Self Reflection and Basic Mindfulness Techniques

In my previous article, Creating Time for Self Reflection: Mindfulness, I began a discussion about mindfulness as one way to engage in self reflection and included some of the benefits of mindfulness.

Self Reflection and Basic Mindfulness Techniques

In this article, I'll continue the discussion by providing some basic ways that you can begin to develop a mindfulness practice on your own, if you haven't done so already, so that you can reap many of these benefits.

The Roots of Mindfulness Practice
Although mindfulness has its roots in Buddhism, there are many other religions and spiritual practices that include some form of prayer or meditation technique that can be considered mindfulness techniques.

The Roots of Mindfulness:  Buddhism

But you don't have to be religious or even consider yourself to be a spiritual person to practice mindfulness in your everyday life.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder and former director of the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center, helped to bring attention to mindfulness practices to the general public.

The research that he conducted among patients showed that mindfulness practice can lead to physical and psychological improvements.

Basic Mindfulness Techniques
I think that many people, who aren't familiar with mindfulness techniques, believe that mindfulness techniques tend to be mysterious esoteric practices that would be difficult to learn and, as a result, they feel discouraged about learning to engage in mindfulness.

But, as I mentioned before, practicing mindfulness doesn't have to be connected to any form of religion or spirituality (although it can be), and it doesn't have to be complicated at all.

There are many ways to practice mindfulness, so I'm going to begin with very basic techniques that can help you to get started.

Mindfulness and the Mind-Body Connection
One of the reasons why I love using mind-body oriented approaches to therapy, like EMDR, clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing in my psychotherapy practice in NYC, is because I believe that the mind-body connection is crucial for overall health and well being, and these types of therapy all have in common that they focus on the mind-body connection.

Mindfulness and the Mind-Body Connection

Since my focus in this article is how you can begin to develop basic mindfulness techniques on your own, I'll begin with the simplest techniques that don't involve attending psychotherapy.

A Basic Mindfulness Technique:  Noticing Body Sensations
One basic way to practice mindfulness is to just notice the sensations in your body.

To practice mindfulness in this way, you don't need to know how to meditate and you don't even need to know anything about the mind-body connection.  You just focus on your body.

A Basic Mindfulness Technique:  Noticing Sensations in Your Body

Here are some simple steps:

• Focus on the physical sensations that you're experiencing right now.
• Notice what you're sensing in your body without judgement, which means just noticing.  This can include noticing an itch, a tingling sensation, a pain, a sense of fullness or emptiness in your stomach, muscle tension, scratchiness in your throat, and so on
• If you like this technique, you can start at the crown of your head and do a slow body scan from head to toe and just notice what you feel--again without judging it.
• If you get distracted, it's okay.  Just bring your attention back to your body.

Another Basic Mindfulness Technique:  Noticing Your Emotions in Your Body:
After practicing noticing body sensations, if you find you enjoy this, you can add noticing your emotions in your body.

A Basic Mindfulness Technique:  Noticing Your Emotions in Your Body

This is a technique that I use with clients in my psychotherapy private practice with EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis, but you can also do it on your own (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Connection to the Unconscious Mind).

Basic steps to noticing your emotions in your body:

• Begin by noticing body sensations (as outlined above).
• After you do a body scan from head to toe, begin to notice where you feel emotions in your body without judgment.
• If you're new to this, it's easier to start by noticing certain sensations in your body and beginning to tentatively identify which emotions this might be related to.  So, for instance, if you sense tension in your jaw, tension in your shoulders or clenched stomach muscles, ask yourself what emotions might be connected to these sensations.

As you practice noticing emotions in your body, you will become better at identifying these emotions and using this information to develop a greater sense of self awareness.

One of the keys to practicing these mindfulness techniques is being nonjudgmental.  So, if you find yourself beginning to berate yourself for feeling certain sensations or emotions, just notice that you're doing this and, if you can, allow those judgmental thoughts to float away.

Another Basic Mindfulness Technique:  Notice Your Cravings
Noticing your cravings can help you to become more mindful of your cravings, whether it's a craving for food, alcohol, drugs, overspending or whatever it is.

A Basic Mindfulness Technique:  Notice Your Cravings

Whatever the craving is, if you just notice it first, rather than immediately giving in to your craving, you'll soon discover that cravings often come and go.

