Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

Becoming aware of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship can help you to break destructive patterns that create problems for you and your partner (see my article: Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior).

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

Self sabotaging behavior in relationships can be conscious or unconscious behavior that stem from fear of abandonment, low self esteem, unresolved trauma and other related problems.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

This destructive behavior often acts as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional pain.  

What Does Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship Look Like?

The following are examples of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

• Creating Conflict and Drama: Picking fights over small issues, being very critical or finding faults with a partner to cause problems

• Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Distancing, shutting down emotionally or exiting conversations when intimacy or conflicts arise. Note: Many individuals who have an avoidant attachment style withdraw because they are overwhelmed and they need time to recoup. This is different from withdrawing to intentionally distance yourself from your partner (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Testing Loyalty: Setting up tests to see how much your partner cares about you. This often leads to a self fulfilling prophecy of abandonment when the tests are unreasonable.

• Insecurity and Jealousy: Projecting insecurities, excessive monitoring or comparing current partners unfavorably to past partners (see my article: Jealousy Isn't Love).

• Ending a Relationship Prematurely: Ending a relationship before it can end on its own. This often occurs out of fear of a future rejection by the partner.

• Holding Onto Grudges and Resentment: Refusing to let go of past minor disagreements or mistakes so there is no repair between you and your partner. Instead of actively repairing the problem between you, you avoid dealing with it so that, over time, there is a pile-up of grudges and resentment which causes emotional disconnection between you and your partner or the relationship ends from the weight of the resentments (see my article: The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Distance and Loneliness in Relationships).

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

• Fear of Abandonment or Rejection: Pushing your partner away to avoid an anticipated future rejection--even in cases where this fear is a distortion

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Fear of Emotional Vulnerability: Lacking trust or experiencing a fear of taking the risk to open up emotionally. Since being vulnerable is an essential part of a healthy relationship, this fear can ruin a relationship (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• Low Self Esteem:  A feeling that you don't deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship

• Unrealistic Expectations: Holding your partner to unrealistic or impossible standards (see my article: Your Partner Can't Meet All Your Needs).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

Jane

When Jane met Alan, she realized she liked him a lot and she wanted to get to know him better.

Three months later, they both agreed they had fallen in love and they wanted to be exclusive so they stopped dating other people.

Initially, Jane enjoyed her time with Alan and she could foresee a long term relationship and even marriage.  But, as they got closer, her old fears and insecurities made her feel very anxious and fearful in the relationship. 

One of her biggest fears was she anticipated that Alan would realize that she wasn't good enough for him and he would leave her (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That Others Won't Like You If They Got to Know the "Real You").

She talked to Alan about this and he tried to reassure her that he loved her and he wanted to be with her, but no amount of reassurance helped to alleviate Jane's fears.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

When Jane became overwhelmed with her fear that Alan would leave her, she would break up with him. Initially, she felt relieved because she was no longer dreading being abandoned. But soon afterward, she regretted breaking up with him and she would feel desperate to rekindle their relationship.

After they got back together again, Jane's fear and insecurity would come up again. She knew she didn't want to break up with Alan, but she found the emotional vulnerability of being in the relationship to be overwhelming. 

At the time, she didn't realize that she would pick arguments with him over insignificant things as a way of creating emotional distance. But when they started couples therapy, the couples therapist helped them to see the negative cycle in their relationship and Jane realized she was picking fights with Alan out of fear.

In addition to couples therapy, Jane attended her own individual trauma therapy to deal with the underlying trauma that was the cause of her self sabotaging behavior.

Over time, Jane was able to work through her unresolved childhood trauma which created her fear of abandonment and insecurity. She and Alan also learned to work as a team to prevent the negative cycle in their relationship with the help of their couples therapist.

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

• Recognize Patterns and Triggers: To recognize patterns and triggers requires self awareness and a willingness to change. 

• Develop Open Communication: Instead of engaging in passive aggressive or other unhealthy behavior, create open and vulnerable communication with your partner. 

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Build Self Esteem: Work on developing your self esteem to accept love and accept being in a healthy relationship without fear and reactive behavior.

• Work on Unresolved Personal Trauma in Trauma Therapy: Since the root cause of self sabotaging behavior usually stems from unresolved childhood trauma, work on these issues in trauma therapy so that you no longer get triggered in your relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

• Work on Relationship Issues in Couples Therapy: A couples therapist who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you and your partner to identify and prevent and a negative cycle in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during busness hours or email me.

