What is Trauma-Related Masking?

Masking is a trauma-related response where individuals hide their true personality, feelings or behavior and mimic others as a maladaptive coping strategy to present a false self.

Trauma-Related Masking

One of the problems with masking, which is also known as social camouflage, is that it creates a disconnect from an individual's true self or genuine self. 

Another problem is that it doesn't allow for genuine connections with others.

Why Causes Trauma Masking?

Childhood trauma can create deeply rooted feelings of:

• Fear
• Shame
  
• Guilt
• A sense of being unworthy or being unlovable

Masking these and other feelings temporarily helps individuals to deal with social situations where they feel too much stress and anxiety to be themselves. 

What Does Masking Look Like?

Masking can include some or all of the following:

• Suppressing feelings
• Hiding aspects of one's personality
• Trying to mimic other people to act in a way that they think is acceptable to others

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how an individual with a traumatic history uses masking and how trauma therapy can help.

Jane

When Jane left her parents' home to go to college, she felt anxious about meeting new people in college.

Throughout elementary school, middle school and junior high school, Jane only had one or two friends who made an effort to befriend her. She never invited any of these friends home because her father was usually drunk and her mother was depressed so Jane felt too ashamed to allow anyone into her home.

When she met her roommates at college, Jane felt too self conscious to allow her guard down so she tried to imitate their way of speaking and behaving because she believed this is what she had to do to be accepted.

Trauma-Related Masking

Then, one day one of the roommates, Rita, told Jane she realized that Jane was uncomfortable. She told Jane she wanted to have a genuine friendship with her, but she felt Jane wasn't being herself and she encouraged her to be herself.

At first, Jane pretended she didn't know what Rita was talking about. But a couple of weeks later, Jane confided in Rita that she had been pretending and she felt disconnected from herself for so long that she wasn't even sure who she was anymore. 

Soon after that Jane decided to see one of the counselors in the student counseling unit and the counselor was able to help Jane to cope with her anxiety and shame.  She also helped Jane to get help from a trauma therapist off campus.

The trauma therapist got a detailed family history from Jane and asked her about her goals for therapy. Jane told her that she was tired of trying to hide who she was and she wanted to learn to feel comfortable with herself.

Her therapist explained the concept of masking and this explanation resonated with Jane.  She realized she had been pretending to be someone else her whole life because she was afraid people wouldn't like her. 

Her therapist worked with Jane by helping her to feel emotionally safe in therapy and they didn't start to process Jane's traumatic history until Jane felt prepared to do the work (see my article: Why Establishing Emotional Safety is Essential in Trauma Therapy).

When Jane was ready, she and her therapist used EMDR Therapy and Somatic Experiencing to help Jane to process her traumatic history.

The work wasn't quick or easy but, over time, Jane began to feel like herself. She no longer felt the need to pretend to be someone else. She gradually let her guard down and she realized that people liked her for who she really was and not who she was pretending to be. 

Even more important, Jane accepted herself for who she really was and she felt good about it.

How to Overcome Trauma-Related Masking

• Self Awareness: Self awareness is the first step to overcoming trauma-related masking (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness?).

Overcoming Trauma-Related Masking

• Self Compassion and Self Acceptance: Self compassion can be challenging due to shame, fear and guilt, but it's a necessary step on the way to healing trauma (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Trauma Therapy: Trauma-related masking is difficult to overcome on your own, so getting help in trauma therapy is an important part of healing.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Hiding behind a mask can be emotionally exhausting and lonely.

As mentioned earlier, you're not just emotionally disconnected from others, you become emotionally disconnected from yourself.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma so you no longer feel the need to mask your true self.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional to free yourself from your traumatic history and live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

Looking happy on the outside, but feeling broken on the inside is a common experience for people who are depressed but who want to appear as if nothing is wrong (see my article: How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

In many cases, it's not just a matter of putting on a facade for other people--people who smile on the outside but actually feel depressed are also often attempting to convince themselves that there's nothing wrong.  They use the happy outer expression as a defense mechanism to hide their depression from themselves as well as from others.

