Setting Boundaries: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family

I began a discussion about enmeshment in an earlier article, Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Topics in the Current Article

In the current article, I'm covering:

• What is Enmeshment?
• What Causes Enmeshment in Families?
• How to Overcome Enmeshment
• Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Enmeshment

What is Enmeshment?

If you grew up in an enmeshed family you probably had at least some of the following issues:

• There was a lack of physical and emotional boundaries.

• There was a tendency to focus on what's best for other family members and not what's best for you.

• You put other family members' happiness above your own.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• You feel guilt and shame, as an adult, if you put your needs above other family members. For instance,  you might not want to call your mother every week, but you feel guilty and ashamed if you don't because you know she wants you to call weekly.

• Your family's self worth is dependent upon your success.

• Your family expects you to share everything about your life--even things you might want to keep private. They get offended if you say something in your life is private.

• Your family might have imposed their ideas on you when you were a young adult instead of encouraging you to follow your own hopes and dreams. If you wanted to follow your own aspirations, they felt offended and you felt guilty and ashamed.

• Parents in enmeshed families tend to treat their children like friends instead of children because there is a lack of boundaries.

• You tend to avoid conflicts, even now as an adult, because you have difficulty setting limits.

• You lack a strong sense of who you are.

• You absorb other people's emotions around you because you lack appropriate boundaries (this is different from being an empath).

What Causes Enmeshment in Families?

Enmeshment usually develops in dysfunctional families and repeats the pattern from one generation to the next (see my article: 

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

It can be difficult to pinpoint when an enmeshed family dynamic started since it might go back generations and family members often have little to no awareness about the enmeshment.

Enmeshment often develops due to unresolved trauma, mental health problems, substance abuse, compulsive gambling or other related issues.

What is the Impact of Enmeshment in Adult Relationships?

The following characteristics are common for adults who grew up in enmeshed families?

• Low self esteem
  

• Anxiety
  

• Fear of abandonment
  

• Being out of touch with your feelings

• Feeling burdened by guilt and shame

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility

• Poor personal boundaries

• Difficulty setting boundaries with others

• Codependency
  

• Difficulty with assertiveness

• Difficulty with emotional regulation 

• Difficulty calming or soothing yourself emotionally

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the negative impact of enmeshed family dynamics and how psychotherapy can help:

Maria

Maria grew up in crowded family home where she shared a bed with her two older sisters. She had no privacy. 

When Maria was 15 years old, her oldest sister found Maria's diary, she read it to their parents, grandparents and siblings and they laughed at what Maria wrote about feeling sad.

Her parents and grandparents invalidated her feelings and told her she had nothing to feel sad about since she had a roof over her head, food and clothing.  They told her that only someone who had something terrible to hide from the family would even want to write in a diary.  Then, her father tore up her diary and threw it in the garbage. He told her she should be ashamed of herself for what she wrote.

When she turned 16 years old, Maria's maternal uncle, who came to live with her family, began touching her inappropriately when no one was around. He told her that he would hurt her sisters if she told anyone about the sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse).

One day her mother happened to come home early and she found her brother touching Maria's breasts. She threw her brother out of the house and she also blamed Maria for the sexual abuse.  

She told Maria it was her fault that the uncle touched her inappropriately. Then, she made Maria promise not to tell Maria's father because she feared what he might do to the uncle if he found out.

When it was time for Maria to choose a major in college, her parents insisted that she become a teacher--even though Maria wanted to become a medical doctor. Her parents told her that women shouldn't become doctors because they would have to see men's naked bodies and this was shameful for a woman.

Maria was upset that her parents were trying to force her to choose a career she didn't want so she sought help from a professor who referred her to the college counseling center.  

In counseling, Maria learned to set boundaries with her family--even though they didn't like it and they threatened to stop paying her tuition.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Her counselor helped Maria to get a scholarship and a room in a dorm so she could live independently from her family.  She took pre-med courses and, eventually, she went to medical school.

While she was in medical school, she sought help from a trauma therapist so she could deal with the impact of her enmeshed family, including the sexual abuse.

Even though her family didn't like that Maria was making her own decisions and setting boundaries with them, they accepted it reluctantly.  

While she was in medical school, Maria met her husband-to-be and she learned to have a healthy relationship with him with the tools she learned in therapy.

