How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship

Resentment can fester and grow until it destroys a relationship. 

Rather than allowing resentment to grow and harden, it's better to find ways to overcome resentment as problems come up.

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

What is Resentment?

Resentment can include the following:

• Anger
• Disappointment
• Discontentment
• Frustration
• Feeling mistreated
• Indignation
• Irritation
• Disgust
• Holding onto a grudge/an inability to let go of anger

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

• Difficulty accepting apologies
• A chip on one's shoulder
• Animosity
• Hostility
• Hatred
• Bitterness
• Antipathy
• Antagonism
• Ambivalence about the relationship
• Ruminating about feeling mistreated
• Avoiding topics that can lead to arguments and more resentment
• Experiencing tension in the relationship
• Feeling emotionally disconnected from a partner
• Reacting in a passive aggressive way rather than confronting problems directly
• Feeling invisible
• Feeling unlovable

What Are Common Triggers of Resentment in Relationships?

Some of the most common triggers of resentment include:

• Feeling unseen and unheard by a partner
• Feeling put down/criticized
• Having unrealistic expectations of a partner
• Dealing with a partner who insists on always being right
• Dealing with a partner who is frequently forgetful or late
• Feeling taken advantage of by a partner
• Feeling burnt-out by ongoing unresolved problems in the relationship

How Does Resentment Affect a Relationship?

Resentment can affect a relationship in many different ways depending upon who feels the resentment and how long the resentment has been going on, including:

• Harboring anger and bitterness towards a partner that leads to expressing pent up anger unexpectedly and harshly
• Feeling less empathy for your partner
• Withdrawing emotionally from your partner
• Withdrawing sexually from your partner

Dealing with Resentment in Your Relationship

• Feeling disgust and/or disappointment for your partner
• Complaining a lot about your partner to others
• Feeling anxious about the relationship
• Feeling physical tension and stress-related health problems as a result of the relationship
• Feeling like you want to get away from your partner
• Feeling like your opinions don't matter to your partner
• Feeling ignored
• Feeling confusion and/or ambivalence about the relationship
• "Walking on eggshells" with your partner
• Wanting to end the relationship

How Can You and Your Partner Prevent Resentment From Building Up?

It's a lot easier to address issues as they come up instead of allowing resentment to grow and harden:

• Address problems as soon as they arise 
• Learn to communicate and express your feelings in a healthy way
• Keep your expectations realistic. Don't expect your partner to meet every single expectation that you have. Instead, focus on what's most important to you.

Tips on How to Overcome Existing Resentment

If you and your partner have avoided dealing with the resentment in your relationship, you're going to find it challenging. 

Here are some tips that can help:

• Acknowledge the Resentment: If you want your relationship to improve, you both need to be able to acknowledge your own and your partner's resentment--even if you both spent years avoiding it.

• Work on One Issue at a Time: Rather than "kitchen sinking" each other with a whole litany of complaints, focus on one issue at a time. Listen to your partner instead of getting defensive or responding by barraging your partner with your complaints.

• Be Aware of Your Part in the Resentment: You might be aware of your resentment towards your partner, but are you aware of the role you might be playing?

• Remember Your Partner's Good Qualities: In order to put your feelings into perspective and to help you reduce resentment, try to remember your partner's good qualities.

• Learn to Compromise: If you and your partner can find a compromise that you each can live with, this can go a long way to reducing resentment. By talking over the problems in your relationship, you and your partner might be able to come up with reasonable compromises so you can each feel heard and taken care of in the relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to identify the areas where you're stuck and help you to make decisions about your relationship--including whether you want to remain together or you want to end the relationship in an amicable way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

In an earlier article I discussed how to Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

If you haven't read that article, I suggest you click on the link above to read it.

Complaining vs Criticizing

As a brief recap, Dr. John Gottman, a world renown relationship expert and author, used the phrase "four horsemen of the apocalypse" to emphasize the destructiveness of these four ways of communicating which can destroy a relationship.

What Are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

The four horsemen of the apocalypse include: 

• Criticism
• Contempt 
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

In the earlier article I discuss each one in detail.

In this article I'm focusing on the difference between a complaint and a criticism because people often confuse them with each other.  

I'm also discussing the destructiveness of contempt, how criticism can lead to contempt and how stonewalling affects a relationship.

What's the Difference Between a Complaint and a Criticism?

Whereas criticism is an attack on a person's character or personality, a complaint is about a person's behavior.

An Example of a Complaint:

"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday."

