Therapy: A licensed mental health professional, who is a trauma therapist, can help you to explore the origins of these feelings, learn how to cope with them and, ultimately, learn how to work through whatever unresolved traumatic feelings you have from the past (see my article: Working Through Unsolved Trauma From the Past So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

Jim and his wife, Tina, usually got along well. But whenever Jim heard Tina telling him how he could be more organized, no matter how kind and supportive she tried to say it, Jim experienced her comments as critical and he reacted angrily.

Transference in Relationships

Immediately after he reacted, he realized his reaction was out of proportion to what Tina was saying to him and he felt confused, guilty and ashamed. Then, he would apologize to Tina and tell her, "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I realize now you're trying to be supportive, but when you said it, I got angry."

Tina usually accepted Jim's apology, but after this occurred several times, she suggested he get help in therapy because she was fed up with his reactions. 

She told him, "I'm afraid to make any kind of suggestion to you, but now that you're calm again, I think you should get help in therapy because you keep having these big reactions and I'm getting fed up."

Jim realized that, even though he felt regret and remorse for overreacting, if he continued to react this way towards Tina, she might leave him. So, he obtained a referral from his primary care physician for psychotherapy.

Jim's doctor referred him to a trauma specialist.

After getting a thorough family history, the trauma therapist helped Jim to realize his reaction belonged to unresolved issues with his father. She told him he was reacting to Tina as if she was his critical father.

Jim told his therapist that his father had a hair trigger temper and whenever Jim made a mistake as a child, instead of trying to be supportive and helpful, his father would lose his temper and criticize Jim.

Jim recalled that, over the course of his childhood, his father yelled at him many times for small mistakes. His father also humiliated him in front of his friends and other family members which left Jim feeling ashamed, angry and upset.

Since Jim's father died, it was no longer possible for Jim to work out these issues with him. But Jim also knew that even if his father was still alive, his father wouldn't have been open to talking about it.

Over time, Jim's therapist helped him to work through his unresolved feelings from the past using EMDR and Parts Work Therapy. 

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Jim stuck with it because he wanted to save his marriage and he didn't want to continue to reacting in the present based on unresolved issues from the past.

As Jim learned to be aware of the present versus the past and to communicate better with Tina, their relationship improved.

By the time he completed trauma therapy, Jim felt relieved to no longer being carrying a burden from the past.

Conclusion

Transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past to someone in your present life.

Transference can occur in any relationship including with your partner, a friend, a family member or your therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

When you learn to distinguish your unconscious feelings in the present from your unresolved feelings from the past, you can develop a more conscious awareness of what's happening to you.

Although you might realize after you react that you're really reacting to some unresolved issue from the past, your awareness might not be enough to keep you from continually reacting this way.

A licensed mental professional, who is trained to help clients to work through unresolved trauma is called a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved problems from the past so you're no longer getting triggered and overreacting with your partner.

Once you have worked through your unresolved problems, you can have a healthier relationship and live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through unresolved traumatic issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Other Articles About Transference:

What is Transference in Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference 

Boundary Violations in Therapy  

Psychotherapy and the Idealized Transference. 

How Can Intergenerational Trauma Affect Your Ability to Make Decisions?

In the current article I'm discussing how trauma can affect decision-making. 

Intergenerational Trauma and Fear of Making Decisions

What Are Some of the Psychological Factors For Fear of Making Decisions?

If you have this problem with making decisions, it's important to start with compassion.

Developing Self Awareness and Compassion

It's important to look beyond the surface with compassion so you won't be so hard on yourself.

In general, every person who has problems making decisions is unique and has their own set of psychological factors related to decision-making.

Here are some of the most common factors:

• Pessimism and Fear of Change: A negative or pessimistic perspective can lead to only focusing on the potential downside to every possible decision.

• Insecurity: Personal insecurities can lead to someone having difficulty with potential decisions.

• A Problem Solving Identity: Some people like to see themselves as problem solvers for themselves and for others. This helps them to feel useful and needed. However, it can also become a crutch to avoid making decisions.

