What's the Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness?

We live in a world where we're often bombarded by overstimulation to our senses.  Whether this involves our increased accessibility with cellphones, texts, voicemail, social media, the ability to get "breaking news" 24/7 on cable news and the Internet, or the hustle and bustle of living in New York City, this overstimulation can exhaust us.  

Solitude: The State of Being Alone Without Feeling Lonely

Solitude vs Loneliness

Being able to enjoy times when we're alone so we can experience peace and a sense of solitude can help us to relax and de-stress from these overstimulating environments.  It's part of taking care of ourselves.  

But for many people, being alone isn't about solitude at all.  It's about feeling lonely and abandoned. This makes it hard for them to de-stress.  

How can we understand the difference between being alone with a sense solitude vs being alone and feeling lonely? 

In this blog post, I'll explore loneliness and solitude.  First, I'll start with loneliness, including feelings of loneliness that we all feel, and a much more pervasive type of loneliness connected to feeling abandoned.  Then, I'll explore solitude, what it means, how to experience it, why some people have problems experiencing solitude and how to overcome this problem.

It's important to understand that everyone feels lonely at times in their lives. Often, people who are not in relationships imagine that if they had a partner, they wouldn't ever feel lonely.

Loneliness

• Even if You're in a Relationship, You Can Feel Lonely at Times: Even if you're happily married or partnered, you can feel lonely at times. Your spouse or partner will not always be perfectly in synch with your emotional state all of the time, even in the best relationship.  You might also be with a partner who is emotionally avoidant and disengages from you emotionally (see my article Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

• Attributing a Negative Meaning to Occasional Loneliness: Acknowledging and accepting occasional loneliness is part of mature adult development. But if you attribute a negative meaning to being lonely (e.g., you're a "loser," no one wants to be with you), you're going to have a very different perspective about occasional loneliness than someone who accepts it as normal.  Berating yourself for what is normal will also erode your sense of self (see my article: Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself).

• When Being Alone Triggers Feelings of Loneliness and Abandonment: Occasional loneliness is different from a pervasive feeling of being lonely and feeling abandoned most of the time.  When adults, who haven't learned to enjoy a sense of solitude, are by themselves, they will often go to great lengths not to be alone--even if it means being with people that they don't like. If there's no one around, they often keep themselves constantly distracted by keeping the TV on (even if they're not watching or listening to it), by overeating as a form of comfort, by drinking too much or using illicit drugs, smoking cigarettes, and so on. Even though they might realize they're exhausting themselves by keeping themselves distracted, it's preferable to them than dealing with feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

A History of Emotional Neglect as a Child Can Trigger Loneliness When You're Alone as an Adult

During the course of childhood development, if a young child doesn't have a fairly consistent and reliable loving presence, he or she feels abandoned.  Later on, as an adult, being alone often triggers feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

With nurturing caregivers, who are "good enough," we learn to play on our own in the presence of our adult caregivers. At around the age of three, if all goes well, we become a little more independent, being able to tolerate some alone time because we had a good early foundation with our caregivers.  

We learn to use our imagination to enter into our play and fantasy world while mom or dad is in another room nearby.  A child of three will often check back to see where mom or dad might be, and having seen that his parent is nearby, the child can go back to playing, feeling safe and secure.  More than likely, if all else goes well, this child will grow up to enjoy a sense of solitude from time to time.

But for adults who have a history of feeling emotionally abandoned as children, being alone can often feel intolerable. There is no comfort or solitude in being alone. They never learned to be alone.  Being alone means being abandoned, lonely and unworthy of love.

If being alone is intolerable, they need someone around to distract themselves from their uncomfortable feelings.  If they eat in a restaurant by themselves, they feel self conscious and fear that others are looking at them and thinking that they're alone because no one wants to be around them. If they have to go to a social event where they don't know anyone, they fear that no one will talk to them. They might even avoid going out alone because of the uncomfortable feelings that it provokes in them.

Solitude

What is Solitude?
Solitude is being able to enjoy your own company, feeling peaceful and relaxed, when you're by yourself at times.  If you can enjoy solitude, getting away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life is an important part of managing your stress.

How to Enjoy Solitude as Part of Self Care

The following are brief examples of enjoying solitude:

Marie:  Marie enjoys getting up early, before her husband and children wake up, to spend an hour or so on her own quietly sipping tea in the kitchen and reading a book. It's part of her self care routine.

Solitude as Self Care

She and her husband have a loving relationship. They enjoy spending time together as well as with their children, but Marie feels that this one hour in the morning that she has to herself before her busy day begins helps her to ease into her day in a more relaxed and quiet way. She values this time and, occasionally, when something happens where she can't spend this hour of solitude in the morning, she realizes that she is more likely to feel more frazzled during the rest of the day.

Bob:  Before he goes to bed, Bob likes to spend a half hour or so reading a favorite novel. While his wife is preparing for bed, Bob enjoys going off to the den, where it's quiet and he can have some time for himself. 

Solitude: Enjoying a Favorite Novel

This has been his nightly ritual for the five years that he and his wife have been married. At first, his wife didn't understand why Bob needed this time at the end of the day. But soon after they got married, his wife realized that she also felt more relaxed and refreshed if she also took this time to take a bubble bath, meditate or listen to music before she and Bob went to bed.

Laura:  Laura likes to take a walk in the park near her office at lunch time. Getting away from the busy phones and the demands of her job helps her to come back to the office feeling renewed and relaxed. 

