How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

What is Autopilot Mode?

Autopilot is also known clinically as "cognitive disengagement."

Living on autopilot happens when you live your life based on routines, habits and external expectations instead of making conscious and intentional choices.

Getting stuck in autopilot is a common problem (see my article: How to Get Out of a Rut).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

Many people just go through life disengaged and without joy--just going through the motions.

To stop living your life on autopilot, you can start by making small intentional changes to break repetitive pattens so you can re-engage with your life.

What Are Signs That You're Stuck in Autopilot?

• You follow the same routines every day without awareness or conscious choice.

• You lose touch with what you used to enjoy because you're just trying to "get through the day"

• You numb yourself with distractions including social media, TV and busywork.

Examples of Living on Autopilot

• Maria: Maria lived her life based on a set routine: Wake up, make coffee, cook, clean, take care of the kids. The next day she would repeat the same routines. Weekends were basically the same. She did this day after day for 10 years before she realized she had a vague sense of dissatisfaction with her life, but she didn't know why.  She began experiencing vague aches and pains so she saw her doctor who ruled out any physical problems. He recommended that she seek help in therapy. Shortly after she began therapy, Maria realized she was living her life on autopilot and she was deeply unhappy with her routines and habits, so she worked with her therapist to break free of her routines so she could live more consciously.

• Steve: Steve felt he had a great job, but in the last few years he was stagnating in his career. He realized he was intentionally avoiding taking on new projects and challenges out of fear of stepping outside his comfort zone.  He also realized that his marriage was stagnating because he and his wife had drifted into set routines where they would spend the evening either zoning out in front of the TV or on their phones. As he became more self aware, he also realized his wife was drinking a lot, but he couldn't pinpoint when this began because they were both living their lives on autopilot. So, they each sought help in individual therapy as well as couples therapy so they could break free of their routines and develop new interests separately and apart. After a while, his wife realized she was drinking out of a sense of boredom and she stopped.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Interrupt the Pattern: Put down your phone and try something new. Start small with one particular habit and branch out from there. For instance, if you always eat cornflakes for breakfast, try something new. Be present and in the moment while eating or doing other tasks (see my article: Breaking Habits With Pattern Interruptions).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Approach Routines With Mindfulness: Instead of zoning out while you're doing the dishes or doing other routine tasks, slow down and engage your five senses--sight, sound, smell, touch and, if applicable, taste. When you become more aware, routine tasks become a lot less routine (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).

• Think About What You Really Want to Do: Instead of focusing on what you think you should do or what's expected of you, ask yourself what you want to do. Try journaling to self reflect and see what comes up.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Get Curious: Autopilot keeps you zoned out. So, getting curious about something you're interested in helps to counteract autopilot tendencies. Maybe you've always been curious about Impressionist painters, learning a new language or doing improv. Allow yourself to be open to new experiences--even if it feels a little scary at first (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Seek Novelty: Instead of relying on old habits and routines, be aware that autopilot thrives on habit and sameness. So, try something new. Join a book club or join a new discussion group to allow yourself to get motivated and inspired.

Get Help in Therapy

Living on autopilot might have felt safe at some point in your life. Maybe you felt comforted by routines and habits because you didn't have to think or feel. 

Getting Help in Therapy

But if you feel you're stagnating in life and you're unable to break free on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has helped clients to overcome this problem.

There might also be deeper reasons why you're stuck in autopilot including unresolved trauma.

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to live your life with intention and purpose which will make your life more meaningful.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Everyone feels lonely sometimes.  It's not unusual.  There are different kinds of experiences of feeling lonely.  

Usually we associate feeling lonely with being alone. But it's not unusual to feel lonely from time to time while you're in a relationship.  You and your partner or spouse aren't always going to feel emotionally attuned.  

But when you feel lonely most of the time while you're with your partner, this is a different kind of loneliness and can be indicative of problems in the relationship (see my article:  What's the Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness?).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

There are many reasons why you could be feeling lonely or emotionally estranged from your partner.  Assuming that you and your partner spend time together and that you're not away from each other for significant periods, it's important to determine what's causing you to feel lonely and if your partner is feeling the same way.

Are one or both of you withdrawing emotionally when you're together so that you're in the same room but you're not connecting with each other on an emotional level?  Are you bored?  Has your sex life waned?  Have you grown apart?

The following vignette is a fictionalized composite that illustrates a particular cause of loneliness in a relationship:

Alice and Peter:

Alice and Peter were married for 15 years.  They had two sons, who were 11 and 12.  They both had successful careers.  When they first got married, they had a very passionate relationship.  But in the last few years, they focused most of their free time on their sons' various activities, including sports events.  Their once passionate sex life had waned to nearly nothing (see my article: Reviving Your Sex Life).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

After their children went away to sleep away camp for the first time, they found themselves together and alone for the first time in a long time.  Before their sons left, they each thought they would enjoy having time to themselves for a change.

