Understanding the Connection Between Your Personality Type and Your Choice of a Romantic Partner

In her book Why Him? Why Her? Understanding Your Personality Type and Finding the Perfect Match, Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and leading expert on romantic love, writes that there is a strong connection between your personality type and love.  

She posits that your personality influences how you select a romantic partner.

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

Before delving further into this topic, let's define what we mean by the word "personality."

What is Personality?

Personality is made up of your character and your temperament.  

    Character:

Your character is formed based on your experiences, including:

• Your family values and interests
• How your family expressed love and hate
• How your family/community interacted, had fun, relaxed and so on

    Temperament:

Your temperament is made up of biological factors, which you inherit, and develop early on including patterns of how you:

• Think
• Feel
• Behave

            Includes:

•     Curiosity
•     Creativity
•     Novelty seeking
•     Compassion
•     Cautiousness
•     Competitiveness, and so on

According to Dr. Fisher, in recent years scientists who study human behavior have discovered that groups of interacting genes influence behavior and they act together to form behavior syndromes.

Dr. Fisher provides an example of someone who is biologically predisposed to novelty seeking.  Typically, that person would be curious, creative, energetic, spontaneous, and risk taking.

Alternatively, if your personality is more traditional, you would be loyal, cautious, respecting of authority and like to plan and make schedules.

According to Dr. Fisher, the constellation of these biological traits form personality types.

The 4 Personality Types

Dr. Fisher identifies four broad personality types:

• Explorer
• Negotiator
• Builder
• Director

Each of these personality types has unique characteristics and dominant chemistry:

Explorer (Dopamine):

• Energetic
• Curious
• Creative
• Resilient
• Enthusiastic with different interests, including sensation seeking

Negotiator (Estrogen):

• Imaginative
• Compassionate
• Interested in the big picture
• Enjoy large, ambiguous issues and ideas

Builder (Serotonin)

• Trustworthy
• Dependable
• Stable
• Loyal
• Down-to-earth common sense

Director (Testostorone)

• Analytical
• Independent thinker
• Interested in how things work
• A grasp for patterns and sees many sides of complex issues

Most personalities are made up of a combination of all four types with certain types more prevalent than others.  

Dr. Fisher indicates that, although all parts of your personality are important, the two personality types that are the strongest for you are the most important. 

You could be any combination of personality types.  

For instance, based on her personality test, your most dominant feature might be the Negotiator type and the secondary might be Explorer.  Or, you could be a combination of Director/Explorer, and so on.

The Connection Between Personality Type and Romantic Choices

Based on her research, Dr. Fisher indicates that these features, which make up your personality type, are relevant to your choice of a romantic partner.  

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

In this system, there are no bad combinations, but certain combinations work better than others.  

For instance, her personality test indicates that someone who scores high as a Negotiator would do well with someone who is a Director.  However, a Negotiator could do well with a Builder or an Explorer, but there might be certain compromises that would need to be made.

The Impact of Life Experiences

Aside from personality type, significant life experiences also affect how you think, feel and behave.  

So, for instance, early life experiences affect how open or trusting you are with regard to being in a relationship.  

Similarly, if you have had negative experiences with prior relationships, this can also affect how you think, feel and behave, especially with regard to potential partners.  This would include your attachment style (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

Is It Lust or Love?

It's very easy to confuse lust with love (see my article: Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love).

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

When you're in the Limerence Phase of a relationship (also known as the Honeymoon Phase), feelings can be so strong that it's hard to distinguish love and lust.

Most of the time, you need to be patient and see how things unfold to differentiate love and lust.

There are signs you can detect to know the difference (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

Can Lust Turn Into Love?

According to scientists who study lust and love, lust can turn into love, but it doesn't always happen and when it happens, it doesn't always happen for both people.

Dr. Fisher states that romance can be broken down into three categories with the following chemicals:

• Lust:  testosterone and estrogen
• Attraction: dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin
• Attachment: oxytocin, vasopressin

Lust is driven by the a desire for sex.  

