How is Fear of Abandonment Related to Insecure Attachment Styles

I have discussed fear of abandonment in prior articles:

• How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

• Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Trauma Therapy 

• Self Abandonment - Part 1

• Self Abandonment - Part 2

The Connection Between Fear of Abandonment and Attachment Styles

In the current article, I'm discussing the connection between fear of abandonment and insecure attachment styles (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

Fear of Abandonment

Abandonment Issues and An Anxious Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an anxious attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A need for constant communication. A text, email or a call which is not answered quickly can trigger anxiety and fear of abandonment

• A need for physical contact whenever possible

• A discomfort with being alone

Fear of Abandonment and Anxious Attachment Style

• A tendency to be clingy in relationships

• A need for constant reassurance and validation due to fear of rejection

• A need to engage in people pleasing and fawning due to a conscious or unconscious fear of being left

• Jealousy of a partner's friends and/or family members due to fear the partner will choose to prioritize them

• Retroactive jealousy for a partner's past partners--even though those prior partners are no longer around.

Abandonment Issues and An Avoidant Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an avoidant attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A need to be excessively self reliant to the point of not wanting to be reliant even in a healthy way with their partner due to a history of not being able to rely on caretakers as a child (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?

• Difficulty asking for help due to fears of being rejected or disappointed by others

Fear of Abandonment and Avoidant Attachment Style

• Difficulty feeling or expressing emotions

• Using distraction or deflection when difficult emotions come up instead of communicating about these emotions directly

• A deep-seated mistrust of others due to not having reliable caregivers

• An avoidance of making a commitment in a relationship due to fear of being left

• A need to push others away with criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling (see my article: Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• A sudden change in mood when feelings of being ignored, rejected or invalidated come up

Abandonment Issues and a Disorganized Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an disorganized attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A discomfort with emotional and/or sexual intimacy due to fear of being vulnerable, rejected or left

• Alternating between an intense desire for connection and not wanting connection out of fear of being left or not trusting

Fear of Abandonment and Disorganized Attachment Style

• Keeping loved ones and others at arms length with self sabotaging behavior 

• Sudden changes in mood due to feelings of being rejected, ignored or abandoned

Self Care for Abandonment Issues

The following self care suggestions might be helpful:

• Be aware of your past trauma and how it is affecting you now (see my article: Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Adult Relationships)

• Communicate your emotional needs to your partner. Don't expect your partner to know what your needs are without telling them.

Fear of Abandonment and Self Care: Communicate Your Needs

• Practice mindfulness

• Learn emotional negulation so you can calm yourself when you're feeling rejected, ignored, invalidated or abandoned.

• Learn to challenge your distorted beliefs about yourself and others

Get Help in Trauma Therapy
Regardless of your attachment style, abandonment issues can be challenging.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through your past trauma so you can approach close relationships without your history of trauma having a negative impact on these relationships.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced skills and experience in trauma therapy so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Trauma Therapy

Fear of abandonment is an issue that is more common than most people realize.  

Fear of Abandonment

Prior Articles

In the past, I have written about abandonment issues in prior articles including:

Self Abandonment - Part 1 and Part 2

How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

The Current Article

The current article will focus on:

• What is Fear of Abandonment?

• What Causes Fear of Abandonment?

• What Are Signs and Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment?

• How Can Trauma Therapy Help to Heal Fear of Abandonment?

What is Fear of Abandonment?

Some of the signs and symptoms of fear of abandonment might include some or all of the following:

• Fear of Rejection: People who have abandonment issues often have a fear of being rejected--even when there is no objective reason to have this fear.

• Difficulty Trusting Others: A fear of trusting others often involves a fear that someone will hurt or leave them.

Fear of Abandonment

• Dependency: A fear of abandonment can lead to someone becoming overly dependent on others to give them reassurance and validation.

• Relationship Problems: This includes getting involved in a relationship too quickly, making unhealthy relationship choices, sabotaging a relationship or staying in an unhealthy relationship to avoid being alone (see my article: Is Your Fear of Being Alone Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship?).

• Low Self Esteem: Low self esteem can create difficulties in all areas of life including developing connections with others (see my article: Overcoming Low Self Esteem).

What Causes Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment can develop in many different ways.

The most common reason for abandonment issues is childhood trauma including:

• Losing a Parent (see my article: Fatherless Daughters)

• Childhood Emotional Neglect (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?)

