Are You Feeling Like a Failure Because You Can't "Fix" a Loved One?

It's incredibly difficult to stand by and watch an adult you love engage in self-sabotaging and destructive behavior. You can feel helpless and hopeless, so your inclination might be to try to "fix" your loved one in whatever way you think you can.

You Can't "Fix" a Loved One

Loving someone deeply can trick you into believing that you have the power to control and change their behavior. But you can't "fix" a loved one because they're not an object that needs to be repaired. 

If you're confusing your deep love with a duty to "cure" a loved one, you can end up feeling emotionally, physically and mentally depleted. 

Why Are You Feeling This Way?

There can be a few reasons why you feel a sense of guilt for not being able to control or change a loved one you care about--whether it's a parent, sibling, adult child or close friend:

• The Savior Illusion: You might mistakenly believe that if your love is strong enough, it can override their emotional pain or trauma.

• Internalizing Your Loved One's Chaos: You might be treating their problems like it's a reflection on your worth or effort.

• Control Feels Like Comfort: Trying to "fix" them is often a coping mechanism to erase your own discomfort with their suffering.

How Can You Shift From Trying to "Fix" to Trying to Support Them?

To protect your own well-being and build a healthier dynamic between you and your loved one, consider shifting from your approaching of attempting to "fix" to being emotionally supportive.

Take a look at the examples below and notice the difference between trying to "fix" and being emotionally supportive:

• Trying to "Fix": Offering unsolicited advice (e.g., "You're drinking too much" or "You're spending too much money on unimportant things and not paying your bills").

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Asking if they want help and, if so, how they want to be helped: "Do you want me to listen?" (see my article: Ask Your Loved One: Do You Want to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?).

• Trying to "Fix": Sacrificing your boundaries to shield them from consequences.

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Focus on yourself and your own well-being and be an attuned listener for your loved one.

• Trying to "Fix": Trying to force change or manage their life (e.g., making excuses to their manager when they don't show up for work or paying their overdue bills).

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Instead of making excuses for them, create a safe, non-judgmental environment where change is possible if they choose to change.

Reminders to Maintain Your Own Well-Being

• Separate Love From Rescue: You can love someone without carrying the burden of trying to save them.

• Be Aware That You're Not Failing: Instead of feeling like you're failing, recognize that you're hitting the natural limit of what one human being can do for another.

• Let Go and Grieve The Expectation: Let go of unrealistic expectations of trying to "fix" your loved one. Allow yourself to mourn the version of the relationship you wish you could have with them. 

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the problem with trying to "fix" a loved one:

Tina and Her Adult Son, Mike:

Tina's only child, a 45 year old son, Mike, had a compulsive gambling problem. Although he earned over $100,000 a year, he had poor credit because he had many overdue bills, the bank was threatening to foreclose on his home and his wife was threatening to leave him.

You Can't "Fix" Your Loved One

Whenever Mike felt desperate, he called Tina and begged her to bail him out. In that moment, he would promise to get help for his gambling problem and also to pay her back. But as soon as he got the money from Tina, he gambled more (instead of paying off his gambling debts) and he got deeper into debt. 

He also never paid Tina back and she was depleting her and her husband's retirement savings. Her husband, Joe, told her to stop enabling Mike's behavior, but Tina wanted to help her son and she knew she would feel guilty if she didn't help him.

When Joe told Tina that he was angry that their retirement fund was getting depleted due to Mike's gambling problems, she understood that her efforts to "fix" her son's problems were having a devastating impact on her marriage and she sought help in therapy.

The work in therapy wasn't easy, but her therapist helped Tina to see the enmeshment with her son so she could switch from trying to "fix" him to being emotionally supportive (see my article: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family).

Tina was able to see that her behavior with her son had its roots in her dysfunctional family dynamic, especially her parents' codependent relationship. Whenever Tina's father was too hungover to go to work, her mother would call his manager and make excuses for his absences. Eventually, he was let go from his job and Tina's mother had to take two jobs to keep the family afloat.  