• Cognitive Dissonance: Some people experience an internal conflict when faced with solutions that challenge their beliefs. This can lead to their challenging every possible solution offered to them to maintain a sense of internal consistency (see my article: Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a particular type of trauma, intergenerational trauma, an affect making decisions:

Liz

When her boyfriend, Ray, recommended that she seek help in therapy, Liz wasn't open to the idea at first. But when he talked to her about the many times she approached her problems with pessimism and fear of change, she realized she had a problem, so she sought help in therapy.

Anxiety and Fear of Change

When her therapist asked Liz about her family history, Liz revealed that both of her parents had problems making decisions because they usually feared the worst possible outcome.  

Both of Liz's parents experienced intergenerational related to severe poverty. So, even though her parents were now financially secure, whenever they had to make any decision about money, they approached the decision making process with pessimism, anxiety and dread (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

The smallest financial decision created so much anxiety that they would find a problem with any possible decision. This lead to procrastination so they made decisions at the last possible moment. This often lead to poor choices in many cases because they weren't able to think about the choices calmly so they made last minute decisions in haste.

Even as a young child, Liz understood that her parents' anxiety and dread were misplaced. She knew that, unlike earlier generations, both of her parents were in high paying professions and they could relax more about money. 

But even though Liz understood it logically, on an emotional level, she took in her parents' fears and anxiety on an unconscious level.  

This created problems between Liz and Ray because whenever they were faced with certain decisions related to spending money, like whether to buy new furniture or whether they could afford to go on vacation, Liz had so much anxiety that she couldn't make a decision.

Logically, Liz knew she and Ray could afford the furniture and a vacation, but whenever he proposed various options, she found reasons to reject everything he proposed.  She couldn't understand why she couldn't reconcile her logical thoughts with her emotions.

After hearing about her family history, Liz's therapist provided her with psychoeducation about intergenerational trauma. 

Although Liz wasn't happy to hear that she was traumatized, her therapist's explanation made sense to her, especially when she heard about the symptoms. 

Some of the symptoms of intergenerational trauma resonated with her, including:

• Persistent anxiety

• Hypervigilance (a constant state of high alert or feeling a sense of threat)

• Problems with emotional regulation

• Shame
  

• Guilt
  

Liz's therapist worked with her to prepare her to do trauma therapy. Since Liz's anxiety was so high, she needed several months of preparation and stabilization before they could start processing her trauma in trauma therapy.

Part of the preparation involved developing self compassion and better coping skills.

When her therapist assessed Liz was ready to work through her trauma, they did a combination of IFS Parts Work Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR Therapy over a period of several months.

Whenever they discovered an emotional block in the trauma therapy, her therapist used Imaginal Interweaves to help Liz overcome the block (see my article: What Are Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy?).

Even though the work took over a year until Liz worked through her trauma, she felt incremental relief along the way.

Overcoming Anxiety and Fear of Change

Over time, Liz experienced her emotions as being more in synch with her logical understanding. She was able to modify her emotions and behavior to make decisions without anxiety, pessimism or fear of change.

Whenever she considered possible solutions to problems, she was able to consider each options and make a decision without finding problems with every solution.

Trauma therapy enabled Liz to free herself from a history of intergenerational trauma.

Conclusion

If you have unresolved trauma, a good place to start is developing self awareness and compassion.

Most people don't want to create problems for themselves and others when they're trying to solve problems or make decisions, so there's usually a coherent reason. 

If the reason isn't apparent, it's often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist can help you to identify the psychological factors involved and work through the problems (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

If the problems are related to trauma, seeking help from a psychotherapist who is a trauma therapist can help you to overcome the trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life free from your history of trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Similarities and Differences Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Contemporary Psychoanalysis?

In my prior article, Integrating Contemporary Psychoanalysis and Experiential Therapy, I discussed integrating experiential therapy and contemporary psychoanalysis.

