Are Unmet Expectations Ruining Your Relationship?

Every relationship comes with expectations. Some expectations are clear: Loyalty, honesty, respect and so on (see my article: Relationship Expectations: What is a Good Enough Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean Settling).

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

But in many relationships there are silent expectations that neither partner communicates. Instead they assume the other partner knows and agrees to fulfill them.

These unspoken expectations, which often go unmet, can ruin a relationship (see my article: Do You Expect Your Partner to Be a Mind Reader?).

What Are Silent Expectations?

Silent expectations are unspoken beliefs, assumptions or standards about how one partner expects the other to behave. These silent expectations are often the basis for misunderstandings, disappointments and resentment when these unspoken expectations go unmet. 

How Do Silent Expectations Develop?

Silent expectations develop from family history, cultural norms and prior relationships regarding what love, relationships, respect and commitment should be. 

A partner can mistakenly assume that their partner shares their beliefs and assumptions--even though the expectations haven't been communicated.

Individuals who have silent expectations often feel their partner "should know" what is expected of them.  

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Communicating Their Expectations?

People who avoid communicating their expectations often fear conflict so they don't want to risk confrontations by talking about their emotional needs. This fear is the underlying reason for their silence. 

How Can Silent Expectations Ruin Your Relationship?

Silent expectations can take their toll over time, so if you have unmet expectations you never expressed to your partner, it's important to understand how this situation developed:

• Poor Communication: Silent expectations often go unmet because one or both partners haven't communicated about their expectations.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• An Expectation that Your Partner "Should Know" What You Expect: You might assume your partner knows or should be able to read your mind. But, in reality, your partner might not know. It's not necessarily that your partner doesn't want to meet your needs. They're just unaware of these needs. This usually leads to hurt, anger and disappointment.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Resentment Grows: Over time the resentment about unmet needs can fester and this can ruin a relationship (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

• Emotional Distance Grows: If you have silent expectations that go unmet, you and your partner can become emotionally distant from one another. As a defense against disappointment, walls go up, which makes it even harder to communicate. Over time, you might feel unseen and unheard--even though you haven't communicated your needs. 

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• A Focus on Who You Think Your Partner Should Be and Not Who They Really Are: If this situation persists over time, you can lose sight of who your partner really is because you're focused on what you think your partner should be and how your partner should behave.

• Increased Conflict: Unspoken expectations can lead to arguments and ongoing conflict.

• Stagnation: Unspoken expectations can lead to relationship stagnation as you disengage from one another.

How Can You Prevent Silent Expectations From Ruining Your Relationship?

The best way to prevent silent expectations from ruining your relationship is to be up front at the beginning of your relationship about what you want. 

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

But if you haven't communicated your needs from the start and you realize your resentment is starting to grow, there are steps you can take to keep unmet expectations from ruining your relationship:

• Learn to Develop Realistic Expectations: Take time to assess your expectations:
• Are your expectations realistic? 
• Are your expectations fair?
• Do your expectations need to be adjusted or changed?

• Learn to Communicate Clearly and Directly: Don't assume your partner already knows your expectations. Learn to communicate clearly. Instead of complaining, express your wishes explicitly in a positive and constructive way. For instance, instead of saying, "You never show affection towards me," say "I really love when you're affectionate with me" (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing Your Needs).

• Learn to Deal With Confrontations: If you're avoiding talking about your hopes and expectations because you fear confrontations, you're going to struggle with being in a relationship because confrontations are inevitable. This doesn't mean that confrontations have to be destructive. You and your partner can disagree and still be respectful (see my article: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship).

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Make Adjustments: After you communicate with your partner, you might realize that you each have different expectations. For instance, if you expect your partner to know when you want to be comforted and when you need time to yourself, after you talk to your partner, you might discover that your partner doesn't know when to comfort you and when to give you space. More than likely this is because you don't communicate when you want to be consoled and when you need time to yourself because you expect your partner to know. But your partner isn't a mind reader, so you have to learn to communicate clearly.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Compromise: Your partner might not be able to meet all your expectations. For instance, if you expect your partner to meet all your needs, this is an unrealistic expectation. No one person can meet all of your needs. So, it's important to have other people in your life that can also provide you with emotional support or can join in doing activities that your partner might not enjoy.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Reassess Your Expectations Over Time: Sometimes expectations that were realistic at one point in your life become unrealistic later on, so you need to reassess.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

When resentment builds over time, it can be difficult for a couple to overcome these resentments on their own.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop tools and strategies so you can overcome resentment and strengthen your relationship. 

