Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Everyone feels lonely sometimes.  It's not unusual.  There are different kinds of experiences of feeling lonely.  

Usually we associate feeling lonely with being alone. But it's not unusual to feel lonely from time to time while you're in a relationship.  You and your partner or spouse aren't always going to feel emotionally attuned.  

But when you feel lonely most of the time while you're with your partner, this is a different kind of loneliness and can be indicative of problems in the relationship (see my article:  What's the Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness?).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

There are many reasons why you could be feeling lonely or emotionally estranged from your partner.  Assuming that you and your partner spend time together and that you're not away from each other for significant periods, it's important to determine what's causing you to feel lonely and if your partner is feeling the same way.

Are one or both of you withdrawing emotionally when you're together so that you're in the same room but you're not connecting with each other on an emotional level?  Are you bored?  Has your sex life waned?  Have you grown apart?

The following vignette is a fictionalized composite that illustrates a particular cause of loneliness in a relationship:

Alice and Peter:

Alice and Peter were married for 15 years.  They had two sons, who were 11 and 12.  They both had successful careers.  When they first got married, they had a very passionate relationship.  But in the last few years, they focused most of their free time on their sons' various activities, including sports events.  Their once passionate sex life had waned to nearly nothing (see my article: Reviving Your Sex Life).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

After their children went away to sleep away camp for the first time, they found themselves together and alone for the first time in a long time.  Before their sons left, they each thought they would enjoy having time to themselves for a change.

But after their sons were gone, they both felt awkward around each other and somewhat at a loss as to how to spend their time together.  Both of them felt too uncomfortable talking about it, so they each dealt with the awkwardness and loneliness they felt on their own.  They each found individual projects to work on in their spare time, and they tried to avoid the emotional awkwardness by spending their time apart.

As the weeks passed, they each felt more emotionally estranged from each other.  Finally, when it became too uncomfortable for her, Alice broached the topic with Peter, feeling embarrassed and shy, but  deciding that it was better to talk about it than to keep sweeping it under the rug.

So, over breakfast, before they went off to their separate projects, Alice told Peter that she was feeling lonely.  There was an awkward silence, which increased Alice's embarrassment and feelings of awkwardness.  Then, Peter looked away and said he was feeling the same way.

They talked about how they never realized, while the children were around, that they had lost sight of their relationship.

They acknowledged to each other that they still loved one another, but their sex life had waned to nothing.  This was a difficult conversation to have, but it was a relief for both of them to stop avoiding each other and the so-called "elephant in the room" of the loneliness that they each felt around each other.

Peter and Alice realized that they needed to get to know each other again.  They loved their sons very much, but they realized that they needed to spend more quality time with each to rekindle their relationship.

But they didn't know how after all this time, so they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In marriage counseling, they learned to re-engage in the activities that they used to enjoy--going out dancing, going to the theatre, and reading aloud to each other.

To rekindle their sex life, they rediscovered how to be sensual with each other and, eventually, becoming sexually intimate again after years of not being sexual at all.  When their sons returned, they made sure to continue to find time for each other by going out on a "date" at least 3-4 times per month to maintain the emotional and sexual intimacy they discovered with each other while their sons were away.

Loneliness and Estrangement Can Develop Over Time in a Relationship
The scenario above is only one example of how loneliness and emotional estrangement can develop in a relationship over time without the couple even realizing it.

There are many other examples, too many to discuss in one blog post.  

One common complaint I hear from couples in my New York City private practice is that one or both people are continually preoccupied with their cellphone.  This could be a topic unto itself.  Another common complaint is that one or both people have outgrown each other.

Getting Help in Therapy
The main point of this blog post is that if you're feeling lonely in your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your partner to communicate this before it's too late.

You're not alone.  There are many individuals and couples that experience this problem.

If you're unable to work on it on your own by rekindling your relationship, you can seek the help of a licensed mental health professional who  specializes in working with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships - Lies of Omission

In prior blog posts about couples counseling, I've explored the topic of trust with regard to infidelity in relationships. This is one important aspect of mistrust in relationships. In this blog post, I would like to explore another aspect of trust and mistrust that I see as a NYC therapist who works with individuals and couples, specifically the topic of "lies of omission."

