Understanding the Connection Between Your Personality Type and Your Choice of a Romantic Partner

In her book Why Him? Why Her? Understanding Your Personality Type and Finding the Perfect Match, Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and leading expert on romantic love, writes that there is a strong connection between your personality type and love.  

She posits that your personality influences how you select a romantic partner.

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

Before delving further into this topic, let's define what we mean by the word "personality."

What is Personality?

Personality is made up of your character and your temperament.  

    Character:

Your character is formed based on your experiences, including:

• Your family values and interests
• How your family expressed love and hate
• How your family/community interacted, had fun, relaxed and so on

    Temperament:

Your temperament is made up of biological factors, which you inherit, and develop early on including patterns of how you:

• Think
• Feel
• Behave

            Includes:

•     Curiosity
•     Creativity
•     Novelty seeking
•     Compassion
•     Cautiousness
•     Competitiveness, and so on

According to Dr. Fisher, in recent years scientists who study human behavior have discovered that groups of interacting genes influence behavior and they act together to form behavior syndromes.

Dr. Fisher provides an example of someone who is biologically predisposed to novelty seeking.  Typically, that person would be curious, creative, energetic, spontaneous, and risk taking.

Alternatively, if your personality is more traditional, you would be loyal, cautious, respecting of authority and like to plan and make schedules.

According to Dr. Fisher, the constellation of these biological traits form personality types.

The 4 Personality Types

Dr. Fisher identifies four broad personality types:

• Explorer
• Negotiator
• Builder
• Director

Each of these personality types has unique characteristics and dominant chemistry:

Explorer (Dopamine):

• Energetic
• Curious
• Creative
• Resilient
• Enthusiastic with different interests, including sensation seeking

Negotiator (Estrogen):

• Imaginative
• Compassionate
• Interested in the big picture
• Enjoy large, ambiguous issues and ideas

Builder (Serotonin)

• Trustworthy
• Dependable
• Stable
• Loyal
• Down-to-earth common sense

Director (Testostorone)

• Analytical
• Independent thinker
• Interested in how things work
• A grasp for patterns and sees many sides of complex issues

Most personalities are made up of a combination of all four types with certain types more prevalent than others.  

Dr. Fisher indicates that, although all parts of your personality are important, the two personality types that are the strongest for you are the most important. 

You could be any combination of personality types.  

For instance, based on her personality test, your most dominant feature might be the Negotiator type and the secondary might be Explorer.  Or, you could be a combination of Director/Explorer, and so on.

The Connection Between Personality Type and Romantic Choices

Based on her research, Dr. Fisher indicates that these features, which make up your personality type, are relevant to your choice of a romantic partner.  

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

In this system, there are no bad combinations, but certain combinations work better than others.  

For instance, her personality test indicates that someone who scores high as a Negotiator would do well with someone who is a Director.  However, a Negotiator could do well with a Builder or an Explorer, but there might be certain compromises that would need to be made.

The Impact of Life Experiences

Aside from personality type, significant life experiences also affect how you think, feel and behave.  

So, for instance, early life experiences affect how open or trusting you are with regard to being in a relationship.  

Similarly, if you have had negative experiences with prior relationships, this can also affect how you think, feel and behave, especially with regard to potential partners.  This would include your attachment style (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

Is It Lust or Love?

It's very easy to confuse lust with love (see my article: Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love).

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

When you're in the Limerence Phase of a relationship (also known as the Honeymoon Phase), feelings can be so strong that it's hard to distinguish love and lust.

Most of the time, you need to be patient and see how things unfold to differentiate love and lust.

There are signs you can detect to know the difference (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

Can Lust Turn Into Love?

According to scientists who study lust and love, lust can turn into love, but it doesn't always happen and when it happens, it doesn't always happen for both people.

Dr. Fisher states that romance can be broken down into three categories with the following chemicals:

• Lust:  testosterone and estrogen
• Attraction: dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin
• Attachment: oxytocin, vasopressin

Lust is driven by the a desire for sex.  

Attraction is closely related to lust, but while lust tends to be focused mostly on the exterior, sexual attraction tends to be about the whole person.  You can be attracted to someone you desire sexually and vice versa.  This is part of the reason why the first stage of a relationship can be so exhilarating--and confusing. 

