Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

I introduced the topic of infidelity in my prior article, Common Relationship Problems After Infidelity by using two composite vignettes. 

Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

In the current article, I'll continue to focus on these two vignettes and show how couples sex therapy can help.

Clinical Vignettes

The following composite vignettes were discussed in my prior article:

Maria and Sal: A Relationship With a Monogamous Agreement

Recap From the Prior Article: 

Maria found out that Sal was cheating on her with another woman after she found his sext messages. Initially, Sal denied he was cheating but, eventually, he admitted it but he said the other woman "meant nothing" to him.  But he agreed to stop seeing the other woman. Both of them agreed to put the matter behind them and "move on." After that, their sex life became much more passionate than it had been in years, but that only lasted a short time. And, despite their agreement to "move on", Maria became highly suspicious of Sal's behavior and even his thoughts.  As a result, they stopped having sex altogether and they didn't know how to repair their relationship.

Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

Couples/Sex Therapy for Maria and Sal:

When they couldn't repair their relationship on their own, they sought help in couples sex therapy (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples and What is Sex Therapy?).

The couples sex therapist told them that a lot of couples want to avoid the difficult stage of repairing their relationship so they decide to "move on" to avoid difficult emotions. She told them this is a common mistake and to achieve a lasting reconciliation, they couldn't avoid dealing with their emotions.

During couples sex therapy Maria learned how to communicate her hurt and pain and Sal learned how to respond in an empathetic way and to express his genuine remorse. The therapist normalized that, even with couples who want to stay together, their relationship doesn't improve overnight. 

Maria admitted that, after she found out Sal was cheating, she wanted to prove to Sal and to herself that she could be just as sexy and passionate as she imagined the other woman had been. But this stage didn't last long because her anger, resentment and suspicion grew and she felt even more resentful when she thought that Sal might think "everything was okay" just because she was having sex with him.

The therapist also told Sal that, if he wanted Maria to forgive him (and not just brush their problems under the rug), he needed to understand her upset and be accountable to her--even if the reconciliation didn't happen as quickly as he would like. 

They worked on improving communication and rebuilding trust, which was especially difficult for Maria because she realized, once she allowed herself to feel the emotions she had been suppressing, she was hurt and angry (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After Infidelity).

Over time, they both realized that, even though Sal sought Maria's forgiveness and Maria wanted to forgive him, forgiveness isn't a one-and-done process--it comes in stages from surface to depth (see my article: Stages of Forgiveness).

As Maria healed emotionally and began to rebuild trust in Sal, she was open to trying to have sex with him again. At first, there were times during sex when she thought about Sal being with the other woman and she became so upset that she had to stop.

Over time, Maria and Sal accepted that, due to the betrayal, they wouldn't be able to "go back" to the same relationship they had before. They realized they needed to mourn the relationship they had before and develop the next phase of their new relationship. Along the way, there were setbacks, but they continued to make progress (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy While You're on the Road to Healing).

Bob and John: A Relationship With a Consensual Nonmonogamous Agreement

Recap from the Prior Article:

Bob and John were in a long term consensually nonmonogamous relationship when Bob found out that John had gone against their agreement by getting emotionally involved with another man (their agreement was that they could have casual sex with other people but not see them more than once to avoid forming emotional ties). John admitted he broke their agreement. He told Bob he never meant to hurt him. He also told him that he wanted to remain in their relationship, but he also wanted to continue to see the other man.  Bob was so hurt that, even though he didn't want to end his relationship with John, he knew it would be excruciating for him if John continued to be emotionally involved with the other man. So, he distanced himself emotionally and sexually from John. Both of them felt stuck and they didn't know what to do.

Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

Couples Sex Therapy for Bob and John:

Since they were at an impasse, they decided to seek help from a couples sex therapist.

As John took responsibility for cheating, he realized that he would need to make a painful decision after Bob gave him an ultimatum: Either John would choose to work on their relationship or, if John wanted to continue to see the other man, they would breakup.  

After considering Bob's ultimatum, John chose to work on their relationship and he ended his relationship with the other man. He said he realized he didn't want to lose Bob and that their relationship was the most important relationship in his life.

Similar to Maria and Sal, they had to go through many of the same steps to try to repair their relationship--improving communication and rebuilding trust.

During the early stage of couples sex therapy, they agreed not to see other people until they repaired their relationship. Bob was also fearful that, if they did open their relationship again to have casual sex with others, he wouldn't be able to trust John.

Bob and John worked hard in therapy to rebuild their relationship over time. Gradually, Bob believed John had a deep sense of remorse for his betrayal. John also admitted he had been selfish to cheat on Bob.

The first few times they tried to have sex, Bob got distracted with thoughts about John being with the other man. During those times, Bob had to stop and he turned away from John. He couldn't help feeling insecure in terms of what the other man's body looked like compared to him.  

They were able to talk about it in their couples sex therapy and, over time, John learned to stay focused on remaining emotionally and sexually engaged with John instead of focusing on thoughts about John being with the other man.

When they had rebuilt their trust, which took time, they talked about their consensual nonmonogamous agreement in light of John's cheating and reiterated that they would only have casual sex with others and refrain from having sex with the same partner more than once to avoid developing emotional attachments.

Conclusion

Infidelity can occur in any type of relationship--regardless of whether you and your partner have agreed to be in a monogamous or consensual nonmonogamous relationship.  

If the partners decide to remain together, they need to go through the repair process without skipping or avoiding steps.

Couples sex therapy can help people in relationships to heal and develop the next phase of their relationship.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

Couples sex therapy is therapy for people in a relationship where they're having emotional and sexual problems--whether it's about infidelity, differences in libido, communication problems or other relational and/or sexual problems.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a dynamic that isn't working, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise with the problem you're having.

The best chance for success in couples sex therapy involves seeking help sooner rather than  later.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts.

See my articles: 

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

Asking For Forgiveness: The Power to Make Amends

Deciding Whether or Not to Forgive Your Father

Deciding Whether or Not to Forgive Your Parents

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

Most people think that if they forgive someone who has hurt them, they're doing it for this person.  But getting to the point where you forgive someone is something that you do for yourself in order not to continue carrying around hurt and anger inside you.

