What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

Several years ago, while I was taking a writing course, I was surprised to find out that romance novels are a billion dollar industry which consistently outperform other fiction genres. 

In 2023, sales of romance novels in the United States reached over $1.4 billion. 

Psychological Reasons for the Popularity of Romance Novelshope,

After I found out that one of my favorite sex educators discussed romance novels as a way to rekindle passion in sexless marriages, this really piqued my curiosity to take a deeper dive into the emotional and psychological reasons for the popularity of romance novels.

It turns out that 82% of readers are women, but in recent years some men are also becoming interested in this genre.

The Popularity of Jane Austen Novels

Jane Austen, whose books were published in the early 19th century, became one of the first female authors who popularized romance novels. They also dealt with the social commentary and comedy of manners. 

In current times, Jane Austen's books, which include Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Emma, to name a few, are now seen as part of the historical fiction genre.

Younger Readership and the Influence of Social Media

Over the years, the readership has become younger with a significant portion of readers in the 18-44 year old range.

Social media has also boosted the popularity of romance novels, especially #BookTok on TikTok, which has made this genre "cool" again.  Social media also boosts sales and also influences the type of romance novels published in recent times.

Subgenres of Romance Novels

Romance novels include many subgenres including:

• Contemporary
• Historical
• Paranormal
• Romantic suspense
• Erotic romance
• Fantasy
• Science fiction
• Young adult
• Inspirational 

What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

Here are the most common reasons:

• Hope and Optimism: Romance novels provide an optimistic escape. The reader is assured of a happy ending. In fact, one of the hallmarks of romance novels is the "happily ever after" ending (HEA). Some books provide a "happy for now" (HFN) ending. The two characters who fall in love often have to overcome obstacles to be together, but the reader is assured that, by the end of the novel, the couple will be together.

Psychological Reasons for the Popularity of Romance Novels

• Emotional Intimacy: Since readers are given access to the characters' thoughts and emotions, they can experience a deep connection with the characters. This connection provides them with a vicarious emotional and empathic experience.

• Relatable Human Connections: Love, relationships and human connections are universal themes so they are relatable to most people regardless of their own relationship status.

• A Sense of Safety and Predictability: The understanding that there will be a happy ending (or happy for now ending) provides a sense of comfort and reassurance which is in contrast to real life where there is no such reassurance.

• Empowering Narratives: Many contemporary romance novels have strong, independent female characters who are relatable to female readers.

• Increased Representation: Over the years, the genre has become more inclusive with a wide array of backgrounds, ethnicities and sexual orientations.

• Female-Centered Stories: Romance novels tend to have female-centered narratives. In recent years stories about empowered women provide stories that are relatable to most women.

What Are the Social and Cultural Factors For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

In addition to the emotional and psychological reasons for the popularity of romance novels, there are also social and cultural reasons including:

• Community and Social Media: As previously mentioned, social media platforms, like #BookTox, have created massive communities where readers find new books to read together.

• Accessibility: Many romance novels are accessible in terms of format and length. This makes these novels easy to read and discuss with others.

• Affordability: Romance novels are often sold at a relatively affordable price. This makes them easy to purchase.

What is the Connection Between Romance Novels and Sexual Fantasies?

Romance novels and sexual fantasies are connected through shared themes of desire, fantasy and emotional fulfillment (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

These novels act as a tool for readers to explore these fantasies in a safe context. They can also stimulation readers' imagination to explore new sexual activities while experiencing a sense of empowerment and and self confidence by relating to the characters (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

More about the connection between romance novels and sexual fantasies in a future article.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles: 

Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame

Are You Too Shy to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?

What Are. Ravishment Fantasies?

BDSM: What Does It Mean to Be a "Brat"?

What is Kinky Sex?

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

I wrote a prior article about hope entitled 5 Reasons Why Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being.

In this article I'm focusing on how the combination of hope and taking action can lead to meaningful change.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

    First a recap of my prior article:

5 Reasons Why Hope is Important to Your Sense of Well Being

There are many reasons why hope is important to your sense of well-being, including that it can provide: 

• 1. An Openness to New Possibilities: When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to be open to new and better possibilities for the future.  Even if there's just only a glimmer of hope, it can be enough for you to envision a better future for yourself (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• 2. A Sense of Motivation: Hope can motivate you to take action because when you feel hopeful--even if you also feel some dread--you're more likely to take positive steps towards the challenges you're facing (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation).