But after their sons were gone, they both felt awkward around each other and somewhat at a loss as to how to spend their time together.  Both of them felt too uncomfortable talking about it, so they each dealt with the awkwardness and loneliness they felt on their own.  They each found individual projects to work on in their spare time, and they tried to avoid the emotional awkwardness by spending their time apart.

As the weeks passed, they each felt more emotionally estranged from each other.  Finally, when it became too uncomfortable for her, Alice broached the topic with Peter, feeling embarrassed and shy, but  deciding that it was better to talk about it than to keep sweeping it under the rug.

So, over breakfast, before they went off to their separate projects, Alice told Peter that she was feeling lonely.  There was an awkward silence, which increased Alice's embarrassment and feelings of awkwardness.  Then, Peter looked away and said he was feeling the same way.

They talked about how they never realized, while the children were around, that they had lost sight of their relationship.

They acknowledged to each other that they still loved one another, but their sex life had waned to nothing.  This was a difficult conversation to have, but it was a relief for both of them to stop avoiding each other and the so-called "elephant in the room" of the loneliness that they each felt around each other.

Peter and Alice realized that they needed to get to know each other again.  They loved their sons very much, but they realized that they needed to spend more quality time with each to rekindle their relationship.

But they didn't know how after all this time, so they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In marriage counseling, they learned to re-engage in the activities that they used to enjoy--going out dancing, going to the theatre, and reading aloud to each other.

To rekindle their sex life, they rediscovered how to be sensual with each other and, eventually, becoming sexually intimate again after years of not being sexual at all.  When their sons returned, they made sure to continue to find time for each other by going out on a "date" at least 3-4 times per month to maintain the emotional and sexual intimacy they discovered with each other while their sons were away.

Loneliness and Estrangement Can Develop Over Time in a Relationship
The scenario above is only one example of how loneliness and emotional estrangement can develop in a relationship over time without the couple even realizing it.

There are many other examples, too many to discuss in one blog post.  

One common complaint I hear from couples in my New York City private practice is that one or both people are continually preoccupied with their cellphone.  This could be a topic unto itself.  Another common complaint is that one or both people have outgrown each other.

Getting Help in Therapy
The main point of this blog post is that if you're feeling lonely in your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your partner to communicate this before it's too late.

You're not alone.  There are many individuals and couples that experience this problem.

If you're unable to work on it on your own by rekindling your relationship, you can seek the help of a licensed mental health professional who  specializes in working with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences - Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, I described how recalling your peak erotic experiences can help individuals and couples revive their sex life, based on the work of sex therapist, Dr. Jack Morin.  According to Dr. Morin, learning about yourself from your peak erotic experiences can help enhance your sex life (see my articles: Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Boredom in Long Term Relationships and Changing Your Sex Script).

Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences

As I mentioned in my prior article, Dr. Morin's work is based on Dr. Abraham Maslow's concepts of peak performance and self actualizers.

In this article, I'm providing the clinical vignette (below) to illustrate some of the concepts in Dr. Morin's book, The Erotic Mind.

Clinical Vignette: The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the benefits of focusing on peak sexual experiences:

Bob

Bob, who was in his mid-50s, sought help in therapy because he was concerned that he and his wife weren't having sex.  Over the years, sex dwindled down to a few times a year.  He also indicated that when they were sexual, it wasn't enjoyable for either of them.  Since his wife told him that she felt too uncomfortable to participate in couples therapy, he sought help for himself in individual psychotherapy.

According to Bob, when they got married 25 years ago, they could hardly keep their hands off each other and they enjoyed a passionate sex life.  Then, they had children and their sex life waned.  He had hoped that, once their children were on their own, he and his wife could revive their sex life, but their attempts were disappointing. After medical problems were ruled out, their doctor recommended therapy.  

When asked, Bob said he still felt sexually aroused when he saw an attractive woman and he was tempted a few times to have affairs when he was away at business conferences, but he really didn't want to cheat on his wife.  

Rather than approaching the issue as a problem, his therapist encouraged Bob to think back to peak sexual experiences with his wife from the past when they were both turned on.  Unaccustomed to thinking in this way, at first, Bob had problems remembering any sexual experiences that stood out for him, so he agreed to think about it during the week between therapy sessions.

When Bob returned to see his psychotherapist the following week, he seemed more engaged and enthusiastic than he had the week before.  He said he recalled a memory from 10 years ago: He and his wife were in their pool late at night when they began to spontaneously flirt with each other, which led to sex play and one of their most unexpected passionate sexual experiences they ever had together.

