How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

In her book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations For a Lifetime of Love, marriage and family therapist, Sue Johnson, discusses, among other things, how attachment styles impact relationships and how to overcome relational dynamics that might be ruining your relationship (see my article: Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart).

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

Before going much further, I think it would be useful to define the term "attachment styles."

What Are Attachment Styles?
Your attachment style is how you relate to people.

Your attachment style is developed during infancy and it is formed based on your relationship with your primary caregivers (usually your parents).

The four attachment styles for adults are:

• secure
• insecure - anxious-preoccupied
• insecure - dismissive-avoidant
• insecure - fearful-avoidant

Based on the names of the categories above, it's obvious that the healthiest attachment style is the secure attachment style.

Although much has been written about attachment theory, I'm focusing more on the practical aspects of understanding attachment styles in relationships rather than the theory, so this is a basic explanation of attachment styles.

Even though people develop their attachment style early in life, it is possible to change how you relate.

How Do Attachment Styles Affect Relationships?
When two people come together in a relationship, they interact with each other based on their attachment style.

Although this might not be evident at first, once the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate, each person will interact with the other based on the attachment style they developed at an early age (this assumes that neither person has been to therapy and has not made any changes).

Most people have little to no awareness of their particular attachment style. 

The best way for me to demonstrate attachment styles in a relationship is through a fictionalized vignette:

Fictional Vignette:  How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship:

Mary and Joe
Mary and Joe, who were both in their early 30s, were dating exclusively for a year.

During the early part of their relationship, they got along well and decided to be monogamous to see if their relationship would develop.

After six months, Mary suggested that they talk about where their relationship was going (see my article:  Dating: Is It Time to Have the Talk?).

Although she didn't want to rush things between them, she knew she wanted to get married eventually and have children, and she was increasingly conscious of her age and that her "biological clock was ticking." All of this made her feel anxious.

Joe was open to having this talk.  He had also been thinking about talking about their relationship, but he probably would have waited a few more months.

At first, it was awkward for each of them to begin this discussion.  So, Mary began by saying that she loved Joe, she was happy in their relationship and she could see them getting married and having children together.  Then, she waited anxiously for Joe to respond.

Joe listened to Mary, and he responded that he loved her very much and he could also see them getting married and having a family "eventually," but he wasn't ready to make that commitment at this point.

When Mary asked him when he thought he would be able to make this commitment, Joe thought about it and then told Mary that he didn't know.  Even though he felt their relationship was heading in the direction of getting married and having a family, it just didn't feel right to him at the moment to make that commitment.

Mary was disappointed to hear Joe say this.  She had hoped that he would, at least, tell her that he wanted to set a date for them to get engaged.

When she told Joe this, he said he would be open to their living together and seeing how things worked out.  And, then, if things worked out for them, he would feel comfortable talking about getting engaged.

On one level, this made sense to Mary but, on another level, she also had a nagging doubt that if she and Joe moved in together that he would never ask her to get married.  She was aware that she felt this way based on how her mother talked about couples who lived together (her mother would say, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?").

Over the next few weeks, they talked about this impasse several times, and Mary tried as best as she could to put aside her doubts.  They decided that even though they both had their own apartments, it would be better to find another place together that was neither hers nor his.

Two months later, they found an apartment that they both liked, and they moved in together.

Mary had hoped that when they moved in together, they would spend most of their free time together.    But Joe wanted to continue to go out with his friends a few nights a week and even sometimes on weekends, which left little time for Joe and Mary to spend together.  Mary realized that they were seeing each other less than before they lived together.

When Mary complained that they weren't spending as much time together as she would like, Joe dismissed her feelings as out of hand.  He told her that he felt they spent plenty of time together and he wasn't willing to give up his nights out with the guys (see my article: New Relationships: Time Together vs Time Apart).

As time went on, Mary felt increasingly upset and anxious about Joe's time away from her.  She felt that it meant he didn't care about her.  Her reasoning was: If Joe cared about me, he would want to spend as much time as possible with me (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

At the same time, Joe felt increasingly annoyed with what he perceived as Mary's demands on his time.  He couldn't understand why she was "making such a big deal" out of the time he spent with his friends.  He assured her that he wasn't seeing other women. What more could she want?