• Inconsistent and/or Chaotic Caregiving (see my article: Dynamics of Adult Children From Dysfunctional Families)

• Physical and/or sexual abuse

Other possible causes:

• Unresolved Trauma: Physical or emotional abuse at any time in life can lead to fears of being abandoned (see my article: Unresolved Trauma Can Negatively Impact Your Ability to Be in Romantic Relationships).

• Relationship Instability: Unstable relationships can create a sense of insecurity.

What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment?

Common signs include:

• People pleasing (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response)

• Jealousy including:

• Jealousy of other friendships or family relationships

• Jealousy of prior relationships (see my article: Retroactive Jealousy)

Jealousy and Fear of Abandonment

• Problems trusting a significant other's intentions--even when there is no objective reason not to trust

• Difficulty being emotionally vulnerable and sexually intimate

• Needing to feel controlled by a partner

• Needing to control a partner

• Getting involved in a relationship too quickly before getting to know the other person

• Settling for an unhealthy relationship to avoid being alone

How Can Trauma Therapy Help With Fear of Abandonment?

Trauma therapy is a general term for different types of therapy developed specifically to help clients overcome trauma (see my article: How Does Trauma Therapy Work?)

Trauma therapy includes:

• EMDR Therapy

• Parts Work Therapy: Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Ego States Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Therapy)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Hypnotherapy (Also known as Clinical Hypnosis)

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how trauma therapy can help to overcome abandonment issues.

Alice

When Alice was five years old, her father left the family suddenly and they never heard from him again.

After her father left, Alice had nightmares almost every night where she saw her father and she would ask him why he left, but the dream always ended before he responded.  When she woke up in the morning, her dream seemed so real that she felt like she had actually seen her father--until she became fully awake and she realized it was a dream.

After her father abandoned the family, Alice's mother had to work three jobs to support the family, As a result, Alice spent most of the time with her elderly maternal grandparents, who criticized Alice's father to her. In response, Alice wanted to tell her grandparents that she loved and missed her father, but she was too afraid to sound like she was contradicting them, so she kept her sadness to herself.

After her father deserted the family, Alice had a hard time making friends. She lacked confidence in herself and she believed the other children didn't like her.  She was also afraid that if she tried to make friends with anyone, she would be rejected.  So, Alice spent a lot time alone in her room.

When she got to high school, she was aware that many people in her school were dating, but her self esteem was so low that she didn't believe anyone would like her.

When she got to college, she met a friendly young woman, Tina, who took Alice under her wing and introduced her to some of the other young women at the college. Tina was so outgoing and friendly that Alice met a lot of people on campus through her, but she still didn't feel confident.

After she graduated from college, Alice moved into an apartment in New York City with Tina. She found a job as a software engineer and she mostly worked on her own. Other than the friends that Tina introduced her to, Alice had no other friends of her own.

She was aware her low self esteem was holding her back personally and professionally, so she sought help in therapy to try to understand why she was having these problems.  She wanted to go out on dates, but she was afraid that if she liked someone, he might reject her.

Fear of Abandonment and Trauma Therapy

Her therapist was a trauma therapist who had advanced skills in trauma therapy.  After her therapist did a thorough family history, she traced Alice's fear of abandonment to her father's disappearance (see my article: Why is Family History Important in Therapy?).

Her therapist used a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy to help Alice to heal from her trauma.

As Alice began to develop a little more self confidence, she began dating a man she met at a discussion group. Tom was kind, intelligent and patient with Alice but, even though she knew she had no objective reason for not trusting him, she had a hard time letting her guard down when she was with him (see my article: What Does Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment Look Like in a Relationship?).

Healing from her childhood trauma was neither quick nor easy. But, over time, with the help of her therapist, Alice was able to separate her childhood trauma of being abandoned by her father from her experiences with Tom (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").

Fear of Abandonment and Trauma Therapy

As she opened up more, her relationship with Tom improved and she was able to make new friends more easily.

Although she felt more emotionally secure with herself, there were still times when she had setbacks but, overall, she felt her life was opening up to new and rewarding experiences.

Conclusion

Abandonment issues usually stem from childhood issues, but they can also develop or become exacerbated by an unhealthy adult relationships or experiences.

Fear of being abandoned rarely, if ever, gets resolved on its own.

Trauma therapy is specifically designed to help clients to overcome trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome traumatic experiences like fear of abandonment or other unresolved trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training and skills in trauma therapy.