How to Overcome Enmeshment

To become a mature adult, children need to learn to become their own person at stages that are appropriate for their development at the time.  This is part of the individuation process.

Individuation means being your own person and not just an extension of your parents and other family members.

When you are appropriately individuated from your family, you can maintain your relationships with them with appropriate boundaries. You also learn how to be your own person physically, emotionally and psychologically.

To overcome enmeshment, you need to learn to:

• Set appropriate boundaries with family members (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Discover who you are as an individual apart from your family.

• Learn to stop feeling ashamed and guilty if what's right for you might make your family unhappy.

• Get help in therapy when trying to overcome enmeshment becomes too challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming enmeshment can be challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional with the right expertise can help you to develop the skills you need to overcome enmeshment and develop healthier relationships.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma, including enmeshed relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy

The phrase "Comparison is the thief of joy" is attributed to Theodore Roosevelt and it means that comparing yourself to others and judging yourself unfavorably often leads to unhappiness (see my article: How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably With Others).

Comparisons and Judgment on Social Media

These issues have become increasingly problematic now that people compare their looks, their partners, their success and everything else about their life on social media.

Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy

Many people compare and judge themselves in ways that lead to shame, anxiety and depression, and other similar problems, especially among teens and young adults.

More and more people are realizing they need to take breaks from social media if they want to maintain their mental health. 

What Are the Negative Effects of Comparisons and Judgment?

Whether comparisons and judgment occur on social media or in real life, the negative consequences include (but not limited to):

• Feeling envious of others 

• Feeling dissatisfied with yourself

• Feeling inadequate 

• Having a poor body image (see my article: How Mindfulness and Self Acceptance Can Help With Body Acceptance)

• Depression

• Feeling worthless

• Feeling unlovable

• Anxiety

• Hopelessness

• Low self esteem
  

• Shame
  

Comparison and Judgment Often Starts Early in Childhood

In her book, Come Together, Dr. Emily Nagoski writes that, even more than comparison, the real thief of joy is judgment.

I see many clients in my New York City psychotherapy practice who are unhappy because they compare and judge themselves unfavorably to others.

Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy

In many cases this began when their parents compared and judged them, as young children, unfavorably to other children:

    "Why can't you get better grades like your older brother?" 

    "Look how outgoing your friend Mary is. Why can't you be more like her?"

Although most parents don't mean to harm their children, when parents give labels to their children, children feel inadequate (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

A common example of this is when parents engage in labeling and splitting by saying to their daughters, "Gina, you're the pretty one and Ann, you're the smart one."

Not only can this pit siblings against each other, but these comparisons often cause each child to want the attributes they feel they're lacking and believe their sibling has.

What often happens is that the one who is told she's the pretty one longs to be the smart one and the one who is told she's smart one longs to be the pretty one.

I've had clients look back on their childhood photos and report cards many years later and they realized that these destructive comparisons were false.

Regardless of how their parents labeled them, they discovered years later that both they and their sibling were equally attractive and smart, but their parents created this "split" between the siblings.  

How to Overcome the Tendency to Compare and Judge Yourself Unfavorably to Others

Usually by the time people come to see me for therapy, they have been traumatized by lifelong comparisons and judgments that began early in life by their parents, which they internalized and continued to do to themselves as adults.

If this type of problem hasn't reached the level of trauma where you need a mental health professional, there are some self help tips that might be helpful:

• Develop Self Awareness: Begin to notice when you're comparing and judging yourself.

• Identity Your Triggers: Become aware of what types of situations trigger these negative thoughts and feelings in you.

• Self Reflect and Focus on Your Strengths: You have unique strengths. Instead of focusing on what you think you don't have, as compared to others, focus on your strengths that you do have (see my article: What is a Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy?).

Reflect on Your Positive Traits and Strengths

• Keep a Gratitude Journal: When you keep a gratitude journal, you learn to shift your focus from feelings of inadequacy, shame and envy to feelings of gratitude for what you do have (see my article: How to Keep a Gratitude Journal).

• Have a Talk With Your Inner Critic: Your inner critic was probably formed when you were young when you internalized the negative messages you received. It's only one part of you and it's often a sad and neglected part that wants attention. Although you can't get rid of any part of yourself, you can transform that part with love and attention which can help to soften it. But even if that part doesn't soften, you can ask it to step aside so it doesn't have a direct impact on you while you're working to strengthen your sense of self. Once your sense of self has been strengthened, even if that part continues to be critical, when you come from a stronger sense of self, you won't automatically believe that critical part.