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• 3. A Willingness to Persevere: Goals often require perseverance and perseverance is easier to sustain if you feel hopeful that your goals are achievable. This is especially true for long term goals where you might not always see progress immediately. Hope can sustain you through rough times when you might be tempted to give up (see my article: Achieving Your Goals With Perseverance).

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• 4. A Willingness to Overcome Setbacks: With many long term goals, there are often setbacks because progress isn't linear. This is true of many longer term goals. It's also true for psychotherapy.  When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to take temporary setbacks in stride rather than letting setbacks deter you from your goals (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

• 5. An Improvement to Health and Well-Being: A sense of hope can improve your physical and mental well-being. When hope reduces stress, it can improve your immune system. Hope can also reduce anxiety and sadness.  In addition, it can increase your confidence.  Feeling hopeful and wanting to remain in a state of hopefulness can encourage you to surround yourself with like-minded people.

How to Cultivate Hope in Yourself

• Give yourself permission to be hopeful--even when you're facing tough odds.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• Set clear goals for yourself so you have a sense of purpose and direction.

• Use your imagination to visualize the positive outcome you want.
• See my articles: 
• Using Your Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change

• Using Imaginal Interweaves to Overcome Trauma

• Seek support for your goals from supportive loved ones.

• Learn from other people's experiences--whether these are friends, family or inspiring people in history--to motivate yourself.

Why Does the Combination of Hope With Action Create Meaningful Change?

The stereotypical portrayal of psychotherapy is that therapy is all talk and no action (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is All Talk and No Action).

Hope can be a powerful motivator, but hope alone won't bring about change without taking action.

Combining Hope and Action:

• People are more likely to take action when they feel hopeful--even when they're faced with significant obstacles.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

• Hope provides individuals with a belief that they can persevere in taking action even in the face of obstacles (see my article: Overcoming Obstacles to Make Changes in Your Life).

• Just as hope can inspire action, action can inspire increased hope by giving people an increased sense of their own empowerment so there can be an upward spiral (see my article: Empowering Clients in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you feel stuck and unable to motivate yourself, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck.

Rather than remaining stuck, seek help so you can achieve your goals and live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship?

People who maintain toxic hope (or false hope) in an unhealthy relationship often get stuck in unhappy relationships.

What is Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Toxic hope is blindly holding onto hope that an unhealthy relationship will get better--even when there are no signs of that this will happen.

Overcoming Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship

Toxic hope can keep you wrapped up in false narratives about your relationship rather than  confronting reality as it is because the reality of your situation feels too painful. It's a form of denial where you fool yourself.

This type of false hope keeps people stuck in toxic relationships. Rather than accepting the reality of their situation, many people with toxic hope will work harder to try to make the relationship work--to the point of exhaustion.

If you experience toxic hope in an unhealthy relationship, you might try to avoid facing reality by trying to work on yourself in an effort to win over your partner or make positive changes. This often occurs when the other partner is making little or no effort to change.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can get stuck in an unhealthy relationship due to toxic hope and how therapy can help:

Lynn

Lynn was an optimistic and ambitious woman who was successful in her career.  She also had many close friends.

When Lynn first met Steve, she was head-over-heels in love with him. They saw each other almost every day and they enjoyed each other's company. By their second month together, they decided to become exclusive.

However, three months into the relationship, Lynn found out that Steve lost his job and this was the most recent job loss in a long line of job losses.

He asked to borrow $5,000 from her with the promise he would pay her back within a couple of months. But, even after he found another well-paying job, he never mentioned repaying the money he owed her and Lynn just assumed he would pay her back when he could.

Soon after that, Steve would cancel their dates at the last minute. He made up many excuses, which Lynn convinced herself were true. Even when her best friend confronted her, Lynn was adamant that her relationship with Steve was going well.

After another friend told Lynn that she saw Steve walking hand in hand with another woman, Lynn convinced herself that she went into an all out self improvement regime--she went to the gym almost every day, lost weight and changed the color of her hair. She even thought about getting breast augmentation--all in an effort to get her relationship with Steve back to where it was in the beginning.

