How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship

Resentment can fester and grow until it destroys a relationship. 

Rather than allowing resentment to grow and harden, it's better to find ways to overcome resentment as problems come up.

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

What is Resentment?

Resentment can include the following:

• Anger
• Disappointment
• Discontentment
• Frustration
• Feeling mistreated
• Indignation
• Irritation
• Disgust
• Holding onto a grudge/an inability to let go of anger

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

• Difficulty accepting apologies
• A chip on one's shoulder
• Animosity
• Hostility
• Hatred
• Bitterness
• Antipathy
• Antagonism
• Ambivalence about the relationship
• Ruminating about feeling mistreated
• Avoiding topics that can lead to arguments and more resentment
• Experiencing tension in the relationship
• Feeling emotionally disconnected from a partner
• Reacting in a passive aggressive way rather than confronting problems directly
• Feeling invisible
• Feeling unlovable

What Are Common Triggers of Resentment in Relationships?

Some of the most common triggers of resentment include:

• Feeling unseen and unheard by a partner
• Feeling put down/criticized
• Having unrealistic expectations of a partner
• Dealing with a partner who insists on always being right
• Dealing with a partner who is frequently forgetful or late
• Feeling taken advantage of by a partner
• Feeling burnt-out by ongoing unresolved problems in the relationship

How Does Resentment Affect a Relationship?

Resentment can affect a relationship in many different ways depending upon who feels the resentment and how long the resentment has been going on, including:

• Harboring anger and bitterness towards a partner that leads to expressing pent up anger unexpectedly and harshly
• Feeling less empathy for your partner
• Withdrawing emotionally from your partner
• Withdrawing sexually from your partner

Dealing with Resentment in Your Relationship

• Feeling disgust and/or disappointment for your partner
• Complaining a lot about your partner to others
• Feeling anxious about the relationship
• Feeling physical tension and stress-related health problems as a result of the relationship
• Feeling like you want to get away from your partner
• Feeling like your opinions don't matter to your partner
• Feeling ignored
• Feeling confusion and/or ambivalence about the relationship
• "Walking on eggshells" with your partner
• Wanting to end the relationship

How Can You and Your Partner Prevent Resentment From Building Up?

It's a lot easier to address issues as they come up instead of allowing resentment to grow and harden:

• Address problems as soon as they arise 
• Learn to communicate and express your feelings in a healthy way
• Keep your expectations realistic. Don't expect your partner to meet every single expectation that you have. Instead, focus on what's most important to you.

Tips on How to Overcome Existing Resentment

If you and your partner have avoided dealing with the resentment in your relationship, you're going to find it challenging. 

Here are some tips that can help:

• Acknowledge the Resentment: If you want your relationship to improve, you both need to be able to acknowledge your own and your partner's resentment--even if you both spent years avoiding it.

• Work on One Issue at a Time: Rather than "kitchen sinking" each other with a whole litany of complaints, focus on one issue at a time. Listen to your partner instead of getting defensive or responding by barraging your partner with your complaints.

• Be Aware of Your Part in the Resentment: You might be aware of your resentment towards your partner, but are you aware of the role you might be playing?

• Remember Your Partner's Good Qualities: In order to put your feelings into perspective and to help you reduce resentment, try to remember your partner's good qualities.

• Learn to Compromise: If you and your partner can find a compromise that you each can live with, this can go a long way to reducing resentment. By talking over the problems in your relationship, you and your partner might be able to come up with reasonable compromises so you can each feel heard and taken care of in the relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to identify the areas where you're stuck and help you to make decisions about your relationship--including whether you want to remain together or you want to end the relationship in an amicable way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Relationships: Dealing With an Ambivalent Partner

Dealing with an ambivalent partner can be frustrating and hurtful, especially if you're getting mixed messages and you don't know where you stand with your partner (see my article: The Connection Between Ambivalence and Mixed Messages).

Dealing with an Ambivalent Partner

Why Causes Relational Ambivalence?