In other cases, people, who might be out of touch with their feelings, are unaware that they feel depressed.  But, at times, they might notice that there's a disconnect between how they appear to others and what they feel inside.

When they do sense their depression, they often brush it off, so the disconnect between how they appear and how they feel deep down is maintained.

The old saying, "You can't judge a book by it's cover" applies to this problem.  The person who gives the impression of being the happiest might be the person who is really dying inside.

Let's take a look at a fictional clinical vignette that illustrates these issues:

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside:

Toni
Toni was considered a "dynamo" by her friends and colleagues.  She had a dynamic presence among colleagues and friends.  She headed up new projects at work with gusto, mentored new colleagues with enthusiasm, and she often entertained friends at home.

She was always smiling, laughing and cheerful, offering valuable advice and encouragement.  No one would ever know that she felt broken inside.

When she was alone, Toni felt restless and irritable.  She didn't like to have free time because the sadness that was welling up inside her threatened to overtake her emotionally, so she always found things to do to keep herself busy and distracted (see my article: Are You "Keeping Busy" to Avoid Painful Emotions?)

At 32, she was on track to get a promotion to a senior position at work, and she was taking on more and more responsibilities from her director.  As the work piled on and her personal schedule got busier, she was beginning to feel exhausted.

There were times at the end of the day that she just went home and collapsed in bed.  She felt physically and emotionally depleted, but she told no one, not even her close friends, that she felt burnt out (Managing Your Stress: What Are the Signs of Burnout?).

After several months at this pace, Toni found it harder and harder to keep up her facade of being happy all the time.

There were times when she couldn't contain her tears and she closed the door to her office to cry.  Then, she would wipe her eyes, open her door, and go back out trying to appear cheerful.

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

But the exhaustion soon took it's toll, and Toni began getting headaches.

When she saw her doctor and he ruled out any serious medical problems, he told her that he suspected that she was under too much stress and she would soon burn out if she didn't make changes to her lifestyle.

Her doctor recommended that Toni use stress management techniques, like meditation, to reduce her stress.

Toni tried to follow her doctor's recommendations.  She got meditation recordings, including mindfulness meditation, and tried to listen to these recordings at least once a day, as her doctor recommended.  He also told her to come back to see him in a month.

But whenever she listened to the meditation recordings, she would break down crying, and she didn't know why.  So, she stopped listening to the meditation recordings, and when she went back to her doctor and told him about her reaction, he recommended that she see a psychotherapist.

Toni had never been in therapy before, and she told her doctor, "I'm not a weak person.  Why should I go to therapy?"

So, her doctor, who was informed about psychotherapy, told her that it was a myth that going to therapy meant that you're a "weak person" and he also went over the other common myths about psychotherapy (see my articles:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak", Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time, and Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action").

Toni thought about her doctor's advice.  She had friends who were in therapy and who told her that they were helped by therapy, so she decided to give it a try.

During her initial consultation with her psychotherapist, Toni told her about how she was crying and she didn't know why.  She told her therapist that everyone considered her to be a happy, cheerful, successful person, but sometimes she felt like a "phony" because when she was alone, if she wasn't keeping herself busy and distracted, she felt sad.

As Toni and her therapist talked about her childhood background in subsequent sessions, Toni told her that her parents always discouraged Toni from complaining.  Her mother would encourage her to smile, and her father would tell her, "Nobody likes a sad sack."

So, whenever anything bothered Toni, she would ignore it and try to overcome the problem as best as she could.  She never talked to her parents about her problems because she knew that they would lecture her about complaining (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

She also described how, over time, she became a perfectionist.  She tried to do everything "perfectly" and "perfect" became her only option.  Her perfectionism was rewarded at school, in college and in her career (see my article: Perfect vs. "Good Enough").

