Are You Acknowledging or Avoiding Your Trauma?

As I mentioned in an earlier article, The Trauma of Everyday Life: The Buddha's Loss of His Mother,     I recently finished reading Mark Epstein's book,  The Trauma of Everyday Life.  One of the themes in his book is that trauma and suffering are a part of everyone's life and there's no way to avoid it.  Dr. Epstein discusses how Buddha came to accept trauma as something that happened to everyone and, rather than try to avoid dealing with it, it's better to deal with the emotions through mindfulness.

Buddha's First Noble Truth:  Life is Suffering

Buddha's First Noble Truth:  Life is Suffering
According to Dr. Epstein, Buddhist philosophy centers around Buddha's Four Noble Truths.  The First Noble Truth is that life is suffering.  According to the First Noble Truth, we can't live life without enduring some type of suffering, whether it's physical, emotional, psychological and, ultimately, death.

It's understandable that no one wants to suffer, and most people are inclined to try to avoid dealing with their unpleasant feelings.  But when we try to completely avoid dealing with suffering, the effect is usually that we prolong it.

We can find all different ways to try to distract ourselves from our suffering, and we have many more ways now than ever before:  the Internet, TV, smart phones, computer games, etc.  But no matter how much we try to avoid emotions related to suffering, the feelings are still there.

Working Through Trauma in Therapy
Many people are afraid to go to therapy because they fear that they won't be able to tolerate dealing with their emotional trauma.

Rather than dealing with trauma in therapy, they keep pushing down their uncomfortable feelings so they don't have to deal with them.  Often, by pushing down these feelings, the feelings actually intensify and get worse.

Aside from distracting themselves, some people try to alter their mood by drinking excessively, using drugs, gambling or engaging in other mood-altering activities.  This only creates more problems for them.

Creating a Safe Place in Therapy to Deal With Trauma
When a psychotherapy client has a good rapport with the therapist and the therapist creates an emotionally safe place, the client is often surprised that the working through of trauma can be less painful than they expected (see my article:  The Creation of the "Holding Environment" in Psychotherapy).

Why is this often the case?

Well, people who have been emotionally traumatized expect that they will feel as badly in the working through process as they did when they experienced the original trauma.  But, often, during the original trauma the client had to deal with the trauma by him or herself.  Even if there were other people around who wanted to help, they might not have known how to help.

Creating a Safe Place in Therapy to Deal With Trauma

Also, if you're working with a therapist who has an expertise in trauma, the therapist usually knows how to titrate the working through process so that it can be worked through in a way that is more manageable for the client.

This doesn't mean that the client won't feel upset.  It means that, with help from an experienced trauma therapist, the client can work through the trauma so that they usually don't experience the same anguish they did during the original trauma.

An experienced trauma therapist can also help the client to separate emotions from the original trauma versus emotions that he or she feels now (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").  This is very important because many people assume that they'll be retraumatized in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
The first step in working through trauma is getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma expert.

Getting Help in Therapy

My experience as a psychotherapist, who has an expertise in working with trauma, is that regular talk therapy doesn't always help people to heal from trauma and a mind-body oriented approach to trauma, like EMDR, Somatic Experience or clinical hypnosis is often more effective.

Emotional trauma can lie dormant for a while before it is triggered by an event in the present.  Then, it's often hard to distinguish between the old trauma and the current event.

If you've been avoiding dealing with your emotional trauma, you probably realize that it's not going away by itself.   So, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can work through the trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Trauma of Everyday Life: The Buddha's Early Loss of His Mother

I just finished reading Dr. Mark Epstein's book, The Trauma of Everyday Life.

Mark Epstein is a psychoanalytically trained psychiatrist in private practice in NYC.  He is also a practicing Buddhist.

Statue of Buddha Under the Bodhi Tree

The theme of The Trauma of Everyday Life is that, "dukkha" or suffering, isn't just something that happens to an unlucky few.  It's a basic part of life.  It affects all of us at some point in our lives, whether it's the death of a loved one, experiencing a shocking event, our own serious health issues or the natural decline of old age and anticipation of death.  No one is exempt from experiencing trauma.