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist who can help you to develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

Practicing teamwork in your relationship is essential to developing and maintaining relationships (see my article: Relationships: Are You Pulling Together or Pulling Apart?).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

To practice teamwork, it's important for both you and your partner to feel you have each other's backs and you will tackle whatever issues come up together.

Focusing on being a team means you each give up some control and the need to be right all the time. It also means that you learn to compromise.

How to Practice Teamwork to Improve Your Relationship

The following dynamics are important to working together as a team in your relationship:

• A Willingness to Start By Looking at How You Might Be Contributing to Problems in the Relationship: Before you can become a team, you need to be aware of dynamics in your relationship that are not working. Instead of pointing your finger at your partner, focus on yourself first and think about how you might be able to change to improve your relationship. This means letting go of keeping score of your partner's mistakes and making a commitment to make changes in your attitude and behavior.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Trusting You Have Each Other's Backs and You're Willing to Compromise: You are two different people so, naturally, you're not going to feel the same way about everything, but when it comes to resolving problems, you can agree to work as a team to come up with a compromise. You're not focused on getting your way. Instead your focus is on coming up with the best possible compromise that you both can live with.  This means you might not get everything you want, but your focus is on strengthening your relationship. If there are current trust issues, you're willing to work on these issues to strengthen your relationship (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Coming Together to Focus on the Problem Instead of Blaming Each Other: When you approach problems as a team, you avoid blaming each other for the problems and, instead, you focus on the problems together. It means you and your partner approach difficult situations together to come up with potential solutions or compromises. This might include:

• Money issues (see my article: Arguing About Money)

• Family problems (see my article: What to Do If Your Partner and Your Parents Don't Get Along)

• Career changes
  

• Stress (see my article: Recognizing Signs That You Are Under Too Much Stress

• Emotional pressures

• Other issues

• Communicating in An Open, Honest and Respectful Manner: This includes: 

• Active listening to your partner's perspective--even if it's different from your own

• Taking turns speaking without interrupting, judging or criticizing each other

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Being clear about your own hopes and dreams for the relationship--even if it's different from your partner's hopes and dreams

• Emotionally validating each other's feelings--even if you disagree with your partner's perspective (see my article: How to Use Emotional Validation in Your Relationship)

• Establishing Common Goals (see my article: 10 Relationshp Goals That Can Make Your Relationship Stronger)

• Developing Clear Expectations: Once you have established common goals for the relationship, you need to discuss how you will accomplish these goals and get clear about each other's expectations with regard to each of your roles and responsibilities to avoid confusion and resentment.

• Celebrating Your Successes: When you have successfully taken a step towards accomplishing your goals, recognize and celebrate this success together.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Providing Emotional Support to Each Other: Practicing teamwork includes being each other's source of emotional support. You are each other's "rock" in good and challenging times (see my article: What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?).

• Expressing Your Appreciation For Each Other: It's easy to take each other for granted especially if you have been together for a while. Take the time to express your appreciation to each other so you each feel valued and loved (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Making Time For Each Other: Scheduling quality time to spend together to have fun. This includes time for emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Try a Little Playfulness).

• Repairing Ruptures Between the Two of You Sooner Rather Than Later: When arguments or conflicts arise and you know you made a mistake or hurt your partner, be willing to apologize to repair the rupture between the two of you as quickly as possible. Certain ruptures might take a while to repair, but the sooner you address them, the more likely you will be to repair whatever hurt or angry feelings there might be without the growing resentment that often develops over time (see my articles: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship and Stages of Forgiveness).