Attraction is closely related to lust, but while lust tends to be focused mostly on the exterior, sexual attraction tends to be about the whole person.  You can be attracted to someone you desire sexually and vice versa.  This is part of the reason why the first stage of a relationship can be so exhilarating--and confusing. 

Attachment is involved in relationships with family, friends and lovers.  People in long term relationships can still experience lust and attraction, but the dominant feature in committed relationships is attachment (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love - From Attraction to Commitment).

If you're in a Friends With Benefits (FWB) situation and you realize you're developing feelings that are more than just sexual, you owe it to yourself and your FWB partner to be honest and let them know to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

5 Signs It's Love

• You're attraction includes an emotional connection and, for some people, even a spiritual connection.

• You share the most important parts of your life with your partner.

• You imagine a long term future with them.

• You look forward to or enjoy meeting their family and friends.

• You and your partner are invested in putting the time and effort to making the relationship work.

Conclusion

Your personality type, attachment style and history can affect your choice of a romantic partner.

Distinguishing love from lust, attraction and love can be tricky, but there are signs that can guide you, as discussed above.

Lust can turn into love, but it doesn't always happen and, when it happens, it doesn't always happen for both people involved, so honest communication is important.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: How You Feel About Yourself Can Affect Whether of Not You're Attracted to Your Partner

In my prior article, Relationships: What is Attraction?, I discussed the conscious and unconscious aspects of attraction as it relates to relationships.

In the current article, I'm focusing on how a partner's intolerable feelings of inadequacy can result in the unconscious projection of negative feelings onto the other partner (see my article: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Partner?).

Projections often don't occur until after the early stage of a relationship when the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate and the partner, who uses projection, feels more emotionally vulnerable (see my article: Romantic Attractions: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how an inability to tolerate negative feelings about oneself can lead to the use of projection:

Jack and Carla:

When Jack and Carla first met in college, they were immediately drawn to one another physically, romantically, emotionally and sexually, and they each felt they had never experienced so much love for anyone else.

Projection and Loss of Sexual Attraction in Relationships

They got married a year later with both of them still feeling so in love and lucky to have found each other.  But their problems began a few months after they got married and moved in together.

Although they had a great sex life before they got married, after they got married Jack gradually lost interest in sex and Carla yearned for their former passionate sex life (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships?).

After six months of no sex, Jack blamed Carla for his lack of sexual desire.  He told her that he no longer felt attracted to her because she wore sweatpants in their apartment, and he thought this made her look unattractive.

At first, Carla thought Jack was joking, but she quickly realized he was serious and she was in a state of disbelief.

She knew she didn't look different from how she looked before they got married, but she acquiesced to his wishes and stopped wearing sweatpants. Instead, she made sure she was dressed in a nice top and slacks when she was at home and she wore sexy lingerie at night to be more attractive to him.  

But Jack told her that he still didn't feel attracted to her and he blamed the cellulite on the back of her legs for making her look unattractive.  

Carla felt deeply hurt. She told him that he had never complained about the cellulite before, but Jack brushed off her comment by saying, "I can't help it. That's how I feel."

After a year of no sex, Carla suggested they see a sex therapist to work out their problems.  Initially Jack didn't want to attend sex therapy, but he eventually agreed to go.  He hoped the sex therapist would see things his way. 

After the initial consultation where she met with Carla and Jack together, the sex therapist met with each of them separately to get their individual family, relationship and sexual histories.

Carla's family history revealed that she came from an intact stable family. She was the middle child of three children.  Her parents had a loving relationship, and Carla felt loved by her parents and siblings. The only notable trauma in the family was when Carla's father's business failed and the family suffered from a financial downturn for several months until the father took a job as a chief financial officer in a large corporation.  

Prior to her relationship with Jack, Carla had one other serious relationship while she was in college with her classmate, Bill.  They were together for two years and they mutually agreed to end their relationship in an amicable manner.