When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships: Lies of Omission

When we talk about trust, generally, we recognize that, in most cases, there are degrees of trust rather than either total trust or total mistrust, and this can change over time in a relationship.

We also recognize that when trust is an issue in a relationship, like most other issues, the individuals' family histories are often a contributing factor as to how the issue plays out and how it affects the current relationship.

A composite vignette should help to illustrate these points. As always, composite vignettes are representative of numerous cases and do not violate confidentiality:

Sandy and Tom:
When Sandy and Tom came to see me for marriage counseling, they were married for three years. Both of them were accomplished professionals in their 30s.  It was the first marriage for both of them.

The main issue that brought them into marriage counseling was that Sandy felt she could not trust Tom at times. They both agreed there were no issues of infidelity.

The main problem seemed to be that, over time, Sandy detected a recurring pattern where Tom deliberately withheld certain information from her about an insignificant aspect of whatever topic he was discussing.

Her concern was more about the recurring pattern of deliberately not telling her certain things and not about the particular piece of information that he left out. She was completely confused and hurt about Tom's lies of omission.

Tom acknowledged that he often felt a compelling urge to withhold information from Sandy. He agreed with Sandy that, when each example was looked at by itself, it didn't seem significant. However, when looked at as a pattern of his communication with Sandy, it raised a "red flag." He seemed to be just as baffled by his behavior as Sandy was, and he wanted to change this pattern.

Lies of Omission: Tom acknowledged that he felt a compelling urge to withhold information from Sally

To illustrate her point, Sandy gave numerous examples. Each of them seemed to be of no particular importance, except when looked at together as a pattern.

A typical example was when Tom told Sandy about a business dinner and discussed each person in detail--except one. He never mentioned that person at all. There was nothing particularly significant about this one person's attendance at the meeting, and Sandy had no reason to be concerned about this person.

What was significant was that Tom felt the need, as he often did, to withhold a particular piece of information from Sandy.

He acknowledged that he had deliberately withheld this information, and if he had not withheld this particular piece of information, he would have withheld some other insignificant piece of information.

Usually, later on, whatever Tom had omitted would come to light in some other way, and Sandy would be confused about why Tom had not told her.

Exploration of Tom's background revealed that both of his parents were loving and nurturing towards him, but they were also highly intrusive. As a child, Tom was not allowed to close the door to his room because his parents wanted to be able to see what he was doing at any given time.

As a result, Tom felt he had no privacy until he moved out to go to college. Tom had never thought much about this before but, as we continued to explore his family background, he traced back his pattern of engaging in lies of omission to the time he was about 10 or 11 years old.

Over time, as we continued to discuss this in marriage counseling, Tom realized that he resented his parents' intrusiveness and he compensated for it, without realizing it, by finding ways to withhold certain information from them.

Unconsciously, he found a way to preserve certain things for himself that he did not want to share with them. None of the things that he kept from them were significant--it was more the idea that he could have something for himself that his parents could not intrude upon.

Realizing this was a major breakthrough for Tom and it served as a starting point to change his pattern of communication with Sandy. And, once Sandy understood more fully how his parents' intrusiveness affected him, she felt a lot more compassion for Tom, and she became more patient.

When looked at from the perspective of a young boy who felt relentlessly impinged upon by his parents, you could begin to understand how Tom would develop an unconscious pattern of withholding information.

As a child, he didn't have the ability to stop his parents from being intrusive or to communicate his discomfort to them or to cope with it in other ways. As a result, he did the only thing he knew how to do to preserve a sense of privacy for himself.

So, what started out as a way to cope with intrusive parents developed into a maladaptive form of communication with his wife. And since his wife was not an intrusive person, in reality, Tom had no reason to continue this pattern, but it had become habitual.

Although it took a while for Tom to feel "safe" enough to be more open with Sandy, eventually, he did learn to stop engaging in lies of omission, and this significantly improved the relationship.

Tom Was Able to Change His Pattern of Lying After He Worked Through Childhood Issues

An Excuse to Lie?
Reading this vignette, some people might think that Tom used his family background as a convenient excuse to be withholding with Sandy.

However, as a psychotherapist in the room with a client who is describing the pain and feelings of powerlessness of never having privacy as a child and feeling constantly intruded upon by well-meaning but intrusive parents, I have a clear sense that this type of family background can have a profound effect on a child.