                See my articles: 

• Making Friends With Your Inner Critic
• 
  
• How Parts Work Can Empower You

• Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts

• Only Compare Yourself to Yourself: Focus on your own progress instead of comparing yourself to others and judging yourself. For instance, if you go to the gym, instead of comparing yourself to a gym member who is more advanced than you and who can lift heavier weights track your own progress or give yourself credit for going to the gym.

• Limit Your Exposure to Social Media: Become aware of how you are affected by social media and reduce your time so you're not getting triggered as much. Some people have taken themselves off social media for periods of time to stop getting triggered and strengthen their sense of self.

• Practice Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises: Meditation and breathing exercises can help you to reduce the stress and anxiety that often comes with comparisons and self judgment.

Conclusion

Comparison and judgment are the thieves of joy.

If your problem isn't related to unresolved trauma, you can try to identify and overcome the triggers related to unfavorably comparisons and judgment. 

Getting Help in Therapy

If self help strategies aren't working for you and you think your problems are related to unresolved trauma, consider getting help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through any underlying trauma contributes to your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Parentification and Why Is It Traumatic?

Many clients who come to see me for unresolved trauma grew up as parentified children (see my article: What is the Impact of Parentification on Adult Relationships?).

The Traumatic Impact of Parentification

What Are Parentified Children?

Parentification is a role reversal between parents and children.

Parentified children are children who grew up taking on adult responsibilities in their family. 

These responsibilities might include:

• Providing emotional support to their parents 

• Taking care of younger siblings as a regular part of their chores

• Taking on major household chores that are normally done by adults

• Taking on the stress of financial problems and other major stressors in the family

• Mediating arguments between their parents and/or other adult family members

• Paying bills

• Making doctor's appointments, and so on

This often occurs when children's parents either can't or won't assume parental responsibilities and they might also unable to take care of themselves.

What Are the Signs of Parentification?

Some of the signs of parentification include:

• Children being praised by their parents and other adults for being "so good" or "so responsible" when they take on tasks beyond their developmental stage

• Children feeling they have to be the peacemakers in the family

• Getting in trouble with their parents when they wanted to engage in children's activities because parents wanted them to stay home to take care of adult responsibilities

The Traumatic Impact of Parentification

• As an adult not being able to remember being allowed to be a child

• As an adult feeling they were given responsibilities beyond their capacity as a child

• As an adult feeling they had to "grow up fast" (beyond their developmental capacities)

• As an adult only feeling comfortable in the role of a caretaker to a partner or spouse 

• As an adult feeling they have to be so "self reliant" to the point of not trusting others, including significant others, to come through for them

Why Causes Parentification?

Parentification can occur for many reasons.

In many instances the parents of parentified children grew up as parentified children themselves so it seems normal and familiar to them.  

The Traumatic Impact of Parentification

Since they were parentified children, these parents might never have learned to manage their emotions because they were preoccupied with taking care of their parents' emotions.  

As a result, it's not unusual to find a long history of parentified children from one generation to the next.

In other instances parents might have mental health or substance abuse problems and they are unable to take on parental responsibilities so one or more of their children take on these responsibilities.

Why is Parentification Traumatic?

Parentified children often feel they are special when they are children because they feel they are helping their parents and often get complimented for it. But, as adults, they might begin to sense that something didn't go right when they were children (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

For instance, when they hear other adults talk about their childhood, many adults who grew up as parentified children sense they missed out on being a child.  For many people this is the beginning of their questioning why they took on their parents' responsibilities and what affect it might have had on them (see my article: How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself).

Parentification also causes the disruption of the child's natural maturational process which often leads to negative consequences for their long term health and mental health including anxiety and depression and chronic health problems.

Parentification Can Cause Anxiety and Depression

In addition, as previously mentioned, parentification often develops into intergenerational trauma as the trauma is perpetuated from one generation to the next.

How Can You Heal From the Trauma of Parentification?