Several years after Tina's father lost his job, he was drinking more heavily than ever and he died due to an alcohol-related heart attack at the age of 40. After the father died, Tina's mother blamed herself for not being able to get her husband to stop drinking.

Tina wasn't aware of how she was affected by her parents' dynamic until she got into therapy and she realized she was trying, in vain, to rescue her 45 year old son--just like her mother tried, in vain, to rescue her father.

With a heavy heart, Tina refused to give Mike any more money the next time he came to her in desperation. At first, he pleaded with her and told her he would lose his home and his utilities would be turned off. 

This was especially difficult for Tina, but she realized that, in the long run, she couldn't try to "fix" his problem anymore because her efforts kept Mike from dealing with his gambling problem. She also didn't want to ruin her marriage.

When pleading didn't work, Mike became furious, cursed and threatened to cut her off. She responded by reminding him that he already owed her thousands of dollars. She also told him that she would be emotionally supportive of his getting help for his gambling problem.

Mike was too angry to respond to his mother and, after that talk, he disappeared from his parents' life for two years and he was unresponsive to their calls. Even though they knew they did what was best for Mike and for themselves, this estrangement was heartbreaking for Tina and Joe (see my article: Estrangement Between Parents and Adult Children).

In the meantime, Tina worked in therapy to deal with her own childhood trauma in therapy and the estrangement with her son.

A year later, when Mike contacted Tina and Joe again, he was in therapy, he was attending Gamblers Anonymous and he stopped gambling. He said his therapist was helping him to deal with the underlying issues related to his gambling. He told them that Tina's refusal to give him money was the best thing that ever happened to him because it forced him to confront his problems. 

As part of his making amends with his parents, Mike made a payment plan with them to pay back the money he owed them. They also worked together to develop a healthier family dynamic.

By that time, Tina and Joe's relationship had improved and they were looking forward to retirement in a few years.

Conclusion

It's very difficult to watch a loved one floundering without wanting to do something to help. 

The problem with trying to "fix" or rescue your loved one is that it's usually counterproductive and perpetuates your loved one's problem as well as your own.

Acknowledging and accepting that you can't "fix" anyone can help you to set boundaries so you can be emotionally supportive in a healthy way.

Get Help in Therapy

Trying to change a long-standing unhealthy pattern can be very difficult.

Get Help in Therapy

If you have tried on your own to change without success, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with these types of issues.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Overcoming Codependency: Focus on Yourself First

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships 

Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family 

Intergenerational Dynamics 

Ambivalence and Codependence in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

The topic of conflict and ambivalence in the mother-daughter relationship is the subject of this article. One article in a blog cannot do justice to this topic but, hopefully, it can serve as a starting point for many similar articles and it will be thought provoking (see my articles: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships and Letting Go of Resentments in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships

The complexity of the mother-daughter relationship is derived, in part, from the fact that mothers and daughters share a biological and often certain psychological factors. 

As such, mothers often see themselves in their infant daughters, at times, projecting their own unfulfilled hopes and dreams on their infant daughters. 

In turn, daughters learn to identify with their mothers. A certain amount of maternal idealizing is a normal part of a daughter's development. 

However, when the identification or idealization interferes with a daughter's psychological development, this often interferes with the normal separation and individuation process that is necessary for the daughter to mature into her own person.

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette which, as always, represents a composite of numerous cases illustrates how ambivalence and codependence between a mother and daughter as well as an over identification by the daughter for the mother kept the daughter stuck and unable to develop into her own person without feeling like she was betraying her mother.

Donna:
When Donna began therapy, she was in her early 30s. She was already quite successful in her career. As she saw it at the time, her presenting problem was that she had a long history of problems in her romantic relationships with men. 

Her relationships always began well. However, as soon as the relationship became serious, Donna became extremely ambivalent about it and found some way to sabotage it. When she began therapy, she was in a one-year relationship with a man that she loved very much and who also loved her. She saw the potential for a good marriage with this man, but she was very frightened to make that commitment with him, and she could not understand why.

