Embracing Your Shadow Self

Carl Jung, the Swiss psychoanalyst, popularized the concept of the "shadow self." He believed that everyone has a shadow self that conflicts with an ideal version of how they want to see themselves. 

In this article I'm focusing on identifying the shadow self and the benefits of understanding and integrating those parts instead of trying to suppress them (see my article: What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself the More It Persists).

What is the Shadow Self?

The shadow self consists of the parts of yourself, including thoughts, feelings and behavior, that you find difficult to accept because these parts don't fit with how you think you "should" be.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is an example of how someone, who doesn't embrace his shadow self, experiences a strong internal conflict. 

Dr. Jekyll attempts to split off the parts of himself that he feels are evil. These parts turn into Mr. Hyde. The more he tries to suppress his shadow self, the more powerful it becomes until it becomes all encompassing.

Here is a modern day example:  A woman believes she should always be a loving daughter towards her mean and critical mother. Whenever resentment towards her mother comes into her awareness, she tries to suppress it because it doesn't fit in with how she believes an ideal daughter should feel towards her mother. 

The more she tries to suppress her resentment, the more unhappy and anxious she becomes because it takes increasing effort to suppress these feelings. And, since she can't completely suppress her resentment towards her mother, her anger comes out unexpectedly in ways that make her feel ashamed and guilty afterwards.

Sometimes when her anger towards her mother is strong, she displaces it onto her husband and children. Other times she snaps at coworkers. And, when her mother is especially critical of her, she is shocked by how she eventually loses her temper with her mother.  Then, she feels remorse, shame and guilt, and she redoubles her efforts to suppress her anger, and the cycle continues.

How to Embrace Your Shadow Self

Since everyone has a shadow self and suppressing it only makes you feel worse, learning to embrace your shadow self is important for your mental health and sense of well-being.

Shadow work involves gently bringing these split off and disowned parts of yourself into your awareness (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious and Discovering and Giving Voice to Disowned Parts of Yourself).

Embracing Your Shadow Self: Making the Unconscious Conscious

The following suggestions can be helpful to embrace your shadow self:

• Get Curious: Instead of having a negative and judgmental attitude towards disowned parts of yourself, get curious about them. An open curious attitude can help these parts to emerge into your consciousness.

• Meditate: Mindfulness Meditation is a good way to observe your thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental way.

• Write in a Journal: Journaling allows you to transfer your thoughts and feelings from your mind onto paper. It helps to concretize the many different parts of yourself so that you can reflect on them. As part of journaling, you can ask yourself:

• What were you taught as a child about the parts of yourself you find difficult to accept now?

• As a child, were you allowed to express these aspects of yourself or were you punished for it?

• If you weren't allowed to express these thoughts and feelings, what did you do with them? 

• Are your current negative thoughts and feelings about yourself and/or a significant relationship in your life?

• What type of people or situations trigger negative feelings in you? Are these feelings related to aspects of yourself that you consider to be unacceptable?

• Get Help From a Therapist Who Does Parts Work: Parts work, like Ego States Therapy, is designed to help you to identify and integrate all the parts of yourself including the ones you find challenging to accept. Ego States Therapy allows you to develop an accepting attitude towards all parts of yourself so that these parts can coexist together. In Ego States Therapy, you learn that the parts of you that you want to disown often have a protective intention but, because they remain split off and unintegrated, they can come up in unhealthy ways. You also learn that by having an internal dialog with those parts, they can serve you in healthy ways (see my article: How Parts Work Helps to Empower You).

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with parts of yourself you find difficult to accept, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Parts Work, like Ego States Therapy, can help you to identify and, eventually, accept the parts of yourself with compassion.  

By maintaining an internal dialog with these parts, you learn to develop these parts into healthy aspects of yourself.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who does Parts Work so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Ego States and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

Do you have negative stories you tell yourself about who you are? 

If you do, you're not alone. These stories are shaped by your experiences and they also shape your perception of yourself.  So, if the narrative you are telling yourself is negative, you're likely to believe these distortions.

See my articles: 

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

5 Steps For Challenging Distorted Negative Thoughts About Yourself

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

In Mark Epstein's books,  Going on Being and The Zen of Psychotherapy, he discusses the negative narratives his clients often cling to and how it affects their perspective of themselves.  He discusses this based on the intersection of psychotherapy and Buddhism.  However, to benefit from these concepts, you don't have to believe in Buddhism or even be a spiritual person.