There are specific types of therapy, known as trauma therapy, for parentification and other types of developmental trauma:

EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

Ego States Therapy (similar to Internal Family Systems Therapy or Parts Work Therapy)

AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Somatic Experiencing Therapy 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Parentification is more common than you might think.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Even though parentification might have been normalized in your family, you might realize it had a negative emotional impact on you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified trauma therapist so you can overcome trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience, I work with individual adults and couples to help them overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Toxic Stress?

Stress is a common response to daily experiences in life--both positive and negative.  It can be beneficial when it motivates you to make positive changes in your life.  

What is Toxic Stress?

However, when stress is chronic and overwhelming and you don't have internal resources or emotional support to deal with stress, it can become toxic stress (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).

This article will focus on the connection between toxic and trauma as it begins in early childhood and continues into adulthood (see my article: Stress Management: Taking Time For Self Care).

What Are the Different Types of Stress?

• Positive Stress: Positive stress is also known as eustress. Positive stress responses are normal responses to infrequent, short lived and mild stressful experiences. During childhood, if a child is given emotional support to deal with positive stress, the child develops motivation and resilience.  Over time, as a child develops skills to deal with positive stressors, the child also develops self confidence.  Examples of positive stress for children include:

• Meeting new people
• Learning a new task
• Learning a new game or hobby

• Tolerable Stress: Tolerable stress is more frequent, sustained and severe.  Tolerable stress has more of an impact on the mind and body as compared to positive stress. With emotional support, once the tolerable stress is removed, a child's mind and body usually return to their normal level of functioning.  Examples of tolerable stress for children include:

• Parental divorce
• Death of a loved one

• Toxic Stress: Toxic stress often begins in childhood where prolonged exposure to stress has a damaging effect on a child's mind and body. When children are exposed to unrelenting stress without emotional support, the mind and body are often unable to recover. Toxic stress is related to adverse childhood experiences (see below) also known as ACEs. Examples of toxic stress include:

• Abuse
• Emotional neglect
  
• Poverty
• Food scarcity
• Poor health
• Violence
• family dysfunction including, but not limited to, caregivers with substance abuse or mental health conditions

What Are Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)?

Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are potentially traumatic events, as mentioned above, that occur in childhood (ages 0-17 years) that can result in toxic stress.

Toxic stress related to ACEs can result in health and mental health problems especially if these experiences are unmitigated by emotional support from loved ones.

How Common Are Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)?

Unfortunately, ACEs are common.

Adverse Childhood Experiences and Toxic Stress

Approximately 64% of adults reported they had at least one experience with ACEs and about 17.3% of adults reported having four or more experiences as children with ACEs. 

All children are potentially at risk for ACEs, but ACEs are more likely to occur with girls, racial minorities and in families where adults are unemployed or unable to work.

What is the Effect of ACEs and Toxic Stress?

Without emotional support ACEs and toxic stress can result in one or more of the following problems:

• Permanent damaging effects to brain architecture

• Epigenetic change alteration (modifications to DNA which determine whether genes are turned on or off)

• Long term health consequences, including

• Immune dysregulation
• Persistent inflammatory state and health conditions related to inflammation
• Increased risk for cancer and heart disease
• Other chronic health problems

• Long term mental health consequences, including:

• Anxiety
  
• Depression
• Emotional dysregulation
• Other mental health problems

How Do ACEs and Toxic Stress Effect Adults?

Adults who grew up exposed to ACEs without emotional support are more likely to get into unhealthy relationships.

Toxic Stress and Adult Relationship Problems

Without emotional and mental health support, this can have a traumatic intergenerational traumatic impact where one generation after the next form unstable relationships.

Adults who experienced ACEs as children have an increased risk for having an unstable work history, financial problems, debt and other related problems.

How to Reduce the Risk of ACEs and Toxic Stress

Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are preventable.  

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is the national public health agency for the U.S.  It is a federal agency under the Health and Human Services Department.

