Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time to get together with family and friends to celebrate and express gratitude for all that we have in our lives.

Even when we're going through rough times, we can usually find simple things in our lives that we can feel grateful for.

Keeping a gratitude journal where we keep track of the daily blessings in our lives can help to shift our perspective from one of pessimism to a more optimistic point of view.

Taking the time to write down even two or three things we're grateful for each day can help us to notice positive things that we might otherwise take for granted.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy and safe Thanksgiving.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006.

5 Tips For Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be

If there's one thing that's clear during this global pandemic, it's that things don't always go as planned  and when you're faced with a crisis, you need to find ways to cope (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis and Fear and Anxiety During a Crisis).

Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be

By the time you become an adult, you've had experiences, both big and small, of being surprised and disappointed when you thought things would go a certain way and they didn't.

Whether these surprises and disappointments were due to people in your life not keeping their commitments or sudden changes in plans or events, you've had to deal with things changing in a way that you didn't want or expect.

Learning to Let Go: 5 Tips on Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be:
When it's obvious that there's nothing you can do to change these circumstances, it becomes a matter of learning to let go of your expectations.

When it's a big disappointment, letting go can be a long process.  It doesn't happen overnight because losses, especially big losses, are challenging.  You need to allow yourself to go through the grief and sadness and whatever fear and anxiety it might bring up for you.

5 Helpful Tips For Letting Go

• Allow Yourself to Go Through the 5 Stages of Grief (see my article:  The 5 Stages of Grief).
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Despair or Depression
• Acceptance

• This process isn't linear and you don't necessarily go from one stage directly to another. You can experience these stages in any order and go back and forth between stages.
• Certain events or memories can also bring you back to the stages of grief, such as an anniversary of the death of a close relative or a birthday.  
• Be kind and patient with yourself (see my article: Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

• Acknowledge the Loss and, When You're Ready, Practice Gratitude
• Rather than sweeping your feelings under the rug, acknowledge that your disappointment is a loss.
• When you're ready, try to remember positive things in other areas of your life where you feel grateful.  You might not be ready to see or acknowledge these things while you're dealing with a big loss.  But, eventually, it might get easier for you to look at them without denying the feelings for your loss (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Ask Yourself If Your Expectations Are Realistic
• While it's true that you might not always know what's realistic and what's not, there might be times when you have expectations of someone who disappointed you multiple times in the past, and you keep hoping and expecting this person will fulfill your expectations each time.
• Recognize the difference between hope and expectations. You might hope you won't be disappointed again by someone who disappointed you repeatedly in the past, but you're not accepting the reality of your situation. You're setting yourself up.
• Having expectations of someone who is either unwilling or unable to meet them is a guarantee for disappointment and hurt.

• Remember Other Times When Things Changed For the Better
• When you first experience a disappointment, you don't always see the silver lining.  Sometimes, it takes time to look back on a situation and see that even though you didn't get what you wanted, eventually things turned out better.
• For example, maybe you lost a job in the past, but then you decided to pivot and go for the career that you really wanted instead of settling for the job you had.

• Set Boundaries With People Who Constantly Disappoint You
• Rather than trying to control or manipulate someone into doing what you want, learn to accept that you won't get what you want from this person and set boundaries with them.
• Setting boundaries will mean different things in different situations (see my article: Setting Boundaries).
• For instance, if you're seeing someone who can't make a commitment to be in a relationship, don't settle for less than you want (see my article: Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problem Making a Commitment?).

Getting Help in Therapy

There are times when, despite your best efforts, you have problems letting go of your expectations.  This might be because the current situation is related to experiences from your past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences From the Past).

If you're having problems letting go, you could benefit from working with a licensed therapist who has experience helping clients overcome this problem.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth, while they're out of the office due to the COVID-19 crisis (see my article:  The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Contacting a therapist for help is often the first step to freeing yourself from obstacles that are keeping you stuck.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy during the COVID-19 pandemic.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

5 Tips For Bouncing Back From Routine Disappointments

Everyone experiences routine disappointments at some point in life (see my article: Are You Overreacting to Routine Disappointments?).  Disappointments are unavoidable.  The question isn't whether you will be disappointed but how well you can bounce back from disappointments.  The better you get at moving on from routine disappointments, the more resilient you become (see my article: Resilience: Bouncing Back From Life's Challenges).  In this article, I'm going to provide tips for rebounding from routine disappointments.