How Do Personal Narratives Develop?

Personal narratives are developed through your early experiences even before you have any awareness of them and the effect they have on you.  This means they are often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Personal narratives are often impacted by the hopes and fears your parents had for you if they projected these stories onto you. Then, you take them in on a deep level even before you are aware of it.

For instance, if you grew up with parents who told you that you could strive to accomplish whatever you want, all other things being equal, you will most likely grow up feeling self confident and entitled to pursue your dreams.  

But if you grew up in a family where your parents believed the world is a dangerous place  and you shouldn't expect too much in your life, you will probably feel anxious and scared to pursue your dreams or you might not even allow yourself to have personal hopes and dreams. (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma).

Becoming Aware of Your Personal Narrative

Before you can change your personal narrative, you need to become aware of the stories you are telling yourself (see my article: Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes).

This can be challenging because, as previously mentioned, these old stories develop so early and they become ingrained in you.  Over time, you might have even come to develop a strong identification with these stories--so much so you don't experience any separation between the stories you are telling yourself and who you really are. So, you need to have a way of observing your personal narrative.  

Many people find mindfulness meditation to be an effective way to observe and become aware of the thoughts and emotions.

When you begin a mindfulness practice, you might find yourself distracted by irrelevant thoughts and other distractions.  But if you continue to develop your mindfulness practice over time and you can let go of self judgment, you can begin to notice and question these negative perceptions.

People often think they aren't supposed to have unrelated thoughts during mindfulness meditation, but your thoughts will automatically come.  Rather than expecting not to have thoughts or trying to suppress these thoughts, just observe them and then let them go as if they could float away on a cloud.

Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

Awareness is the first step.  

Are you happy with what you have observed?  Is this what you want for yourself?

After you become aware of an old negative narrative, you can attempt to step outside your experience to question whether this narrative is true and ask yourself where it came from (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How Your Past Affects You Now).

It's not unusual for there to be unconscious reasons for maintaining and reinforcing negative stories based on your fears about change.  There might be an unconscious belief that by maintaining the status quo, you are keeping yourself "safe."  But playing it "safe" can also keep you stuck (see my article: Are Your Core Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Journaling about what came up in your meditation is helpful in terms of making sense of and questioning your thoughts and emotions about yourself.

Where is the evidence for the negative stories you are telling yourself?  

Can you consider other alternatives?

Rewriting Your Personal Narrative

What if you write a new narrative that is closer to your authentic self and you step into that narrative to see how that change feels (see my article: Becoming Your True Self)?

Rewriting your narrative doesn't mean you tell yourself you had a wonderful childhood if you didn't. That would be a false narrative.

Instead, acknowledge your negative memories, write about them and, without negating the traumatic impact they had on you, also look at what you might have gained from these experiences so you can begin to reframe them in a larger perspective.  

For instance, in addition to the adversity and emotional pain, did you learn anything of value from them?  Did you develop strengths as a result of these struggles?

When you discover and acknowledge the strengths you developed as a result of these experiences, you can begin to see your personal narrative with a new expanded perspective.

Overcoming Trauma That Affects Your Perception of Yourself

When you are struggling with unresolved trauma you developed early in your life, you might be too overwhelmed by emotional triggers and related thoughts and emotions you developed from the trauma.

Although you can still look at your personal narrative in a larger perspective, when your trauma symptoms are active, you will probably need the help of a therapist who is a trauma specialist to help you overcome these symptoms and the related negative personal stories you tell yourself (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

In the next article, I'll expand on this discussion: How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help).

Getting Help in Therapy

By definition, trauma is overwhelming.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps clients to overcome trauma.

Freeing Yourself From Effects of Your Traumatic History

Freeing yourself from the effects of your traumatic history can change how you feel about yourself and allow you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mindfulness Meditation Can Help to Reduce Anxiety

In my last two articles, I focused on how to reduce anxiety (see my articles: Self Help Tips For Anxiety and Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).  In the current article, I'm focusing specifically on how mindfulness can help to reduce anxiety (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Calming the Mind, Calming the Body).

Mindfulness Meditation Can Help to Reduce Anxiety

What is Mindfulness Meditation?

Mindfulness is the ability to be fully present in the here-and-now (see my article: Living Fully Present in the Moment).

Being present in a mindful way includes:

• Body Awareness:  Body awareness includes being aware of physical sensations in your body as well as your internal emotional state.  When you have developed this ability, you can regulate your emotions more effectively.