There can be many reasons why a partner might be ambivalent about the relationship:

• A History of Trauma: Whether the trauma occurred early in their childhood or as a result of bad experiences in prior relationships, a history of trauma can make people fearful of getting emotionally involved again. Many people with a significant trauma history engage in push-pull dynamics where, at times, their behavior indicates they want to be in a relationship with you and, at other times, their behavior indicates they don't want to be in a relationship with you. They might pull you in when they fear you're losing interest or push you away when you're present and available due to their fear and emotional avoidance. People with early trauma often have insecure attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

• An Emotional Attachment to Their Ex: Being broken up with an ex doesn't mean that there might not still be a lingering emotional attachment between them. Feelings don't always go away after a breakup, so even though they might be free to see other people, some people still have strong feelings for their ex and they might not be emotionally available for someone new--even though they might want to be. If your partner is trying to maintain a friendship with an ex, you need to understand what that means. Sometimes people try to maintain a friendship with their ex because one or both of them are hoping they will get back together eventually. If this is the case, you might unknowingly be in the middle of a messy situation where you could be the odd one out. In other cases, people who maintain a friendship with their ex might have a codependent relationship with their ex where either they or their ex has expectations that they will be primary. This is not to say that many people aren't able to maintain a healthy friendship with an ex with no ulterior motives because many people do. You just need to understand the dynamics between your partner and their ex and if they have healthy boundaries with each other that will allow you to be primary with your partner (see my article: Is Your Partner Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With an Ex?).

• A Different Perspective on Relationships: There are so many choices these days about what kind of relationship you can have. Most people prefer to have a monogamous relationship, but about 4-5% of the population either have, want to have or have had a consensual nonmonogamous relationship. This is a topic to discuss early on when you're dating someone, but not everyone is clear on what they want. If they're considering consensual nonmonogamy as a possibility, but they're not sure, you might get mixed messages because they haven't decided yet. It's better to know this early on, especially if you and your partner aren't on the same wavelength. Even if both of you want a monogamous relationship, you might have different definitions about what monogamy means to each of you, so it's better to talk about this while dating (see my article: The Advantages of Having a Relationship Agreement in Monogamous or Nonmonogamous Relationship).

• A Different Perspective on Respect and Boundaries: You can't assume that everyone will have the same perspective as you when it comes to respect and maintaining healthy boundaries, especially if you experience certain behaviors from your partner, including:

• Inconsistent Behavior: Inconsistency can show up in many ways. For instance, although most people are busy, they will make an effort to respond in a timely manner to calls and texts (assuming you're not texting or calling too many times). Another example is someone who is inconsistent as to when they want to see you or who shows up late (or not at all). Maybe they want to see you a couple of times one week, but then you don't hear from them for a couple of weeks, so you don't know where you stand with them.  This is disrespectful behavior.

Dealing With Your Partner's Inconsistent Behavior

• Not Introducing You to Friends and Family as Their Partner: This is often a red flag. If you and your partner have established that you're in an exclusive relationship with each other and they don't make an effort to introduce you to people they are close to after a reasonable time or they introduce you but they don't mention that you're their significant other, they're not respecting you. This could be deliberate because there might be other people in a social situation they're interested in. It might also be because, even though they made a commitment to you, they haven't fully committed on an emotional level. If you have both agreed to be exclusive, you deserve to be introduced to close people in your partner's life as their significant other. If not, this is disrespectful behavior.

• A Need to Maintain Control: Some people, especially people with insecure attachment, need to feel they have the upper hand in a relationship. They want to have power and control in the relationship. One way people, who have an insecure attachment style combined with a manipulative personality, do this is by keeping you off kilter and guessing how they feel about you and what you mean to them.  Even if your partner isn't narcissistic or manipulative, they might have a fear of abandonment so they might try to mitigate their fear by maintaining control over the relationship (see my article: How Therapy Can Help With Fear of Abandonment).

How to Set Healthy Boundaries With an Ambivalent Partner

The Early Stage of Dating

The early stage of dating can involve a fair amount of anxiety and ambiguity, especially because people often date multiple people at the same time.