Notice that the complaint focused on something that the other person did and how it made the partner complaining feel. It's usually about something that happened or is happening.  It's not a general attack on the other partner.

An Example of a Criticism:

"You're so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."

Complaining vs Criticizing

Notice that the criticism focused on the partner's character.  Also, the partner who is criticizing doesn't use an "I" message to reflect how they feel or how they were affected.  

An Example of a Complaint With Criticism:

People often combine complaints with criticism:

"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday. You were so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."

In the example above where a complaint is combined with criticism, the person who is saying this to their partner undermines their message because their partner is likely to focus on the criticism of their character instead of the complaint.  This will often lead to a bigger argument where each person is criticizing the other.

Instead of addressing their partner's hurt feelings, the other partner will probably get defensive, which is also one of Dr. Gottman's four horsemen. This will lead the couple even farther astray.

What is Defensiveness?

Defensiveness is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.

Defensiveness usually involves becoming reactive without listening to what your partner is saying (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Defensiveness is a negative defense mechanism that people use when they want to deny, dismiss or deflect what their partner is saying.  

People who use defensiveness often use it when they feel unworthy because of their partner's complaint, criticism or contempt.

They might try to externalize the problem by blaming their partner, other people or other circumstances when they might really know they were at fault.

Sometimes people use defensive strategies when they're lying, trying to hide the truth or feeling guilty.

Whichever defensive strategy they use, they're not taking responsibility.

An Example of Defensiveness in Response to Criticism:

"I have a lot of things on my mind. You can't expect me to remember everything!"

Complaining vs Criticizing

This often leads couples to argue about who is shouldering more responsibility, who is busier, who is more giving, and so on.  

Instead of addressing the partner's hurt feelings about forgetting their birthday, they're escalating into other topics instead of addressing the current problem.  

This often reflects a couple's negative cycle in their relationship where they're unable to resolve problems.

How Can Criticism Lead to Contempt?

Contempt can be used without or without criticism.

When couples have a tendency to use criticism in their arguments, they can devolve into showing contempt for each other. 

According to Dr. Gottman, contempt is the worst of the four horsemen and, if it's a big part of a couple's communication pattern, contempt can destroy the relationship.

Complaining vs Contempt

Contempt is when you express scorn and convey you feel your partner is worthless and beneath your consideration.

If you show contempt for a partner, you're acting in a mean and disdainful way.

Contempt can be shown with words, a facial expression or a gesture.

Examples of contempt include:

• Mocking your partner
• Using sarcasm or hostile humor
• Treating your partner with disrespect
• Calling your partner names
• Mimicking your partner in a hostile way
• Rolling your eyes at them
• Sneering at them
• Conveying your moral, ethical or characterological superiority over your partner

When you show contempt, you're essentially telling your partner that you're better than them.

The reason why ongoing contempt can destroy a relationship is that it's usually fueled by long-standing negative thoughts and feelings about a partner and it can lead to more criticism and contempt.

As a result, conflicts aren't resolved.

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when you and/or your partner withdraw from communicating with each other (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

Stonewalling can include:

• Being unresponsive
• Giving the silent treatment
• Giving short answers during a discussion or argument
• Dismissing your partner's emotions or concerns
• Changing the subject
• Refusing to make eye contact 
• Refusing to answer questions
• Walking away
• Disconnecting emotionally from your partner (even if you're physically present)

Anyone can engage in stonewalling. 

Stonewalling often occurs when someone has an avoidant attachment style or someone tends to avoid conflict because it makes them feel too uncomfortable.

It occurs when someone either feels a general discomfort with talking about their emotions or they feel overwhelmed by a discussion or argument and they don't know how to say they need a break (or they don't know they need a break).

Based only on their outward appearance, someone who is stonewalling might appear like they're in a calm or neutral mood, but inside they're feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Whether one or both people are criticizing, showing contempt or stonewalling, problems don't get resolved.  This can lead to a pile up of unresolved arguments and resentment over time.

In my next article, I'll focus on the problem of "kitchen sinking" during an argument, which means when one or both partners bring up unrelated grievances or past grievances during an argument.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people find it challenging to communicate with their partner when they're angry or hurt without using criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

This is usually because they never learned to communicate effectively in a relationship.

If you and your partner are having communication problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate effectively with your partner so you can resolve problems in your relationship and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

8 Tips For Coping With Emotional Triggers

In a prior article, Becoming Aware of Emotional Triggers, I began a discussion about how to become aware of emotional triggers. 

