Are You Feeling a Sexual Attraction For a Friend?

In my last article, 5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone, I discussed the advantages of being friends before getting romantically involved.  And, while there are many advantages to forming a friendship first, there can also be complications involved.

Are You Feeling a Sexual Attraction For a Friend?

Sexual Attraction Between Friends

It's not unusual that two friends, who aren't romantically involved, can feel a sexual attraction for each other.  As I mentioned in my previous article, friendships often involve an attraction.

Sexual tension between friends is normal and natural.  Spending time together and sharing similar interests not only strengthens the bonds of friendship--it can also increase the sexual tension between two people.  

In and of itself, sexual tension between friends is neither good nor bad.  What makes it enjoyable or uncomfortable depends on how each of you feels and what you want from one another.

Sometimes other people notice the sexual chemistry between you and your friend before you do.  You might be in denial about it and not even notice it until other people comment on what they've observed.  

There can be many signs they pick up on that you might not notice. They might comment that you seem different or have a certain look with your friend as compared to other friends.  They might notice that you light up when your friend walks into the room or that you and your friend sit close together or touch each other more than usual.  

Sexual Attraction That's Mutual Between You and Your Friend

If you're aware that your friend also feels a sexual attraction for you and might be open to getting romantically involved, you're more likely to feel comfortable with the sexual tension between you.  But if you're not sure and you're worried about jeopardizing your friendship, this can become a source of stress for you.

There can also be extenuating circumstances that make getting romantically involved a problem.  For instance, if you or your friend are in a committed relationship with someone else, you would be wise to pause before getting involved and creating emotional pain for everyone involved.  

Likewise, if you're in a situation where transitioning from friends to a romantic relationship could jeopardize your job or professional relationship, you probably won't want to take the risk.  

That being said, work situations often create the environment for spending a lot of time together and getting close. There are also many people who meet in a work situation and who go on to have a successful relationship without jeopardizing their job.  It depends on your work environment (some companies have specific rules about not getting involved with colleagues and you want to avoid the risk of sexual harassment charges). There is also the issue of whether the two of you can conduct yourself in a professional manner while at work.

Deciding Whether or Not to Reveal Your Sexual Attraction to Your Friend

As previously mentioned, on the one hand, you might enjoy your attraction to your friend without ever doing anything about it.  

On the other hand, your sexual attraction might make you feel uncomfortable and create a painful yearning for something more.  This can be especially painful and triggering if you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs weren't met (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Only you can decide the risks or rewards of whether to broach the topic with your friend.  If neither of you ever brings it up, you could both be depriving yourself of a great romantic relationship that is based on a solid foundation of friendship.  But the risk is that once you reveal your attraction, there can be some awkwardness between the two of you if your friend doesn't feel the same way.

Talking about the sexual attraction can clear the air and help determine if there is a mutual interest and the possibility for getting romantically involved.  

Chances are that your friend has detected the sexual tension too and might not know how to address it.  A lot of confusion and stress can be avoided when there is open and honest communication between you and your friend about what each of you wants--even if it's awkward at first.

What If Your Friend Doesn't Want to Get Romantically Involved?

The potential rewards of revealing a sexual attraction are many if you and your friend both feel the same way.  But what if your friend doesn't feel the same way or feels the attraction but decides s/he doesn't want to get romantically involved?

Many people think this means the end of the friendship, but this isn't necessarily the case.  You and your friend can still spend time together with the understanding that you will remain friends without getting sexually or romantically involved.

If you're the one who would like to become involved and your feelings aren't reciprocated, you'll need to take extra care of yourself:  

• Tune into your own needs and take time each day doing something you enjoy without this friend.  
• Talk to other trusted friends to get their emotional support.
• Spend time writing in a journal to clarify and release your emotions (see my article: Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).
• Try not to spend a lot of time alone with your friend since this would create greater emotional intimacy and a deeper yearning for something more.
• Honor whatever boundaries you and your friend have agreed upon.
• Develop other friendships.
• Date other people.
• Develop other interests that don't involve your friend.

If you continue to have difficulty with being around your friend, you could benefit from seeking professional help.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find yourself in a situation with a friend where your feelings are unrequited, you're not alone.  This is a common occurrence between friends.