When you've been hurt, you're not always ready to forgive the other person immediately.  This is normal, especially if the person really hurt or betrayed you.  It might take time--if you decide to forgive this person at all.

Psychological Stages of Forgiveness
Everyone is different, so even though I'm outlining these psychological stages of forgiveness, recognize that each person goes through the process in his or her own unique way.  Also, the stages aren't necessarily linear, and you can go back and forth between these different stages before you reach a resolution for yourself.

• Understand What Happened:  If you have been unexpectedly hurt or betrayed by someone close to you, it can be such a shock to you that you might need time to understand what happened.  Instead of being hasty before you know the details, make sure  you understand the situation and the circumstances.

• Understand Your Own Feelings About What Happened:  Once you've determined the details of what happened and you think you have the facts, you might not be sure how you feel about it initially, especially if the hurt or betrayal was unexpected.  You will probably need time to absorb what happened and sort out your feelings.  Take time before you say or do anything that you might regret, including "brushing things under the rug" because you don't want to deal with it (Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

• Be Aware That Complete Forgiveness Doesn't Usually Come All At Once:  Once you understand what happened and you've had time to sort out your feelings, you might have an intention to forgive the other person.  But despite your intention, complete forgiveness might not happen all at once.  Forgiving someone for a very hurtful situation usually happens from surface to depth.  In other words, you make a commitment to yourself and the other person that you want to accept an apology, but that doesn't mean that everything is back to normal between the two of you.  It might be a while (if ever) before you trust this person again.

• Be Clear On What You Mean When You Say You Accept an Apology:  If you still need time before you resume your relationship with this person, tell him or her this.  Let the other person know that this will be a process for both of you.  Or, if you have decided that the hurt or the betrayal was so great that you can't continue the relationship, you can accept the apology without an understanding that "everything is back to normal" and try to have closure, if possible (see my articles: Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal and Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss).

• Don't Use the Forgiveness Process as a Power Play:  Whether or not you decide to forgive the person who hurt you is up to you.  As I mentioned earlier, the process of forgiveness is for you, not the other person.  But if you know that you want to eventually forgive this person, don't use this as a power play by holding your forgiveness over the other person's head as a bargaining chip.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are some situations, especially in cases of major betrayal or abuse, where you might be confused as to how you feel and what you want to do.

If you've tried to get clear on your own feelings and you're still confused, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

While you don't have to continue to have this person in your life if it will make you unhappy, holding onto anger and resentment is only going to hurt you more (see my article: Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die).

Rather than allowing hurt and anger to eat away at you, you could work through your feelings with a licensed mental health professional who can help you through the situation and provide you with the necessary tools for you to have closure and move on with your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients through the psychological stages of forgiveness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die

Anger is a common emotional response, especially when someone close to us says or does something that is hurtful.  

Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die

But anger becomes toxic when we hold onto it and refuse to let it go.  We keep the anger alive by going over and over in our minds whatever grievance we have with a particular person, and this becomes an emotionally and sometimes physically toxic experience.

There is much wisdom in the Buddhist saying, "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Holding onto anger is mostly hurtful to ourselves.  It can sour our outlook on life as well as current and future relationships.

Letting Go of Anger is a Process
Letting go of anger is a process.  It's important to acknowledge the anger rather than sweeping it under the rug.  But, beyond this initial stage, it's important to work through the anger so that it doesn't  ruin our emotional well being and our relationships.

Sometimes people hold onto anger because they're afraid to deal with their underlying hurt feelings.  Feeling angry, as opposed to feeling hurt, gives the illusion of feeling empowered.  But, in many ways, holding onto anger is disempowering.  It takes a lot of energy to keep churning anger, and it takes away from other positive areas in our lives.

Letting Go of Anger and Forgiving Isn't the Same as Forgetting
Whether or not you forgive the person who offended you is up to you.  As I've said many times in other blog articles, forgiveness doesn't mean that you're saying whatever happened was all right.  It means that you've made a decision to let go of the hurt and anger you feel when you're ready to do so.   It also means you're ready to move on, whether you decide to keep this person in your life or not.

When you forgive someone, it doesn't mean that you necessarily forget what happened, especially if whatever caused you to feel hurt or angry is part of an ongoing pattern with this person.  It also doesn't mean that you remain in an unhealthy relationship.  But remembering and keeping yourself out of harm's way doesn't mean you have to hold onto the negative emotions.

When holding onto anger becomes habitual, it can make you feel bitter about your life.  Collecting grievances and holding onto them puts an emotional barrier between you and others.  For many people, this is a way to shield themselves from getting hurt again.  But using this defense mechanism comes at a big emotional and sometimes physical cost.

If you find yourself holding onto anger, you can ask yourself the following questions:

• What purpose does it serve to hold onto this anger?
• How is holding onto this anger affecting you on an emotional, physical and spiritual level?
• How is holding onto this anger affecting the important relationships in your life?
• Are you less available to others because of the anger that you're holding onto?
• How is holding onto anger affecting your outlook on life and your future?
• How is holding onto anger keeping you from being more present in your life?
• How else is holding onto anger keeping you stuck?

Letting Go of Anger
Making a decision to let go of anger is usually the first step in the letting go process.  If your anger is related to a particularly big betrayal, you can usually expect that the letting go process will take some time.

The important thing to remember is that when you let go of anger, you're doing it mostly for yourself--not necessarily the person that you're angry with.  You're making a conscious decision to move on emotionally so that you're no longer stuck in this negative state.

How to Let Go of Anger

Journal Writing
Many people find it especially helpful to keep a private journal and write down their feelings.  By putting your feelings down on paper, you're getting them out of your head and into the light of day.

Writing down your feelings often helps you to understand.  You could have important insights about yourself as well as the other person.

Talking It Out With a Trusted Loved One
It's important to have a strong emotional support system.  By talking it out with a trusted friend or family member, you might get a different perspective.  It also helps to relieve the stress of pent up anger by talking it out.

