Romantic Attractions: Can Limerence (Also Known As "Love at First Sight" or Infatuation) Turn Into Love?

Limerence is often described as "love at first sight." It's also often called infatuation, obsessiveness, a crush, an attraction, and so on.  It can last anywhere from a few months to a few years.  

Love and Limerence

I wrote two prior articles, What is Limerence? and What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?, to define limerence, how it's different from love, and describe the various stages that many people go through, so take a look at those articles if you're unfamiliar with the concept.

How Does Limerence Turn Into Love?

In the current article, I'll be describing how limerence can turn into love.  

Limerence and Love

    Characteristics of a Stable Love Relationship

Love and limerence are different.  Love isn't based on fantasies, illusions or obsessions like limerence.  Instead, love is based on the following qualities (at a minimum):

• Mutual Agreement About the Relationship: You and your partner are in mutual agreement about being in a relationship and what you want in a relationship (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).

• Emotional Vulnerability and Intimacy: Each person feels safe enough to express their love to their partner to enhance emotional intimacy (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Limerence and Love

• Mutual Caring: Each person cares about the other and shows how much they care through their words and behavior (see my article: Are Your Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?).

• Mutual Respect: Each person respects the other and their personal boundaries (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

Limerence and Love

• Trust: Trust is the foundation of any loving relationship. Without trust a loving, healthy relationship doesn't exist.

• Good Communication: Each person can speak openly and honestly to their partner with tact and respect without fear of retaliation (What is Good Communication in a Relationship?).

• Individuality: Each person continues to develop their own interests and friendships and supports their partner's individuality (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Limerence and Love

• Compromise: Each person can acknowledge their partner's perspective, even if they don't agree, and there's a give-and-take as long as it doesn't jeopardize either person's values.

• Healthy Sexuality: Sex is consensual without pressure. Each person cares about the other person's sexual well-being and both are focused on pleasure and sexual intimacy (see my article: What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?).

There are many other qualities in a loving relationship, but the ones listed above are some of the most basic.  You might also have other important qualities and characteristics that are specifically important to you, like religion, culture, finances, and so on.

    Steps You Can Take to Assess Whether Your Romantic Attraction Can Turn Into Stable Love

Here are some factors to consider:

• Assess Whether You're Ready to Be in a Relationship: Before you do anything else, including talking to your partner, think about whether you are ready to be in a stable loving relationship. Compared to the fun involved with an infatuation, a loving stable relationship takes maturity and commitment. Contrary to what many people believe, you don't have to work out all your emotional issues before you get into a relationship, but you do need to be emotionally stable and ready.  Also, ask yourself if you're looking for a relationship as a way for someone else to complete you because that's not a good reason to enter into a committed relationship.

Love and Limerence

• Assess Whether Your Partner is Ready to Be in a Relationship With You: Does your partner want to be in a committed relationship with you? Although this can feel uncomfortable, you need to talk about it if this is something you're seriously considering. Are you idealizing your partner? Are you caught up in fantasies or illusions about what a relationship would be like with them? Beyond being fun and having a good time sexually, is your partner mature, stable and responsible enough to be part of a committed relationship? Are they capable of forming a loving bond with you that can withstand the  challenges that come up in any committed relationship? What is their relationship history? Are they trustworthy? If you find yourself having thoughts about how you can change your partner, stop--you're going down the wrong path.  Assess your partner just the way they are right now.

Love and Limerence

• Assess the Dynamic Between You and Your Partner: Even though you're having fun now, can the two of you interact in a way that includes the characteristics listed above for a stable relationship? You might not be able to tell yet if you've only been dating for a short time.  But assuming you're both interested in exploring the possibility of a committed relationship together, consider any positive or negative signs and how these characteristics balance out for you and what you're looking for in a committed relationship. 

Love and Limerence

• Assess Whether You're Both Ready to Work on a Stable Relationship Together: Even the best relationships take work, especially after the stages of limerence.  Are you both willing and able to do the work to have a healthy relationship together? Are you both interested in the same relationship goals?

    Other Considerations That Might Be Important to You

You might have other considerations that are important to you, so take time to think about those factors. Write them down to get clarity for yourself and so you can communicate them to your partner, if you choose to do so.

Conclusion

Limerence, which is also known as "love at first sight" or infatuation, usually lasts anywhere from a few months to a few years.