Bouncing Back From Routine Disappointments

5 Tips to Bounce Back From Routine Disappointments

• Focus on Gratitude:  Although you might be disappointed about what you didn't get or that life is unfair, you probably have other areas in your life that are positive.  So, rather than focusing on what you don't have, focus on what you do have.  It might sound trite, but it will shift your mood, which is what you need to bounce back from a disappointment and not to wallow in it so that it colors everything in your life (see my articles: Is It Possible to Feel Gratitude Even When You're Sad?, Keeping a Gratitude Journal, and Getting Out of a Rut.

• Exercise at a Pace That's Right For You:  Movement helps to shift your mood.  Whether it's a sport, yoga or other types of exercise, movement will help you to lift your spirits (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?).

• Give Yourself Credit For Coping As Best As You Can:  Making any kind of effort after a routine disappointment deserves recognition, including self recognition.  Too often people don't give themselves credit for being able to handle disappointing situations.  As part of your self recognition, remember other times when you got through routine disappointments and how these disappointments didn't have a major impact on your life.

• Use Humor to Shift Your Attention and Lift Your Mood:  Watching funny movies, TV programs or listening or telling funny stories will release neurochemicals in your brain to shift your mood.  Don't underestimate what a change humor can make to help you to bounce back.  Having others join you can increase the benefit of using humor because humor is contagious.  Have you ever been in a crowd where people were laughing uproariously and you didn't even know what they were laughing about but their laughter made you laugh?  If so, then you know how powerful it can be to be in a group where there is humor.

• Set Goals For the Important Areas of Your Life:  Rather than focusing on your disappointment and what you don't have, take some time to reflect on what you want for your future in each area of your life (personal life, career, and so on).  Then, set broad goals for how you plan to succeed in each area.  After you write down your broad goals, narrow it down by writing what you need to do in the next year (or longer), what you need to do in the next six months, in the next month, next week, etc., so you make the steps concrete and realizable (see my article: What's Holding You Back From Achieving Your Goals?).

What If It's a Major Disappointment?
Notice that, until now, I've been emphasizing routine disappointments.  Routine disappointments are things that everyone faces in one way or another fairly often.

In other words, routine disappointments aren't life changing.  But there are disappointments that are much more significant and that are harder to overcome.

For instance, if you found out that a close friend that you trusted betrayed you, that's a major disappointment, especially if it causes an unbridgeable breach in your friendship (see my article: Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal).

To overcome major disappointments, all of the tips that I mentioned can be helpful, especially when you focus on what you're grateful for in life, but those tips aren't going to be enough for you to bounce back quickly because a major disappointment goes deep and hurts a lot.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find that you're having a hard time rebounding from a disappointment, you might need help from a psychotherapist to work through the disappointment, especially a major disappointment (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

A major disappointment, like a betrayal of a spouse or a friend, can make you feel like your whole world is falling apart.  It can make you question your beliefs and your judgment.  It might even result in your questioning your plans and what you want to do in life.

Rather than suffering on your own, you could benefit from the emotional support and clinical expertise of a licensed mental health professional.   A skilled psychotherapist can help you overcome a major disappointment more effectively than you could on your own, so you can eventually move on with your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to overcome major disappointments so they could go on to live fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

In prior articles, I addressed loneliness and social isolation from various perspectives (see my articles: On Being Alone and Solitude vs. Loneliness).  In this article, I'm focusing on steps that you can take to overcome loneliness.

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

• Stay in the Present: It's so easy to ruminate about the past and things you think you did wrong, but as long as you continue to hold onto the past, you're not allowing yourself to be in the present.  Make an effort to let go of mistakes that you made and resentments you have against others.

• Keep a Gratitude Journal (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Find Meaning and Purpose in Life: Rather than focusing on how lonely you are, think about what you can do make someone else's life better.  Maybe you can volunteer for a community group or in the local school.  When you feel you have a purpose in life, it helps you to feel more fulfilled and less lonely and isolated (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life).

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness: Get Active

• Get Active:  Running, walking, doing yoga or other healthy activities can help you to have more of a sense of well-being (always check with your doctor before you start any new physical activity).

• Discover a New Social Group:  Whether it's the local book club or some other social group, being part of a group where there's a shared interest can help to enliven you and increase your social network.

• Learn to Play Again: Humor and comedy can be so healing.  Whether you watch a funny movie, read a humorous book or find other ways to increase humor and playfulness in your life, learning to play again is an important step towards helping to decrease your sense of loneliness.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when you've tried everything on your own to overcome loneliness, but longstanding unresolved psychological problems get in your way.

If this is the case, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to discover the possible underlying issues that keep you lonely and isolated.

Rather than continuing to be frustrated by obstacles in your way, working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the impediments that are keeping you lonely and isolated so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is It Possible to Feel Gratitude Even When You're Sad?