As she continued to talk about her underlying sadness and her need to be "perfect," Toni became more attuned to her underlying feelings.  She realized that she really wasn't happy--she was depressed and she was trying to hide it from herself and others because she felt guilty about feeling depressed, "I have no reason to be depressed" (see my article: Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed).

Her therapist spoke to Toni about how shame is often the underlying issue underneath perfectionism, and Toni was able to identify with her feelings of shame that she was really less than "perfect" (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism and The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

Her therapist also spoke to Toni about the "false self" vs the "true self" and how at an early age children can learn to put on a facade to appear to be happy when they're not (see my articles:  Understanding the False Self - Part 1, Understanding the False Self - Part 2, and Becoming Your True Self).

In addition, her therapist spoke to Toni about depression and helped Toni to differentiate between feeling sad and feeling depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Toni began to realize that, once she started pretending to be happy as a child, she became disconnected from her real feelings, and this continued into adulthood.

It was only after she felt the emotional and physical strain of taking on too much and trying to appear happy when she wasn't feeling happy that she started to break down crying.  She realized now that the cumulative effect was too much for her.

Toni felt relieved to have a time and place in therapy to be able to discover how she really felt.  She also appreciated that her therapist was objective and nonjudgmental.

As she continued to work through the childhood emotional neglect and the pressure to appear happy, she began to feel more genuinely herself (see my article: Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values).

Rather than trying to be cheerful all the time with her friends, when her depressive symptoms were most acute, she spoke to her close friends about it, which was a relief.

The authenticity that Toni felt helped her to deal with the underlying issues that she had been avoiding all along.

Feeling authentic, rather than pretending to be happy, gave Toni an overall sense of well-being as she worked through her depression in therapy.

Conclusion
It's physically and emotionally exhausting to pretend to feel happy when you don't.

The strain of trying to appear happy on the outside when you feel broken on the inside usually catches up with you at some point.  The stress involved can cause medical problems.  And if you're already depressed, it can exacerbate your depression.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being able to let go of the need to appear happy all the time is letting go of a huge burden (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and The Courage to Change).

Not only does letting go of this burden help you to reduce your stress, you can also learn to feel authentic without the disconnect between your outer appearance and your inner world.

If the issues in this article resonate with you, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients get to the root of their need to appear happy when they were feeling deeply unhappy inside.  Free of this need to appear happy, they could go on to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

Most contemporary psychotherapists today agree that intellectual insight alone isn't enough to repair traumatic experiences.  Many of them would agree that a corrective emotional experience in therapy can go a long way to healing trauma and is a much more transformative experience for clients than developing intellectual insight alone (see my articles: Experiential Therapy Can Lead to Emotional Breakthroughs and The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative For the Client).

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?
The concept of the corrective emotional experience in therapy was developed by Franz Alexander and Thomas M. French.

The corrective emotional experience in therapy occurs when the client has an experience with the therapist that challenges old distorted beliefs and perceptions.

For instance, if a man grew up with an emotionally abusive or neglectful mother, he might have the distorted belief that "all women are abusive and neglectful, and they can't be trusted."

If this same man comes to therapy and he experiences a woman therapist as being empathetic, warm and trustworthy, he is having an experience with his therapist that challenges his belief about women.    He is now having a new experience that he and his therapist can explore further in therapy.

In other words, he is having a corrective emotional experience that can be healing for him and help him to grow.

A Fictionalized Vignette as an Example of the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy

Sam
As an only child, Sam grew up with parents who were preoccupied with their own lives and who didn't have much time for Sam.

Sam spent most of his time with his nanny, who provided basic care, but who wasn't especially warm or caring.

Even before Sam was born, his parents knew that they wanted a child who would eventually follow in his father's footsteps.  Sam's father had his own law firm, and he expected that any child of his would eventually join the firm.

