Surviving the End of a Relationship

Ending a relationship is often a challenging experience with many complex, non-linear emotional reactions (see my article: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

Surviving the End of a Relationship

Each person's reactions to a breakup vary at different stages, but there are some common reactions, including a mixture of all the feelings mentioned below:

Common Emotional Reactions

• Sadness: Most people experience sadness after a breakup whether they were the ones who wanted the breakup or not. This often involves crying, social withdrawal and a deep sense of loss. For some people it also includes a period of depression.

• Seeking Explanations: Most people have a strong need to understand why the relationship ended, often replaying past events in their mind to try to find answers.

• Shock and Denial: If the breakup was unexpected, many people have a difficult time accepting it at first because the breakup is a shock. This can lead to a sense of denial that the relationship is over or to a sense of numbness.

• Bargaining: Many people will try to regain control by promising to change or plead for another chance. 

• Anger and Resentment: Many individuals feel angry and resentful if they didn't initiate the breakup. This can lead to lashing out against their ex or self destructive behavior.

• Relief: If the relationship was a high-conflict or unhealthy relationship, an individual might experience a sense of relief.

Common Physical and Psychological Reactions

In addition to the emotional reactions, a breakup can affect the body and daily functioning:

• Brain Chemistry: As a result of a breakup, an individual can experience a loss of the "feel good" hormones like dopamine and oxytocin which can lead to withdrawal-like symptoms. This can also create cravings for the ex-partner.

• Physical Symptoms: An individual going through a breakup can experience increased cortisol which can result in muscle tension, headaches, sleep disturbance and changes in appetite.

• Cognitive Symptoms: It's not unusual to experience a temporary decrease in concentration, memory and decision-making abilities.

Recovery Behaviors

Each person has their own individual recovery behaviors that work for them. Some people prefer to get active again and others prefer to spend time on their own in solitude to recover (see my article: What is the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?).

• Going No Contact: Many individuals prefer to go no contact with their ex rather than rehashing their feelings, engaging in bargaining or ongoing discussion about anger and resentment.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

• Spending Time in Solitude: There are some individuals who prefer to spend time on their own to deal with a breakup. They might spend time meditating, journaling or doing other solitary activities they find self affirming.

• Re-engaging in Hobbies and Social Activities: Some people find they prefer to immerse themselves in activities that are meaningful to them including engaging in hobbies and social activities. 

• Reframing the Loss: Being able to reframe a loss usually doesn't happen immediately because it can take time to work through some of the more difficult feelings about the breakup. If someone tries to "reframe" too soon in the grieving process, it can mean that they are avoiding dealing with difficult emotions and they just want to fast forward the process too quickly. For individuals who have allowed themselves to go through the stages of grief about the breakup, reframing can mean seeing the loss in terms of a period of self growth and a time to reinvest in themselves by exploring new interests and build resilience.

• Seek Support: Reaching out to supportive friends and family members as well as to a mental health professional can help to deal with the sense of grief, loss, shock or denial which is often involved in a breakup.

How Can Therapy Help to Deal With a Breakup?

Working with a skilled licensed mental health professional provides a safe, supportive and structured environment to process intense emotions and practical changes involved with a breakup.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

Working with an experienced psychotherapist can help to accelerate the healing process by offering an objective perspective as well as tools and strategies that family and friends often cannot provide.

Well-meaning friends and family members often urge individuals who are going through a breakup to "move on" and "get out there and meet someone new" before the person going through the breakup might be ready. 

Aside from providing a supportive environment, a skilled therapist can also help with:

• Normalizing Common Reactions to a Breakup: An experienced therapist knows that there are common reactions to a breakup and won't try to push you to "move on" before an individual is ready. At the same time, if someone is stuck and unable to grieve, a skilled therapist can help the individual to overcome the obstacles that might be getting in their way.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

• Helping With Emotional Regulation and Coping: Experienced therapists can teach clients skills like grounding techniques, mindfulness, breathing exercises as well as other skills to manage intrusive thoughts and emotional distress.

• Restoring Daily Functioning: If a breakup has disrupted sleep, appetite and ability to function in other ways, an experienced therapist can help you to re-establish your routines and regain focus on daily activities.

• Rebuilding Identity: Many people lose their sense of self when a relationship ends, especially a long term relationship. 