• Focused Attention:  When you develop the ability to focus and pay attention, you can focus on yourself or a task you are engaged in rather than getting distracted.  

• Self Perception:  Practicing mindfulness can also change how you see yourself.  There is some research indicating that mindfulness can increase your self esteem as well as self compassion.

• Physical Health: Mindfulness meditation can reduce blood pressure and the stress hormone known as cortisol, which makes it a potentially effective way to reduce your anxiety.

What Are Some Examples of Different Mindfulness Practices?

• Sitting, standing, walking
• Taking pauses throughout the day to be fully present in the moment
• Combining mindfulness with other practices, like yoga, breathing, and so on

For instance, if you are walking, you can focus on how you feel picking up each foot and putting it down.  Notice how each foot feels on the ground.

In a prior article, I gave suggestions about how to do mindfulness meditation if you're a beginner (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation).

Mindfulness in Practice

There is nothing mysterious about mindfulness.  Just about anyone can develop a mindfulness practice.

Once you have learned to do mindfulness meditation, you can do it on your own.

Mindfulness meditation can help reduce anxiety because focusing on the here and now has a calming effect (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

How Else is Mindfulness Helpful?

Mindfulness can be used in many different ways.  

For instance, you can eat mindfully.  

You can also enhance your sex drive by being mindful.

Almost any activity can be done in a mindful way by focusing on it.

For instance, if you are washing dishes, you can focus on the task at hand.  Whenever your mind wanders, just bring it back to the task.  This can be calming--even if you don't like doing dishes.

Getting Help in Therapy

If mindfulness meditation isn't enough to reduce your anxiety because you have other underlying issues or unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through the underlying issues or unresolved trauma (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy from a qualified professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to work through unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can Mindfulness Help to Increase Sexual Pleasure?

In her book, Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire, Dr. Lori A. Brotto, discusses how mindfulness can help women to develop increased sexual arousal, desire and overall sexual satisfaction (see my article: Women's Sexual Self Discovery).

Mindfulness Can Help to Increase Sexual Pleasure

To put this in context:  According to sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski, who wrote Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life and the forward for Dr. Brotto's book, recent sex research indicates that whereas most men experience spontaneous sexual desire, only about 16% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire.  

That means that the vast majority of women experience what's called responsive desire, which is more dependent on context (see my articles: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

It's not a matter of one type of sexual desire being better than another.  Both spontaneous and responsive sexual desire are "normal." They're just different.  But what's usually portrayed as normal in the media, especially in pornography, is spontaneous desire--as if all women are instantly aroused and ready for sex at the drop of a hat without sexual stimulation. But this is a fallacy.

For women (and a small minority of men) who experience responsive desire, in order for them to get sexually turned on, context is key.  They usually need to feel relaxed and they need more sexual stimulation to get turned on, as compared to people with spontaneous sexual desire.  

Sexual stimulation can be physical or psychological or both (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script: Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Psychological Stimulation for an explanation of the difference between physical and psychological stimulation).

According to Dr. Brotto, some women experience a disconnection between their mind and their body so that their mind doesn't register that their body is actually turned on. This is called sexual discordance.  In other words, they're not picking up on sexual arousal cues in their bodies that they're turned on, so they're not motivated to have sex.

Dr. Brotto provides lots of research and helpful clinical examples in her book to illustrate her points.

How Does Mindfulness Help Women With Low Sexual Desire?

Dr. Brotto posits that a mindfulness practice can help women to achieve sexual concordance, which is the opposite of sexual discordance.  With sexual concordance, the mind and the body are aligned (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Internal Experiences).

With mindfulness, women can become more aware of their here-and-now bodily experience so they can feel sexual arousal cues in their body.  Rather than being distracted by other thoughts, these women can develop reciprocal communication between their mind and body.  In other words, there is a two-way communication that connects their thoughts with their physical sensations.

When there is concordance between the mind and the body, women, who normally experience low libido, can become more internally attuned so they're motivated to have sex--whether this is solo sex or partnered sex.

Developing a Mindfulness Meditation Practice

Like any skill, a mindfulness meditation practice is developed over time (see my article:  What is Mindfulness Meditation?).

One simple way to begin is by learning to do a a body scan meditation where you slowly sense into your body starting at the crown of your head and going all the way down to your feet.  