Basic steps to notice your cravings:

• Begin by doing a body scan, as outlined earlier in this article.
• Notice, without judgment, where you're experiencing these cravings in your body (mouth, stomach, etc).
• Rather than denying or actively trying to get rid of the craving, just allow it to be.  If you don't indulge in the craving, it often just passes.
• Notice what it feels like in your body and emotionally to have the craving come and go.

Another Basic Mindfulness Technique:  Mindfulness Meditation
There are many ways to practice mindfulness meditation, so I'm going to focus on a basic way to get started.  After you've practiced for a while, you can find your own way to practice.

A Basic Mindfulness Technique:  Mindfulness Meditation

Basic steps to practice mindfulness meditation:

• Find a quiet place and time where you won't be interrupted for at least 15 minutes (you can increase the time, if you like, as you develop your mindfulness meditation practice).
• Sit quietly and notice your breathing.
• Notice what it feels in your body to breathe in and what it feels like to breathe out.
• Allow your thoughts to come and go without judging them or trying to hold onto them (this includes both "negative" thoughts as well as positive thoughts).
• If you get distracted, bring your attention back to your breathe again.

Later on, if you like mindfulness meditation, as I mentioned, you can develop your own unique way of practicing.  But, in the beginning, this is all you need to do to start.

Practicing Acceptance, Self Compassion and Being Nonjudgmental
Allowing judgmental thoughts to come and go can take practice.

Self Reflecting and Basic Mindfulness Techniques:  Acceptance and Self Compassion

When you start practicing mindfulness techniques, you might need to allow these thoughts to come and go many times.  That's okay.  It usually gets easier over time with practice.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people have problems getting started with basic mindfulness techniques on their own because they feel overwhelmed with emotional problems.

If you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed, you're not alone.

Seeing a licensed mental health practitioner can help you to overcome your problems so that you can live a more fulfilling life.

Seeing a psychotherapist who has a mind-body oriented approach to therapy can help you to work through your problems in a more holistic way.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy and the Mindful Self: The Benefits of Mindfulness in Therapy

In a prior article, Psychotherapy and the Mindful Self: What is Mindfulness?, I began a discussion about mindfulness by defining it, discussing its origins, describing some of the similarities between mindfulness and psychotherapy, and beginning to describe some of the benefits of combining mindfulness and therapy.

Psychotherapy and the Mindful Self:  The Benefits of Mindfulness in Therapy

As I mentioned in my prior article, many psychotherapists, especially therapists who value the importance of the mind-body connection, are now using mindfulness interventions as a resource with clients.

I often teach clients how to use mindfulness in therapy, and how to use mindfulness meditation to develop increased awareness of themselves and others.

Mindfulness meditation is usually associated with Vipassana, a form of meditation that comes from Theravada Buddhism.

The word Vipassana is a Pali word which means insight or awareness.  Vipassana is used to help develop awareness or mindfulness.

The Benefits of Using Mindfulness Interventions in Therapy

By using mindfulness in therapy, clients can:

• increase their capacity for emotion regulation in therapy as well as in everyday life
• decrease their reactivity to situations that would normally evoke a reactive response
• decrease perseveration
• increase their ability to be flexible in their responsiveness
• increase attentional capacities
• improve their interpersonal relationships

An Example of a Mindfulness Intervention in Therapy
An example of a mindfulness intervention, as it could be used in a therapy sessions, is as follows:

A therapist, who is working with a client who is processing a traumatic memory, is tracking what is going with the client during their session in terms of his emotions, breathing, facial expression, body language and overall demeanor.  

The therapist notices that as the client continues to talk about being physically abused by his father, the client has a far away gaze, his face has become pale, his jaw is clenched, his breathing is shallow and his body has become tense and rigid.

The therapist senses that the client is no longer in the here-and-now--he is back fully in the traumatic memory of being physically abused.

Rather than allowing the client to remain stuck in this traumatic response, the therapist helps the client to come back to the here-and-now by asking him to breathe and notice what he senses in his body.

As she watches the client increase his breathing, she asks him to slowly scan his body and notice what he is sensing.

As the client begins to calm down, the therapist reminds the client that he can use this mindfulness technique at any time when anything is bothering him.  This helps the client to feel empowered.

When the client is calmer, the therapist will ask the client if he wants to continue processing the traumatic memory or if he wants to stay in this calm state.  She leaves it up to the client, who is the best judge of what he needs at that moment.

Developing Mindfulness as a Skill
Like any new skill, for mindfulness to be effective, you need to practice it.