Attachment is involved in relationships with family, friends and lovers.  People in long term relationships can still experience lust and attraction, but the dominant feature in committed relationships is attachment (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love - From Attraction to Commitment).

If you're in a Friends With Benefits (FWB) situation and you realize you're developing feelings that are more than just sexual, you owe it to yourself and your FWB partner to be honest and let them know to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

5 Signs It's Love

• You're attraction includes an emotional connection and, for some people, even a spiritual connection.

• You share the most important parts of your life with your partner.

• You imagine a long term future with them.

• You look forward to or enjoy meeting their family and friends.

• You and your partner are invested in putting the time and effort to making the relationship work.

Conclusion

Your personality type, attachment style and history can affect your choice of a romantic partner.

Distinguishing love from lust, attraction and love can be tricky, but there are signs that can guide you, as discussed above.

Lust can turn into love, but it doesn't always happen and, when it happens, it doesn't always happen for both people involved, so honest communication is important.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What's the Difference Between Sexual and Emotional Intimacy?

Many people use the words "intimacy" and "sex" interchangeably. They talk about being intimate when what they really mean is being sexual. But even though there's often a connection between being emotionally intimate and being sexual, these two expressions aren't synonymous, so the purpose of this article is to understand these terms better and understand how differing needs can create problems (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

What's the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?

What is Emotional Intimacy in a Committed Relationship?

Emotional intimacy in a committed relationship occurs when two people can be open, emotionally vulnerable, and experience an emotional connection with one another.  

In addition to sharing their hopes and dreams, two people in an emotionally intimate relationship also share their more vulnerable side--their fears, failures, embarrassing moments, and traumatic experiences.  

To be able to share themselves in this vulnerable way, there must be a high level of trust that these vulnerabilities won't be used against them in an argument or shared inappropriately with others.  

Emotional intimacy doesn't happen overnight.  It develops over time in a committed relationship.  It's a process.  As two people in a relationship get to know one another, they learn to take emotional risks with each other as love and trust develop.  

What's the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?

For two people, who have access to their emotions, sex often provides a way to connect on a physical as well as a deep emotional level.  However, for people who are mostly cut off from their emotions, sex is primarily a physical act and lacks depth and emotional connection.

This is, of course, a generalization and there are gradations of experience.  But for the purpose of distinguishing sex and intimacy, it's obvious that sex and intimacy aren't the same thing.  

For people who are primarily cut off from their emotions, sex in a relationship can be primarily about lust or it can be a way to relieve stress, anxiety, loneliness or other uncomfortable experiences (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

Sex can provide a temporary respite from emotional discomfort, but that comfort doesn't last. But when sex is combined with emotional intimacy, two people often experience a deep, loving connection.

This doesn't mean that a loving couple always wants this level of emotional intensity.  There can be times when sex can be more playful or flirtatious or focused on lust.

Intimacy Doesn't Always Involve Sex

Although the combination of sex and emotional intimacy can be powerful, there are many ways to be emotionally intimate that don't always involve sex: Cuddling in front of a fireplace, kissing, sharing deeply personal experiences, and so on, can also be emotionally intimate.

Differences in Comfort With Intimacy

Two people in a relationship can differ in terms of how comfortable each of them feels with various levels of intimacy.  One partner might want deeper and more frequent experiences of emotional intimacy while the other partner might not want such a deep, intimate committed connection (see my articles: Emotional Pursuers and Emotional Distancers).

Over time, this is something that will have to be negotiated between the two people if they are to remain together.

Sex as a Prerequisite for Intimacy vs Intimacy as a Prerequisite for Sex

Whereas some people feel sex is a prerequisite for emotional intimacy, other people need to feel an intimate emotional connection first before they become sexual with their partners.  

There is no right or wrong way involved with either of these needs.  What's important is that each person understand their own wants and needs as well as the wants and needs of their partner, and they work together to satisfy each of their needs.

Problems With Sex or Intimacy in a Relationship

Since two people can have very different ways of connecting sexually and emotionally, misunderstandings often develop.