Coping with Emotional Triggers

In the current article, I'm focusing on tips for coping with emotional triggers.

What Are Emotional Triggers?

A trigger is a person, place, thing or situation that causes an unexpected intense emotional reaction that is rooted in the past.  

For people, who have unresolved trauma or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a trigger can lead to their re-experiencing the past trauma as if it were occurring in the present (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Trauma: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").

Coping with Emotional Triggers

Any type of sensory stimulus, including what you see, hear, smell, touch or taste, can be a potential trigger.  

The sensory stimulus you experience, which is usually a non-threatening experience in the present, can trigger an trauma response including:

• Fight: The fight response is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system which is part of the autonomic nervous system. You can feel angry, irritable and even rageful. You can experience increased heart rate and heavier breathing as part of your survival instinct to to protect yourself from danger. If you were experiencing a real danger in the present, the fight response would be essential to protect yourself from a dangerous predator. But when you're experiencing an emotional trigger, you're usually not experiencing a threatening situation in the present.  Instead, you're reacting to memories of unresolved trauma as if it were occuring in the present.

Coping with Emotional Triggers

• Flight: In the flight response, you want to flee to avoid perceived danger. The flight response is also controlled by the sympathetic nervous system but, unlike the fight response, the driving emotion is fear (instead of anger) along with the possibility of worry and anxiety. In some particularly intense situations, you might experience terror.  

• Freeze/Immobilization: The freeze response is a combination of the sympathetic nervous system and dorsal vagal activation (dorsal vagal activation is part of the vagus nerve and responds to danger). Fear is the driving emotion with the freeze/immobilization response but, as opposed to the flight response, the desire to run is overtaken by a sense of immobilization. Outwardly, you might appear calm to others because the freeze response often includes emotional numbing, but internally your experience is fear.

• Fawn: With the fawn response, you're trying to avoid a confrontation as you enter into a dorsal vagal shutdown (related to the vagus nerve). You feel overwhelmed and this can  cause absent-mindedness, dissociation or depersonalization (depersonalization is feeling detached from your body). Overwhelming feelings can lead to a sense of helplessness or hopelessness. In a severe case, you might even pass out or lose consciousness. The fawn response is also referred to as the "please and appease" response (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response).

What Are Common Emotional Triggers?

Common emotional triggers include but are not limited to:

• Past Trauma:Traumatic events or situations from the past can be one-time events like an accident or physical attack or they might have been ongoing events, like developmental trauma from childhood or complex trauma, including abuse or emotional neglect.

• Painful Negative Memories: Painful negative memories can include memories associated with disappointment, fear, failure and shame and guilt, to name just a few. When you experience a similar situation in the present, these memories can get triggered--even if you don't consciously remember them. In other words, there can be explicit memories that you remember and there can be unconscious memories outside your immediate awareness.

Painful Negative Memories

• Fear and Phobias: Fear can be an emotional trigger. Fear can trigger strong emotional and physical reactions.  Similarly, phobias, such as fear of flying or fear of heights, can also act as triggers.

• Stressful Situations: Stressful situations can trigger anxiety and stress.  Examples of stressful situations can include personal or work-related stressors. 

• Relationship Problems: Current interactions with certain people can trigger intense emotions including sadness, anger or frustration related to the past.

• Loss or Grief: Certain anniversaries, such as the anniversary of the death of a loved one, can be an emotional trigger for sadness and feelings of loss. 

• Major Life Changes: Major life changes, even positive ones, can elicit anxiety and stress as well as emotional triggers. This can include moving, changing jobs, getting married, getting divorced, giving birth, health issues and so on (see my article: Navigating Major Life Transitions).

8 Tips For Coping With Emotional Triggers

Just a word about coping versus overcoming triggers: Coping with emotional triggers is important to your day-to-day living, but overcoming emotional triggers requires working with a trauma therapist who can help you to work through the underlying issues related to your triggers so you don't continue to get triggered (more about this later on in this article).

Until you can get help to resolve these underlying issues, you can learn to cope with triggers when they occur.