Many people find it helpful to use a mindfulness recording, like one of the recordings developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn, to help guide them.

Developing this skill doesn't mean being "perfect" or judging yourself for not being where you want to be with your mindfulness practice.

In fact, practicing without judgment or attachment is a basic concept in mindfulness.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feeling anxious, depressed or struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Psychotherapy and the Mindful Self: What is Mindfulness?

The use of mindfulness as part of psychotherapy has become increasingly popular over the last several years.  The popularity of mindfulness can be attributed, in large part, to the development of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) as well as mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR).

Psychotherapy and the Mindful Self:  What is Mindfulness?

But for many people who are new to therapy or to mindfulness concepts, mindfulness still remains somewhat of a mystery.  So before I discuss the benefits of mindfulness, I thought it would be best to first define it as well as look at its origins.

What is Mindfulness?
The word "mindfulness" comes from the Pali word "sati," which means having awareness, attention and remembering.

Being in a mindful state involves getting quiet and having an awareness of the present moment.

When clients practice mindfulness, they have an awareness of their own internal and reflective states without attachment or judgment.

Psychotherapy and the Mindful Self:  What is Mindfulness?

According to the Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, mindfulness enables a sense of connection with others.

He uses the term "interbeing," which is a Buddhist concept which says that by living in the present moment, one can experience the interconnection of all beings.

The Buddhist concept of "interbeing" is similar to the psychological concept of intersubjectivity.

In psychology, intersubjectivity refers to a relational form of therapy where the emphasis is on the intersubjective dynamic between the client and the therapist.

How is Mindfulness Similar to Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy and mindfulness can both:

• help clients to develop the ability to understand their own as well as others'  behavior
• emphasize the fluid and temporary nature of internal states
• enhance emotional regulation and mental flexibility
• allow clients to be aware in the present moment
• emphasize the intersubjective dynamic between self and others

Mindfulness as a Resource in Psychotherapy
Since mindfulness can help clients to regulate their emotions, I often help clients to develop mindfulness as a resource in our sessions as well as in their everyday lives.

Mindfulness is especially helpful when clients are processing painful traumatic experiences in therapy.  It allows them to have a dual awareness of processing painful memories as well the present moment of being in therapy room with the therapist.

Mindfulness as a Resource in Psychotherapy

Rather than getting overwhelmed by difficult, powerful emotions, using mindfulness in therapy can help clients to experience these emotions at the same time that they develop an observing self.  This helps clients to manage their emotions.

In a future article, I'll discuss the benefits of using mindfulness in psychotherapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point in his or her own life.

If you're struggling with painful emotions that you've been unable to overcome on your own, you could benefit from attending therapy with a licensed mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Acknowledging or Avoiding Your Trauma?

As I mentioned in an earlier article, The Trauma of Everyday Life: The Buddha's Loss of His Mother,     I recently finished reading Mark Epstein's book,  The Trauma of Everyday Life.  One of the themes in his book is that trauma and suffering are a part of everyone's life and there's no way to avoid it.  Dr. Epstein discusses how Buddha came to accept trauma as something that happened to everyone and, rather than try to avoid dealing with it, it's better to deal with the emotions through mindfulness.

Buddha's First Noble Truth:  Life is Suffering

Buddha's First Noble Truth:  Life is Suffering
According to Dr. Epstein, Buddhist philosophy centers around Buddha's Four Noble Truths.  The First Noble Truth is that life is suffering.  According to the First Noble Truth, we can't live life without enduring some type of suffering, whether it's physical, emotional, psychological and, ultimately, death.

It's understandable that no one wants to suffer, and most people are inclined to try to avoid dealing with their unpleasant feelings.  But when we try to completely avoid dealing with suffering, the effect is usually that we prolong it.

We can find all different ways to try to distract ourselves from our suffering, and we have many more ways now than ever before:  the Internet, TV, smart phones, computer games, etc.  But no matter how much we try to avoid emotions related to suffering, the feelings are still there.

Working Through Trauma in Therapy
Many people are afraid to go to therapy because they fear that they won't be able to tolerate dealing with their emotional trauma.

Rather than dealing with trauma in therapy, they keep pushing down their uncomfortable feelings so they don't have to deal with them.  Often, by pushing down these feelings, the feelings actually intensify and get worse.

Aside from distracting themselves, some people try to alter their mood by drinking excessively, using drugs, gambling or engaging in other mood-altering activities.  This only creates more problems for them.