For example, as mentioned above, if one person needs sex to feel emotionally intimate and the other person needs emotional intimacy to have sex, a couple can get stuck in ongoing conflicts about these issues.

Similarly, conflict can develop if one partner tends to withdraw emotionally when the other partner pursues a deeper emotional connection.

Getting Help in Therapy

The issues mentioned in this article are common problems.

If you and your partner are having problems, you can work through these problems with the help of an experienced psychotherapist (see my article: Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT): Are You Reaching For Each Other or Turning Away?).

With the right help, you and your partner can have a more loving and fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love

In a previous article, Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love, I began a discussion about the difference between lust and love because so many people confuse the two.  In this article, I'll be discussing why intense sexual chemistry by itself isn't enough for a long term relationship and the signs that your relationship might be based on lust and not love.

Sexual Chemistry and Dopamine Highs During the Initial Stage of Dating

During the initial stage of dating when sexual chemistry and dopamine levels are soaring, it's easy to confuse lust and love.  This is especially true when one or both people really want to be in a long term relationship. The strong need for love and commitment can delude someone into believing that there's more to the relationship than there really is.

7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love

In the age of dating apps it's never been easier to confuse love and lust.  Many of these apps, especially the hook up apps, are set up for people to choose potential dates based on sexual attraction alone (see my article: Dating vs Being in a Relationship).

Although physical attraction and sexual chemistry are an important part of any new relationship, when that's all there is, it's not going to result in a lasting relationship.  More than likely, it will result in a relationship that lasts as long as there is intense sexual chemistry.  Once that's gone, the relationship often fizzles out.

You Want a Committed Relationship But Your Partner Wants Friends With Benefits (FWB)

If it's understood by both people that your relationship is about hooking up and Friends With Benefits (FWB) and not about being in a long term relationship, there's nothing wrong with that.  

But it's often the case that one person in the relationship wants more of a long term commitment and the other doesn't.  She or he might be willing to wait a while hoping that a deeper relationship will develop from a mostly sexual relationship, but when it doesn't, that's when arguments and resentment begin.

The person who wants a "forever relationship" usually begins complaining that, while sex might be great, the other person isn't meeting their emotional needs.  And the person who only wants a sexual relationship often cuts out at that point because s/he really can't meet the other person's emotional needs and the demands become too burdensome for him or her.

7 Signs That Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not on Love

As painful as it might be, it's important to recognize and accept a relationship dynamic for what it is and not for what you want it to be.  If you're constantly trying to get a deeper commitment from a partner, over time this is going to erode your self esteem and, if you're already lacking self confidence, you're going to feel even more insecure.

7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love:

• 1. You Only Think and Talk About Sex With Your Partner: While it's important in any relationship to be able to talk about sex and what turns you on, if that's the only thing the two of you talk about, your relationship is probably not developing into something more substantial.  Talking about sex is fun, exciting and a turn on, but if you want a long term relationship, the two of you need to form a deeper connection, if that's possible, by talking about things that are meaningful to you.  If both of you want a deeper relationship, you need to find a way to build more emotional intimacy into your relationship and not just sexual intimacy.  If not, the relationship remains shallow and probably won't last long.

• 2. You're Only Happy When You're Having Sex With Your Partner: If you're not happy with your partner outside the bedroom, it's often a sign that there's not much else going on in your relationship and your emotional needs aren't being met. You might not have shared interests, hobbies or like the same things.  Without more substantial interests and mutual friends, your relationship is going to remain shallow, and if you want a long term relationship, it's going to be a disappointing experience. 

• 3. You Always Stay Home With Your Partner: Instead of going out on dates and having new experiences outside the bedroom, the two of you stay home all or most of the time.  If one or both of you want a deeper, more committed relationship, the two of you need to be more than just a booty call for each other.  Going out and having new experiences helps to deepen your connection and give depth to your relationship.

• 4. You Only Spend Time Together Late at Night: If you're only getting together late at night, more than likely you're in a booty call situation.  Unless there are extenuating circumstances, like you or your partner work unusual hours, only spending late night hours together isn't the basis for a long term relationship.