With regard to Carla's sexual history, she had a few casual sexual encounters while she was in college and she had no history of sexual trauma.

Jack's family history was tumultuous. He was an only child, and his parents had separated and gotten back together several times during Jack's childhood due to the father's infidelity.  Both parents were highly critical of Jack and he grew up with a lot of shame. In addition, their financial situation tended to be precarious.  

With regard to his relationships prior to Carla, Jack had been in two short term relationships which started out sexually passionate and fizzled out after a few months.  He told the therapist that he tended to get bored with his girlfriends and lose interest.

During his last year of high school and until he began seeing Carla in college, Jack had many brief casual sexual encounters.  He denied any sexual trauma.

During their sex therapy sessions, Jack spoke about how his attraction for Carla waned soon after they got married.  He believed that if it was possible for her to have a medical procedure to remove the cellulite, he would feel attracted to her again.

Objectively, the sex therapist could see that both Jack and Carla were attractive people and she didn't believe cellulite had anything to do with Jack's lack of sexual interest in Carla.  

The sex therapist suspected that Jack was unconsciously projecting his own feelings of low self worth, which originated in childhood, onto Carla. She was also aware that Jack had no awareness of this because he was doing it unconsciously.

As they discussed sexual attraction, the therapist provided Jack and Carla with psychoeducation about the different types of attraction.

She also had individual sessions with Jack and Carla.  During the individual sessions with Jack, she broached the topic of projection as a defense mechanism.  But Jack was adamant that projection had nothing to do with how he felt toward Carla.

During the next several months Jack threatened to stop attending sex therapy whenever the therapist tried to help him to make a connection between how he was treated as a child and how he was treating Carla.  He refused to see the connection.

Gradually, after a couple of years, Jack developed a more trusting therapeutic relationship with the sex therapist so he could open up more to explore his inner world of longstanding disavowed shame.  

Over time, he was able to look at Carla more objectively and see that she was actually a very attractive and desirable woman and that he was, in fact, projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla.  

That's when Jack sought help in individual therapy to work on his unresolved trauma and shame. Over time, he learned to contain and work through his feelings without projecting them onto Carla. 

Carla remained patient, and she also sought help in her own individual therapy to deal with Jack's hurtful criticism about her body.  At one point, she talked to her individual therapist about the possibility of ending the marriage, but when she saw Jack making progress, she decided to stay.

Once Jack acknowledged he was projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla, this allowed the sex therapist to focus on helping the couple to revive their sex life.

Sex Therapy Can Help Couples to Revive Their Sex Life Together

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to help them develop greater emotional land sexual intimacy.  

Conclusion

Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that people who have unresolved childhood trauma often use with their partners.  

The fact that it is unconscious makes it difficult for people to see and acknowledge what they're doing. 

In addition, they often have difficulty trusting the therapist when she points out how they use projection with their partner.

Projection is used as a way of pushing unwanted and disavowed trauma-related feelings onto a partner.

When projections are used, they are often used after the initial limerence phase of the relationship when the couple's emotional and sexual intimacy increases and the partner, who uses projection, feels too emotionally vulnerable in the relationship.

Since vulnerability is essential to developing greater emotional and sexual intimacy in a relationship, the partner who uses projection needs to be willing to develop self awareness, stop using projection, and find other ways to cope and overcome disavowed feelings in order for the relationship to improve (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Couples stop having sex for varied and complex reasons.

Sex therapy, which is a form of talk therapy, can help (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you have unresolved sexual problems, you could benefit from getting help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What is Attraction?

Attraction plays an essential role in all relationships whether they are romantic, platonic or collegial.

What is Attraction?

When you understand why you're attracted (or not) to others, including your spouse or partner, you can gain a deeper understanding into how you form connections and develop relationships.

What is Attraction?

There are conscious and unconscious aspects to attractions.

Usually people think of attraction as meaning only physical attraction.  But that's only one aspect of attraction and, although it's important, it's a superficial aspect.