When his therapist asked him what made that sexual experience so exciting, Bob said he thought it was a combination of both of them being relaxed, the spontaneity and novelty of the situation, and the excitement over the possibility of being seen by their neighbors, although he said this wasn't likely.  He said they had never done that before and they both found it thrilling.  He also wondered aloud why they had never done it again.

After Bob recalled that memory, he also recalled other peak sexual experiences with his wife that involved being relaxed, playful and open to novelty.  Although he was excited to recall these memories, he was hesitant to bring them up to his wife because he feared she would laugh at him and then he would feel ashamed (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Over time, Bob and his therapist worked on his shame, including a family history where sex was taboo, before Bob felt ready to talk to his wife about taking steps to revive their sex life.

He told his therapist that, at first, as usual, his wife got anxious when he brought up the topic of their nearly nonexistent sex life. But when he told her about his memories about when sex was exciting for them, she relaxed and became more enthusiastic.  

In fact, he said, just talking about those peak sexual experiences got them both turned on and they had passionate sex that night. Afterwards, when they were cuddling, they both agreed that they hadn't had such passionate sex in a long time and they both wanted to continue to revive their sex life.

Over time, Bob and his wife became increasingly more open and vulnerable to exploring their sexuality together, and their sex life flourished (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy).

Getting Help in Therapy

There can be many reasons why an individual's or couple's sex life can wane.  

Once medical issues have been ruled out, working with a skilled psychotherapist can be helpful to overcoming the obstacles to a more fulfilling sex life and relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health practitioner.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What is Rec-Relational Sex?

In his book, Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, Dr. Ian Kerner, couples/sex therapist in New York City discusses the three general categories of sex:

• Procreative
• Relational
• Recreational 

• Procreative Sex: Just like it sounds, when couples are focused on procreative sex, they're trying to get pregnant.  

• Relational Sex: Couples who engage in relational sex are focused on intimacy, affection and emotional closeness.

• Recreational Sex: The focus in recreational sex is fun, pleasure, adventure and play.

What is Rec-Relational Sex?

According to Dr. Kerner, many couples in committed relationships have either lost the recreational aspect of sex or they never had it from the start (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

What is Rec-Relational Sex?

He indicates that for these couples, if they're having fun with sex at all, it's often when they're on their own when they're masturbating alone (also known as solo pleasure) with sex toys or porn.  

Alternatively, they might be having recreational sex as part of an affair because they crave the newness or novelty of these experiences.

Rec-relational sex, according to Dr. Kerner, is a combination of relational and recreational sex within a committed relationship.  

In rec-relational sex, couples finds ways to add novelty and excitement to their sex scripts (see my articles: Understanding Your Sex Script and Changing Your Sex Script).

One of the ways this can be done is by cultivating psychological sexual arousal, also known as psychogenic arousal (see my articles:  Enhancing Sexual Desire With Psychological Sexual Stimulation).

One of the challenges that many couples face in long term committed relationships is coming up with sexual activities that allow them to be erotic and sexually adventurous.  Often, one or both partners fear talking about their sexual fantasies because they think they will be rejected by their partner (see my articles: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Clinical Vignette: Rec-Recreational Sex

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases without any identifying information, illustrates how a couple can develop a more satisfying sex life with the help of a couples therapist:

Tina and Bob

Tina and Bob agreed in their first session of couples therapy that, after 25 years of marriage, they were both bored with their sex life, but they didn't know what to do to spice it up.

During the history taking part of the couples therapy assessment, they told their couples therapist that their sex life was exciting and fun when they first met and during the first two years of marriage.  

But after they had children, everything changed.  They were often too tired to have sex and when they did have sex, it felt routine--like they were just going through the motions.  Now that their children were grown and out of the house, they knew they had an opportunity to improve their sex life, but they didn't know how to do it.

After Tina discovered flirty texts between Bob and a female colleague, she became concerned.  Eventually, Bob admitted to her that he had a brief extramarital affair with this colleague, but he broke it off long before Tina discovered the email.  He said he loved Tina and he was generally happy in their relationship.  He regretted having the affair and the hurt it caused Tina.  He knew he jeopardized his marriage.

Over the next few months, Tina expressed how betrayed she felt that Bob had the affair, and Bob listened.  He knew he needed to listen and really take in Tina's sadness and anger if they were going to repair their relationship (see my articles: Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?).

Both Tina and Bob wanted to salvage their marriage, and Tina wanted to know what was at the root of Bob's infidelity.  At first, he wasn't sure, but as they continued to explore this in couples therapy, he realized that he no longer felt sexually desirable to Tina and he wanted to feel desirable again.  He said he wasn't trying to justify the affair, but if he was honest, this is what he was feeling (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

Once Tina and Bob had made progress in repairing the emotional damage of the affair, their couples therapist asked them to talk about their usual sex script, and they admitted that it was almost always the same:  Bob would ask Tina if she wanted to have sex and, if she did, after a few minutes of foreplay, they would have sexual intercourse.  