• Breaking Relationship Patterns: By looking at past relationship dynamics, you can identify unhealthy patterns and set healthy boundaries in future relationships.

• Regaining Confidence: If the breakup has caused a loss of confidence, a licensed mental health professional can help an individual to regain their confidence. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (four couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

When Love Doesn't Conquer All

Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible

How to Be Open to New Possibilities After Healing From a Breakup

Unresolved Trauma: Coping With Resentment For a Passive Parent Who Didn't Protect You From Abuse

Coping with resentment towards a passive parent for their role in childhood abuse or neglect is usually a difficult process (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment).

Coping With Resentment For a Passive Parent

When you were younger, you might have seen this parent as the "safer parent" or the "nice parent" as compared to the parent who was mistreating you.  However, as an adult, you might come to the realization that the parent you thought was safer or nicer didn't protect you from the parent who mistreated you.

Coping With Resentment For the Parent Who Didn't Protect You

Resentment is often a signal that your boundaries were violated and your need for safety was ignored.

Shifting from a child's view to an adult view often includes:

• Allowing the Pedestal to Fall: Shifting from idealizing the passive parent to a realistic understanding of their complex role is a first step in recognizing and coping with your anger and resentment. While it's understandable that, as a child, you might have seen the passive parent as the "good one" compared to the abusive parent, now that you're an adult, you can develop a more mature understanding of why they prioritized the abusive parent's comfort over your well-being. There can be many complex reasons for their passivity, but being aware of this parent's role in your mistreatment is essential to your healing.

• Understanding Responsibility vs Blame: There is a difference between blaming versus responsibility. The passive parent had a responsibility for your safety and well-being when you were a child. This is often a trap that many traumatized individuals get stuck in because they want to be empathetic towards the passive parent and yet they feel resentment towards them.

• Considering the Passive Parent's Humanity: At some point, as an adult, when you have worked through some of your resentment, as part of your healing, you can consider that your passive parent wasn't infallible. Acknowledging your passive parent's flaws, including their own fear, conditioning and their possible unresolved trauma, can help you to see them as a flawed peer.

What Steps Can You Take As An Adult to Deal With Your Resentment?

• Validate Your Reality: Your feelings of resentment and betrayal are real and valid. In many instances, the passive parent tends to minimize your experience in order to keep the peace with the mistreating parent. This might involve the passive parent telling you as an adult, "This happened a long time ago. Why don't you let it go?" or "You turned out alright so why are you still resentful about this?" Rather than allowing the passive parent to minimize your experience, you don't have to participate in the gaslighting as you reclaim your power (see my article: Self Validation).

• Set Firm Boundaries: Boundaries are for your own well-being. They are not meant to hurt your parents. Start by affirming your right to be treated with respect and prioritize your healing and personal growth (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Learn to Stop Self Abandoning: In situations like these, many adult children learn to abandon their own needs to placate the passive parent, so it's important not to self abandon (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

• Expect the Possibility of Resistance: If you have changed your role with the passive parent, you might encounter resistance in terms of being described as someone who has been "brainwashed" or, from their point of view, they might say you are unnecessarily resentful. Try to remain calm and firm in your stance.

• Consider Their Limitations: You cannot force the passive parent to change or leave their situation. Each of you must make your own decisions. You also need to prioritize your well-being.

• Get Help in Trauma Therapy: Untangling these complex situations can be difficult to do on your own. You could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who can help you to heal and grow (see my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the complexities involved in terms of coping with resentment towards a passive parent and how trauma therapy can help with unresolved trauma:

Ann

As an adult, Ann revealed to her mother that had her father touched her inappropriately multiple times when Ann was 10 years old. In response, her mother remained silent for a long time. Then she said, "You're 25 years old. These things happened a long time ago. Why can't you just let it go?" 

Coping With Resentment For a Passive Parent

Ann was stunned. When she could find her voice, she told her mother that the of sexual abuse by her father was traumatic and, as an adult, it impacted her sexual relationship with her boyfriend as well as her prior relationships with other men.

Ann's mother looked uncomfortable, "You know your father was drinking at the time. He probably didn't even know what he was doing. Now that he's dead, let him rest in peace."

Suddenly it dawned on Ann that her mother might have known about the sexual abuse when Ann was a child and her mother didn't stop it, "Did you know what he was doing to me?"