From an early age, Sam was aware of his parents' wishes.  Although he loved to paint and he wanted to be an artist, he hid his passion for painting from his parents because he knew they would disapprove.  This made Sam feel invisible to his parents (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

Instead of showing his parents how passionately he loved to paint, he pretended that he wanted to be an attorney because he knew this was the only way that his parents would approve of him.

Whenever his parents talked to him about law school, Sam would pretend that he was interested and his parents were happy and praised him.  But hiding such an important part of himself and pretending to be someone that he wasn't made Sam feel ashamed, guilty, lonely and a fraud (see my articles: Understanding the False Self: Part 1 and Understanding the False Self - Part 2: Getting Help in Therapy).

As a result of pretending to be what his parents wanted him to be, Sam believed that no one would accept him for who he is and, if he wanted to get along in the world, he would need to pretend to be someone else.

Throughout law school, Sam felt depressed.  He did well academically because he was smart, but his heart wasn't in it.

Sam's parents never seemed to notice that Sam was unhappy.

Sam felt that his parents didn't see him for himself at all and had no idea who he really was.  They only cared that he gratified their wishes.

After he joined his father's law firm, Sam was miserable.  He hated the work and didn't feel suited for it.  He longed to paint and to be his own person.

Beyond casually dating, Sam avoided getting into a relationship because he didn't believe that any woman could appreciate him for who he really was.

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

When it became too much of an emotional strain, Sam began therapy.

At first, Sam was afraid to express his true desire to become an artist.  He feared that his therapist would be like his parents and would show disdain for his passion.

But one day when he was talking about how miserable he was as a lawyer, his therapist asked him what he would really like to do, and Sam took a risk and told her that he loved to paint and he had always wanted to be an artist, but he feared displeasing his parents.  At that point, he discovered that his therapist worked with many different kinds of artists, and he was relieved.

This discussion opened up a much larger discussion for many sessions about how Sam believed that no one could really care for him as he really is and he needed to pretend to be someone else (see my article: Overcoming the Fear that People Won't Like You If They Knew the Real You).

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

As Sam opened up more with his therapist, he sensed her compassion and genuine interest in him and his passion for painting and this allowed him to be more open and vulnerable with her (see my article: Why is Empathy Important in Psychotherapy? and The Holding Environment in Therapy: Maintaining a Safe Therapeutic Environment For the Client).

As they talked about what it was like for Sam to experience a caring, open and compassionate individual who was genuinely interested in Sam for who he really is--rather than who he thought he had to pretend to be--Sam had an emotional breakthrough.  This was his corrective emotional experience and he realized that his belief that no one could ever accept his true self was a distortion.

Sam mourned in therapy for what he didn't get from his parents.  He also continued to allow himself to be genuine and vulnerable with his therapist, which was emotionally healing.

Eventually, not withstanding his parents' disapproval, Sam began a Master in Fine Arts program to pursue his love of painting.

He also began dating and felt for the first time that he might meet a woman who would care for him as his true self (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

Conclusion
Corrective emotional experiences can occur in therapy when the therapist is empathetic and can provide the client with a new healing experience that challenges distorted beliefs and perceptions.

In order to experience the corrective emotional experience, the client must feel safe enough with the therapist to have a new experience.  For some people, who are severely traumatized, it might take a while to trust the therapist enough to allow this experience to occur.

The corrective emotional experience is a transformative experience for the client and opens up the possibility for big changes and psychological growth.

Getting Help in Therapy
Traumatic childhood experiences are difficult to overcome on your own.

As a result of those traumatic experiences, you might have developed certain beliefs and perceptions about yourself and others that are distorted.

Psychotherapy with a skilled therapist, who knows how to provide a safe and trusting therapeutic environment, can lead to a corrective emotional experience that can transform your life.

