Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

Practicing teamwork in your relationship is essential to developing and maintaining relationships (see my article: Relationships: Are You Pulling Together or Pulling Apart?).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

To practice teamwork, it's important for both you and your partner to feel you have each other's backs and you will tackle whatever issues come up together.

Focusing on being a team means you each give up some control and the need to be right all the time. It also means that you learn to compromise.

How to Practice Teamwork to Improve Your Relationship

The following dynamics are important to working together as a team in your relationship:

• A Willingness to Start By Looking at How You Might Be Contributing to Problems in the Relationship: Before you can become a team, you need to be aware of dynamics in your relationship that are not working. Instead of pointing your finger at your partner, focus on yourself first and think about how you might be able to change to improve your relationship. This means letting go of keeping score of your partner's mistakes and making a commitment to make changes in your attitude and behavior.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Trusting You Have Each Other's Backs and You're Willing to Compromise: You are two different people so, naturally, you're not going to feel the same way about everything, but when it comes to resolving problems, you can agree to work as a team to come up with a compromise. You're not focused on getting your way. Instead your focus is on coming up with the best possible compromise that you both can live with.  This means you might not get everything you want, but your focus is on strengthening your relationship. If there are current trust issues, you're willing to work on these issues to strengthen your relationship (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Coming Together to Focus on the Problem Instead of Blaming Each Other: When you approach problems as a team, you avoid blaming each other for the problems and, instead, you focus on the problems together. It means you and your partner approach difficult situations together to come up with potential solutions or compromises. This might include:

• Money issues (see my article: Arguing About Money)

• Family problems (see my article: What to Do If Your Partner and Your Parents Don't Get Along)

• Career changes
  

• Stress (see my article: Recognizing Signs That You Are Under Too Much Stress

• Emotional pressures

• Other issues

• Communicating in An Open, Honest and Respectful Manner: This includes: 

• Active listening to your partner's perspective--even if it's different from your own

• Taking turns speaking without interrupting, judging or criticizing each other

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Being clear about your own hopes and dreams for the relationship--even if it's different from your partner's hopes and dreams

• Emotionally validating each other's feelings--even if you disagree with your partner's perspective (see my article: How to Use Emotional Validation in Your Relationship)

• Establishing Common Goals (see my article: 10 Relationshp Goals That Can Make Your Relationship Stronger)

• Developing Clear Expectations: Once you have established common goals for the relationship, you need to discuss how you will accomplish these goals and get clear about each other's expectations with regard to each of your roles and responsibilities to avoid confusion and resentment.

• Celebrating Your Successes: When you have successfully taken a step towards accomplishing your goals, recognize and celebrate this success together.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Providing Emotional Support to Each Other: Practicing teamwork includes being each other's source of emotional support. You are each other's "rock" in good and challenging times (see my article: What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?).

• Expressing Your Appreciation For Each Other: It's easy to take each other for granted especially if you have been together for a while. Take the time to express your appreciation to each other so you each feel valued and loved (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Making Time For Each Other: Scheduling quality time to spend together to have fun. This includes time for emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Try a Little Playfulness).

• Repairing Ruptures Between the Two of You Sooner Rather Than Later: When arguments or conflicts arise and you know you made a mistake or hurt your partner, be willing to apologize to repair the rupture between the two of you as quickly as possible. Certain ruptures might take a while to repair, but the sooner you address them, the more likely you will be to repair whatever hurt or angry feelings there might be without the growing resentment that often develops over time (see my articles: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship and Stages of Forgiveness).

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: If you are unable to come together as a team, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy to work on these issues. A skilled couples therapist can help you so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

 

11 Characteristics of Happy Couples

All relationships go through challenges from time to time, but happy couples tend to have certain characteristics in common:

• Effective Communication: Their communication with each other tends to be open and honest. They share their needs and their concerns even when it's challenging to do so. This includes active listening (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Do You Want to Be Helped, Heart or Hugged?).

Characteristics of Happy Couple

• Trust and Honesty: Along with effective communication and active listening, happy couples build a foundation of trust and honesty.

• Mutual Respect: They value each other's feelings and perspective. They also respect each other's individuality.

• Empathy and Kindness: They strive to understand each other with empathy and kindness and they support each other's emotional needs (see my article: Do You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Needs?).

Characteristics of Happy Couples

• Commitment: They are committed to each other and invest emotionally in their relationship (see my article: How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship).