During that time, Steve broke up with her. He told her he met someone new and he wasn't interested in being with Lynn anymore. After that Lynn was heartbroken, but she didn't give up. She told Steve she hope they could remain friends and meet for coffee sometimes.  Steve seemed surprised, but he agreed.

Overcoming Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship

Lynn's friends urged her to get her money back from and to stop hoping he would come back to her. But Lynn didn't listen to them.

She would meet Steve for coffee every few weeks and he would tell her his new girlfriend was fantastic and they were going to move in together. Although Lynn felt upset, she kept smiling and hoping Steve would come back to her.

When Steve told her his new girlfriend didn't like him spending time with her, Lynn still couldn't accept that it was over. 

Months went by and one day Lynn ran into Steve with his girlfriend and he introduced them. Then he told Lynn that he and his girlfriend were going to get married. His girlfriend held out her hand to show Lynn the engagement ring. Then, Steve and his girlfriend walked off looking very much in love.

At that point, Lynn felt like her world was crashing down on her. She couldn't fool herself anymore--she had to admit she lost Steve and he was in love with someone else.

Her friends encouraged Lynn to seek help in therapy which she did reluctantly. She told her therapist she kept thinking about all the good times she and Steve had together. She said she would sometimes spend whole days just remembering how good their relationship was at the beginning and she couldn't believe it was over.

Her therapist asked Lynn about her family history and Lynn revealed that she had a similar relationship with her parents. Other than providing her with the basic necessities, her parents tended to ignore her and, as an only child, she tended to spend a lot of time on her own.

Lynn revealed that she excelled academically and she always had friends, but she tended to be in denial, even as an adult, about the emotional neglect she experienced as a child. 

Throughout her life, Lynn believed she could get her parents' attention by maintaining excellent grades in school and succeeding in her career, but her parents weren't interested. 

Her therapist saw parallels between the toxic hope she maintained in her relationship with her parents and the toxic hope she had maintained in her relationship with Steve.

Initially, Lynn couldn't admit she was emotionally neglected as a child. She made up many excuses for the way her parents neglected her but, over time, she realized how she was in denial about her parents, Steve and other men she had been involved with before Steve.

At that point, Lynn was able to grieve her childhood and the way she was treated in her relationships. Her therapist helped her with trauma therapy, including EMDR and Parts Work Therapy.

Gradually, Lynn realized she had allow herself to get stuck in unhealthy relationships with men due to her denial in the form of toxic hope. 

She also learned to assert herself by asking Steve to repay her the $5,000 he owed her and she was surprised to receive a check from him.

As she continued to work in trauma therapy, Lynn allowed herself to see her relationship with her parents and her romantic relationships for what they were and not for what she hoped they would be.

She also worked on feeling that she deserved to be in a relationship where she was treated well.

Conclusion

Toxic hope is a form of denial.

Toxic hope in an unhealthy involved convincing yourself that the relationship will work out--even when there are serious red flags that it won't.

Toxic hope is often rooted in unresolved trauma.

Trauma therapy can help you to get to the root of your problems so you don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than repeating the same healthy patterns, get help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck so you can live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma (see my article: What is Trauma Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

5 Reasons Why Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being

Life can be so challenging at times that you might find yourself balancing feelings of hope and dread (see my article: Focusing on Your Personal Strengths to Get Through Stressful Times).

Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being

While it's important not to be overtaken by dread, it's also important not to live on false hope, which will be discussed later on in this article.

This article will also discuss the role of unresolved trauma and how it can get in the way of having a sense of hope for the future.

5 Reasons Why Hope is Important to Your Sense of Well Being

There are many reasons why hope is important to your sense of well-being, including that it can provide: 

• 1. An Openness to New Possibilities: When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to be open to new and better possibilities for the future.  Even if there's just a glimmer of hope, it can be enough for you to envision a better future for yourself (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

• 2. A Sense of Motivation: Hope can motivate you to take action because when you feel hopeful enough--even if you also feel some dread--you're more likely to take positive steps towards the goals or challenges you're facing (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation).

Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being

• 3. A Willingness to Persevere: Goals often require perseverance and perseverance is easier to sustain if you feel hopeful that your goals are achievable. This is especially true for long term goals where you might not always see progress immediately. Hope can sustain you through rough times when you might be tempted to give up (see my article: Achieving Your Goals With Perseverance).