Donna's family history included her parents' divorce when she was five years old. Prior to that, she remembered a lot of arguing between her parents, who were not well suited for each other. After the divorce, the father remarried within a couple of years. However, Donna's mother sank into a depression and she began to drink heavily.

As an only child, Donna remembered feeling responsible for her mother's happiness. Her mother poured out her sorrows to Donna, and Donna did her best to try to make her mother happy by listening to her, trying to entertain her with funny stories from school, being an "A" student, and trying never to bother her mother with her own concerns. 

As a result, at a young age, Donna and her mother switched roles, and Donna became a parentified child. She learned to anticipate her mother's needs before her mother even expressed them. She even cleaned up her mother's mess when her mother got drunk and threw up around the house. For this, Donna's mother rewarded her by telling her what a wonderful daughter she was, and this made Donna feel good.

Donna's relationship with her mother continued in this way until Donna became a teenager, and she began to express a need to spend more time with her friends. Donna's mother never actually stopped Donna from going out with her friends, but when Donna got home, she often found her mother in an irritable, sullen state.

She never told Donna directly that she was unhappy that Donna was beginning to achieve a certain amount of independence that is a normal part of adolescence but, indirectly, she complained about how lonely she felt when Donna was out and how hard her life was as a single mother. 

This made Donna feel very guilty for leaving her mother alone and for going out and having a good time with her friends. At those times, Donna worked extra hard to get back into her mother's good graces. After a while, Donna's mother was appeased and, once again, she rewarded Donna by telling her that she was the best daughter that a mother could have.

At times, Donna turned down her friends' invitations to go out because she didn't want to leave her mother alone and unhappy. She also feared that her mother would drink more when Donna was out, which was often the case. At least if she was there, Donna thought, she could monitor her mother's alcohol intake and help her mother to go to bed when she was too drunk.

After her parents' divorce, Donna had virtually no contact with her father. She feared that her mother would be upset if she maintained a relationship with her father, so she ignored his phone calls and, after a while, he stopped calling.

During that time, dating boys was out of the question in Donna's mind. Her mother was very bitter about her own divorce and she would often tell Donna how awful men were. Donna was interested in a couple of boys at school, who also expressed an interest in her, but Donna felt that it would be a betrayal to her mother if she began dating boys. So, rather than dating, she stayed home with her mother and catered to her needs.

When it came time for Donna to apply for college, one of Donna's teachers, who had an intuitive sense of what was going on in Donna's home, encouraged Donna to go away to college. A part of Donna longed to be away and attend a college with an active campus life. However, a stronger part of Donna didn't want to leave her mother alone. So, she opted to go to a local college, even though other colleges offered her better opportunities and a chance for a full scholarship.

By the time Donna was a sophomore in college, she began to feel depressed and lonely. She didn't know why she was feeling this way, so she went to the student counseling center. With the help of her college counselor, Donna began to see that she was missing out on many of the social activities that other students were enjoying and that she also wanted to attend.

So, gradually, Donna became more social and, soon afterwards, she started dating, much to her mother's chagrin. By that point, Donna realized that she needed to have a social life of her own, but she continued to feel guilty and that, in some way, she was betraying her mother by spending less time with her and more time with her friends.

By the time she graduated, Donna was offered an excellent job opportunity in NYC that she knew she could not afford to pass up. With much ambivalence and guilt about leaving her mother, she moved to NYC to begin her new career. However, she called her mother several times a day to "check in" on her and to listen to her mother's problems. She also visited her mother frequently on weekends.

When Donna entered into her first serious relationship, she was wary of telling her mother. She feared that since her mother had such a low opinion of men, her mother would disapprove of her being in a relationship. 

When Donna finally summoned the courage to tell her mother, her mother acted as if she had not even heard her. She never expressed any curiosity about this man or even asked Donna how the relationship was going. This made Donna feel very sad and guilty--as if she was doing something wrong by having a life of her own and being in a relationship, as if she wasn't entitled to her own happiness.

Shortly after that, Donna began finding faults with her boyfriend and they started arguing. Within a few months, they were broken up. When Donna told her mother about the breakup, her mother responded by telling her to come home and spend time with her. Her mother seemed to have no recognition that Donna was heart broken.