• Compromise and Flexibility: They work as a team to be flexible and find ways to compromise (see my article: Why is Emotional Intelligence Important in Your Relationship?).

• Healthy Conflict Resolution: They address conflicts in a respectful and constructively to find ways to resolve their problems as a team (see my article: How to Keep Small Arguments From Becoming Big Conflicts).

Characteristics of Happy Couples

• Prioritize the Relationship: Even though they have friends, they work and they maintain relationships with family members, they prioritize their relationship as being the most important relationship. 

• Maintain a Healthy Sex Life: They make time for sexual intimacy in ways where they can both enjoy sex (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Desire Discrepancy).

• Shared Goals and Values: They support each other's individual goals and dreams and work towards achieving relationship goals (see my articles: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

Characteristics of Happy Couples

• Make Time For Fun and Playfulness: They balance the rest of their life by making time to have fun and be playful with each other (see my article: Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship? Try a Little Playfulness).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

As I mentioned earlier, all couples go through challenging times.

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

Characteristics of Happy Couples

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles in your relationship if you wish to stay together or help you to end the relationship amicably and with respect (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy Sessions).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

Many couples are unaware that relationships change over time and there are usually several stages a couple can go through.  

It's not surprising that couples don't always know about these different stages because hardly anyone outside the mental health field talks about it.

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

Knowing about these stages can help you to navigate and adapt to the changes.

Of course, every relationship goes at its own pace so, even though approximate times are provided in this article as to when these changes occur, they might not occur in exactly this way for you.

The stages are presented in a linear way in this article for the sake of clarity, but couples can go through different stages at different times or go back to previous stages depending upon what is happening in the relationship.

In this article, I'm providing an overview of the stages and the particular challenges for each stage.

In future articles I'll provide more details about each stage from the Uncertainty Stage to the Acceptance Stage (in prior articles, I've written about the Honeymoon Stage--see my article: What is the Honeymoon Stage of a Relationship?).

Why Do Relationships Change?

Relationships change because each person evolves and changes over time. 

Personal growth, increased self awareness, expanding your worldview and many other changes contribute to the changes in a relationship (see my article: What is the Growth Mindset vs the Fixed Mindset?),

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

Many couples make an effort to grow together and others develop independently. 

One way isn't necessarily better than another. But if one person is dedicated to personal development and expanding their world and the other person isn't, the couple can grow apart (see my article: Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Are Growing Apart).

If the couple realizes they are growing apart, they can work towards deepening their connection and sharing more of themselves with each other (see my article: How You and Your Partner Can Get Closer If You Have Grown Apart).

What Are the 5 Stages of a Relationship?

• The Honeymoon Stage: This stage lasts anywhere from six months to several years. This phase is also known as the Limerence Stage.  This is the stage where you're both getting to know each other. You're probably on your best behavior during this stage. You might also have an idealized view of each other (see my article: Relationships: The Real vs the Ideal)

• Challenges of the Honeymoon Stage

• Overlooking red flags

• Being inconsistent with commitments

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

• Developing good communication with each other 

• Setting relationship goals (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship)

• Beginning to recognize early signs of possible incompatibility (see my article: How to Develop Your Relationship Beyond the Honeymoon Stage)

• The Uncertainty Stage: This stage occurs anywhere from six months to two years. At this point, you're no longer idealizing each other. You might recognize certain incompatibilities. You and your partner are recognizing that neither of you is "perfect". You will both need to consider if the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative ones. 

• Challenges of the Uncertainty Stage
• Feeling disappointed that the initial Honeymoon Stage is over and the relationship lacks the "head over heels" intensity that you experienced in that earlier stage

• Being able to deal with uncertainty of whether you want to continue in the relationship

• Focusing on both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship (and not just the negative)

• Discovering your partner's and your own flaws and annoying habits

• Working on your communication skills in the relationship to talk about these challenging aspects of the relationship

• The Adjustment Stage: Around two years or shortly after, you and your partner will enter into the adjustment stage, assuming you were both able to get through the prior stages. The changes in this stage are often more deep-seated and more challenging. For instance, you might realize you both have developed different views about sex, religion, politics or child-rearing. You can both see whether the two of you can have a longer term relationship or if you're not compatible and you will each go your separate ways.