Solitude as a Way to Relax

There are just enough people in the park so she feels safe, but not so many that she feels intruded or impinged upon. She can take an hour or so to lose herself in the beauty of nature or she can watch the dogs playing in the nearby dog run section of the park. She feels connected to nature at the same time that she also feels a sense of comfort with herself. On days when she spends her lunch hour working, instead of going to the park, she feels much more tired and stressed out by the end of the day.

Getting Help to Overcome a Sense of Loneliness and Emotional Isolation 
The good news is that if you've never learned to feel the comfort of solitude and being alone triggers feelings of alienation and loneliness, you can learn to overcome these issues in therapy.

There's no "quick fix," but many people have overcome this problem.   It's never too late to learn how to overcome the discomfort and fear of being alone. You can learn to enjoy solitude so you can have times when you can relax and enjoy your own company.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individuals and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma their fears of being alone (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health

You've probably heard the saying, "Laughter is the best medicine" which hints at the physical and mental health benefits of laughter.  In the past, I wrote an article, Humor Can Be Helpful in Psychotherapy, which explored how humor can sometimes increase the effectiveness of therapy.  In this article, I'm focusing on how laughter benefits both your physical and mental health.

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health
Laughter is beneficial for your mind and your body because it:

• strengthens your immune system
• elevates your mood
• reduces pain
• protects you against the harmful effects of stress
• inspires hope
• helps you to connect and bond with others
• keeps you grounded
• relaxes your body
• eases stress and anxiety
• strengthens resilience (see my article: Developing Resilience)
• diffuses anger
• reduces inhibitions
• helps you to feel recharged and energized
• increases your ability to use your imagination and increases creativity (see my article: Using Positive Imagination to Cope)

Adults Need to Seek More Opportunities For Laughter
Most children tend to laugh many times a day.  However, adults tend to be more serious, and they don't laugh as much as children. Therefore, adults, who want the health and mental health benefits of laughter, need to seek out more opportunities to laugh.

You can seek out these opportunities to include more laughter in your life by:

• watching a funny movie or TV show
• watching standup comedy
• playing games with friends
• spending time with people who are funny
• playing with your pet
• reading a funny story
• sharing a funny cartoon with friends 
• engaging in laughing yoga
• being grateful for what you have
• being "silly"
• taking an improv class
• sharing true stories about yourself with others (see my article: The Psychological Benefits of Storytelling)

Examples of How to Bring More Laughter Into Your Life

Sue
After realizing that she wasn't having as much fun as she used to, Sue decided to join an improv class, which was recommended by a friend. She had never taken an improv class before and, initially, she felt intimidated. But on her first day of class, she discovered that most other people in the class had never done improv or any type of comedy before, and they were feeling just as inhibited as she was feeling. By the second class, she realized she really liked her instructor, who made learning improv fun easy.  So, after a while, Sue opened up more and allowed herself to just have fun. She realized that she had not laughed so much in years, and she decided to take the next improv class when it was over.

Jim
Although he enjoyed painting in his free time, Jim found it to be too solitary an activity, especially since he already spent a lot of time on his own as an online editor.  He didn't look forward to spending even more time alone doing his artwork.  However, at the suggestion of a neighbor, he offered a free art class to the children in his apartment building, and while he was working with the children, he realized that not only were they having fun, but he was also having fun with them.  This group activity with children helped him to feel energized, and it allowed him to spend time alone doing his own artwork.

Conclusion
As mentioned above, there are many physical health and mental health benefits to laughter.

Sometimes, you need to experiment with different activities to find one that you enjoy.  If you approach this exploration with a sense of curiosity and playfulness, you'll discover an activity that's just right for you. In addition, you'll begin to experience the benefits of laughter.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex therapist (see my article: The Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I provide teletherapy, also known as online therapy, telemental health or telehealth for clients (see my article:  The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation with me, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing Your Inner Sense of Being Grounded, Centered and Calm

During stressful times, it helps if you can feel an internal sense of being grounded, centered and calm (see my article: Grounding Techniques).  Feeling centered and grounded might not change your external circumstances, but it will help you to handle your circumstances with a sense of calm as well as a sense agency rather than a feeling powerless (see my article: Empowering Yourself During COVID-19: There Are Things You Can Control).

Developing Your Inner Sense of Being Grounded, Centered and Calm

Being able to detect a feeling of being centered, grounded and calm requires you to slow down and sense into your body, which I'll discuss later on in this article.

How Do You Know if You're Not Feeling Centered and Grounded?
First, let's talk about the opposite experience--when you're not feeling calm, centered and grounded, which can include:

• Experiencing anxiety and worry most of the time
• Creating or participating in emotional drama
• Feeling spaced out 
• Getting easily distracted
• Spending a lot of time worrying about how you look and what others think of you
• Having frequent sleep problems, including problems with falling or staying asleep (see my article: Tips on Getting Better Sleep)
• Experiencing chronic pain
• Having inflammation in your body
• Experiencing poor circulation in your body
• Feeling tired most of time

How to Develop a Sense of Being Grounded, Centered and Calm
As I mentioned earlier, you need to start by slowing down and noticing what's going on in your body.