This same pattern continued in most of Donna's relationships. She felt pulled between the man that she loved and a "loyalty" that she felt for her mother. By the time that Donna came to see me, she was miserable. She was also aware that she was ruining an otherwise wonderful relationship with a man that she really loved. But she didn't know how to stop engaging in this behavior.

We began by doing inner child work to help Donna understand and appreciate the root of her problems. Over time, she learned to have more compassion for herself when she was a child and as an adult. She also started to see how her own inner emotional conflict caused her to feel that she had to choose between her boyfriend and her mother.

With a lot of work in therapy, Donna started feeling more entitled to have a happy life and not to sacrifice her life for her mother. She also learned to see that her codependent relationship with her mother was not helping her mother or her. 

So, gradually, over time, she changed her behavior towards her mother. Rather than calling her mother several times a day, she called her once a week. Rather than spending hours on the phone listening to her mother's problems and trying to "fix" them, Donna encouraged her mother to get help.

Donna's mother did not respond well to this new change in Donna. After a few weeks of this, Donna's mother refused to talk to Donna and told her that she would talk to her when Donna "came to her senses again." 

This was a serious emotional challenge for Donna, and part of her wanted to revert back to her old behavior to "rescue" her mother. But, deep down, Donna realized that she needed to stick to what she knew was best for her and her relationship with her boyfriend. 

She also realized now that her mother would never get help for her alcoholism as long as Donna provided her with an emotional crutch. So, even though it was very difficult for her, Donna refrained from reverting back to her former dysfunctional way of relating to her mother.

After several months, Donna's relationship with her boyfriend improved substantially. Even though she missed her mother, Donna realized that she felt happier than she had ever felt and she finally felt entitled to her happiness. She also reconciled her relationship with her father.

About a year later, she received a call from her mother. Her mother told Donna that she had just completed a 28-day rehab and she wanted to reconcile her relationship with Donna. And, for the first time, she told Donna that she wanted to meet her boyfriend. This was the beginning of Donna and her mother having a healthy relationship together without much of the guilt, codependence, and ambivalence from the past.

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships
Even though this article focuses on ambivalence and codependence in mother-daughter relationships, I want to also say that there are many mothers and daughters who have healthy relationships. 

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships

Even mother-daughter relationships that begin with the sort of enmeshment, codependence and ambivalence that were involved with Donna's relationship with her mother often improve when one or, preferably both, people get psychological help.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are part of an emotionally unhealthy mother-daughter dynamic and you want to establish a healthier relationship, you could benefit from attending psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR therapist in New York City.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Life Time.

Setting Boundaries: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family

I began a discussion about enmeshment in an earlier article, Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Topics in the Current Article

In the current article, I'm covering:

• What is Enmeshment?
• What Causes Enmeshment in Families?
• How to Overcome Enmeshment
• Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Enmeshment

What is Enmeshment?

If you grew up in an enmeshed family you probably had at least some of the following issues:

• There was a lack of physical and emotional boundaries.

• There was a tendency to focus on what's best for other family members and not what's best for you.

• You put other family members' happiness above your own.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• You feel guilt and shame, as an adult, if you put your needs above other family members. For instance,  you might not want to call your mother every week, but you feel guilty and ashamed if you don't because you know she wants you to call weekly.

• Your family's self worth is dependent upon your success.

• Your family expects you to share everything about your life--even things you might want to keep private. They get offended if you say something in your life is private.

• Your family might have imposed their ideas on you when you were a young adult instead of encouraging you to follow your own hopes and dreams. If you wanted to follow your own aspirations, they felt offended and you felt guilty and ashamed.

• Parents in enmeshed families tend to treat their children like friends instead of children because there is a lack of boundaries.

• You tend to avoid conflicts, even now as an adult, because you have difficulty setting limits.

• You lack a strong sense of who you are.

• You absorb other people's emotions around you because you lack appropriate boundaries (this is different from being an empath).