How to Develop Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

Emotional safety is an essential part of any relationship.

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

What is Emotional Safety?

Let's start by defining emotional safety.

Emotional safety is an embodied sense that you can be your true self without fear of judgment, rejection or retaliation. 

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

When you feel safe emotionally, your nervous system is calm. You're not in a state of fear. You feel open and comfortable with yourself and with your partner.

Emotional safety is the foundation of a healthy relationships and allows you to share your emotional needs.

Emotional safety also allows you to admit your mistakes because you feel respected and valued by your partner.

If you're in a relationship, you feel heard and validated for your feelings. Even when your partner might not feel the same way, they can understand why you feel like you do.

What Are the Key Elements of Emotional Safety?

• Vulnerability: As previously mentioned, you feel secure enough to talk about difficult topics, fears and insecurities without anticipating a negative reaction (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

• Non-judgment: When expressed in a healthy way, your feelings are treated as being understandable as opposed to being "too much" or "wrong".

• Consistency: Being able to predict how your partner will respond helps your nervous system to relax rather than going into a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response.

• Healthy Boundaries: You're able to set healthy boundaries with your partner without your partner making you feel guilty or lashing out.

Why Does Emotional Safety Matter in a Relationship?

When you feel safe in your relationship, you can regulate your emotions and stay emotionally engaged with your partner. 

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

If you don't have emotional safety, you might feel hypervigilant, anxious or an urge to "walk on eggshells" to avoid conflict with your partner.

How Can You Build Emotional Safety in Your Relationship?

To build emotional safety, it's important to:

• Get Curious and Listen: Get curious and listen to your partner to understand rather than to defend or"fix" them (see my article: What is Active Listening?).

• Validate Each Other's Feelings: Acknowledge your partner's feelings--even if you don't agree or you don't feel the same way.

• Be Transparent: Make sure your actions match your words to build trust.

• Make Repairs: Own your mistakes in a timely manner and make an effort to reconnect with your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

There are times when one or both partners have problems establishing and maintaining emotional safety due to prior traumatic experiences either as a child or in prior adult relationships (see my article: How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Safe?).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If emotional safety is an issue in your relationship, you and your partner could benefit from working with a couples therapist experienced in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (also known as EFT) can help you and your partner understand both of your unmet attachment needs and change negative dynamics in your relationship that keep you both stuck.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in EFT couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship 

Recognizing When You Feel Unsafe in Interpersonal Relationships

What Are the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System?  

Relationships: Jealousy Isn't Love

Jealousy is a common emotion experienced in varying degrees in most romantic relationships (see my article: Overcoming Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship).

What is Jealousy?

Feeling jealous is often a signal of perceived danger to the relationship. 

Jealousy usually involves a fear of losing a partner to a rival. 

Jealousy Isn't Love

A little bit of jealousy can be a signal that you and your partner need to talk about insecurity and unmet needs. 

Communication between you and your partner about what makes each of you jealous or uncomfortable can help you to make positive changes in your relationship.

Why Do People Confuse Jealousy and Love?

People confuse jealousy and love because jealousy tends to: 

• Signal a deep emotional investment
• A fear of losing someone who is important 
• A perceived threat to a valued bond

Jealousy is often romanticized as proof of devotion, but this is incorrect because jealousy isn't love.

What Can Trigger a Jealous Reaction?

Almost anything can trigger a jealous reaction. It depends on the person.

Examples might include:

• Spending time with friends
• Talking to an attractive person at a party
• Going to lunch with a coworker
• Talking about a former romantic partner which is called retroactive jealousy

How is Jealousy Different From Envy?

People often confuse jealousy and envy.

Whereas jealousy is losing someone or something to a third party, envy is wanting something that someone else has.

When Does Jealousy Become Unhealthy?

A fleeting pang of jealousy which leads to you and your partner talking about the relationship in a calm and thoughtful way can be a good thing and can bring you closer.  

This is different from excessive jealousy.

Jealousy Isn't Love

Excessive jealousy can lead to:

• Obsessive thoughts and an inability to let go of fears, which leads to constant worry

• Controlling behavior like dictating who a partner can see or where a partner can go, dictating what a partner can wear, forbidding certain activities and so on

• Constant unwarranted suspicion with unfounded accusations and excessive questioning

• Possessive or accusatory reactions

• Invading privacy such as checking a partner's phone and demanding constant updates, which can erode a relationship

• Psychological manipulation using guilt or self pity

• Isolation such as trying to isolate a partner from friends and family

Overcoming Excessive Jealousy

• Self Reflection: If you're the partner who is excessively jealous, reflect on your behavior and identify your insecurities. Recognize that you have a problem and work on building your self esteem and confidence.               