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: If you are unable to come together as a team, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy to work on these issues. A skilled couples therapist can help you so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

 

Relationship Expectations: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean "Settling"

According to Dr. John Gottman, author and world-renowned relationship expert, you're more likely to have the kind of relationship you want if you have high expectations--as long as your expectations are realistic.

How Do Your Expectations Affect How You're Treated in a Relationship?

According to Dr. Gottman, people with high expectations are usually in relationships where they're treated well.

Relationship Expectations

Dr. Gottman's findings coincide with research by Dr. Ronald Baucom from the University of North Carolina.  

Dr. Baucom studied marital expectations for 10 years and found that people who have low expectations are usually treated poorly and people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

What is the "Good Enough" Relationship?

Before going on, let's define what Dr. Gottman means by a "good enough" relationship.

A "good enough" relationship doesn't mean settling for what you don't want.

It means being realistic.

In a "good enough" relationship you are treated with 

• Kindness
• Love
• Affection
• Loyalty
• Respect

What people often get wrong in terms of relationship expectations is that they expect their relationship to be conflict free and to meet all their needs.

While it's understandable that no one wants a relationship that has constant conflict and upheaval, it's normal for couples to argue sometimes.

On the other end of the spectrum, when couples handle problems by avoiding conflict altogether, this often leads to emotional and sexual estrangement. 

Avoidant couples might appear calm on the outside, but there's usually a lot of tension roiling under the surface. 

For couples who have avoided dealing with their problems for a long time, the tension between them is often palpable so they can no longer maintain a calm facade. Everyone around them can feel it.

One or both partners who are avoidant might engage in giving the other partner "the silent treatment" which is also known as stonewalling (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: Stop Stonewalling).

Avoidant couples also allow grievances to pile up which leads to even more estrangement.

According to Dr. Gottman, when conflict is handled in a productive way, it can lead to greater understanding in the relationship. 

In addition, how each partner makes and accepts gestures to repair after an argument is also important. 

When there's no gesture for repair or the gesture isn't accepted by the other partner, grievances can pile up and result in longstanding resentment which can create increasing emotional and sexual disconnection (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Longstanding resentment can also lead to the demise of the relationship.

Realistic vs Unrealistic Expectations

Dr. Gottman also recommends that couples have realistic expectations with regard to solvable and unsolvable problems.

Relationship Expectations

Couples with unrealistic expectations often expect their partner to fulfill all their needs, which becomes an unsolvable problem.

Unsolvable problems which are based on unrealistic expectations include:

• Expecting a partner to know what you need without telling them
• Expecting a relationship to heal your childhood emotional wounds/trauma
• Expecting a relationship to fulfill all your emotional, psychological and existential needs

In addition, if you have an expectation that your partner will be your "soulmate," you're more likely to be disappointed when your partner can't fulfill all your needs because this is an unrealistic expectation. 

This also places a heavy burden on your partner and the relationship (see my article:  Why Looking For a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You).

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

Couples in "good enough" relationships with realistic expectations can focus on strengthening their relationship by:

• Respecting one another
• Supporting each other's hopes and dreams
• Trusting each other and being trustworthy/loyal

Relationship Expectations

• Managing conflict constructively
• Making and receiving gestures for repair after an argument
• Learning to compromise 

In addition, having healthy relationship goals, which are developed together with your partner, can strengthen your relationship (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals That Can Strengthen Your Relationship ).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship

Resentment can fester and grow until it destroys a relationship. 

Rather than allowing resentment to grow and harden, it's better to find ways to overcome resentment as problems come up.

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

What is Resentment?

Resentment can include the following:

• Anger
• Disappointment
• Discontentment
• Frustration
• Feeling mistreated
• Indignation
• Irritation
• Disgust
• Holding onto a grudge/an inability to let go of anger

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

• Difficulty accepting apologies
• A chip on one's shoulder
• Animosity
• Hostility
• Hatred
• Bitterness
• Antipathy
• Antagonism
• Ambivalence about the relationship
• Ruminating about feeling mistreated
• Avoiding topics that can lead to arguments and more resentment
• Experiencing tension in the relationship
• Feeling emotionally disconnected from a partner
• Reacting in a passive aggressive way rather than confronting problems directly
• Feeling invisible
• Feeling unlovable

What Are Common Triggers of Resentment in Relationships?