The CDC recommends the following steps to prevent ACEs:

• Strengthening family financial security
• Implementing family-friendly work policies
• Promoting public education campaigns to educate people about ACEs
• Promoting legislative approaches to reduce corporal punishment
• Promoting bystander approaches
• Promoting men and boys as allies in prevention
• Implementing early childhood programs to ensure a strong start for children
• Implementing high quality child care
• Promoting preschool enrichment with family involvement
• Teaching social-emotional learning
• Teaching safe dating and relationship skills
• Teaching parenting and healthy family relationship skills
• Developing mentor programs
• Developing after school programs
• Developing enhanced primary care
• Developing victim-centered services
• Developing treatment approaches to reduce the harm of ACEs
• Developing treatment to prevent problem behavior and future involvement in violence
• Developing family-centered treatment for substance abuse

Getting Help in Therapy

As an adult, if you have been impacted by toxic stress, you could benefit from seeking help in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working with a skilled psychotherapist, who has an expertise with toxic stress and trauma, can help you to overcome the damaging effects of toxic stress.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples overcome the impact of toxic stress and trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    

How Do You Handle Blame? Are You an Internalizer or an Externalizer?

How you handle blame can tell a lot about yourself. It can also have a big impact on your personal and work-related relationships (see my article: Relationship Skills: Why is Self Awareness Important to You and Your Partner?).

How Do You Handle Blame?

The following descriptions are the most common dynamics when it comes to handling blame:

• Externalizers: People who are externalizers usually blame someone or something else when it comes to blame. They rarely, if ever, accept responsibility when things go wrong, even when it's objectively clear that the problem was their fault (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit You Made a Mistake).

How Do You Handle Blame?

• Extreme Externalizers: People who are extreme externalizers have a very difficult time taking responsibility for their own mistakes. They often lack a self reflective capacity, which means they not only fail to look at their own contributions to their problems, but they also don't learn from their mistakes. This means they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. People who are extreme externalizers are often personality disordered (see my article: The Dark Triad Personality: Narcissism, Psychopathy and Machiavellianism).

How Do You Handle Blame?

• Internalizers: People who are internalizers often take on all or most of the blame when things go wrong--even when it's obvious they weren't at fault. 

• Inconsistent Internalizers: People who are inconsistent internalizers often take on too much of the blame in situations, but they can also do a 180 degree turn and externalize all the blame on someone else.  Inconsistent internalizers were often emotionally neglected as children.  Whichever side they're on, they often see situations as being black-and-white with no grey (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

• Balanced: People who are balanced see their own realistic contributions to problems at the same time they take into account other people's contributions as well as other contributing factors.

How Your Family Handled Blame

Children internalize family dynamics unconsciously.  This includes how families handled blame.

The following vignettes, which are composites, are examples of how families often handle blame and the consequences of their dynamic:

• An Example of an Externalizer: Joey's Family: Joey tended to get into trouble at school for fighting and cutting classes when he was in high school. Whenever Joey's parents were called in to meet with the dean, they were very defensive.  When the dean told them about the problems, both parents blamed Joey's friends for being "bad influences." They never asked Joey to take responsibility and, as parents, they never took responsibility.  So, when Joey became an adult, he became an externalizer.

• An Example of an Internalizer: Alice's Family: When Alice was growing up, she was often scapegoated by her parents and older siblings. Whenever anything went wrong at home, they blamed her.  When they were court-mandated to attend family therapy after Alice's older brother was arrested for stealing a car, they told the family therapist that Alice was the cause of all the family's problems. But when they were asked to explain this, they got defensive (see my article: The Role of the Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families).

• An Example of a Balanced View: Nina's Family: Nina's parents taught her the importance of self reflection so that whenever she had a problem, she reflected on what she could have done better.  They also taught her how to look at problems within the context in which they occurred so she could take a balanced perspective of situations when they went wrong. This helped her in all her relationships as a child and as an adult.

Practice Compassion For Yourself and Others

Dynamics which are internalized at a young age are often difficult to overcome.

If you tend to blame yourself, even when it's objectively clear that you weren't at fault, you could benefit from learning self compassion (see my article:  Psychotherapy and Self Compassion).

Practice Compassion For Yourself and Others

If you tend to blame others, when a situation goes wrong, take a moment to pause and assess the situation when you're calm.  

If you're blaming others and not taking responsibility for your own mistakes, you're being unfair to others and you're depriving yourself of a potential learning experience.  

If you can stop being defensive and allow yourself to be open, you can gain a new, more balanced perspective when things go wrong. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Problems with internalizing and externalizing usually have their roots in early childhood.

Both internalizing and externalizing can create problems in personal and work-related relationships. 

Problems in relationships often bring people to therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you, if you're open to being helped, to take a more balanced approach when things go wrong.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.