Jealousy Isn't Love

• Personal Safety: If you're the partner who is experiencing excessive jealousy from your partner, consider your personal safety first. If your partner is threatening you, you need to confide in at least one trusted loved one and remove yourself from harm.

• Communication: Assuming you can both remain calm, speak openly with your partner about your feelings without blame.

Get Help in Therapy

• Seek Help: Seek help in individual therapy or couples therapy to work out issues around jealousy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have worked with individual adults and couples for over 25 years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Recognizing When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Relationships

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Obsessive Jealousy

Overcoming Jealousy

Why "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Creates Problems in Relationships

When I work with couples who are trying to understand why their relationship isn't working, I often hear one partner say they don't understand why their relationship isn't working since they've done everything their partner wanted. 

"Happy Wife, Happy Life" Dynamic Creates Problems

Although the phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" assumes heterosexuality, the dynamics involved can apply to any relationship regardless of sexual identity, sexual orientation or any other identifiers.

Rather than using the words "wife" and "husband", I'm going to discuss these dynamics by referring to Partner A and Partner B: 

    Partner A is the person who tends to appease and sacrifice their own needs.

    Partner B is the one who expects to be appeased regardless of what Partner A really wants.

Where Did the Phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Come From?

The phrase is a common cultural trope reflecting traditional gender roles where it's assumed that the wife's mood dictates the home's atmosphere.

Why "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Creates Problems in Relationships

The phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" creates problems in relationships because it suppresses emotions and honesty.

It also encourages avoiding conflict and truth to keep the peace. This often leads to emotional withdrawal and a false sense of harmony instead of a real emotional connection.

Here are the main problems:

• Fosters Codependency: Partner A's happiness and sense of self worth becomes tied to Partner B's mood with Partner A constantly appeasing and making sacrifices for Partner B (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

• Creates Unequal Power: If Partner B's happiness is at the center of the relationship with Partner A catering to Partner B's whims, over time this will breed resentment and power struggles (see my article: Overcoming Power Struggles).

• Encourages Entitlement and Blame: Some partners who are in the role of Partner B can expect constant appeasement at the expense of Partner A's happiness. The implication is that if Partner A is unhappy, it's Partner A's own fault (see my article: Moving Beyond the Blame Game).

• Ignores Partner A's Needs and Autonomy: "Happy Wife, Happy Life" implies that Partner B's needs are more important than Partner A. This tends to damage both partners' happiness.

• Oversimplifies Relationship Dynamics: It oversimplifies relationship dynamics by reducing each partner to their role (the demanding Partner B and the appeasing Partner A) instead of individuals with their own unique needs.

How to Shift Out of the "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Mentality in Your Relationship

• Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness: Rather than focusing on one partner's happiness, refocus so that you and your partner are considering both of you.

Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness

• Shift From Avoidance to Engagement: Instead of seeing conflict as a threat, reframe conflict as an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection. This can foster emotional intimacy through understanding--not through silence and appeasement.

• From Self Centered Peace to Mutual Value: If you're in the role of the appeaser, recognize that your appeasement is probably driven by fear of upsetting your partner so your life will be peaceful. This isn't love. Love exists where both people feel valued and heard.  If you're in the role of having your way most of the time, recognize that your partner has needs too so seek a compromise.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Dan and Marie

When Dan and Marie sought help in couples therapy, they were already considering separating, but they decided to try couples therapy to see if they could save their marriage.

Dan explained that from the beginning of their relationship, he tried to make Marie happy by doing whatever she wanted. He said his father gave him advice before they got married, "Happy wife, happy life", and told Dan that if he made Marie happy, they would have a happy relationship.

Happy Wife, Happy Life Dynamic Creates Problems

Even though his father followed this advice in his own marriage with Dan's mother, they always seemed unhappy to Dan. They never discussed their relationship with Dan, but when he graduated high school, they sat down with him and told him they decided to get a divorce.  

At the time, Dan didn't question his parents, but he wasn't surprised.  Dan's father had become increasingly withdrawn over the years and Dan suspected that his parents were just waiting for him to graduate to end their relationship.