If you're new to mindfulness, you can also start with one of Jon Kabat-Zinn's recordings, Mindfulness For Beginners, to develop basic mindfulness skills.  You can start with just a few minutes a day and increase time from there.  

A regular mindfulness practice will help you to develop these skills.  Even if you feel discouraged at first, keep at it.  Over time, you'll get better at dealing with distracting thoughts which come inevitably--even for experienced meditators. Accept those thoughts and then let them go.

Another valuable resource, if this is all new to you, is a book by Dr. Ann Weiser Cornell called The Power of Focusing where she gives basic exercises to help you get started.

After you have developed basic mindfulness skills, Dr. Brotto's book can help you to become more sexually aware of your own experience by helping you to develop interoceptive awareness, which is the ability to detect your internal bodily sensations.  

With regard to interoceptive awareness, everyone is on a continuum.  Some people are very aware of what's going on with their body--they sense their heartbeat or small changes in muscle tension.  Other people aren't as interoceptively aware.  But almost everyone can develop this awareness with mindful meditation practice.

An added benefit of developing interoceptive awareness, according to Dr. Brotto, is that women who tend to see themselves through an objectifying body shaming lens often develop more positive images of themselves.

Even if you don't have problems with low libido, becoming sexually mindful can enhance your sexual experiences.

Getting Help in Therapy

Although mindfulness, especially sexual mindfulness, can be helpful, there are times when you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional to help you overcome problems related to low sexual desire.  This is especially true if you have unresolved trauma.

Unresolved trauma is often a major obstacle to experiencing sexual desire, but it doesn't have to be.  A trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma so that you can have a more fulfilling life (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who has experience helping clients to overcome trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Self Care During the COVID-19 Crisis: How Mindfulness Can Reduce Stress

Self care during the COVID-19 crisis is essential to maintaining your health and sense of well-being so you can get through this pandemic and get back to your normal routines when this is over (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Calm the Body and Calm the Mind, Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis, Empowering Yourself During the COVID-19 Crisis and Self Care: Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself).  In this article I'm focusing specifically on slowing down in a mindful way to notice what's going on in your internal world as well as to pay attention to the environment around you.

Self Care During the COVID-19 Crisis: How Mindfulness Can Reduce Stress

Learning to Be Mindfully Aware
I was talking to a friend a few days ago, and she was telling me about a workshop she took.  She told me the teacher, who was doing the workshop on breathing exercises and Qigong, said that in centuries past, before monks were allowed to learn these exercises from their teachers, they had to spend many years sweeping the steps outside the temple.  We talked about how fortunate we are to be able to learn these exercises through workshops, videos and teaching each other without having to wait years.

Afterwards, the image of a monk sweeping the temple steps stayed with me.  I thought about the monk performing this task and how, beyond the mundane aspects of it, sweep served to help the monk focus and be more mindful of himself, his task and his environment.

Just as the monks derived a sense of well-being from living in a mindful way, practicing mindfulness can be a valuable practice to help you reduce stress too.

Feeling Isolated and Lonely
Many people feel trapped at home because of the requirement to practice physical distancing. But rather than zoning out in front of the TV or computer, you can use this time to slow down and be more mindful of your body, thoughts, emotions and behavior (see my articles: Coping With Loneliness and Social Isolation During the COVID-19 Crisis, Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected Even Though You're Physically Disconnected and Common Reactions to the COVID-19 Crisis: Fear and Anxiety).

Tips For Slowing Down and Being Mindful
So, let's discuss how you can learn to slow down in simple mindful ways:

• Pay Attention to Your Body: 
• Start by paying attention to what's going on in your body (see my article: Doing a Body Scan Meditation to Sense and Reduce Stress).  
• The more you can be aware of what's going on in your body, the better you'll be able to reduce your stress.

• Breathe:
• Most people breathe in a shallow way, which can be anxiety and stress producing. Become aware of your breathing and take full breaths.
• Take time to do a simple breathing exercise.

• Practice Mindfulness Meditation: 
• Mindfulness meditation is a specific way of meditating that can help you to relax your body and your mind (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

• Do One Thing at a Time: 
• Juggling tasks, even if you think you're good at it, is stress producing.  
• Rather than multi-tasking, do one thing at a time and pay attention to what you're doing so that you can do your task in a mindful way. 

• Take Breaks During the Day: 
• Whether you're working from home, taking care of children or elderly parents or doing all of the above, take at least 5-10 minutes for a break (see my article: Discovering the Quiet Place Within Yourself).