Seeking Professional Help From a Licensed Therapist
Depending upon what you're angry about, talking to a friend or family member might not be enough, especially if you're dealing with a particularly difficult act of betrayal by someone close to you.  In those instances, it's often helpful to seek the help of a licensed psychotherapist who is impartial and who has expertise in helping clients to let go of anger and resentment.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you know that letting go of anger has been difficult for you and it has had serious repercussions for you as well as your loved ones, rather than continuing to do what hasn't worked for you all along, you  could benefit from getting professional help so that you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to let go of the anger and hurt that keep them stuck in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Deciding Whether or Not to Reconcile With Your Father

I've seen it happen so many times among friends, family and with clients in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City:  A relationship with a father or mother, which had been fraught with problems for many years, is reconciled in later years.  

Some of these changes represent a reconciliation of sorts of a problematic lifelong parent-child relationship.

Deciding Whether or Not to Reconcile With Your Father

This often involves a recognition that time is passing and there might not be a chance in the future. At times, the change can be dramatic.

There's an article in today's New York Times Modern Love section by Heather Sellers, Do Not Adjust Your Screen or Sound - NY Times 6/16/13 that describes this type of reconciliation between a father and a daughter as the father approached the end of his life.

Of course, there's no guarantee that a problematic parent-child relationship will change, but I've seen it happen often enough and in relationships where no one would ever expect it to happen to know that these reconciliations aren't just isolated incidents.

Since this is Father's Day, I'll focus on relationships with fathers, but I've seen these type of changes occur in relationships with mothers as well.

The following fictionalized case, which is a composite of many different cases, is an example of how the adult child-parent relationship can change after many years:

John
John was the youngest of five children.  His father, Jim, left John, John's mother, and four siblings when John was 10 years old.

When Jim loved with the family, his mood was dependent upon his luck at the race track.   When he won, Jim was on top of the world.  He came home in a jolly mood with gifts for everyone.  John loved those times the best.  Jim would take the family out to the amusement park, to dinner, and or on a  weekend get away.

But when he lost at the race track, which happened more often than not, Jim came home irritable and despondent.  During those times, Jim was unapproachable.  He holed up in the den and isolated himself from his family.

As a young child, John loved his father very much, but everyday John felt leery about seeing his father because he never knew what type of mood his father would be in.  He would pray for his father to win so his father would be happy and loving towards John.

But, more times than not, John felt that his prayers went unanswered, and he wondered if he was doing something wrong:  Maybe he wasn't praying enough?  Maybe he wasn't being good enough and God was ignoring him?  This created a lot of anxiety in John as he tried harder by praying more and being extra good.  But nothing changed.

Jim's compulsive gambling often left the family unable to pay the rent, buy food or take care of basic expenses.  Jim also couldn't hold onto a job for more than a few months before he was fired for not showing up.  Instead of going to work, Jim was at the race track betting on horses he thought would be "a sure thing."

When John was nine years old, his mother, Ann, took a job in the local factory to help make ends meet.    This meant that when John and his siblings came home from school, they had to fend for themselves.

John's older sister, Maddie, would start dinner and help John with his homework.  John could detect how much his sister, who was only 14, resented these responsibilities and longed to be out having fun with her friends.

Then, one day, Jim went to the race track and never came back.  John's mother, Ann, called everyone she knew who might know where Jim might have gone.  But no one had heard from him.  She drove around the neighborhood, going to Jim's usual haunts, including the neighborhood bar, but she couldn't find him.

By the next day, Ann filed a police report with the local precinct and she kept calling Jim's friends and families.  But there was no word.

The family was devastated emotionally and financially.  John knew how upset his mother and siblings were, so he kept his feelings to himself.  He didn't want to add to their concerns by showing how upset  he felt.  He just prayed harder and vowed to be the best son that he could be so his father would come back.

Years passed, and no one ever heard from Jim.  His disappearance remained a mystery.  With each passing year, John and his family gradually gave up hope of ever hearing from Jim again.  The family got by on a combination of his mother's meager wages and her family's financial help.

As they got older, each of John's siblings left their home town to take jobs in other cities since their home town offered little in the way of employment.  So, John was the last child at home.

By that time, Ann's father left her enough money to get by and to send John to college.  John wanted to leave his small town and go to college, but he was worried about leaving his mother by herself.  He knew she would be lonely living by herself, but she urged him to leave home and go to college so he would have a better future.

Fast forward 30 years:  Life went on.  John was happily married and living in NYC with his wife, and his daughter and son were away at college.  Ann had died several years before.  From time to time, John thought about his father, especially on Father's Day or on his father's birthday, but he had long ago gave up any hope of seeing his father again.

Then, one day, out of the blue, John received a phone call his older sister, Maddie:  She got a call from their father, who was living in Florida.  At first, she thought it was someone's idea of a heartless prank, but their father assured her that it was him.

When he called her by her childhood nickname, Maddie said, she knew it was him.  He told her that he had pancreatic cancer and he was coming back to NYC to attend treatment at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.  Maddie said she wished him well, but she wanted nothing to do with him.  Then, she hung up on him.

Maddie knew that John missed their father, so she gave him the father's telephone number, in case he wanted to talk to him. She told him that, even though she and the other siblings wanted nothing to do with their father, she knew John might feel differently.

John was so shocked that he felt like he was in a dream.  He didn't know what to say, but he felt, once again, that deep longing that he felt when he was a child to see his father.

Soon after that, John began therapy to process his mixed emotions of shock, sadness, and anger.  In situations like this, there's no right or wrong.  Each adult child has to make his or her own decision, and what's right for one sibling might not be right for another.

After much going back and forth, John called his father.  That first conversation was very awkward.  John hardly knew what to say to his father and he felt like he was going to burst out into tears at any second.  He told his father about his life with his wife and children.  His father listened and seemed to be genuinely happy for John.

When John saw his father for the first time in 30 years, his father was receiving treatment at Sloan Kettering.  He looked much older, but Jim still had the same old smile.  At first, they could barely look into each other's eyes, and there were awkward silences.