By itself, limerence isn't the basis for a stable loving relationship, but it can be the fun beginning to a new romantic attraction.

Over time, if the right combination of factors are there for you and your partner, limerence can develop into mature love.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Romantic Attractions: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?

In my prior article, Romantic Attractions: What is Limerence, Also Known As "Love At First Sight", I defined limerence and its similarities and differences to love.  In the current article, I'm focusing on the 3 Stages of Limerence.

Romantic Attractions: The 3 Stages of Limerence

As a recap: Limerence is a state of mind where someone feels infatuated or obsessed with the person they desire. This state of mind is often referred to as "love at first sight."  Limerence usually occurs during the early stage of a relationship.  Generally, it lasts anywhere from a few months to a few years for most people. It has similarities and differences with love, which you can read about in the prior article.

What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?

• Stage 1: Infatuation: This stage occurs during the early stage of a relationship. This is the "honeymoon" phase or the stage when there's a crush. Relationship experts often refer to it as the infatuation stage.  It's often characterized by obsession, possessiveness and jealousy as well as idealization of the desired person (as opposed to a realistic perspective).

• Stage 2: Crystallization: Limerence begins to fade in this stage as the two people get to know each other. They're each beginning to get a more realistic perspective about each other.  If the two people become a couple, they face disappointments in each other as well as in other parts of life and they face challenges together. During this stage, although the perspective might be a little more realistic, they might also rationalize away individual problems as well as problems between them.  There is a strong impulse to try to maintain the earlier stage of infatuation even as it might begin to fade.  There might still be obsessive thoughts and emotions during this phase.

• Stage 3: Deterioration: This is the stage where limerence deteriorates. Deterioration can happen quickly or slowly over time depending upon the two people and the situation involved. Instead of idealizing the other person, the person is this stage sees their flaws and problems in the relationship more clearly.  Any unrealistic fantasies fade.

Clinical Vignette: The 3 Stages of Limerence

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can go through the 3 Stages of Limerence. As always, the vignette is a composite of many clinical cases with all identifying information removed.

Alice

When Alice met Rick, she had not been in a relationship for three years.  Her last relationship ended badly after she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her.  

After that relationship ended, she was in despair because she wanted to get married and have children and, since she was in her mid-30s, she was concerned about her age.

She met Rick on a dating app and she liked that he wanted to meet her after a few texts.  So many of the other men she texted with on these dating sites seemed fearful of meeting in person.

From the moment she met Rick, she felt immediately drawn to him.  She found him very handsome, intelligent, charming and funny.  

After their first date, Alice couldn't stop thinking about Rick.  He texted her everyday and called her several times that first week.  He showered her with so many compliments and gifts that her close friends warned her that she was being love bombed, but Alice ignored them (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed).

After the first week, they were spending 3-4 days together even though they were busy with work and other commitments.  

Alice was so infatuated with Rick that she only wanted to spend time with him instead of spending time with her friends.  Rick also told her that his friends were complaining that he didn't hang out with them anymore, but he said he didn't care--he only wanted to be with her.

Sex was passionate between them. Alice never felt as free sexually as she felt with Rick. He introduced her to sexual role play and kinky sex, which she loved.

During that time, they agreed to be exclusive with each other, so they both got off the dating app.  By then, Alice was obsessed with Rick.  When her close friends suggested that she slow down, Alice ignored them.  

When Alice's old college buddy, Mike, contacted her to say he would be in town and he would love to see her, she told Rick about it.  He became jealous and angry.  Even after she tried to reassure Rick that her friendship with Mike had always been strictly platonic, Rick told her that he didn't want her to see Mike. 

Alice thought Rick's possessiveness and jealousy meant he loved her.  And, since she didn't want to do anything to jeopardize her relationship with Rick, she told Mike she would be out of town and she couldn't see him.  

Once again, Alice's friends warned her she was confusing jealousy and possessiveness for love, but she didn't pay attention to their warnings.

Shortly after that, Alice and Rick were in an Indian restaurant and she was surprised to see how rude Rick was to the waiter.  After the waiter left, Rick mumbled a racial slur under his breath--something Alice had never seen him do before.

Although she didn't like Rick's rudeness and she felt somewhat disheartened, Alice rationalized his behavior away by telling herself that he was tired and he didn't realize how he was behaving. But it continued to bother her.

By then, Rick wasn't texting and calling her as much.  He told her he had to stay at work late and his weekends were taken up by a special project he was working on.  