• 4. A Willingness to Overcome Setbacks: With many long term goals, there are often setbacks because progress isn't linear. This is true of many long terms projects. It's also true for psychotherapy.  When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to take temporary setbacks in stride rather than letting setbacks deter you from your goals (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

• 5. An Improvement to Health and Well-Being: A sense of hope can improve your physical and mental well-being. When hope reduces stress, it can improve your immune system. Hope can also reduce anxiety and sadness.  In addition, it can increase your confidence.  Feeling hopeful and wanting to remain in a state of hopefulness can encourage you to surround yourself with like-minded people.

Avoiding False Hope and Unrealistic Expectations

Being hopeful doesn't mean that you latch onto false hope or unrealistic expectations.

It also doesn't mean "never giving up on your dreams" if your dreams aren't achievable or they're based on toxic positivity.

For example, if you have a dream of being an Olympic swimmer, but you never learn to swim, your dream is rooted in false hope and unrealistic expectations.  Or, if you want to become a concert pianist, but you hardly ever practice the piano, you're not going to fulfill your dream.

The examples given above are easy to see, but it's not always clear when you're indulging in false hope. 

For example, if you're in a relationship that has long-standing problems, you might not have a sense of whether your relationship can be salvaged or if it's beyond repair.  

In that case, a couples therapist, who is a relationship expert, can help you both to assess how you feel about the relationship and whether you each feel it's still viable.

Seeking Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved trauma, you might find it challenging to feel hopeful even under the best of circumstances because your prior traumatic experiences can cloud your perspective (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: Separating Then From Now).

Seek Help in Therapy

If you feel you're constantly "waiting for the other shoe to drop" even when there's nothing in your current circumstances to warrant your concern, you could benefit from seeking help from a trauma therapist.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to free yourself from your traumatic history so you can live a more hopeful and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their traumatic history (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health

You've probably heard the saying, "Laughter is the best medicine" which hints at the physical and mental health benefits of laughter.  In the past, I wrote an article, Humor Can Be Helpful in Psychotherapy, which explored how humor can sometimes increase the effectiveness of therapy.  In this article, I'm focusing on how laughter benefits both your physical and mental health.

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health
Laughter is beneficial for your mind and your body because it:

• strengthens your immune system
• elevates your mood
• reduces pain
• protects you against the harmful effects of stress
• inspires hope
• helps you to connect and bond with others
• keeps you grounded
• relaxes your body
• eases stress and anxiety
• strengthens resilience (see my article: Developing Resilience)
• diffuses anger
• reduces inhibitions
• helps you to feel recharged and energized
• increases your ability to use your imagination and increases creativity (see my article: Using Positive Imagination to Cope)

Adults Need to Seek More Opportunities For Laughter
Most children tend to laugh many times a day.  However, adults tend to be more serious, and they don't laugh as much as children. Therefore, adults, who want the health and mental health benefits of laughter, need to seek out more opportunities to laugh.

You can seek out these opportunities to include more laughter in your life by:

• watching a funny movie or TV show
• watching standup comedy
• playing games with friends
• spending time with people who are funny
• playing with your pet
• reading a funny story
• sharing a funny cartoon with friends 
• engaging in laughing yoga
• being grateful for what you have
• being "silly"
• taking an improv class
• sharing true stories about yourself with others (see my article: The Psychological Benefits of Storytelling)

Examples of How to Bring More Laughter Into Your Life

Sue
After realizing that she wasn't having as much fun as she used to, Sue decided to join an improv class, which was recommended by a friend. She had never taken an improv class before and, initially, she felt intimidated. But on her first day of class, she discovered that most other people in the class had never done improv or any type of comedy before, and they were feeling just as inhibited as she was feeling. By the second class, she realized she really liked her instructor, who made learning improv fun easy.  So, after a while, Sue opened up more and allowed herself to just have fun. She realized that she had not laughed so much in years, and she decided to take the next improv class when it was over.

Jim
Although he enjoyed painting in his free time, Jim found it to be too solitary an activity, especially since he already spent a lot of time on his own as an online editor.  He didn't look forward to spending even more time alone doing his artwork.  However, at the suggestion of a neighbor, he offered a free art class to the children in his apartment building, and while he was working with the children, he realized that not only were they having fun, but he was also having fun with them.  This group activity with children helped him to feel energized, and it allowed him to spend time alone doing his own artwork.