Here are 8 tips for coping with triggers that can be helpful:

• 1. Learn to Identify Physical Symptoms Associated With an Emotional Trigger: Since your mind and your body are connected, every emotional trigger has at least one  accompanying physical symptom. By recognizing and identifying the physical symptoms, you can respond with self care instead of reacting in a way that keeps you stuck or activates you even more. Physical symptoms can include but are not limited to:

• Heart racing
• Heavy breathing 
• Difficulty breathing
• Pain or muscle soreness in your neck, back, stomach or other parts of your body
• Sweating
• Dizziness
• Crying
• Other physical reactions

• 2. Learn to Pause: By learning to pause when you can recognize when you're getting triggered, you're taking a break to allow yourself to respond instead of react to the trigger. Pausing also allows you to use various coping strategies. Pausing is a skill that takes practice because triggers occur in a fraction of a second and it takes practice to be aware of the need to take a break while the trigger is occurring. So, until you learn to pause, practice patience and self compassion.

Coping With Emotional Triggers

• 3. Learn to Develop Healthy Coping Skills: Once you have paused, you can learn to use healthy coping strategies, including breathing exercises and grounding exercises to slow down and to calm your mind and your body instead (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Calming the Mind and Calming the Body). 

• 4. Acknowledge Your Emotions: Once you have calmed yourself, acknowledge your emotions--no matter what they are. You might be tempted to suppress your emotions because they feel so uncomfortable, but being aware and acknowledging your emotions is an important part of your healing. When you suppress emotions, they come back even stronger.

• 5. Keep a Journal: Write about your emotions in a journal. Journal writing can help to calm you. It can also help you to detect certain emotional and physical patterns when you get triggered.

Journal Writing to Cope With Emotional Triggers

• 6. Establish Healthy Boundaries: People who have experienced significant trauma often have a hard time establishing healthy boundaries with others. This is often because they experienced boundary violations when they were younger. It's important to your sense of well-being to be able to say no when you need to take care of yourself. In addition to being able to respond assertively to reduce the likelihood of getting triggered, it's also important for you to be able to express your emotional needs to people in your life who are supportive (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries).

• 7. Develop a Strong Emotional Support System: Supportive loved ones can provide empathy and give you a different perspective on your situation. Talking to supportive loved ones can also help reduce feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness and isolation.

Coping With Emotional Triggers 

• 8. Seek Help From a Skilled Trauma Therapist: As mentioned earlier, you can learn to cope with triggers as they arise, but to overcome the underlying traumatic issues related to the triggers, seek help from a skilled trauma therapist. Trauma therapy is a broad category for different types of mind-body oriented psychotherapy, which is also known as Experiential Therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy
  
• 
  
• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)
• 
  
• Somatic Experiencing
  
• 
  
• Parts Work/Ego States Therapy
  
• 
  
• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)

What Are the Benefits of Getting Help From a Trauma Therapist?

A trauma therapist is a licensed mental health professional who has training, expertise and experience in various forms of trauma therapy. 

Unlike therapists who are generalists, trauma therapists are specialists who have gone beyond the basic mental health training to learn specific forms of trauma therapy (as mentioned above).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy is different from most forms of talk therapy because it uses specific techniques and strategies to help clients to overcome trauma.  

As a trauma therapist, as a first step, I prepare clients for trauma therapy by helping them to develop the necessary internal resources to cope with whatever comes up during the therapy session or  between sessions (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Strategies in Trauma Therapy).

As memories are processed in trauma therapy, the client can experience a reduction and, eventually, an elimination of emotional triggers related to trauma.

If you're experiencing emotional triggers, you could benefit from seeking help from a trauma therapist to overcome unresolved trauma and live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, trauma therapist (using EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Ego States Therapy/Parks Work and Clinical Hypnosis), couples therapist and sex therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

I began a discussion about emotional aphrodisiacs based on Dr. Jack Morin's book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, in my last article, What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?. 

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

The current article is part of a series which you can read as a standalone article, but to get a more in depth understanding of emotional aphrodisiacs, you can read my prior articles in the following order: 

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Searching For Power

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

A Brief and Important Note: When I refer to anger, I'm referring to common experiences that everyone has with anger.  I'm not referring to out of control or violent behavior.  Also, consent between two capable adults is essential in all sexual activities.

Anger as a Paradoxical Emotion

To recap from my last article:  Anger is a paradoxical emotion.

Paradoxical means seemingly contradictory.  

The word "seemingly" is important in the context of this discussion because these emotions often have the opposite effect to what is normally expected.

Erotically speaking, anger, as well as guilt and anxiety, are considered paradoxical emotions because these emotions can have an unexpected aphrodisiac effect.

For instance, anger's unexpected aphrodisiac effect can be seen in the heat of the moment when a couple is having an argument and the stress hormone, cortisol, spikes. At that point, people often yearn for a release of the tension as well as the closeness that sex can provide.  