If experiencing unrequited feelings brings up earlier unresolved feelings, this can be especially painful, and you could benefit from seeking help from an experienced therapist who can help you to work through your feelings.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase - Part 1

Romantic obsessions might be funny or entertaining in movies, but they can be very painful and self destructive in real life.  If your pattern is to chase after people, you know just how painful it can be--and yet, you might have a problem changing your behavior on your own (see my article: The Connection Between Obsessive Love as an Adult and Unmet Childhood Emotional Needs and Understanding Sexually Compulsive Behavior).

Romantic Obsessions: The Thrill of the Chase

When life seems boring and routine, "the thrill of the chase" can seem sexy and exciting.

The real thrill in chasing someone isn't about "catching" them--it's about the pleasure of the dopamine high you get from the anticipation.

The more uncertainty there is, the more exciting it is. This is especially true when someone is pursuing a person who is either not interested or comes across as highly ambivalent (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Woman? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer).

The surge of dopamine can reach euphoric levels, which fuels the obsession and the chase even more.  This behavior can become highly addictive as a person continuously looks for the next dopamine high.

Clinical Vignettes: Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase

The following fictional vignettes illustrate how these dynamics often work for both men and women:

Ed

Even though Ed was happily married and he loved his wife, he couldn't resist flirting with every attractive woman that he met. Throughout his five year marriage, Ed, who was in his mid-40s, had dozens of sexual affairs.  Many of the women knew that he was married, and they didn't care.  Like him, they were only interested in having a casual sexual relationship with him (see my articles: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair and Married, Bored and Cheating Online).

Initially, when he met an attractive woman, he was filled with euphoric feelings in anticipation of having sex with her. If a woman didn't respond to his flirtation at first, he would become obsessed with chasing her. He would try to find ways to be where he knew she would be, talk to her, make her laugh and win her over.

Since Ed was very attractive, more often than not he would succeed in winning women over.  But after having sex with a woman several times, his interest would wane, and he would be on the prowl again looking for the next attractive woman and the next high.  This pattern would continue over and over again.

Eventually, one of the women, who wanted something more from Ed and felt used by him, contacted his wife to tell her about the sexual affair. She sent Ed's wife a video she took (without Ed knowing) that was unmistakable.  She also told his wife about many of the other women Ed had affairs with over the years.  

When his wife confronted him with the video, Ed admitted he had numerous sexual affairs over the years.  He was ashamed and felt remorse for his behavior.  Although his wife was deeply hurt, she forgave Ed when he promised her that he would change.

After that, Ed didn't want to hurt his wife again, and he didn't want her to leave him.  So, for a while, he just barely managed to control his obsession for women.  But after a few months, he felt bored, and even though he knew he was risking his marriage, he couldn't resist pursuing attractive women, and he went back to having affairs (see my article: Coping with Addiction: Boredom as a Relapse Trigger).

Jane

Jane, who was in her late 30s, often complained to her friends that she usually wasn't interested in men who were interested in her.  She realized that she tended to become obsessed with men who were emotionally unavailable and who often weren't interested in her.  Even though this made her feel miserable, she felt she couldn't help herself. The more detached and emotionally aloof men were, the more obsessed she became with them. 

Even though her friends tried to warn her about the men that she was obsessed with, Jane said she couldn't stop herself.  She would chase after these men by calling them, texting them and trying to get them to go out with her.  

Just thinking about one of these men all day long would make her feel high. If she dated a man who showed initial interest in her but who ultimately didn't want to continue to see her, Jane would try to persuade him of all the reasons why he should continue to see her--even when she knew he was dating someone else.  

During her last six month relationship with a man who told her that he wanted an open relationship, she tried to force him into making a an exclusive commitment to her.  No matter how many times he told her that he didn't want to be monogamous, she didn't want to hear it.  In the end, when he broke up with her, he told her that he had been upfront with her about wanting to date other women and he couldn't stand her constant complaints that he wasn't meeting her emotional needs.

After numerous similar experiences, Jane's self esteem continued to plummet.  She tried to date men who were interested in her, but she just wasn't attracted to them.  She began to feel a sense of despair that she would ever be in a reciprocal relationship.