I've written prior articles about gratitude for this psychotherapy blog (see: Psychotherapy, Balance and Gratitude,  Keeping a Gratitude Journal, The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Spouse and Being in the Present Moment).  I'm focusing on a particular topic relating to gratitude in this article, which is a question that often comes up in therapy:  Is is possible to feel gratitude even when you're sad?

Is It Possible To Feel Gratitude Even When You're Sad?

It might sound pollyanaish or naive to talk about feeling grateful when you feel sad.  But cultivating an attitude of gratefulness on a regular basis helps you, especially during the times when you're not at your best.

Why is this?  Well, when you develop the ability to find things in your life that you can be grateful for, you're developing a particular skill that will help you during good times and bad.

In many ways, it's easier to focus on the things that aren't going well in your life and, at any given time, you might have numerous challenges.

But if you have developed a habit of looking for the positive things, the things that are going well in your life, no matter how small, it helps to alleviate some of the emotional pain that you might be going through.

Is It Possible to Feel Gratitude Even When You're Sad?

Developing a habit of noticing things to be grateful for doesn't mean that you're trying to deny that you have problems or that you're upset or depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?)

It's a way of getting a bigger perspective about your life and the people in your life that includes the challenges as well as the positive aspects.

So, how to you do this?

How to Begin to Develop the Ability to Notice Positive Aspects of Your Life:

If you've never tried to develop the ability to find the positive things in your life to be grateful for, you can start in small ways by jotting down things that were positive each day.  

Make a List:

This list can be as simple as the smallest things:  

• Someone smiled at you and lifted your spirits for a moment.
• You heard your favorite song.
• You remembered a happy memory.
• You heard from a friend.
• You noticed a job online that you could apply for to get out of your current job.
• Someone complimented you.
• You found a parking space easily.
• The sales assistant in the store was helpful to you.

Keeping a Gratitude List

And so on.

Getting into the habit of noticing the positive aspects of your life each day helps you to begin to be attuned to these experiences on a regular basis.

It can also help you to realize that, even though you might be sad, life is complex and good feelings can still coexist with sad feelings.

Once you've begun to notice that there are usually at least one or two things that make you feel good and that you can appreciate, you can learn to deepen these feelings by using the mind-body connection.

Using the Mind-Body Connection to Deepen Your Sense of Gratitude

It's not unusual, especially if you're feeling sad, to notice positive aspects of your day and experience them in only an intellectual way.

Experiencing something in an intellectual way is very different from feeling it on an emotional and physical level.

One way to go from experiencing these positive aspects from purely an intellectual perspective to deepening the feeling to an emotional and physical level is to use the mind-body connection.

One method that I use with my therapy clients when they're starting therapy is called "internal resource building."

When we're engaged in internal resource building (also known as developing coping skills), I ask clients to bring in 10 positive memories from their life, no matter how long ago it was and no matter how fleeting the memory might be.  If they can't come up with 10, I'll use whatever they bring in and that's just fine.

I ask the client to close her eyes, get back into the memory and notice what emotions and sensations she feels in her body.  Then, we use some form of what is called "bilateral stimulation" (from EMDR Therapy) to reinforce that feeling.

The bilateral stimulation can be done with "tappers" (one tapper in each hand) that provide alternate or bilateral buzzing in each hand.  This is done for only a few seconds to focus on the positive aspect of the memory and to try to prevent negative aspects from coming up so the memory remains positive.

Since you won't have tappers, you can use another EMDR therapy technique, which is alternate tapping.  Alternate tapping, which is a form of bilateral stimulation can be done by using your hands to gently tap, and it can be done in several ways:  

• Alternate tapping of your leg--right leg, then left leg, back and forth (see Laurel Parnell's Book, Tapping In).
• The "Butterfly Tap" where you cross your arms in front of your chest and do alternate taps of your upper arms
• Bilateral music that goes from one ear to the other (see Bilateral Music).

The idea is that you're focusing on the positive emotion that you're feeling in your body, and this helps to strengthen the positive feelings.  

By strengthening the positive feelings, your experience of gratitude usually goes from an intellectual experience to a felt sense of gratitude.

It also provides you with a reprieve from your sadness.

So, to answer the question that I posed at the beginning of this article:  Yes, it is possible to feel both sadness and gratitude, but it can be challenging to feel gratitude when you're overcome with depression or unresolved trauma.  At that point, you might need the help of an experienced psychotherapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

There's a difference from feeling sad and feeling depressed.

When you're depressed, it's harder to access positive feelings and gratitude and you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise is helping clients to over come depression.

Depression is episodic and you can have multiple episodes throughout your life.  Getting help from a mental health professional can help you to overcome these depressive episodes so that they are shorter than they would be without help.