What Causes Enmeshment in Families?

Enmeshment usually develops in dysfunctional families and repeats the pattern from one generation to the next (see my article: 

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

It can be difficult to pinpoint when an enmeshed family dynamic started since it might go back generations and family members often have little to no awareness about the enmeshment.

Enmeshment often develops due to unresolved trauma, mental health problems, substance abuse, compulsive gambling or other related issues.

What is the Impact of Enmeshment in Adult Relationships?

The following characteristics are common for adults who grew up in enmeshed families?

• Low self esteem
  

• Anxiety
  

• Fear of abandonment
  

• Being out of touch with your feelings

• Feeling burdened by guilt and shame

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility

• Poor personal boundaries

• Difficulty setting boundaries with others

• Codependency
  

• Difficulty with assertiveness

• Difficulty with emotional regulation 

• Difficulty calming or soothing yourself emotionally

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the negative impact of enmeshed family dynamics and how psychotherapy can help:

Maria

Maria grew up in crowded family home where she shared a bed with her two older sisters. She had no privacy. 

When Maria was 15 years old, her oldest sister found Maria's diary, she read it to their parents, grandparents and siblings and they laughed at what Maria wrote about feeling sad.

Her parents and grandparents invalidated her feelings and told her she had nothing to feel sad about since she had a roof over her head, food and clothing.  They told her that only someone who had something terrible to hide from the family would even want to write in a diary.  Then, her father tore up her diary and threw it in the garbage. He told her she should be ashamed of herself for what she wrote.

When she turned 16 years old, Maria's maternal uncle, who came to live with her family, began touching her inappropriately when no one was around. He told her that he would hurt her sisters if she told anyone about the sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse).

One day her mother happened to come home early and she found her brother touching Maria's breasts. She threw her brother out of the house and she also blamed Maria for the sexual abuse.  

She told Maria it was her fault that the uncle touched her inappropriately. Then, she made Maria promise not to tell Maria's father because she feared what he might do to the uncle if he found out.

When it was time for Maria to choose a major in college, her parents insisted that she become a teacher--even though Maria wanted to become a medical doctor. Her parents told her that women shouldn't become doctors because they would have to see men's naked bodies and this was shameful for a woman.

Maria was upset that her parents were trying to force her to choose a career she didn't want so she sought help from a professor who referred her to the college counseling center.  

In counseling, Maria learned to set boundaries with her family--even though they didn't like it and they threatened to stop paying her tuition.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Her counselor helped Maria to get a scholarship and a room in a dorm so she could live independently from her family.  She took pre-med courses and, eventually, she went to medical school.

While she was in medical school, she sought help from a trauma therapist so she could deal with the impact of her enmeshed family, including the sexual abuse.

Even though her family didn't like that Maria was making her own decisions and setting boundaries with them, they accepted it reluctantly.  

While she was in medical school, Maria met her husband-to-be and she learned to have a healthy relationship with him with the tools she learned in therapy.

How to Overcome Enmeshment

To become a mature adult, children need to learn to become their own person at stages that are appropriate for their development at the time.  This is part of the individuation process.

Individuation means being your own person and not just an extension of your parents and other family members.

When you are appropriately individuated from your family, you can maintain your relationships with them with appropriate boundaries. You also learn how to be your own person physically, emotionally and psychologically.

To overcome enmeshment, you need to learn to:

• Set appropriate boundaries with family members (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Discover who you are as an individual apart from your family.

• Learn to stop feeling ashamed and guilty if what's right for you might make your family unhappy.

• Get help in therapy when trying to overcome enmeshment becomes too challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming enmeshment can be challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional with the right expertise can help you to develop the skills you need to overcome enmeshment and develop healthier relationships.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma, including enmeshed relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Does Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment Look Like in a Relationship?

In my prior article, Relationships: What Are the Underlying Issues With the Cat-and-Mouse Game?, I discussed the relationship dynamics of emotional pursuers and withdrawers and the underlying issues involved, including the pursuer's fear of abandonment and the withdrawer's fear of engulfment.