Some of the most common triggers of resentment include:

• Feeling unseen and unheard by a partner
• Feeling put down/criticized
• Having unrealistic expectations of a partner
• Dealing with a partner who insists on always being right
• Dealing with a partner who is frequently forgetful or late
• Feeling taken advantage of by a partner
• Feeling burnt-out by ongoing unresolved problems in the relationship

How Does Resentment Affect a Relationship?

Resentment can affect a relationship in many different ways depending upon who feels the resentment and how long the resentment has been going on, including:

• Harboring anger and bitterness towards a partner that leads to expressing pent up anger unexpectedly and harshly
• Feeling less empathy for your partner
• Withdrawing emotionally from your partner
• Withdrawing sexually from your partner

Dealing with Resentment in Your Relationship

• Feeling disgust and/or disappointment for your partner
• Complaining a lot about your partner to others
• Feeling anxious about the relationship
• Feeling physical tension and stress-related health problems as a result of the relationship
• Feeling like you want to get away from your partner
• Feeling like your opinions don't matter to your partner
• Feeling ignored
• Feeling confusion and/or ambivalence about the relationship
• "Walking on eggshells" with your partner
• Wanting to end the relationship

How Can You and Your Partner Prevent Resentment From Building Up?

It's a lot easier to address issues as they come up instead of allowing resentment to grow and harden:

• Address problems as soon as they arise 
• Learn to communicate and express your feelings in a healthy way
• Keep your expectations realistic. Don't expect your partner to meet every single expectation that you have. Instead, focus on what's most important to you.

Tips on How to Overcome Existing Resentment

If you and your partner have avoided dealing with the resentment in your relationship, you're going to find it challenging. 

Here are some tips that can help:

• Acknowledge the Resentment: If you want your relationship to improve, you both need to be able to acknowledge your own and your partner's resentment--even if you both spent years avoiding it.

• Work on One Issue at a Time: Rather than "kitchen sinking" each other with a whole litany of complaints, focus on one issue at a time. Listen to your partner instead of getting defensive or responding by barraging your partner with your complaints.

• Be Aware of Your Part in the Resentment: You might be aware of your resentment towards your partner, but are you aware of the role you might be playing?

• Remember Your Partner's Good Qualities: In order to put your feelings into perspective and to help you reduce resentment, try to remember your partner's good qualities.

• Learn to Compromise: If you and your partner can find a compromise that you each can live with, this can go a long way to reducing resentment. By talking over the problems in your relationship, you and your partner might be able to come up with reasonable compromises so you can each feel heard and taken care of in the relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to identify the areas where you're stuck and help you to make decisions about your relationship--including whether you want to remain together or you want to end the relationship in an amicable way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Each Other?

In a prior article, I discussed the difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

What's the Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Secrets in a Relationship?

Aside from maintaining your own privacy in a healthy way, there can be other healthy reasons for maintaining certain secrets.

Discovering Secrets in a Relationship

Healthy Secrets

An example of a healthy secret would be a surprise. For instance, if one of the partners is planning to propose, they would probably want to surprise and delight their partner by taking them to their favorite restaurant and proposing with an engagement ring.

Similarly, one of the partners might want to surprise the other with a gift, a birthday party or a much desired vacation.

In both cases, these secrets were temporary and would add to the partner's pleasure.

Unhealthy Secrets

Unhealthy secrets include but are not limited to:

• Hiding Deceitful Behavior: Using a secret to hide deceit; manipulation; betrayal, lying, including lies of omission, often leads to mistrust and can ruin a relationship.  An example of this would be infidelity, including emotional infidelity.

• Hiding Serious Issues: Hiding serious issues, like serious medical problems; financial issues, including financial infidelity; an addiction, among other issues, can weaken or destroy a relationship. 

Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Their Partner?