Conclusion

A tendency to pursue romantic or sexual obsessions is high risk, addictive behavior.  Even when there is so much at stake, including the erosion of self esteem or the risk of losing a loving spouse, the dopamine high involved can prove too much for many people to resist.

I'll expand upon this topic in my next article:
Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase - Part 2: Getting Help in Therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with addictive, obsessional behavior in your relationships, you're not alone.

An experienced psychotherapist can help you to overcome self destructive patterns that are ruining your life.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a healthier, more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

Currently, I am providing teletherapy sessions, which are also known as telemental health, online therapy or telehealth sessions (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Connection Between Obsessive Love as an Adult and Unmet Childhood Emotional Needs

Most relationships start out with heady, romantic feelings and frequent thoughts about the beloved, as well as eager anticipation about seeing each other.  This is a common experience during the initial stage of a relationship when people fall in love.  

Eventually, if all goes well, these heady feelings develop into a more enduring, mature kind of love.  This is a very different experience from the topic of this blog, The Connection Between Obsessive Love as an Adult and Unmet Childhood Emotional Needs, where a person, who experiences painful romantic obsessions, is feeling more than the usual heady feelings.  This person tends to form dependent romantic relationships.

The Connection Between Obsessive Love and Unmet Childhood Emotional Needs

Obsessive Love is also Known Informally as "Love Addiction"
Although there's no formal diagnosis for this condition, obsessive love, also known informally as "love addiction," can be excruciatingly painful.

It's painful enough when the love is reciprocated, but it's even more emotionally painful where there is unrequited love (see my article: Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships: Unrequited Love).

Even when the love is reciprocated, the person who experiences obsessive love puts a heavy burden on  his or her romantic partner.  He or she often has unconscious expectations that his or her partner will fulfill all their longstanding unmet emotional needs.

Obsessive Love Can Affect Both Men and Women

People, who are usually high functioning in most areas of their lives, can regress emotionally to the emotional equivalent of a young child who is starved for love and attention because these core needs, which were unmet in childhood, get triggered in adult romantic relationships.

In many cases, it's as if an emotional chasm, which was sealed off, suddenly opens up and the person feels a bottomless pit of emptiness and an urgent need for love and attention.

The vignette below, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates this phenomenon:

Sally
Sally, who was in her late 20s, came to see me in my psychotherapy private practice shortly after she began seeing John.

In her career, she was well respected as a manager who was hard working, highly competent and confident.  She had many close friends, an active social life, and found meaning in her volunteer work.

The Connection Between Obsessive Love as an Adult and Unmet Early Childhood Needs

Generally, she felt relatively happy, self confident and positive about life.  But all of that changed within a few months of developing romantic feelings for John, the first man that she had really fallen in love with since college.

She couldn't understand how she changed, within a short period of time, from being a cheerful, confident woman into what she described as "a needy, obsessive wretch" who needed constant reassurance from John that he loved her.  And no amount of his reassurance would alleviate her obsessiveness about his feelings towards her.

Aside from her obsessive thoughts about John, the worst part for her was that she was afraid that John, who was very loving and attentive, would get fed up with her need for constant reassurance and he would leave her.

This thought only made her feel worse and she was caught in a vicious cycle of obsession, angst, and regret for asking for his constant reassurance.

She described how she feared that she would never be able to break this cycle and, if she couldn't, she was doomed to be alone because no one would be willing to endure her obsessiveness.

When she described her childhood, it became evident that she was emotionally neglected as a child by parents who weren't around for most of her early childhood.

It was also obvious that, as a resilient and resourceful child, she fended for herself a lot and she did well academically and, later on as an adult, in her career.

But her unmet emotional needs were getting triggered, even though John was a loving and attentive romantic partner.

Sally maintained enough objectivity to see that John wasn't the issue--it was her, and she wanted desperately to stop feeling these obsessive emotions.  She felt like she was losing her mind.

I started by helping Sally develop coping strategies to keep her from acting on her obsessiveness.  I helped Sally to learn basic breathing techniques to help her to calm down when her thoughts and emotions felt like they were going to overtake her.  She practiced these techniques every day and felt some relief.