• 5. You're Not Emotionally Vulnerable With Each Other: To develop a deeper, more emotionally intimate relationship, you need more than just sexual intimacy--you need emotional intimacy.  Opening up with each other emotionally is one way to develop emotional intimacy.  This assumes that both you and your partner have the desire and maturity to do this, and you trust each other enough to be vulnerable (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy).

• 6. You Only Make Up After Arguments By Having Sex: While "make up sex" is hot and fun, part of developing an emotionally intimate relationship is that arguments and differences are talked about and worked through.  If the two of you only make up by having sex, nothing gets worked through and, as a result, you're going to keep having the same problems and the same arguments over and over again.  To build a deeper connection, the two of you need to be able to talk through your differences and come to a resolution.  

• 7. You Don't Trust Your Partner: Trust is the cornerstone of any committed relationship. While you might not have a commitment to be exclusive with one another when you first start dating, if you're several months or more into the relationship and you can't trust your partner to be monogamous, you're lacking a basic ingredient in your relationship--trust.  Wishing and hoping that your partner will one day be monogamous with you isn't the basis for a long term relationship because no amount of wishing can make it happen.  While it's true that some people change and can make more of a commitment, you have to be honest with yourself about the current status of your relationship. If you think you're with a player and you're constantly checking your partner's phone or looking to see if s/he is still on a dating app to hook up with other people, you're not going to feel good about yourself or the relationship (see my article: Relationships: Oxytocin, Trust and Empathy).

Know What You Want, Be Willing to Say It, and See Your Relationship Clearly For What It Is

Denial can be very powerful, and it's easy to delude yourself when you have a strong wish that clouds your vision as to the true nature of your relationship. 

If you want a casual sexual relationship, it can be a very enjoyable experience for as long as it lasts, and there's nothing wrong with that--as long as you and your partner are on the same page about it.  But if what the two of you want is different, it's important to acknowledge and come to terms with it or end the relationship.

If you've just gotten out of a long term relationship or you're in the initial getting-to-know-you stage of dating someone, you might not know what you want or what you want from the particular person you're dating. But if you're clear about what you want, it's better not to waste time trying to make the relationship into what you want when it's not happening.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're confused about what you want or you have a pattern of getting into dysfunctional relationships, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled therapist can help you to understand and change self destructive patterns.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction with Love

Confusing Sexual Attraction with Love
During the early stage of a romantic relationship, many people confuse sexual attraction for being in love. Sexual attraction can be so strong during the initial part of a dating relationship that you can get swept away by the power of these feelings and believe yourself to be in love. This is certainly not to say that you can't be both sexually attracted and also genuinely love someone. But the point is that, whereas sexual attraction can occur in a second, mature love develops over time.

Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love

Starting a Relationship Based Only on Sexual Attraction

Often, people start a relationship based on the heady feelings of sexual attraction--believing that they love each other.

This isn't a solid foundation for a relationship. When the sexual passion begins to wear off a little, these people often find they either have little in common or that their feelings aren't strong enough to sustain the inevitable ups and downs of a mature relationship.

Learning to Distinguish Between Love and Lust

It takes time to get to know one another. I often tell individual clients and couples that it can take at least two years of dating to get to know each other well enough to know if you're compatible enough to be in a relationship.

It's right around that time that the initial heady, sexual attraction decreases somewhat (as compared to the initial passion). So, being aware of this, it makes sense to take your time to get to know one another.  Over time, you learn to distinguish what might only be lust from love.

This helps you to avoid making life plans with someone you don't really love and the disappointment you might feel when the sexual attraction begins to wane.

Sexual attractions can be fun. Often, love can develop from these sexual attractions. We can't always know in advance when this will occur.

There are also many couples who develop deep feelings of mature love who also maintain the passion in their relationships. This is a wonderful thing! Many other couples need to make more of an effort to maintain that sexual passion, but that's a subject for another blog post.

Be Aware, Be Patient, Allow Things to Unfold and Develop 

The point is that, early on, we want to be aware that strong feelings for someone at the beginning are not the basis for a committed relationship. Be patient and allow things to develop and unfold before making a commitment. In the long run, you'll be glad that you took your time.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.