Creating a Safe Place in Therapy to Deal With Trauma
When a psychotherapy client has a good rapport with the therapist and the therapist creates an emotionally safe place, the client is often surprised that the working through of trauma can be less painful than they expected (see my article:  The Creation of the "Holding Environment" in Psychotherapy).

Why is this often the case?

Well, people who have been emotionally traumatized expect that they will feel as badly in the working through process as they did when they experienced the original trauma.  But, often, during the original trauma the client had to deal with the trauma by him or herself.  Even if there were other people around who wanted to help, they might not have known how to help.

Creating a Safe Place in Therapy to Deal With Trauma

Also, if you're working with a therapist who has an expertise in trauma, the therapist usually knows how to titrate the working through process so that it can be worked through in a way that is more manageable for the client.

This doesn't mean that the client won't feel upset.  It means that, with help from an experienced trauma therapist, the client can work through the trauma so that they usually don't experience the same anguish they did during the original trauma.

An experienced trauma therapist can also help the client to separate emotions from the original trauma versus emotions that he or she feels now (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").  This is very important because many people assume that they'll be retraumatized in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
The first step in working through trauma is getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma expert.

Getting Help in Therapy

My experience as a psychotherapist, who has an expertise in working with trauma, is that regular talk therapy doesn't always help people to heal from trauma and a mind-body oriented approach to trauma, like EMDR, Somatic Experience or clinical hypnosis is often more effective.

Emotional trauma can lie dormant for a while before it is triggered by an event in the present.  Then, it's often hard to distinguish between the old trauma and the current event.

If you've been avoiding dealing with your emotional trauma, you probably realize that it's not going away by itself.   So, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can work through the trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Trauma of Everyday Life: The Buddha's Early Loss of His Mother

I just finished reading Dr. Mark Epstein's book, The Trauma of Everyday Life.

Mark Epstein is a psychoanalytically trained psychiatrist in private practice in NYC.  He is also a practicing Buddhist.

Statue of Buddha Under the Bodhi Tree

The theme of The Trauma of Everyday Life is that, "dukkha" or suffering, isn't just something that happens to an unlucky few.  It's a basic part of life.  It affects all of us at some point in our lives, whether it's the death of a loved one, experiencing a shocking event, our own serious health issues or the natural decline of old age and anticipation of death.  No one is exempt from experiencing trauma.

One of the themes of the book is Buddha's early loss of his mother.

Before we discuss this early loss further, it's important to understand how memory works and the difference between implicit and explicit memory.

Implicit vs Explicit Memory and Trauma
Many people mistakenly assume that children have no memories of their experiences before the age of two.  If this were true, then babies wouldn't have any memories of traumatic losses that occurred to them.  They would also have no good memories of being held, cared for and loved.  However, we now know that infants are capable of storing memories from birth, including happy as well as traumatic memories.

To understand how this is possible, we need to know the difference between implicit memory and explicit memory.

Implicit memory is what we use when we walk, dance, throw a ball or engage in similar activities.  So, for instance, when we walk, we don't have to be conscious of taking a step one foot and then the left foot or how to balance ourselves.  We just do it.  Implicit memory is unconscious.

Implicit memory is what we all have before we have verbally based memories, which are explicit memories.  Until about 18 months, implicit memory is the only memory that we have.

"Relational knowing," which includes expressing affection and the ability to form friendships and relationships, is based on implicit memory.

On the other hand, explicit memory is what we normally think of when we talk about memory.  Explicit memory allows for conscious recollection.

Explicit memory is also called "narrative" or "declarative" memory.  It involves conscious thoughts and language that enables us to symbolize and make sense of what's happening to ourselves and the world around us.

We now know that traumatic experiences, including early loss for infants, are held in implicit memory.  These memories exist in the body at an unconscious level.

Early traumatic memories, although not explicitly remembered, are dissociated and remain unprocessed until they are either emotionally triggered or worked on in therapy.

The Buddha's Early Loss of His Mother
According to Mark Epstein, the Buddha lost his mother when he was only seven days old.

Statue of Queen Maya of Sakya, Buddha's Mother, at the Temple of Swayabhuncth

As a psychotherapist, who has a psychoanalytic background, I'm very aware of how this type of traumatic early loss can affect a person as a child and later on as an adult.

The early days of bonding between a mother and an infant are very important for the infant's development as well as the quality of interpersonal relationships that he and she can have later on (see my article:  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships).