Getting help in therapy also helps you to develop the necessary coping skills to help you lead a more fulfilling life (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you've tried to cultivate an ability to feeling grateful, but emotional problems or a history of trauma are hindering you, rather than suffering alone, find a skilled therapist to help you through these challenges.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and adults.

I have over 20 years of experience as a therapist and I helped many clients to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Unrealistic Expectations to Always "Feel Good" Contribute to Depression

Depression is one of the most common problems that bring people into therapy.  Despite all the new antidepressant medications, which were touted to be "the answer" to the problem, depression continues to rise in the US.

How Unrealistic Expectations to Always "Feel Good" Contribute to Depression

Depression manifests in variety of ways for different people on a spectrum from "low mood" to full blown major depressive disorder that can be incapacitating for people suffering with it.

As I discussed in a previous article, people who feel depressed often blame themselves for feeling low (see my article:  Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed).  This is due, in part, to a societal distortion of thinking that we "should" feel happy all or most of the time and if we're not feeling happy, it must be our fault.  Needless to say, for people who are feeling depressed, this adds to their emotional burden.

I think there are many reasons, too many to enumerate here, for the increase in depression, including an increase in loneliness, social isolation and an overall decrease in life satisfaction.

An Increase in Social Isolation and Loneliness Contributes to Depression

Connecting with other people in a meaningful way after college is more difficult now, it seems to me, than ever before.  After college, making friends and finding a romantic partner can be a daunting process these days.

While it's true that you can "meet" many more people online than you ever could in person, for most people, there's something awkward and emotionally disconnected about "meeting" people online.  That being said, I also know many people who met their spouses online.

The Pursuit of Happiness and Having "More"
Although I think there are many contributing factors to the increase in depression, I'd like to focus on one that seems pervasive in our society--the expectation that all of us "should" be "feeling good" all the time, and if we don't, there's something wrong.

How the Continual Pursuit of Happiness and Having "More" Can Increase Depression

The pursuit of happiness is a fundamental part of our society in the US and in other parts of the world.  There are more self help books, motivational workshops and online courses about "feeling good" and becoming happy than ever before.  It's a booming business because of how increasingly dissatisfied and unhappy people are feeling.

This focus on happiness and "feeling good" all the time comes at a time when we're telling children that they can "be whatever they want to be" regardless of their circumstances, their effort, their talent or aptitude. It's made to so sound easy and there is no end to the success stories that are used to show children that "anything is possible."

While these strategies are meant to be motivational, it often becomes discouraging when children grow up to be adults who thought it would be easy and then realize that it actually takes, at the very least, hard work, perseverance, preparation and skills as well as some luck to succeed.

So, what happens when expectations to always "feel good" meet with a very different reality?  For many people, who hold onto this expectation, it often means that they push themselves even harder to pursue their idea of happiness without really contemplating what they're pursuing and if it will really make them happy.

For Many People the Pursuit of Happiness Often Means the Pursuit of Money

The pursuit will often involve an acquisitiveness of wanting "more"--more money, more possessions, more prestige, more "likes" on their Facebook page, and so on.  This can become a mindless, vicious cycle where, even when someone gets "more," it feels empty and increases the drive to seek "more" of whatever it is he or she is pursuing (see my article:  Is That All There Is? When "Having It All" Leaves You Feeling Empty).

Contemplating What is Meaningful
For many people, this can lead to depression because this pursuit for "feeling good" and having "more" is endless.  For those who are able to stop and reassess their lives, they have an opportunity to reflect on what's really meaningful and question whether they've been running on an endlessly turning wheel and going nowhere (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life).

Unfortunately, many people never get to this stage and remain on the wheel.  The faster they run, the more happiness eludes them.

For other people, symptoms of depression, which can stop them in their tracks, brings them to therapy and to reassess their lives, their expectations and what's really meaningful to them.

Contemplating What is Meaningful

If they stick with it and therapy goes well, they develop an understanding that they're not always going to feel happy, "feeling low" at certain times in life is common and it doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong with them.

Therapy can help with an exploration of what might be unrealistic expectations as well as what's truly meaningful in life which, in the long run, is more significant than focusing on being happy all the time and having "more."

Therapy can also help you to be grateful for what you have.

Discovering what is meaningful in your life is often neither quick nor easy, but it can be the most worthwhile pursuit of your life.

In a future article, I'll continue to explore this topic and give a composite scenario to illustrate some of the points that I've discussed here.

Getting Help in Therapy
People don't often stop in their daily lives for self exploration and to consider what's meaningful.