Her mother left the room quickly and Ann realized that her mother did know and she didn't protect her.  Ann felt enraged and followed her mother into the living room, "You knew, didn't you?"

Her mother looked upset, "You don't understand what it was like. When your father got drunk, he would threaten me. I was terrified that if I confronted him, he would hit me. And I wasn't working so I had no money. What was I supposed to do? Where was I supposed to go?"

"So you didn't do anything!" Ann shouted at her, "You just let him do it!"

"You were so young. I thought you wouldn't remember what happened when you got older" her mother responded.

Ann was speechless and she froze in the moment. But when she reconnected with her body, she left her mother's home and drove back to her apartment (see my article: Understanding the Freeze Response Related to Trauma).

On the way home, Ann was in tears. She recalled, as a child, hearing her parents arguing when he was drunk. At the time, she thought of her mother as an angel and her father as a devil.

Now she realized that, as a child, she had idealized her mother. But, as an adult, she now realized that her mother didn't protect her or try to get help to make the abuse stop--even though she knew about the abuse.

After several months of trauma therapy, Ann became aware that of just how angry she was that  her mother didn't take responsibility to protect her from her father.

She told her therapist that, when she was 15, a few months prior to her father's death, she confronted her father about the abuse. Her father told her he couldn't remember what he did when he got drunk and said, "Let's just put this behind us."

Her therapist used a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy (IFS) to help Ann work through the unresolved trauma including Ann's feelings of resentment and betrayal towards each of her parents.

She and her boyfriend, Mike, also attended sex therapy to work on their relationship. Initially, when they first met, their sex life was good, but as their relationship became more emotionally intimate and Ann felt more emotionally vulnerable, Ann would freeze whenever Mike touched her.

During her treatment, Ann's trauma therapist and her sex therapist collaborated for the benefit of Ann and Mike's therapy.

Eventually, Ann's mother began her own individual therapy to deal with her role as the passive parent.

After a year in her own therapy, Ann's mother told her that she was ashamed that she didn't try to protect Ann and she apologized. She realized she needed to take responsibility for not doing her part to stop the abuse. She had profound regret and shame and she wanted to work towards reconciling her relationship with Ann (see my article: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation in Families).

Her mother also revealed to Ann that she had also been sexually abused as a child by her father and, in hindsight, she realized that her own experience complicated her feelings about her husband abusing Ann. She said she didn't want to make excuses. She just wanted Ann to understand.

Ann had a lot of mixed feelings towards her mother, but she wanted to forgive her. She also had mixed feelings about father because there were times when he was sober when Ann was a child that he was mostly a kind and loving father. 

She continued to work in trauma therapy to reconcile her feelings towards each of her parents. Since her father died, Ann had no way to reconcile with him directly, but she realized that adult children continue to have an internal relationship with their parents even after they are gone.

In the meantime, Ann and Mike continued to work on their relationship in sex therapy so that Ann could separate her traumatic experiences with her father from her sexual experiences with Mike.

Conclusion

The first step in these situations is to look at your childhood history with adult eyes.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Each person has to decide whether they are willing to reconcile with their parents or not. 

Some people decide that what happened when they were a child was unforgivable and others try to reconcile with one or both parents. 

Others decide to maintain a superficial relationship as opposed to being completely estranged (see my article: Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconcilation).

There is no right or wrong decision. There is only the decision that is right for you as an individual.

Trauma therapy can help you to free yourself from your traumatic history so you can live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Disconnection and Loneliness in Relationships

Resentment, emotional disconnection and loneliness tend to form a negative cycle in relationships where unspoken pain gradually creates"walls" that replace emotional and physical intimacy with distance.

Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship

Resentment is a complicated emotional response to perceived mistreatment or unmet needs. Resentment is a mix of anger, bitterness and disappointment.

What is the Life Cycle of Resentment and Disconnection?

• A Slow Build Up: Resentment rarely develops overnight.  It builds up over time due to repeated experiences of feeling unseen, unheard or unsupported. Resentment often starts when one or both people in the relationship have unexpressed feelings as a result of wanting to avoid conflict.

• Emotional Numbing: As a way to avoid feeling emotional pain in the relationship, individuals "numb out" or detach emotionally. This withdrawal creates an unspoken rift (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself Emotionally?).