Conclusion
As mentioned above, there are many physical health and mental health benefits to laughter.

Sometimes, you need to experiment with different activities to find one that you enjoy.  If you approach this exploration with a sense of curiosity and playfulness, you'll discover an activity that's just right for you. In addition, you'll begin to experience the benefits of laughter.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex therapist (see my article: The Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I provide teletherapy, also known as online therapy, telemental health or telehealth for clients (see my article:  The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation with me, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Using Your Imagination: How Imaginal Interweaves Help to Overcome Trauma - Part 1

I realize that during times of crisis, like the current pandemic or the 9/11 World Trade Center attack, there are certain songs that repeat in my mind (see my article: Remembering Your Strengths as a Way to Cope in a Crisis).

Trauma and the Imagination

One of those songs is "Imagine" by former Beatle, John Lennon, which was released in 1971 during the Vietnam war as part of the peace movement (see lyrics).

Almost 50 years later, "Imagine" continues to be an inspiring symbol of the pursuit of peace and a symbol of hope.

Whenever I have a song that repeats in my mind, I get curious about why I'm thinking about this particular song and what my unconscious mind is trying to tell me (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: The Client's and Therapist's Parallel Experience During a Crisis).

So, as I thought and I realized that during times of uncertainty imagination plays such a powerful role in both a positive and negative way, and "Imagine" is call for us to use our imagination to create a better world in terms of how we think and behave (see my article: Using Imagery as a Powerful Tool).

Uncertainty and Negative Imagination

The current discussions about "the new normal" are reminiscent of 9/11 and the loss of innocence, among other things, that we experienced after our country was attacked.

There's something jarring about the words "the new normal" at this point in time when people are still grappling with their fear, anxiety, grief for the losses, and social deprivation (see my article: Grieving Losses and Healing During a Crisis).

Coping with uncertainty often leads to negative imagination where people can only imagine the worst case scenario. And, when we understand that the brain is hardwired to anticipate danger in order to stay alive, it's easy to see why negative imagination can be so important as well as overwhelming.

So, let's not underestimate the value of being vigilant and negative imagination in anticipating danger.  If early cavemen and cavewomen weren't vigilant about danger, they might just as easily walk into the cave with the bear, instead of their home cave, with disastrous results.

So, anticipating danger is important and so is accepting your negative emotions.  But when negative imagination goes into overdrive, people often lose their perspective and the ability to anticipate anything that is good and positive.

Balancing Overwhelming Negativity By Using Positive Imagination to Cope: Imaginal Interweaves

Your creative imagination is powerful--regardless of whether you dwell on positive or negative scenarios (see my article: Empowering Yourself During the COVID-19 Crisis).

Let me be clear that I'm not advocating being positive all the time and ignoring what's negative.  That would be impractical, at best, and dangerous at worst.  Be prepared, cautious and follow the health experts recommendations are necessary for staying healthy (see my article: All Emotions Are Welcome Here).

Rather than being impractical or Pollyannish, I'm encouraging you to use positive imagination as a coping strategy to counteract many of the negative scenarios that might be going through your mind.

In Dr. Laurel Parnell's Attachment Focused model of EMDR therapy, which is a trauma therapy, she uses "imaginal interweaves" as a way of helping clients to develop the necessary internal resources to cope with working on the trauma (see my article: Empowering Clients in Therapy).

Using imaginal interweaves is a way of "interweaving" positive, powerful, nurturing, and wise figures into the therapeutic work.

An imaginal interweave can be imagining people you know in real life or characters from a movie, book, TV program (or iconic figures that you might know about but don't know personally) to imagine drawing upon the qualities that they have.

In Laurel Parnell's model, imaginal interweaves are people who have one or all of the following qualities:

• Powerful
• Nurturing
• Wise

• Examples of Imaginal Interweaves:
• Powerful: Your favorite superhero, a person you know and admire who overcame adversity, a character from a movie like Atticus Finch from "To Kill a Mockingbird" or whoever feel powerful to you ("powerful" is whatever it means to you).
• Nurturing: A close friend, a loved one, a mentor, a coach, a favorite aunt, or a character from a TV program
• Wise: Your favorite teacher or mentor, a wise uncle, a friend, a spiritual leader, Dumbledore from Harry Potter

As I discussed in an earlier article about imaginal interweaves, most of the time, interweaves are used in trauma therapy when clients get stuck while processing a traumatic memory.

