Hello Impostor Syndrome My Old Friend

Back in 2015 I wrote an article about Overcoming Impostor Syndrome and I'm revisiting this topic today from a personal perspective, which I hope will be helpful to you.

What is Impostor Syndrome?

Impostor syndrome is a psychological experience of feeling like a fraud either in an intellectual or professional setting. 

Impostor syndrome is a subjective experience of self doubt about one's abilities or  accomplishments as compared to others and despite evidence to the contrary.

There is often a fear of being exposed as a fraud. This can include feeling undeserving of success or luck. 

Impostor Syndrome

Although impostor syndrome isn't listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual as a psychiatric diagnosis, it's a real phenomenon.  

It's not a mental disorder--it's a syndrome.

What is Impostor Syndrome For Psychotherapists?

Impostor syndrome often occurs for new therapists or therapists in training at various times in their career when they're learning new skills.

I remember feeling impostor syndrome when I began psychoanalytic training in 1996. 

I was just out of graduate school without much clinical experience, so I felt unprepared to jump into clinical work at the postgraduate clinic where I was assigned clients. 

Just before I met my first client, I felt like I was standing high up on a diving board waiting to dive in. I felt anxious and unprepared. 

As I sat in my newly assigned psychotherapy office, which was the size of a monk's cell, I read over the client's intake which was performed by a graduate student intern.

By the time I finished reading the intake, I felt like I had little to nothing to offer this client who had serious interpersonal problems. 

After reading her intake, I felt a deep feeling of compassion for the client before I even met her.

During that first session, as I listened to the client, I wished she could have been seen by an experienced therapist instead of a beginner like me. But, by the end of the session, she told me she felt the session went very well. She said she felt I was attuned to her--she felt seen and heard by me. She also said she felt my compassion for her and she looked forward to our next session.

During my four years of psychoanalytic training, as I developed therapeutic skills, I felt increasingly more confident, but I still had times when I felt impostor syndrome, which I discovered was common for new therapists.

As I gained clinical experience and with the help of individual and group supervisors, my own personal psychoanalysis, and classes, I discovered I had a natural ability for being a psychotherapist. 

I also realized that no one, no matter how experienced, has all the answers and the point of being a psychotherapist isn't to "fix" clients or to have all the answers (see my article: Why It's Important For Your Therapist Not to Have All the Answers).

What's important is the ability to help clients to become curious and compassionate about themselves so I can guide them to find their own path to healing.

Over the last 30 years as a licensed mental health professional, I have gone on to do many other advanced trainings, including EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, EFT Couples Therapy, Sex Therapy and Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy).

I have also learned a lot from my clients by being attuned to them and joining them wherever they were in their healing journey.

I consider myself a curious and compassionate lifelong learner who continues to learn and grow personally and professionally, but I'll never forget my early experiences. 

I have a great deal of empathy for clients and new therapists because I have been both and I know the journey can be challenging, but it can also be very rewarding.

What Are Some Ways to Overcome Impostor Syndrome?

Here are some tips for overcoming impostor syndrome which might be helpful for you:

• Challenge Negative Thoughts: Challenge negative self talk that contributes to impostor syndrome.  Be realistic and remind yourself it's okay to be new at a particular endeavor.

• Remind Yourself of Your Capabilities: You might be new on a particular path, but you probably have evidence of prior success, achievements and positive feedback. Stay curious and open to new experiences.

Self Compassion

• Practice Self Compassion: Know and accept that impostor syndrome is a common phenomenon that many people experience at some point. Treat yourself with kindness and avoid comparing yourself to others.

• Develop a Growth Mindset: A growth mindset will help you to realize you can learn and grow over time. Embrace new challenges as opportunities for growth. Set goals and along the way celebrate your successes.

• Take Action: Don't let impostor syndrome overwhelm you. Although you might be pushed out of your comfort zone, be aware you have overcome other challenges in the past and that moving out of your comfort zone will help you to grow.

• Keep a Journal: Writing about your thoughts and emotions can help you to reflect on where you are in the moment and where you want to be. 

Use Your Imagination

• Use Your Imagination: Using your imagination to visualize yourself to see yourself as already having achieved your goals can be helpful.

• Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends and loved ones. They will probably tell you they have had similar feelings about impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. If possible, join groups where people are having similar experiences and learn how they are coping with these experiences. For instance, before I started graduate school in 1993, I joined a group of people who were working on making various changes in their lives and we were mutually supportive of one another, which was very helpful for me.

About Me:

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As of this writing, I also teach a class, Countertransference and Sex Therapy II, for second year sex therapists in training at the Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

I wrote a prior article about hope entitled 5 Reasons Why Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being.

In this article I'm focusing on how the combination of hope and taking action can lead to meaningful change.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

    First a recap of my prior article:

5 Reasons Why Hope is Important to Your Sense of Well Being

There are many reasons why hope is important to your sense of well-being, including that it can provide: 

• 1. An Openness to New Possibilities: When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to be open to new and better possibilities for the future.  Even if there's just only a glimmer of hope, it can be enough for you to envision a better future for yourself (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• 2. A Sense of Motivation: Hope can motivate you to take action because when you feel hopeful--even if you also feel some dread--you're more likely to take positive steps towards the challenges you're facing (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation).

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• 3. A Willingness to Persevere: Goals often require perseverance and perseverance is easier to sustain if you feel hopeful that your goals are achievable. This is especially true for long term goals where you might not always see progress immediately. Hope can sustain you through rough times when you might be tempted to give up (see my article: Achieving Your Goals With Perseverance).

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• 4. A Willingness to Overcome Setbacks: With many long term goals, there are often setbacks because progress isn't linear. This is true of many longer term goals. It's also true for psychotherapy.  When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to take temporary setbacks in stride rather than letting setbacks deter you from your goals (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

• 5. An Improvement to Health and Well-Being: A sense of hope can improve your physical and mental well-being. When hope reduces stress, it can improve your immune system. Hope can also reduce anxiety and sadness.  In addition, it can increase your confidence.  Feeling hopeful and wanting to remain in a state of hopefulness can encourage you to surround yourself with like-minded people.

How to Cultivate Hope in Yourself

• Give yourself permission to be hopeful--even when you're facing tough odds.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• Set clear goals for yourself so you have a sense of purpose and direction.

• Use your imagination to visualize the positive outcome you want.
• See my articles: 
• Using Your Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change

• Using Imaginal Interweaves to Overcome Trauma

• Seek support for your goals from supportive loved ones.

• Learn from other people's experiences--whether these are friends, family or inspiring people in history--to motivate yourself.

Why Does the Combination of Hope With Action Create Meaningful Change?

The stereotypical portrayal of psychotherapy is that therapy is all talk and no action (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is All Talk and No Action).

Hope can be a powerful motivator, but hope alone won't bring about change without taking action.

Combining Hope and Action:

• People are more likely to take action when they feel hopeful--even when they're faced with significant obstacles.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• Hope provides individuals with a belief that they can persevere in taking action even in the face of obstacles (see my article: Overcoming Obstacles to Make Changes in Your Life).

• Just as hope can inspire action, action can inspire increased hope by giving people an increased sense of their own empowerment so there can be an upward spiral (see my article: Empowering Clients in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you feel stuck and unable to motivate yourself, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck.

Rather than remaining stuck, seek help so you can achieve your goals and live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

It's Common and Normal to Have Fantasies

In prior articles, I've discussed many different aspects of romantic and sexual fantasies (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

The current article focuses on how and why sexual fantasies are normal and common.  

What Are Fantasies?

There are many definitions for fantasies.  

Basically, fantasies are imaginary scenarios that people play out in their mind.  Sometimes these fantasies are new or recurring scenarios and/or they might be based on memories.

Many fantasies are never acted upon, but they can still be enjoyed in your mind.

In general, fantasies can be about anything, including but not limited to:

• Imagining winning the lottery
• Thinking about what it would be like to be famous
• Imagining what it would be like to travel around the world
• Imagining being someone else--either someone you know in real life or a character in a TV program, movie or book
• Imagining having certain super powers
• Having thoughts about having an affair you have no intention of doing real life
• Imagining being in a more interesting job
• Entertaining yourself while you're bored
• Playing with "what if...." scenarios in your mind: "What if he likes me the way I like him?" or "What if I accept that new job offer?" or "What if I take a risk?"
• Imagining what you would do in a worst case scenario as a form of mental rehearsal
• Imagining what you might have said or might say to someone in a conversation
• Imagining how you'll feel if you accomplish a goal that's important to you
• Having thoughts about what your life might be like under different circumstances

And so on.