• If you live with others, let them know that this is uninterrupted time just for you. If possible, try to find a quiet space for yourself (see my articles: Is Self Care Selfish and Finding Moments of Peace During Stressful Times).

• If it's too hard to find the time and space during the day, get up a few minutes early or take a few minutes before you go to sleep to spend some quiet time with yourself  (see my article: Learning to Relax: Going on an Internal Retreat).

• Maintain Your Perspective: 
• Although stressful events, like the COVID-19 crisis, might feel like they'll go on forever, there will be an end.
• Remember the words, "This too shall pass." 
• Also, remember other times when you were able to get through very difficult times.
• Remember that you're probably more resilient than you think (see my article: Resilience: Tips on How to Cope).

• Take it One Day, One Hour or One Minute at a Time: Try Not to Anticipate What Will Happen in the Future:
•  Whether you need to take it one day at a time or one minute at a time, try not to project into the future. 
• Worrying about the future will only make you anxious and deplete your energy (see my article: How to Stop Worrying). 
• Focus on the here and now (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

• Unplug From Your Telephone and Social Media: 
• When you're able to take a break, unplug from the TV, your computer, your phone and social media. 
• Remaining connected all the time is stressful.  
• You might feel like you have to stay on top of breaking news, but spending a lot of time watching or listening to the news can be stress and anxiety inducing.  
• Limit how much time you spend plugged in to your cellphone, computer and social media.

• Focus on What You're Grateful For Each Day: 
• No matter how big a crisis you're going through, you can usually find something to be grateful for--even if it's something that you think is small.  
• That doesn't mean that you ignore the negative things going on or that you don't prepare yourself and your family for what might come.  
• It means that you also remember that good things are happening.  
• By writing down at least three things that you're grateful for each day, not only do you feel gratitude and appreciation for the people and things you have in your life, you also train your mind to remember that, even in the darkest hour, there are almost always things to be grateful for (Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

Getting Help in Therapy
You're not alone.  Many people are feeling the psychological effects of the pandemic (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: The Client's and Therapist's Parallel Experience in a Crisis).

Everyone needs help at some point.  There are times when, despite your best efforts to reduce your stress and anxiety, you might need help from a mental health professional.

A licensed psychotherapist can help you to manage your stress and anxiety by helping you to develop tools and internal resources.

Many psychotherapists, including me, are doing online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) durng the COVID-19 crisis (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Even before the COVID-19 pandemic, there was an epidemic of loneliness, and the social isolation and loneliness involved with practicing physical distancing are making those experiences even worse.

Rather than struggling on your own, take action and get the help you need sooner rather than later.  In the long run, it could make all the difference in your health and emotional well-being.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

Looking happy on the outside, but feeling broken on the inside is a common experience for people who are depressed but who want to appear as if nothing is wrong (see my article: How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

In many cases, it's not just a matter of putting on a facade for other people--people who smile on the outside but actually feel depressed are also often attempting to convince themselves that there's nothing wrong.  They use the happy outer expression as a defense mechanism to hide their depression from themselves as well as from others.

In other cases, people, who might be out of touch with their feelings, are unaware that they feel depressed.  But, at times, they might notice that there's a disconnect between how they appear to others and what they feel inside.

When they do sense their depression, they often brush it off, so the disconnect between how they appear and how they feel deep down is maintained.

The old saying, "You can't judge a book by it's cover" applies to this problem.  The person who gives the impression of being the happiest might be the person who is really dying inside.

Let's take a look at a fictional clinical vignette that illustrates these issues:

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside:

Toni
Toni was considered a "dynamo" by her friends and colleagues.  She had a dynamic presence among colleagues and friends.  She headed up new projects at work with gusto, mentored new colleagues with enthusiasm, and she often entertained friends at home.

She was always smiling, laughing and cheerful, offering valuable advice and encouragement.  No one would ever know that she felt broken inside.

When she was alone, Toni felt restless and irritable.  She didn't like to have free time because the sadness that was welling up inside her threatened to overtake her emotionally, so she always found things to do to keep herself busy and distracted (see my article: Are You "Keeping Busy" to Avoid Painful Emotions?)

At 32, she was on track to get a promotion to a senior position at work, and she was taking on more and more responsibilities from her director.  As the work piled on and her personal schedule got busier, she was beginning to feel exhausted.