• Challenges of the Adjustment Stage
• Being aware of certain negative patterns in the relationship

• Deciding if you're open to negotiating your individual differences

• The Commitment Stage: If you both decide that what's good about the relationship outweighs whatever is challenging, you can accept that you're both in the relationship for the long term. 

• Challenges of the Commitment Stage
• Being willing to accept your partner's flaws and annoying habits because what's good about the relationship outweighs the problems and this gives you a better perspective about the relationship

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

• Being willing to fine tune your relationship skills including communication skills and problem solving skills

• The Acceptance Stage: This stage often occurs beyond five years. When you and your partner are able to overcome the challenges of the prior stages, you can develop a sense of safety and security in the relationship

• Challenges of the Acceptance Stage
• Too much safety and security and feeling like you're both "family" which can help you both to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of your relationship. But safety and security sometimes comes at the expense of a satisfying sex life for many couples (Balancing Security and Eroticism in Your Relationship).

• You might need to learn to keep your sex life satisfying by being more self aware in terms of what part of yourself you bring to your sexual encounters. You can also learn how to create sexual anticipation to spice up your sex life in your long term relationship (see my article: Creating Sexual Desire With the Simmer Technique).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling with one of thsee stages, you could benefit from getting help from an experienced couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work on the issues affecting your relationship.

If you both want to stay in the relationship, a skilled couples therapist can help you to navigate the changes you need to make.

A skilled couples therapist won't have a particular agenda--whether you stay together or not. 

If you want to end the relationship, a couples therapist can help you to end the relationship in a healthy way and, if you have children, discuss how to talk to your children and how to co-parent when you're no longer together.

Also See My Articles:

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual clients and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -New York City Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?

As a psychotherapist who sees individual adults and couples, one of the problems I often hear about from people in relationships is that they would like to feel closer to their partner.

What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?

            See my articles:    

• Learning to Ask Your Partner For What You Need Emotionally

• Are Your Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?

What Do You Need to Feel Close to Your Partner?

Every individual is different but, generally, most people in a relationship need to experience:

• Acceptance: This means feeling accepted as you are right now--flaws and all.

• Trust: You and your partner know that you can trust each other, put your relationship first and be honest and genuine with each other (see my article: Relationships: Oxytocin, Trust and Empathy).

• Reliability: Knowing you can count on your partner to be there for you when you need them is essential.

What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?

• Emotional Connection: Feeling emotionally connected to your partner and knowing your partner feels emotionally connected to you is important. You and your partner might have short periods of times when you don't feel as emotionally connected because of whatever you're going through as a couple, but feeling emotionally connected most of the time is important in any relationship (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

• Understanding: You and your partner need to feel that you understand each other and, even when there are times when you might not understand each other, you both make an attempt to communicate and actively listen so you both work towards feeling understood.

• Appreciation: Feeling appreciated and valued is essential to any relationship. This includes giving and getting positive reinforcement (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Partner).

• Vulnerability: Vulnerability is the pathway in any relationship to emotional and sexual connection. This means being able to listen to your partner's hopes, fears and dreams and your partner also being able to do the same for you. 

         See my articles: 

• Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy

• How to Express Your Vulnerable Emotions to Your Partner

• Shared Goals: Having individual goals and relationship goals that you can both support is important.

         See my articles: 

• 7 Tips For Creating a Stronger Relationship With Relationship Goals

• 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship

• Growing as an Individual When You're in a Relationship

Conclusion

Being able to ask for what you need emotionally from your partner can be challenging, especially if you grew up in a family where you were discouraged, forbidden or even shamed for having emotional needs (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?

If you and your partner are having problems expressing your emotional needs to each other, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to understand the underlying issues involved for each of you and help you to develop the necessary tools and strategies to overcome your problems.

Seeking help sooner rather than later can make the difference in being able to resolve your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

Relationship Expectations: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean "Settling"

According to Dr. John Gottman, author and world-renowned relationship expert, you're more likely to have the kind of relationship you want if you have high expectations--as long as your expectations are realistic.

How Do Your Expectations Affect How You're Treated in a Relationship?

According to Dr. Gottman, people with high expectations are usually in relationships where they're treated well.

Relationship Expectations

Dr. Gottman's findings coincide with research by Dr. Ronald Baucom from the University of North Carolina.  

Dr. Baucom studied marital expectations for 10 years and found that people who have low expectations are usually treated poorly and people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

What is the "Good Enough" Relationship?