Practice this at least once a day (more if you're feeling stressed at various times during the day or night):

• Find a quiet place for yourself in your home where you'll be undisturbed for at least 5-10 minutes (see my article: Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions).
• Depending upon your situation at home, this might mean getting up earlier than the rest of your family or taking a few minutes when it's quiet at another time of day, including bedtime.
• If there's no particular time when you usually have alone time, ask your family to allow you a few minutes to yourself (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?). 
• Since both positive and negative emotions are often contagious, if you get calm and centered, it will help the rest of the family, including children,
• Sit up in a chair where you have back support and your feet touch the floor.

• Close your eyes (if you don't feel comfortable closing your eyes, find a spot on the floor to focus your attention so you're not distracted and your eyes aren't wandering around).

• Take a couple of regular breaths.
• After you have taken a couple of regular breaths, do a simple breathing exercise where you inhale and exhale through your nose (as opposed to your mouth).  Do this at your own pace:
• Breathe in to the count of 4
• Hold your breath for a count of 4
• Breathe out for 8
• Repeat as many times as required until you feel yourself getting calm

• Do the Body Scan meditation 
• When you do the Body Scan meditation, you're slowly sensing into your body to see where you're holding onto any tension.
• Wherever you sense tension in your body, imagine you could send your breath to that part of your body to help it relax.
• Thoughts will probably come up to distract you.  This is a common experience.  Imagine that you could take each thought and put it on a puffy white cloud so that it can float away, and then return to sensing into your body.

• Practice Breathing and the Body Scan meditation daily 
• If you're not accustomed to doing these exercises, you'll probably discover that they become easier with practice.
• It all starts with slowing down your mind and your body.

If you practice these exercises daily, but you're still having problems with sensing what's going on with your body, don't worry--this is a common experience that you can overcome.  I discuss this in my next article: The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Internal Experiences.

Conclusion

When you're going through a stressful time, as most of us are now during the COVID-19 crisis, it's easy to get overwhelmed physically and emotionally.

One way to get a handle on your stress is to start by slowing down and doing the exercises mentioned above to get more centered.

Getting Help in Therapy

You're not alone.   Many people are experiencing more stress than usual at this time, and they're having problems coping (see my article: Common Reactions During a Crisis: Fear and Anxiety).

During times of high stress, unresolved problems from the past can get triggered and they can feel overwhelming.  

Most therapists, including me, are offering online therapy (also called teletherapy or telehealth) while they're out of the office due to COVID-19 (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Psychological Benefits of Taking a Vacation

There are definite psychological benefits to taking a vacation.

Yet, taking a vacation is something that many people debate about, even when they have the time and money to go.  If you need convincing that going on vacation can be beneficial, here are some of the psychological benefits of going on vacation.

The Psychological Benefits of Taking a Vacation

Psychological Benefits of Taking a Vacation:

Vacations can provide you with an opportunity to:

• Relax:  Even people who believe that they thrive on stress need down time every so often.  Taking a vacation gives you an opportunity to relax.  Getting away from your daily routines and worries, even for just a few days, helps to get some distance, not just physically but also psychologically, because you can leave your cares behind.

• Learn New Things:  When you're at home, you're in familiar surroundings, but when you go on vacation, especially if you travel outside the country, chances are, you'll be learning new things, whether it's a few words in a new language or how to negotiate prices at a bazaar.   This can be fun and exciting.

• Discover a New Perspective:  When you go to a new place, you're exposed to new cultures, different ideas, and ways of doing things.  Traveling gives you an opportunity to try new things--whether it's new foods, new customs or a different way of looking at life.  The contrast can also give you a different perspective about your own life (see my article:  Expanding Your Horizons While Traveling).

• Help You to Realize How Resourceful You Can Be:  When you're at home going through your normal routine, there are times when you can almost do it with your eyes closed.  But when you travel, opportunities present themselves that might challenge you to be more resourceful in how you navigate change or deal with a challenging situation.  People often discover that they're a lot more resourceful than they realized (see my article:  The Joy and Challenges of Traveling).

• Precipitate Change in Your Life:  A vacation to a place where you've never been can spark an idea that you'd like to make changes in your life, whether it's a geographical change or a psychological change.

• Reconnect With Your Inner World and Your Partner/Spouse:  A vacation can give you an opportunity to reconnect with your inner emotional world in ways that staying at home often doesn't.  You have the time and space to focus on yourself.  And if you travel with your partner or spouse, you also have an opportunity to reconnect and rekindle things between you (see my article:  Learning About Yourself While Traveling).

The Psychological Benefits of Taking a Vacation:  Rekindling Your Relationship

Even just a few days away can provide you with many of these psychological benefits, so if you have the time and money to travel, treat yourself to some time away.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips for Overcoming Shyness

Are you uncomfortable about attending social events because of your shyness?  Is the thought of attending an after work activity with your coworkers enough to make you want to hide with the covers over your head?

If you're tend an introvert rather than an extrovert, you don't need to change your whole personality in order to overcome your shyness.

Tips For Overcoming Shyness

The following tips can help you to overcome shyness so that you learn to actually enjoy yourself during social events:

Prepare Before the Social Event
If you fear that you'll have nothing to say or that people won't find you interesting, think about some topics that you might talk about.

If you happen to know that you and other people at the party enjoy yoga, consider this as a topic that you might bring up to get the conversation going.

Allow the Hostess to Introduce You to Like-Minded People
Hostesses (or hosts) who are adept at giving parties know how to introduce certain people that they think might hit it off.

If you have a hostess with good people skills who is aware that certain guests share particular interests, she might introduce you to others by saying something like, "Joe, this is Alice.  I thought you'd like to meet each other because you both share an interest in jazz."