Then, Jim broached the topic that was on both of their minds:  He told John that he left the family because he was so ashamed that he gambled away the family's meager savings on a horse.  This was something that Ann had never revealed to John and his siblings, so John was completely unaware of this.

As he listened to his father express his shame and regret, John could only imagine how betrayed his mother must have felt.  But he shifted his thoughts to his father and forced himself to stay present.  He knew that it would be only a matter of time for his father because the cancer was already at an advanced stage.

During the next several weeks, John went to the hospital and processed his feelings afterwards in our therapy sessions.  He felt tremendous grief for all the wasted years.  He also regretted that he never tried to locate his father.

John and his father reconciled their relationship as best as they could in the time that they had left.  John's wife and children also came to the hospital, and Jim told John that he was proud of him, which made John feel both happy and sad.

On the day Jim died, John was holding his hand and talking to him about a particularly happy day when Jim took the family on an outing.

Jim was heavily medicated, so John wasn't sure that Jim could hear him, but he thought his father suddenly look peaceful and calm.  And then he was gone.

John was, understandably, sad after his father died, but he was glad that, at least, they had reconciled their relationship to a certain extent before Jim died.  John continued in therapy to deal with the permanent loss of his father.

Reconciling Your Relationship With Your Father
When you're going through a very difficult time with your father, it's often hard to imagine that you and your father could ever reconcile.  But, as I mentioned earlier, this turn of events occurs in many families.

In order to reconcile, it has to be acceptable to both the adult child and the father.  The adult child also needs to be realistic about what to expect.

Reconciliation and Forgiveness
Reconciliation can occur on many levels.  You and your father might not be able to work out all the earlier problems, but you might be able to work out some form of reconciliation, even if it's not perfect. It might be good enough for you and for him.

Forgiveness is a process that often works from surface to depth.  It often begins with your decision that you want to let go of the painful feelings so you can heal.

Even if you can't reconcile with your father because it's not right for you or for him or he's not around any more, if it's right for you, you can work through your anger and resentment so that it's no longer eating away at you.

Letting Go of Resentment So You Can Heal Emotionally
Letting to of resentment doesn't mean that whatever happened was okay.  It means that you no longer want to harbor the negative feelings which can be so emotionally toxic for you.

Getting Help in Therapy
This is often something that's hard to do on your own, and many people find it helpful to work with a licensed psychotherapist to work through these issues.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to let go of resentment that they've felt for their parents, in some cases, for many years.  

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my articles:

Fathers and Son: Improving Your Relationship With Your Dad

Fathers and Daughters: Daddy's "Little Girl" Is All Grown Up Now

Discovering a Father's Secret Life After His Death

Trying to Understand Your Father

Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Dad Now That You're a Father

Learning to Forgive Yourself

Learning to forgive yourself is often more difficult than forgiving others.  Many people come to therapy because they're unable to forgive themselves and they're plagued by guilt and shame.  Even when they know objectively that there's nothing to be gained by continuing in self blame, they're unable to let go of these feelings--even when the other person (or people) involved have long since forgiven them.

Learning to Forgive Yourself

Is There a Part of You that Needs to Hold Onto Self Blame?

When a psychotherapy client is stuck in this kind of dilemma, usually, there's a part of him or herself that won't let go--that continues in this self defeating dynamic of self blame.  Regular talk therapy, although useful, often doesn't get to the core of the issue.  A person can get stuck in a loop of knowing that he or she needs to let go, but not being able to engage in self forgiveness.  

Clinical hypnosis in combination with "parts work" (also known as ego states therapy) can be very helpful to overcome this problem.   The combination of hypnosis and "parts work" allows the hypnotherapist and client to explore if there is an internal part of the client that feels the need to hold onto this self blaming stance and the reason why it feels this need.

In a relaxed hypnotic state, clients can sense into themselves and access unconscious information that is usually not available in their ordinary state of consciousness.

For instance, a client, who lied to a friend, could feel very ambivalent about forgiving herself for lying.  Even if her friend has forgiven her and she knows logically that it would be best to let it go, a part of herself might feel the need to hold onto the guilt and shame in order to make sure this doesn't happen again.  Once this is revealed in the relaxed hypnotic state, the therapist can work with this part to explore if there are other ways to handle this (other than continuing to feel guilty and engage in self recrimination) that will satisfy this part.

This is just one example, but there can be many reasons why an aspect of oneself can't or won't let go of self blame  Most of the time, these reasons are not in a person's ordinary awareness.   It's often a relief to discover, first of all, that there's an actual a reason why part of the self is having difficulty with self forgiveness.  And, more importantly, that there can be other options that don't involve continuing to blame oneself.

An Inability to Forgive Yourself Can Lead to Anxiety and Depression

All of this is not to say that if someone has engaged in a transgression that he or she shouldn't feel remorse.  It's a sign of health to feel remorse when we've hurt others (or ourselves).  But the kind of problem that I'm discussing is beyond that--it's when a reasonable length of time has passed and a person continues to blame him or herself.

In some cases, people can continue to blame themselves for over 20 years.  This is usually debilitating to one's sense of self and can get in the way of maintaining important relationships.  For some people, their inability of forgive themselves causes them to isolate themselves from loved ones.  It can lead to anxiety or depression.  For some people, it can lead to abusing alcohol or drugs as a maladaptive way to soothe their emotional pain.

Getting Help in Therapy

If an inability to forgive yourself has you feeling stuck, you owe it to yourself to seek professional help from a licensed mental health practitioner, preferably a hypnotherapist who can help you to overcome this problem.  Many people find it so freeing to let go of the self blame that had been weighing them down so they can move on with their lives.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I also provide dynamic talk therapy in a supportive and empathic environment.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

  

When You Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected

Making Amends is an Important Part of Life 
All of the 12 Step programs stress the importance of making amends as part of the recovery process. But there are times when attempting to make amends can do more harm than good to you and others. 

When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected

There are also times when your efforts to make amends might be rejected. A rejection to heartfelt efforts to be forgiven can be very painful.

Often, it takes a lot of soul searching and courage to say, "I'm sorry" to people you have hurt. 