There were times at the end of the day that she just went home and collapsed in bed.  She felt physically and emotionally depleted, but she told no one, not even her close friends, that she felt burnt out (Managing Your Stress: What Are the Signs of Burnout?).

After several months at this pace, Toni found it harder and harder to keep up her facade of being happy all the time.

There were times when she couldn't contain her tears and she closed the door to her office to cry.  Then, she would wipe her eyes, open her door, and go back out trying to appear cheerful.

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

But the exhaustion soon took it's toll, and Toni began getting headaches.

When she saw her doctor and he ruled out any serious medical problems, he told her that he suspected that she was under too much stress and she would soon burn out if she didn't make changes to her lifestyle.

Her doctor recommended that Toni use stress management techniques, like meditation, to reduce her stress.

Toni tried to follow her doctor's recommendations.  She got meditation recordings, including mindfulness meditation, and tried to listen to these recordings at least once a day, as her doctor recommended.  He also told her to come back to see him in a month.

But whenever she listened to the meditation recordings, she would break down crying, and she didn't know why.  So, she stopped listening to the meditation recordings, and when she went back to her doctor and told him about her reaction, he recommended that she see a psychotherapist.

Toni had never been in therapy before, and she told her doctor, "I'm not a weak person.  Why should I go to therapy?"

So, her doctor, who was informed about psychotherapy, told her that it was a myth that going to therapy meant that you're a "weak person" and he also went over the other common myths about psychotherapy (see my articles:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak", Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time, and Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action").

Toni thought about her doctor's advice.  She had friends who were in therapy and who told her that they were helped by therapy, so she decided to give it a try.

During her initial consultation with her psychotherapist, Toni told her about how she was crying and she didn't know why.  She told her therapist that everyone considered her to be a happy, cheerful, successful person, but sometimes she felt like a "phony" because when she was alone, if she wasn't keeping herself busy and distracted, she felt sad.

As Toni and her therapist talked about her childhood background in subsequent sessions, Toni told her that her parents always discouraged Toni from complaining.  Her mother would encourage her to smile, and her father would tell her, "Nobody likes a sad sack."

So, whenever anything bothered Toni, she would ignore it and try to overcome the problem as best as she could.  She never talked to her parents about her problems because she knew that they would lecture her about complaining (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

She also described how, over time, she became a perfectionist.  She tried to do everything "perfectly" and "perfect" became her only option.  Her perfectionism was rewarded at school, in college and in her career (see my article: Perfect vs. "Good Enough").

As she continued to talk about her underlying sadness and her need to be "perfect," Toni became more attuned to her underlying feelings.  She realized that she really wasn't happy--she was depressed and she was trying to hide it from herself and others because she felt guilty about feeling depressed, "I have no reason to be depressed" (see my article: Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed).

Her therapist spoke to Toni about how shame is often the underlying issue underneath perfectionism, and Toni was able to identify with her feelings of shame that she was really less than "perfect" (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism and The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

Her therapist also spoke to Toni about the "false self" vs the "true self" and how at an early age children can learn to put on a facade to appear to be happy when they're not (see my articles:  Understanding the False Self - Part 1, Understanding the False Self - Part 2, and Becoming Your True Self).

In addition, her therapist spoke to Toni about depression and helped Toni to differentiate between feeling sad and feeling depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Toni began to realize that, once she started pretending to be happy as a child, she became disconnected from her real feelings, and this continued into adulthood.

It was only after she felt the emotional and physical strain of taking on too much and trying to appear happy when she wasn't feeling happy that she started to break down crying.  She realized now that the cumulative effect was too much for her.

Toni felt relieved to have a time and place in therapy to be able to discover how she really felt.  She also appreciated that her therapist was objective and nonjudgmental.

As she continued to work through the childhood emotional neglect and the pressure to appear happy, she began to feel more genuinely herself (see my article: Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values).

Rather than trying to be cheerful all the time with her friends, when her depressive symptoms were most acute, she spoke to her close friends about it, which was a relief.

The authenticity that Toni felt helped her to deal with the underlying issues that she had been avoiding all along.

Feeling authentic, rather than pretending to be happy, gave Toni an overall sense of well-being as she worked through her depression in therapy.

Conclusion
It's physically and emotionally exhausting to pretend to feel happy when you don't.

The strain of trying to appear happy on the outside when you feel broken on the inside usually catches up with you at some point.  The stress involved can cause medical problems.  And if you're already depressed, it can exacerbate your depression.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being able to let go of the need to appear happy all the time is letting go of a huge burden (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and The Courage to Change).