Overcoming trauma can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

I've written prior articles about fear of abandonment (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment).

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

In the current article I'm getting into my more detail to explore fear of abandonment.

What is Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is a common form of anxiety including a fear of being abandoned by family members and significant others.

How Does Fear of Abandonment Manifest?

Fear of abandonment can manifest as

• Clinginess
• Distrust
• Difficulty establishing and maintaining close relationships

What Causes Fear of Abandonment?

Everyone's experience is different.

Generally, fear of abandonment is often caused by past experiences and unresolved trauma including past relationship trauma and/or early childhood trauma.

What Are Some of the Signs and Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment?

    Emotional Signs and Symptoms include:

• Anxiety and panic: Feeling overwhelmed and distressed by the possibility of being abandoned

• Distrust: Difficulty trusting others and fear others will leave

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

• Sensitivity to Criticism or Rejection: Reacting intensely to perceived criticism or rejection

• Fear of Intimacy: Fear of getting close to someone and, possibly, pushing them away if there is already a relationship

• Worry When It Seems Things Are Going Too Well: Feeling anxious when things seem to be going too well due to fear it will not last

Behavioral Signs and Symptoms include:

• Clinginess: Being overly dependent and needing constant reassurance

• Manipulative Behavior: Trying to control or manipulate others to avoid being left

• People Pleasing: Going to great lengths to avoid conflict and rejection

• Sabotaging Relationships: Intentionally pushing people away or ending a relationship before they can be abandoned

• Social Isolation: Avoiding social situations or relationships to avoid getting hurt or abandoned (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

What Are the Roots of Fear of Abandonment?

• Childhood Experiences: Being emotionally neglected, abused or experiencing  inconsistent parenting can lead to emotional insecurity and a fear of being abandoned (see my article: How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Affect Adult Relationships).

• Traumatic Events: Unresolved childhood trauma, such as the death of a parent or other loved ones, can develop into a fear of being abandoned.

• Anxious Attachment Style: People who have an anxious attachment style can develop a fear of being abandoned.

How Can You Overcome Fear of Abandonment?

• Self Care: Practicing self compassion, engaging in activities that enhance your well-being and building a strong sense of self

• Developing Healthy Relationships: Establishing healthy relationships with people who are trustworthy, reliable and responsible 

• Seeking Emotional Support: Seeking support among loved ones who are emotionally supportive 
• 
  
• Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy: Making a commitment to work through unresolved trauma in trauma therapy (see my article: What is Trauma Therapy?).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how trauma therapy can help an individual to overcome fear of abandonment:

Sara

When Sara first started dating Ed, she enjoyed her time with him. But as time went on and they developed stronger feelings for each other, Sara felt more insecure and anxious. She began worrying time that Ed would leave her now that she was in love with him. 

She would ask him repeatedly for reassurance that he wasn't planning on leaving her, which he was willing to do at first. But, after a while, he realized that no amount of reassurance would relieve her anxiety.

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

When her anxiety felt out of control, she sought help in trauma therapy. 

In trauma therapy, she found out that her anxiety and insecurity had nothing to do with Ed--it mostly involved unresolved trauma regarding the emotional neglect she experienced as a child.

Over time, Sara learned how to separate her childhood experiences from her relationship with Ed. It wasn't easy, but she learned how to regulate her emotions during those moments when she felt anxious around Ed so she could be more present with him (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma: Learn to Separate Your Experiences From Back Then From Your Experiences Now).

Her therapist also used EMDR Therapy to help her to overcome her unresolved childhood trauma so it was no longer getting triggered when she was with Ed.

The work in trauma therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Sara overcame her anxiety and she and Ed became much closer.

Conclusion

Fear of abandonment is a common form of anxiety.

Fear of abandonment can come up for a variety of reasons, as mentioned earlier in this article.

If this anxiety isn't addressed in therapy, it can get worse over time, so it's better to get help sooner rather than later in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Many people don't realize they have fear of abandonment until they enter into an exclusive relationship where emotional vulnerability comes up.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have tried to overcome fear of abandonment on your own without success, you could benefit from working with a skilled trauma therapist who has training and expertise in trauma therapy, like EMDR or other types of trauma therapy like AEDP, Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and other forms of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma)

Once you have worked through your fear and anxiety about being abandoned, you can live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience as trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Leaving Therapy Prematurely: "Feeling Better" Isn't Always a Good Reason to Stop Therapy

While it's understandable that people want to feel better, feeling better isn't always a good reason to stop therapy--especially when there is unresolved trauma that remains unaddressed (see my article: Why Do Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely?).