Although this isn't something you can always rely on, when it happens, it can help you to overcome some of the awkwardness you might feel in a social situation.

Learn to Focus on Others, Instead of Yourself, at Social Events
Shy people often feel so self conscious at social events that they're afraid that they'll have nothing interesting to say and no one will want to talk to them.

Being shy and fearing social events can keep shy people locked in a state of self absorption, which only makes matters worse.

Tips for Overcoming Shyness:  Focus on Others at Social Events

Rather than focusing on yourself and all the deficiencies you fear others will find in you, try to forget about yourself and focus on the other people at the party or social event.

Get curious and develop an interest in the other people who are there.

Asking appropriate questions of the strangers that you meet at a party (i.e., how they know the host) can be an ice breaker and give you and others a topic to talk about that could lead to other topics.

Showing an interest in others also allows you to forget about your own feelings of being self conscious.

Be Aware of Your Body Language and the Social Signals That You're Sending Out
Without even realizing, many people who are shy come across as if they're unfriendly, rather than shy, because they're sending out the wrong signal to others at social events.

If you're sitting hunched over in the corner and avoiding eye contact with others, chances are that people will think you're unapproachable rather than thinking that you're shy.

Learn to maintain an open posture and smile.  Not only will this make you appear more approachable, but it might be helpful to others who might also be shy.

Think About How You Can Put Others at Ease
If you can stop focusing on your own shyness, as I mentioned, you might realize that there are other people, besides you, who are also struggling with shyness.

If you can find ways to help put others to feel more at ease, not only will this be helpful to others, but it can also be helpful to you.

One possible way to help yourself and others to be more at ease is to volunteer to help out in some way at the social event.

So, for instance, if you've been invited to a party, you can ask the hostess if you can help to show people around the garden or help with the drinks.

Being involved with a task related to the party can help you to feel like you're more a part of the event.  And, you'll also be adding to other people's comfort and ease.

Learn to Calm Yourself:  Remember to Breathe
When people feel shy or anxious, they often breathe in shallow ways, which only adds to their discomfort.

As simple as it sounds, taking a deep breath can help to calm your body and your mind.

One particular breathing exercise that is particularly helpful is called Square Breathing.
See my article:  Learning to Relax: Square Breathing.

Another exercise you can try before you go to a social event is called Safe Place Meditation.

Getting Help in Therapy
If these simple tips aren't helpful to you and your shyness is really getting in the way of your personal life and your career, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise with this issue.  It's possible that your problem isn't just shyness but, possibly, something more deep seated.

People who are able to overcome shyness are relieved to be able to socialize and meet others without feeling hampered by feeling self conscious and socially awkward.  By getting help, you can also learn to overcome your shyness so you can feel more confident in social situations.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Workplace Stress: 5 Things You Can Do to Reduce Your Stress at Work

I've been hearing more and more from clients and friends about how excessive work demands have been taking a toll on their stress levels.  With fewer employees, companies are expecting the remaining employees to pick up the slack and, often, ask them to take on  the duties of two or more former employees.  This often causes a lot of stress and fatigue, so that even when they're home with their loved ones, they're too tired and stressed out to spend quality time with them.

Coping With Workplace Stress

Consider the Consequences of Stress to Your Health and Personal Relationships
Before you sign on for extra work projects, it would be wise for you to consider the consequences of taking on this extra work and stress to your health and your personal relationships.  An optimal amount of stress (whatever is optimal for you personally) can help you to focus and accomplish tasks.  But when stress is excessive, as it usually is when you're taking on too many work tasks, it can compromise your immune system.

Over time, if you get little or no relief from the stress, it can cause you to develop stress-related illnesses like headaches, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), high blood pressure, heart problems and other chronic illnesses.

5 Things You Can Do to Reduce Stress at Work

• Go out for a short walk: This sounds so simple, but it can really make a difference to go out for a short walk (longer, if you can) to get away, even for 10 or 15 minutes from work stress.  Rather than having lunch at your desk and trying to do work, take a break and go out.  When you come back, you'll feel refreshed.

• Take a nap at lunch time:If you have your own office where you can close the door, set an alarm for 20 minutes or half an hour at lunch time and take a nap.  Taking a nap in the middle of the day can do wonders to help you feel revived.  People who take a short nap during the day usually feel revived after their nap, and they can approach their work with more energy.

• Listen to a guided meditation recording: There are so many different guided meditation recordings that you can download from the Internet.  I usually recommend that you set an alarm before you listen to the recording to make sure that you don't snooze away the rest of the day.  Guided meditations can help you to feel that you've gotten away for a while from your work environment, at least, on an emotional level.

• Get up, stretch and breathe: Rather than sitting hunched over your desk the entire day, get up at least once every hour or so and stretch.  Even simple stretches can help to relax tense muscles so you feel less stressed out.  When we're very stressed out, we sometimes breathe in a very shallow way.  When  you get up to stretch, check out whether you're taking full, relaxing breaths when you breathe or if you're taking shallow breaths.  Make a conscious effort to take a few deep breaths to calm yourself and help you to relax.

• Learn to say "no" when you can: This can be a tough one.  You know your boss and your work environment.  If there are times when you feel you can say "no" without jeopardizing your job, learn to say "no" at those times.  If you always accept extra assignments, the expectation will be that your boss can continue to overload you with extra work all of the time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Pets Can Help Improve Your Mental Health

Psychological research has shown that people with pets, generally speaking, tend to be happier and healthier.  Our pets, whether they are dogs or cats, provide us with emotional support.  They bond with us, and most people see them as family members.