Not only does letting go of this burden help you to reduce your stress, you can also learn to feel authentic without the disconnect between your outer appearance and your inner world.

If the issues in this article resonate with you, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients get to the root of their need to appear happy when they were feeling deeply unhappy inside.  Free of this need to appear happy, they could go on to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" and "I Won't"

Understanding the difference between "I can't" and "I won't" is often the key to successfully making lasting changes in your life.  While "I can't" means you're not capable of doing it, "I won't" implies a choice--in other words, you're not willing to do it (see my article: Fear of Making Changes, Making Changes: Are You Creating Obstacles For Yourself Without Even Realizing It? and Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence).

Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" and "I Won't"

Often, when people really mean "I won't," they say, "I can't."

For instance, when someone, who he wants to give up smoking, says, "I can't," he's saying that he thinks it will be too hard for him to do it so he chooses not to do.  Although he might not see it that way, if his psychotherapist explored the meaning of "I can't," it usually comes down to choosing not to do it (see my article: Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker).

While it's understandable that change can be scary, when you say, "I can't" it tends to foreclose any discussion about the obstacles that are getting in the way.  Whereas if you say, "I won't do it because I'm afraid that I'll fail" or "I won't do it because I'm too ashamed to admit that it's a problem," that leaves an opening for an exploration of the internal obstacles getting in the way.

The Clinical Implications of "I Can't" and "I Won't" in Psychotherapy

People often come to therapy because they want to make a change in their life.  Usually, they've tried on their own to make changes, but they run into obstacles.

Even though many people begin psychotherapy because they want to make changes, once there is a possibility for change, they often experience ambivalence because there are core issues that need to be addressed that are getting in the way.

If fear and shame are involved, and they often are, an inner conflict develops between the desire to change and the desire to remain the same and not work through the necessary obstacles to be able to change.  

The other possibility, when faced with fear and shame, is that the status quo begins to look good to the client for a while ("Maybe things aren't so bad in my life after all") until the client realizes, once again, that he really needs to change.

At that point, the client's psychotherapist can help the client, if the client is willing, to face the internal obstacles to making the change.  If the client isn't willing to explore his ambivalence, he might leave therapy prematurely (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

Let's take a look at a fictional vignette which illustrates these dynamics in therapy:

Ed

After Ed's father died, he became a compulsive gambler as a way to distract himself from his grief (see my article: Overcoming Grief Gambling).

His gambling began with March Madness and quickly progressed to other sports (see my article: Compulsive Gamblers: Beware of March Madness).

At first, when basketball season ended and he began betting on baseball games, he told himself that he would stop gambling at the end of the baseball season.  Then baseball season came and went and he was gambling on football games, and he continued to bargain with himself about stopping.

When the bookmaker refused to take any more bets from Ed because Ed owed him money, Ed got panicky.

Without the highs and lows of gambling as a distraction from his grief, he felt overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness, and this was a "wake up call" for Ed.  He knew he needed help, so he contacted a therapist who specialized in addiction.

Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" and "I Won't"

During the initial consultation, Ed told his psychotherapist that he knew he needed to stop gambling because he was in debt for thousands of dollars and he didn't want to get any further in debt.

At that point, Ed didn't make the connection between his gambling and his fear of facing his grief over his father's death.  He only knew that he couldn't go on gambling and getting more and more in debt.

When Ed and his psychotherapist talked about when the gambling started, Ed told her that he gambled a little when he was in high school, but nothing compared to his current level of gambling.

As they traced back the origin of his compulsive gambling, Ed was able to see that it began soon after his father died.  Reluctantly, he began to put the pieces together, and he understood that he used gambling as a way to distract himself from his grief.

His therapist recommended that, in addition to coming to therapy, he also attend Gamblers Anonymous groups (G.A.), but Ed didn't think this was necessary.  He told his therapist that he would "just stop."  He believed, "I can stop whenever I want to."

Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" and "I Won't"

His therapist decided, at that point, not to challenge Ed or insist on G.A.  She told him that they could see how he did with coming to therapy and not attending G.A.

Ed managed not to gamble for the first week, but he felt overwhelmed by anxiety and sadness, so since his bookmaker refused to take his bets until Ed paid off his debt, he told himself that he would "just place one more bet" on an Internet poker site using his credit card.

After placing the first bet, Ed felt he still had his gambling compulsion "under control," so he placed another bet and another--until he was gambling online nearly every day.