• Loneliness When Together: Unspoken resentment can lead to a sense of loneliness even when a couple is physically together in the same space. Their interactions can become transactional or as if on "autopilot' lacking warmth or genuine connection (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

• The Negative Cycle Feeds on Itself: The negative cycle of resentment, disconnection and loneliness feeds on itself. 

What Are the Signs of Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship?

The following are some of the signs:

• Silence and Avoidance: One partner staying up late to avoid their partner. One or both partners retreating to another room or avoiding topics that might create conflict.

Loss of Emotional and Physical Intimacy

• Loss of Intimacy: A decrease or cessation of affection, physical intimacy, meaningful conversation or interest in the other partner's inner emotional world.

• Passive Aggressive Behavior: Using sarcasm, subtle jabs or eye rolling as a form of contempt instead of direct communication (see my article: Improving Communication By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Keeping Score: Constantly comparing efforts or bringing up old mistakes during unrelated arguments (see my article: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

Strategies For Dealing With Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship

• Acknowledge the Resentment: Address the resentment using "I" statements rather than being accusatory. Shift away from blame to vulnerability: "I miss you when we don't talk" instead of "You never talk to me!"

Disconnection and Distractions in Relationships

• Avoid Distractions: Instead of distracting yourself with your phone or being on the Internet, avoid distractions so you can connect with your partner. 

• Find Ways to Reconnect Emotionally: Find meaningful ways to reconnect by engaging in activities you both enjoy. This could involve planning a date night--even if that means staying at home and playing a game together or watching and talking about a favorite movie. In addition, make plans to take a trip together at least once a year, if that's possible. Instead of one person doing all the planning, plan it together as a way to connect and anticipate the pleasure of the upcoming trip.

• Find Ways to Reconnect Physically: Start slowly with physical touch and other gestures of affection. Talk about what you used to enjoy together sexually and what you each miss about not being physically intimate (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: When there has been a build up of resentment, emotional disconnection and loneliness over a period of time, self help techniques are often not enough. If you have stopped having sex, a skilled couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help you to develop the tools and strategies to improve your relationship over time. This usually begins with a focus on emotional and relational issues before sexual issues are addressed.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases:

Lisa and Ed

Married for 25 years, Lisa and Ed co-existed together in their home.

Both of them grew up in families where conflict was never discussed so neither of them knew how to talk about uncomfortable feelings. 

Rather than talking about the increasing emotional and physical gulf between them, they tried to avoid one another.

Over time, their sex life dwindled to a couple of times a year. During their sexual encounters, they both experienced sex as "robotic" and disconnected, but neither of them knew how to talk about it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

After they had sex, Ed would usually roll over and go to sleep and Lisa would get up to do chores around the house. There were no expressions of affection either verbally or physically (see my article: Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?).

Ed spent most of his free time in the basement tinkering in his workshop and Lisa spent most of her time driving their teenage sons to sports and other extracurricular activities.

Both of them were unaware of how their sons acted as a buffer between them until both sons left for college. At that point, Lisa and Ed felt increasingly lonely, but neither of them had the communication or relationship skills to talk about it.

Unhappy and desperate to change their situation, Lisa listened to a podcast with Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) Julie Menanno, LMFT who talked about the negative cycle in relationships. 

As Lisa listened to the podcast, she realized that she and Ed were stuck in a negative cycle and it was possible to learn strategies for how they could break out of that cycle.

When she summoned the courage, Lisa broached the topic of attending couples therapy with Ed over dinner. She could see this made Ed very uncomfortable, but she persisted by telling him she realized they were both unhappy in their relationship and, as she was approaching her 50th birthday, she knew she wanted more out of a relationship.

Ed was reluctant to attend couples therapy at first, but he also sensed that Lisa might end their relationship and he wasn't ready to end their marriage. So, after considerable thought, Ed agreed to go to couples therapy.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)

Their couples therapist was an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) who helped Ed and Lisa to develop the communication and relationship skills they were lacking.  This was challenging for both of them because it meant confronting their discomfort about difficult issues between them. But, over time, they improved their communication skills and let go of their fear of dealing with conflict and resentment.

Both of them were surprised to feel relieved to finally be able to address years of resentment in a way that was respectful and empathetic.  This helped them to open up emotionally in a way they had never experienced before. Gradually, they also let go of their resentments.