Pets Can Provide Emotional Support for People Who Are Socially Isolated
People who might be experiencing social isolation, often fare better if they have a pet.  Our pets usually love us unconditionally (and how often do you experience that!) and we love them.  They're a source of comfort and can be a source of joy.

Pets Can Improve Your Mental Health

Pets and the Elderly
Assisted living and nursing home facilities have found that the elderly respond to dogs and cats even when they might not respond to other residents or staff.  They enjoy the pet's company, including their physical and emotional warmth, and the tactile sense when they pet them.

I was very moved to hear a story about a cat in a senior residence who instinctively knew when a resident wasn't feeling well.  He would lie on the bed with the resident, providing comfort.  This cat was also attuned to when a elderly resident was about to pass away, and he would stay with the resident until he or she died.  The staff said it often helped the resident to have a peaceful passing.

Pets Can Help Us to Relax and Shift into a Good Mood
Even when you're not around your pet, just thinking about your cat or dog can help you to relax and shift your mood.

I love both cats and dogs, but I'm especially partial to cats.  I had my cat, Hecate, from the time she was about seven weeks old until she died at the age of 19.  Contrary to what people often say about cats, she was very sweet, loving, and cuddly.  When I first got her, she would drape herself across the top of my head at night like a fur hat.  She was also very smart (I know, I know--everyone thinks his or her pet is the cutest and smartest!)

In the morning, Hecate would pat my mouth with her paw to let me know she wanted her breakfast.  She was also very playful.  Once I was looking for her all over the apartment.  

Usually, she would come when I called her name, but this time she wasn't responding, so I was starting to get worried.  Then, as I was standing by the refrigerator wondering where she might be, I felt a tap-tap-tap on my head.  I looked up.  She was standing on top of the refrigerator, giving me a mischievous look. Then, she jumped back to hide again, and slowly creeped to the edge and peered over the side to see if I would play with her which, of course, I did.

Hecate passed away more than 10 years ago now, but all I have to do to shift my mood is to think of her and she still brings a smile to my face and a warm feeling.

Although pets can improve your mental health, they are also a responsibility and not everyone can afford or provide care for a pet.  

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Coping with Pet Loss

Being in the Present Moment

Most of us tend to lead such busy lives that we're either focused on the past or projecting our thoughts into the future, often losing sight of the present moment. When our focus is either primarily on the past or in the future, so much of what is going on in the present can pass us by. This often robs our lives of meaning and can lead to unnecessary worry and rumination.

Being in the Present Moment

How Can We Learn to be in the Present Moment?
For many people, learning to be in the present moment can be a challenge. Unfortunately, most of us are not taught this skill as children, especially if we're raised in a household that is very goal oriented. When the focus is almost exclusively goal oriented, the emphasis tends to be on "the next thing" rather than on the present.

While there are certainly advantages to having goals in term of giving our lives direction, if we only focus on goals, we're often robbed of what's meaningful and rich in the present moment. Conversely, if our focus is primarily on the past, beyond learning from our experiences and understanding how we arrived at our current circumstances, we can get stuck and paralyzed looking backwards.

Start with Small Steps
When we're learning to make fundamental changes, we can start by taking small steps. So, this might mean taking breaks in the middle of our day, finding a quiet and private moment, closing our eyes and focusing on our breath. You don't need to know how to do any special breathing exercises. Just the act of focusing on your breath can slow down your heart rate and help you to relax.

While you're focusing on your breath, you can notice the quality of the air coming through your nostrils, whether the air feels cool or warm, dry or moist, how it feels as you take air into your lungs and feel your lungs expanding. Then, as you exhale, feeling all the stress and strain of the day leaving your body. Breathe normally and focus on whatever sensations you feel in your body.

In this way, you develop a mindful approach towards de-stressing and learning to be in the present moment. This might only take a few minutes, if that's all the time that you have or, if you can do this in a more leisurely manner, you might take more time.

Usually, you're likely to find that just the act of noticing your breath can be relaxing and refreshing. The challenging part is remembering to do it so you can do it on a regular basis.

Attending a yoga class, if you're able, can also be a wonderful way to be in the moment. As your yoga teacher gives you instructions about the poses, you're very focused on following his or her instructions, including the precise placement of your body in the pose. Usually, whatever you might have been worrying about before yoga class no longer preoccupies your mind because you're very focused on the yoga poses and the coordinated breathing that goes with the pose. Afterwards, most people feel relaxed and have an overall sense of well being.

If you think you might like to learn to meditate and you're new to meditation, you can get CDs that appeal to you with guided meditations. You might find that you have "monkey mind," a tendency for your thoughts to wander from one topic to the next, similar to a monkey jumping from one tree top branch to the next. But that's okay. As each thought comes into your mind, you can notice it and just let it go, like clouds that are passing in the sky.

Getting out into nature and really noticing the sights, sounds, and scents around you can also be a wonderful way to be in the present moment. This doesn't require any special skills. You just need to be present and take in what's around you.

People who know how to be in the present moment usually discover that when they return to whatever task or issue that they were concerned about before, they come back to it refreshed and much more creative than if they just continued to plod on.