With regard to their sex script, Tina admitted, reluctantly, there were times when she felt so bored that she couldn't wait for sex to be over so she could go to sleep.  She said she almost never had an orgasm, although she sometimes faked it so Bob wouldn't feel hurt (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

Bob also said he wasn't satisfied with their usual sex routine, but he was afraid to tell Tina what he really wanted sexually because he feared she would laugh at him.

Initially, Tina and Bob were hesitant to talk about their sexual fantasies as part of a discussion in couples therapy about psychological sexual arousal (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Their couples therapist explained the meaning of rec-relational sex and she encouraged each of them to take risks in terms of sharing sexual fantasies with each other that they might never have shared before.  

Gradually, Bob opened up about wanting to try role play--something neither of them had ever tried in their relationship or in any previous relationships.  As an example, he said he wanted to role play being two strangers in a bar where he would pick up Tina and take her to a hotel for hook up sex.

Tina was intrigued by the idea of role play, and she said she would like to try it to spice up their sex life.  She also said she wanted to watch porn with Bob.

Over time, Bob and Tina experimented with watching ethical porn, reading erotica to each other, role playing and their fantasies about BDSM, which is bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism.  They weren't ready to engage in BDSM and they weren't sure if they would ever be ready, but they both got sexually aroused by talking about these fantasies (see my articles: Destigmatizing Fantasies of BDSM).

As they integrated new and adventurous ways of relating sexually, their sex life became more fun and exciting and, at the same time, they also revived the emotional intimacy that had been missing from their relationship after the affair.

Conclusion

Rec-relational sex is a combination of relational sex and recreational sex.  

For many couples the combination of emotional intimacy with sexual excitement and fun helps to create novelty and sexual satisfaction in a loving relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the problems that are keeping you from living the life you want.

Instead of struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health practitioner (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships

In my prior article, Sexual Wellness: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?, I began a discussion about a problem which is common in long term relationships.  My focus in this article is to continue with the clinical vignette presented in the previous article to show how couples therapy can be helpful.

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships

Clinical Vignette: Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship

Jane and John:

To recap from the prior article: John and Jane, who were in their 50s and in a 15 year marriage, sought help in couples therapy to overcome problems with sexual boredom in their marriage (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?).

By the time they started couples therapy, their sex life had dwindled to almost nothing and Jane rarely had an orgasm with John, although she experienced orgasms without a problem in her prior relationships (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

At first, John was uncomfortable talking about their sex life (or about sex in general), but over time, he got comfortable and opened up (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

As part of the assessment, the couples therapist obtained information from each of them about their family of origin and sexual history, including their earliest sexual experiences.  

Jane's family had an open attitude with regard to talking about sex, which contrasted with John's more conservative background and his family's reticence to talk about sex.  Jane also had much more sexual experience than John, including experiences of having orgasms.  

In addition, Jane's desire to be more adventurous to spice up their sex life was also markedly different from John's reticence about using sex toys, watching porn, and so on.  However, they both agreed that they loved each other and they wanted to preserve their relationship.

Since John acknowledged that his libido had always been low, he couples therapist recommended that he see his medical doctor to rule out any physical problems.  The doctor informed John that his testosterone was low, so he prescribed medication for John, which increased his libido and how often he wanted to have sex with Jane.

During couples therapy, John and Jane learned that they had a particular dynamic in their relationship: Jane tended to be the pursuer and John tended to be the withdrawer.  Rather than blaming each other, their therapist encouraged them to focus on changing their dynamic (see my article: Relationships: How Pursuers and Withdrawers Can Improve Their Sex Life).

As a result, instead of Jane always being the one who sought sex in their relationship, John initiated more.  They also became curious about their limited sexual repertoire (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Each of them also learned more about their own and each other's sexual turn-ons and turn-offs (see my articles: Understanding Your Sexual Brakes and Accelerators - Part 1 and Part 2).

John became more attuned to Jane's sexual pleasure so that she experienced more fulfilling sex, including orgasms (see my articles: The Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

Gradually, John learned to be more open and adventurous in terms of both physical and psychological and physical sexual stimulation Sex Tips For Men to Be Better Partners to Women and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

As sex became more pleasurable for both of them, John and Jane each looked forward to having sex rather than approaching it with anxiety and foreboding as they had in the past.

Getting Help in Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, also known as EFT, has been proven to be an effective modality for relationship issues (see my article:  What is EFT Couples Therapy?).