Marie told the couples therapist that she saw the same dynamic with Dan. He became  emotionally distant a few years into their marriage. She explained they hardly ever quarreled, but she often felt alone and lonely due to Dan's emotional withdrawal. She also indicated that she tried to talk to Dan about it but, even though he was aware of his withdrawal, he didn't know what was making him so unhappy in the relationship (see my article: Feeling Alone in a Relationship).

Both Marie and Dan agreed  that they stopped being interested in having sex a few years after they got married (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

Marie explained that her father always prioritized her mother's needs over his own because he also believed in the "happy wife, happy life" philosophy.  Since her parents didn't believe in divorce, she knew they would stay together no matter what happened, but she didn't think either of them felt fulfilled in their relationship.

Their couples therapist knew they needed to work on creating emotional intimacy before dealing with their no-sex marriage.  So, she continued to explore the emotional dynamics in their relationship and she realized that Dan's belief that he had to appease Marie--even if it meant he was sacrificing his own needs--was a major problem in their relationship.

Their couples therapist helped Marie and Dan to understand the codependent nature of their relationship and helped them to take steps to change to a healthier interdependent dynamic.

It wasn't easy for them. It had been so long since Dan considered what he wanted that he had to work hard in therapy to identify his wants and needs.  Marie was also accustomed to having her way and making most of the decisions so, initially, she found it challenging too.

One major change they were facing was where they would move after they retired. Even though they were about 10 years away from making that decision, they both assumed they would move from New York to South Carolina after they retired because Marie had friends in SC. But when the couples therapist explored this decision with them, Dan and Marie realized this was something Marie wanted, but Dan was only going along with it to appease Marie.

Although Marie was disappointed, she didn't want Dan to be unhappy so they decided to compromise and consider other locations.

This was the beginning of Dan getting back in touch with his own needs and Marie realizing she needed to compromise.

Over time, as Dan asserted his needs and Marie became attuned to Dan, they were able to compromise more easily. Instead of being emotionally withdrawn, Dan became more emotionally present which allowed them to feel closer.

As they became closer emotionally, they also began to have sex again. At first, they were hesitant because it had been so long since they had sex, but as their emotional intimacy increased, they found their way back to each other sexually (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

It wasn't quick or easy, but by the time they completed couples therapy, they both felt more fulfilled in their relationship.

Conclusion

Regardless of sexual identity, sexual orientation orientation, age, race or any other identifiers, when one partner appeases the other while sacrificing their own needs, problems develop.

Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness

Learning to shift this unhealthy dynamic isn't easy, but the effort can often save a relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Even when both people are motivated to change relationship dynamics, they can find it challenging.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling to change your relationship, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can provide you with the tools and strategies to make changes so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR,  AEDP, Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What Are the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System (ABS)?

If you're looking for an excellent book to understand your relationship, check out Secure Love: Creating a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno.

Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS

I really like this book and recommend it to couples I work with because it has excellent information about couples dynamics, it's written in an accessible way and Ms. Menanno's theoretical orientation for couples therapy is the same as mine--Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT).

In fact, she and I were taught by the same two senior trainers, Sue Johnson, who developed EFT, and George Faller, a long-time EFT trainer and couples therapist.

Understanding Your Relationship Through the Lens of the Attachment Behavioral System

Ms. Menanno provides valuable information about attachment theory as well as practical information about how to understand attachment styles (see my articles about attachment styles below).

Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS

What Are the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System (ABS)?

According to Ms. Menanno most couples' problems can be sorted out into four categories and knowing which areas you and your partner are struggling with can help you to know where to focus your attention:

• Comfort
• Connection
• Cooperation 
• Conflict

Let's take a look at each of these components of the ABS:

• Comfort: This category focuses on how well you and your partner provide each other with comfort when one of you seeks comfort or emotional support. She distinguishes comfort from advice giving or trying to "fix" the problem. It also focuses on how well you can manage your emotions while you're comforting your partner.

• Example: Your partner comes home from a visit to her mother's house and she tells you she feels down because her mother criticized her throughout the visit. This has been an ongoing pattern since your partner was a young child. Your partner tells you she needs your emotional support. Do you 1) attune to your partner's feelings and engage in active listening while empathizing with your partner's experience or 2) do you give your partner advice about how to handle the criticism the next time she visits her mother? If your partner has clearly stated she needs your emotional support. the correct answer is 1).