As a psychotherapist in NYC, I encourage my clients to develop both internal and external resources, including being able to visualize in their mind's eye a safe or relaxing place. If they can't visualize a safe or relaxing place, I encourage them to think about a person, pet, symbol, spiritual being (if this has meaning for them) that gives them comfort and use that in their visualization.

Each of us can learn to develop our own preferred way to be in the present moment and, in doing so, discover a sense of contentment and gratitude.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,

Wellness: Safe Place Meditation

In the prior post, Wellness and Meditation I explored basic meditative techniques. I suggested that you can start by focusing on your breath.

Safe Place Meditation

Safe Place Meditation
As I mentioned in the prior post, there are many different types of meditation. One type of meditation that I usually teach clients is called the Safe Place meditation, which I'll explore in this post.

Now, "safe" is a relative term. For some people, possibly due to their history of trauma, there might not be anywhere that they can visualize that would be "safe." So, if you're not comfortable with the words "safe place," you can think of it as a relaxing, peaceful place. Over time, practice usually makes it easier.

As I mentioned in the prior post, assuming that you're in a good place to meditate (never when you're drving or when you need to be fully alert), start by closing your eyes and focusing on your breath. After a few relaxing breaths, picture a relaxing, peaceful place. It might be a beach or your favorite place in the countryside or wherever it feels most relaxing to you.

Whatever place you choose, look around in your mind's eye and notice what's there--the colors, shapes and patterns of things around you. Really take time to notice. 

Then, notice what sounds you "hear" in this place. So, if you're at the beach, maybe you hear the sound of the waves as they crash along the shore or maybe you hear the sea gulls as they fly over the water. 

Then, just notice any scents you might "smell." Once again, if you're at the beach, maybe you smell the salt from the water. 

You might also "taste" the salt. Notice any sensations you might "feel." At the beach, you might feel the breeze coming off the water or the coolness of the water against your toes or maybe you feel the gentle heat from the sun warming your body.

If any distracting thoughts come to mind, as they often do for most people, just notice them and let them go. Let them drift by like clouds passing by overhead. 

When you're ready to return, take a couple of deep breaths. You can wiggle your fingers or toes so that you're alert and fully present in your environment. Then, open your eyes.

Meditation Practice
Meditation takes practice. If you have difficulty visualizing or imagining using your other senses, don't worry about it. It usually becomes easier over time. 

In the meantime, enjoy the Safe Place meditation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

Please feel free to call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me to set up an appointment.

Learning to Relax: Going on an Internal Retreat

Learning to Relax:  Going on an Internal Retreat

Taking time to yourself to relax is an important part of self care, especially for people who spend most of their time taking care of others.  Generally, when we think of retreats, we think of going away somewhere to get away from everything.  

Places like Omega in Rhinebeck, NY or Kripalu in Lenox, MA offer retreats for people who want to relax and get away from it all for a day, a weekend or longer.   

But there are times when we can't get a way to a spa or a weekend retreat.  So, can we get some of the benefits of going on a retreat without actually going anywhere?

What is a "retreat"?
Let's first look at the definition of the word "retreat."

Here are some common definitions:

     "a place of privacy; a place affording peace and quiet"

     "move away, as for privacy"

     "hideaway: an area where you can be alone"


Going on an Internal Retreat

An Internal Retreat:  Relaxation, Peace, Calm

Notice that in these particular definitions above it says nothing about having to book a spa weekend or a yoga or spiritual retreat. The emphasis is on moving away and finding privacy to find peace and quiet.

So while a retreat can be an external place, more importantly, it's a calm internal place that you go to in your mind when you have quiet and privacy to enter into that part of your internal world.

It's so important to your personal well being to have a time and place where you can retreat into your internal world and relax for at least a few minutes. Most people know this, but it's so easy forget.

Internal Retreat:  Taking a Few Minutes to Yourself to Relax

When you have privacy and some quiet time, an internal retreat can be as little as 5 or 10 minutes of just focusing on your breathing. Often, it's a matter of developing this habit and making it a regular part of your normal day. The benefits to your overall health and well being can be tremendous.

We can learn a lot from our pets, who know how to relax at just about any time and place.

Our Pets Can Teach Us a Lot About How to Relax

If you do get a chance to go out into nature, even if it's just for a short time, you can feel refreshed and rejuvenated.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.   I work with individual adults and couples.  

I help clients in my psychotherapy practice to learn self care and how to relax in their everyday lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my articles on Mindfulness Meditation and Solitude vs Loneliness.


Photo Credits:  Photo Pin

Stress Management: Creating Quiet Time for Yourself

Many people have such busy personal and work-related schedules that they consider finding quiet time for themselves to be a luxury. Most people are far too accessible by cell phone, Blackberry or other modern technology that, even when they make an attempt to create quiet time for themselves, they're often intruded upon when they're trying to relax

Stress Management: Creating Quiet Time For Yourself

Far from being a luxury, creating quiet time for yourself is a necessity for your physical health and overall well-being. And, as such, creating quiet time is an important part of stress management. The medical benefits have been known to include lower blood pressure and heart rate. Even just taking a few minutes each day to close your eyes to relax can be helpful to your peace of mind.

In the US, we tend to be people who are always on the go. Pressuring ourselves and responding to outside pressure in our lives, we feel we have to work faster, harder and longer. Even when we play, so many of us feel that we must "play hard."

For many people, the idea of taking quiet time during the day seems like a waste of time that could be better used to do one more chore, to make one more phone call, or to do one more task.