But Alice's best friend saw Rick holding hands with another woman in a restaurant on a Saturday night when he told Alice he was at work.

Romantic Attractions: The 3 Stages of Limerence

When Alice heard about Rick being with another woman, she was shocked.  She couldn't believe he would lie to her this way.  

She called Rick repeatedly the same day she heard about the other woman, but he didn't return her calls.  A few days later, Rick contacted her in a short text admitting he lied about being busy at work. 

He rationalized it by writing he didn't want to hurt her feelings.  He also told her he was no longer interested in seeing her anymore because he was head-over-heels about this other woman.

After that text, Rick didn't respond to any more of Alice's texts and eventually she realized he blocked her on his phone.

Shortly after her last contact with Rick, Alice began therapy to try to understand why she kept choosing men who hurt her (see my article: Choosing Healthier Relationships).

Conclusion

The vignette about Alice discusses the 3 Stages of Limerence from Infatuation to Deterioration.  

Alice was particularly vulnerable at that time because it had been a long time since she had been in a relationship, her last relationship was so disappointing, she wanted to get married and have children and she was concerned about her age.

During the Infatuation Stage, she was obsessed with thoughts of Rick and couldn't get enough of him. She ignored the red flags that her friends could see clearly, and she also ignored her friends' warnings (see my article: Do Your Friends See "Red Flags" About Your Relationship That You're Not Seeing?).

During the Crystallization Stage, she began to see flaws in Rick, but she remained ambivalent.  Although she saw these flaws, she rationalized them away by making excuses for him.

The Deterioration Stage came abruptly crashing down on Alice after her friend told her that Rick was cheating on her, he admitted cheating by text, told Alice that he only wanted to see this other woman and eventually blocked her from his phone.

Her illusions were crushed and she had no choice but to admit to herself she was making poor choices when it came to the men she dated.  

She also realized she needed help in therapy to deal with this problem. 

In therapy, her therapist could help her to identify the unconscious issues and blind spots related to her early history and help her to make better choices (see my article: Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

Next Article: Can Limerence Turn Into Love?

In the vignette about Alice, her relationship with Rick never developed beyond the limerence.  In the next article, I'll discuss what happens when limerence turns into love.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Romantic Attractions: What is Limerence (Also Known As Infatuation)?

Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D., coined the term "limerence" to describe the early stage of a romantic relationship.  She wrote about her research findings in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Early Experience of Being in Love.

What is Limerence?

Limerence is a state of mind where someone is infatuated or obsessed with the person they desire.  It's often an involuntary state where someone has a strong desire to be with that person.  

Romantic Attractions: Limerence

Limerence usually occurs during the early stage of an attraction.  Generally speaking, limerence often lasts anywhere from a few months and a few years.  There can be individual variation.

Depending upon the individual and the circumstances, limerence can be categorized by either euphoric feelings or feelings of despair.

Limerence is also described as "love at first sight," although there is a difference between love and limerence, which I'll explain in a bit.

Romantic Attractions: Limerence

During the early stage of two people getting to know each other, limerence is often characterized by one or both people craving each other when they're apart. 

They want to spend more time together, be more affectionate and, if they're sexual, have more sex. One or both of them feel like they can't get enough of each other.

How is Limerence Different From Love?

The difference between love and limerence can be confusing because they look similar.

Similarities Between Love and Limerence

Both love and limerence start out with a dopamine rush.  

But limerence is relatively short-lived and conditional.  

Limerence can disappear if the person isn't getting what they want from the other person. 

For instance, if the other person isn't able to spend as much time with them as they want or if the other person doesn't express affection to them in the way they want or as often as they want, limerence can disappear.  

When the person in the limerence state doesn't get their needs gratified, they can feel like a bubble has burst.

Differences Between Love and Limerence

During the limerence phase, a person often idealizes the person they're infatuated with and focuses mostly on the other person's positive qualities and might overlook their problems (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Love is more fluid and less conditional.  Whereas limerence can make a person feel like their head is in the clouds, love is much more grounded.  Instead of being focused on what the other person can give them, they want the other person to be happy.  

Love goes beyond a superficial attraction. There is a deeper connection and an emotional vulnerability as two people get to know each other.  Over time, they experience life together and ride the waves of life's many challenges together.