Although he felt ashamed about it, he knew that if he wasn't honest with his therapist, he would be wasting his time in therapy, so he admitted that he was now gambling online nearly everyday.

His therapist explained the brain chemistry involved with gambling and other forms of addiction and why continuing to gamble would make it that much harder to stop.

His therapist recommended that they work on coping skills so that Ed could manage his urges.  She also recommended that he identify the triggers that made him want to gamble.

Ed knew that he had a problem tolerating his anxiety and sadness related to his father's death.  Until now, he didn't realize the magnitude of his gambling problem and what it would take to overcome his problem.

He agreed to practice mindfulness meditation at least once a day, but he didn't follow through with his commitment.  Instead, he gave into his urge to gamble, telling himself each time, "This will be the last time."

When he returned to see his psychotherapist, Ed acknowledged that he didn't listen to any of the mindfulness recordings that he downloaded on his phone.

He also admitted that he was still gambling, and he was beginning to feel hopeless about overcoming his gambling addiction.   He asked his therapist, "Isn't there any easier way?" (see my articles: Beyond the Band Aid Approach in Therapy).

His therapist recommended that Ed come twice a week to therapy, attend G.A. meetings and get a sponsor in G.A.  She also explained to Ed that, when he was ready, they could work on the underlying trigger, the grief that he was avoiding.

In addition, she discussed how, if he followed her recommendations, he would probably be able to build up his tolerance for his uncomfortable feelings so they would no longer feel intolerable to him (see my article:  Expanding Your Window of Tolerance in Therapy to Overcome Emotional Problems).

At that point, Ed threw up his hands and told his therapist, "I can't.  I can't do this."

When his therapist explained the difference between "I can't" and "I won't," at first, Ed continued to maintain that he couldn't do what needed to be done to overcome his gambling addiction.

But as they continued to explore whether he was really incapable of overcoming his gambling addition or he was unwilling to give it up, Ed reluctantly admitted that he was unwilling.

At that point, his therapist and Ed had a basis to discuss his unwillingness to give up gambling and unwillingness to deal with his grief.

Over time, the more Ed talked to his therapist about his emotional struggles, the more he was able to see that he was creating obstacles for himself.  So, he followed his therapist's recommendations to practice mindfulness meditation every day, he began attending G.A. meetings, and he obtained a sponsor.

After attending a G.A. meeting, Ed told his therapist that he was surprised to discover how many people were in a similar predicament specifically related to grief gambling.  When he heard other people in G.A. speak about their guilt, shame and overwhelming sadness, he understood what they were talking about.

Gradually, Ed began to talk to his therapist about his grief.  At first, he was afraid that he would be overwhelmed, but he was surprised to discover that he actually felt better after he talked about it.

Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" and "I Won't"

As Ed dealt with his unresolved mourning in therapy, he felt no desire to gamble.  He paid off his debts and even began to save money.

Over time, Ed was also able to see that he used the idea of "I can't" as a way to avoid dealing with his uncomfortable feelings.  Now he could see the difference between "I can't" and "I won't" and it was an important lesson in other areas of his life.

Conclusion
Even when people really want to change and they come to therapy to get help with making a change, ambivalence often sets in as the process begins (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

At that point, they're likely to say, "I can't" when they really mean "I won't."

Although making a change can be scary, it's a conscious choice and, by the same token, so is not making a change.

Fear and shame are usually the underlying obstacles as to why people are unwilling to take the necessary steps to change.

This is especially common for people who grew up in a family where they didn't have the emotional support they needed when faced with difficulties as a child.

On an unconscious level, they fear that they will be as overwhelmed by emotion as they were as children, but this is rarely the case.  For one thing, as an adult, there is a greater capacity to tolerate emotions (as compared to when they were children).  And, for another thing, as an adult, they have the wherewithal to ask for help.

Making a change that's challenging is often a gradual process:  One step forward and two steps back.     Along the way, there are usually setbacks before you succeed (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Psychotherapy on the Road to Healing).

Getting  Help in Therapy
It takes courage to make a major change (see my article: Developing the Courage to Change).

There are some changes that feel so daunting that you might need help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If you've been struggling on your own to make a change in your life, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping people to overcome obstacles to change (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist)

Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life, and getting help from a skilled psychotherapist could make all the difference between making a successful change or not.

The choice is yours.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the obstacles that were getting in the way of making a major change in their life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.