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

The more Joe dismissed Mary's feelings, the more insecure and unlovable she felt.  She also blamed herself for going against her feelings that she shouldn't move in with Joe unless he made more of a commitment.  She saw Joe's dismissive comments about her feelings as proof that she made a mistake.

One Friday night when Joe came home from playing pool with his friends, he was shocked to discover that Mary had packed her bags and she was ready to go home to her family.

Mary was sitting on the couch in tears, "I'm not happy.  It must be my fault that you don't care about me, but I don't know how to fix it.  I think it's better if I leave."

When Joe got over the initial shock of seeing Mary with her bags packed, he sat next to her on the couch and told her not to be so hasty.  He suggested that they talk before she moved out, which she agreed to do.

Then, Joe explained that he likes his independence.  He said he didn't want to feel hemmed in by their relationship.  He still wanted to have friends and spend time with them.  He thought part of the problem was that Mary didn't spend more time with her friends and because of this, she was too emotionally dependent upon him.

Mary disagreed with Joe.  She told him that, as far as she was concerned, he was her primary relationship and more important than her friends, but it was clear to her that he didn't feel this way.

Joe thought that Mary was being too "clingy," but he didn't want to tell her this because he knew that she was feeling bad enough already.  He wondered to himself if he even wanted to be in relationship.  He never felt a real need for a relationship.  He preferred to be independent and on his own, but he also didn't want to be lonely, and when he met Mary, he fell in love with her.

Joe and Mary didn't resolve anything that night, but they agreed to continue to talk about it, so Mary unpacked and she stayed.

After a few days, when Mary felt her anxiety escalating again, she told Joe that she thought they could benefit from going to couples counseling.  Joe groaned inwardly when he heard Mary say this.  He didn't think they needed couples counseling, but he could see that she was very anxious and he didn't want to lose her, so he agreed to go.

After a few sessions of couples counseling, their couples counselor talked to them about attachment styles.  She said her impression was that Mary had an anxious-preoccupied attachment style and Joe had a dismissive-avoidant style.  She also told them that it was not unusual for people with these attachment styles to be attracted to each other.

Their therapist helped them to recognize their attachment styles and how it was impacting their relationship.  She also helped them to begin to make changes.

Since attachment styles are ingrained, it was not easy or quick work in couples counseling, but Joe and Mary made progress.

Mary learned to deal with her insecurities in the relationship, and Joe learned that his dismissive manner was a defense mechanism that kept him from getting closer to Mary.  He also learned that what he saw as "independence" was part of the defense mechanism.  Each of them learned to communicate about what they needed from the other.

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

Joe recognized that he was spending much of his free time with his friends to avoid getting too close to Mary.  He saw that, even though he loved her, he was also afraid of getting hurt.  So, he agreed to spend only one night with his friends and spend the rest of his free time with Mary.  This increased their emotional intimacy and made him feel more vulnerable, but he was able to talk about this in the couples counseling.

Mary recognized that part of her unconscious attraction to Joe was that he was avoidant.  His avoidance seemed to confirm how she felt about herself--that she was unlovable.  So, Mary dealt with her longstanding feelings of being an unlovable person and with their new level of emotional intimacy.

As they continued to work on these issues in couples counseling, which was challenging, they were both happier in their relationship.

Conclusion
Most people have little to no knowledge of their attachment styles or that they are relating in a particular way with other people.

As mentioned earlier, attachment styles develop at an early age based on the relationship that infants have with their primary caregivers.

While no relationship is perfect, when both people have a secure attachment style, generally, they tend not to have the kind of problems that people with insecure attachment have.

Although attachment styles are ingrained from an early age, people can change how they relate if they attend individual therapy or couples counseling with a knowledgeable psychotherapist.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're having problems in a romantic relationship or in your relationships with other people, it could be related attachment styles.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand your attachment style, how it developed and how you can change how you relate to others (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Although changing how you relate to others can be challenging, you will be happier with yourself and others if you learn to relate in a healthier way.

Rather than continuing to do what doesn't work for you, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is knowledgeable about attachment styles.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me. 

The Trauma of Everyday Life: The Buddha's Early Loss of His Mother

I just finished reading Dr. Mark Epstein's book, The Trauma of Everyday Life.

Mark Epstein is a psychoanalytically trained psychiatrist in private practice in NYC.  He is also a practicing Buddhist.