Rather than allowing distorted beliefs perceptions to limit your sense of yourself and others, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you overcome these obstacles.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I provide an empathetic and supportive therapeutic environment for clients to allow them to have emotional breakthroughs in therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming Your True Self

Discovering who you are can be a lifelong process, especially since everyone changes over time.  In prior articles, I wrote about the false self from Donald Winnicott's perspective and about living a meaningful life (see my articles: Understanding Your False Self - Part 1,  Understanding Your False Self - Part 2, A Search For a Meaningful Life, A Happy Life vs A Meaningful Life and Becoming the Person You Want to Be).  In this article, I'm focusing on how to become your true self.

Becoming Your True Self

There is so much pressure these days to conform to social norms that you might not feel comfortable with, and by conforming to these social norms, you can develop a false or inauthentic self.

What is the True Self?
Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, identified the true self as being spontaneous, creative and alive (see my article: Recapturing Your Sense of Aliveness).

Developing a true self is a journey and that you develop over time.  There's no such thing as having "arrived" at developing a true self because, as I mentioned before, it can be a lifelong process.

By discovering who you are and living authentically and consistently with your values, you will have more of a sense of well-being.

There's no one way to achieve authenticity (see my article: Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values), but here are some suggestions that might be helpful to you:

Suggestions For Developing Your True Self

• Keep a Journal: In prior articles, I've written about the importance of keeping a journal.  When you keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings, over time, you learn about what's important to you and what makes you feel authentic.  Keeping a journal allows you to have a dialogue with your deeper self (see my articles: Keeping a Gratitude Journal, Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety, and Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life).

• Spend Time in Self Reflection: Rather than keeping yourself busy every moment of the day, take some time to yourself and think about how your past and your current situations affect who you are.  Mindfulness meditation can be very helpful to keep you grounded and to develop insight into yourself and the world around you (see my articles: How to Connect With the Quiet Place Within Yourself and Creating Time For Self Reflection: Mindfulness).

• Talk to Loved Ones Who Are Also Developing a More Authentic Self: When you talk to others who are also trying to live more authentically, you develop insights into your own struggles.  You can also feel supported and cared about by people who are going through a similar stage.

• Read Inspirational Literature About Authenticity: By reading stories about people who have learned to develop a true self or who have struggled with issues around authenticity, you can feel inspired in your own journey.  This includes both fiction and nonfiction (see my article: Reading Literature and the Positive Effects on the Brain).

• Ask Yourself: What is My Purpose in Life?  This is another area that changes over time as you change.  Asking yourself what your purpose in life is helps you to live in a purposeful way rather than just drifting from one day to the next.  When you live your life with intention, your goals will most likely fall into place because you have an overarching purpose and all major decisions will be made to serve that purpose (see my article: Starting the Day With an Intention).

It's not easy to know if you're living as your true self.  It takes time and effort to think about what's important to you and how you will achieve authenticity.  

Even after you identify your core values, you might feel conflicted and ambivalent about your values.

You might be afraid of disappointing people in your life who might have a different vision for you.  It takes courage to stand up for what feels true and right for you.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

We all have certain unconscious blind spots and it's usually very challenging to discover your authentic self on your own.  

Usually, people come up against the same blocks over and over again and they only get so far on their own.  

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles, both conscious and unconscious, that are getting in the way of becoming your true self (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

While we're all human and none of us can always be our true self, when you live aligned with your values and what's most important to you, you will feel more fulfilled in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many clients to live more authentically.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Understanding the False Self - Part 2: Getting Help in Therapy

As I mentioned in the first part of this article, Understanding the False Self, the false self is a phenomenon that develops early in life for some children, usually in response to the demands of dysfunctional family.

Understanding the False Self: Getting Help in Therapy 

Unable to reveal his genuine self, the child learns to ward off emotional or even physical reprisals by appeasing the family and being who they want him to be.

As I stated in the prior article, this is an unconscious defense mechanism that is adaptive in terms surviving emotionally in a dysfunctional family.  But as the child becomes an adult and forms other adult relationships, this defense mechanism is no longer adaptive.  It gets in the way  of the adult knowing what he truly feels and will often keep others at a distance because they sense that he isn't being genuine.