Among its many benefits, psychotherapy provides you with an opportunity to stop doing what's not working for you, explore what's meaningful, and develop the skills and capacity to create a more meaningful life.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're feeling lost or dissatisfied with your life, you could benefit from seeing a psychotherapist who can help you to discover what's meaningful to you so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Nurturing Your Relationship

Being in a relationship can be one of the most loving, gratifying and fulfilling experiences of your life. It can also be challenging.  Every relationship has its ups and downs.  Whether you're going through a good time or a challenging time, it's important to remember that all relationships need nurturing.

Nurturing Your Relationship

Often, people who are in relationships, especially long term relationships, forget that their relationship needs love and care.  Nurturing each other can make the difference between a relationship surviving a rough patch or not.

Here are some tips for nurturing your relationship:

Communicate in a Tactful and Honest Way
In the heat of an argument, it's easy to forget to be tactful.  And, yet, you might regret something that you say that you can't take back once it's out.  Even if you need to take a break from a heated argument, it's important to treat your spouse with respect and care.
See my article: The Challenge of Keeping Small Arguments From Developing Into Big Conflicts in Your Relationship

Provide Each Other with Emotional Support
Listening with empathy can make all the difference even if you can't change whatever your spouse is going through.  You both need to be there for each other.

Show Compassion
During difficult times, your relationship can degenerate fast if you're each blaming each other for your problems.  Put yourself in your spouse's shoes and think about how you would want him or her to respond in a similar situation and then show the same compassion that you would want.
See my article: Relationships: Moving Beyond the Blame Game

Express Gratitude
It's easy to take each other for granted, especially in a long term relationship.  No one wants to feel taken for granted, so express your gratitude to your spouse for the things s/he does or says
See my article:  Relationships: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Spouse

Persevere Through Difficult Times
Along with providing each other with emotional support, it's important that you both remain committed to each other when things start to get rough.  Of course, this doesn't mean that you should put up with abusive behavior.  But, under normal circumstances, when life presents challenges in your relationship, your attitude to see it through together is important.

Admit When You're Wrong
If you realize that you've made a mistake, it's important to admit it, make amends and move on.  Holding onto an attitude of "I'm right" when you know you made a mistake will only make matters worse
See my article:  Relationships: The Courage to Admit You're Wrong

Have a Sense of Humor
In many situations, seeing the funny side of a situation can help lighten the mood and help you and your spouse to deal with a difficult situation.

Share Common Goals
One of the signs of a happy, healthy relationship is that both people share certain common goals.  This helps to make your relationship more meaningful.

Create Special Times Together
It's very easy to get bogged down with responsibilities and family obligations, but you and your spouse need to have time together for just the two of you.
See my article:  Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

Nurturing Your Relationship:  Creating Special Times Together

Be Open to New Shared Experiences
It's easy to get into a rut in a long term relationship, so being open to new shared experiences can keep your relationship alive and fun.
See my article:  Being Open to New Experiences

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when couples go through tough times when they're unable to work things out for themselves.  During those times, it can be helpful to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping couples to work through their problems.

When you seek help, you're acknowledging to each other that your relationship is important enough to make the commitment to attending couples counseling.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Partner

As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, one of the most common complaints I hear from people in relationships is that they feel unappreciated by their spouses or partners. They talk about how they feel taken for granted because their partners don't express their gratitude for the many big and little things they do. This occurs in many relationships, especially long-term relationships.

The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Spouse

It's Easy to Take Your Spouse For Granted Over Time

It's easy to see how this can occur over time. When we're dating, we're on our best behavior. The relationship is new and exciting. We're learning new things all the time about the other person. We're more likely, at that point, to express gratitude and appreciation.

But as time goes on and we settle into a long-term relationship and our lives become somewhat more routine, we often forget the kindness and gratitude we expressed early on. Often, it's not even that we don't feel grateful--it's more that we forget to say it.

Don't Assume That Your Spouse Knows How You Feel

During couples counseling, when one of the people in the relationship raises this issue, the other person will usually say, "Of course, I'm grateful for everything she does. But why do I need to say it?  She should know..."

Take the Time to Express and Show Your Gratitude to Your Spouse
And, while it's true that the partner might know on some level, it's important to actually say it. We usually express gratitude to other people in our lives.

The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Spouse: Take the Time to Express and Show Your Gratitude

Why wouldn't we express gratitude to the person we care about most?

It takes so little time and effort to let our loved ones know that who they are to us and the things they do are meaningful to us.

Taking this time to express gratitude can make such a difference to your spouse and to the well-being of your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others

All of us compare ourselves to others at one time or another.  From the time we're born, someone is comparing us to others--if we were bigger or smaller than our siblings, how we behaved compared to other babies, and so on.  The comparisons continue throughout childhood ("Why can't you be more like your brother?").  So, is it any wonder that many people spend their lives comparing themselves unfavorably with others? 

Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others

The problem is that when you make a habit out of comparing yourself unfavorably to others, you make yourself feel inadequate:

• "She's so much thinner than I am."
• "He makes more money than I do."
• "He's funnier than I am."
• "She's prettier than I am."

When you find yourself always on the losing end of the comparison, you're reinforcing a negative habit that will keep you immersed in shame.

Some Tips to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably With Others:

• Recognize that everyone is different and each of us has unique qualities.

• Be aware that, even though you might think that you're being "objective" in your comparisons, people often project their own sense of self doubt into their comparisons.

• Transform feelings of envy toward others into admiration, and if there's something that you can learn from someone that might help you to make a positive change, be open to discovering it.

Learn to Develop a Sense of Gratitude 

When you allow yourself to be consumed by envy, you're making yourself miserable.  Envy can be very corrosive, and it has a way of feeding on itself.

If you're constantly comparing yourself to people that you think have more than you do, try comparing yourself to others who have less.  When you recognize that you might be more fortunate than many other people, you have an opportunity to develop a sense of gratitude for what you do have rather than yearning for what you don't.  

Keep a gratitude journal where every day you write down three things that you're grateful for--no matter how small.  This will help to realize how many things you have to be grateful for in your life that you might be overlooking.

A Worthy Challenge:  From Envy to Gratitude

Changing an ingrained habit isn't easy.  But changing an ingrained negative habit of comparing yourself unfavorably to others and developing a sense of gratitude for what you do have is worth the effort.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Certain ingrained habits are difficult to change on your own, especially when longstanding habits are rooted in shame.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that you can't overcome on your own, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Living Fully in the Present Moment

Why is living fully in the present moment so hard?  Everyone has different ideas about this.  I believe that most of us tend to focus our thoughts mostly in the past or in the future and relatively little time living in the here and now.

Living Fully in the Present Moment

Living Mostly in the Past or in the Future
For people who live in the past, they often dwell on how life was for them during particular times in their lives.  They might focus on times when they thought life was better.  There's often a yearning to get back to that time, if it was a special time in their lives.  Or, especially when there's been emotional trauma, they might focus on emotional upsets from the past and dwell on them.  Trauma often keeps people stuck in the past if the trauma hasn't been worked through in therapy.

For people who live in the future, they often dwell on thoughts of how they would like to live their lives.  They might spend a lot of time fantasizing about a new relationship, a better job and, overall, living a happier life.  Conversely, they might spend most of their time worrying about the future.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with thinking about your past or your hopes for the future.  It's important to learn from the past and to plan for the future.  But the problem is that when you tend to dwell on these thoughts most of the time, you're not living fully in the present moment and you're missing out on what's going on around you right now, including  your relationships and your environment.  And, by dwelling mostly on the past or the future, you're probably not in touch with your inner emotional world as it is right now.  And dwelling on the past or the future can be a way of escaping from the here and now.

Precious Moments - Even During Difficult Times
I believe that even during difficult times, there can be precious moments that we can miss if we're not attuned to what's happening in the here and now.  It's very easy (and understandable) that when times are tough, we tend to focus on our worries.  Our thoughts might run wild about all the things that could go wrong.  We can get distracted and disorganized, which creates its own problems.  Then, we miss out on what might be precious gems of moments even during an otherwise turbulent time.

Living Fully in the Present Moment

Recently, a close relative was rushed to the emergency room because he was having a heart attack.  Like most people, as I was rushing to the hospital, my first thoughts went to the worst case scenario.  I hailed a cab and told him how to get to the hospital, which was about 30 minutes away from my home.  Instead of following my directions, the cab driver told me he knew of a faster route, so I agreed to go his way.  But, instead of being a faster route, he got lost and, worse still, we were going in the wrong direction.  Then, we got caught in a lot of traffic.

It took all the self discipline that I could muster to stay calm and not lose it with this taxi driver.  All the while, I was worried about getting to the hospital too late.   I had to continually bring my mind back to the present and remember to breathe.  I knew that getting upset wasn't going to help me or the cab driver.

Finally, he was able to turn around and follow my original suggestion for getting to the hospital and we were soon there.  As I reached into my wallet to pay the driver, he looked back at me with kind eyes.  He apologized for getting us lost and told me that he wouldn't charge me for the ride.  In that brief moment, when we made eye contact, I could see that he had a lot of compassion and I sensed from his few words that he understood what I was going through.  It was just a moment in an otherwise chaotic situation, but it was meaningful to me, and I was grateful for it.