Sometimes people leave therapy because they're afraid to deal with the emotions that come up when they do deeper work in therapy. 

Many of them have never learned to deal with uncomfortable emotions so, rather than talk to their therapist about this, they leave, but their problems remain unresolved (see my article: A "Flight Into Health" As An Escape From Therapy).

Leaving Therapy Prematurely

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette which is, as always, a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates why feeling better isn't always a good reason to leave therapy:

Bob

Bob, who was in his mid-30s, started therapy after his girlfriend left him. He was heartbroken and the breakup triggered feelings of abandonment from his early unresolved childhood trauma when his father left the family unexpectedly.

Bob began doing trauma therapy to deal with his current feelings of abandonment by his girlfriend as well as the earlier unresolved trauma.

After attending therapy for a few weeks, Bob met Marie at a party.  After a couple of weeks of dating Marie, he had all the "feel good" emotions people experience during the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

When Bob went to his next therapy session, he told his therapist he wanted to leave therapy. He said he no longer wanted to work on his earlier trauma because he was "feeling better." 

His therapist explained to Bob why it would be beneficial to complete the therapy. She told him that, even though he felt better at that point, his underlying abandonment issues were still present--even though he didn't feel them at that moment because he was head over heels for Marie.  

Bob decided to leave therapy against his therapist's advice. He was feeling great--until his relationship with Marie fell apart three months later when she told him she no longer wanted to see him.  Then, all his old abandonment feelings came rushing back and he felt worse than before.

When he returned to his trauma therapist, he returned with a much deeper understanding of what she told him before he left therapy a few months before.  This time he made a commitment to stay in therapy to work through his unresolved childhood abandonment issues. 

He understood at that point that "feeling better" due to external circumstances was not a reason for him to drop out of therapy.

Conclusion

It might sound counterintuitive that "feeling better" isn't always a good reason to leave therapy.  But when leaving therapy is based on external reasons and unresolved trauma doesn't get worked through, the trauma remains an underlying issue until it gets triggered again.

It might take longer than you anticipate to work through unresolved trauma, especially if there was a long pattern of childhood trauma, but keeping your commitment to work through these issues will help you in the long run to stop getting triggered.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in trauma work.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Living free from your trauma history can help you to live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist, I have helped individual adults and couples to work through unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Unresolved Trauma Can Make It Difficult For You to Feel Secure Even in a Healthy Relationship

Anxiety can be a useful signal when you're in a dangerous situation. 

For instance, if you're walking in the woods and there's been a report of a bear lurking around, your anxiety can trigger your self-protective instincts to be on the lookout for the bear.

Early Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships

But when you feel anxiety about your relationship when you know objectively you're in a healthy relationship, your anxiety is misplaced and this could be a sign that the problem is rooted in the past.

See my articles: 

How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships

When Your Traumatic Past is Triggering You in the Present

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette which, as always, is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how past trauma can affect a current relationship and how trauma therapy can help:

Gina

Several months before Gina started trauma therapy, she felt very happy and grateful to be in her relationship with Bill.  But six months into her relationship, she began to feel anxious for no apparent reason. Nothing had changed in her relationship with Bill, but she was overwhelmed with insecurity and a sense of impending doom.  

After talking to her close friends, who knew Gina had a long history of unresolved trauma, Gina began trauma therapy to try to understand how her family history might be affecting her experience in her relationship.

During the history taking session, Gina described a tumultuous family history which included significant attachment trauma including the death of her father before she was born and many uprootings in terms of her mother and Gina relocating almost every year to a new state.  

As a result of her attachment trauma and all the moving around from state to state, Gina had a lot of difficulty making friends because every time she formed friendships, she experienced the loss of those friends when she and her mother moved out of state.

Gina also had a history of good relationships where, similar to her relationship with Bill, she would be happy during the first few months, but then she would become anxious for no particular reason. 

Even though there was no objective reason to believe that her current boyfriend, Bill, would leave her, she was preoccupied with fear of abandonment and she would need a lot of reassurance from him that he wasn't going to end the relationship (see my article: Relationships and Fear of Abandonment).

Over time, Gina learned in therapy how her traumatic history was affecting her current relationship. 