Statue of Buddha Under the Bodhi Tree

The theme of The Trauma of Everyday Life is that, "dukkha" or suffering, isn't just something that happens to an unlucky few.  It's a basic part of life.  It affects all of us at some point in our lives, whether it's the death of a loved one, experiencing a shocking event, our own serious health issues or the natural decline of old age and anticipation of death.  No one is exempt from experiencing trauma.

One of the themes of the book is Buddha's early loss of his mother.

Before we discuss this early loss further, it's important to understand how memory works and the difference between implicit and explicit memory.

Implicit vs Explicit Memory and Trauma
Many people mistakenly assume that children have no memories of their experiences before the age of two.  If this were true, then babies wouldn't have any memories of traumatic losses that occurred to them.  They would also have no good memories of being held, cared for and loved.  However, we now know that infants are capable of storing memories from birth, including happy as well as traumatic memories.

To understand how this is possible, we need to know the difference between implicit memory and explicit memory.

Implicit memory is what we use when we walk, dance, throw a ball or engage in similar activities.  So, for instance, when we walk, we don't have to be conscious of taking a step one foot and then the left foot or how to balance ourselves.  We just do it.  Implicit memory is unconscious.

Implicit memory is what we all have before we have verbally based memories, which are explicit memories.  Until about 18 months, implicit memory is the only memory that we have.

"Relational knowing," which includes expressing affection and the ability to form friendships and relationships, is based on implicit memory.

On the other hand, explicit memory is what we normally think of when we talk about memory.  Explicit memory allows for conscious recollection.

Explicit memory is also called "narrative" or "declarative" memory.  It involves conscious thoughts and language that enables us to symbolize and make sense of what's happening to ourselves and the world around us.

We now know that traumatic experiences, including early loss for infants, are held in implicit memory.  These memories exist in the body at an unconscious level.

Early traumatic memories, although not explicitly remembered, are dissociated and remain unprocessed until they are either emotionally triggered or worked on in therapy.

The Buddha's Early Loss of His Mother
According to Mark Epstein, the Buddha lost his mother when he was only seven days old.

Statue of Queen Maya of Sakya, Buddha's Mother, at the Temple of Swayabhuncth

As a psychotherapist, who has a psychoanalytic background, I'm very aware of how this type of traumatic early loss can affect a person as a child and later on as an adult.

The early days of bonding between a mother and an infant are very important for the infant's development as well as the quality of interpersonal relationships that he and she can have later on (see my article:  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships).

Based on stories of his life, after his mother's death, the Buddha was well cared for by his aunt and his father, and every effort was made during his early days to keep him from explicitly knowing about the traumas of everyday life, including sickness and death.

But, according to Mark Epstein, even though Buddha was surrounded by joy and wealth, as well as a caring family, as a young man, Buddha felt that "something was missing."

We don't know if Buddha's feelings of estrangement or alienation stemmed from his confrontation as a young man with the realities of sickness and death or if it stemmed from the early loss of his mother, which would have been an unconscious feeling for him.

But we do know that the Buddha was able to create for himself an inner emotional attunement to process his feelings.  He did this, according to Mark Epstein, through the practice of mindfulness.  Rather than trying to escape his suffering, he acknowledged it, accepted that trauma is a part of everyday life, and he taught himself to balance and contain his suffering through mindfulness.

Working Through Early Trauma in Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy
As a psychotherapist, who specializes in working with trauma, I've worked with many clients who lost their mothers at an early age.  Even though they had no explicit memories of their mothers, they all had an inexplicable sense of loss that was hard for them to define.

Many people who have lost their mothers at an early age feel ashamed of their traumatic feelings.  Since they have no explicit memories of their mothers or of the loss, their implicit feelings feel amorphous and illogical.  And for those who were told by people, who don't know about implicit memories, that they couldn't possibly feel this loss, their shame feels even worse.

For many therapy clients, who have tried to work through early trauma in regular talk therapy, their experience is often that they have an intellectual understanding of their experience, especially once they learn about implicit memory and how they're carrying around the trauma on an unconscious level.

But having an intellectual understanding isn't the same as healing.

Mind-Body oriented psychotherapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing can help clients to access the unconscious experiences so that they can be worked through on an emotional level, and not just on an intellectual level (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious).