After several months, they were both ready to improve their sex life and their therapist provided them with psychoeducation about sex therapy homework to do at home. 

Initially, it was awkward for Lisa and Ed to be sexually intimate, but they developed patience and a sense of humor to overcome the awkwardness until, eventually, they were able to have a more satisfying sex life again.

The work was neither quick nor easy and, just like any other type of therapy, there were setbacks (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

However, step by step, Lisa and Ed saw gradual improvements that built on each other until, over time, they had the fulfilling relationship they wanted.

Conclusion

Resentment and emotional disconnection in a long term relationship usually builds up over time. 

When conflicts go unaddressed and unrepaired in a relationship and resentment increases, emotional disconnection and loneliness also increase until the couple is trapped in a negative cycle.

Acknowledging the problem is the first step to improving the relationship. 

Although many couples end their current relationship and start a new one, they usually discover they develop the same problems in the new relationship because they don't have the communication and relationship skills necessary to sustain a healthy relationship (see my article: How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in One Relationship After the Next).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you want to improve your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist and certified sex therapist (see my article: What is Couples Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: Why Do People Seek Help in Couples Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help to dispel many of the misconceptions about sex therapy. For instance, there is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual clients and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article

How to Let Go of Resentments in Your Relationship 

 

How to Set Boundaries With Friends If They're Texting You Too Much

There are some people who enjoy texting back and forth with their friends all day long and it's mutually satisfying for all the texters involved.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

But if you're not one of those people who enjoys constant texting and you have a friend who likes to send you lots of texts, rather than letting resentment and emotional distance grow, you can tactfully set a limit with your friend (see my article: Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?).

In a world where people can reach others in a flash by texting, a lot of people find it gratifying to express their thoughts and feelings in texts and enjoy the dopamine hit when their friends text back.

People who have problems understanding boundaries can text all day long without considering whether the person they're texting has the time and emotional bandwidth to deal with a barrage of texts (see my article: Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

If you haven't set a limit, you can give your friend the benefit of the doubt that they might not know you don't like a lot of texts and that you don't have the time or emotional bandwidth for it. Therefore, it's up to you to communicate this to them so you take care of your time and mental health.

Why Do Excessive Texts Create Stress and Anxiety?

Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Pressure to Respond (Expectation of Availability): You might feel pressure to respond immediately. This often leads to stress and anxiety when you can't or you don't want to respond immediately.

• Digital Burnout and Overstimulation: Constant notifications can break concentration. The ongoing distraction can lead to mental fatigue.

• Lack of Personal Space: Excessive non-urgent texts throughout the day can feel like an intrusion on your privacy and downtime.

• Anxiety Trigger: A high volume of text messages can induce anxiety and a feeling of being overwhelmed.

• Disruption to Workflow and Personal Tasks: Constant interruptions can make it difficult to focus on work or personal tasks.

How to Set Boundaries With a Friend Who Texts Too Much

Here are some suggestions that might be helpful:

• Shift the Focus from Their Behavior to Your Own Needs and Boundaries: First, recognize that you have the right to your feelings as well as the right to set boundaries. If you can't set boundaries with others, you're going to feel frustrated and you'll probably have ongoing interpersonal problems due to the lack of boundaries. Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, you can say, "Having to check texts many times per day makes me feel anxious. I'm trying to check these notifications less."

• Express Appreciation For Their Friendship: Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, express your appreciation for your friend and the things you like about them so that you're not just focusing on something that bothers you about their behavior. 

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Shift Time Spent With Your Friend From Texts to In-Person Visits: Suggest to your friend that you would like to know what's going on in their life, but you would prefer to do it in person. Then, suggest a time when you're free to meet in person. 

• Let Them Know When You're Available: Let your friend know when you're reachable and manage their expectations about when you're free to respond to texts. You can say something like, "I don't have time to check texts throughout the day, so I only check them after work" or "I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to check personal texts." Then, as previously mentioned, you can suggest meeting when you're both free.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Let them Know You're "Unplugging" to Manage Your Stress: Let your friend know that, as part of a new lifestyle change, you're taking time to "unplug" from your phone and computer. You can tell them that, as part of your digital detox, you're cutting back on the time you spend reading email and texts. You can also tell them that if they don't hear from you for a few days, this is the reason.  