What is Attraction?

Attraction is complex, so there is no one-size-fits all definition for attraction.  

Attraction can vary over time. In other words, certain experiences can influence your attractions.

For instance, you might meet someone and feel attracted to them, but that initial feeling of attraction can disappear quickly after you speak to them and you see them in a negative light based on your conversation. 

What is Attraction?

Similarly, you might meet someone and you're not attracted to them initially, but once. you get to know them, you might feel drawn to them. Maybe you discover personality traits, common interests or other things that make you feel attracted to them.

What Are the Different Types of Attraction?

As previously mentioned, attraction is a complex combination of conscious and unconscious factors. 

There are many different types of attractions, including but not limited to:

• Physical Attraction: A desire for physical connection but not necessarily sexual or romantic connection

• Sexual Attraction: A desire for intimate, sexual contact but not necessarily any other type of attraction

• Emotional Attraction: A desire for emotional contact but not necessarily sexual or physical contact

• Romantic Attraction: A desire that can include physical, emotional or sexual attraction

• Aesthetic Attraction: An admiration for someone's appearance without necessarily feeling any other type of attraction to that person

How Do Your Feelings About Yourself Contribute to Your Attractions in an Unconscious Way?

The use of projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that forms early in life.

An example of unconsciously projecting your feelings about yourself onto someone else is when you don't feel good about yourself and you project your feelings about yourself onto someone else (see my article: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Spouse?).

Projecting Unconscious Feelings About Yourself onto Your Partner

Using projection as a defense mechanism is common in relationships of all types, especially in long term committed relationships.  

This usually occurs when someone finds their own feelings of shame or inadequacy too difficult to contain so they project these feelings onto their partner.

When this occurs, someone might mistakenly assume that they're no longer attracted to their partner when, in reality, it's about their own intolerable feelings him or herself.

Why is it Important For You to Understand How You Experience Attractions?

Understanding how and why you experience certain attractions is an important part of developing self awareness about how you develop and maintain healthy relationships, including long term relationships (see my article: Relationships Skills: How to Develop Self Awareness).

In addition, if you know your attractions tend to lead to unhealthy relationships, you can develop better self awareness to help you to set healthier boundaries (see my article: Are You Attracted to People Who Hurt You?).

In addition, as previously mentioned, when projection is used as an unconscious defense mechanism to project negative feelings onto a partner, understanding this dynamic is often key to saving an otherwise good relationship.

See My Next Article

Relationships: How Projecting One's Feelings of Inadequacy onto a Partner Can Result in Lack of Attraction.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in the way of your leading a more fulfilling life, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why is a Good Sense of Humor So Attractive?

A good sense of humor is sexually appealing to most people.  It's one of the qualities that's often mentioned in dating profiles as an attractive quality in a potential partner.

A Good Sense of Humor Can Be Very Attractive

This article will explore what makes a good sense of humor, why it's so sexually appealing, and how you can develop a healthy sense of humor to enhance your social skills.

What is a Good Sense of Humor?

First, let's distinguish well-intentioned humor from mean-spirited humor.  

Unfortunately, a lot of humor today is mean spirited.  It's based on getting a laugh at someone else's expense, which is a form of bullying.  

Well-intentioned humor, on the other hand, makes people feel good.  It makes people laugh without hurting their feelings.  

Well-Intentioned Humor Doesn't Hurt Others' Feelings

A good sense of humor is a valued social trait.  Conversely, an undeveloped sense of humor often means undeveloped social skills, and it can put someone at a social disadvantage.

In some cases, having a good sense of humor means entertaining people and making them laugh.  But more often than not it means having the ability to see humor in every day life.  