Getting Help
Unresolved trauma often takes a toll on the person with the trauma as well as his or her loved ones.  If you are suffering with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help.

When choosing a therapist, make sure that he or she is a licensed mental health practitioner in the state where you live.  I've included links below for directories of therapists who use either EMDR, Somatic Experiencing or clinical hypnosis.

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Directories:
American Society of Clinical Hypnosis directory
EMDR Directory
Somatic Experiencing directory

Here is a short recording from the website, Bookotron.com:   Mark Epstein talks about The Trauma of Everyday Life.

Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment on Adult Relationships

This is the fourth article in a series of blog articles about how the early attachment bond affects adult relationships.  The prior blog articles were:

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships: Part 1

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships: Part 2 - Insecure Attachment Styles

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships: Part 3 - What Causes Insecure Attachment?

Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment Bonds

Understanding the Impact of the Early Attachment Bond
As I've discussed in prior articles, when there is a secure attachment bond between the mother and infant, both mother and child are attuned to each other.  Even though the infant can't speak, the infant picks up on nonverbal cues, including the mother's gaze (see picture below).   Infants are hard wired to bond with their primary caregivers.


When there is an insecure attachment, which usually occurs on a spectrum from difficult to traumatic,   the impact on the child will be significant.  Depending upon how out of attunement the mother is with the child, the child can grow up having difficulties forming close relationships.

Unfortunately, even when these adults come to therapy, if they see therapists who have little or no knowledge about the impact of the bonding process between mothers and children, the attachment issue can be overlooked.

Let's take a look at a hypothetical example.  As always, this is a fictionalized illustration that is made up of a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed:

Ted
Ted's mother, Mary, was 17 years old when she gave birth to Ted.  She was still in high school, and she wasn't ready to raise an infant.  Mary's parents were unwilling to help her, and Ted's father wanted nothing to do with the baby.  So, when Ted was two months months old, Mary brought him to live with her maternal grandmother, who lived out of state.  While Ted was away, Mary hoped to graduate from high school and find a job so she could support herself and Ted.

Ted's grandmother, Nina, was in her late 70s, and she suffered with arthritis.  She agreed to take Ted in because she didn't want Ted to end up in foster care and there was no one else in the family who could take care of him.

Nina was able to take care of Ted's basic physical needs in terms of food, shelter, and other basic necessities.  But she was too tired and in too much physical pain to spend time creating an emotional bond with him.

So, Ted remained in his crib most of the time.  Nina believed that if a baby cried, the primary caregiver should allow the baby to cry himself to sleep.  She believed that if she picked him up, she would spoil him.  She had never learned that babies need love and attention when they're in distress, so she had no idea how detrimental her lack of attention would be for Ted.

Ted would spend a lot of time crying in his crib and trying to get his great grandmother's attention.  After a while, he became exhausted and he would withdraw and fall asleep.

By the time Ted was one years old, Mary missed her son so much that she decided she wanted him back.  She quit school in her senior year, got a job, and she and three other friends rented an apartment together.  Then, against the advice of her family, she brought Ted back to live with her and her roommates.  It was crowded, but Mary was happy to have her son home, and she and her roommates took turns taking care of Ted.

Initially, Ted, who was accustomed to being around Nina, was frightened of being around Mary and her roommates.  Even though Nina wasn't nurturing towards him, he knew Nina and he didn't know Mary.  Mary and her roommates were strangers to him.  During the first few weeks, he crawled around Mary's apartment looking for Nina and crying when he couldn't find her.

Mary was very disappointed that Ted was frightened of her.  She had been missing him so much, and all she could think of was holding him in her arms and kissing him.  But he tended to shy away from her.  It took a while before he warmed up to her and allowed her to be loving towards him.

A few months later, two of Mary's roommates decided to move out.  Mary and her remaining roommate couldn't afford to pay the rent on the apartment.  Mary's parents refused to take her and her son in, so Mary felt she had no choice but to bring Ted back to Nina's home, and she rented a room for herself.

This back and forth pattern between Nina and Mary went on throughout most of Ted's childhood.  Ted grew up to be a shy, withdrawn child.  He had difficulty making friends, and he tended to keep to himself as a child, a teenager and a young man in his early 20s.

Ted managed to just get by in high school, and he obtained a full time job after graduation working in a department store.