It's not a matter of condoning this behavior, but of understanding the origins of it. And the unconscious patterns that we develop as children often don't disappear automatically when we become adults. Often, we carry these patterns into our adult relationships where they have adverse effects.

Without understanding the significance of how certain patterns develop and just looking at these circumstances on the surface, many people might say, "Why doesn't he just get over it?"

However, often, once the roots of the problem are traced back, we can see the complexity of the problem more clearly.

So, rather than looking at it in terms of someone making convenient excuses for his problem, it becomes a starting point for understanding the problem and it often contains the key for the resolution.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner struggle with similar issues in your relationship, you could benefit from attending couples therapy with a licensed mental health professional to overcome these problems.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing who works with with individual adults and couples. I have helped many individuals and couples to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Partner

As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, one of the most common complaints I hear from people in relationships is that they feel unappreciated by their spouses or partners. They talk about how they feel taken for granted because their partners don't express their gratitude for the many big and little things they do. This occurs in many relationships, especially long-term relationships.

The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Spouse

It's Easy to Take Your Spouse For Granted Over Time

It's easy to see how this can occur over time. When we're dating, we're on our best behavior. The relationship is new and exciting. We're learning new things all the time about the other person. We're more likely, at that point, to express gratitude and appreciation.

But as time goes on and we settle into a long-term relationship and our lives become somewhat more routine, we often forget the kindness and gratitude we expressed early on. Often, it's not even that we don't feel grateful--it's more that we forget to say it.

Don't Assume That Your Spouse Knows How You Feel

During couples counseling, when one of the people in the relationship raises this issue, the other person will usually say, "Of course, I'm grateful for everything she does. But why do I need to say it?  She should know..."

Take the Time to Express and Show Your Gratitude to Your Spouse
And, while it's true that the partner might know on some level, it's important to actually say it. We usually express gratitude to other people in our lives.

The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Spouse: Take the Time to Express and Show Your Gratitude

Why wouldn't we express gratitude to the person we care about most?

It takes so little time and effort to let our loved ones know that who they are to us and the things they do are meaningful to us.

Taking this time to express gratitude can make such a difference to your spouse and to the well-being of your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming a Communication Stalemate in Your Relationship

When couples come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, one of the major complaints I hear is that they often get into communication stalemates with each other.  Many of them have problems understanding the needs of their spouses, which leads to these communication stalemate.  The problem often involves misunderstandings about the need for providing emotional support vs the need for giving solutions to problems.

Overcoming a Communication Stalemate in Your Relationship

Let's look at a typical scenario which, in this case, is a composite of the dynamics in many relationships where the two people have difficulty communicating with each other because there is a misunderstanding about what the person with the problem needs from the spouse:

Jean and Bill:
When Jean and Bill came for couples counseling, they both felt frustrated with their inability to communicate with each other.

When they came for couples counseling, they were in their mid-30s, married for three years, and they didn't have children.

Bill worked as a financial consultant from home, and Jean was a senior manager at a large bank.  They both worked long hours, and they both enjoyed their work, even though there were challenges at times.

Usually, at the end of a long day, they would have a late dinner together at home and talk about their day.  At the point when they came to see me, Jean was having a difficult time with one of her colleagues who tended to undermine Jean at senior managers meetings.

When she came home, Jean felt tense and frustrated by this ongoing problem.  But what made her feel even more frustrated was that Bill had a hard time understanding that when she talked to him about this issue, she just wanted his emotional support--not a solution to the problem.  And, even though she had told him this several times, Bill seemed to have difficulty understanding this.

Jean:  "Instead of listening to me and trying to empathize with what I'm going through, he cuts me off by giving possible solutions to the problem.  But I'm not looking for him to 'fix' the problem for me. I just want to be able to vent and feel that he cares about me and he's on my side before we come up with solutions.  I'm not feeling that.  I feel like Bill just wants to jump ahead to problem solving."

Bill:   "I just don't get it.  What's wrong with problem solving and offering possible solutions?  Isn't it better to find a solution to resolve this problem?  And how is it that you don't know I care about you?"

At that point, Bill and Jean were sitting far apart from each other on my couch, both of them glaring at one another. It was obvious that they had been down this road many times before and had come to the same impasse each time.