This process of soul searching can take you to the depths of our feelings where you might have avoided going for many years. So, when you humble ourselves and summon the courage to make amends, naturally, you hope to be forgiven.

Making Amends Can Be a Healing Process for Both People, But Not Always

Under favorable circumstances, this can be a healing process for both people. But not always. Sometimes, your process and what might be good for you might not be good for the other person. 

You can't always know what the other person is going through, especially if a lot of time has gone by. Your attempts to make amends might come at a bad time for them. Or accepting your apology might be more than they can deal with at that point in time--or ever. It's not for you to judge.

All We Can Do is Extend the "Olive Branch"

All you can do when you make amends is to extend the "olive branch." And you must do so without expectations, which can be very difficult. 

No matter what you're hoping for by making amends, you must accept the other person's freedom to choose what's best for him or her. 

That means not trying to convince, control or bargain with this other person. To do so would only take away from your effort to make amends. It also devalues the other person's right to determine what's best for him or her.

An Attitude of Acceptance

If your sincere apology is rejected, in order to preserve our own sense of well being,  take an attitude of acceptance, knowing that you've forgiven yourself, or you're on the road to forgiving yourself, regardless of what the other person does. 

Beyond that, you must make a commitment to yourself that you won't offend in this way again.

All of this is part of your healing and recovery. Others might not join us in your journey, and a healthy attitude of acceptance is something to strive for in these circumstances. 

Whether you are part of a recovery community or not, you can benefit from the support of friends, family, and loved ones.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapy

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

What is the Difference Between Forgiving and Forgetting?
Over the years, I've discovered that there seems to be a lot of confusion about the difference between forgiving and forgetting. Naturally, there are times when they go together, especially when we have a minor disagreement with someone and it's not worth it to remember what happened. But what about when there's a major betrayal or trauma? What does it mean under those circumstances to "forget"?

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

As with many circumstances, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. Every situation is different and no one can tell you what's right for you. But are there times when it would be beneficial not to "forget" what happened? Given the confusion that this topic seems to elicit, I think this question is worth exploring.

What Does it Mean to Forgive Someone?
First of all, let's discuss what it means to forgive someone. Forgiveness doesn't always happen all at once. Forgiveness often happens in stages. We must first have the willingness to forgive, even before we actually forgive. From that willingness usually comes the ability to forgive.

Why Forgive?
But why forgive at all? First and foremost, in my opinion, we forgive to let go of toxic feelings that only serve to eat away at us inside. Depending upon the circumstances, it might take a long time to let go of anger and resentment. When the problem involves abuse or other forms of trauma, it's not unusual for it to be a long process. This is normal, and we shouldn't feel ashamed because we or others think it should take less time.

When we forgive, we have a choice of whether we reconcile with the other person or not. This leads to whether or not we should forget and continue to have this person in our lives. Again, there are no hard and fast rules about this, but self preservation, emotional, physical, and spiritual, must come first. If forgetting means that this person continues to abuse or hurt us, then we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to be aware and use good judgment, which means not forgetting the incident(s). It means keeping ourselves safe by not going into denial about what happened and that it's likely to happen again.

Now, I understand that people do change and turn their lives around. Someone who has been abusive could change and stop their abusive behavior. But it's often a long, difficult road, and often this behavior doesn't change. So, you have to evaluate your situation in as an objective way as possible before you decide to forget about the abusive behavior, especially if it's been an ongoing pattern.

Does this mean that this person isn't really sorry at the point when he or she says so? Not at all. There is often genuine remorse. The problem is that remorse alone, while important, isn't enough to change a person's behavior, especially where there are ingrained behaviors.

When Forgetting Means Putting Yourself in Harm's Way
When forgetting means keeping you in harm's way, it's a form of self destructive behavior. To get back to our original question about forgiving and forgetting, under circumstances when abusive behavior (of any kind) is likely to continue, forgiving is definitely different from forgetting. To forget what has been an ongoing pattern would lull us into a false sense of security--to our detriment.

Knowing When to Forget and When Not to Forget
Knowing when to forget as well as forgive can be tricky, especially when it involves people that we love. Our own loving feelings towards this person can cloud our judgment so that we only see what we want to see. Under those circumstances, it's usually better to seek the advice of a trusted and impartial friend or family member.

Striving to Heal and Find Meaning in Life
One thing I'd like to clarify is that by "not forgetting" I don't mean that we strive to keep our emotional wounds open and foremost in our minds. What I DO mean is that, while we don't turn a blind eye to what has happened and what might continue to occur, we strive to heal and find whatever meaning there is to find in our circumstances, and we continue to develop and grow.

Forgiving and forgetting is a complex topic and we've only begun to touch the surface, but I hope I've provided, at least, some food for thought and helped anyone struggling with this issue so he or she doesn't feel guilty about "not forgetting" when to do so would be self destructive.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Asking for Forgiveness: The Power of Making Amends

Making amends is an important process in the addiction and mental health recovery as well as in many religions and in life in general. Recognizing that we have hurt other people, our behavior has had consequences for ourselves and for others, feeling sincere remorse, expressing our remorse, where appropriate, and asking for forgiveness are important parts of that process.

Asking for Forgiveness: The Power of Making Amends

Making amends can seem like a daunting process, especially if our transgressions have been recurrent and longstanding. As we come to terms with what we did, there is often a lot of shame associated with this recognition. As such, part of the process of making amends is to be able to forgive ourselves, which is often harder than asking someone else to forgive us.

When we're contemplating making amends, it's often helpful to work through this process with someone else: a sponsor (if you're in A.A. or one of the other alcohol or addictions 12 Step programs), a psychotherapist, or a trusted mentor or friend. Their support, knowledge and expertise can be invaluable as you struggle to sort out what you did, who you hurt, whether it's the right time to contact the person or persons you've offended, and how to go about making amends.

It's also important to realize that just because you have decided to make amends doesn't mean that the other person is ready to hear from you or to accept your apology. When we're considering making amends, we might enter into vivid memories of what we did in such a powerful way that we feel like we're reliving these old experiences, even though it might be many years later. But just because we might be in that emotional state doesn't mean that the other person is there too.