By that time, Mary was in a better financial position and Ted lived with her.  She continued to try to develop a better relationship with Ted, but Ted never thought of her as his mother, even though he knew, of course, that she was his biological mother.

In his early 20s, Ted wanted very much to have a girlfriend, but he was dreaded the thought of allowing anyone to get close to him.  The result was that even though he was very lonely, he couldn't bring himself to attempt to meet women his age.

After much consideration, Ted began therapy to try to understand why he was having such difficulty trying to meet women.  His first therapist recognized that Ted was depressed, but she didn't understand how he was affected by the upheaval of moving between his mother and great grandmother as a child and how this affected his ability to form close relationships.  She referred him to a psychiatrist for anti-depressant medication, which helped somewhat.  But Ted still felt lonely and empty inside.

After a year in therapy, his therapist conceded that she wasn't able to help him, and she referred him to a more experienced therapist who happened to be knowledgeable about attachment theory.

Ted's new therapist could see that he was depressed, but after she heard his childhood history, she also understood that a major part of his problem involved early attachment issues.

His new therapist helped Ted to understand why he was so afraid of forming close relationships, even  though he was very lonely and craved a loving, nurturing relationship.  Gradually, she helped Ted to manage his fear while he took small, manageable steps to meet women.  She also helped him to work through the early trauma that caused him to feel a combination of dread and longing.

Over time, Ted was able to work through the early trauma and begin to form a close relationship with a woman he initially met online.  Things were bumpy at first because Ted was still frightened of getting close to his new girlfriend.  At times, he would pull away from her when he felt overwhelmed by fear.  But, gradually, he learned to trust her and he continued to do trauma work in therapy, he allowed himself to open up more to her.

Getting Help
If you think you might have problems with relationships due to early attachment issues, it's possible to work through these issues in therapy with a therapist who know is knowledgeable about early attachment issues, trauma, and this affects your ability to have close relationships.

Rather than continuing to struggle emotionally, you owe it to yourself to get the help you need so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Contributes to an Insecure Attachment Style?

I've written two prior blog articles about the early attachment bond and how it affects adult relationships:  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships - Part 1 and How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships: Part 2 - Insecure Attachment Styles.  

Insecure Attachment Style

In this blog article, I would like to address what causes the primary caregiver, usually the mother, to have an insecure attachment style.

In my prior blog articles about attachment styles, I've discussed how important it is for the mother to be attuned to the infant.  When there is a lack of attunement due to an insecure attachment style, the child often grows up to have problems in his or her adult relationships.

As you might expect, mothers who have insecure attachment styles with their children (as described in my prior blog post) often grew up with mothers who also had insecure attachment styles, including avoidant, ambivalent, disorganized and reactive attachment styles.

Here are some of the major causes of an insecure attachment style:

• physical, emotional or sexual abuse
• physical and/or emotional neglect
• separation from a primary caregiver (illness, foster care, adoption, death, divorce)
• inconsistent caregiving
• frequent upheaval (moves or other major changes that create chaos)
• maternal depression
• maternal addiction to alcohol or drugs
• young or inexperienced mothers
• other traumatic experiences

This list is by no means exhaustive, but these are some of the major causes.

Often, these situations can occur through no fault of the mother.  For instance, a mother might become physically sick or depressed and might require inpatient treatment, which necessitates that she is away from her infant for a substantial amount of time.

Another example, which is common, is a circumstance where a mother cannot afford to raise the infant or her life isn't stable enough to raise a baby, so she might send her child to live with relatives.  Since she is concerned about the baby's physical well being, she might have no choice but to send her child away. 

However, in doing so, there would be a disruption in the bonding process between mother and child that is usually detrimental.

Children Can Have Emotionally Reparative Experiences That Help to Mitigate the Early Bonding Disruption
Despite this, many children have emotionally reparative experiences with loving relatives, even if they are separated from their mother.  Depending upon the child, these loving, nurturing experiences can help to mitigate the disruption in the mother-child bond.

In my next blog article, I will discuss why it's important to be aware of the significant impact of the early mother-child attachment bond.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me:  josephineolivia@aol.com

Early Attachment Bond and Insecure Attachment Styles

In my prior blog article,  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships - Part 1, I introduced the attachment theory and the concept that early bonding attachment is very important in terms of its affect on adult relationships.   In this blog article, I will introduce the various attachment styles that mothers (or caregivers) can have, and describe the affect it has when children grow up on their relationships.