To summarize the differences: Whereas love is based on rootedness, emotional connection, intimacy and it's reality based, limerence is based on infatuation, idealization, obsession, possession, conditions, jealousy and unrealistic expectations.  

Next Article: The 3 Phases of Limerence

I'll continue to discuss limerence in my next article which will focus on the three phases of limerence: Romantic Attractions: The 3 Phases of Limerence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase: Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy

In Part 1 of the topic, I introduced the subject of romantic and sexual obsessions and the thrill of the chase.  As I discussed in that article, the thrill of these obsessions involves a dopamine high that occurs in anticipation of "catching" the person.

In Part 2 I expanded on this subject by discussing the first fictional vignette about Ed from Part 1 and  how experiential therapy helped.  As a continuation of this topic in this article, I'm focusing on the second fictional vignette about Jane.

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase

Clinical Vignette: Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase:
The following fictional vignette is a continuation of Parts 1 and 2 and will illustrate how experiential therapy can help to resolve these problems:

Jane
In Part 1, I presented a fictional case about someone named Jane, a single woman in her late 30s. Although the vignette is fiction, the problems involved are real and common to many people who have romantic and sexual obsessions.

To Recap:
Jane wasn't interested in men who were interested in her.  The men she was interested in were emotionally unavailable and either only minimally or not interested at all in her. She was obsessed with these men.  She would spend most of her time ruminating about the latest man she was obsessed about.

During a six month relationship, the man she was dating told her from the start that he wanted to see other women.  However, as part of her usual obsessive pattern, Jane refused to accept this and she kept trying to convince him that he should date her exclusively.  She refused to hear him when he told her that he didn't want to be monogamous.

In the end, he stopped seeing Jane because of her constant complaints that he wasn't meeting her emotional needs and her refusal to accept that he wanted a non-monogamous dating relationship with her. 

After numerous experiences like this, Jane's self esteem plummeted.  When she attempted to date men who were interested in her and emotionally available, she wasn't attracted to them.  She didn't feel any chemistry with them--there was no "spark" (see my article: Why Are So-Called "Bad Boys" Irresistible to Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer).

Eventually, she wondered whether she would ever be in a healthy relationship, and she complained to her friends about her romantic experiences (see my article: Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

The Story Continues: Getting Help in Experiential Therapy
After a while, Jane's friends got tired of hearing her ongoing complaints about her relationship problems, and they suggested she seek help in therapy.

During her initial therapy consultation, Jane's therapist recognized that Jane tended to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men who had an avoidant attachment style (see my articles: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships, How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship and Understanding How an Avoidant Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

After hearing Jane's dating history and family background, the therapist explained to Jane that she was confusing the uncertainty and chaos in these relationships with love and passion. She explained that this is a common problem for many people, especially people who have an anxious (insecure) attachment style.

Jane's therapist also helped her to understand the connection between her family history with a father, who was in and out of her life throughout her childhood, with the excitement Jane felt for emotionally unavailable men who had an avoidant attachment style. She explained to Jane that people with an anxious (insecure) attachment style, like Jane's, are often attracted to people with an avoidant attachment style and vice versa.

Working Through Early Trauma in Experiential Therapy
Since her therapist was an experiential therapist, she recommended using EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy) to process Jane's early attachment trauma rooted in her family history (see my articles: EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Transforming From an Insecure to a Secure Attachment Style
Subsequently, Jane's therapist used Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy, also known as AEDP, to help Jane work through her attachment issues so that she could develop secure attachment style (see my articles: What is AEDP? Part 1 and Part 2).

As is typical in AEDP, the transformation in Jane's attachment style from insecure to secure (or better known when it is developed later in life as "earned secure") occurred over time through her relationship with her therapist.

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Jane stuck with it because she could feel herself changing in this experiential, "bottom up" approach to therapy (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Top Down vs a Bottom Up Approach in Therapy).

Over time, as Jane worked through her traumatic family history and developed a secure attachment style, she was no longer attracted to emotionally unavailable men.  She learned to see the "red flags" early on and she didn't waste time trying to convince men with an avoidant attachment style to love her.

Eventually, she met John, who was emotionally available and who wanted to be in a serious relationship.  She was surprised to discover that not only was he interested in pursuing a relationship with her, but she felt physically and emotionally attracted to him.

She realized that she no longer wanted or needed the dopamine high of chasing after unavailable men.  After several months of dating, Jane and John decided to move in together and they started talking about getting married.