People with a good sense of humor tend to:

• Be Creative
• Think Outside the Box
• Bring a Different Perspective to Situations
• Have a Lighthearted Attitude
• Be Resilient
• Be Adaptable
• Be Conscientious (they don't try to get a laugh from mean-spirited jokes)
• Cope With Stress Better
• Laugh More and Others Laugh With Them
• Benefit in Terms of Their Health and Mental Health (see my article: The Benefits of Laughter For Health and Mental Health)

What is the Connection Between a Good Sense of Humor and Sexiness?

Flirting, pleasant teasing, playfulness, creativity, self confidence and intelligence are all qualities that most people find sexually appealing:

• Humor and Flirting: Flirting is driven by emotions and instinct rather than logic. Flirting and pleasant teasing often signal sexual interest.  Flirting can be used to gauge someone's sexual interest in you. It can also ease tension between people. In addition, flirting stimulates the nervous system with increased blood flow and the release of adrenaline.  

Flirting and Healthy Teasing

• Humor and Playfulness: Humor and playfulness can create a strong bond between two people.  Being able to laugh together also helps people to feel more comfortable with each other.  Playfulness is also fun and sexy when you're attracted to someone and you sense they're attracted to you.

• Self Humor and Confidence: Being able to laugh at yourself shows self confidence, which is sexually appealing to most people.  

Humor and Self Confidence

• Humor and Intelligence: Intelligence is an important quality for most people when they are seeking a romantic partner.  For many people, especially people who identify themselves as sapiosexual (people who find intelligence to be sexually arousing), intelligence is essential. But for most people intelligence is not as important as a good sense of humor.  According to Psychology Today, people with a good sense of humor are usually intelligent, but intelligent people don't necessarily have a good sense of humor.  

Developing a Good Sense of Humor

If you want to develop a better sense of humor:

• Learn to listen and observe people who have a good sense of humor and who know how to banter.

• Be aware that to be humorous in a well-intentioned way can signal that you're friendly.  It can also be flirty and signal that you're attracted to someone.

• Learn how to respond to other people's humor, especially if you're someone who tends to be easily offended and jump to conclusions by taking things personally.  This doesn't mean that if someone makes a joke that's offensive you need to pretend that it's funny. But before you react, pause and ask yourself if it's likely this person wanted to offend you.  After you take a pause, you can decide how to respond.  If you still find the other person's humor offensive, let them know you don't appreciate it in a tactful way.

• Learn to be funny without being offensive.  Jokes, stories or statements that are racist, homophobic, sexist, ageist, or that are at other people's expense, aren't funny, so avoid them.  Like any other social skill, you'll need to observe others and practice taking a risk by putting yourself out there.

Conclusion

Sexual attraction is influenced by many individual factors, including psychological, cultural, genetic, conscious and unconscious factors.

An undeveloped sense of humor often signals undeveloped social skills. 

A good sense of humor can enhance sexual attractiveness.  People often want to be around someone with a good sense of humor because their humor is fun and it makes them good about themselves.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved emotional problems, you might be struggling socially.  This makes it difficult to meet and socialize with others.

Seek help from a qualified mental health professional so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

In his book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, the sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin discusses a concept he coined the "Erotic Equation," which he defines as attraction plus obstacles equals excitement (see my articles: What is Eroticism? and Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self: Part 1 and Part 2).

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

According to Dr. Morin, for most people sexual desire and arousal are stimulated by the interaction of two forces: An attraction pulls you towards the person you desire, as well as an obstacle that makes the other person compelling, including unavailability or being inappropriate in some way.

Dr. Morin posits that the erotic experience is shaped by this push-pull interaction and the potentially dangerous result (e.g., the possibility of getting hurt by this unavailable and/or inappropriate person).  

He says that people are often most excited by the person they're attracted to when they feel a little off-balance and uncertain, which can bring them to the edge of ecstasy or disaster.  So, the Erotic Equation involves the interaction of impulse and restriction.  

Why Are You Attracted to Certain People?

After talking to hundreds of people, as part of his research, Dr. Morin says there are two main types of attraction: lusty and romantic (see my article:  What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible?).