What Are the Benefits of Fantasizing?

In general, there can be many benefits to having fantasies whether they are enacted or not.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

Here are just a few:

• Helping you to get to know yourself better by seeing yourself in new and unfamiliar situations
• Helping you to see alternatives to the way you are now
• Coming up with creative solutions to problems
• Using a fantasy as a mental rehearsal before acting on it in real life
• Acting as a compensatory wish you derive satisfaction from--even though you won't do it in real life
• Boosting your mood
• Getting yourself out of a rut
• Becoming open to new experiences
• Providing you with a temporary escape from your current situation
• Energizing you mentally, emotionally and physically

Why Are Some People Afraid of Their Fantasies?

From an early age, many people are taught (implicitly or explicitly) that fantasizing, in general, is wrong.

For instance, young students are often scolded for not paying attention in class if they're daydreaming.  And, although it's important that students learn their lessons in class, it's also important for young minds to explore and create in their fantasies.  After all, play--whether it's children's play or adult play--is about being creative.

Many people are taught at a young age that having daydreams and fantasies are a waste of time.  They're taught that actively doing is more important than imagining. 

While it's true that if you only daydream about your hopes and dreams and never do anything to bring them to fruition you won't get very far, the seeds of creative ideas often begin with a daydream or fantasy that can be the start of fulfilling your dreams.

Why Are Some People Afraid Specifically of Their Sexual Fantasies?

Having sexual fantasies is common and normal as I have been reiterating.  In fact, research on sexual fantasies has revealed that 3 out of 4 people have sexual fantasies.

So, if sexual fantasies are common, why are some people uncomfortable with the idea of them?

Discomfort and fear of sexual fantasies are often based on certain religious, cultural or familial prohibitions that indicate that sex in general shouldn't even be thought about--much less engaged in--before marriage.  

However, these prohibitions can have a lasting effect.  For many people it's not like flipping a switch after they get married to suddenly feel comfortable with sex and sexual fantasies.  They might still have a vague feeling that it's wrong.

For many people sexual fantasies can cause fear, confusion, anxiety, guilt, shame and ambivalence.  On a certain level, some people might enjoy a sexual fantasy--even one they have no intention of carrying out--but on another level they feel bad about it.

On the other hand, other people find it exciting to engage in sexual fantasies that are taboo, so it depends on the individual (see my article: A Cornertone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

What Are the Benefits of Sexual Fantasies?

As mentioned earlier, fantasies are normal and common.

The mind is creative and exploratory, so having fantasies, sexual or otherwise, is one way that people can satisfy their needs and wants.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

People have sexual fantasies regardless of gender, sex, sexual orientation, age, race, marital status, ability/disability or other factors.

Sexual fantasies often help to promote sexual arousal.  

For instance, if you and your partner have scheduled time to have sex in a few days, having fantasies about it can help to build sexual anticipation and excitement (see my article: Creating Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique and Anticipation and Longing as an Erotic Aphrodisiac).

Sexual fantasies can also help to boost sexual confidence in many ways, including having a fantasy of being able to initiate and enjoy sex.

Should You Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?

Sharing a sexual fantasies with a partner can be empowering and fun if your partner is open to talking about fantasies.

Typically, sharing sexual fantasies can strengthen the bond between partners.  

However, if your partner tends to be judgmental or unsure, it could have the opposite effect.

Sometimes the problem is with the word "fantasy" so, instead, you can ask what your partner might be curious about sexually (see my article: Substituting the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" With "What Are You Sexually Curious About?").

What Can You Do and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Wavelength About Sexual Fantasies?

Some people like sharing their fantasies with their partner and others like to keep it private.  

If you do want to share your sexual fantasies, be aware that it's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to have differences when it comes to sexual fantasies.

Just like anything else, including the kinds of food you each like, sexual fantasies can be unique for each person.  