In addition to coming regularly to weekly therapy sessions, I also encouraged Sally to keep a journal to write down her thoughts, instead of pouring out her fears to John over and over again.  And, as Sally wrote in her journal, she experienced some relief in being able to vent and discharge her emotions in her journal, as well as in therapy, instead of having them all come spilling out with John.

Sally continued to feel very judgmental and self critical about her emotional needs.  These feelings developed as a young child when her mother would tell her to stop being "a cry baby" whenever Sally was left alone, lonely and frightened.

Even though, as an adult, Sally knew, on a rational level, that no child should be left overnight by herself, she found it very difficult to stop judging herself for her emotional needs.

After we worked on coping skills, we began the work on dealing with Sally's unresolved emotional trauma from childhood.

Over time, we used a combination of EMDR, clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy), and Somatic Experiencing, which all take into account the mind-body connection and are often more effective than just talk therapy by itself.

The therapeutic work was not easy or quick, but Sally stuck with it.

At the end of each session, we either did the Safe Place Meditation or we used the time for Sally to debrief about what came up, so that she felt calm enough to leave the session without feeling overwhelmed by the work that we did.

Working Through Unresolved Childhood Trauma in Therapy

By the time Sally terminated therapy, she developed a greater sense of self compassion and understanding for how her early unmet needs were at the core of her obsessiveness in her relationship with John.  And, just as important, she no longer felt obsessed and she was able to enjoy the relationship feeling like an adult.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people, who were emotionally neglected or abused as children, don't understand why they become so obsessed in romantic relationship.  Since they don't have psychological training, it's understandable that they don't make the connection between their unmet childhood needs and their current obsessiveness in their relationship.

If the composite vignette above about Sally resonates with you, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has a mind-body orientation to therapy and who has expertise in working with clients on this issue.

Once you've been able to work through your childhood trauma, you have an opportunity to have more fulfilling relationships as an adult.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I have worked with many clients who have struggled with obsessive love and who were able to work through their emotional issues to live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships: Unrequited Love

One of the most difficult things to do is to let go of an unhealthy relationship where there is unrequited love.  When you're in a relationship with someone that you love, but who doesn't love you, it's emotionally painful and eroding to your sense of self.  The other person might have his or her own reasons for remaining in the relationship with you but, for you, the focus becomes hoping and doing whatever you can to try to get your partner to love you.  

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships:  Unrequited Love

For many people, being part of a relationship where their love is unrequited is an unconscious repetition  of a childhood dynamic with either emotionally absent or narcissistic parents.  The unspoken message from childhood as well as in adult relationships in this dynamic where you love, but the other person doesn't love you, is "You're not good enough."

Achieving clarity about the unhealthy nature of this type of adult relationship is hard because the person who wants to be loved is often completely focused on how to get the other person to love him or her.  Rather than putting him or herself first, this person places the other person's emotional needs first, to his or her own detriment.

A person can become so locked in this dynamic that he or she doesn't see it.  Friends and family often see it before he or she does.

Knowing this, the person whose love is unrequited not only feels the shame of not being loved by the person s/he loves but also feels ashamed that others are making judgments about it, even if loved ones never say anything about it.

When someone, who is involved in a relationship where his or her love isn't returned, comes to therapy to deal with the pain of this dynamic, it's the therapist's job to help this person become aware of the dynamic without being in denial about it.

With awareness comes the ability to make a choice about what to do.  Whether you make a choice to stay or leave, you're no longer a victim because you're consciously making a choice.

An article in yesterday's New York Times, in the Modern Love section, by Hannah Selinger, reminds me of this dynamic (see link below).

Getting Help in Therapy
There are few things sadder than looking back towards the end of your life and regretting that you wasted time with someone who doesn't love you or who doesn't treat you well.  You might realize, at that point, that if you had let go of that relationship earlier, you might have found someone who would have loved you.  But life is short and there aren't any "do overs," so this realization often doesn't help you.

If you're in a relationship where you're the one who is in love, but you know your partner doesn't love you, you know how much this hurts.  If you can get to the point where you can admit to yourself that this has become too painful, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional, someone who can be objective and nonjudgmental about your situation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, you can visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

New York Times: Modern Love - "Friends Without Benefits" - by Hannah Selinger