If you're struggling with unresolved relationship issues, you could benefit from working with an EFT therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?

It's not unusual for one or both individuals in a long term relationship to feel bored with their sex life.  A recent survey of 653 adults cited in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy revealed that most people in long term relationships have experienced sexual boredom (see my articles: What is Good Sex? and Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship?).

What is Sexual Boredom?

What is Sexual Boredom?

About half of the respondents in the survey defined sexual boredom as sex being routine, monotonous and repetitive.  

Others indicated that sexual boredom resulted from sex feeling like an obligation in their relationship as opposed to being a pleasurable activity.

Other respondents said they experienced sexual boredom from being with the same sexual partner for a long time.  Other issues cited included low libido, difficulty reaching orgasm, and reduced sexual pleasure.  Some respondents also reported a decrease in sexual frequency and lack of affection or emotional connection with their long term partner.

The 3 Themes of Sexual Boredom

The survey cited three basic themes or factors regarding sexual boredom:

• Individual factors
• Interpersonal factors 
• Practice Related factors

Individual factors: 

• difficulty concentrating or being present during sex
• feeling sad during sex
• feeling indifferent about sex
• feeling tired

Interpersonal factors:

• feeling their partner was selfish during sex
• feeling their partner wasn't enjoying sex as much as they were

Practice-related factors:

• feeling bored due to a limited sexual repertoire in their relationship

Clinical Vignette: Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases (with no identifying information to preserve confidentiality) which illustrates a typical scenario:

John and Jane

When John and Jane began couples therapy, they were both in their early 50s and married for 15 years.  They had no children, and it was the second marriage for each of them (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

Jane was the one who sought couples therapy because, even though she felt they had a loving marriage and they had no other major problems, she was concerned about their dwindling sex life.  

Although John was initially reluctant to attend couples therapy because he didn't think it would be helpful, as the therapy progressed, he saw the value in therapy and he became more of an active participant.  

Both of them told the couples therapist that they still loved the other and they wanted to repair their marriage.

During their initial session, Jane said that even though sex was never very passionate between them--not even during their two years of dating--she had hoped it would improve once they got married.  She said she felt disappointed that it had not improved and that it had become infrequent, boring and routine.

One of the reasons why she married John was because she knew he was "a good man" that she could trust, which was important to her after her experience with infidelity in her first marriage.  

However, over the years their sex life had dwindled down to just once or twice a year.  She said sex had become routine and boring to her, and she sensed that John was also bored, but he was reluctant to talk about it with her (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Jane felt their sexual repertoire was very limited.  In an effort to spice up their sex life, Jane suggested several years before that they try new things.  One thing she suggested was using sex toys, but John was unwilling because he felt uncomfortable and embarrassed about sex toys.  She also sensed he felt threatened and sexually diminished by the idea of using sex toys.  

John acknowledged to the couples therapist that he couldn't understand why they would need sex toys.  He said it made him feel like less than a man that his wife would want sex toys.  In response, the couples therapist said they would talk about this in future couples sessions.

Another thing Jane suggested was watching pornography, but John wasn't open to watching porn.  He told the couples therapist that he felt embarrassed watching other people having sex--even if it was only a video.

In general, Jane said, John had such difficulty talking about sex that she had all but given up trying to spice up their sex life.  But she also felt they were too young to give up.  She was close to tears when she told the couples therapist that she couldn't stand the idea that they might spend the rest of their lives together enduring boring sex or no sex.

The couples therapist met with John and Jane individually for a few sessions each to get their family and sexual histories.  She assured each of them that whatever they told her in these sessions was confidential and she wouldn't reveal to the other spouse what they told her without their permission.

It turned out that Jane came from an affluent liberal family where her parents were open to talking about sex.  Jane's mother talked to her about menstruation by the time Jane was eight years old.  She also gave Jane a book about sex when Jane was 12 years old and then discussed it with her afterwards.

John came from a struggling working class immigrant family with conservative values.  He said sex was a taboo subject in his family, and no one ever talked about it.  He said he grew up feeling confused about sex, and he knew he couldn't approach either of his parents to talk about it.  Eventually, he said, he learned what little he knew about sex at a young age from talking to his friends when he was about 13 years old.  

With regard to their individual sexual histories, prior to his first marriage, John had very limited sexual experience.  He said he didn't date at all when he was in high school because he was very shy.  He had his first experience with sexual intercourse after a night of drinking at a party when he was a sophomore in college.  He described it as "embarrassing" because he experienced premature sexual ejaculation, and the young woman he was with got angry with him. 

He also indicated that sex wasn't that important for him or his first wife during their five years of marriage. They divorced because they were constantly arguing about money.  From John's perspective, she was a spendthrift who had high credit card debt, and he was a saver with almost little debt.  As a result, they were never able to negotiate the financial part of their relationship.