A Common Communication Problem in Relationships:  Seeking Emotional Support vs Looking For an Immediate Solution
This is a common communication problem in many relationships, and part of the problem is that, generally speaking, men and women often approach problems differently.  It's not a matter of one way being better than another.

Typically speaking, whereas men usually like to get to the solution of a problem quickly, women usually prefer to process their feelings about it first before coming to a solution.  Just like anything else, there are, of course, exceptions to this dynamic between men and women.  Often, depending upon the problem, women usually prefer to come to solutions to problems between people by talking it out, but many men find this frustrating.  They're usually more focused on fixing the problem right away without processing it.

In this case, Bill and Jean were having a hard time understanding where the other one was coming from.  Bill didn't understand that Jean wanted him to be there for her, actively listening to what she said, expressing that he understood how difficult this situation was for Jean and that he loved her.  Instead, he jumped ahead to the practical issue of trying to "fix" the problem.  He wasn't really understanding what she needed from him.  Then, Jean would get very angry and refuse to talk about it.

Jean wasn't communicating in a way that was clear to Bill about what she needed.  Rather than saying, "I just want you to listen to me right now and I want you to show me that you care without jumping to a solution," she would become angry and lose her temper with him.  Her knee-jerk reaction compounded the problem.

As a couples counselor, I helped each of them to step back and look at their situation from the perspective of the other person.  This was challenging for both of them because they had each become so dug in from their own perspectives.

But as we continued to work together and they practiced active listening and being clearer about each of their needs in our couples sessions and at home, they improved their communication, tensions eased, and they became closer.

Jean learned to tell Bill at the beginning of the conversation that she wasn't looking for a solution just yet--she just wanted to vent.  And Bill learned to put himself in Jean's shoes and express love and support.  He also came to realize that talking it out actually helped Jean to come to a better solution than just looking for a solution without going through the process of their discussion.

Overcoming a Communication Stalemate in Your Relationship

Jean also learned that, every so often, Bill would slip up and jump in with a solution.  Rather than losing her temper, Jean learned to be more patient and to understand that Bill was coming from a loving place, and he just needed to be reminded that she just wanted him to listen and express emotional support.

They also learned to limit these discussions to no more than 30 minutes so it didn't take over the rest of the evening, and they could focus on reconnecting with each at the end of the day.

Getting Help in Therapy
Although, as I've said, this is a common communication problem in relationships, couples often have a hard time resolving it on their own, especially if the problem has been going on for a while and hurt feelings and resentment have been building up over time.

A skilled and objective couples counselor can help a couple out of their communication stalemate,

If you and your spouse find yourself  stuck in a communication stalemate, don't keep doing the same things that hasn't been working for you.  Rather than continuing in your stalemate, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping couples to overcome this problem so you can have a happier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You and Your Spouse Constantly Arguing About Money?

Are you and your spouse constantly arguing about money? If you are, you're not alone. Arguments about money often bring couples into couples counseling when the couple can't find a way to compromise on their differences. It's one of the main reasons why people come to see a couples therapist. It's also one of the main causes of breakups and divorce.

Arguing About Money

What I'm referring to is not the occasional disagreement that many couples have from time to time about money. I'm talking about a pattern of ongoing arguments where there are fundamental differences in values and major differences in how each person relates to money.

People Often Don't Talk About Money Before They Get Married

Often, before people get married or enter into a committed relationship, they neglect talking about money and each of their particular views about it. It's very easy to get so caught up and swept away by romantic feelings that money issues might seem too mundane to talk about at that point. 

 For many people, talking about money is still somewhat taboo. So, both people enter into the marriage blissfully unaware that they might have completely different philosophies about money.

For instance, one person might be more of a saver while the other person is more of a spender. Until you live with someone and share bills, you might not really see certain patterns they have with spending or saving money. But once you're together, these issues start to come up pretty quickly with regard to both short-term and long-term money issues. 

 It's not unusual for a spouse to discover shortly after being married that his or her partner has a lot of credit card debt that was never mentioned before. There have been times when I've been amazed at the lengths that one spouse has gone to, even long into the marriage, to keep large debts a secret until they've become really out of control.

Money Can Take on Different Symbolic Meanings

Money often takes on different symbolic meanings for people. For many people, money is symbolic of self worth. The more money they have, the better they feel about themselves. 

