Can Modern Day Age-Gap Relationships Last?

The term "age-gap relationships" refers to relationships where the age difference is at least 10 years or more.  These type of relationships are also called "May-December" relationships.

Age-Gap Relationship: Older Woman With Younger Man

Growing Social Acceptance, But There is Still Some Social Disapproval

There is growing social acceptance for age-gap relationships because many people believe that "age is just a number." They don't see the age difference as a deal breaker.  

In addition, people are generally living longer and healthier lives so they can enter into new relationships more easily than people from past generations.

There are also famous examples of relationships where there is a large age gap, including French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife, Brigitte, who is almost 25 years older than him. And, as of this writing, they have been married for 15 years.  

Despite growing acceptance, there is still significant social disapproval and a stigma against age-gap relationships.  An individual's sex, culture and age are determining factors as to whether someone approves or disapproves of these relationships.

Although most people prefer to be with someone close to their own age, in the Western world, it has been estimated that approximately 8% of heterosexual relationships are age-gap relationships with an age difference of 10 years or more.  

Historically, age-gap relationships have involved older men with younger women.  But there are now more older women and younger men who are entering into these relationships (see my articles: Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

There are also gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender age-gap relationships, but there's not as much research about them.  Hopefully, there will be more research in the future.

Why is There Still a Stigma Against Age-Gap Relationships?

A stigma still exists based on a long history of suspicion about relationships where there is a big age difference.  

Age-Gap Relationships: Younger Woman With Older Man

The most common reason for this stigma is the perception that one of the people (either older or younger) is using and taking advantage of the other person.

If it's an older man and a younger woman, many people believe he's "creepy" and going through a midlife crisis, and she's a "gold digger."  

If it's an older woman and a younger man, many people believe that he's a "gold digger" and she's having a midlife crisis and trying to recapture her youth.

Underlying some of this judgement and criticism might be a lack of understanding about what brings two people together--regardless of their chronological age.

In addition, there might also be an element of envy among people who are living a more conventional life and who secretly wish they could live outside the confines of tradition.

What Are the Possible Advantages and Disadvantages of Age-Gap Relationships

It's important to recognize that, just like any two people, the individuals in an age-gap relationship are unique individuals in particular circumstances.  So, what works for one couple might not work for another.  

At the same time, generally speaking, there can be certain challenges and benefits to these relationships.

    

    Possible Challenges:

• Different Life Stages:  This is probably the biggest perceived challenge of age-gap relationships.  Although this isn't necessarily a challenge for every relationship where there is a big age difference, it can be a challenge for others.  For instance, there is often a challenge if one person wants to have children and the other has already had children and doesn't want any more or they are unable to have children due to age (although there are now medical advances to address infertility and other options, like adoption).  If children aren't a consideration, different life stages can be easier for the couple to negotiate.

• Power Dynamics: When there's a significant age difference, there could be problems with power dynamics with the older person, who has more life experience and who might have more money and professional success, having more power in the relationship than the younger person (regardless of sex, race or sexual orientation).  However, this is an issue that can be worked out if the couple is aware of it, communicates well and makes an effort to change it.

    Possible Benefits:

• Living Longer: Some people in age-gap relationships live longer.  This might be due to a healthier outlook on life as well as a younger partner's ability to take care of the older partner later in life.

• Many Younger Men Prefer Older Women (and vice versa): Younger men who are in relationships with older women often say they prefer older women because they have more life experience, and they tend to be more confident, assertive and mature. Also, older women often know what they want both in and out of bed and usually have more sexual experience than younger women (see my articles: Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex? and Many Older Women Remain Sexually Active).  In addition, many older women say they get along better with younger men, who have the same youthful outlook as they do.  They also see younger men as healthier more energetic than most older men.  In addition, older women and younger men are often more sexually compatible.

• Many Younger Women Prefer Older Men (and vice versa): Similar to younger men who prefer older women, younger women, who are attracted to older men, often say that older men offer more emotional and financial stability.  As compared to younger men, older men are often established in their career and they have more time for relationships.  Also, since they are no longer focused on building a career, they often have more time for relationships.  Similarly, older men often prefer the company of younger women because of their youthful outlook and appearance.  Also, they can still have children.

Reframing Concepts Related to Age-Gap Relationships

People who in age-gap relationships are usually well aware of the social disapproval and stigma associated with their relationships.  

In certain situations, the adult children of the older person attempt to interfere with the relationship because they fear their parent is being taken advantage of (as previously mentioned) or that they will lose their inheritance to the parent's younger partner.  The older partner would be wise to address these issues directly with his or her adult children instead of allowing suspicion and resentment to grow.