Jane indicated that she was sexually active, in terms of kissing and touching sexually, from the time she was 15.  She had her first experience with sexual intercourse with her first boyfriend when she was 17.  They eventually drifted apart when they went to different colleges.  

She was sexually active with both men and women when she was in college, but she preferred men.  Eventually, she got married to a man she began dating in her senior year of college.  Initially, she was happy in her marriage and she felt they had a satisfying sex life.  However, in their third year of marriage, Jane discovered her husband was having an affair with a former girlfriend (see my article: Infidelity: Should You Stay or Should You Go?).

Even though she felt betrayed by her first husband, she forgave him and they tried to repair their marriage.  However, several months later, she discovered he was still having an affair with the same woman, and Jane filed for divorce.  

When the couples therapist met with John and Jane together, she told them she wanted to get a sense of how they typically interacted sexually as part of their couples therapy (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

When she asked them to describe the last time they had sex, neither of them could remember when the last time had been.  Jane thought it was about six months ago and John thought it might have been four months ago.

Jane said she was usually the one who initiated sex, although she had become more hesitant about it because she was tired of always being the initiator.  She also felt bored and frustrated that John wasn't open to trying new things, and she sensed that John was bored too--even though he never talked about it.

According to Jane, typically, they began by cuddling in bed while watching TV.  Then, if she felt sexually aroused, she reached over and massaged John's penis until he became erect. After they had intercourse, they both rolled over and went to sleep.

Early in their marriage, Jane said, they used to kiss and caress each other more before sexual intercourse, but during the last several years, they had intercourse without any foreplay or affection, and she missed those aspects of their sex life.  

Jane said that whenever they had sex John always had an orgasm. She said she used to have orgasms more regularly earlier in their marriage, but she rarely had an orgasm anymore.  Since John was so uncomfortable talking about sex, they didn't discuss that she experienced little pleasure during sex (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Part 2).

At that point, as John listened to Jane, he looked embarrassed.  He apologized to Jane for being so inconsiderate, and Jane responded by reaching out and taking John's hand.  They both agreed they were committed to coming to weekly couples therapy sessions to improve their relationship.

My Next Article:

In my next article, I'll continue describing the next phase of couples therapy for these fictional characters, John and Jane, to show how couples therapy can help improve a couples' sex life (see my article: Overcoming Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

Getting Help in Therapy

Sexual boredom is a common problem in many long term relationships due to many individual, relational and sexual practice related issues.

If you have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise with your problem.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase - Part 2: Getting Help in Therapy

In Part 1 of this topic, I began a discussion about the psychologically and physically addictive problem of romantic and sexual obsessions.  I also provided two clinical vignettes to illustrate two different but related problems involving these obsessions and the thrill of the chase (see my article: Understanding Sexually Addictive Behavior).

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase

In this article, I'm focusing on the first vignette from Part 1 about the fictional character, Ed, to delve deeper into this subject and show how experiential psychotherapy can help people with romantic or sexual obsessions to overcome their problem (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

In a future article, I'll focus on the second vignette from Part 1 about the fictional character, Jane, where the symptoms are similar but the outer manifestation of the problem is different.

Clinical Vignette: Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase: 
The following fictional vignette is a continuation of Part 1 and it will illustrate how experiential psychotherapy can help:

Ed
In Part 1, I presented a fictional case about someone named Ed, a married man in his mid-40s.  Although the vignette is fiction, the problems involved are real and common to many people who get caught up in romantic and sexual obsessions.

To Recap:
During five years of marriage, Ed had numerous sexual affairs.  Typical for people who become obsessed with the thrill of the chase, Ed got a dopamine high from these obsessions and the anticipation of "catching" the women he was obsessed about.

Even though he loved his wife and he didn't want to jeopardize his marriage, Ed couldn't stop chasing after women--even after one of the women contacted his wife out of anger and sent his wife a videotape, which she secretly recorded without Ed knowing, of one of her sexual encounters with Ed. She also told Ed's wife about his numerous other sexual affairs.

When confronted with the videotape, Ed admitted to his wife that he had been having sexual affairs throughout their marriage. He felt ashamed of his behavior and very sad that he hurt his wife. After he admitted his infidelities, he vowed to his wife and to himself that he would stop chasing other women. Although his wife was hurt by Ed's betrayal, she forgave him when he promised her that he would stop having affairs.

Ed struggled to keep his promise for a short time.  However, he felt himself being dazzled and tantalized by the attractive women he met when he wasn't with his wife, and his struggle turned out to be too much for him to bear. He gave in to his obsessions during a time when he felt bored, and he resumed having secret extramarital affairs with women he met in person as well as on the dating app, Tinder (see my article: Married, Bored and Cheating Online).