While there are no absolutes and there are certainly exceptions, according to attachment theory, the mother's attachment style, in terms of how she relates to her child, is one of the most important factors with regard to how the child will form relationships eventually when the child grows up.

Secure Attachment Style
As I mentioned in my prior article, when early bonding goes well, it bodes well for future adult relationships.  When the infant's mother is attuned to the baby's emotional needs, it is much more likely that when this infant grows up, s/he will be able to have healthy and meaningful adult relationships.  The optimal style of attachment in these cases is called a secure attachment.  As I mentioned before, the mother doesn't need to be "perfect."  She just needs to be good enough.

Early Attachment Bonds and Attachment Styles

When the Mother/Primary Caregiver Has Problems Forming a Bond With the Infant
Unfortunately, not all mothers can provide the optimal style of attachment to their infants.  In addition to the secure attachment style, there are four other categories, which are generally categorized as insecure attachment styles, in addition to the secure attachment style:

Insecure Attachment Styles

• Avoidant Attachment Style
• Ambivalent Attachment Style
• Disorganized Attachment Style
• Reactive Attachment Style

These attachment styles will be described here as if they are discrete styles to simplify these discussions.  However, keep in mind that it's really not that simple and that there can be variations or combinations of styles.

Let's take a look at the four insecure attachment styles.

Avoidant Attachment Style
Generally speaking, as the name implies the mother who has an avoidant attachment style tends to be unavailable or rejecting of the infant, which will often result in the child growing up to be an adult who avoids closeness.  Often, this person grows up to be an adult who is emotionally distant, critical, rigid and intolerant.

Ambivalent Attachment Style
The mother who has an ambivalent attachment style tends to be inconsistent with the infant.  Sometimes, this mother can be intrusive.  The adult who was raised by a mother with an ambivalent attachment style is often anxious and insecure.  He or she might be controlling, critical and erratic.

Disorganized Attachment Style
The mother who has a disorganized attachment style tends to ignore the child's needs.  Often, the mother doesn't understand or even see what the child's needs are.  The mother's behavior can be frightening and traumatizing at times.  The adult who was raised with a mother who had a disorganized attachment style often grows up be chaotic and insensitive.  S/he can be explosive, abusive and mistrustful of others.

Reactive Attachment Style
The mother who has a reactive attachment style is very detached or unable to function with the child. The adult who grew up with a mother who had a reactive attachment style often has a great deal of difficulty forming positive relationships.

In a future blog post, I'll describe the causes of insecure attachment.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How the Early Attachment Bond Can Affect Your Adult Relationships: Part 1

Most infants are born with the ability to bond with their primary caregivers, usually their mothers. Your early experience of bonding with your mother shapes how you will relate in your future relationships as an adult.  I discussed the importance of early bonding in a prior blog article: Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding.

The Mother-Infant Bond

The infant's relationship with his or her mother is the first emotional relationship.  

Under optimal circumstances, if the mother provides the infant with a loving, secure emotional environment, the infant becomes "securely attached" to the mother, and this becomes the basis for future relationships as an adult.  (From here on, it's understood that when I say "mother," I'm referring to the child's primary caregiver.)

How Early Attachment Bonds Can Affect Adult Relationships

The British psychiatrist John Bowlby and the American psychologist Mary Ainsworfth developed the attachment bond theory.  The attachment bond theory indicates that the relationship between an infants and mothers is responsible for:

• influencing all future relationships
• developing the ability to be aware of our own feelings as well as empathizing with other people's feelings
• developing the ability to be resilient in the face of adversity

An early secure attachment bond allows an adult to:

• manage stress
• develop meaningful relationships with other people
• feel safe
• develop a sense of optimism
• develop the ability to be flexible
• feel secure

Mothers don't need to be "perfect" for infants to form secure emotional attachments.  They just need to be good enough.

In future blog articles, I'll go into more details about how the early attachment bond affects adult relationships, and how different parental styles with infants can result in different adult characteristics.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or send me email.

See my articles:  

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 2: Insecure Attachment

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 3: What Causes Insecure Attachment?