Before going on, let's define what Dr. Gottman means by a "good enough" relationship.

A "good enough" relationship doesn't mean settling for what you don't want.

It means being realistic.

In a "good enough" relationship you are treated with 

• Kindness
• Love
• Affection
• Loyalty
• Respect

What people often get wrong in terms of relationship expectations is that they expect their relationship to be conflict free and to meet all their needs.

While it's understandable that no one wants a relationship that has constant conflict and upheaval, it's normal for couples to argue sometimes.

On the other end of the spectrum, when couples handle problems by avoiding conflict altogether, this often leads to emotional and sexual estrangement. 

Avoidant couples might appear calm on the outside, but there's usually a lot of tension roiling under the surface. 

For couples who have avoided dealing with their problems for a long time, the tension between them is often palpable so they can no longer maintain a calm facade. Everyone around them can feel it.

One or both partners who are avoidant might engage in giving the other partner "the silent treatment" which is also known as stonewalling (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: Stop Stonewalling).

Avoidant couples also allow grievances to pile up which leads to even more estrangement.

According to Dr. Gottman, when conflict is handled in a productive way, it can lead to greater understanding in the relationship. 

In addition, how each partner makes and accepts gestures to repair after an argument is also important. 

When there's no gesture for repair or the gesture isn't accepted by the other partner, grievances can pile up and result in longstanding resentment which can create increasing emotional and sexual disconnection (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Longstanding resentment can also lead to the demise of the relationship.

Realistic vs Unrealistic Expectations

Dr. Gottman also recommends that couples have realistic expectations with regard to solvable and unsolvable problems.

Relationship Expectations

Couples with unrealistic expectations often expect their partner to fulfill all their needs, which becomes an unsolvable problem.

Unsolvable problems which are based on unrealistic expectations include:

• Expecting a partner to know what you need without telling them
• Expecting a relationship to heal your childhood emotional wounds/trauma
• Expecting a relationship to fulfill all your emotional, psychological and existential needs

In addition, if you have an expectation that your partner will be your "soulmate," you're more likely to be disappointed when your partner can't fulfill all your needs because this is an unrealistic expectation. 

This also places a heavy burden on your partner and the relationship (see my article:  Why Looking For a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You).

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

Couples in "good enough" relationships with realistic expectations can focus on strengthening their relationship by:

• Respecting one another
• Supporting each other's hopes and dreams
• Trusting each other and being trustworthy/loyal

Relationship Expectations

• Managing conflict constructively
• Making and receiving gestures for repair after an argument
• Learning to compromise 

In addition, having healthy relationship goals, which are developed together with your partner, can strengthen your relationship (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals That Can Strengthen Your Relationship ).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Become a Better Partner in Your Relationship

If you're in a long term relationship, it's easy to forget what you need to do to be a good partner.  Even though it might not be your intention, you could stop doing the necessary things to sustain your relationship. 

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

If you're not currently in a relationship but you would like to be in one, developing your relationship skills will help you to find a compatible partner.

Tips on How to Be a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Be Honest: Honesty is a trait that most people mention when asked what they value in a partner.  This means when you meet someone who is a potential partner that you're honest and upfront about what you're looking for so no one feels they are wasting their time. If you're looking to date casually, say so.  If you want to be in a relationship, say that.  Too many people hesitate to say what they really want in the beginning and this causes problems later on.  Honesty can come with tact and empathy for the other person, but it's better to be upfront about your needs.  Once you're in a relationship, take time every so often to talk about how things are going.  By communicating in this way, you get to address small problems before they become big ones (see my article: Be Honest With Your Partner).

• Be Trustworthy and Keep Your Promises: Along with being honest, being trustworthy and keeping your promises is another trait that many people mention when they talk about traits in a partner they want. Have integrity (see my article: Keep Your Promises).

• Be a Good Listener: Many people who are in a relationship are so eager for their chance to be able to say what they want that they don't listen to their partner. If you're unclear about anything your partner is saying, ask for clarification.  