The Story Continues:
As time went on, Ed became increasingly obsessed, especially once he began using Tinder to meet women.  Realizing that he could meet hundreds of women online, who were also only interested in hooking up for sex, fueled his obsession.  He rationalized his behavior by telling himself that he was upfront with these women about his marital status so they knew what they were getting into. He also rationalized that he wasn't hurting his wife because he believed he could do a better job of hiding his affairs and what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

What Ed didn't realize was that his addictive behavior was not only driven by seeing attractive women--he was also now responding to the pings he heard from Tinder whenever a woman responded to his request for sex. The sound of the pings were now paired in his mind with sexual conquests, and he was unknowingly also getting a dopamine high just from the sound.

One night while he was out to dinner with his wife with his phone next to him on the table, Ed tried to resist responding to the pings from his phone while he and his wife were talking.  But the urge to look at his Tinder responses became overwhelming and he glanced at his phone several times.

Telling his wife that the pings were emails from work, Ed told her that he had to call his office. Then he went outside to look at his Tinder responses.  Once outside, Ed couldn't wait to look at the responses he received.  As he looked through the responses, he felt giddy with excitement as he saw the sexually provocative pictures from these women.  The dopamine rush he experienced was like electricity going through him, and he had to suppress an urge to laugh from the sheer thrill of it all.

He was especially thrilled that one of the women who had initially resisted his responses was now asking for sexually explicit photos of him which, as usual, he was only too willing to provide.  He could feel the thrill of pressing send to this woman's personal cellphone number as he sent her several nude pictures of himself and he requested that she do the same.

Ed was so caught up in responding to his Tinder requests that he didn't realize how much time had gone by while he was standing outside the restaurant.  It was as if he had fallen down a rabbit hole where he lost awareness of time and place.  By the time he looked up, he was shocked to see his wife, Megan, was standing next to him and looking over his shoulder at his Tinder account.

On the taxi ride home, Ed attempted to apologize to Megan, but she refused to talk to him.  By the time they were back in their apartment, he was desperately trying to make amends with her, but she told him to move out to a hotel until she had time to think about what she would do next.  Then, what she said next shocked him, "At least we don't have children!"(see my article: Your Spouse Cheated on You: Should You Stay or Should You Go).

This remark hurt Ed deeply because he and Megan had been trying to have a baby for the last two years.  They both loved children and it had been their dream to have a baby. Prior to this, they had even talked about going for fertility treatment.  Now, Ed felt his marriage to Megan and any possibility of having children was lost.

During the next few weeks, while he was staying at a nearby hotel, Ed reached out to his wife, but Megan refused to take his calls.  He didn't blame her for being upset.  He knew he hurt her again by continuing to have sexual affairs and breaking his promise to her.  He blamed himself and he wished he could go back in time to undo the pain and anger he caused his wife.

Ed also felt deeply ashamed.  For the first time in his life, he considered whether he was in the grips of addictive behavior.  He felt so upset and overwhelmed that he disabled his Tinder account, he stopped seeing the women he had been having affairs with, and he blocked their numbers on his phone.  He had no appetite for chasing women and the thought of it only made him feel more ashamed and angry with himself.

Several weeks later, Megan agreed to talk to Ed at their apartment.  Ed took this as a hopeful sign, but as soon as he arrived, Megan told him that she decided she wanted a divorce.  Upon hearing this, Ed was shocked and he felt like the floor had dropped out from under his feet.  She told Ed calmly that she was very hurt and she didn't trust him anymore (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships).

She said she knew he loved her and she believed him when he first told her he would stop having affairs.  But, she said, all that changed when she discovered that he was continuing to have affairs and she knew now that his problem was much deeper than she had realized before.  She also told him that she had a consultation with a divorce attorney and she had a one-way ticket to fly home to her family in California in two weeks.

When he heard what Megan had to say, Ed felt like his life was over.  Nothing mattered to him if he couldn't be with Megan.  He told her that he realized he didn't deserve it, but he begged Megan to give him another chance.  He promised to get into individual therapy to overcome his problem and he begged Megan to come with him to couples therapy.

During the next week, Megan continued to refuse to give Ed another chance.  As she said she would, she flew out to California to stay with her parents temporarily.  She and Ed talked on the phone, but she was only willing to talk about practical matters like their apartment in Manhattan where Ed was now living alone.  She refused to attend couples therapy with Ed, but she told him she thought he should get help for himself in individual therapy, "Don't do it for me.  Do it for yourself."