What one person enjoys, the other person might not.  Or one of you might have a rich sexual fantasy life and the other might not be comfortable with sexual fantasies at all.

Others might want to talk about their fantasies, but they don't know how (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1) and Part 2).

If you feel the differences between you and your partner are getting in the way of having a pleasurable sex life, these differences can often be negotiated and worked out in sex therapy.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with sexual issues, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

In my prior article, How EMDR Works: EMDR and the Brain, I gave an overview of the basics of EMDR, including how emotional trauma affects the brain and how EMDR therapy helps to process trauma.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

In this article, which is a continuation of this topic, I'll give a composite scenario to demonstrate how EMDR therapy works.

I'll delve into some of the aspects of EMDR that are uniquely helpful to healing emotional trauma (for an overview of EMDR, see my article:  What is EMDR?)

As always, this composite is a combination of many different cases to protect confidentiality.

Alice
Alice came to therapy because she knew she was overreacting in her relationship with her boyfriend, Ed.

A day or so after she got angry with him, in hindsight, Alice could see that she had overacted, and she felt ashamed and guilty about it.  She would apologize and tell Ed that she would try not to be so reactive, but then a week or so later, she would find herself overreacting again, and this became an ongoing pattern in their relationship.

Alice loved Ed very much and she knew that Ed loved her.  When she was calm, she knew she could trust him, but when she was in the throes of an overreaction, she forgot all of this and she reacted as if he didn't love her and he wasn't trustworthy.

She would often feel rejected and abandoned by things that he said--only to realize afterwards that she overreacted once again.

This happened to Alice so frequently that she was beginning to feel like she was losing her mind.  After she calmed down, she couldn't understand how she could have felt so sure that he was rejecting and abandoning her when she was upset.

She asked herself:  Why couldn't she remember that he loved her?

Even though Ed was patient, Alice knew that her reactions would erode their relationship after a while. She knew she couldn't keep accusing him of being unloving and then apologize afterwards.  She knew she had to do something.

Having been in talk therapy in the past to deal with a traumatic childhood, Alice felt she needed to try a different type of psychotherapy, so when a friend told her how much EMDR helped her, Alice decided to give it a try.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

As we discussed Alice's family history, it became apparent that she was uprooted quite a bit from infancy to adolescence, due to her single mother's substance abuse problems.

During that time she was moved from her mother's home to her maternal grandmother's home and then to an aunt's house.

Finally, when she was a teenager, she moved back with her mother.  By then, her mother was sober, but her mother was still emotionally neglectful.

As an only child, Alice remembered feeling lonely and unloved.  Even though her grandmother and aunt took care of Alice's basic needs, they remained emotionally distant from her.  Alice would pray to have a loving adult come into her life, but she remained without emotional support.

Emotional Neglect:  The Past Affects the Present

As an adult, during her first therapy, which was talk therapy, Alice learned to make intellectual connections between the childhood emotional neglect and her feelings of being unlovable but, even though she had an intellectual understanding, talk therapy didn't help her to actually overcome these feelings.  So, she experienced herself as carrying around this heavy emotional burden throughout her life.

She usually managed to make only one or two close friends because she had a hard time trusting people.

While in college, even though she wanted to be in a loving romantic relationship, she had an even more difficult time trusting men because she felt too emotionally vulnerable to open up (see my article:  An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting But Dreading Love).

After college, having been in talk therapy, Alice knew that her feelings of being unlovable as an adult were connected to her early childhood neglect, but she didn't know how to change this.

She often wondered if she would ever feel emotionally safe enough to enter into a serious romantic relationship (see my article:  Adults Who Were Emotionally Neglected as Children Often Have a Hard Time Trusting).

When she met Ed, she knew he was one of the kindest, gentlest, loving men she ever met.

At first, they got along well.  But as they continued to see each other and got closer, after several months, Alice began to feel emotionally vulnerable and unsafe.

She knew these feelings weren't related to anything that Ed was doing or not doing, but she couldn't stop herself from seeing even the most innocuous remarks that he made as rejecting and abandoning.

During their last argument before Alice started therapy, Alice exploded when Ed said he had to work late and he couldn't see her.  She accused him of lying, not loving her, abandoning her and not caring about her feelings.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

Afterwards, Alice realized that she had overreacted, and she knew that Ed wasn't lying and that he genuinely cared for her.