With regard to lusty attractions, Dr. Morin posits (and I agree) that lust is a part of erotic health.  At the core of a lusty attraction is a desire for sexual excitement and orgasmic release.  It can be profound, meaningless, playful, hostile or loving.  It can also be intensely animalistic and exhilarating as well as frightening or a combination of these qualities.

Like lusty attractions, romantic attractions can also be compelling and fascinating.  However, whereas lusty attractions are about arousal and orgasm, romantic attractions include a need for a mutually passionate bond.  It also has a deeper goal of the emotional joining of two individuals (not just the physical).

How Do Obstacles Affect Sexual Attractions?

According to Dr. Morin, most people have a stronger response to the person they're attracted to if the attraction is made more difficult by the presence of obstacles that must be overcome.

An example of this kind of obstacle is distance, including physical, emotional and geographic distance.

During an initial encounter, two people often unknowingly play with distance with a flirtatious gaze--looking at the other person and then looking away.  The looking away is what creates momentary distance and excitement.

Flirting is often especially intense when romantic or sexual fulfillment isn't possible.  An example Dr. Morin gives is of two people who are attracted to each other at an airport where each of them is about to board a different plane so they're unavailable to each other.

Another example, which is one I've heard many people talk about, is when someone, who is in a committed relationship, gets much more sexual or romantic attention than they ordinarily would when they were single.  

Part of this is that they're relaxed (compared to someone else who is single and seeking a partner).  But another major factor is their unavailability, which often boosts their erotic appeal to their admirer.

Finding the Optimal Distance to Create Attraction and Excitement

According to Dr. Morin, sexual arousal can be thought of as an electric spark.  If the gap between two people is too large, it's too much distance to bridge and the spark gives out.  But if the gap is too narrow, creating the spark isn't possible.  

So, the couple needs to find the optimal distance to keep the spark alive.  This is especially true in a long term relationship (see my article: To Rekindle Passion in a Relationship Fire Needs Air).

In Dr. Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, she gives an example of a woman who tells Dr. Perel that, ordinarily, when she looked at her husband, she thought about him as the man who left his dirty socks on the floor.  But one day, when she was at a conference with him and he was standing at a distance from her, she looked at him with new eyes--she saw how handsome and charming he was while he was talking to other people.  

Clients in my private practice in New York City have told me similar stories: A man, who was standing next to his girlfriend in a grocery store, walked to another aisle to find an item.  When he returned to the aisle where his girlfriend was standing at a distance from him, he noticed her attractiveness and sexiness, and he couldn't wait to get her home to make passionate love to her.

In both cases, there seems to be just the right distance where the people look at their significant others differently from how they were looking at them just a few minutes ago.

The same is often true with long distance relationships (see my article: Can a Long Distance Relationship Survive?).  

Distance can increase the passion between two people when they're able to see each other from time to time.  But if there's too much distance and too much time between visits, the ardor can cool off.

Conclusion

The Erotic Equation, which is a term coined by the sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin, indicates that sexual and romantic excitement is often increased by attraction and obstacles.  

There can be many different types of obstacles, including unavailability as well as physical, emotional, and geographic distance. 

In long term relationships, couples often need to find new ways to keep the romantic and sexual spark alive, which can involve looking at your partner with new eyes. This can be facilitated with the optimal amount of distance (see my articles: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex? and Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

Getting Help in Therapy

Rekindling passion in a long term relationship can be challenging.

If you and your partner have been unable the rekindle the passion you once had, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who has experience helping couples to reignite the passion in their relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Feeling a Sexual Attraction For a Friend?

In my last article, 5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone, I discussed the advantages of being friends before getting romantically involved.  And, while there are many advantages to forming a friendship first, there can also be complications involved.

Are You Feeling a Sexual Attraction For a Friend?

Sexual Attraction Between Friends

It's not unusual that two friends, who aren't romantically involved, can feel a sexual attraction for each other.  As I mentioned in my previous article, friendships often involve an attraction.