This is one of the reasons why "make up sex" can be so hot after an argument.

Angry Sex and Romance Novels

Angry sex is the kind of sex written about in bodice-ripping romance novels where the hero and heroine can no longer contain their passion.

In these stories, even before the anger, the two main characters have each experienced a build up of eroticism (based on terms coined by Dr. Morin, which are The Erotic Equation and the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism).

Popular romance novels usually include the following elements before the hero and heroine get to live happily ever after:

• sexual attraction and obstacles: This often occurs when the hero and heroine meet, feel an attraction, but they can't be together due to societal norms, customs or other issues that get in their way.

• longing and anticipation: Long and anticipation develop because, even though they can't be together (at least not at the beginning of the story), they can't stop thinking about each other obsessively.

• violating prohibitions by breaking the rules: Their longing and anticipation is often fueled by the prohibitions that keep them apart. When they can no longer contain their longing for each other, they might find a way to have a secret meeting alone.  The secret meeting away from disapproving eyes is also taboo.

• overcoming ambivalence: Overcoming their ambivalence is usually the stage where they overcome the prohibitions that keep them apart as well the anger they feel about it.  In a fit of passion, they overcome their ambivalence, throw caution to the wind, and consummate their passion for each other.

Whether you love them or hate them, romance novels are a billion dollar industry, and the elements described above is what often makes them so popular.  

Readers get to imagine themselves as part of the story, so they experience the passion vicariously through the characters with a guaranteed happy ending.

Angry Sex in Movies

There are also many examples of angry sex in movies. 

One example is in the classic movie, From Here to Eternity, winner of eight Academy Awards.

Initially, there is a build up of thwarted passion between Sgt. Milton Warden (Burt Lancaster) and Karen Holmes (Deborah Kerr) before they have that iconic passionate scene on the beach.  

At the beginning of the movie, they try to resist each other because Karen is married to Warden's superior, Captain Dana Holmes.  Warden risks going to jail if they are caught having a love affair and Karen risks getting caught cheating on her husband.

Prior to their involvement, the anger each of them feels is for one another and the sexual attraction they are trying to resist, and towards Captain Holmes for mistreating Karen and being an obstacle to their romance.  Then, there is also the overall tense situation they find themselves in as they are anticipating war.

In the dynamic between Milton and Karen, there are the same elements as in many romance novels, including: attraction, obstacles, longing and anticipation, breaking the rules and, ultimately, overcoming ambivalence with their love scene on the beach.

Angry Sex in Real Life

When it works, angry sex can be passionate, fiery and exciting.  It can also release tension and frustration built up during the course of an argument when cortisol spikes.

An example of angry sex not working is when a couple uses angry sex is avoid having a difficult conversation.  

In addition to serving as a release, angry sex can help a couple to reconnect and repair.

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette illustrates how anger adds to eroticism between two consenting adults in a relationship:

Jill and Ted

After dating for a year, Ted moved in with Jill after the lease on his apartment expired.

Before they moved in together, they got along well and they loved spending time together.  Aside from the love they shared, they also shared similar interests and values.

But after Ted moved in, tension gradually mounted as they encountered differences they had not anticipated.

It all started when Ted told Jill that he didn't have enough space for his clothes in their shared closet.  

Jill thought she was generous with the space she allowed Ted, so she felt annoyed.  Even though she tried to hide her anger from Ted, he could tell she was angry.  But neither of them addressed it.

Grudgingly, Jill made more space for Ted's clothes in her closet.  She felt this was a big compromise.  But, from Jill's perspective, no sooner had she made the space than Ted was complaining that it was hard for him to feel like the apartment was also his because it only had Jill's furniture and possessions.  He wanted to put up some of his pictures and add pieces of his furniture.

After a few days of building anger and tension, they had a big argument.  First, Jill accused Ted of trying to take over the space in the apartment, and then Ted countered that Jill was being selfish.  

After hurling angry accusations at each other, at the peak of their argument they both looked at each other and Ted said, "Are you feeling as turned on as I am?" and when Jill nodded, they both fell into bed and had the most passionate sex they had ever had in their relationship.

Afterwards, in the afterglow of their lovemaking, they cuddled in each other's arms.  By then, the anger had subsided to the point where they could repair their differences, talk calmly about their problems and make compromises.

Conclusion

Anger as an emotional aphrodisiac is a common theme that often comes up in novels, movies, TV programs as well as in real life.