 Conversely, having less money (either due to a job loss or other reversals in fortune) erodes their self esteem. To rely on how much money you have to determine how you feel about yourself is a very slippery slope. 

 When one or both people feel this way in a relationship, it becomes a big problem when they experience a financial downturn, and this often leads to arguments. Without strong internal resources, an over identification of money and self esteem is often a recipe for disaster.

Arguing About Money

For many couples, where one person relies on overspending to shore up an otherwise poor sense of self, hidden emotional insecurities (that were formerly kept out of conscious awareness by overspending money to feel good) come to the surface in unexpected ways when he or she can't continue overspending due to financial problems. When overspending money is no longer available as a quick fix habit to feel good, this often leads to arguments. The person who is overspending might not even realize that being unable to rely on this quick fix is causing him or her to feel irritable and unhappy.

In many couples, one or both people feel that when a spouse spends a lot of money on them, it's symbolic of how much they are loved. If they have to cut back on their spending, it feels like the spouse loves them less. Most of the time, these are unconscious feelings and they can be very powerful. At that point, the couple is challenged to find something more intrinsically meaningful in their relationship. Of course, this isn't such an all-or-nothing problem most of the time. It can be much more subtle than that. But it can still be a problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

When couples are unable to work out their differences about money, they often find it helpful to seek couples counseling. 

 A couples counselor won't provide you with financial advice, but he or she can help you to understand the emotional aspects of your problems and how to negotiate and compromise about money issues. A skilled couples counselor can also help you to see the underlying emotional issues that might be fueling your problems.

I've only touched the surface in this blog post with regard to all the different problems couples often have around money. The important thing to realize is that arguments about money, although unpleasant, are not unusual, and many couples are helped in couples counseling to overcome these problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

 I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?

When you're in a relationship, one of the most difficult decisions you might have to make is whether you should stay or go.

Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?

Every relationship has its ups and downs. It's not unusual to go through rough patches, especially in the course of a long-term relationship. 

 Many couples weather these rough patches and their relationships are ultimately strengthened for having gone through a difficult time in an otherwise good and stable relationship. 

 But there are times when it's not always so clear whether the emotionally healthy response is to persevere in the relationship or whether it's time to leave. This dilemma might be further complicated by whether the couple has small children, particular religious views, complicated economic factors or an overall ambivalence about the relationship.

No One Knows Better than You What It's Like to Be in Your Relationship

Of course, no one can tell you what's right for you. Well-meaning friends and family members might give advice but, ultimately, no one really knows what it's like for you to be in your relationship, except you. 

There are certain circumstances where it's clear that you need to leave. For instance, if either you or your children are in danger due to domestic violence, you have a right and responsibility to protect yourself and your children from harm. But many other problems in relationships aren't so clear.

Dealing with Infidelity

When there have been serious breaches in trust, it's often hard to know if trust and confidence in the relationship can be restored. 

For instance, when one or both people have cheated, this usually does significant damage to the relationship. Some couples are able to work through this problem, but many others don't. Another complicated problem is when there have been lies or manipulation about money. 

 How do you know if your partner will change? Can you forgive him or her over time or will there always be doubt, worry, and anger that it could happen again. These aren't easy questions to answer.

See my article:  Coping with Infidelity

Are You Afraid to Be Alone?

Are you afraid to be alone and, if so, how much of a factor is this in your decision to stay or leave the relationship? Are you afraid of being lonely? Do you have doubts that you'll ever meet anyone else again and you'll be alone forever? How much is a possible lack of self confidence factoring into your decision process?

Are You and Your Spouse Drifting Apart in Your Relationship?

Over the course of a long-term relationship, many people start to drift apart. They might be living in the same household, but they're emotionally disengaged. A certain amount of denial may have set in where one or both people avoid dealing with this problem. Over time, this experience can leave you feeling empty and emotionally unfulfilled. Is it possible to revive your relationship? Are you and your spouse both willing to try? Or has this situation eroded the relationship to the point where it can no longer be revived?