But imaginal interweaves can also be used whenever you feel you need to empower yourself, including the current pandemic crisis.

• Imaginal interweaves help to: 
• integrate memory networks
• differentiate memory networks
• provide a creative and coherent narrative
• create a broader perspective
• provide a counterbalance to negative imagination

In My Next Article:

Using positive imagination to cope is a big topic, and one blog article isn't enough to cover it sufficiently, so I'll continue this discussion in my next article (see Part 2 of this topic).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed, you're not alone.  

Fear, anxiety and grief are all common reactions to the current crisis.

Many therapists, including me, are using online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) to help clients during the current crisis when clients cannot be seen in person (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, getting help from a licensed psychotherapist can make all the difference between feeling overwhelmed and having a sense of well-being (see my article: The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During a Crisis).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy while I'm out of the office.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship

Being in an emotionally intimate and loving relationship is a desire that most people have. But achieving emotional intimacy in a relationship can be scary for many people because it involves being emotionally vulnerable (see my article: The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Relationship).

Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy

The wish to remain "safe" and avoid danger, rather than being vulnerable, is something that many people struggle with, especially if their emotional needs weren't met as children.

These people often experienced criticism, emotional neglect and shame when they sought love as children, so it's understandable that they fear getting close to someone in a relationship--even though closeness is what they really desire (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

When children are emotionally neglected, they hide the more emotionally vulnerable parts of themselves in order to protect themselves.  This was an adaptive thing to do as a child because to continue to allow themselves to yearn for what they weren't getting as children would only bring more emotional pain.

Allowing Yourself to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in a Romantic Relationship

If you were emotionally neglected as a child or if you had bad experiences in prior relationships, you don't suddenly become comfortable with emotional vulnerability (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

That self protective part of you that took care of you as a child or in a prior emotionally abusive relationship continues to operate in the same way--until you take steps to make room for emotional vulnerability.

Sometimes the pain of being alone and lonely is greater than the fear of being emotionally vulnerable, and this creates the impetus for opening up to a romantic partner (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

But allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable can still be daunting.

The truth is, whether you realize it or not, to be human is to be emotionally vulnerable.  You can try to protect yourself and avoid emotional intimacy in a romantic relationship, but you're still vulnerable in other relationships with loved ones.  It's just a part of life.  

The first step in overcoming your fear of emotional vulnerability is to become aware of your fear.

Noticing the physical and emotional cues to your avoidance can take practice because, when your fear has been longstanding, your avoidance is so automatic that you don't notice it. 

As I have mentioned in a prior article, becoming aware of your emotions usually starts with noticing what's going on in your body.  

Being present and aware of your body takes practice.  A "body scan," where you have quiet time and privacy to sense into your body to see where you're holding onto tension, is a good start.

Start from the crown of your head and slowly descend from the crown to your face, throat, chest and down to your gut.  Along the way, notice if you're holding onto tension in any particular area and then try to identify the emotion that goes with the tension.

The book, The Power of Focusing: A Practical Guide to Emotional Self Healing, by Ann Weiser Cornell is a simple how-to book on developing a "felt sense" of what's going on for you physically and emotionally.  She has practical exercises to help you develop your ability to become aware of your emotions.

Using these exercises, you can check in with yourself periodically during the day to sense what's going on for you.

Once you become more experienced with sensing your emotions, you'll discover when your fear of emotional vulnerability is operating and getting in your way.

Then, it's a matter of consciously making room for emotional vulnerability in romantic relationships with a person you can trust.

How do you know if you can trust someone enough to be emotionally vulnerable?  You need to get to know them over time and, if s/he feels safe enough, you can begin to take a risk of opening up emotionally to this person.

Getting Help in Therapy

Past trauma, including emotional neglect or abuse as a child as well as traumatic experiences in prior relationships, can make it difficult for you to achieve an emotionally intimate relationship because it feels too frightening to you.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through the earlier traumatic experiences so you can gradually learn to be emotionally vulnerable to have the love and emotional intimacy that you long for in your life.

Rather than vacillating between hope and dread, you can get help in trauma therapy to feel hopeful and secure enough to take the emotional risks to achieve emotional intimacy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Emotionally Focused Therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome their traumatic experiences so they can live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.