The adult who has a false self defense mechanism usually comes into therapy when either he feels alienated from himself (i.e., he realizes that he's cut off from his feelings) or someone close to him, either a girlfriend or a spouse, complain that she feels unable to get close to him emotionally.

How Therapy Can Help a Client to Overcome a False Self
In my prior article, I mentioned that the therapist, who is helping a client to overcome a false self so he can live more authentically, must work in a way that is gentle and tactful.

Of course, tact and a certain gentleness is required with many clients, but the client who comes in with a false self presentation, even a highly motivated client, usually has a strong underlying fear of letting go of the false self defense mechanism that helped him to survive early in life.

A Client Might Be Afraid to Let Go of the False Self Defense Mechanism

So, even more than usual, a therapist must be especially attuned to what is going on with the client, who might not be aware himself of what he's feeling (see my article:  The Psychotherapist's Empathic Attunement).

Often, clients, who come to therapy after they recognize that they have a problem that is an obstacle in their lives, are in a hurry to "get rid of" the problem as quickly as possible.

While this is understandable, an experienced therapist knows that she must get to know the client before she delves too quickly or too deeply too fast.

A client, who has used a false self defense for all of his life, is often more emotionally vulnerable than he realizes because he has relied on this defense to survive.

Although most people are fairly resilient, a client with a false self defense can become too fearful of doing the work if the therapist proceeds too quickly.  Everything will depend upon the particular client and how strong the defenses are.  It's important that the therapist is empathically attuned to the client
Depending upon the client and what he feels comfortable with, I will often suggest a mind-body oriented approach to help him to begin to feel his genuine feelings.

Learning the Safe or Relaxing Place Meditation

I usually start with helping the client to develop the internal resources and coping strategies that he will need so that he will feel relatively safe in do the work in therapy.  This might include self soothing techniques, like the Safe or Relaxing Place Meditation or breathing techniques like Square Breathing as well as other coping strategies depending upon the client's needs.

I also encourage clients to keep a journal (see my article: Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

For many clients, it's a matter of helping them to connect to their feelings and where they feel those feelings in their body.

For clients who have strong defenses against feeling their emotions, they might experience a dissociation from their body and might not realize it until they come to therapy.

For instance, if the therapist notices that a client's legs appear tense, she might ask him to feel into his legs and notice what he's experiencing.  For clients who are especially dissociated from their bodies, they might not feel their legs at all.

Since it's always important for the therapist to start where the client is, if the client is dissociated from his body to the point where he is physically and emotionally numb, I often find that using Somatic Experiencing helps the client to reconnect to his body (see my article: Somatic Experiencing: Overcoming the Freeze Response).

So, for instance, if the client tells me that he can't feel his legs from the knees down, I would ask him to notice where he can feel his leg from the knee up.  If he notices that he can sense into his legs just above the knee, I would help him, using Somatic Experiencing, to bring feeling from above his knee to below his knee to help him to reconnect feeling to the dissociated part.

Helping a client to get comfortable with himself is an individual process (see my article: Learning to Feel Comfortable With Yourself).

One of the things that I really like about using a mind-body oriented approach in therapy is that it's easier to titrate the work to the needs of the individual client.

Along the way, the client usually needs to mourn for what he didn't get when he was younger and deal with the trauma of being part of a dysfunctional family.

What Keeps a Client Motivated to Continue to Do the Work in Therapy
Most clients come to therapy with varying degrees of ambivalence (see my article:  ).  This is understandable since change can feel frightening, even when it's a change that a client really wants.

A client with a false self as a defense mechanism might be more ambivalent than he realizes initially because he has relied on this particular defense mechanism, usually, for all of his life.  So, letting it go can feel be scary.

Learning in Therapy to Develop an Authentic Sense of Self

What motivates most people in this situation is that they gradually begin to feel a greater sense of authenticity within themselves and in their dealings with others.  Even though this sense of authenticity might come with fear, it can feel very freeing to be in touch with genuine feelings.  So, this will often motivate clients to stick with the work.