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 4: Understanding the Impact

An Emotional Dilemma in a Relationship: Wanting and Dreading Love

Many people, who have experienced childhood trauma, come to therapy because they feel stuck and confused when it comes to romantic relationships.  They often feel highly ambivalent about the possibility of having an intimate connection to another person.  

An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love

On the one hand, they might be very lonely and long for someone who would love them and that they could love.  On the other hand, they might also feel extremely frightened of allowing themselves to be that emotionally vulnerable.  And therein lies the dilemma.

Early Attachment Problems Can Cause Problems in Relationships Later On
Usually, people who go back and forth between wanting and dreading a deep emotional connection experienced emotional attachment problems with one or both parents or caregivers.  Based on infant research, we now know how important early attachment is to having a healthy emotional life and being able to form intimate attachments with others.

When parents are either emotionally unreliable, neglectful, abusive, depressed, or emotionally unattuned to their young children, these children are more apt to grow up feeling emotionally insecure and vulnerable about forming relationships.  It's hard for them to trust.  They're very afraid of getting hurt or being emotionally abandoned again.  As a result, although they might feel very isolated and lonely, it's often difficult to allow themselves to open up emotionally to others.

An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love

Fear of Opening Up in Therapy
Often, people who struggle between wanting and dreading an intimate connection find it difficult to come to therapy to get help for this issue.  Coming to therapy means opening up and taking a risk with a therapist, which means allowing themselves to be vulnerable.  How do they know they can trust the therapist when they couldn't trust their own parents?  It's a dilemma.

For many people who somewhat overcome their fear to come to therapy, at least enough to come to a first session, their experience is often one of being hypervigilant--waiting to see if there are any signs that the therapist will betray or hurt them in some way.

A skilled clinician, who has worked with clients on developmental attachment problems, will know not to take it personally.  She would know that she must take her time to help the client to form a therapeutic alliance over time to build a rapport and trust.

Many clients, who suffer with developmental attachment issues, find it difficult to sustain treatment, and they leave after a few sessions.  Often, they give another "reason" for leaving therapy--money or time issues, never revealing that it's their dread of opening up that's making them want to flee from treatment.

For clients who can sustain treatment with therapists who have expertise in working with attachment issues, if they can allow themselves to build a rapport and trust with the an empathetic therapist, over time, they can also learn to form trusting and loving relationships outside of treatment.

This is the kind of therapeutic work that takes time.  A client, who has a fear of getting close to others, can't be rushed into overcoming his or her fear.  Each client is different and, if there is progress in treatment, it will probably be a process where it is two steps forward and one step backward due to the high level of ambivalence and fear.  There is also usually a lot of underlying shame of feeling "not good enough" or "not lovable."

Getting Help in Therapy

Wanting and Dreading Love:  Feeling Lost?  Get Help

My experience has been that using a combination of Somatic Experiencing, psychodynamic psychotherapy, resourcing (i.e., helping the client to develop better coping skills and an increased capacity to tolerate vulnerability) along with an expertise in developmental attachment issues, is often the most effective way to help clients to overcome the dilemma of longing for love and dreading it at the same time.

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more abut me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding

In my prior blog post, I discussed Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships from infancy to middle age for daughters and later years for mothers:  Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships. In today's blog post, I'll focus on the early stage of bonding between mothers and daughters.

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding

Why is Early Bonding Important?
First, let me say that bonding between infants and parents is extremely important for the infant to grow up to be a healthy, well-related adult.

Even though I'm focusing on mothers and daughters in this blog post, it's important to understand that both parents need to bond with their babies, whether the babies are girls or boys. So, even though the focus is on mothers and daughters, it's understood that fathers need to bond with their children as well.

Bonding between mothers and infants is an intense attachment. When bonding is going well, not only is it gratifying to both mother and infant, but the infant begins to learn in her first intense relationship how to relate.

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding

If the mother is responsive to the baby, all other things being equal, the baby will usually grow up with a sense of security and positive self esteem. How the mother responds to the baby affects the baby's social and cognitive development.

Bonding is a process that takes place over time. It doesn't have to be perfect--it just needs to be good enough.

Often, bonding takes place, without the mother even necessarily being aware of it, through the normal caregiving responses that she performs for the baby if the mother is also emotionally attuned and related to the baby.