Social disapproval, stigma and family conflict often mean that there can be conflict within the relationship due to external pressure.  But if the couple is able to work on and transcend these difficulties, they can build a stronger relationship.  

Tips on How You Can Have a Lasting Age-Gap Relationship

While there are no guarantees for any relationship, regardless of age, these tips can help a couple to have a happier relationship when there's a big age difference:

• Share Your Expectations With Each Other: Knowing what you each want and expect can be helpful for navigating the differences in an age-gap relationship.  This helps to avoid misunderstandings and disappointments.

• Embrace Your Differences: Regardless of age, there will be differences between two people in any relationship.  Every couple is unique.  If you both know, accept and appreciate that you're each at different stages of life, your relationship is more likely to succeed.

• Focus on Mutual Interests: You and your partner might have come together initially because of mutual interests.  When you enjoy these interests and activities together, you can both enjoy each other more than if you're focused on your age difference.

• Be Willing to Explore Your Partner's World: Your partner might have a unique perspective in certain areas.  A willingness to explore those perspectives can make life more interesting and exciting.  It can also help you to grow and bring the two of you closer together.

• Talk About Possible Caretaking of an Older Partner: Rather than shying away from this challenging issue, talk about it in advance.  Know what you each want and expect and what would be involved.

Conclusion

Although there is still some social disapproval, there is growing acceptance of age-gap relationships in our society.

In the end, it all comes down to the two individuals in the relationship.  

Talking about your expectations, embracing your differences, focusing on mutual interests, showing a willingness to explore your partner's perspectives, and talking about real life issues involved when there is an age difference can contribute to the success of an age-gap relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples in traditional and non-traditional relationships (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men - Part 2: Issues to Consider

When it comes to age difference, relationships between older men and younger women tend to be more common than relationships between older women and younger men. But relationships between older women and younger men aren't as unusual these days as they used to be in the past (see my articles:  Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?, Many Older Women, Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution, Remain Sexually Active and Relationships Between Older Woman and Younger Men - Part 1).

Relationships Between Older Woman and Younger Me

Relationships between older women and younger men have become increasingly more popular as people view age as less an indicator of compatibility as compared to compatibility with regard to interests, values and life goals.

With more high profile relationships of older women and younger men in public view, there's less of a stigma about these relationships than there used to be.  For instance, French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife, Brigitte, have a 25 year age difference and they've been married for over 10 years.

Questions to Consider When There is a Significant Difference in Age Between an Older Woman and a Younger Man
While it's important not to make generalizations about age difference because every couple is unique, there are some questions that an older woman and a younger man would be wise to consider, especially if they're considering a long term relationship, as opposed to casual dating, including:

• Do they have compatible life goals?
• Do they have similar values?
• Are they compatible in terms of what each of them wants from the other (dating casually vs. a committed relationship)?
• Are they sexually compatible?
• Does the younger man, who gets into a relationship with an older woman who can no longer have children, still want children?
• Does it make a difference to the older woman that the younger man might be less mature than the older woman?
• Does the older woman take on primarily a motherly role with the younger man?
• Does the older woman tend to act superior to the younger man because she has more life experience than he does?
• How secure do each of them feel about a long term commitment as the woman gets older?

Although some of these questions, like whether each person wants to have children, could be an issue in any relationship, these issues are even more significant in a relationship between an older woman and a younger man.

A Clinical Vignette: A Relationship Between an Older Woman and a Younger Man:
The following fictionalized clinical vignette illustrates some of the issues that come up in a relationship between a younger man and an older woman:

Jane and Alex
When Jane and Alex met at a party, they hit it off immediately and they soon began dating casually. At first, neither of them were concerned about the 15 year age difference between them because they were enjoying each other's company and having fun.

But after a few months, as they developed deeper feelings for each other, Jane began to wonder if the age difference between them might make a difference in the long term.

When she raised the issue with Alex, he was somewhat surprised because he was hardly aware of their age difference.  From his perspective, "Age is only a number. Why should it matter how old either of us is if we care about each other and we're getting along?"  He told her that he didn't care that she was 57 and he was 42.  He said the age difference had no meaning to him.

Jane told him that she had no problems with the relationship at that point in time, but she worried that, in the long run, they might want different things in terms of their life goals.  So, they began having more in-depth talks about their life goals in terms of what each of them wanted in the future.

They each knew that they had similar values, so they focused their discussion on issues like family, differences in life experience and whether each of them saw the relationship working out in the long run.