An Emotional Dilemma

It's impossible to raise all the possible problems and questions in one blog post that might be a part of your decision as to whether you should stay or leave your relationship. One important thing to realize is that you're not alone in your emotional dilemma. Many people have faced this challenging and heart breaking problem in their relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

Getting help, sooner rather than later, can make a significant difference to you and your partner. Working with a couples counselor that you both feel comfortable with often helps. The couples counselor can't tell you what to do, but a skilled couples counselor can facilitate the communication process so that you can either work through your problems, if they're workable, or separate in the most amicable way possible..

What if your spouse refuses to participate in couples counseling? It's not unusual for one person to be willing and the other person to refuse. 

 The decision to start couples counseling isn't easy, and the thought of talking to a stranger about intimate problems can be daunting. 

If your spouse is unwilling to even come to a consultation with a couples counselor, you can seek help on your own. 

 In fact, many people seek help in individual therapy because they want to try to figure out for themselves first how they feel before they begin couples counseling. For other couples where the dynamic between them is so heated and contentious, they each need to go to individual therapy for a period of time because nothing productive can be accomplished together in couples counseling.

Taking the First Step 

Taking the first step is often the hardest part. 

Couples counseling or individual psychotherapy is a commitment and this often scares people off from taking that first step to get help. But rather than getting overwhelmed before you start, you can set up a consultation without any obligation to continue if you and/or your partner don't want to continue. 

You might consider meeting with a couple of therapists to see which one feels most comfortable to work with on your relationship issues. The important thing is to take the first step.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples. I have helped many people, both individuals and couples, to work through problems in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  Are You Too Afraid to Leave an Unhappy Relationship?

Relationships: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven for Each Other

Creating a safe haven within your relationship is one of the most important aspects of a happy relationship, and it includes:

Being Able to Trust Each Other:
Trust is at the root of any successful relationship. Part of any happy relationship is you and your partner being able to trust, to be compassionate, and emotionally supportive of one another.

Relationships: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other

Having a safe emotional haven in a relationship means that you can confide in each other about issues that are private and meaningful to you without being afraid that the information will be used against you in an argument or that your partner will disclose it to others.

Putting Your Relationship First:
Putting your relationship first is also essential to creating a safe haven for each other. This doesn't mean that you and your partner don't have relationships with family and friends because loving friends and family are important too.

But there is a recognition that your relationship with your partner comes first. That means that are ordinary circumstances, you are sufficiently independent from your family so that if there is any question of loyalty, your relationship comes first.

Putting Your Relationship First

Please note that I've written "under ordinary circumstances" so that I'm not referring to situations where there is domestic violence where you need to consider your self preservation and the need for support of family and friends.

Many relationships fall apart because one or both partners are still too enmeshed with their parents or other family members. As a result, they're unable to set boundaries with their family and this interferes with the relationship.

The same can be said about friendships. In a healthy relationship, both partners have close friends that are important to them. But these friendships don't interfere with your relationship.

Spending Time Together: Quality and Quantity:
Spending quality time is essential for creating a safe haven in your relationship. You can't have quality time without having a sufficient quantity of time.

Spending Time Together

 If you two of you are shortchanging the relationship because you're too scattered by other responsibilities and this goes on for a while, your relationship will suffer. This can be challenging, especially for a couple where both people have careers or child care responsibilities, but it's important that the two of you be able to negotiate this.

Resolving Conflicts and Letting Go of Resentments:
Having a safe haven in a relationship means that when conflicts arise, you can resolve them as quickly and equitably as possible. Let go of petty arguments and misunderstandings.

Focus on the importance of the relationship rather than "being right" about issues that are inconsequential. When resentments build up in a relationship, trust often goes out the window.

Needless to say, there is no place for revenge in a healthy relationship or acting out sexually with other people.

Resolving Conflicts and Letting Go of Resentments

Many relationships get into trouble because couples forget how to provide a safe haven for each other. Relationships with a long history go through many challenges and it' s easy to forget what's important. Hurt, anger and resentment can cloud your judgment making it hard for you to find your way back to what was once a loving and supportive relationship.

At that point, you and your partner might need the professional help of a marriage or couples counselor to help you get back on track.

Getting Help in Therapy: Don't Wait Until It's Too Late:
One of the main reasons why marriage and couples counseling is unsuccessful in certain cases is that couples wait until it's too late to seek help. By the time they come to counseling, the relationship is over in all by name.