Discussing what you want out of a potential relationship is something you want to address early on. For instance, if you know you want to be in a nonmonogamous relationship or you want a monogamish relationship but the person you're dating doesn't want this, it's better to know this early on so you can wish each other well and meet other people.

Talk About What You Want While Dating

Even if you're both on the same page about what you each want, the early stage of dating can be confusing if you really like someone and you're unsure where you stand with them. 

After a few months (or whatever timeframe you consider reasonable), you can ask them how they're feeling about things between you and be prepared to talk about your feelings, needs and wants. Even though having this talk can make you feel emotionally vulnerable, you can save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run.

If You Both Agree to Be in a Relationship

If you're already in a relationship with your partner and you feel they're behaving in an ambivalent or inconsistent way with you, you need to address this early on or this could become an ongoing pattern (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship).

Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship

If you're in a relationship and your partner behaves in an ambivalent or inconsistent way and you don't address it, you're signaling to your partner that you're okay with their behavior.

Even if you know their behavior isn't narcissistic and manipulative, you deserve to be treated well regardless of your partner's history or circumstances. 

What You Can Do If You're in a Relationship With an Ambivalent Partner

Every circumstance is different and only you can decide what's best for you.

The following suggestions might be helpful to you:

• Get Clear With Yourself That You Deserve to Be Treated Well By Your Partner: You can't set healthy boundaries with your partner if you feel you don't deserve it. Journaling can help you to clarify your thoughts and emotional needs. Often people who have been emotionally abused or emotionally neglected early in life grow up to feel they don't deserve to be treated well. If this is you, get help from a licensed mental health professional to deal with your traumatic history.

• Be Clear and Specific With Your Partner About Your Emotional Needs: Some things might be negotiable with your partner, but when it comes to respect and healthy boundaries, you want to be clear on what you need. Be specific about what you will and won't tolerate and, if they're not willing to change or get help to change, you need to make a decision about how much of an emotional investment you want to make in this relationship, especially since this kind of relational ambivalence often doesn't change without help.

Be Clear and Specific About Your Emotional Needs

• Be Compassionate If Your Partner is Struggling and Still Set Boundaries: If their ambivalence is due to unresolved trauma or hurtful experiences in prior relationships, you can be compassionate but still set and maintain healthy boundaries. Don't sacrifice your emotional needs.

• Be Ready to Walk Away If Your Partner Doesn't Make a Significant Effort to Change: If you and your partner agree to certain boundaries and your partner doesn't make a significant effort to change, don't get stuck in a relationship where you're not being treated well. Too many people set boundaries with their partner and then continue to accept poor behavior for years because they hope their partner will eventually change.  This might sound harsh, but life is short and if your partner is only giving lip service to making changes without actually making any changes, you need to make a hard choice on what you want in your life. Don't let your denial keep you stuck if they're not making a significant effort. 

Get Help in Therapy

Setting and maintaining boundaries with a partner can be challenging especially when you love them or you fear being alone or making an effort to date again.

Get Help in Therapy

Working with a individual therapist for yourself or a couples therapist for you and your partner can help to resolve problems with relational ambivalence.

A skilled therapist can help you to take steps to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

4 Reasons Why Attending Sessions Consistently is Important For Your Progress in Therapy

Many clients ask at the start of therapy how often they need to attend therapy. 

Since most of us have busy lives, this is a legitimate question.  

Consistency is Important For Progress in Therapy

It's also common for people to feel anxious and ambivalent at the start of therapy (see my article: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent at the Start of Therapy).

Research indicates that attending therapy sessions on a weekly basis is essential to make progress in therapy.

The importance of attending weekly sessions is something I discuss with clients at the start of therapy because it's important for clients to know that therapy is a big commitment and the reasons why weekly sessions are essential.

4 Reasons Why Being Consistent is Important For Your Progress in Therapy

• Building Trust and a Connection With Your Therapist: Establishing trust in your therapist is essential to a successful therapy. Building trust doesn't happen immediately, especially if you have unresolved trauma from childhood and you couldn't trust your family due to trauma.  It takes time for you and your therapist to build trust and a therapeutic connection. Weekly sessions also allows your therapist to create a holding environment to create the emotional safety you need to open up in therapy (see my article: Why Establishing Safety For Clients is So Important in Therapy).