There can be many reasons why people keep secrets from their partner, including:

• Maintaining Power and Control: The partner who is keeping a secret to maintain power and control over their partner is engaging in an unhealthy dynamic. Maintaining this dynamic can lead to a decrease in emotional intimacy, emotional distancing, resentment and the potential demise of the relationship.

• Feeling Shame and Guilt: Someone who feels ashamed or guilty about something they did will often keep it a secret because they fear their partner will reject or leave them.

• Feeling Fear of Criticism and Judgment: Even if a partner doesn't leave, they might be critical or judgmental about what their partner did, so the partner keeps it a secret so they don't have to deal with the criticism or judgment.

Keeping a Secret Due to Fear of Criticism

• Avoidance: Related to the above, someone might want to tell their partner about their secret, but they fear how their partner might react, so they procrastinate. The procrastination might be short term or it can be indefinite.

• Experiencing Lack of Trust in the Partner: When someone doesn't trust their partner, they might not want to be vulnerable by revealing what they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Communication Skills: Someone who doesn't have good communication skills might not know how to reveal something negative to their partner, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Interpersonal Skills: Someone who has poor interpersonal skills might not know how to approach their partner about something they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Relationship Skills: Similar to poor interpersonal skills, someone who has poor relationship skills might not understand the importance of being open and honest with their partner. In many cases, they grew up in a household where good relationship skills weren't modeled for them, so they never developed these skills. There might also have been toxic family secrets.

• Not Wanting to Be Accountable to a Partner: Similar to poor relationship skills, someone might not want to be held accountable by their partner for their actions.

• Being Selfish/Self Centered: Someone who is self centered and selfish might only think of themself and not how their secret might affect their partner.

• Wanting Revenge Against Their Partner/Payback: If someone is angry about something their partner did, they might intentionally keep a secret as a way of getting back. This often happens with infidelity where one partner finds out the other partner cheated and the first partner cheats too as a form of revenge--even though they keep the infidelity a secret.

• Wanting to Be the Betraying Partner After Having Been the Betrayed Partner in a  Current or Prior Relationship: When someone was betrayed in a prior relationship, they might want to gain power in the next relationship by being the betraying partner.

How Can Secrets Ruin a Relationship?

• Secrets Are Stressful: Keeping a secret often involves a lot mental and emotional energy on the secret keeper's part, which creates stress.  The partner who is keeping the secret might also feel stressed because they fear their partner will find out their secret. If someone is keeping a secret from their partner, they might are not be open and honest about other issues in the relationship.  

Secrets Are Stressful

• Secrets Create Mistrust and Resentment: When someone finds out their partner is keeping a secret, they can feel mistrustful of their partner as well as hurt and resentful. 

• Secrets Hurt Both Partners: Keeping a secret hurts both people. The secret becomes burdensome for the secret keeper. Snt,ecrets also create emotional distance between the two partners, which can result in loneliness for both people (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're the secret keeper or you're in a relationship where you have discovered your partner has been keeping a secret, you don't have to struggle alone. You could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're the one who is keeping a secret, being able to let go of a burdensome secret can free you from guilt and shame.  You can also work with a skilled therapist to how you want to deal with the issue.

If you're the one who has discovered a secret, you might feel overwhelmed with emotions that a licensed mental health professional can help you to work through.

Couples therapy can help you to work through a betrayal and strengthen your relationship, if you choose to stay together, or end your relationship in an amicable way, if you choose to end the relationship, so you don't bring issues from the current relationship to the next relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Problem With Comparative Suffering

During the early days of the pandemic, Dr. Brene Brown, researcher, social worker and author, discussed the topic of comparative suffering and why it's harmful to everyone involved.

The Problem With Comparative Suffering

During that time, many people were suffering with sadness, fear, anger and a mixture of emotions, and many also had physical symptoms from the virus as well.  Unfortuntely, many others died.

People were engaging in comparative suffering by either dismissing their own feelings or dismissing the feelings of others, which wasn't helpful to anyone.

Aside from the pandemic, comparative suffering is common, so it's worth taking a moment to understand it.

What is Comparative Suffering?