One of the themes of the book is Buddha's early loss of his mother.

Before we discuss this early loss further, it's important to understand how memory works and the difference between implicit and explicit memory.

Implicit vs Explicit Memory and Trauma
Many people mistakenly assume that children have no memories of their experiences before the age of two.  If this were true, then babies wouldn't have any memories of traumatic losses that occurred to them.  They would also have no good memories of being held, cared for and loved.  However, we now know that infants are capable of storing memories from birth, including happy as well as traumatic memories.

To understand how this is possible, we need to know the difference between implicit memory and explicit memory.

Implicit memory is what we use when we walk, dance, throw a ball or engage in similar activities.  So, for instance, when we walk, we don't have to be conscious of taking a step one foot and then the left foot or how to balance ourselves.  We just do it.  Implicit memory is unconscious.

Implicit memory is what we all have before we have verbally based memories, which are explicit memories.  Until about 18 months, implicit memory is the only memory that we have.

"Relational knowing," which includes expressing affection and the ability to form friendships and relationships, is based on implicit memory.

On the other hand, explicit memory is what we normally think of when we talk about memory.  Explicit memory allows for conscious recollection.

Explicit memory is also called "narrative" or "declarative" memory.  It involves conscious thoughts and language that enables us to symbolize and make sense of what's happening to ourselves and the world around us.

We now know that traumatic experiences, including early loss for infants, are held in implicit memory.  These memories exist in the body at an unconscious level.

Early traumatic memories, although not explicitly remembered, are dissociated and remain unprocessed until they are either emotionally triggered or worked on in therapy.

The Buddha's Early Loss of His Mother
According to Mark Epstein, the Buddha lost his mother when he was only seven days old.

Statue of Queen Maya of Sakya, Buddha's Mother, at the Temple of Swayabhuncth

As a psychotherapist, who has a psychoanalytic background, I'm very aware of how this type of traumatic early loss can affect a person as a child and later on as an adult.

The early days of bonding between a mother and an infant are very important for the infant's development as well as the quality of interpersonal relationships that he and she can have later on (see my article:  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships).

Based on stories of his life, after his mother's death, the Buddha was well cared for by his aunt and his father, and every effort was made during his early days to keep him from explicitly knowing about the traumas of everyday life, including sickness and death.

But, according to Mark Epstein, even though Buddha was surrounded by joy and wealth, as well as a caring family, as a young man, Buddha felt that "something was missing."

We don't know if Buddha's feelings of estrangement or alienation stemmed from his confrontation as a young man with the realities of sickness and death or if it stemmed from the early loss of his mother, which would have been an unconscious feeling for him.

But we do know that the Buddha was able to create for himself an inner emotional attunement to process his feelings.  He did this, according to Mark Epstein, through the practice of mindfulness.  Rather than trying to escape his suffering, he acknowledged it, accepted that trauma is a part of everyday life, and he taught himself to balance and contain his suffering through mindfulness.

Working Through Early Trauma in Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy
As a psychotherapist, who specializes in working with trauma, I've worked with many clients who lost their mothers at an early age.  Even though they had no explicit memories of their mothers, they all had an inexplicable sense of loss that was hard for them to define.

Many people who have lost their mothers at an early age feel ashamed of their traumatic feelings.  Since they have no explicit memories of their mothers or of the loss, their implicit feelings feel amorphous and illogical.  And for those who were told by people, who don't know about implicit memories, that they couldn't possibly feel this loss, their shame feels even worse.

For many therapy clients, who have tried to work through early trauma in regular talk therapy, their experience is often that they have an intellectual understanding of their experience, especially once they learn about implicit memory and how they're carrying around the trauma on an unconscious level.

But having an intellectual understanding isn't the same as healing.

Mind-Body oriented psychotherapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing can help clients to access the unconscious experiences so that they can be worked through on an emotional level, and not just on an intellectual level (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious).

Getting Help
Unresolved trauma often takes a toll on the person with the trauma as well as his or her loved ones.  If you are suffering with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help.

When choosing a therapist, make sure that he or she is a licensed mental health practitioner in the state where you live.  I've included links below for directories of therapists who use either EMDR, Somatic Experiencing or clinical hypnosis.