Getting Help in Therapy
Change can be challenging, but living your life detached from your emotions and with a defense wall around you to ward off fear usually leaves you feeling alienated from yourself as well as others.

If you feel you might be emotionally disconnected from yourself and others due to a false self defense mechanism, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Finding a psychotherapist that you feel comfortable with is very important (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Psychotherapy can help you to feel reconnect to your true self and to live in a more authentic and fulfilling way.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the False Self - Part 1

At times, all of us put on a front, to a certain extent, that is part of self preservation and that we use consciously to protect ourselves in situations where we can't be completely ourselves or say what's really on our mind.

Understanding the False Self

For instance, in certain situations, we need to be able to hide our feelings rather than put ourselves at risk.  Even though we might be masking our feelings externally from others, we still know what we actually feel inside.

In other situations, people, who have a low sense of self, might deliberately lie about who they are or what they have, as I discussed in my prior article, as a way to fit in or get others to admire them.

Understanding the False Self

As opposed to the front that we might consciously present in these situations or the deliberate lie to impress others, the false self that I'm referring to in this article usually develops unconsciously at an early age as a defense mechanism to survive emotionally in a dysfunctional family.

Usually, the child develops the false self at an early age in a family where the child can't be his (or her) genuine self because the family demands the child to behave in a different way.

The Development of the False Self at an Early Age

The term "false self" was originally coined by British psychoanalyst and pediatrician Donald Winnicott.

This unconscious construction of the false self by the child develops as a way to survive and to ward off the anxiety brought on by the emotional demands of a dysfunctional family.  The child knows on an unconscious level that to be accepted and loved in his family, he must behave in a way that is acceptable to the family.

If the child didn't develop the false self, the child would be overwhelmed emotionally.  The family would also probably retaliate against him by labeling him as the problem.

So, the development of the false self as a child is adaptive for the child's emotional survival.  Although it's adaptive for emotional survival, the development of the false self also comes at a great sacrifice to the child, who becomes more and more disconnected from his authentic self.

By the time the child becomes an adult, this false self, which is now so ingrained, unconscious and compulsive, is no longer adaptive and hampers his relationship with himself as well as with others outside the family.  The unconscious false self also stifles the growth of the authentic self.

The dysfunction in the family might be due to alcoholism, drug use, domestic violence or a family that has other family secrets.  The child learns to suppress his feelings in order to fit in and to not get attacked emotionally and, in some cases, physically.

It's not just a matter of the child not expressing his feelings.  The child learns to hide his feelings from himself, so that he reacts in ways that are considered acceptable to the family.  The longer he does this, the more out of touch he is from his own feelings.

People Who Have a False Self Often Have Problems in Relationships
As an adult interacting with other adults outside the family, the person who has a false self presentation usually develops problems in relationships.

While he was a child, the family encouraged him to maintain this false self for what they believe is the emotional survival of the family.  They would have felt threatened by the child who expressed anger at an alcoholic father or who even pointed out that there was anything wrong in the family because this type of family wants to keep up appearances that everything in "normal" within the family.

But an adult who is still maintaining a false sense of self, who is interacting with other adults, is bound to have problems because other adults can usually sense the lack of authenticity.

They might feel like the person with the false self presentation is deliberately trying to fool them in some way.  Or, others might say that the person seemed "nice," but it feels likes there's something "missing" in him.

If anyone were to confront this person that he was coming across as less than genuine, he would probably be surprised and wonder why this other person was criticizing him.  He might feel confused because he's just continuing to behave in a way that he always has and his actions are unconscious.

In romantic relationships, a partner or spouse might feel that she isn't getting to know this person very deeply or that he wasn't allowing her to get close to him emotionally.  And she's probably right because the false self hides the true self, and this is why the person with the false self comes across as inauthentic.