It's not unusual for me to hear people say, "We've already hired divorce attorneys, but we thought we would give it one last ditch effort." Often one or both people are really not motivated to stay together. One of the partners might really know that he or she wants the relationship to end, but comes to couples counseling to appear as if he or she is being fair, especially if the other person doesn't really want the divorce.

This is not to say that relationships at this stage can never be salvaged, but the odds of repairing a relationship are greater if the couples comes for counseling as soon as they realize that they're unable to resolve their problems on their own.

If you and your partner are having problems in your relationship that you've been unable to resolve on your own, don't wait until it's too late. You could benefit from seeking the help of a marriage or couples counselor who is a licensed mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist in NYC who works with individuals and couples.

My services include: psychodynamic psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral treatment, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

I've helped many individuals and couples, both heterosexual and gay, to improve their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Romantic Reconnections

Many people are reconnecting through social media with former high school and college sweethearts after 10, 15, 20 years or more of having no contact.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I've been seeing more and more people who are reconnecting through these sites and falling in love all over again. The excitement of these reconnections is often very compelling. Often, these are long lost love connections from a happier time when both people were much younger and when there was much promise in their lives.

Relationships: Romantic Reconnections

It's exciting to find out what the other person has been doing all these years later and to tell your story. It can also be a heady experience to find out that this person has been thinking about you all this time, wondering what you're doing, and thinking about your former relationship. It can also be uplifting to remember your youthful self at that time and cause you to remember a more passionate and optimistic part of yourself that you might not have been in touch with for a long time. There's a certain romantic nostalgia about these romantic reconnections.

Of the many stories that I've heard, many times, these reconnections seem to work out well. However, there are times when, after the initial reconnection, problems begin to emerge and these couples come into couples counseling to try to work out these problems.

Based on what I've seen, one of the main problems seem to be around expectations: When you remember how you and your old love were years ago, often, there are expectations that the two of you will be that same way again, and when this doesn't happen, it's disappointing.

Trying to recapture the love that you and your former partner had all those years ago in just the same way as you had it back then, when you were both young and the world seemed like it was going to be your oyster, can be tricky.

It can be fraught with disappointment if, as you're getting swept up in this romantic reconnection, you forget that time and circumstances have probably changed a lot of things for you and for your old love. Aside from the more superficial changes, like weight gain and wrinkles, along the way, each of you has had many experiences that have probably changed you and your outlook on life to a certain extent.

If you don't take these changes about yourself and your former love into account, you're probably setting yourself up for a fall. Also, you might be faced with whatever unresolved issues thee may have been from the past.

The following vignette, which is a composite of various cases, is an example of a romantic reconnection that started with a lot of excitement and then began to go wrong:

Sally and George:
Sally and George were in a relationship during their last two years of college. At the time, they were very in love and talked about getting married. All of their friends considered them to be "the perfect couple." However, towards the end of their last semester in college, they had a big argument about George joining his father's manufacturing business rather than pursuing his dream to be a teacher, which is all that he talked about while in college--making a difference for young students and helping to shape young minds.

Sally couldn't believe that George would give up his dream and give in to his father's pressure. She was furious. Unlike many teens and young people in their early 20s, George had never gone against his parent's wishes and he didn't know how to tell his father "no."

Sally also didn't want to move to Chicago where George's parents lived. All along, she and George had talked about either living in New York, where she was from, or Boston, a city that they both liked. By the end of the school year, both of them were heart broken about this argument, but neither of them saw a compromise, so they broke up.

Sally moved back to New York. She found a teaching job and an apartment with friends. And George moved back in with his parents and joined his father's firm as an assistant manager.

Neither Sally nor George had any contact again--until 20 years later when George found Sally's name on Facebook. Initially, when they reconnected by email and then by phone, they were both very excited. Both of them were now divorced and available.

Neither of them had children. Sally had been teaching for many years, and George inherited his father's business, sold it for a large profit, and eventually returned to his initial chosen profession, teaching. They both flew back and forth on weekends and holidays to see each other and they were caught up in a whirlwind romance.

After the first six months, George moved to NYC and they moved in together. He obtained a teaching job and things seemed to be going fine.

 However, as the initial excitement began to wear off, they each felt that "something was missing." Neither of them could put their finger on what it was, but they each began to feel vaguely disappointed. They began bickering about little things, and this was even more disappointing.