In the current article I'm focusing on what fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment look like in the same relationship.

Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment in a Relationship

What is Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is an overwhelming worry that people who are loved and cherished will leave. Although anyone can develop a fear of abandonment at any time, most of the time it's rooted in childhood trauma.  For instance, it could mean the loss of a parent who moved out or who died.  

This fear makes it difficult to have adult romantic relationships because this person feels vulnerable to being left in the same way s/he was left as a child (see my article: Fear of Abandonment).

What is Fear of Engulfment?

Fear of engulfment in a relationship is a fear of being trapped and smothered as well as a fear of losing independence.  

People who fear being engulfed show their fear by behaving emotionally indifferent, withdrawn, or distant.  They might cheat on their partner as a way of distancing themselves and creating emotional distance in the relationship. They might also find other ways to punish the partner who is an emotional pursuer.

This fear develops during childhood within an enmeshed family where family members were intrusive with each other and did not respect each other's personal boundaries (see my article: Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family).

Clinical Vignette

People who fear being abandoned often choose people who fear engulfment and vice versa.  These are not conscious choices.  These choices occur unconsciously.  

The clinical vignette below illustrates how this dynamic between the emotional pursuer (the person who fears being abandoned) and the emotional withdrawer (the person who fears being engulfed) plays out and how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples can help (see my article: What is EFT Therapy For Couples?).

This is just one way that fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment manifest in a relationship.  There are many other ways it can show up in a relationship.  However, the scenario presented below is a common example of this dynamic.

This vignette is made up of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Meg and Todd

Meg and Todd, who were both in their mid-30s, met and they felt immediate chemistry for each other. They began dating soon after they met.

During the first few months, they spent a lot of time together, which was fun, and sex was passionate, which they both enjoyed.  

As the relationship got serious, problems arose.  Meg realized how much she cared for Todd and she worried he might end the relationship and she would be devastated.  She was familiar with her fear of abandonment from psychotherapy sessions she attended in the past.  

Meg knew from her prior therapy that her fear of abandonment was related to a real abandonment that occurred when she was five when her father walked out of the house and he was never to be seen again.  

Although she knew about the origin of her fear, she didn't know how to stop it from happening whenever she developed deeper feelings for someone.  So, her insight about her fear didn't help her when she felt worried.

During this same time, as Todd developed stronger feelings for Meg, an old fear of his surface--his fear of being engulfed in the relationship.  

Initially, he liked spending a lot of time with Meg, but now that their relationship was much more serious, he felt trapped.  Todd wanted to spend less time with her and have more time to himself.  

He felt annoyed whenever Meg told him about plans she wanted to make with him.  Outwardly, he went along with it, but inwardly he felt like screaming that he cared about her, but he needed his independence.  

He also sensed how fearful she was that their relationship wouldn't work out and he would leave, which he secretly thought about whenever he felt especially trapped.

Things came to a head six months into the relationship when Meg told Todd she wanted to talk about the relationship.  From her earnest look, Todd knew Meg was going to ask him where he thought the relationship was going and if he was thinking of a future with her.  He was also aware that Meg wanted to get pregnant in the next year or two and this added to the pressure (see my article: Is It Time For "The Talk"?).

When they sat down to talk, they were both silent at first.  Meg seemed to be waiting for Todd to speak and Todd was silent and dreading this conversation.  Finally, Todd broke the silence by telling Meg that he cared for her a lot, but he had mixed feelings about whether they had a future together.

Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment in a Relationship

This was exactly what Meg feared and she broke down crying uncontrollably.  Her fear of abandonment was being triggered. 

Seeing her reaction, Todd wasn't sure what to do.  On the one hand, he felt he should comfort her.  But, on the other hand, he felt like running away because he felt overwhelmed by her reaction.  Todd's fear of being engulfed was being triggered.

So, they were both triggered.  Meg sat crying on the couch and Todd suppressed his urge to run out of the room.  It was almost as if he was paralyzed.

At Meg's insistence, they started couples therapy with an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples) therapist (see my article: How EFT For Couples Can Improve Your Relationship).