As Alice recounted this argument and other similar arguments, she broke down in tears.  She said she was sick and tired of feeling this way, tired of accusing Ed of not loving her, and tired of the arguments that she started with him.  She also feared that she would bring about the very thing that she feared most--that Ed would get tired of her and leave her.

Developing Coping Skills as Part of Resourcing Before EMDR Processing
Since Alice came to do EMDR, I began by helping her to develop better coping skills so she could cope with her feelings both in our therapy sessions as we processed her traumatic background as well as in her everyday life.

We focused on helping her to respond instead of react (see my article:  Responding Instead of Reacting).

This phase of EMDR is called resourcing (for more details about resourcing, see  a prior article that I wrote).

As someone who was emotionally neglected as a child, Alice primarily knew only two maladaptive ways of attempting to cope:  overacting or emotionally shutting down.  She knew intellectually that neither way worked for her, but she didn't know what else to do.

After the resourcing phase of EMDR, we were ready to begin processing her traumatic childhood experiences which were triggering her emotional reactions in her current relationship.

Before we started, I reminded Alice that she was in complete control of the process in terms of stopping or pausing the EMDR processing if she felt too overwhelmed.

This is very important for people who have experienced early childhood trauma where they were overwhelmed, there was no one to soothe them, and they felt helpless to do anything about it.

Bridging Back in EMDR
Then, we used a recent memory of Alice being upset with Ed and used that to go back to her earliest memory of feeling this way as a child.

This concept in EMDR is derived from clinical hypnosis and it's known variously as the affect bridge, the float back technique or bridging (see my article:  Bridging Back to Heal).

How EMDR Works:  Bridging Back to Heal

Sensing her emotions and where she felt these emotions in her body, Alice was able to remember an early memory where she was being uprooted once again from her grandmother's house to her aunt's house and how scared and unloved she felt (see my article:  Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

This earlier memory turned out to be significant in terms of how she got triggered in her current relationship.

EMDR and Imaginal Interweaves
EMDR uses a concept called "imaginal interweaves" to help clients to process emotional trauma.  These imaginal interweaves are used to help clients to feel emotionally supported during the EMDR processing of the trauma memory (see Laurel Parnell's book, Attachment-Focused EMDR).

The goal of EMDR is not to analyze the memories.  After all, many people who come for EMDR therapy have already analyzed their memories in talk therapy and they have intellectual insight.  After talk therapy, what they often don't experience is emotional healing.

This is not to say that talk therapy doesn't work because I continue to do talk therapy.  But there are certain people with early trauma that aren't healed by talk therapy.

So, rather than analyzing the trauma, the goal of EMDR is to process the traumatic memories with some form of bilateral stimulation, BLS (see my prior article for an explanation of BLS) so that the client is no longer affected by the trauma.

To use imaginal interweaves, clients are asked to imagine protective and nurturing people who might have helped them during the trauma.

These protective and nurturing people can be actual people in the client's life who are either from now or back then.   They can also be people from movies, TV programs, books or people from history.

Imaginal interweaves can include anyone and EMDR clients are only limited by their imagination.

They can include an imagined "ideal mother," who is different from their actual mother.

EMDR and Imaginal Interweaves

The idea of using imaginal interweaves is not for the client to believe that anything other than what actually occurred is what happened.  The logical part of the brain knows that, in actuality, there was no one who helped.

But the emotional part of the brain can take in these imaginal interweaves and this is emotionally healing.  This is why imaginal interweaves they're used.  Al Pesso, who developed Psychomotor Therapy, refers to this as new symbolic memories (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: Healing With New Symbolic Memories).

The Therapist's Empathic Attunement 
An EMDR therapist needs to know more than how to do EMDR.  She also needs to be exquisitely attuned to what's going on with the client and be able to track the client's emotional experience.

A skilled EMDR therapist needs to be in sync with the client.  This is often referred to as a "right brain to right brain" connection, which means that the therapist's right brain, the area of the brain for empathic attunement, senses what's going on emotionally with the client.