As Jane continued in her experiential therapy, she felt much more confident and deserving of being loved (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

When she looked back on her previous relationships with men who were emotionally unavailable, she felt no excitement at all.  Instead, she felt sad that she wasted so much time pursuing these men.  Mourning the time she lost in her life by pursuing these relationships was also a part of her therapy.

Conclusion
As I mentioned in my previous articles on this topic, romantic and sexual obsessions usually get worse over time before they get better.  Since addictive behavior tends to get worse without help, it often takes more of the same addictive dynamic to get the high--even when it's a dopamine high.

To overcome the obsessive and addictive behavior involved with romantic and sexual obsessions, it's important to overcome the underlying issues that are at the root of the problem.

These underlying problems usually have their roots in an early history of trauma, as shown in the above vignette about Jane (see my article: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

Experiential therapies, like EMDR therapy and AEDP, as well as other types of experiential therapy, help clients to get beyond an intellectual insight of their problems.

These experiential therapies have a bottom up approach (as opposed to regular talk therapy, which has a top down approach). They help clients to transform on an emotional level.

An emotional transformation is significant because we now know that transformation occurs on an emotional level and not solely based on intellectual insight.

In addition, experiential therapy helps people to stop equating chaotic and confusion in a relationship with love and passion.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been struggling with unresolved problems on your own, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could work through your problems so that you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I am currently providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: 
Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase - Part 2: Getting Help in Therapy

In Part 1 of this topic, I began a discussion about the psychologically and physically addictive problem of romantic and sexual obsessions.  I also provided two clinical vignettes to illustrate two different but related problems involving these obsessions and the thrill of the chase (see my article: Understanding Sexually Addictive Behavior).

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase

In this article, I'm focusing on the first vignette from Part 1 about the fictional character, Ed, to delve deeper into this subject and show how experiential psychotherapy can help people with romantic or sexual obsessions to overcome their problem (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

In a future article, I'll focus on the second vignette from Part 1 about the fictional character, Jane, where the symptoms are similar but the outer manifestation of the problem is different.

Clinical Vignette: Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase: 
The following fictional vignette is a continuation of Part 1 and it will illustrate how experiential psychotherapy can help:

Ed
In Part 1, I presented a fictional case about someone named Ed, a married man in his mid-40s.  Although the vignette is fiction, the problems involved are real and common to many people who get caught up in romantic and sexual obsessions.

To Recap:
During five years of marriage, Ed had numerous sexual affairs.  Typical for people who become obsessed with the thrill of the chase, Ed got a dopamine high from these obsessions and the anticipation of "catching" the women he was obsessed about.

Even though he loved his wife and he didn't want to jeopardize his marriage, Ed couldn't stop chasing after women--even after one of the women contacted his wife out of anger and sent his wife a videotape, which she secretly recorded without Ed knowing, of one of her sexual encounters with Ed. She also told Ed's wife about his numerous other sexual affairs.

When confronted with the videotape, Ed admitted to his wife that he had been having sexual affairs throughout their marriage. He felt ashamed of his behavior and very sad that he hurt his wife. After he admitted his infidelities, he vowed to his wife and to himself that he would stop chasing other women. Although his wife was hurt by Ed's betrayal, she forgave him when he promised her that he would stop having affairs.

Ed struggled to keep his promise for a short time.  However, he felt himself being dazzled and tantalized by the attractive women he met when he wasn't with his wife, and his struggle turned out to be too much for him to bear. He gave in to his obsessions during a time when he felt bored, and he resumed having secret extramarital affairs with women he met in person as well as on the dating app, Tinder (see my article: Married, Bored and Cheating Online).

The Story Continues:
As time went on, Ed became increasingly obsessed, especially once he began using Tinder to meet women.  Realizing that he could meet hundreds of women online, who were also only interested in hooking up for sex, fueled his obsession.  He rationalized his behavior by telling himself that he was upfront with these women about his marital status so they knew what they were getting into. He also rationalized that he wasn't hurting his wife because he believed he could do a better job of hiding his affairs and what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

What Ed didn't realize was that his addictive behavior was not only driven by seeing attractive women--he was also now responding to the pings he heard from Tinder whenever a woman responded to his request for sex. The sound of the pings were now paired in his mind with sexual conquests, and he was unknowingly also getting a dopamine high just from the sound.