Jane raised the issue that she was beyond her childbearing years, and she was concerned that Alex might want to have children one day.  In response, Alex told Jane that, although he liked children, he didn't want children of his own. He said he had always known this and it wasn't an issue for him.

Alex told Jane that he was concerned that she might become bored with him eventually since she had so much more life experience than he did.  He said he worried that she would see him as being "less manly" because of this.  In response, Jane said that she didn't mind that he had less life experience and, in fact, what she liked about him was that he was so open and enthusiastic about trying new things.

As they opened up more to each other, Jane told Alex she worried that, as she aged, he might become less attracted to her and he might prefer to be with a younger woman.  This surprised Alex because he thought Jane knew that his attraction to her went beyond looks and sex.  He told her that his attraction encompassed much more than physical attraction--it included everything about her.

As they continued their discussions, their relationship deepened and grew.  And the more they talked about these issues, the more committed each of them became to their relationship.

Even though they didn't have any major problems between them, Jane suggested that they attend couples therapy to delve deeper into these issues, and Alex readily agreed.

During their couples therapy sessions, they were able to go deeper into the issues that they were already discussing and they each developed insights they didn't have before.  They didn't need to have many sessions with their couples therapist because these sessions served to confirm to each of them that they were compatible for a long term relationship.

Since neither of them could see any reason why they shouldn't be together in a long term relationship, they decided to take their relationship to the next level and they moved in together.

Conclusion
Relationships between older women and younger men are more common today than ever before.

Every relationship, regardless of age, is different in terms of relationship goals, life goals and overall compatibility.

If an older woman and a younger man are considering the viability of a long term relationship, as opposed to a casual relationship, it's important that they communicate openly and honestly about issues that could become obstacles in the future.

Many couples find it worthwhile to explore these issues in couples therapy, even if they're not having major problems, because an experienced couples therapist can help them to delve deeper and develop new insights.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Peace with the Aging Process

Making peace with the aging process isn't always easy.  Several months ago, I was with a friend (I'll call her Betty, which isn't here real name).  Betty, who was about to turn 60, showed me photographs of herself when she was in her 20s and 30s.  She was reminiscing about those earlier days, lamenting  the aging process, and wishing she was a young, slim and attractive as she appeared in her earlier photos.  

A week later, we were together for her 60th birthday bash.  Surrounded by her husband, family, and friends, Betty was beaming with happiness and appreciation.  One by one, her husband, daughters and friends stood up and made toasts to her.

Making Peace With the Aging Process

Then, Betty's 85 year old mother, Joan, stood up to make a toast.  Still vibrant and in good health, she made a poignant toast to Betty, thanking her for being such a wonderful daughter, wife, mother, and friend to everyone at the party.  Then, she also talked about how happy and grateful she felt to be alive, in good health, curious and still learning new things almost every day.

Afterwards, I spoke to Joan to find out more about her wonderful attitude towards life in general and the aging process in particular.  She told me that she approached every day with a sense of openness and curiosity.  She remained involved in her hobbies and interests, and she maintained close friendships.  

She let go of petty resentments and forgave people who had hurt her.  She hardly spent time thinking about getting old.  Of course, she had lost her husband and many dear friends along the way, which was hard, so she wasn't in denial about her age or that she would die one day.  But she felt she still had a lot to look forward to and a lot to offer, so she didn't want to waste her time worrying about getting older and death.

Living in a culture that's obsessed with youth and good looks, it's hard not to be affected by worries about the aging process.   This is why I was so impressed with Joan's positive attitude about aging and her philosophy about life.  I thought how wonderful it would be if we could all approach the aging process with such openness and grace.   

I recently had a chance to speak with Betty about her party and, in particular, what her mother had to say about aging.  Betty said she had also been reflecting on it.  She said she also realized how much she had to be grateful for.  She had a loving husband and family, good friends, and good health.  She was  gainfully employed and loved her work.  

After hearing her mother speak at her party, Betty said she made a commitment to herself to stay focused on how lucky she is and to appreciate all the inner resources and strengths she developed over the years. She said when she was in her 20s and 30s, she was filled with self doubt and apprehension about the future.  It wasn't until she was in her 40s that she began to develop a degree of self confidence.  She told me that she wouldn't go back to how she felt when she was younger for anything in the world.

Remembering our self worth as mature adults can be challenging when we're bombarded on a daily basis by messages that it's better to be young and good looking.  Sometimes, we need good friends or supportive family members to remind us of who we really are inside, where it counts the most.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.