An example of this is when a mother is changing a baby's diaper and she's talking lovingly to the baby at the same time. The baby often responds by smiling and cooing, which is gratifying to the mother, who responds even more lovingly to the baby. Under ordinary circumstances, this is a natural part of the mother-infant bonding process.

Babies respond to touching (skin-to-skin contact), which they find soothing. They also respond to their mother's voice and the mother's scent. Eye-to-eye contact, where the mother mirrors the baby's expressions and the baby attempts, even at an early age, to mimic the mother's expressions, is a very important aspect of bonding.

Breast feeding is another bonding experience between the mother and infant, as the infant learns to associate the mother with comfort, warmth, love and sustenance. All of these examples are powerful ways for mothers and infants to bond.

Secure and Insecure Attachment:
Most of the time, bonding is a pleasurable experience for mother and infant, and it tends to go well. But there are times when there are problems with bonding for a variety of reasons: mothers might be suffering with fatigue, depressive disorder, postpartum depression, medical issues or other problems that get in the way of their bonding with their infants.

 If there are problems during birth, babies might need to placed in intensive care. Under those circumstances, some mothers are put off by all of the equipment, and if they don't take the time and effort to bond, there can be serious consequences for the baby as well as their primary and other relationships later on.

In addition, aside from problems that the mother might have, the baby's temprement might affect the bonding process.

Attachment Theory:
In this blog post, there won't be time or space to go into all of the complexities of attachment theory. However, some basic concepts can be helpful in our discussion.

When we refer to attachment, we're referring to the quality of the bond between the infant and the caregiver.

Attachment theory was originally developed by John Bowlby (1907-1990), British psychiatrist, psychologist and psychoanalyst. His work was enhanced by his American student and eventual colleague, Mary Ainsworth (1913-1999) who observed mother-infant interactions in her infant research. Through her research, she identified four different types of attachment: secure, avoidant, ambivalent/resistant, and disorganized.

Before going describing the different types of attachment, I want to stress that just because an infant demonstrates a particular type of attachment, which might not be secure attachment, does not mean that this can never change. Scientists have discovered the remarkable plasticity of the brain in terms of people being able to make significant behavioral changes, even in old age.

Based on Ms. Ainsworth's research, secure attachment is optimal. When there is secure attachment, caregivers respond consistently and lovingly to the infants' needs most of the time. Studies have shown that about 65% of infants develop secure attachment.

Avoidant attachment in babies often occurs where the primary caregivers show little or no response to the babies' distress. These caregivers often discourage crying and want their babies to be emotionally "independent" beyond the babies' capacity. Due to these caregivers' lack of responsiveness, these babies often avoid emotional attachments and connections.

When babies show ambivalent/resistant attachment, the primary caregivers are often inconsistent, vacillating between being emotionally responsive and being neglectful or abusive. These babies are often insecure because they cannot rely on their primary caregivers.

Disorganized attachment usually occurs when primary caregivers are too intrusive or abusive with the infant. These infants are traumatized.

Consequences of Secure and Insecure Attachments:
Once again, I want to stress that an insecure attachment does not necessarily become that adult's inevitable destiny. So, what I'm about to say are generalizations about what has been found in research.

When bonding goes fairly well, as it does with 65% of infants, all other things being equal, these infants tend to grow up as secure adults. Of course, there are many other factors to take into account besides attachment, but for the sake of simplicity and brevity, let's just look at attachment and assume that everything else has gone reasonably well for these infants who grow up to be adults.

Generally, these adults, who experience secure attachment with their primary caregivers, tend to be able to trust in their adult relationships. They usually have healthy self esteem; they're empathetic towards others; they feel deserving of love, and they're able to form healthy adult relationships.

Infants who grow up with insecure attachment often have difficulty trusting. Self esteem is often impaired. They might also have a hard time understanding and being empathetic towards others. In addition, they often have difficulties forming healthy adult relationships.

We can already anticipate what the challenges might be in the mother-daughter relationships as well as other adults relationships for daughters who have developed insecure attachments as infants.

Getting Help in Therapy
These problems can be overcome and repaired in psychotherapy. Many people who didn't have secure attachment as infants overcome this problem and are able to form healthy adults relationships. I will explore this as well as the implications for mother-daughter relationships in future blog posts.

About Me
I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist and EMDR therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome problems in mother-daughter relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.