Based on stories of his life, after his mother's death, the Buddha was well cared for by his aunt and his father, and every effort was made during his early days to keep him from explicitly knowing about the traumas of everyday life, including sickness and death.

But, according to Mark Epstein, even though Buddha was surrounded by joy and wealth, as well as a caring family, as a young man, Buddha felt that "something was missing."

We don't know if Buddha's feelings of estrangement or alienation stemmed from his confrontation as a young man with the realities of sickness and death or if it stemmed from the early loss of his mother, which would have been an unconscious feeling for him.

But we do know that the Buddha was able to create for himself an inner emotional attunement to process his feelings.  He did this, according to Mark Epstein, through the practice of mindfulness.  Rather than trying to escape his suffering, he acknowledged it, accepted that trauma is a part of everyday life, and he taught himself to balance and contain his suffering through mindfulness.

Working Through Early Trauma in Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy
As a psychotherapist, who specializes in working with trauma, I've worked with many clients who lost their mothers at an early age.  Even though they had no explicit memories of their mothers, they all had an inexplicable sense of loss that was hard for them to define.

Many people who have lost their mothers at an early age feel ashamed of their traumatic feelings.  Since they have no explicit memories of their mothers or of the loss, their implicit feelings feel amorphous and illogical.  And for those who were told by people, who don't know about implicit memories, that they couldn't possibly feel this loss, their shame feels even worse.

For many therapy clients, who have tried to work through early trauma in regular talk therapy, their experience is often that they have an intellectual understanding of their experience, especially once they learn about implicit memory and how they're carrying around the trauma on an unconscious level.

But having an intellectual understanding isn't the same as healing.

Mind-Body oriented psychotherapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing can help clients to access the unconscious experiences so that they can be worked through on an emotional level, and not just on an intellectual level (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious).

Getting Help
Unresolved trauma often takes a toll on the person with the trauma as well as his or her loved ones.  If you are suffering with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help.

When choosing a therapist, make sure that he or she is a licensed mental health practitioner in the state where you live.  I've included links below for directories of therapists who use either EMDR, Somatic Experiencing or clinical hypnosis.

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Directories:
American Society of Clinical Hypnosis directory
EMDR Directory
Somatic Experiencing directory

Here is a short recording from the website, Bookotron.com:   Mark Epstein talks about The Trauma of Everyday Life.

Are You Gazing at the Sky Through a Straw?

Sharon Salzberg, cofounder of the Insight Meditation Center in Barre, MA, writes in her autobiographical book, Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience, that Buddhists have an expression that they use called "gazing at the sky through a straw." She says this expression is a metaphor for holding onto narrow, fixed beliefs and allowing these beliefs to become the whole of our existence. 

Expand Your Vision

Rather than seeing the vastness and beauty of the sky, when we gaze at the sky through a straw, we only see a very small part of the sky and yet we think we see all of it. We don't realize that we're depriving ourselves.

I enjoy reading about people's personal quests, and I'm enjoying reading about Ms. Salzberg's quest.  She writes about overcoming childhood trauma through her explorations in meditation and Buddhism. She also discusses how, at first, she clung to her particular beliefs because they helped her to feel secure, and how she had to learn to be more open and questioning about her beliefs lest they become dogma.

Compassion and Empathy
While reading this book, I've begun thinking about what it means when we become rigid in our beliefs and ways of doing things. In telling the story of her personal evolution, Ms. Salzberg provides an excellent example of why people often hold rigidly to their particular ways, and how they can feel threatened by other people's views. We see this every day in our personal encounters with people as well as in our own government where adherence to rigid beliefs has created gridlock in our Congress, and we see it internationally between countries.  We can see it in ourselves.

If you're dealing with someone who has rigid beliefs that are creating tension between you and this person, it's not enough to tell them, "Don't be so rigid" or "Chill out." It's much more helpful to take a moment, step back and try to understand what this person's particular stance means in the context of his or her life. Then, even if you don't agree, you might still feel some empathy and compassion for this person.  You can also look at your own struggles with rigidity and feel compassion for yourself.

My Uncle Joe:
While reading Faith," I thought about my Uncle Joe. My Uncle Joe passed away from a sudden heart attack at the young age of 43. But when he was alive, he was "the rock" of my father's family. Although he wasn't the oldest, he might as well have been. He was the one that everyone depended on.