Getting Help in Individual Experiential Therapy:
Not knowing what else to do, Ed sought help in individual therapy.  Although he felt desperate to get Megan back, he knew it was pointless to try to persuade her.  Initially, his motivation for individual therapy was to let Megan know that he started therapy so he could convince her to take him back.  But as he continued to attend his therapy sessions and he learned about himself, his external motivation turned into internal motivation to do it for himself.

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase: Getting Help in Therapy

Over time in therapy, Ed began to understand his obsessive and addictive behavior with women.  He realized that he was obsessed with women from the time he was a teenager.  He never thought much about his behavior and his inability to remain faithful before.

When he was a teenager, he told himself, "Boys will be boys" and he used this rationalization to cheat on his girlfriends.  Then, when he got older and he was married, he rationalized his infidelity by telling himself that he wasn't harming her by having affairs because Megan didn't know about it and it didn't change how much he loved her.  Even after Megan found out and he lost his initial resolve to stop chasing women, he thought all he needed to do was to get better at hiding his affairs.

But now that he was on the brink of losing his marriage, Ed began to make connections between his infidelity and his father's infidelity.  Even though his parents never talked to Ed about his father's numerous extramarital affairs, Ed heard them arguing about it late at night.

Ed felt deeply ambivalent about his father's behavior.  Part of him hated his father for hurting his mother.  But another part of Ed admired his father for being "a ladies' man."  And when, by chance, as a teenager, he saw his father in his car with a beautiful woman, Ed felt a rush throughout his body at the thought of being able to have affairs with multiple beautiful women at the same time.

Working Through Early Trauma in Experiential Therapy
As Ed recounted his family history to his therapist, he realized for the first time that he often felt lonely and lost as a child. As the middle child of three children, he longed for his parents' attention.  But they focused on their older son, who excelled academically and in sports, and they doted on his younger sister, who was spoiled by his parents.  They compared Ed unfavorable to his older brother and he often depressed by his parents' emotional neglect (see my article: What is Emotional Neglect?).

As time went on, Ed could see that his feelings of low self worth were temporarily alleviated by his sexual conquests.  But he realized that after the chase was over with each woman, he no longer felt the initial thrill. He also realized that after a while he needed to have numerous sexual affairs in order to feel that boost to his mood, and he could see the addictive pattern.

His therapist recommended EMDR therapy, also known as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy, to work through the underlying issues that fueled his addictive behavior, including the emotional neglect he experienced as a child (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Prior to EMDR therapy, Ed had always thought, "I love women," but as he delved deeper into his problems, he realized that he also had hostile feelings towards women, especially his mother whom he experienced as cold and emotionally withholding.  He realized over time that with each sexual conquest, he was attempting to prove to himself that he was a lovable person (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

A few months later, as Ed explained to Megan what he learned about himself and how he was working through his sexually addictive behavior.  He revealed to her that he no longer felt a compulsion to see other women.  After she thought about it for a few days, Megan agreed to come back to New York City to attend couples therapy with Ed.  She told him that, although she didn't trust him, she still loved him and she wanted to see if they could salvage their marriage.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples
When Megan returned to New York, she moved back into their Manhattan apartment to live with Ed again and entered into her own individual therapy to deal with the hurt, mistrust and anger she felt.  They also began seeing a couples therapist who used Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, also known as EFT (see my article: How EFT Couples Therapy Can Help Your Relationship).

Putting the Pieces Back Together and Salvaging a Marriage:
Over time, Ed and Megan began to put the pieces of their life together. It took a while for Megan to trust Ed again.  As part of their agreement, she had access to his phone, his texts and all his computer accounts, and Ed remained faithful to Megan (see my article: Broken Promises - Surviving Infidelity).

Conclusion
Romantic and sexual obsessions usually get worse over time due to the physically and psychologically addictive behavior involved.  Since addiction gets worse without help, over time it takes more of the addictive behavior to get the same high--even when the high is fueled by dopamine.

People usually rationalize their addictive behavior, but these rationalizations often fall apart as the consequences to their behavior bring them back to reality. 

To overcome any addictive behavior, beyond stopping, it's important to understand and resolve the underlying issues that fuel the addiction.  These underlying issues often involve psychological trauma (see my article: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

Experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, and EFT, which all take a bottom up (as opposed to a top down) approach, is are much more effective in getting to the root of the problem than regular talk therapy (see my article: What's the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy
Overcoming romantic and sexual obsessions takes a commitment to work through the underlying issues involved in therapy.

Developing intellectual insight, while important, usually isn't enough to help people to overcome addictive behavior.  These problems require experiential therapy that helps people to shift on an emotional level and not just on an intellectual level.

If you're struggling with problems that you have been unable to resolve on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from an experienced psychotherapist so you can free yourself from your addictive patterns to live a happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.