Consistency is Important For Progress in Therapy

• Developing Internal Resources to Work on Problems: Most therapists, especially trauma therapists, help clients to develop the necessary tools needed to work on unresolved problems.  This is called resourcing. During weekly sessions, your therapist can help you develop the necessary internal resources before you delve into trauma work. Weekly sessions also allows you and your therapist to discuss which resources are working best for you.  If you skip sessions, you're delaying the resource process which also delays working on your problems (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills in Therapy).

• Keeping Momentum Going: Motivation to change is what brings most people into therapy. Momentum in therapy is how you make changes (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation to Change).

• Accountability: Usually goals are set at the beginning of therapy and you and your therapist talk about how you're progressing in terms of what you want to accomplish in therapy.  It's easier to track your progress if you're coming weekly than if you skip appointments.  Cancelled sessions often leads to a decrease in motivation and a reduced sense of accountability.  This is one of the reasons why most therapists have a cancellation policy.

Getting Help in Therapy

Are you considering therapy?

Before I meet with clients for an initial appointment, I talk to them on the phone for 10-15 minutes to get an idea of what they want to work on and whether I have the expertise to help them.  There is no charge for this brief talk on the phone.

After that, if clients want to set up an initial appointment, I schedule an appointment for them either in person or online.  

During the first appointment, they can see whether they feel comfortable with me to continue coming for weekly sessions.

Working on your issues in therapy provides you with an opportunity to overcome the obstacles that stand in your way from having the life you want.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 25 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to achieve their goals (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Healing Potential of the Therapist's Empathic Attunement

In my prior article, I began discussing the therapist's emotional attunement in the therapy session.  In this blog article, I would like to continue to discuss emotional attunement by focusing on how the therapist's attunement to the client can be emotionally reparative.

The Therapist's Empathic Attunement

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, will help to illustrate this point:

Jane
Jane grew up in a household where she was the youngest of 10 children.  Her mother worked cleaning people's apartments, and her father worked in a factory during the day and as a taxi driver at night.  Both of them were exhausted when they came home, and they relied on Jane's older sister, Ruth, to help them with the children and the household chores.

Jane was very different from her siblings.  While they liked to go out and play in the yard, she preferred to stay in and read books.  She loved using her imagination to make up stories and do artwork.  But Ruth, who was 12 years older than Jane, had little patience for Jane.  Ruth was often irritated and resentful that so much was expected of her and she became very impatient with Jane at times, especially when she thought Jane was "wasting time" playing, reading or drawing.

All of Jane's basic needs were taken care of in terms of having a roof over her head, food to eat, and clothing to wear.  But she often felt lonely in her home.

Jane had lots of fantasies about what she wanted to do when she grew up, but she had no one to talk to about it.  Her parents' attitude was that when she graduated high school, she should be happy to find a job, any job.  It didn't matter if she liked it or not.  Liking your work seemed like too big a luxury to Jane's parents.

So, when Jane decided to go to college, her parents and older siblings were flustered and confused.  None of them had gone to college and they couldn't see why she wanted to go.  Her parents warned her that they didn't have the money to send her, so she had to rely on scholarships and part time jobs throughout college.

When Jane graduated college, she was surprised that she didn't feel good about it.  She felt like something was missing, but she didn't know what it was.  

She knew, at least on an rational level, that graduating college was a significant accomplishment. But she didn't feel it.  Her family came to her graduation, but they seemed self conscious, guarded and out of place.  Jane watched her friends' parents swell with pride about their children's graduation, and she wished her family could do the same.

Throughout her 20s, Jane continued to feel that something was missing inside of her, but she couldn't put her finger on what it was.  So, when she was 24, she began therapy.