As a young man, he had never been away from home until he was drafted into the Army during World War II. Both he and my father were sent to the South Pacific where, undoubtedly, they saw unspeakable atrocities. "Unspeakable" being the operative word because neither he nor my father ever spoke about the war. When Uncle Joe came back from the war, he moved back in with my grandparents and his brothers. Having experienced the war in the South Pacific, I think he felt secure coming home to the household traditions in my grandparents' home.

Uncle Joe was a very kind and generous person. If you came to visit him and you complimented him on something that he had (whether it was a set of cuff links or a new clock), he would insist that you have it.

I'll never forget the time that one of his cousins, Junior, admired a new vacuum cleaner that Uncle Joe had just bought. Actually, I think all that Junior said was, "Oh, that's nice." 

No sooner had the words left Junior's mouth than my Uncle Joe was trying to put the vacuum cleaner in Junior's hands, insisting that he have it. Junior was red-faced with embarrassment because he never meant to say that he wanted it. And there were the two of them pushing and pulling this vacuum cleaner back and forth, each one insisting that the other have it. Finally, Junior said his goodbyes to all of us very quickly and he practically ran out the door with my Uncle Joe still insisting that he wanted him to have the vacuum cleaner.

When we were younger, my cousins and I didn't know that the sumptuous Sunday dinners at my grandparents' house were provided courtesy of Uncle Joe. As children, we never thought of such things. In many ways, we took for granted the loving, nurturing, child-centered environment in my grandparents' home. It was all that we ever knew so how could we think that it could ever be different?

In many ways, we were protected as children. As hard as it may be to believe (and even I can't believe it myself when I think about it now), as children, we never knew that my grandmother was suffering with cancer. She had an indomitable spirit. 

She was always cooking and entertaining, welcoming people into her home, piling more food on their plates and filling their glasses. Sometimes, we would see her sleeping at the table and if she caught one us looking at her, she would say, "I'm just resting my eyes." When I look at old pictures of her now, I can see the dark rings under her eyes and how tired she looked, probably from the chemo. I can look back on it now and see that, had it not been for Uncle Joe helping my grandmother, our world would have been much different.

But as generous as he was, Uncle Joe also had very fixed ideas about what was right and what was wrong and how things should be done. So, for instance, during the week, he often cooked for his parents and his brothers. After he cooked, he would label each meal as either "Monday," "Tuesday," "Wednesday" and so on. It was a running joke in our family that if his brother, Al, wanted to annoy him, he would eat Tuesday's meal on Monday or eat Wednesday's meal on Tuesday.

My grandparents would tease Uncle Joe about this, but he would really get seriously upset if the meals were eaten out of order. Looking back on it now, I think that, for him, having that kind of rigid order helped him to feel secure: In a crazy world where, as a young man, you might suddenly find yourself one day in a foreign country killing other young men that you didn't even know, these simple things were things that you could count on. I think it represented stability and security to him, just like going to the same Mass every Sunday (9 AM and never 10 AM or 11 AM) or leaving for work at the post office at the same exact time every day.

He also never left the security of my grandparent's home. My grandfather died a year after my grandmother died, and my Uncle Joe died from a sudden heart a year after that. For someone who needed so much for things to remain the same, I can't help thinking that, aside from a history of heart problems among the men on my father's side of the family, my Uncle Joe also died in part because he couldn't tolerate that his world was turned upside down after my grandparents died. He was bereft without them.

I think that, for my Uncle Joe, who needed desperately for things to remain the same, he feared change. Change meant that the rug could be pulled out from underneath him at any time. He came back from the war during a time when no one really knew about post-traumatic stress disorder. They called it being "shell shocked" and there was no real treatment for it, not like there is today with the advent of EMDR and other forms of therapy that are specifically for trauma.

Fear and Clinging to Rigid Beliefs:
Reading Faith and remembering my Uncle Joe, and other people that I've known in my life, reminds me to have empathy and compassion for people who cling to their beliefs and who might be disparaging of others who hold different beliefs. When people need to cling to their beliefs and denigrate others, underneath it all, they're afraid. They might not even realize that they're afraid, but fear can be a powerful emotion. Fear can motivate us to change or it can make us run or it can freeze us in our tracks into stultifying rigidity.

If you find that you're "gazing at the sky through a straw," you might ask yourself whether fear might be keeping you from living more fully with more openness and flexibility. Trauma often causes people to feel fearful and avoidant. Trauma comes in many forms, not just the type of post-traumatic stress that we usually associate with war.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel stuck because of fear and insecurity, you're not alone, and you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in this area.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.