During the days when my relative was in the cardiac care unit (CCU), there were other special moments in an otherwise distressful situation, including the care and kindness of the nurses and doctors on staff.  Most of them had worked together as a team on CCU for many years and they seemed to have such a camaraderie among them, which I was very grateful for.  They were very compassionate and skilled in their work.  They also took the time to explain things carefully and in simple terms.  Each night I left the CCU when visiting hours were over, I was able to console myself with the thought that my relative was getting the best of care from people who were concerned about his well being.

There were other moments where friends and a relative that I hadn't seen in many years visited the CCU and brought poignant moments of laughter and comfort.  Getting caught up and feeling rooted in a strong emotional support system gave comfort to my relative who had the heart attack and to me.  It reminded me that, even during very difficult times, there can be precious moments that we could miss if we remain distracted in our thoughts and not living in the present moment.

Fortunately, my relative is on the road to recovery, and he has a very good medical team in place for after care.  His medical emergency was another reminder of how precious life and our relationships with our loved ones are, and how easily we can forget this when we're stuck in our particular default mode of going through life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Keeping a Gratitude Journal

A gratitude journal is a daily diary where you write about the people, places and events in your life that you feel grateful about.

Keeping a Gratitude Journal

It can change your perspective about your life and the world around you, especially when you are feeling down or if you have developed a habit of looking at yourself and the world in a negative way.

It's Easy to Keep a Gratitude Journal
At the end of the day, write down 5 things that you feel grateful about. At first, you might feel that this would be a waste of time, but I invite you to do it for a week.

Even if, at first, you come up with two things, overtime, as you continue this process, you will probably begin to notice that you will come up with more and more items to write in your daily gratitude journal.

Your journal entries can be as basic as being grateful for the food you eat, your clothing, that you have a roof over your head or that you are alive.

How Can Keeping a Gratitude Journal Help You?
Keeping a gratitude journal helps you to be more aware of your view of yourself and the world around you:

• Do you tend to see things as being mostly negative? 
• Is the glass always half empty rather than half full? 
• Do you tend to engage in all-or-nothing thinking? 
• Are you overlooking the blessings in your life, no matter how simple they might be? 
• Have you taken for granted friends and family who are loving and supportive?

As your awareness expands with your gratitude journal, you can learn to let go of negative patterns of thinking that have held you back.

You may begin to feel more inspired to open yourself up to new opportunities. 

Remember, this is a process. Many of my clients have used a gratitude journal with success. It has helped them to overcome old negative habits that have kept them stuck and allowed them to have more of what they want in their lives.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Peace with the Aging Process

Making peace with the aging process isn't always easy.  Several months ago, I was with a friend (I'll call her Betty, which isn't here real name).  Betty, who was about to turn 60, showed me photographs of herself when she was in her 20s and 30s.  She was reminiscing about those earlier days, lamenting  the aging process, and wishing she was a young, slim and attractive as she appeared in her earlier photos.  

A week later, we were together for her 60th birthday bash.  Surrounded by her husband, family, and friends, Betty was beaming with happiness and appreciation.  One by one, her husband, daughters and friends stood up and made toasts to her.

Making Peace With the Aging Process

Then, Betty's 85 year old mother, Joan, stood up to make a toast.  Still vibrant and in good health, she made a poignant toast to Betty, thanking her for being such a wonderful daughter, wife, mother, and friend to everyone at the party.  Then, she also talked about how happy and grateful she felt to be alive, in good health, curious and still learning new things almost every day.

Afterwards, I spoke to Joan to find out more about her wonderful attitude towards life in general and the aging process in particular.  She told me that she approached every day with a sense of openness and curiosity.  She remained involved in her hobbies and interests, and she maintained close friendships.  

She let go of petty resentments and forgave people who had hurt her.  She hardly spent time thinking about getting old.  Of course, she had lost her husband and many dear friends along the way, which was hard, so she wasn't in denial about her age or that she would die one day.  But she felt she still had a lot to look forward to and a lot to offer, so she didn't want to waste her time worrying about getting older and death.

Living in a culture that's obsessed with youth and good looks, it's hard not to be affected by worries about the aging process.   This is why I was so impressed with Joan's positive attitude about aging and her philosophy about life.  I thought how wonderful it would be if we could all approach the aging process with such openness and grace.   

I recently had a chance to speak with Betty about her party and, in particular, what her mother had to say about aging.  Betty said she had also been reflecting on it.  She said she also realized how much she had to be grateful for.  She had a loving husband and family, good friends, and good health.  She was  gainfully employed and loved her work.  