Todd just went along with it at first to please Meg.  But as time went on, he became curious and more engaged in couples therapy.

Over time, the EFT therapist helped Meg and Todd to look at their negative cycle together.  Rather than blame each other, she helped them to get curious about their dynamic.  

As they continued to attend couples therapy, Meg learned that she was an emotional pursuer and Todd learned he was an emotional withdrawer and their dynamics were rooted in their childhood experiences (see my article: Emotional Pursuers).

Todd learned that he developed his fear of engulfment due to the dynamics in his enmeshed family.  Both of his parents were strict disciplinarians.  They were highly critical and imposed their will on him until he got fed up and moved out after he graduated college.  Even after he was on his own, his parents refused to respect Todd's personal boundaries.  

Even now that he was in his mid-30s, they expressed their strong negative opinions about almost everything he did.  So, he had a lot of pent up resentment towards them and these experiences created a fear of being trapped and overwhelmed.

Gradually, Tom came to see how his emotional withdrawal with Meg was related to his unresolved childhood experiences (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 1 and Part 2).

Unlike her prior therapy, which was cognitive behavioral (CBT), Meg experienced EFT, which is a type of experiential therapy, in an embodied way.  Instead of having just intellectual understanding about her fear of abandonment, she felt the insight emotionally as well as viscerally.

Their therapist explained to them how people often make unconscious choices when they choose someone to be in a relationship.  She explained that these choices often bring up what they fear the most.  

In other words, an emotional pursuer often unconsciously chooses an emotional withdrawer and vice versa for an emotional withdrawer.

As Meg and Todd learned to turn towards each other to work together to change their negative dynamic, they grew closer together.  

EFT Helps Couples to Develop a Healthier Relationship

By the time they completed EFT couples therapy, Meg and Todd changed their negative cycle into a healthier dynamic.  

There were still times when Meg still feared being abandoned and Todd still feared being engulfed, but they were able to talk about it and get out of that negative cycle based on what they learned in EFT (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keep You Both Stuck).

Eventually, Todd and Meg each got into their own individual therapy to work on their own. unresolved childhood trauma that created their fears.  Working through the trauma enabled them to free themselves of the fears that manifested in their relationship.

Conclusion

It's not unusual for a person with a fear of abandonment and a person with fear of engulfment to unconsciously choose each other for a relationship.

A couple with this dynamic can get stuck in a negative cycle indefinitely because they don't understand the dynamic they are in and they don't know how to stop it.  T

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, which is an attachment-based therapy, helps couples to understand their dynamic and then work together to change it so they can have a healthier relationship together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

   

Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries Within an Enmeshed Family

As an adult, learning to develop healthy boundaries with your family of origin can be difficult, especially if you come from an enmeshed family (see my article:  Overcoming Shame: Enmeshed Families).

Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries Within an Enmeshed Family

Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries Within an Enmeshed Family: Adolescence Through 20s, 30s and Beyond
Learning to separate emotionally in a healthy way from your family of origin is something that everyone goes through in your adolescence, 20s, 30s and beyond.

During adolescence, teens usually begin to identify more with their peers and less so with their parents and siblings.  This is part of normal development.  This is usually the beginning of having some autonomy that is age appropriate.

In healthy families, parents usually understand that this is part of normal adolescent emotional development and make allowances for some of the turbulent changes that take place during this period.

But in enmeshed families, one or both parents often take offense to an adolescent who is going through these changes.  They don't recognize this as part of normal development and often see it as a form of betrayal.  This creates even more tension in what can be a very confusing time for a teen.

Most teens will rebel against parents who try to keep them enmeshed in the family system.  This, in turn, often leads to a clash of wills as these parents try to force their teens to bend to their will and the teens are just as adamant that they're not going to knuckle under.

Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family: Teenage Rebellion

Other teens succumb to the parents' guilt-inducing tactics and fall in line completely with their parents' wishes to remain part of an enmeshed family system.  These teens and their parents don't realize that this will have repercussions for the teens later on in adulthood because they haven't learned to develop healthy emotional boundaries in an age appropriate way.  They are much more likely to choose romantic partners who are codependent and who also want an enmeshed romantic relationship.