• Evaluate the Friendship: If your friend doesn't understand that you don't have the time and emotional bandwidth for a lot of texts in a day, you can evaluate whether the aspects you like about this friend outweigh this problem. If you have communicated your boundaries and they don't respect them, there might be other areas where you'll find they will cross your boundaries. At some point, you'll need to decide whether you want this friend in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego State Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?

Many people don't understand the difference between being assertive and being aggression, so I think it's worthwhile to define each of these terms and differentiate them from one another.

Assertiveness vs Aggressive Behavior

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to express your needs, feelings and boundaries with confidence, clarity and respect.  While being assertive, you're not diminishing or violating the rights of others.

What is Aggression?

Aggression attempts to control, manipulate or intimidate others to get your own way. This often violates boundaries and damages relationships.

What is the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggression?

Based on the descriptions above, the difference between assertiveness and aggression lies in whether you respect yourself and others, which would be assertiveness, or prioritizing yourself at the expense of others, which would be aggressive.

Let's take a closer look at the differences between assertiveness and aggression:

Intent: 

• Assertiveness seeks understanding, resolution and mutual respect. 
• Aggression is often fueled by a desire to control, win or punish.

Respect For Others:

• Assertive behavior seeks to consider the needs of others while expressing your own needs. 
• Aggressive behavior often disregards the needs and feelings of others.

Emotional State:

• Assertiveness is usually calm, rational and firm. 
• Aggression is usually emotionally charged and accompanied by anger or contempt.

Focus:

• Assertiveness focuses on the problem using "I" statements.
• Aggression focuses on attacking and blaming the other person using "you" statements.

Why Is It Important to Know the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?

• Long Term Impact: Assertiveness seeks to build trust, self esteem and healthier, more productive relationships.

• Consequences: Aggression causes resentment, fear and disconnection.

• Cultural Context: Women, people of color and others are often labeled as "aggressive" for behavior that is viewed as "assertive" in others. This makes it important to recognize and challenge these biases.

Examples:

Joe:

After a contentious staff meeting where Joe attempted to intimidate and dominate his colleagues, his director confronted Joe about his aggressive behavior, but Joe told his director that he didn't care if his colleagues didn't like him because the only thing he cared about was "winning" the company prize for highest sales. He told his director he thought his colleagues were "losers" and they should be fired. 

Aggressive Behavior

In response, his director attempted to work with Joe to help him to understand the impact his behavior was having on his work relationships. He explained how Joe could be assertive, rather than aggressive, by speaking in a calm tone and showing his colleagues respect. When Joe's behavior continued to be aggressive, his director terminated him.

Julie:

As the only Black woman on her executive team, Julie talked to the other executives on the team about the negative impact some the company's policies had on women. She could sense their discomfort while she was speaking and she asserted she felt there was a need to address these issues to make certain changes which would benefit employees and the company. 

Assertive Behavior

After the meeting, she overheard one of the male executives remark quietly to another male executive, "I can't stand aggressive women." She reflected on her behavior in the meeting and she concluded that she was assertive and not aggressive. Soon after that, she consulted with the human resource director who agreed that the policies should be reviewed and changed. She also told Julie she would do a company-wide training to educate employees about the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness especially as it applied to women and people of color.

Mark:

When his friends confronted Mark about his aggressive behavior with women at a club they often attended, Mark shrugged it off by saying, "Women want men to dominate them. No matter what they say in public, privately they want a strong man." In response, his best friend, John, pointed out that women usually rebuffed Mark at the club because they were put off by his controlling behavior. 

Aggressive vs Assertive Behavior

He also explained that some of the women in their friend group also complained that they sometimes felt bullied by Mark and that he usually focused on what he wanted even if the rest of the group wanted something else. Mark respected John so he thought about the negative consequences his aggressive behavior had in his personal relationships and he decided to try to change. John suggested that Mark get help in therapy to understand what caused him to try to control and manipulate others. Over time, he realized that his father, who was aggressive within the family, only expressed praise for him when Mark was also aggressive in his relationships. At that point, Mark realized he had a lot of work to do in therapy and he felt it was worth it.

Conclusion

Although many people confuse assertive and aggressive behavior, there are important differences.

Understanding the differences can help you to have a healthier relationship with yourself and others.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,

Also See My Article:

Assertiveness: Learning to Say No