After hearing her mother speak at her party, Betty said she made a commitment to herself to stay focused on how lucky she is and to appreciate all the inner resources and strengths she developed over the years. She said when she was in her 20s and 30s, she was filled with self doubt and apprehension about the future.  It wasn't until she was in her 40s that she began to develop a degree of self confidence.  She told me that she wouldn't go back to how she felt when she was younger for anything in the world.

Remembering our self worth as mature adults can be challenging when we're bombarded on a daily basis by messages that it's better to be young and good looking.  Sometimes, we need good friends or supportive family members to remind us of who we really are inside, where it counts the most.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcoming the Morning Blues

If you struggle with the morning blues, you're not alone.  Millions of people wake up in the morning and want to go right back to sleep because they find it hard to face the day.  Assuming you've gotten enough sleep, the temptation to go back to sleep can be a way to avoid facing the day.  For many people who are confronted with the morning blues, their attitude is "Why bother?"  They have a sense of purposelessness. But you can overcome the morning blues by changing the way you approach the start of your day.

Overcoming the Morning Blues

One way to overcome the morning blues and that negative inner voice that can be so self defeating is to start each day with something that will inspire you.

Overcoming the Morning Blues

You'll need to plan this ahead of time so that when you wake up, it's available to you when you wake up.  For each person this will be different.  It can include:

Read an Inspiring Passage:
Many people find it uplifting to read an inspiring passage, whether it's spiritual material from one of the many One Day at a Time books or other reading material.

Overcoming the Morning Blues: Read an Inspiring Passage, Write Down Your Dreams, Set an Intention for the Day

Starting your day by reading an inspiring passage can change your attitude for the day and challenge your negative self thoughts.

Write Down Your Dreams:
Rather than giving in to that "Why bother?" negative inner voice, wake up with the goal that you'll write down your dreams.  

The best time to write down your dreams is when you first wake up.  If you keep a pad and pen by your bed and tell yourself before you go to sleep that you want to remember your dreams, you're more likely to remember your dreams.  Your dreams can provide you with interesting insights into yourself.  Some people discover that they become more in touch with their intuition once they start paying attention to their dreams.

Set the Tone with an Intention for the Day:
This is something you can decide before you go to sleep.  Alternatively, you can give yourself the suggestion before you go to sleep that you want to wake up with an intention for the day (see my article:  The Power of Starting the Day with an Intention).

Either way, having an intention for the day gives you a sense of meaning and purpose.  For instance, if your intention for the day is to be more compassionate, you can observe yourself throughout the day:  Are you getting impatient and angry with your coworkers?  Are you getting irritated with other drivers on the road?  Instead of being impatient and irritated, how might your attitude be different if you were more compassionate and put yourself in the other person's shoes for a moment?

Practice Morning Meditation:
Taking even just a few minutes every morning to start your day with morning meditation can change how you feel when you wake up and your attitude throughout your day (see my article: Wellness: Safe Place Meditation).

If you're new to meditation, there are many meditation CDs or downloads that can lead you through a guided meditation if that's what you would prefer.  You can also just spend a few minutes with your eyes closed observing your thoughts.  Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, just see it go by like a cloud passing in the sky.  Don't hold onto it.

Practice Yoga:
Whether you go to a yoga class to begin your day, which I highly recommend, or you do a few yoga poses on your own, beginning your day with yoga poses can be an uplifting way to start your day.  Not only will you quiet your mind, but you will feel more relaxed and refreshed.

Volunteer in Your Community:
When you wake up with the intention of helping others, you're less likely to be consumed with negative self thoughts.

Overcoming the Morning Blues: Volunteer in Your Community

There are many nonprofit organizations that need volunteers.  Not only is it a good feeling to be helping others, but you also can often feel gratitude for what you have in your own life.

Keep a gratitude journal:
Before you go to sleep each night, you can write down things you feel grateful for in your life.  They don't need to be big things.  They can be about the simple things in life that you might usually overlook: finding a parking space without having to drive around for a long time, hearing from a good friend, eating a delicious meal, and so on (see my article: Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

Overcoming the Morning Blues: Keep a Gratitude Journal

If you get into the habit of writing down at least three things every night, you'll begin to sensitize yourself to all the things you can feel grateful for in your life.  When you do this before you go to sleep, it can set the tone for when you wake up.

Overcoming the morning blues can be challenging, but not impossible.  Often, it's a matter of overcoming habitual negative thinking.  In other words, it's possible that the morning blues has become an unconscious habit that can be overcome with new positive habits.

Getting Help in Therapy
These are some ideas about how you can overcome the morning blues.  If rather than the morning blues you're feeling depressed, these ideas can be helpful.  But if they're not and your feelings of sadness and purposelessness last more than two weeks, you should seek the help of a licensed mental health practitioner who has experiencing working with clients who are depressed.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.