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Directories:
American Society of Clinical Hypnosis directory
EMDR Directory
Somatic Experiencing directory

Here is a short recording from the website, Bookotron.com:   Mark Epstein talks about The Trauma of Everyday Life.

Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die

Anger is a common emotional response, especially when someone close to us says or does something that is hurtful.  

Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die

But anger becomes toxic when we hold onto it and refuse to let it go.  We keep the anger alive by going over and over in our minds whatever grievance we have with a particular person, and this becomes an emotionally and sometimes physically toxic experience.

There is much wisdom in the Buddhist saying, "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Holding onto anger is mostly hurtful to ourselves.  It can sour our outlook on life as well as current and future relationships.

Letting Go of Anger is a Process
Letting go of anger is a process.  It's important to acknowledge the anger rather than sweeping it under the rug.  But, beyond this initial stage, it's important to work through the anger so that it doesn't  ruin our emotional well being and our relationships.

Sometimes people hold onto anger because they're afraid to deal with their underlying hurt feelings.  Feeling angry, as opposed to feeling hurt, gives the illusion of feeling empowered.  But, in many ways, holding onto anger is disempowering.  It takes a lot of energy to keep churning anger, and it takes away from other positive areas in our lives.

Letting Go of Anger and Forgiving Isn't the Same as Forgetting
Whether or not you forgive the person who offended you is up to you.  As I've said many times in other blog articles, forgiveness doesn't mean that you're saying whatever happened was all right.  It means that you've made a decision to let go of the hurt and anger you feel when you're ready to do so.   It also means you're ready to move on, whether you decide to keep this person in your life or not.

When you forgive someone, it doesn't mean that you necessarily forget what happened, especially if whatever caused you to feel hurt or angry is part of an ongoing pattern with this person.  It also doesn't mean that you remain in an unhealthy relationship.  But remembering and keeping yourself out of harm's way doesn't mean you have to hold onto the negative emotions.

When holding onto anger becomes habitual, it can make you feel bitter about your life.  Collecting grievances and holding onto them puts an emotional barrier between you and others.  For many people, this is a way to shield themselves from getting hurt again.  But using this defense mechanism comes at a big emotional and sometimes physical cost.

If you find yourself holding onto anger, you can ask yourself the following questions:

• What purpose does it serve to hold onto this anger?
• How is holding onto this anger affecting you on an emotional, physical and spiritual level?
• How is holding onto this anger affecting the important relationships in your life?
• Are you less available to others because of the anger that you're holding onto?
• How is holding onto anger affecting your outlook on life and your future?
• How is holding onto anger keeping you from being more present in your life?
• How else is holding onto anger keeping you stuck?

Letting Go of Anger
Making a decision to let go of anger is usually the first step in the letting go process.  If your anger is related to a particularly big betrayal, you can usually expect that the letting go process will take some time.

The important thing to remember is that when you let go of anger, you're doing it mostly for yourself--not necessarily the person that you're angry with.  You're making a conscious decision to move on emotionally so that you're no longer stuck in this negative state.

How to Let Go of Anger

Journal Writing
Many people find it especially helpful to keep a private journal and write down their feelings.  By putting your feelings down on paper, you're getting them out of your head and into the light of day.

Writing down your feelings often helps you to understand.  You could have important insights about yourself as well as the other person.

Talking It Out With a Trusted Loved One
It's important to have a strong emotional support system.  By talking it out with a trusted friend or family member, you might get a different perspective.  It also helps to relieve the stress of pent up anger by talking it out.

Seeking Professional Help From a Licensed Therapist
Depending upon what you're angry about, talking to a friend or family member might not be enough, especially if you're dealing with a particularly difficult act of betrayal by someone close to you.  In those instances, it's often helpful to seek the help of a licensed psychotherapist who is impartial and who has expertise in helping clients to let go of anger and resentment.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you know that letting go of anger has been difficult for you and it has had serious repercussions for you as well as your loved ones, rather than continuing to do what hasn't worked for you all along, you  could benefit from getting professional help so that you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to let go of the anger and hurt that keep them stuck in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming Aware of What We Offer in Our Interactions with Others

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."
Buddha

Someone shared this aphorism with me this morning. It's attributed to Buddha, even though I'm not a Buddhist, I've been thinking about its meaning throughout the day in terms of my everyday interactions with friends, family, and clients.