No one in Jane's family had ever been to therapy, and she didn't dare tell her family.  She knew they wouldn't approve of it and they would think she was wasting money.  They would never understand if she told them that she felt something was missing in her.  They would probably laugh and tell her she had too much time on her hands to think about herself.

Initially, Jane felt self conscious and anxious in therapy.  On some level, she felt she didn't deserve to be there:  Maybe her family was right--maybe therapy was an indulgence that was for other people, not someone like her.  Whenever she had these thoughts, she burned with shame.  And yet...she knew there was something of value for her in therapy.

The Therapist's Empathic Attunement

Over time, Jane began to sense that her therapist cared about her and wanted to hear about what she felt.  At first, this was uncomfortable because Jane wasn't accustomed to this.  When she was growing up, she would normally keep her thoughts and feelings to herself.  Or, she would write stories about young girls like herself, never quite realizing at the time that she was writing about herself.

During the first few months of therapy, Jane felt ambivalent about the therapy process.  On the one hand, she was grateful to have a place where she could speak uninterrupted and have the therapist's undivided attention.  It was a new experience for Jane to be heard in this way.

On the other hand, Jane felt a deep hurt because she realized what she was missing when she was growing up.  As a child, she never allowed herself to feel the pain of the emotional deprivation.  But she felt it now and it made her feel very sad.

One day, when she was feeling particularly undeserving, Jane decided to make up an excuse about not being able to afford therapy.  This wasn't true because Jane had very good out of network benefits that paid for 70% of her therapy.  

But Jane couldn't bring herself to tell her therapist that she felt she didn't deserve all this attention.  So, at the next therapy session, she went in looking outwardly cheerful and confident and told her therapist that she had to end therapy because she could no longer afford to come.

Jane was especially good, even with her close friends, at convincing people that she was happy even when she felt very sad.  She had a lot of experience pretending that she was okay when she really wasn't.  

She was sure that she would convince her therapist.  But to Jane's surprise, her therapist, who was empathically attuned to Jane, mentioned that she sensed there was something else going on, and she wondered if Jane would be willing to discuss it.

What followed in that session was an emotional breakthrough for Jane and a breakthrough for her therapy.  Jane took an emotional risk and opened up.  She cried a lot during that session for everything she didn't get as a child and for how undeserving she felt now.  She spent many sessions after that one focusing on these issues while her therapist remained empathically attuned to her.

If Jane's therapist had not been empathically attuned, she might have accepted Jane's excuse on face value.  And Jane would have continued to feel emotionally deprived and undeserving. 

More than likely, this would have had consequences for both her personal life and her career. But, being empathically attuned, Jane's therapist sensed the underlying issues going on with Jane and let Jane know.

Overall, Jane's therapist's empathic attunement was an emotionally reparative experience for Jane.  It was the first time Jane felt genuinely cared about and understood in this way.

Empathic Attunement and Therapeutic Rapport
In order for there to be empathic attunement in psychotherapy, there needs to be a good fit between therapist and client.

A good fit means there is a rapport between the client and the therapist.  Often, this develops over time.  But when it doesn't  happen, when clients don't feel a rapport with the therapist, I recommend that they discuss it with their therapist.  And if it continues to be a problem, they can find a therapist where they can feel this rapport.

A good therapeutic relationship between client and therapist is one of the best predictors of a good outcome in therapy.  And, just like anything else, some therapists are more empathically attuned than others.

Getting Help in Therapy
No therapist is going to be 100% attuned all of the time.  Therapists are human.  But, overall, as the client, you deserve to have a therapist that you feel is empathically attuned to you most of the time.  As a client, the most important thing is to trust your instincts when choosing a therapist.

And if you're with a therapist, who is usually attuned to you, but who may have lapsed into an empathic failure by not hearing you or misunderstanding you in some way, your therapist might be unaware of it.  Tell her or him.  Often these kinds of situations in therapy can be repaired and it can lead to a breakthrough in therapy and an emotionally reparative experience for the client.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Fear of Change

Making a change can be challenging, especially when change involves major life transitions. When you think about making a change, you might go back and forth, not knowing what to do.  But it's not unusual to have mixed feelings about making a transition, even when you know logically that it would be for the best.

