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It's incredibly difficult to stand by and watch an adult you love engage in self-sabotaging and destructive behavior. You can feel helpless and hopeless, so your inclination might be to try to "fix" your loved one in whatever way you think you can.
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| You Can't "Fix" a Loved One |
Loving someone deeply can trick you into believing that you have the power to control and change their behavior. But you can't "fix" a loved one because they're not an object that needs to be repaired.
If you're confusing your deep love with a duty to "cure" a loved one, you can end up feeling emotionally, physically and mentally depleted.
Why Are You Feeling This Way?
There can be a few reasons why you feel a sense of guilt for not being able to control or change a loved one you care about--whether it's a parent, sibling, adult child or close friend:
- The Savior Illusion: You might mistakenly believe that if your love is strong enough, it can override their emotional pain or trauma.
- Internalizing Your Loved One's Chaos: You might be treating their problems like it's a reflection on your worth or effort.
- Control Feels Like Comfort: Trying to "fix" them is often a coping mechanism to erase your own discomfort with their suffering.
How Can You Shift From Trying to "Fix" to Trying to Support Them?
To protect your own well-being and build a healthier dynamic between you and your loved one, consider shifting from your approaching of attempting to "fix" to being emotionally supportive.
Take a look at the examples below and notice the difference between trying to "fix" and being emotionally supportive:
- Trying to "Fix": Offering unsolicited advice (e.g., "You're drinking too much" or "You're spending too much money on unimportant things and not paying your bills").
- Being Emotionally Supportive: Asking if they want help and, if so, how they want to be helped: "Do you want me to listen?" (see my article: Ask Your Loved One: Do You Want to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?).
- Trying to "Fix": Sacrificing your boundaries to shield them from consequences.
- Being Emotionally Supportive: Focus on yourself and your own well-being and be an attuned listener for your loved one.
- Trying to "Fix": Trying to force change or manage their life (e.g., making excuses to their manager when they don't show up for work or paying their overdue bills).
- Being Emotionally Supportive: Instead of making excuses for them, create a safe, non-judgmental environment where change is possible if they choose to change.
Reminders to Maintain Your Own Well-Being
- Separate Love From Rescue: You can love someone without carrying the burden of trying to save them.
- Be Aware That You're Not Failing: Instead of feeling like you're failing, recognize that you're hitting the natural limit of what one human being can do for another.
- Let Go and Grieve The Expectation: Let go of unrealistic expectations of trying to "fix" your loved one. Allow yourself to mourn the version of the relationship you wish you could have with them.
Clinical Vignettes
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the problem with trying to "fix" a loved one:
Tina and Her Adult Son, Mike:
Tina's only child, a 45 year old son, Mike, had a compulsive gambling problem. Although he earned over $100,000 a year, he had poor credit because he had many overdue bills, the bank was threatening to foreclose on his home and his wife was threatening to leave him.
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| You Can't "Fix" Your Loved One |
Whenever Mike felt desperate, he called Tina and begged her to bail him out. In that moment, he would promise to get help for his gambling problem and also to pay her back. But as soon as he got the money from Tina, he gambled more (instead of paying off his gambling debts) and he got deeper into debt.
He also never paid Tina back and she was depleting her and her husband's retirement savings. Her husband, Joe, told her to stop enabling Mike's behavior, but Tina wanted to help her son and she knew she would feel guilty if she didn't help him.
When Joe told Tina that he was angry that their retirement fund was getting depleted due to Mike's gambling problems, she understood that her efforts to "fix" her son's problems were having a devastating impact on her marriage and she sought help in therapy.
The work in therapy wasn't easy, but her therapist helped Tina to see the enmeshment with her son so she could switch from trying to "fix" him to being emotionally supportive (see my article: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family).
Tina was able to see that her behavior with her son had its roots in her dysfunctional family dynamic, especially her parents' codependent relationship. Whenever Tina's father was too hungover to go to work, her mother would call his manager and make excuses for his absences. Eventually, he was let go from his job and Tina's mother had to take two jobs to keep the family afloat.
Several years after Tina's father lost his job, he was drinking more heavily than ever and he died due to an alcohol-related heart attack at the age of 40. After the father died, Tina's mother blamed herself for not being able to get her husband to stop drinking.
Tina wasn't aware of how she was affected by her parents' dynamic until she got into therapy and she realized she was trying, in vain, to rescue her 45 year old son--just like her mother tried, in vain, to rescue her father.
With a heavy heart, Tina refused to give Mike any more money the next time he came to her in desperation. At first, he pleaded with her and told her he would lose his home and his utilities would be turned off.
This was especially difficult for Tina, but she realized that, in the long run, she couldn't try to "fix" his problem anymore because her efforts kept Mike from dealing with his gambling problem. She also didn't want to ruin her marriage.
When pleading didn't work, Mike became furious, cursed and threatened to cut her off. She responded by reminding him that he already owed her thousands of dollars. She also told him that she would be emotionally supportive of his getting help for his gambling problem.
Mike was too angry to respond to his mother and, after that talk, he disappeared from his parents' life for two years and he was unresponsive to their calls. Even though they knew they did what was best for Mike and for themselves, this estrangement was heartbreaking for Tina and Joe (see my article: Estrangement Between Parents and Adult Children).
In the meantime, Tina worked in therapy to deal with her own childhood trauma in therapy and the estrangement with her son.
A year later, when Mike contacted Tina and Joe again, he was in therapy, he was attending Gamblers Anonymous and he stopped gambling. He said his therapist was helping him to deal with the underlying issues related to his gambling. He told them that Tina's refusal to give him money was the best thing that ever happened to him because it forced him to confront his problems.
As part of his making amends with his parents, Mike made a payment plan with them to pay back the money he owed them. They also worked together to develop a healthier family dynamic.
By that time, Tina and Joe's relationship had improved and they were looking forward to retirement in a few years.
Conclusion
It's very difficult to watch a loved one floundering without wanting to do something to help.
The problem with trying to "fix" or rescue your loved one is that it's usually counterproductive and perpetuates your loved one's problem as well as your own.
Acknowledging and accepting that you can't "fix" anyone can help you to set boundaries so you can be emotionally supportive in a healthy way.
Get Help in Therapy
Trying to change a long-standing unhealthy pattern can be very difficult.
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| Get Help in Therapy |
If you have tried on your own to change without success, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with these types of issues.
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
I offer a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.
You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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