When I talk to people about creating quiet time in their lives, they often respond that they don't have time. They tell me about all of the things that they must do and all of the things that they don't get to that they feel guilty about.

How I Create Quiet Time For Myself:
I understand how busy life can be. My workdays tend to be long and my schedule is often hectic. If I chose to, I could fill my every waking hour with work, phone calls and other tasks. In order for me to have quiet time in my day, I have to make a conscious effort to build it into my schedule, just like any other appointment or task.

Usually, during the week, I find at least 10-15 minutes around lunch time to either meditate or do some restorative yoga poses as part of my stress management routine. I turn off the phone, put my Blackberry away, and take off my watch in order to feel that this time is really mine. Those 10-15 minutes of relaxation make such a positive difference in how I feel the rest of the day.

Over the weekend, I usually attend two yoga classes that include several minutes of quiet relaxation at the end of the class. During the class, the yoga instructors give very detailed instructions about each pose so that I must focus my attention on what they're saying, what I'm doing, and how the pose feels in my body. I don't have time or space to focus on anything else, so that the hour and a half that I spend in class allows me to get away completely from my daily concerns. It feels like a moving meditation. Afterwards, not only do I feel relaxed, I also feel refreshed and leave the class with a sense of contentment.

For me, simple pleasures are best for creating quiet time. One of my favorite simple pleasures is going to the local community bookstore, which has been there for over 25 years (even though one of the major bookstore chains has been within walking distance for the last 10 years). The staff in this bookstore is knowledgeable, friendly, and involved with what's going on in the community. They encourage customers to come in and relax.

If I go early enough, this bookstore is usually quiet. I can choose a book from the shelf, sit on the couch and allow myself to enter into the author's world. My cell phone and Blackberry are usually off during this time.

There are two cats in this bookstore, and if I'm lucky, one of them comes to cuddle and sleep in my lap. Aside from enjoying the cats' company, as creatures who know how to relax, they remind me how to stretch and find a few peaceful moments to myself. On sunny days, the garden in the back is the perfect place to sit, read, sip tea, admire the plants and trees, listen to the birds, play with the cats, or get lost in a book.

From early on, my mother instilled in me a love of books. We would make trips to the local library at least twice a week to take out new books. Then, we would go to the park that was across the street from my school and my mother would read to me. The books that really stick in my mind are the Madeline series by Ludwig Bemelmans. Even today, when I'm in the local bookstore, which has a section for children, and I hear a parent reading  to her child, I get vicarious pleasure from eavesdropping and hearing the familiar stories.

I might stay in this bookstore 10 minutes or I might stay a couple of hours. How ever long it is, I usually feel like I've gotten away because it's a special time and a special place that's just for me that I allow myself to have.

So, those are some of the things that I do to create quiet time for myself. But what about you?

Suggestions for Creating Quiet Time For Yourself:

Get Up a Little Earlier Than You Usually Do to Have Some Quiet Time:
There is something so precious about having 10-30 minutes to yourself before the rest of the family gets up or you're expected to respond to other people's needs. Even if all you do is have a soothing cup of tea before your day begins, it's a good time to reconnect with yourself.

Rather than using that time to make to-do lists or take care of other chores, just sit, be quiet and breathe. I'm convinced that most of us are so busy talking and doing things that we don't take time to relax and be quiet. And many of us go through the day not realizing that we're often holding our breath much of the time due to excessive tension. So, remembering to be conscious to breathe fully is an important part of relaxation.

Take Time to Be Quiet at Lunch:
Even just a few minutes at lunch time to close your door to relax can be beneficial and, in the long run, make you more productive. Going out for a walk to a nearby park, river or peaceful place in nature can also be very relaxing. Can't find a nearby nature spot? How about watching dogs play at the local dog run?


Create a Peaceful Environment for Yourself:
I have two offices and both of them have pictures of nature. In one of them, I have a picture that's called "Proust's Garden." I have no idea if this is actually what Marcel Proust's garden looked like, but the name of the picture and the picture itself, full of plants and trees with dappled sun and shadows, has such a positive association to relaxation and beautiful prose that whenever I look at it, I feel peaceful. It's a very inviting picture that draws you in.  Clients often comment about that picture and how soothing it is. 

 In that same office, I have seashells on my bookshelf. Aside from the actual beauty of the shells, they're a reminder of the ocean and peaceful days spent by the water. In my other office, the picture that's behind me is of a garden and a gazebo. Clients often comment about that picture too and how restful it is when their eyes land on it.

Even if you have one picture or one object that you like that your eye can land on from time to time, your association to that object can bring about a state of well-being when you can't get away.

If you think about it, I'm sure that you would discover other ways that are meaningful to you to create quiet time for yourself. And when you do, you'll experience the benefits of having that special time that you deserve.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Workaholism

What is Workaholism?
Workaholism is a powerful obsession. It occurs when a people don't have a healthy balance between work and the other areas of their lives: their relationships, family, friends, leisure time, and social activities. 

Overcoming Workaholism

People who work excessively derive their sense of self and feel good about themselves primarily through work activities. They use work to derive a sense of approval, respect and success. They might spend 60-70 hours or more per week working. They have a hard time slowing down and relaxing. 

They often feel irritable and uncomfortable when they're not working. For some workaholics, even if they're not actually working, they're thinking about work most of the time. It's their main preoccupation. Often, relationships with their partners, children, and family suffer.