Fear of Change

What Does Fear of Change Look Like?

For instance, if we know that you have outgrown your current job and you need a change, you can find painful to face this. 

You might procrastinate taking the necessary steps--whether it involves going for additional training or education or starting a job search, because you might fear the unknown and tell yourself:

• "What will happen if I leave my secure but boring job?"

• "What if it turns out to be a bad decision?"

• "What if I don't succeed?"

And on and on until you're paralyzed into inaction.

Ultimately, you might decide to stay at your job for a variety of reasons, but you'll be making an active decision instead of getting stuck in indecision (see my article: Fear of Making a Decision: When Indecision Becomes a Decision).

It often helps to be able to talk to trusted friends and loved ones, especially if they have gone through their own life transitions successfully.

But sometimes friends and loved ones don't know what to say or, worse still, their own fear of change might cause them to advise you not to make any changes.

The other possibility is that, after a while, they might get tired of hearing you go back and forth about a decision and they won't know how to get you "unstuck" so you can overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from changing.

At that point, it would be helpful to seek help from a professional who has assisted clients to overcome the psychological blocks that keep you stuck (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks in Therapy).

Some Questions to Ask Yourself

• How would I feel if I continued to be stuck in this situation for another year? another two years? or five years?

• What if I allowed my fear and mixed feelings to keep me stuck indefinitely?

• Would I look back at my life and say: If only I had made that change when I was younger, maybe I would be where I wanted to be today?

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when you're unable to work out problems on your own.

Working with a skilled psychotherapy can help you to overcome the fear and ambivalence keeping you stuck.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome fear of change.

To find out more about me, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

For a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

I've written about breakups in prior articles (see my articles: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship? and When Love Doesn't Conquer All).

Ending a Long Term Relationship

Ending a relationship isn't easy, but ending a long term relationship can be especially painful for everyone involved.   You and your partner have invested in the relationship on many levels so untangling your lives is challenging.

Tips For Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Know That It's Normal to Go Through Different Emotional Stages: Initially, you might go back and forth about whether it would be better for you to stay or go.  Your ambivalent feelings can create an emotional roller coaster for you and your partner if they're aware of your changing feelings.  Even after you've made the decision that it would be best to end the relationship, you might feel guilty and ashamed about hurting your partner and, if you have children, about the emotional impact it will have on them.  You might also feel relieved at some point and then your feelings might change to grief, anger, disbelief and so on. Know that all of this is normal (see my article: Coping With the Stages of a Breakup).

• Be Clear With Your Partner: One of the most confusing things is when the partner who wants to end the relationship gives the other partner mixed messages.  Usually these mixed messages aren't intentional.  They often involve ambivalence, guilt, shame and a mixture of other confusing emotions.  But once you have made up your mind, consider carefully what you want to say in advance, especially if you think your partner will be surprised.  It might help to write about it so you can get clear on how you feel and what you want to say.  Once you have thought about it, talk to your partner privately in a calm manner without blaming them.  Be prepared for a negative reaction or for your partner to want to bargain with you so you don't end the relationship.  If so, be firm but compassionate.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Be Clear About Boundaries: This is the area where many people make mistakes.  Think carefully about how much contact, if any, you want to have with your partner after the relationship ends.  If you have children together, in most circumstances, you'll need to be in contact about them.  But, if you've made up your mind that you no longer want to be in the relationship, the conversations about the children shouldn't be used as a way to get emotionally involved again.  If there are no children and no other reasons for being in contact, you'll need to decide how to proceed.  If you think you want to try to be friends or, at least, remain amicable, be honest with yourself about why you want to do this.  Are you trying to maintain contact to give yourself the option of going back with your soon-to-be-ex?  This would definitely be a mixed message.  Also, avoid trying to get your partner back when you feel lonely. Breaking up again will be even more hurtful for both of you.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Talk to Your Children Together: If you have children together, both of you need to agree on what you want to tell them.  Speak to them together in a calm and clear way giving them an age appropriate explanation about the big change they're about to go through.  They will need reassurance that you both still love them and will be there for them.  Prepare to answer their questions and to deal with sadness and anger about how this will affect them.  Under no circumstances should either of you blame the other or try to get your children to side with you. You want to avoid the hurt and pain of creating parental alienation or split loyalty (see my articles: Talking to Your Children About the Divorce and Co-parenting After the Divorce).