• Practice Responding Instead of Reacting: Relationships take work and can be stressful at times.  Taking a moment or two to respond can keep a disagreement from becoming a big argument (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Practice Self Validation: Being attuned to your own needs is important when you're in a relationship, especially if you have a tendency to put other people's needs ahead of your own.  Although you're in a relationship, you also need to validate yourself as an individual (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

• Grow as an Individual: Many people lose their sense of individuality once they have entered into a relationship.  Rather than becoming fused with your partner, maintain your friendships, interests and explore areas where you want to grow (see my articles: Losing Yourself in a Relationship, Resist the Urge to Merge and Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

• Practice Validating Your Partner: Emotional validation is seeing, understanding, respecting and accepting your partner's emotional experience--even if you don't agee with the content of what they are saying (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill? and How to Use Emotional Validation Skills With Your Partner).

• Spend Quality Time Together: Although it can be difficult to find the time, you and your partner need to spend quality time together--just the two of you (see my articles: Creating Special Times Together in a Relationship and Spending Time Together vs Time Apart).

• Develop an Understanding of Your Attachment Style and How It Affects Your Relationship: (see my articles:  What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

• Express Gratitude to Your Partner: (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Partner).

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Set Relationship Goals (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

• Talk to Your Partner About Sex: Many people don't feel comfortable or don't know how to talk about sex with their partner.  Sex in a relationship can change over time both physically and emotionally, so it's important to know how to talk about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time and What is Good Sex?).

• Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Live Together: Aside from sex, money is another topic that many couples don't feel comfortable talking about. But this is such an important topic that it shouldn't be neglected (see my articles: Talk About Money Before You Get Married or Live Together and Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships).

Conclusion

Whether you're in a long term relationship, just starting a relationship or you want to be in a relationship at some point, developing the necessary skills to be a good partner is important to developing and sustaining your relationship.

Just like you develop any other skill, you can learn to be a better partner.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people didn't grow up in a family where they saw good relationship skills modeled for them.

Whether you attend individual therapy to work on your own issues or couples therapy to deal with relationship issues, you can learn to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you stuck.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop as an individual and as a partner so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How You and Your Partner Can Get on the Same Page About Your Relationship

This is the third article in a series about the topic of getting on the same page with your partner (see my articles: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page? and Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page).  

How to Get on the Same Page With Your Partner

If you want your relationship to succeed, you and your partner need to get on the same wavelength, if possible.  I say "if possible" because sometimes each individual's needs are so different that they can't get on the same page.  

In that case, it's better to acknowledge this and end the relationship. But assuming that each person's needs aren't so divergent, there are steps you can take to improve your relationship.

5 Steps to Get on the Same Page With Your Partner

Although these steps are presented as 5 steps, each of these steps can be challenging:

• Eliminate Unhealthy Patterns of Communicating: Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman coined a phrase called "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" which describes four unhealthy patterns that often lead to the demise of relationships. These include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (see my article: Improve Communication: Eliminate the Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse).

• Develop Healthy Patterns of Communicating: Develop active listening skills (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening Skills for a detailed explanation of what active listening is and how to do it.)

• Set Short Term and Long Term Relationship Goals: Relationship goals are important. A short term goal might be how you'll solve a relatively simple problem in your relationship. Long term goals could include having children, buying a home, and so on. Talking about your relationship goals will probably involve some compromise, as long as you don't compromise things you know are essential to your well-being. Your short term goals will probably also include interim steps to take towards your long term goals (see my articles: 7 Tips For Creating Relationship Goals For a Stronger Relationship and 10 Relationship Goals For a Stronger Relationship).

• Develop Trust and Respect For Each Other: Trust and respect are the foundation of a healthy relationship. Just like a building won't stand without a good foundation, a relationship won't last without the healthy foundation of trust and respect.  In some relationships where there has been infidelity or some other form of betrayal, if the couple decides they want to stay together, they need to build back trust. This can take a long time, and there are times when, despite each person's best efforts, too much damage has been done and trust can't be rebuilt. But assuming the partner who created the mistrust does the work to actually change, a couple can rebuild trust and respect (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal).

• Learn to Compromise But Not Self Sacrifice: As previously mentioned, compromise is an essential part of any relationship--as long as you know what you need for your well-being and you're not sacrificing things that are essential to you (see my article: Are You Compromising or Self Sacrificing?)

Seek Help in Therapy

Although I summarized these five steps in one article, as previously mentioned, taking these steps aren't easy.

There are times when, despite your best efforts, you and your partner encounter obstacles that you can't overcome on your own.  

When you encounter obstacles, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with relationship problems.  

In couples therapy, you'll both learn valuable skills so you can have a healthy and happy relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.