One night while he was out to dinner with his wife with his phone next to him on the table, Ed tried to resist responding to the pings from his phone while he and his wife were talking.  But the urge to look at his Tinder responses became overwhelming and he glanced at his phone several times.

Telling his wife that the pings were emails from work, Ed told her that he had to call his office. Then he went outside to look at his Tinder responses.  Once outside, Ed couldn't wait to look at the responses he received.  As he looked through the responses, he felt giddy with excitement as he saw the sexually provocative pictures from these women.  The dopamine rush he experienced was like electricity going through him, and he had to suppress an urge to laugh from the sheer thrill of it all.

He was especially thrilled that one of the women who had initially resisted his responses was now asking for sexually explicit photos of him which, as usual, he was only too willing to provide.  He could feel the thrill of pressing send to this woman's personal cellphone number as he sent her several nude pictures of himself and he requested that she do the same.

Ed was so caught up in responding to his Tinder requests that he didn't realize how much time had gone by while he was standing outside the restaurant.  It was as if he had fallen down a rabbit hole where he lost awareness of time and place.  By the time he looked up, he was shocked to see his wife, Megan, was standing next to him and looking over his shoulder at his Tinder account.

On the taxi ride home, Ed attempted to apologize to Megan, but she refused to talk to him.  By the time they were back in their apartment, he was desperately trying to make amends with her, but she told him to move out to a hotel until she had time to think about what she would do next.  Then, what she said next shocked him, "At least we don't have children!"(see my article: Your Spouse Cheated on You: Should You Stay or Should You Go).

This remark hurt Ed deeply because he and Megan had been trying to have a baby for the last two years.  They both loved children and it had been their dream to have a baby. Prior to this, they had even talked about going for fertility treatment.  Now, Ed felt his marriage to Megan and any possibility of having children was lost.

During the next few weeks, while he was staying at a nearby hotel, Ed reached out to his wife, but Megan refused to take his calls.  He didn't blame her for being upset.  He knew he hurt her again by continuing to have sexual affairs and breaking his promise to her.  He blamed himself and he wished he could go back in time to undo the pain and anger he caused his wife.

Ed also felt deeply ashamed.  For the first time in his life, he considered whether he was in the grips of addictive behavior.  He felt so upset and overwhelmed that he disabled his Tinder account, he stopped seeing the women he had been having affairs with, and he blocked their numbers on his phone.  He had no appetite for chasing women and the thought of it only made him feel more ashamed and angry with himself.

Several weeks later, Megan agreed to talk to Ed at their apartment.  Ed took this as a hopeful sign, but as soon as he arrived, Megan told him that she decided she wanted a divorce.  Upon hearing this, Ed was shocked and he felt like the floor had dropped out from under his feet.  She told Ed calmly that she was very hurt and she didn't trust him anymore (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships).

She said she knew he loved her and she believed him when he first told her he would stop having affairs.  But, she said, all that changed when she discovered that he was continuing to have affairs and she knew now that his problem was much deeper than she had realized before.  She also told him that she had a consultation with a divorce attorney and she had a one-way ticket to fly home to her family in California in two weeks.

When he heard what Megan had to say, Ed felt like his life was over.  Nothing mattered to him if he couldn't be with Megan.  He told her that he realized he didn't deserve it, but he begged Megan to give him another chance.  He promised to get into individual therapy to overcome his problem and he begged Megan to come with him to couples therapy.

During the next week, Megan continued to refuse to give Ed another chance.  As she said she would, she flew out to California to stay with her parents temporarily.  She and Ed talked on the phone, but she was only willing to talk about practical matters like their apartment in Manhattan where Ed was now living alone.  She refused to attend couples therapy with Ed, but she told him she thought he should get help for himself in individual therapy, "Don't do it for me.  Do it for yourself."

Getting Help in Individual Experiential Therapy:
Not knowing what else to do, Ed sought help in individual therapy.  Although he felt desperate to get Megan back, he knew it was pointless to try to persuade her.  Initially, his motivation for individual therapy was to let Megan know that he started therapy so he could convince her to take him back.  But as he continued to attend his therapy sessions and he learned about himself, his external motivation turned into internal motivation to do it for himself.

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase: Getting Help in Therapy

Over time in therapy, Ed began to understand his obsessive and addictive behavior with women.  He realized that he was obsessed with women from the time he was a teenager.  He never thought much about his behavior and his inability to remain faithful before.