• Connection: Connection refers to the emotional and physical/sexual connection you and your partner experience with each other. Connection involves emotional vulnerability. Emotional connection also involves having fun together. 

• Example: When you talk to your partner about your day, do you 1) talk about the details of your day without expressing how you feel about what happened or 2) do you express your emotional vulnerability by discussing how you were emotionally impacted by what happened? For you and your partner to feel connected with each other, you need to express your emotional vulnerability or you will just be providing the mundane details of your day and you won't be connecting with your partner in a meaningful way. So, 2) is the better way to go.

Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS

• Cooperation: Teamwork is the essence of this category. This includes how well you and your partner are emotionally supportive with one another and how you manage your daily life. Examples of managing your daily life include sharing the mental load, handling housework, taking care of finances, parenting, managing personal family relationships as well as in-laws (see my articles: Feeling Stuck in the Middle: How to Deal What to Do If Your Spouse and Your Parents Don't Get Along and Dealing With Difficult In-Laws).

• Example: You and your partner divide up the housework and sharing in managing finances. You also divide up the mental load by sharing in remembering and buying gifts for family members' birthdays and anniversaries. Even though you're better at managing interpersonal relationships, you and your partner have made a decision that he will manage the relationship with your mother-in-law because she responds better to him than she does to you.

• Conflict: How well do you and your partner handle disagreements when you're not doing well with the other categories (comfort, connection and cooperation)? Are you both able to manage your emotions or do you get stuck in the "Blame Game" where you're hurling accusations at each other? Are you able to maintain respect for each other during an argument or do you get stuck in the same negative cycle over and over again?

• Example: You and your partner tend to argue about money. You're a saver and he tends to be a spender. Even though you both maintain your own bank accounts with a third account for shared expenses, you keep telling your partner you could both be saving more for retirement if he would curb his spending. When you tell him that, he feels like you're trying to control him. You argue until you're both exhausted. Then, you each retreat and, after a few hours, you're speaking to each other again. Nothing gets repaired. Instead, resentment builds as these unresovled arguments continue to pile up without resolutions. 

Conclusion

Looking through the relational lense of the 4 Cs (comfort, connection, cooperation and conflict) is one way to look at your relationship to understand the positive aspects of your relationship as well as the areas that need attention.

Relationships and the 4 Cs of ABS

When you look at the 4 Cs in your relationship, you and your partner can appreciate the positive aspects and work on repairing the aspects that need improvement.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you recognize problem areas that you and your partner have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who uses Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples (see my article: How EFT Couples Therapy Can Help You to Improve Your Relationship).

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a EFT licensed mental health professional who can help you and your partner to work through the relationship issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Why is It So Hard to Validate Your Partner's Vulnerability?

As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, I see many relationships who have problems with emotional validation.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

In a prior article, Validation as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy, I discussed the importance of vulnerability in developing emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship.

In the current article I'm focusing on why it can be difficult to validate a partner's emotional vulnerability.

Why Is Validating a Partner's Vulnerability Difficult?

People often struggle to validate their partner's vulnerability for many reasons including:

• Misunderstanding validation: Believing it means agreeing or admitting fault--rather than acknowledging their partner's emotional reality.

• Fear and defensiveness: Vulnerability can trigger personal fears (fear of rejection or fear of inadequacy), making a partner defensive and punishing their partner for being vulnerable.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Lack of Skills: Not knowing how to validate, struggling with emotional intelligence or an inability to handle intense emotions.

• Past Experiences of Being Hurt: Prior experiences of being hurt when vulnerability was met with rejection or criticism can create barriers.

• Societal Norms: Pressure to be stoic, especially for men, can hinder emotional sharing.

• Differing Perspectives: Difficulty accepting a partner's perspective due to a differing perspective.

• Emotional Disconnection: Being disconnected from their own own painful feelings. This can drive invalidating behavior towards their partner.

What Does Invalidating Behavior Look Like in Relationships?

The following are some examples of invalidating behavior:

• Dismissing a partner's feelings as "irrational" or "ridiculous".

• Turning away from a partner.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Rolling their eyes, which is a form of contempt (see my article: Improving Communication By Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Changing the subject

• Focusing only on their own feelings about the topic

Conclusion

Validation isn't agreement.

Validation is about creating a safe haven for your partner's emotional experience.

Validating your partner requires a conscious effort, but the good news is that validation is a skill that can be learned (see my article: How to Validate Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with problems in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in working with couples.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the skills and tools you need to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.