Anger is also considered a paradoxical emotion because its seemingly contradictory to what we normally think of as leading to passionate sex. But once you consider familiar examples, it makes sense why anger can lead to passionate sex.

Without realizing it, some couples rely on anger as an aphrodisiac, especially in unstable relationships where there are frequent breakups and makeups (see my article: The On Again, Off Again Relationship).

The uncertainty involved with unstable relationships is what usually makes them so fiery and passionate.  But, in the long run, these relationships are unhealthy and they usually don't last.

Some couples use angry sex to avoid having difficult conversations.  The problem with this is obvious: Problems in the relationship don't get resolved.  So, context is important.

Occasional angry sex in a stable relationship (where there are two capable consenting adults) can be exciting and fun as well as serve as an emotional repair between the two individuals.

In upcoming articles I will discuss the other emotional aphrodisiacs, which are also paradoxical emotions, anxiety and guilt.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone.  

Everyone needs help at some point.

Working through unresolved problems with a licensed mental health professional can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?

My last several articles have focused on concepts from Dr. Jack Morin's book,  The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment.  

See my previous articles: 

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism? 

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation, 

Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules, 

Searching For Power 

Overcoming Ambivalence

Emotional Aphrodisiacs

The Historical Search For Aphrodisiacs

Named after Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love and beauty, aphrodisiacs are often thought of as foods or substances used to enhance sexual desire. 

Historically, the quest for aphrodisiacs has led seekers to explore the far corners of the world in search of the magical substance or "love potion" that will enhance sexual desire.  

In recent times, scientists have been interested in the biochemistry of love and attraction.  

Although the perfect sex-enhancing substance remains elusive, sex researchers have discovered that emotions can be powerful sexual energizers, which is the focus of this article.

Emotions Associated With Peak Erotic Experiences

According to Dr. Morin, sex therapist and researcher, whereas The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism are the building blocks of eroticism, emotions are the sexual energizers or sexual intensifiers of eroticism because they can have a powerful impact on sexual arousal and fulfillment. 

Let's see why:

Based on his research, Dr. Morin identifies the following emotions as the ones most associated with peak erotic experiences (see my article: Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences):

• Exuberance including joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria and pride

• Satisfaction including contentment, happiness, relaxation and security

• Closeness including love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity (oneness) and appreciation

• Anxiety including fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry and nervousness

• Guilt including remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame

• Anger including hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment and revenge

Exuberance and Satisfaction As Response Emotions

Exuberance and satisfaction are emotions that are commonly thought of as being very important to peak erotic experiences.  

However, according to Dr. Morin's research, these emotions aren't emotional aphrodisiacs because they don't produce or intensify sexual arousal.  

Exuberance and satisfaction are response emotions because, instead being the cause of sexual arousal, they are the rewards of arousal.

Emotional Aphrodisiacs:  Closeness, Anxiety, Guilt and Anger

When most people think of emotions associated with peak sexual experiences, they usually think of ideal emotions such as love, tenderness, closeness and affection.  

They don't usually think of the so-called "negative" emotions like anxiety, guilt and anger (in reality, emotions are not positive or negative but people often think of them in that way).

Anxiety, guilt and anger are usually thought of as being the opposite of emotional aphrodisiacs because they are associated with disrupting sexual enjoyment.  

But under certain circumstances these emotions can enhance sexual pleasure.

When anxiety, anger and guilt act as sexual enhancers, they are considered paradoxical emotions.

What Are Paradoxical Emotions?

Paradoxical means that something is seemingly contradictory.  

The word "seemingly" is important in the context of our discussion about paradoxical emotions because these emotions often have the opposite effect to what is normally expected.

As previously mentioned, contrary to popular opinion, emotions are neither positive nor negative. 

In addition, emotions are also often fluid because they can transform into each other.

Erotically speaking, anger, guilt and anxiety are considered paradoxical emotions because these emotions can have an unexpected aphrodisiac effect.

For instance, anger's unexpected aphrodisiac effect can be seen in the heat of the moment when a couple is having an argument and the stress hormone, cortisol, spikes.  

When cortisol spikes during an argument, people often yearn for the closeness that sex provides.  

This is one of the reasons why "make up sex" can be so hot after an argument.

Since the topic of emotional aphrodisiacs is complex, I'll discuss this further in my upcoming articles:

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Guilt as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Working through unresolved problems can lead to happier, more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I am a sex positive therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.