When he was a teenager, he told himself, "Boys will be boys" and he used this rationalization to cheat on his girlfriends.  Then, when he got older and he was married, he rationalized his infidelity by telling himself that he wasn't harming her by having affairs because Megan didn't know about it and it didn't change how much he loved her.  Even after Megan found out and he lost his initial resolve to stop chasing women, he thought all he needed to do was to get better at hiding his affairs.

But now that he was on the brink of losing his marriage, Ed began to make connections between his infidelity and his father's infidelity.  Even though his parents never talked to Ed about his father's numerous extramarital affairs, Ed heard them arguing about it late at night.

Ed felt deeply ambivalent about his father's behavior.  Part of him hated his father for hurting his mother.  But another part of Ed admired his father for being "a ladies' man."  And when, by chance, as a teenager, he saw his father in his car with a beautiful woman, Ed felt a rush throughout his body at the thought of being able to have affairs with multiple beautiful women at the same time.

Working Through Early Trauma in Experiential Therapy
As Ed recounted his family history to his therapist, he realized for the first time that he often felt lonely and lost as a child. As the middle child of three children, he longed for his parents' attention.  But they focused on their older son, who excelled academically and in sports, and they doted on his younger sister, who was spoiled by his parents.  They compared Ed unfavorable to his older brother and he often depressed by his parents' emotional neglect (see my article: What is Emotional Neglect?).

As time went on, Ed could see that his feelings of low self worth were temporarily alleviated by his sexual conquests.  But he realized that after the chase was over with each woman, he no longer felt the initial thrill. He also realized that after a while he needed to have numerous sexual affairs in order to feel that boost to his mood, and he could see the addictive pattern.

His therapist recommended EMDR therapy, also known as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy, to work through the underlying issues that fueled his addictive behavior, including the emotional neglect he experienced as a child (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Prior to EMDR therapy, Ed had always thought, "I love women," but as he delved deeper into his problems, he realized that he also had hostile feelings towards women, especially his mother whom he experienced as cold and emotionally withholding.  He realized over time that with each sexual conquest, he was attempting to prove to himself that he was a lovable person (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

A few months later, as Ed explained to Megan what he learned about himself and how he was working through his sexually addictive behavior.  He revealed to her that he no longer felt a compulsion to see other women.  After she thought about it for a few days, Megan agreed to come back to New York City to attend couples therapy with Ed.  She told him that, although she didn't trust him, she still loved him and she wanted to see if they could salvage their marriage.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples
When Megan returned to New York, she moved back into their Manhattan apartment to live with Ed again and entered into her own individual therapy to deal with the hurt, mistrust and anger she felt.  They also began seeing a couples therapist who used Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, also known as EFT (see my article: How EFT Couples Therapy Can Help Your Relationship).

Putting the Pieces Back Together and Salvaging a Marriage:
Over time, Ed and Megan began to put the pieces of their life together. It took a while for Megan to trust Ed again.  As part of their agreement, she had access to his phone, his texts and all his computer accounts, and Ed remained faithful to Megan (see my article: Broken Promises - Surviving Infidelity).

Conclusion
Romantic and sexual obsessions usually get worse over time due to the physically and psychologically addictive behavior involved.  Since addiction gets worse without help, over time it takes more of the addictive behavior to get the same high--even when the high is fueled by dopamine.

People usually rationalize their addictive behavior, but these rationalizations often fall apart as the consequences to their behavior bring them back to reality. 

To overcome any addictive behavior, beyond stopping, it's important to understand and resolve the underlying issues that fuel the addiction.  These underlying issues often involve psychological trauma (see my article: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

Experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, and EFT, which all take a bottom up (as opposed to a top down) approach, is are much more effective in getting to the root of the problem than regular talk therapy (see my article: What's the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy
Overcoming romantic and sexual obsessions takes a commitment to work through the underlying issues involved in therapy.

Developing intellectual insight, while important, usually isn't enough to help people to overcome addictive behavior.  These problems require experiential therapy that helps people to shift on an emotional level and not just on an intellectual level.

If you're struggling with problems that you have been unable to resolve on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from an experienced psychotherapist so you can free yourself from your addictive patterns to live a happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase - Part 1

Romantic obsessions might be funny or entertaining in movies, but they can be very painful and self destructive in real life.  If your pattern is to chase after people, you know just how painful it can be--and yet, you might have a problem changing your behavior on your own (see my article: The Connection Between Obsessive Love as an Adult and Unmet Childhood Emotional Needs and Understanding Sexually Compulsive Behavior).