• Be Prepared to Talk to Others About the Breakup: Initially, you probably want to tell only those who are closest to you and who will be emotionally supportive.  Loved ones will be concerned about your well-being, but not everyone needs to get a long, personal explanation about the breakup.  So, for the people who need to know but who aren't close to you, have a simple statement you give where you don't delve into personal details.  If people try to pry, be polite but set a boundary with them.

• Avoid Looking at Your Ex's Social Media After the Breakup: It might be tempting to secretly follow your ex on social media to see what they're doing and whether they're seeing someone else, but if you do this, you'll make yourself miserable.  So, avoid the temptation to look.

• Expect to Feel Many Confusing and Contradictory Emotions: It's normal to feel grief, anger, loneliness, confusion and second thoughts about your decision.  It's normal to feel fine about your decision one moment and then get caught up in self doubt the next moment.  Grief comes in waves and can come unexpectedly at any time. Try to stay calm and not be swayed by waves of emotion.  

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Practice Self Compassion: During this time, you'll need to be gentle with yourself.  It can be tempting to be hard on yourself when you're going through a breakup, so practice self compassion. Take extra self care in terms of making sure you eat well, get plenty of rest and take care of yourself in other ways (see my article: Developing Self Compassion).

• Don't Allow Your Loved Ones to Pressure You to "Just Get Over It":  We live in a culture that often has little tolerance for emotional pain.  This is especially true for people who haven't dealt with their own unresolved emotions.  Your feelings will take as long as they take for you.  Everyone's process is different.  There's no right or wrong amount of time to grieve the loss of your relationship.

• Get Help in Therapy: Close friends and loved ones can be emotionally supportive and you might also need the help of a licensed mental health professional to deal with the emotional stages you're experiencing.  There's no shame in asking for help.  A skilled psychotherapist can help you to cope and work through unresolved emotions (see my articles: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Help and Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

I'm continuing to focus on the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism in this article, based on the book, The Erotic Mind by Dr. Jack Morin, sex therapist and researcher (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

Also see my articles:

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

Longing and Anticipation, Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules 

Searching For Power

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

First, to recap:  As I mentioned in my first article on this topic, Dr. Morin identifies the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism as follows:

• Longing and Anticipation
  
• Violating Sexual Prohibitions
  
• Searching For Power
  
• Overcoming Ambivalence

Why is Overcoming Ambivalence a Cornerstone of Eroticism?

With regard to eroticism, ambivalence includes: 

• Wanting and Not Wanting
• Liking and Not Liking
• Being Attracted To and Being Repulsed

At first glance, ambivalence probably doesn't come to your mind as being associated with eroticism, but let's take a closer look at how overcoming ambivalence can intensify eroticism.

From Ambivalence to Sexual Passion

According to Dr. Morin, overcoming ambivalence is an internal form of the Erotic Equation because it contains both attraction and obstacles, which lead to sexual excitement, within the same person.

Ambivalence by itself isn't a sexual turn on.  The sexual turn on is the overcoming of ambivalence as ambivalence transforms into sexual desire when reluctance gives way to passion.

Ambivalent Sexual Attractions

• Clinical Vignette: Judy: One night when Judy went out with her friends for drinks, she met Lenny, who came onto her with a pickup line that disgusted her.  She hated when men came onto her in this way, and her initial inclination was to turn away from him.  At the same time she felt repulsed by him, she couldn't help noticing his sexual magnetism (being attracted towards and being repulsed) .  A part of her wanted to walk away, but another part of her was sexually attracted to him (liking and not liking).  The more she wanted to resist him, the more she felt sexually drawn to him.  As they continued to talk, she felt her initial reluctance to talk to him giving way as she noticed that, despite his pickup line, he was also a little shy. She found his shyness appealing, so when he asked, she gave him her phone number (the overcoming of ambivalence). 