Let's start by defining comparative suffering.

Comparative suffering is comparing your emotional pain to others--either favorably or unfavorably.

I often hear clients compare their suffering to others by invalidating their own feelings, "I have no right to feel bad about what I'm going through. Look at Mary. She has it much worse than me."

Other clients feel resentful when they hear other people talking about their suffering because these clients believe they have it much worse than those people, so they invalidate other people's feelings, "They have it so much better than me. They should stop complaining."

As you can see, these types of comparisons either invalidate your own suffering or the suffering of others--as if there exists a scarcity of compassion to go around.

Suffering is suffering.  

There's no hierarchy of suffering that invalidates anyone's experience.

Examples of Comparative Suffering

The following fictional examples illustrate comparative suffering.

    Invalidating Your Own Experience

Mary 

While talking about how sad and helpless she felt watching her mother suffer from a serious illness, Mary sighed and said, "I shouldn't complain. My neighbor, Betty, lost her husband and younger child in a car accident. At least my mother is alive and still with me."

John

As he was discussing how good he felt about reaching his goal of losing 15 pounds in five months, John's tone changed when he said, "My accomplishment is nothing compared to my friend, Bill, who lost 20 pounds in two months."

Alice

Alice was talking about how frightened she felt after she heard the police were looking for a burglar in her neighborhood. Then, she looked embarrassed and said, "I don't know why I'm afraid because the woman across the street was robbed, and I haven't been robbed. I should be grateful instead of being scared."

    Invalidating Other People's Experiences

Bill

Bill was feeling resentful towards his friend, Joe, who told Bill he would have to take a 10% pay cut because business was bad at Joe's company.  During their conversation, Bill was silent, but later on when he got home, he said to his wife, "I wanted to tell Joe, 'Stop complaining!' Even with a 10% pay cut, he's still making a lot more money than I do.  He has nothing to complain about!

Sara

While she was talking to her friends, Sara recounted a conversation she had with her friend, Janet, "I can't believe she was complaining she didn't get the part she wanted on Broadway! Imagine her feeling sorry for herself about that when I can't even get a part as an extra. She has nothing to complain about!"

Richard

After he got home from work and his wife, Jane, toldl him she was exhausted from a full day at work and trying to put their six month old child to sleep, Richard responded to her by saying, "My mother worked two jobs and raised my brothers and me by herself. You have it easy compared to her."

The Problem With Comparative Suffering

Regardless of which way you use comparative suffering, it can lead to:

• Denial of your own emotions or others' emotions, which can cause shame, fear, loneliness or resentment

• Feelings of guilt and shame when you invalidate your feelings or resentment when you invalidate or dismiss other people's suffering

• Acting like suffering is a contest where you compare yourself to others

• Feeling there is a scarcity of compassion to go around

• Making assumptions about how much better or worse others have it compared to you

• Feeling isolated and lonely because you think no one can understand what you're going through

• Difficulty feeling proud of your accomplishments when you compare yourself unfavorably to others

Tips on How to Overcome Comparative Suffering

Overcoming comparative suffering can be challenging, especially if you have been in the habit of doing it for a long time.  

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

• Pay attention to how often you compare yourself, either favorably or unfavorably, to others. Challenge your thought patterns. Then, replace your thoughts with: There's enough compassion to go around--including self compassion.

• Practice self compassion when you're tempted to put yourself down or invalidate your own experience. Remember: Suffering is suffering.

• Practice compassion for others by trying to see their suffering from their perspective instead of seeing it only from your own limited perspective

• Remember: It's not a competition between you and others

• Be aware that over the course of a long friendship or other close relationship you and your loved ones will probably need emotional support from each other. So, if you have been emotionally supportive of others, allow them to be emotionally supportive of you.  And, if others have been emotionally supportive of you, extend your emotional support and compassion to them as well.

Get Help in Therapy

As I mentioned earlier, comparative suffering can be a hard habit to break.

Whether you tend to lack compassion for yourself or others, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the underlying issues keeping you stuck in comparative suffering so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: WHAT IS A TRAUMA SPEC?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.