Romantic Obsessions: The Thrill of the Chase

When life seems boring and routine, "the thrill of the chase" can seem sexy and exciting.

The real thrill in chasing someone isn't about "catching" them--it's about the pleasure of the dopamine high you get from the anticipation.

The more uncertainty there is, the more exciting it is. This is especially true when someone is pursuing a person who is either not interested or comes across as highly ambivalent (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Woman? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer).

The surge of dopamine can reach euphoric levels, which fuels the obsession and the chase even more.  This behavior can become highly addictive as a person continuously looks for the next dopamine high.

Clinical Vignettes: Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase

The following fictional vignettes illustrate how these dynamics often work for both men and women:

Ed

Even though Ed was happily married and he loved his wife, he couldn't resist flirting with every attractive woman that he met. Throughout his five year marriage, Ed, who was in his mid-40s, had dozens of sexual affairs.  Many of the women knew that he was married, and they didn't care.  Like him, they were only interested in having a casual sexual relationship with him (see my articles: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair and Married, Bored and Cheating Online).

Initially, when he met an attractive woman, he was filled with euphoric feelings in anticipation of having sex with her. If a woman didn't respond to his flirtation at first, he would become obsessed with chasing her. He would try to find ways to be where he knew she would be, talk to her, make her laugh and win her over.

Since Ed was very attractive, more often than not he would succeed in winning women over.  But after having sex with a woman several times, his interest would wane, and he would be on the prowl again looking for the next attractive woman and the next high.  This pattern would continue over and over again.

Eventually, one of the women, who wanted something more from Ed and felt used by him, contacted his wife to tell her about the sexual affair. She sent Ed's wife a video she took (without Ed knowing) that was unmistakable.  She also told his wife about many of the other women Ed had affairs with over the years.  

When his wife confronted him with the video, Ed admitted he had numerous sexual affairs over the years.  He was ashamed and felt remorse for his behavior.  Although his wife was deeply hurt, she forgave Ed when he promised her that he would change.

After that, Ed didn't want to hurt his wife again, and he didn't want her to leave him.  So, for a while, he just barely managed to control his obsession for women.  But after a few months, he felt bored, and even though he knew he was risking his marriage, he couldn't resist pursuing attractive women, and he went back to having affairs (see my article: Coping with Addiction: Boredom as a Relapse Trigger).

Jane

Jane, who was in her late 30s, often complained to her friends that she usually wasn't interested in men who were interested in her.  She realized that she tended to become obsessed with men who were emotionally unavailable and who often weren't interested in her.  Even though this made her feel miserable, she felt she couldn't help herself. The more detached and emotionally aloof men were, the more obsessed she became with them. 

Even though her friends tried to warn her about the men that she was obsessed with, Jane said she couldn't stop herself.  She would chase after these men by calling them, texting them and trying to get them to go out with her.  

Just thinking about one of these men all day long would make her feel high. If she dated a man who showed initial interest in her but who ultimately didn't want to continue to see her, Jane would try to persuade him of all the reasons why he should continue to see her--even when she knew he was dating someone else.  

During her last six month relationship with a man who told her that he wanted an open relationship, she tried to force him into making a an exclusive commitment to her.  No matter how many times he told her that he didn't want to be monogamous, she didn't want to hear it.  In the end, when he broke up with her, he told her that he had been upfront with her about wanting to date other women and he couldn't stand her constant complaints that he wasn't meeting her emotional needs.

After numerous similar experiences, Jane's self esteem continued to plummet.  She tried to date men who were interested in her, but she just wasn't attracted to them.  She began to feel a sense of despair that she would ever be in a reciprocal relationship.

Conclusion

A tendency to pursue romantic or sexual obsessions is high risk, addictive behavior.  Even when there is so much at stake, including the erosion of self esteem or the risk of losing a loving spouse, the dopamine high involved can prove too much for many people to resist.

I'll expand upon this topic in my next article:
Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase - Part 2: Getting Help in Therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with addictive, obsessional behavior in your relationships, you're not alone.

An experienced psychotherapist can help you to overcome self destructive patterns that are ruining your life.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a healthier, more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

Currently, I am providing teletherapy sessions, which are also known as telemental health, online therapy or telehealth sessions (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.