• Overcoming of Ambivalence for Judy: Initially, Judy is aware that she feels disgusted by Lenny but, at the same time, she is also aware she is sexually attracted to him based on his sexual magnetism.  Her mixed feelings transform as she continues to talk to him and she sees there's another side to him: His shyness, which she finds appealing enough to give him her telephone number (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer).

• Clinical Vignette: Joe: When Joe met Betty, he was aware that she was in a non-monogamous relationship with Tina and her relationship with Tina was her primary relationship. At first, he didn't mind that he and Betty weren't primary.  But as time went on and his romantic and sexual feelings for Betty developed, he found it increasingly difficult to know that Betty prioritized her relationship with Tina.  Seeing Betty once a week wasn't enough for him--he wanted more.  After he spoke to Betty about it, he was disappointed that she didn't want to change the nature of her relationship with him.  This made him so angry and hurt that when he wasn't with her, he thought about ending the relationship.  But when they saw each other again, they were both so excited and the sex was so passionate that all thoughts of ending the relationship dissolved--until he began missing her again a few days later.  Then, his anger and hurt would resurface (wanting and not wanting).  He remained caught on this emotional roller coaster where he hoped that, eventually, Betty would choose to be with him exclusively--even though, when he could be objective about it, he knew this probably wasn't going to happen.  At times, he would break it off with Betty, but he would soon regret it and beg her to take him back (liking and not liking) Also, see my article: The Heartbreak of the On Again, Off Again Relationship.

• Overcoming of Ambivalence for Joe: Joe's ambivalence would be temporarily assuaged when he and Betty reconnected after being apart.  At that point, the buildup of anger and hurt actually added to his passion for her (more about how certain emotions, like anger, increase eroticism in a future article). Because he continued to want more from Betty, Joe's ambivalence was only temporarily overcome when they saw each other again.

• The Character Diane Chambers on the TV program, "Cheers:" Here's another example of ambivalence transforming into sexual desire:  If you watched the TV program, "Cheers," you're probably familiar with the characters, Diane Chambers and Sam Malone. You might remember that Diane had highly ambivalent feelings for Sam, especially in the beginning.  She considered herself to be a feminist and an intellectual so, initially, she looked down on Sam.  But Sam was also very good looking, which drew Diane to him. He was also a womanizer, which she really disliked.  Over time, despite her initial repulsion, she accepted her sexual attraction to him (liking and not liking, wanting and not wanting and being attracted to and being repulsed).  Similar to the first vignette, the more she tried to resist him, the more she was drawn to him.  Over time, she came to see that, despite the aspects of him she found unappealing, she also experienced him as irresistible.  As a result, she eventually got romantically and sexually involved with him (i.e, she overcame her ambivalence).

• Overcoming Ambivalence for Diane:  Although Diane overcame her initial ambivalence for Sam, they had a stormy relationship. The storminess of their relationship was due, in part, to both of them having ambivalent feelings for each other, which made their relationship both passionate and unstable. 

In the examples above, the ambivalence transforms, even if it's just temporarily, from negative feelings to sexual attraction.  Note how attraction and obstacles, which are part of Dr. Morin's Erotic Equation, are operative in these examples.

How Prevalent Are the Four Cornerstones in Peak Sexual Experiences?

According to Dr. Morin, none of the cornerstones are required for two people to experience sexual arousal for each other.

A strong attraction and sensual feelings are often enough for two people to be sexually turned on to each other (see my articles: Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences, Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Sexual Experiences - Part 1 and Part 2).

However, Dr. Morin indicates he discovered in his research that most participants in his study had at least one cornerstone as part of their memories of peak sexual experiences.  

Forty percent of the participants mentioned they experienced two or more cornerstones as part of their peak sexual experiences.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find you're struggling with an unresolved problem, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

The decision to seek help in therapy can be challenging, but it's often the first step to living a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.