We Encourage Workaholism in Our Society
In our society, we often, unwittingly, encourage workaholism to the detriment of the individuals involved. Workaholics are often rewarded with praise, status, and money. Rather than encouraging people to have a healthy balance between work and personal life, many work settings take a narrow view only in terms of how their employees add to the bottom line.

But, over time, workaholism takes its toll on the individual's health and his or her relationships. Often, over time, when workaholics can't relax, workaholism will also take a toll on their work life because an extreme workaholic will eventually suffer from "burn out."

Martin (a composite of several cases with all identifying information changed):
When Martin came to see me for his first session, I found him pacing up and down in my reception area, on his cell phone and looking at his Blackberry at the same time. He sat at the edge of my couch and he had difficulty settling down. I encouraged Martin to take a few deep breaths before we began talking because he seemed so agitated. After a few minutes, he was able to calm down somewhat, but he kept glancing nervously at his Blackberry. I could tell that he was annoyed when I asked him to turn off his phone and put away the Blackberry.

Martin was referred to me by his coach, who had been trying to help him achieve more balance in his life. According to Martin's coach, Martin, who had been a successful salesman, was suffering from burn out. His burn out was evident in his insomnia, exhaustion, poor diet, problems at home with his wife, who felt neglected by him and, ultimately, in his sales performance.

Martin's personal life and ability to take care of himself (e.g., learn to relax, get to bed at a reasonable hour, eat nutritious meals, and so on) had been declining for some time. It wasn't until his boss spoke to Martin about his declining work performance that Martin sought out an executive coach. He found it intolerable that his work performance was slipping.

At first, he thought that he could just whip himself back into shape and his sales numbers would soar again, as they usually did. But Martin was running on empty, and if he couldn't whip himself back to where he had been before, he didn't know what to do. He thought that if he hired an executive coach, he could get back to his peak performance. But his coach recognized early on that Martin had more serious emotional problems that were beyond coaching. So, he referred Marin to me.

Initially, Martin had difficulty seeing that his life was completely out of balance. He had worked compulsively for so long that it seemed normal to him to work 80-100 hours a week. Even when he was not physically working, he was thinking obsessively about work. His wife was completely fed up with Martin's workaholism, and when she threatened to divorce him, Martin began to finally admit that he had a problem that could not be solved by beating himself up constantly.

Admitting that he had a serious problem was the first step in Martin's recovery from workaholism. But learning to actually let go of his obsessive need to work was a big challenge for him. As a result, work in therapy went slowly at first. But, gradually, over time, he began to understand that his obsessive need to work was just like any other addictive behavior.

Since he didn't know how to relax, at first, he had to learn to schedule in leisure time into his week. With some difficulty, he learned to meditate in our therapy sessions and he started meditating once a day in the mornings. He and his wife also scheduled a date night once a week. During their date night, Martin learned to turn off his phone and focus on his wife. Gradually, he learned to incorporate other leisure activities in his life.

As Martin learned to relax and take better care of himself, his work performance also improved substantially, even though he was spending a lot less time working. Because he was taking care of himself, he approached his work with much more vitality and creativity. His boss noticed and commended him for his improved performance. But Martin had to learn not to allow that praise to trigger him into starting to work obsessively again.

As we explored Martin's family background, it became evident that praise and admiration were strong triggers that drove Martin's workaholism. His father, who was usually emotionally distant, was a workaholic himself. He only praised Martin and showed any affection for him when Martin achieved perfect grades (all A's). His father could not tolerate anything less than perfection. So, as a child, Martin pushed himself harder and harder to gain his father's praise, which meant everything to him. Martin's relentless need to achieve as a child was the beginning of his workaholism.

Part of Martin's work in therapy was to grieve that he didn't have a father who could express affection to him for Martin just being himself. Martin grew up feeling that he was "not enough" and had to excel at whatever he did, especially schoolwork, in order for his father to love him. He only felt as good as his current grades. He was very competitive with his fellow students and felt that he always had to be the best.

The type of work that Martin chose was also conducive to his workaholic style. He was paid by commission and his salary structure fueled his obsession to earn more and more money. But no matter how much he earned, he only felt gratified for a while before he felt the need to earn more. Prior to coming to therapy, Martin was caught in a vicious cycle of greed. As an adult, instead of measuring himself by his grades, he now measured himself by the amount of money that he earned. In many ways, this was worse than performing for grades because his earning potential was nearly limitless if he brought in the business. The sales numbers for all the sales people were also always available for Martin and his colleagues to see, so that also fueled Martin's obsession to work compulsively.

Martin's therapy was not short term. After he was engaged in therapy and learned to be curious about his problems, he was able to delve deeper into the roots of his compulsively. It wasn't easy for him, but Martin came to his sessions regularly. Over time, he learned to have more balance in his life and he found his life much more fulfilling.

Workaholism Also Shows Up at Home
Workaholism is not just about what people do in their careers. It can also show up at home: The man or woman who cleans obsessively at home is also a workaholic. It's the same obsessive need that drives the person at work.

If you're a workaholic, learning to slow down is often a challenge. Learning not to treat yourself like you're a human being and not a production machine can also be challenging. But the benefits to your overall well being and your relationships cannot be overestimated.

Getting Help in Therapy

People who are workaholics often cannot learn to stop working obsessively on their own.

If you think you're a workaholic, ask for support from your loved ones and get help from a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist. I have helped many clients overcome obsessive and addictive behaviors.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.