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

As I mentioned in that article, experiential therapy includes :

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Parts Work Therapy (Ego States Therapy and IFS: Internal Family Systems)

• Emotion Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)

• Somatic Experiencing

In the current article I'm exploring the similarities and differences between IFS Parts Work Therapy and contemporary psychoanalysis, in particular, relational psychoanalysis.

For a basic explanation of contemporary psychoanalysis and experiential therapy see my prior article.

Similarities Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

Both IFS Parts Work Therapy and contemporary psychoanalysis:

• Recognize the Importance of the Unconscious Mind: Mental processes in contemporary psychoanalysis and parts work in IFS emphasize the importance of the unconscious mind (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

• Non-Pathologizing Stance: Both therapies have moved away from the pathologizing the client's internal world which was common in traditional psychotherapy in the past. Specifically, IFS views the client's internal world as made up of various parts that have good intentions. Contemporary psychoanalysis focuses on understanding the client's internal object relations and defenses rather than labeling them as problems.

• A Goal of Self Understanding: Both therapies promote the client's self understanding and self acceptance.

• The Influence of the Past in the Present Day: Both approaches acknowledge the here-and-now experiences of the client as well as the influence of the client's personal history, including early relationships.

Differences Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

The Client's View of Self

• IFS Parts Work: Assumes an inherent undamaged Core Self within every person. Core Self is composed of the 8 Cs: Compassion, calmness, curiosity, creativity, confidence, clarity, courage, connectedness. A primary goal of IFS is to access the Core Self so the client can be lead from Core Self and not by their various parts.

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: Assumes the self is a product of interpersonal relationships and internal representations (object relationships). The focus is on developing a cohesive, authentic self within the relational matrix.

The Therapist's Role

• IFS Parts Work: The therapist is a guide and a mediator to help the client to focus on their Core Self and work with their internal parts (also known as subpersonalities).

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: The therapist is an active participant in the therapy with a "real" relationship between the therapist and the client. The focus is on the therapeutic relationship as a vehicle for an emotional corrective experience and insight.

Technique

• IFS Parts Work: The therapist uses experiential techniques, including internal dialog and visualization, to interact directly with the internal parts.

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: There is an emphasis on exploring transference and countertransference and the client's internal world as it manifests in the therapy.

Focus on Transference

• IFS Parts Work: Transference is understood as the client's internal parts interacting with the therapist's internal parts. When it is therapeutically beneficial, the therapist might comment on their own parts in an effort to inform the client's process.

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: The client's transference and the therapist's countertransference are central to the therapy. Both transference and countertransference offer important information about the client's internal world as well as past and present relationships.

Use of Metaphor

• IFS Parts Work: Uses a concrete metaphor about the client's "internal family" with specific roles for these parts (managers, firefighters, exiles) to understand the structure of the client's internal world.

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: Tends to use more theoretical and nuanced language to describe internal dynamics, often viewing parts as metaphors for defended affects and anxiety responses.

Client Empowerment

• IFS Parts Work: Emphasizes "self leadership" (Core Self) to empower clients to foster lifelong skills and internal harmony (see my article: Parts Work Can Be Empowering).

IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

• Contemporary Psychoanalysis: Relational approaches to contemporary psychoanalysis have shifted to a more collaborative approach in therapy between the client and the therapist with the understanding that the therapy is co-created between therapist and client.

Integrating IFS Parts Work and Contemporary Psychoanalysis

As I mentioned in my prior article, many psychotherapists who have a contemporary psychoanalytic background, like me, are also trained in IFS Parts Work.

The integration of both approaches is beneficial for clients because they get the benefits of an in-depth, relational therapy, like contemporary psychoanalysis, and an embodied approach, like IFS, to combine the best parts of both approaches.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS and Ego States Parts Work Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Other Articles About IFS Parts Work Therapy:

How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Understand Yourself

Understanding the Different Parts of Yourself

Parts Work Therapy Can Be Empowering

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Help With Anxiety?

Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?

Also See My Article About Contemporary Psychotherapy:

Redefining the Traditional View of "Resistance" in Psychotherapy