This also presupposes that the client and the EMDR therapist have already developed a good enough working alliance so that the client will allow this (see my articles:  The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy and The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative to the Client).

The EMDR therapist must also be able to repair whatever ruptures might occur in therapy (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy).

Whenever Alice became stuck in the EMDR processing, we used an imaginal interweave to help her to get unstuck so that the processing could continue.

Gradually, over time, Alice's level of emotional disturbance about this memory was significantly reduced.

EMDR and Generalizable Effects
At the same time, she was much less reactive in her relationship with Ed, so we could tell that the EMDR processing was have a generalizing effect.

Generalizable effects in EMDR means that the healing effects of EMDR are also carrying over to other memories and current interpersonal interactions.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

Completing EMDR Therapy
By the time that Alice completed EMDR therapy, she was no longer overreacting.  She was also no longer feeling unlovable, rejected or abandoned in her relationship.  She was able to free herself emotionally from her traumatic history so that she could live her life unencumbered by these memories.  She was also able could to develop meaningful friendships.

Getting Help in Therapy:
Reacting negatively to the present based on the past is a common experience for people who have experienced emotional trauma, especially if they experienced early childhood trauma.

If you feel that unresolved trauma is keeping you stuck, rather than spending your life reacting based on your past, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained in a mind-body oriented experiential therapy, like EMDR (see my articles:  Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs) and Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialities is helping clients to overcome emotional trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies

In his book, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, who is a relationship expert and sex therapist, discusses, among other things, the power of sexual fantasies and the seven core sexual fantasies (see my articles: Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Spouse?,  Sexual Pleasure and Developing Your Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies

Dr. Kerner emphasizes that whether it's a couple trying to rekindle sexual passion in their love life or an individual who wants to experience solo sexual pleasure, it's important to focus on both physical and psychological eroticism.  

According to Dr. Kerner, many people only focus on physical eroticism.  He says that psychological eroticism, using the erotic imagination, is also an important component of enhancing sexual arousal.  This is one of the reasons why sexual fantasies are so important.

So many people in relationships, including long term relationships, feel too ashamed to talk about their sexual fantasies with their partner or with their therapist. 

They fear being ridiculed or shamed or they feel guilty about even having fantasies because of their childhood experiences in their family of origin.  So, it's important for therapists to normalize sexual fantasies and tell clients that almost everyone has them.

Suffice it to say that there is a big difference between fantasizing and acting on fantasies in real life.  Many people who have sexual fantasies never intend to act them out in real life.  These fantasies are a way of spicing up their sex life--whether they're single or in a relationship.  

Other people, who are more sexually adventurous, are either acting upon their fantasies or contemplating acting on them. 

The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies

Dr. Kerner outlines seven core sexual fantasies in his book:

• Multi-partner sex (three-somes, group sex, orgies, and so on)
• Power, control (BDSM: bondage, discipline/domination, submission/sadism, masochism)
• Novelty, adventure, and variety (new sexual positions or behavior)
• Taboo an forbidden sex (voyeurism, exhibitionism)
• Partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships
• Passion and romance (feeling intensely desired, a passionate love)
• Erotic flexibility (exploring sexual fluidity)

The fantasies that are listed above are by no means an exhaustive list of fantasies.  They are just the seven core fantasies that many people have.  Within each category there is a tremendous range.

What If You're Not Sure What Type of Sexual Fantasies You're Interested In?

People will often say that they're unaware of having sexual fantasies.  Sometimes, with some prompting, they realize that they do actually have sexual fantasies, but they haven't paid much attention to these passing thoughts.  

If you're not sure of what type of sexual fantasies you might like, it helps to look into various fantasies to see what might be sexually arousing to you.

The following list are some ideas that people often find helpful in terms of discovering your sexual fantasies:

• Reading or listening to erotic literature 
• Listening to erotic podcasts
• Talking to your partner, if you're in a relationship, to find out what turns him or her on
• Watching ethical porn (made legally, respecting the rights of the performers and in good working conditions)

Be Gentle and Compassionate With Yourself

Unfortunately, so many people are harsh and judgmental with themselves when it comes to sexual fantasies.  Often this is a result of old, outdated messages they were given as children in their family of origin, their religion, culture and so on.  