Sexual tension between friends is normal and natural.  Spending time together and sharing similar interests not only strengthens the bonds of friendship--it can also increase the sexual tension between two people.  

In and of itself, sexual tension between friends is neither good nor bad.  What makes it enjoyable or uncomfortable depends on how each of you feels and what you want from one another.

Sometimes other people notice the sexual chemistry between you and your friend before you do.  You might be in denial about it and not even notice it until other people comment on what they've observed.  

There can be many signs they pick up on that you might not notice. They might comment that you seem different or have a certain look with your friend as compared to other friends.  They might notice that you light up when your friend walks into the room or that you and your friend sit close together or touch each other more than usual.  

Sexual Attraction That's Mutual Between You and Your Friend

If you're aware that your friend also feels a sexual attraction for you and might be open to getting romantically involved, you're more likely to feel comfortable with the sexual tension between you.  But if you're not sure and you're worried about jeopardizing your friendship, this can become a source of stress for you.

There can also be extenuating circumstances that make getting romantically involved a problem.  For instance, if you or your friend are in a committed relationship with someone else, you would be wise to pause before getting involved and creating emotional pain for everyone involved.  

Likewise, if you're in a situation where transitioning from friends to a romantic relationship could jeopardize your job or professional relationship, you probably won't want to take the risk.  

That being said, work situations often create the environment for spending a lot of time together and getting close. There are also many people who meet in a work situation and who go on to have a successful relationship without jeopardizing their job.  It depends on your work environment (some companies have specific rules about not getting involved with colleagues and you want to avoid the risk of sexual harassment charges). There is also the issue of whether the two of you can conduct yourself in a professional manner while at work.

Deciding Whether or Not to Reveal Your Sexual Attraction to Your Friend

As previously mentioned, on the one hand, you might enjoy your attraction to your friend without ever doing anything about it.  

On the other hand, your sexual attraction might make you feel uncomfortable and create a painful yearning for something more.  This can be especially painful and triggering if you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs weren't met (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Only you can decide the risks or rewards of whether to broach the topic with your friend.  If neither of you ever brings it up, you could both be depriving yourself of a great romantic relationship that is based on a solid foundation of friendship.  But the risk is that once you reveal your attraction, there can be some awkwardness between the two of you if your friend doesn't feel the same way.

Talking about the sexual attraction can clear the air and help determine if there is a mutual interest and the possibility for getting romantically involved.  

Chances are that your friend has detected the sexual tension too and might not know how to address it.  A lot of confusion and stress can be avoided when there is open and honest communication between you and your friend about what each of you wants--even if it's awkward at first.

What If Your Friend Doesn't Want to Get Romantically Involved?

The potential rewards of revealing a sexual attraction are many if you and your friend both feel the same way.  But what if your friend doesn't feel the same way or feels the attraction but decides s/he doesn't want to get romantically involved?

Many people think this means the end of the friendship, but this isn't necessarily the case.  You and your friend can still spend time together with the understanding that you will remain friends without getting sexually or romantically involved.

If you're the one who would like to become involved and your feelings aren't reciprocated, you'll need to take extra care of yourself:  

• Tune into your own needs and take time each day doing something you enjoy without this friend.  
• Talk to other trusted friends to get their emotional support.
• Spend time writing in a journal to clarify and release your emotions (see my article: Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).
• Try not to spend a lot of time alone with your friend since this would create greater emotional intimacy and a deeper yearning for something more.
• Honor whatever boundaries you and your friend have agreed upon.
• Develop other friendships.
• Date other people.
• Develop other interests that don't involve your friend.

If you continue to have difficulty with being around your friend, you could benefit from seeking professional help.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find yourself in a situation with a friend where your feelings are unrequited, you're not alone.  This is a common occurrence between friends.

If experiencing unrequited feelings brings up earlier unresolved feelings, this can be especially painful, and you could benefit from seeking help from an experienced therapist who can help you to work through your feelings.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.