So, when we're thinking about making amends, it's important to use good judgment about the "who, when, where, why, how and what" involved. And, if you're either early in your recovery or in the early stage of whatever process you might be going through, you might not have developed good enough judgment yet about how to make amends. So, you might not realize that, in some cases, making amends might cause more harm than good, and you want to be mindful of this as you're going through this process.

But assuming that you've given your decision careful thought and you realize that asking for forgiveness is the right thing to do, how do you go about making amends?

Recognizing that every situation is different, the following is one particular scenario. It is representative of many different cases and not related to any one particular person. After I outline this scenario, I'll go over the steps that are often helpful when you're in the process of making amends.

Robert:
Robert was in his early 50s when he admitted to himself that he needed help for his out of control drinking and drug addiction. While he was getting help, he was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Until then, Robert knew that his life was out of control and that he had struggled with alcohol and prescription drug addiction for many years, but he had no idea that he had bipolar disorder.

During his inpatient dual diagnosis rehab, where he was detoxed from alcohol and painkillers and stabilized on drugs for his bipolar disorder, he had a chance to work on many of his addiction-related issues with the rehab counselor and his peers. At that point, Robert began to feel the emotional weight of how much he had hurt his family when he was active in his addiction and unstabilized with his mood disorder.

It helped him tremendously to be in a supportive environment where other people were going through a similar process, and he realized that he was not alone. However, he still felt somewhat overwhelmed when he thought about the pain that he had caused his wife and children.

Using the concept of "one day at a time," Robert was able to acknowledge that he hurt wife and children, as well as hurting himself, but not think too far into the future or too far into the past so that he was not completely overwhelmed with his shame and sense of remorse. He was also able to hang onto the idea that making amends would be a process that he could work out with a sponsor and in his after care treatment with a psychotherapist.

During family day at the rehab, Robert's wife and his two teenage daughters came to attend the educational series and to have sessions with Robert and his counselor. Robert's oldest son, John, who was in his 20s and living on his own, refused to come. John had gone through the worst of Robert's alcohol and drug binges and his rageful manic episodes, and he was unwilling to see or speak to Robert. Although it was very hurtful to Robert, he realized that he had no choice but to accept that his son wasn't ready and might not ever be ready to forgive him, and he could not control his son's feelings or behavior.

During Robert's sessions with his counselor and family, he acknowledged that he had caused his family a great deal of emotional pain, financial loss, and general upheaval in their lives. He also acknowledged that he realized that it might take a long time, if ever, before they trusted him again because he had breached their trust so many times. Robert expressed his sincere remorse, he took responsibility for his actions without making excuses for himself, and asked them to forgive him, if they could. He also told them that he realized that this would be a process and it wouldn't happen over night.

Robert's wife, Kathy, who had been very supportive of Robert during their 30 year marriage, talked to him about how important it was to her for Robert to finally acknowledge that he had a problem and that he hurt her and their children over the years with his addictive behavior and out of control manic episodes of rage, overspending, lost jobs, and the general chaos of their lives. She told him that she had loved him throughout their problems together and she still loved him. She was willing to start the healing process, but she knew that she would need time for her to trust him again. She also acknowledged that she was part of the dynamic and might have contributed to the overall chaos, and she wanted to understand this better by going to Al-Anon. But, overall, she was happy that he was getting help, and she hoped that she could trust that his remorse was genuine and he would continue in his recovery after he got out of the rehab.

Robert's older daughter, Susan, talked about how his dual diagnosis problems had affected her, and how she feared that she might become an alcoholic, a drug addict, or she might be diagnosed with bipolar disorder one day too. She struggled to put words to feelings because this was all new to her, but she told him that she loved him and she wanted him to get better.

Robert's youngest child, Beth, was very anxious. She cried through most of the meeting, and she told Robert that she wanted to understand what was going on with him, but she didn't. She and Susan both agreed that they would go to Al-A-Teen meetings.

After Robert was discharged from the rehab, he began attending A.A. meetings, he obtained a sponsor, and he started seeing a psychiatrist for medication and a psychotherapist for psychotherapy. At times, he felt overwhelmed, but most of the time, he was grateful for the support he was receiving.

Over time, Robert made efforts to reach out to his son through letters because his son refused to take his calls. Writing these letters to his oldest child, acknowledging that he had hurt him, expressing his remorse, and vowing to try to make it up to him, if his son was willing, was one of
hardest things that Robert had ever done in his life. Doing it while he was also new to sobriety and new to the knowledge that he was bipolar was also a challenge for him. There were many days where Robert was tempted to pick up a drink or call his old dealer to get painkillers. During those times, he reached out to his sponsor and his therapist, as well as peers in his support network, to just get through the day.

John acknowledged Robert's letters with his own responses, where he expressed his own anger, sadness, and lack of trust for Robert. John wasn't sure that he wanted to accept his father's apology or that he wanted to forgive him. He was afraid that if he forgave him, Robert would think that "everything was okay" and Robert might disappoint him again. But he agreed, for now, to keep the lines of communication open through these letters and he held out the possibility that he might be willing to talk to Robert in the future.

Robert offered to talk to John, when and if John was ready, about anything that John might want to know about Robert's addiction and mental illness. He was very careful to make this offer not as an excuse for his behavior, but as a way for John to understand the background of these problems. But during the first few months of Robert's recovery, John wasn't interested or ready for any explanations.

In the meantime, Robert continued to work on improving his relationships with his wife and daughters. It was a slow, painful process but, over time, he felt that his relationships with his wife and daughters were getting closer. He also sensed that they were beginning to trust him.

Robert also continued to work on forgiving himself. He knew that he couldn't turn back time to undo all the damage that he had done, and this was a hard concept for him to come to terms with. But he continued to work on his recovery, meet with his sponsor, attend his psychotherapy sessions on a weekly basis, see his psychiatrist and take his medication.

About a year after Robert completed his rehab, he received a call from his son. It was so unexpected that Robert hardly knew what to say. John told him that he still felt a lot of anger and ambivalence towards him, but he also recognized that, underneath his anger and sadness, he still loved his father and he wanted to begin the healing process between them. Robert felt that this was one of the happiest days of his life, and he was very grateful to his son.