Living and working in NYC, in any given day, I interact with many people of diverse ethnic backgrounds, ages, races, cultures, traditions, and economic backgrounds. It seems to me that what most of us have in common is that we want to lead happy, peaceful, and meaningful lives, no matter who we are, where we come from or what our hopes and dreams are for the future. So, it's worthwhile, from time to time, to consider what we offer others in our daily interactions.

Are we mindful of the effect that we have on others?

Do we offer encouragement or discouragement?

Do we offer compassion or indifference?

In one of my prior articles, I discussed the idea of emotional saboteurs primarily from the perspective of the person who might find themselves faced with someone who, however unwittingly, might sabotage their endeavors. But it occurs to me that, if we are not mindful about it, anyone of us could be on the other end of this dynamic--being the one who might be emotionally sabotaging others. It could happen so easily without our even realizing it.

Even in our most simple daily interactions, there's often room for compassion and kindness to others, even when we might not be able to see it at first.

Mindfulness in Your Everyday Interactions with Others
I'm reminded of a brief interaction that I had several months ago with a cashier at the organic store where I usually get my dinner before I see clients in my psychotherapy private practice.
Usually, I'm in a hurry to buy the food and go back to my office for a short dinner break before my first evening client arrives. There is a particular cashier in this store who is usually cheerful and pleasant. But she looked worried, sad and distracted that day.

I was really struck by this because it seemed so unusual for her, and I usually looked forward to seeing her and exchanging pleasantries with her. But on this day, I could tell that there was something very wrong. Not wanting to intrude, I asked her how her day was going, opening up the possibility for her to talk about whatever might be going on, if she wanted to.

She seemed relieved to be able to tell someone what she was worried about, and she began to tell me about how worried she was about a medical bill that she received in error that her insurance company refused to cover. Without getting into the details of this woman's problem, after she told me about it, I realized that she was getting the runaround from the insurance company as well as the hospital. And it seemed that she was being taken advantage of because she's not from this country originally. Her bill was in the thousands of dollars and she had no idea how she would ever pay for it on her cashier's salary.

Since I'm a clinical social worker, as well as a psychotherapist, and I've helped many people with this type of problem over the years in the past, I was able to give her information about who to call and what she could do to advocate for herself. For me, it was a small gesture that took almost no time or effort on my part. But for her, it was very valuable information because she said that no one, including the social workers at the hospital, who should have been able to help her, was being helpful. Knowing that she had rights as a patient and knowing that there was something that she could do, changed her whole demeanor. She looked like her usual cheerful self again and she was very grateful.

When I went into the store the next time, she went out of her way to greet me and tell me that she was able to resolve her problem using the information that I gave her, and the hospital and the insurance company straightened out the mistake so everyone involved agreed that she was not responsible for the hospital bill. Ever since that time, she has been even more pleasant and friendly whenever I've seen her. And she was able to tell me that, once she resolved that problem, it had a positive ripple effect on her family, who had also been worried about the bill.

This is a simple example. It's not meant to brag about my good deed or to say how wonderful I think I am, but to show that any one of us , each in our own way, can have a positive effect on someone else's life without having to make very much of an effort, if we are mindful of the opportuniites when they come along. And that positive effect that we have on one person can ripple through to others.

On another day, if I had been distracted or too much in a hurry or if I had decided not to ask this woman how she was, there might have been a very different outcome for her and her family. And for me too--because afterwards I realized that it often takes so little in our interactions with others to have a positive effect.

We Can Affect Positive Change through Mindful Interactions with Others
And, most of the time, just like the candle in the aphorism at the beginning of this article, whether we are sharing our happiness, inspiration, or information, our efforts do not take anything away from us. If anything, these interactions with others allow us to see that, in a world where we often feel that we are powerless to affect change, we can often affect positive change in the lives of others, one person at a time.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.