Other teens struggle somewhere in between on an continuum, asserting themselves in certain situations and not in others, making adolescence a very difficult period in their lives.

I've seen many parents make matters worse by continually trying to up the ante, to no avail.  They don't realize that they're actually doing more damage to their relationships with their children than if they had more patience and understanding.

As teens develop into young adults in their 20s and 30s, the period of healthy emotional separation and individuation continues.  Once young adults in their 20s and 30s can move out of the family household, this helps, but it's not the complete answer for many adults who continue to struggle their whole lives to have a healthy emotional life rather than continuing to feel trapped in an enmeshed family.

Developing Healthy Boundaries Within an Enmeshed Family: An Inner Conflict Between What You Think and What You Feel
As I mentioned in my prior blog post about enmeshed families, shame and guilt are the two emotions that are prevalent for teens and adults who grew up in enmeshed families.

Even people who manage to set healthy boundaries with their families often continue to struggle with  shame and guilt, as if they're doing something wrong or against their families.

This can be difficult to overcome on your own.  You might know on an intellectual level that what they're doing for themselves is right, but it continues to feel wrong.  This inner conflict between thinking and feeling can be exhausting.

Overcoming Guilt and Shame With Mind-Body Psychotherapy
In my experience, the most effective type of therapy to overcome the guilt and shame involved in this type of situation is mind-body psychotherapy which helps to integrate the various aspects of yourself that are in conflict.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how mind-body psychotherapy can help someone who is struggling with this issue:

Sonia:
Sonia was born on an island in the Caribbean, and she came to the US with her parents and maternal grandparents when she was a year old.

By the time she was a teenager, Sonia, like many teens, wanted to spend more time with friends her age.  But her parents insisted that she spend most of her free time with the family.

Sonia loved her family, but she longed to be with her friends.  She pleaded with her parents to let her go out to visit friends, but her parents didn't want her visiting her friends' homes, nor did they want Sonia's friends coming over.

Both of Sonia's parents grew up in households where they had many siblings, so they didn't feel the need to make friends outside the family.  They didn't understand that Sonia, who was an only child, was lonely and needed to develop close friendships of her own.

Whenever Sonia would try to explain to her parents that she just wanted to see her friends, her parents couldn't understand why she would want to see her friends at their homes since she had just seen them at school.

When Sonia turned 16, she began sneaking out of the house at night.  Her parents thought she was in her room doing her homework, but she climbed out the fire escape in her room to go see her friends.

This went on for a while--until one evening when Sonia's mother went to her room and discovered that Sonia wasn't home.

When Sonia came back up the fire escape, she was shocked to find her mother sitting in her room.  From then on, Sonia and her parents had a lot of conflict until Sonia was old enough to go away to college.  After she left, she never moved back in.  After graduation, she shared an apartment with friends she met at college and only saw her parents occasionally.

Even though Sonia took steps to set healthy boundaries with her family so she could have a life of her own, she still felt very guilt and ashamed, as if she had let her family down.

Her parents remained rigid in their expectations and this made the occasional family visits very tense.

By the time Sonia was in her mid-20s, she was feeling increasingly guilty and ashamed, caught between doing what she knew was right for herself, but feeling like she wasn't "a good daughter." So, she came to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC to try to work out this issue.


Using a combination of Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis, I helped Sonia to feel entitled to having a life of her own.  We worked to integrate the different aspects of herself which were in conflict with each other.

Sonia learned that she couldn't change her parents, but she could change herself.  Over time, as she became more comfortable with the decisions she made for herself as an adult, she also learned to have more compassion for her parents who grew up in a different time and culture.

At that point, she was better able to be compassionate because she felt comfortable with herself.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether it's clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing or EMDR, when practiced by a licensed psychotherapist, these mind-body treatment modalities can help access the unconscious mind to heal the internal conflict so you can, not only think, but also feel that you deserve a life of your own.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.