There might be a part of you that feels ashamed for even having sexual thoughts.  Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) or Parts Work can be helpful in identifying these parts of yourself so that they don't become an obstacle for you (see my article:  How Parts Work Therapy Can Help to Empower You).

Getting Help in Therapy

Even if you know logically that having sexual fantasies is common and normal, on an emotional level you might still feel guilty about it, especially if you have unresolved sexual trauma.  

If you're struggling with unresolved issues that you have been unable to overcome on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping clients overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Overcoming unresolved issues helps to free you from a traumatic history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You

As an experiential psychotherapist, I use many different types of experiential therapy to help clients to move beyond the intellectual part of their mind to get to the deeper, more creative part. Being able to access their creative, intuitive mind allows clients to access their imagination in a way that helps them to bypass the emotional blocks that would normally hinder their progress in therapy (see my articles: The Unconscious Mind and Experiential Therapy: The Symptom Contains the Solution).

How Parts Work Helps to Empower You

How to Access a Deeper Part of Yourself Through Parts Work Therapy

One way to help you to access the deeper parts of yourself is through Parts Work (also known as Ego States therapy or Internal Family Systems).  

Parts Work helps you to understand that each of us is made up of a multiplicity of selves.  When I say "multiplicity of selves," I'm not referring to multiple personality disorder.  I'm referring to the concept that everyone's personality is made up of many different parts, which includes your unconscious mind.  

You might be aware of certain parts but not others, so Parts Work helps you to access those deeper parts of your personality to help you to be more creative, solve problems and resolve inner conflicts.   

Most people have had the experience of thinking, "A part of me wants to change, but another part of me doesn't."  This is often the way most people approach change, whether they're in therapy or not, because change can be challenging and there's a certain amount of ambivalence about making a change--especially a big change--even when they know that the change would be beneficial.

Most people have access to certain parts of their personality, but they have no awareness of other unconscious parts.  Once you discover the parts of your personality that you normally don't have access to, you can use those parts, even after you complete therapy, to be more creative in solving your problems (see my article: Discovering and Giving Voice to Unconscious Parts of Yourself).

What Does an Experiential Parts Work Therapist Do in Therapy?

A psychotherapist who does Parts Work acts as a facilitator to help you identify and develop the parts of your personality by helping you to:

• Identify the various parts relevant to your problems.
• Calling out the various parts.
• Establish a rapport with the parts.
• Discover the role of these parts.
• Appreciate the role of these parts as it relates to your problems.
• Negotiate an agreement between conflicting parts.
• Integrate the parts together for an overall sense of wholeness and well-being.

The Uses of Inner Active Cards in Parts Work Therapy

Inner Active Cards, which were designed by Sharon Sargent Eckstein, are a set of 62 color illustrated cards (plus 10 blank cards to create your own images) that depict the inner life of the various parts you discover.

I have used Inner Active Cards with clients in Parts Work therapy sessions by allowing clients to choose cards from the deck that resonates with them.  Then, they use the cards they have chosen to say what's going on for the person illustrated in the card, discover and identify a similar part of themselves and learn to use this part to be more creative and solve their problems.

Many clients find the use of Inner Active Cards to be helpful to access the various parts of their personality that aren't immediately accessible to them.  These evocative cards are especially helpful for clients who have difficulty accessing their inner world.  

Inner Active cards can be used in therapy or on your own.  When these cards are used in Parts Work therapy, they help to bring clarity to the various parts of yourself and, with the help of your therapist, facilitate psychological transformation.

How Does Parts Work Therapy Help to Empower You?

• The premise of Parts Work is that the power to change resides within you.
• When you learn to access the various parts of your unconscious mind, you have a tool you can use even after you leave therapy.
• You can use Parts Work for any problem you might have.
• Once you learn how to access and negotiate with the various parts of yourself, your sense of self and self esteem improve and you feel empowered.

Getting Help in Therapy

People often discover that regular talk therapy helps them to be more insightful about their problems, but this intellectual understanding often doesn't bring about the change they want (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Experiential therapy includes Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, EMDR, EFT and clinical hypnosis, among other therapies.  

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist who can help you to overcome the obstacles getting in the way of your transformation.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Parts Work and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.