The scenario above gives you a glimpse of how complicated the process of making amends can be. As I mentioned earlier, everyone's situation and process will be different, but there are certain steps that can be gleaned from this that might be helpful to you or someone that you know.

Steps Towards Making Amends


Say That You Were Wrong:
For some people, saying, "I was wrong" or "I'm sorry" is one of the hardest things that they can do.

Acknowledging to yourself and to the people that you hurt that you were wrong is a powerful first step. As previously mentioned, you need to use good judgment about this and make sure that if you're contacting someone to apologize, you won't do more harm than good. This isn't always obvious, but one possible example of many might be in a situation where your interjecting yourself back into someone's life might be too hurtful to them and their loved ones. For instance, if you've had an affair with someone who was married and contacting this person might place his or her marriage or family situation in jeopardy, it would probably not be a good idea to contact this person.

In all other cases, it's important that your apology is sincere. Express your remorse for what you did--without making excuses for your behavior. The minute someone senses that you're making excuses for your behavior, he or she will doubt the sincerity of your apology.

Now, making excuses is different from providing them with information about what was happening to you at the time--if they want to know. You can ask them if they want to know, and if they don't, you must respect that and not impose it on them. Above all, your intention should be to say you're sorry.

Say (and mean) that You Won't Do It Again:
For many people, when they hear someone apologize, the first thing that comes to their minds is the question of whether they can trust that person again. They might want to forgive the person who is making amends, but because trust has been broken in the past, they might be afraid to trust again.

When you're new to addiction recovery or to dealing with your mental health diagnosis, you might feel shaky yourself about whether you can live up to your words that you won't do it again. So, it might be necessary for you and the person that you're asking forgiveness of to put certain structures in place to help ensure that it won't happen again.

For example, if one of the things that you're asking forgiveness for is your compulsive gambling and that you spent the family's savings on your gambling addiction, one of the structures that you might put in place with your spouse is that he or she will handle the money. This can be an informal agreement or, if necessary, you might give your spouse power of attorney over the family finances, if this is appropriate. This can provide a feeling of safety for you and your family that even though you're sincere about not wanting to transgress again in this area, the particular structure that you've put in place will also support that effort.

Ask What You Can Do to Try to Make Up for Your Behavior:
Restitution is an important part of making amends. While you and your loved ones cannot go back in time to undo what has already been done, you can find out what your loved ones might want to help make up for the hurt that you have caused.

Even in situations where your loved ones can't bring themselves to forgive you and they are unwilling to allow you to make up for what you did, it can still be important for your own health and well-being to find ways to make restitution in your life.

This could mean that, when you've had enough time in your recovery, that you become a sponsor to people who are new to recovery to share your hope and wisdom, you volunteer your time to helping others, or that you find other ways to try to give back to others, even when you're unable to give back directly to the people that you've hurt.

Recognize that making amends is a process for yourself as well. You don't have to do it perfectly, although reflection and consideration before you start this process is an important step.

Also, recognize that other people don't always understand what it means to forgive. Some people might have the impression that by saying that they forgive you, they're telling you that what you did was all right with them, and they don't want to give you this impression. So, the people that you're asking for forgiveness from might have to go through their own process with this to understand what you mean and what it means for them.

When you first begin to recognize how much you've hurt others, you might only see the very top layer of hurts that go very deep. Over time, you might develop a deeper understanding of the implications of your behavior for yourself and others, and this brings its own challenges.

As previously mentioned, making amends can bring up a lot of feelings of shame and sadness, and I recommend that you find healthy support when you're going through this process.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to go through the process of asking for forgiveness and making amends.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:
When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected

Trying to Decide Whether to Reconcile with Your Parents

There is a common misconception about psychotherapy that it's all about coming to complain about your problems, blaming everything on your parents, and that's where it ends. However, in reality, when you begin psychotherapy, looking at your relationship with your parents, if it's relevant to your problems, is only the beginning of trying to understand the origin of the problems. It's not the end by any means.

Trying to Decide Whether to Reconcile with Your Parents

Emotional Reconciliation with Your Parents

At some point, as an adult, especially if you're in your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, you might face the possibility of reconciling certain aspects of your relationship with your parents. 

Depending upon your particular circumstances, this might be a question of direct reconciliation with one or both of your parents. Under certain circumstances, if they're too impaired physically or emotionally or if they're no longer alive, or if it would be emotionally detrimental to you or to them, it might be a matter of your own internal emotional reconciliation. By this, I mean you own emotional coming to terms with these issues so that you can heal and be at peace with yourself.

Only You Can Decide if Reconciliation is Right For You
I realize that this is not an easy topic for some people, and it often elicits uncomfortable responses, especially for people who are in the throes of a difficult time with their parents. So, it's important to understand that only you can decide what works best for you given your particular history and under your particular circumstances.

As a psychotherapist, I've seen many middle-aged clients who are struggling to come to terms with their relationships with their parents. 

For clients who are in their 40s and older, this might mean that they had difficult relationships with one or both parents when they were younger and now their parents are old and frail and need their help. 

When their parents were younger and independent, there might have been an emotional estrangement between them and their parents. And there can be so many reasons for this estrangement. Maybe their parents were emotionally or physically abusive when they were growing up. Maybe their parents were emotionally neglectful. Maybe there was some other form of betrayal or trauma.

Whatever the reason for the ongoing resentment or estrangement, after many years, you might find yourself facing an emotional dilemma. If your parents are still alive and elderly, one or both of them might need help. 

Maybe you've received a call from your siblings that your parents are not well or that your siblings can no longer take care of your parents on their own and need your help. Or, maybe you're the one who has assumed the brunt of the responsibility for your parents and feel overwhelmed physically and emotionally, especially if you're still harboring resentments towards them and you need help. Or, maybe your parents are dead and you were unable to have any type of reconciliation with them before they died. You might feel that, since they're gone, it's no longer possible to reconcile your feelings. But, when you're ready, there are ways in psychotherapy to work through, reconcile your feelings and let go of longstanding anger, hurt and resentment.