One day, in the middle of an argument, George said to Sally, "What happened to you? You're not the girl that I knew in college." This was a turning point in their relationship. George regretted saying these words as soon as they left his mouth, and Sally was very hurt. They both still loved each other, but they recognized that their relationship was spiraling down and they didn't know what to do. They decided that, to try to save their relationship, they needed to go to couples counseling.

After several sessions of couples counseling, they realized that they reentered their relationship hoping to find the same people that they were when they were in college but, in reality, both of them had changed somewhat.

They were no longer the idealistic young people that they were and time, their divorces, and other life experiences had changed them. Also, when they broke up in college and all the years since, they were left with the romantic fantasy of what it could have been like if they had stayed together all those years ago.

Now, 20 years later, they were actually living the reality of that experience. And while their experiences together now were generally good, the reality of their life together couldn't live up to the romantic fantasies that had built up in their minds over the years.

Through couples counseling, gradually, Sally and George learned to work out their differences and to let go of unrealistic expectations. They also had to work through the initial disappointment that lead to their break up in college. Sally realized that she had been immature about it all those years ago, and George realized that he wasn't assertive enough to be his own person back then. Within a few months, they became more realistic about their expectations of themselves and each other and their love for each other matured, deepened and reflected who they are now, as individuals as well as a couple.

It's wonderful that we now have ways of reconnecting with old friends and loved ones through the Web. It has provided us with opportunities that we didn't have before for reconnecting with people who were once important in our lives. When these reconnections are romantic, they present special opportunities and some challenges.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner have reconnected romantically after many years and you're facing certain challenges in your relationship, you could benefit from couples counseling with a licensed mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I see individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples who have reconnected romantically to have more fulfilling relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Dealing with Difficult In-laws

We've all heard the jokes and cliches about "the difficult mother-in-law." These jokes, often sexist in nature, are at the expense of the vast majority of mothers-in-law who are nurturing and supportive people with the couples' welfare at heart and who have appropriate boundaries.

But what if you're one of the unlucky people whose in-laws are truly difficult and it's creating havoc in your relationship?

Dealing With Difficult In-Laws

Whether it's your mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law or sister-in-law, a difficult in-law can be very challenging to you and your relationship. Worse still, if your partner refuses to acknowledge the problem or acknowledges it but refuses to do anything about it, you might feel very alone and betrayed by your partner.

Difficulties with in-laws can come in all shapes and sizes: There's the in-law who criticizes how you spend money, the in-law who criticizes your housekeeping or your child rearing practices, the inquisitive in-law who wants to know everything about what's going on in your relationship, the "know it all" in-law who has unsolicited advise on just about everything and feels hurt if you don't follow this advice, and so on.

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

Communicate with your partner:
As I've recommended in prior posts,speak from your own experience. Don't start by criticizing your in-laws or your partner. That will get you nowhere fast. Stay calm and focused. It's better to say, "I feel upset when your mother criticizes how I spend money" than to say, "Your crazy mother always has something to say about how I spend money!" It might be difficult for your partner to hear and don't be surprised if your partner didn't realize that there was a problem. After all, your partner might have spent most of his or her life tuning out your in-laws and might still be tuning them out now.

The relationship must be primary:
Even though you and your partner might each love your own parents and siblings very much, it must be clear that your relationship must come first. That means that if you're having ongoing problems with your in-laws, your partner must speak up, unequivocally, on your behalf and vice versa.

Set clear boundaries:
After you and your partner have talked about the problems and (hopefully) agreed that your relationship must come first, talk about how you want to set clear boundaries with your in-laws, whatever the issues might be--babysitting, holiday visits, or unsolicited advice. Once you and your partner have agreed on these issues, it's up to your partner to communicate this to your in-laws. You must also be prepared to stick with these boundaries because change is difficult and people will often slip back into old behaviors at times.

Dealing with Difficult In-Laws

All of the above assumes that you and your partner can negotiate these issues between you and come to a mutual understanding about them. But what if you can't? What if these issues are eroding and threatening your relationship? At that point, it might be necessary for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor to assist you to overcome these obstacles so you can have a more satisfying relationship.

Working Through Issues With Difficult In-Laws

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.  

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.