Her trauma therapist used various modes of Experiential Therapy to help Gina to work on her early trauma so her early experiences would no longer be the source of her insecurity, anxiety and fear of abandonment in her current relationship., including the following trauma therapy modalities:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Gradually, over time, Gina was able to separate her anxiety about her past traumatic experiences from her current experiences in her relationship (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma: Separating Then From Now).

Separating the Traumatic Past From the Present

This enabled Gina to be present in her relationship with Bill in a way she had not been able to do before she did trauma therapy.  As she worked through her early trauma, she was able to respond to Bill in a loving and trusting way.

Conclusion

You might know objectively that you're in a secure, healthy relationship, but past traumatic experiences can make you feel anxious and insecure in an otherwise good relationship.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and other types of trauma therapy, were developed specifically to help clients to overcome trauma in a more effective way than regular talk therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you think your traumatic past is having a negative impact on your current circumstances, you could benefit from trauma therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

This article focuses on philophobia (a fear of falling in love) and how you can overcome this debilitating fear (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love). 

What is Philophobia?

The word philophobia comes from Greek. Philos means loving and phobos is fear.

Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

Philophobia, which is a type of phobia, is not in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM), the manual used by psychotherapists to diagnose mental health disorders. However, the term philophobia describes a dynamic that therapists often see in clients who have experienced trauma or a history of difficult relationships.

People who suffer with philophobia often have a fear of being in a relationship or being able to maintain a relationship.

Fear of falling in love exists on a continuum.  Some people go through temporary periods in their lives when they feel too emotionally vulnerable to allow themselves to be open to love.

This temporary fear can occur after a traumatic breakup or another traumatic experience that creates fear of vulnerability. Over time, often with the help in therapy and a wish to overcome the loneliness, these people can overcome their fear so they can open up to the possibility of love

Other people, who have a more intense fear of falling in love, have difficulty even allowing themselves to meet potential romantic partners. They might even tell themselves they want to be "independent," which is often a pseudo independeance, so they live lonely and isolated lives (ee my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy and Emotional Connection).

Note: Philophobia is different from people who aromantic, which means they experience little to no romantic feelings for others.

What Causes Philophobia?

Fear of falling in love can have many potential causes including (but not limited to):

• Traumatic Childhood Experiences: This can include a family history of feeling unlovable or experiencing emotional neglect as a child. It can also include a family history where a child's normal need for love and emotional nurturance was shamed by parents who were also fearful of emotional vulnerability (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be in Adult Romantic Relationships).

• Previous Difficult Romantic Relationships: People who have a history of difficult or traumatic romantic relationships can develop a fear of allowing themselves to trust and open up to love again. This is often related to having early experiences in childhood where they felt unloved so that they continue to unconsciously choose people who will disappoint or abandon them.

• Cultural Pressure: People who are part of cultures that favor marriage at a young age with the focus on practicality and less of a focus on love can develop a fear of the emotional vulnerability involved with falling in love.  Also people who are different from their mainstream culture (e.g., LGBTQ+) often feel pressure to conform to cultural norms because they don't want to be shunned by their family, cultural or religious group.

What Are Common Signs of Philophobia?

The signs related to philophobia can be different for different people, however there are certain common telltale signs including (but not limited to):

• Persistent fear of love that lasts approximately six months or longer

Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

• Intense anxiety or fear of emotional vulnerability in a relationship

• Intense anxiety or fear which make someone fearful of giving or receiving love

• Symptoms interfere with someone's ability to enter into and/or maintain a relationship

What Are Potential Complications to Philophobia?

Living a lonely and isolated life can have serious physical and mental health repercussions including (but not limited to):

• Anxiety

• Panic Attacks

• Complex Trauma or PTSD

• Depression

• Insomnia

• Erectile Dysfunction

• Substance Misuse and other addictive or compulsive disorders

• Other Chronic Health Problems

How to Overcome Philophobia?

As mentioned above, philophobia develops from a difficult and often traumatic history.

Overcoming philophobia involves getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist and who can help you to manage your current symptoms as well as get to the root of your problem.

There are various forms of trauma therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Ego States Therapy (also known as Parts Work)

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)
  

• Other Types of Experiential Therapy 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

There are many people who live their whole lives with philophobia and never get help. They often live lonely and isolated lives which they regret at the end of their lives.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in trauma therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome your fear so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.