Reconciliation Can Be Healing For You
The important thing to understand is that, in many cases, you're doing this mostly for yourself. If your parents are still alive and healthy enough, and it's possible to have a mutual reconciliation that brings peace to you as well as to them and you can do this without compromising your own or their well-being, so much the better. 

I've heard from so many clients that when they see their parents now as elderly and frail people, it's hard to believe that these were the same parents who were abusive or neglectful. In reality, they might have changed and you might have changed a lot over the years, and maybe you and they are no longer the same people that you once were.

I realize that the emphasis of this post has been focused on dealing with parents who might have been abusive or neglectful. But I also realize that it's not always one way--it's possible that you might feel the need to make amends with your parents for things you might have said or done. This can also be challenging but, if it's possible to do without emotional harm to yourself or to them, can be so freeing.

Reconciliation Might Be Your Own Internal Work
Like any type of working through, forgiving, and letting go, whether you come to terms directly with your parents or you do your own internal emotional work about it without involving your parents, you'd be doing this mostly for your own peace of mind and well being.  For some people, it might do more harm than good to reconnect with one or both parents.  Then, the reconciliation is within yourself.

It might be difficult to imagine, but when you're ready, letting go of the burden of hurt, anger, and toxic resentment can be so freeing.

Getting Help in Therapy
EMDR and clinical hypnosis can be effective tools in dealing with these emotions and, when used by an experienced practitioner, they often work faster and more effectively than regular talk therapy.

About Me
I'm a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR. I've helped many clients find healing and peace with their parental relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

Letting Go of Resentment

Resentments are feelings that we hold onto and replay in our minds, reliving the events, remembering what was said and done to us, experiencing it on a mental, emotional, and physical level. 

When we hold onto resentments, we keep ourselves stuck in the situation that hurt us and emotionally bound to the people who hurt us. 

Letting Go of Resentment

It often prevents us from moving on in our lives. We remain mired in the past, ruminating about whoever hurt us, and possibly thinking of ways to avenge ourselves on them. But when we stay stuck in this way, we're really hurting ourselves.

Here is a fictionalized account, made up of many different stories that I have heard over the years:

Ellen:
Whenever Ellen thinks about how her ex-husband betrayed her by having an affair, she feels the anger rise up in her again. Her face becomes flush, and she feels her blood pressure rise. She remembers every detail of how she picked up the extension phone that day to call a friend and overheard that conversation between her husband and another woman that changed her life forever. She relives the feelings of shock and disbelief and the thoughts that this can't be real--she must be having a bad dream. She relives the confrontation that she had with her husband and how he denied everything at first and then admitted that he had been unhappy in their marriage for a long time and he was so much happier with this other woman.

All the details come flooding back to her of the messy divorce and how lonely it has been since the breakup of her marriage. Waves of sadness overtake her and she alternates between feeling emotionally paralyzed and thinking about how she would like to get back at her ex. To pacify her feelings, Ellen often binges on junk food and she has gained 50 lbs. Her doctor has warned her that she needs to lose weight because the weight gain has resulted in hypertension and she is also pre-diabetic. But Ellen is unable to let go of her sadness and resentment.

Because of her resentment, she blames her ex, she blames all men, she blames herself for marrying her ex, and she blames God. As a result, she is unable to open herself to new relationships. She thinks about her ex and how he hurt her and all the events related to that hurt every day. Her friends and family are tired of hearing about it. They tell her to "move on," but she doesn't know how. Whenever she relives the hurt and anger, it's as if it just happened yesterday. She can hardly believe that this all happened 20 years ago because the pain is still fresh.

Reliving Old Resentments:
It's not unusual for people to come to therapy with old resentments that they have been harboring for many years. The trauma of these events keeps them reliving the old feelings as if the mind is saying, "Maybe if I go over it again, I'll figure it out this time and it won't hurt any more." But replaying old hurts just makes you re-experience the pain and trauma. It doesn't alleviate the pain. Overeating, drinking excessively, abusing drugs, overspending, compulsive sex, compulsive gambling, and other compulsive behavior might make you feel better temporarily, but it's not the solution to dealing with your resentments. These behaviors only make your situation worse in the long run.

How to Let Go of Resentment:
There's no magical solution to letting go of resentments. It's a process. To start, it's important that you make a decision that you want to let go of the hurt and anger. Letting go or forgiving doesn't mean that you forget that it ever happened to you. It doesn't mean that it's okay that it happened, or that you go back to an unhealthy relationship or situation. It means that you want to unburden yourself of these feelings for your own health and well-being. You're doing this for yourself--not for anyone else. When you make the decision that you want to let go of resentments because they're affecting your health, keeping you stuck emotionally, keeping you from being present and really alive in the moment or being able to think about the future, you've taken a very big step.

Depending upon the particular situation and the people involved, this process might be your own internal process or it might mean that you tell whoever hurt you that you forgive him or her. It's not always possible or safe to communicate with the other person: He or she might have died, or going back to that person would be unwise for you or that person, either because it's not safe or it would be too disruptive for one or both of your lives or for many other reasons. The most important thing is that it starts with you and your decision that you no longer want these painful feelings taking up so much time, space, and energy in your mind and in your life.

After you decide to let go, it often happens over time. Depending upon what the resentment is, there are often degrees of letting go. Usually, it doesn't happen all at once. If you feel really stuck, it might help to think about what your life could be like if you were no longer burdened by carrying around these resentments: What might you be doing if you were free of these resentments? How might your life be different? What might you have in your life that you don't have now? What would you be doing with the time and energy that you're spending on these resentments now?

Getting Help in Therapy
Letting go of resentments can be one of the most challenging efforts you make in your life, but it can also be one of the most rewarding. Be compassionate with yourself. You don't need to have all of the answers immediately.

If you find that this is too difficult to do on your own and talking to friends and family has not gotten you to the place where you want to be, you would be wise to consider working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to let go of these old feelings that are keeping you stuck and unhappy.

About Me
I am a NYC licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many clients to let go of old resentments so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.