Getting Help in Therapy
People who have lived all their lives with a false self presentation often come to therapy when they're having problems in romantic relationships.  Their partners or spouses usually express feeling dissatisfied or alienated because the false self gets in the way of genuine feelings.

People, who have some insight into what's happening with them, will sometimes express feeling disconnected from their emotions or they feel like they're just going through the motions in life and they feel cut off from themselves and others.

Psychotherapists, who work with individuals who have this problem, must work in a tactful and gentle way because the person who has relied on a false self for all of his life usually comes to therapy in a highly vulnerable state.

Even if someone is feeling dissatisfied and longs to be more authentically connected to himself and others, this defense mechanism is ingrained and not easily given up.

The therapist helps the client, as he learns to gradually give up the false self presentation, to cope with the feelings that come up that were being warded off by the false self.

Getting Help in Therapy to Discover Your Authentic Self

This can be challenging, but being able to live authentically is ultimately a freeing experience and usually leads to a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy and Compassionate Self Acceptance

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have found that one of the major challenges for people who begin psychotherapy is overcoming their own critical and judgmental beliefs and assumptions about themselves. When I work with clients who have developed a harsh sense of self, I often begin by talking to them about how psychotherapy can help them to become more mindful, attuned and compassionate towards themselves.

Psychotherapy and Compassionate Self Acceptance

Low Self Esteem, Lack of Self Compassion and Self Acceptance, and the Development of the "False Self":
Many clients who begin psychotherapy to overcome low self esteem want to find a way to feel better about themselves. As their psychotherapy unfolds, often, what comes to light is that they have rejected parts of themselves that they have come to hate. Hate is a strong word, but it is usually apt for the type of self loathing that these clients have come to feel for parts of themselves over time.

This lack of self acceptance and self loathing is not always obvious to see at first. Sometimes, it manifests itself in a critical and judgmental attitude towards others. Other times, it shows itself through a need to be "perfect" themselves and to have others be "perfect." Very often, this self loathing and lack of compassion for oneself can be seen when people develop a "false self" when they are interacting with others.

Donald Winnicott and the "False Self"
Donald Winnicott, a British Object Relations psychoanalyst and pediatrician, was one of the first psychotherapists who developed a theory about the "false self."

In his developmental model of the "false self," Winnicott posits that, early on, when parenting is "good enough" a baby learns to relate to his or her primary caregiver in an authentic and loving way.

"Good enough" is the operative term here, since parenting can never be perfect and parents cannot always be perfectly attuned to their children.

However, according to Winnicott, when the primary caregiver (usually the mother) is sufficiently and lovingly attuned to the baby, the baby is usually able to thrive emotionally and, over time, learns to relate well to others as well as to him or herself. However, when the primary caregiver is unable to connect emotionally with the baby, either because he or she is depressed or for some other reason, the infant feels rejected and develops a "false self" to try to elicit the caregiver's love and attention.

People who have developed a "false self" often describe themselves as feeling "empty" or "hollow" and have difficulty relating to themselves as people who are worthy of love and compassion. They also often have difficulty relating to others because their own critical judgments and self loathing gets projected onto others: What they unconsciously cannot accept in themselves becomes intolerable when they sense these qualities in others.

So, over time, in psychotherapy, it becomes apparent that low esteem, depression, anxiety and other emotional problems are often connected to a lack of compassionate self acceptance for oneself and the development of a "false self." It may seem somewhat contradictory, but until you can accept the parts of yourself that you don't like, they're difficult to change.

The following is a vignette which represents a composite of several psychotherapy cases where a client has a "false self":

Carol:
Carol began psychotherapy because she felt that her life was "meaningless." She was in her mid-30s and she had never had a romantic relationship that lasted for more than a year. She described herself as feeling that she "existed" but she was "not really living." She could only express this feeling in the vaguest of terms, but the feeling was strong in her. Her emotional world felt flat--no passion, no real highs or lows.

Psychotherapy and Compassionate Self Acceptance

She worked as an attorney for a nonprofit social service agency, and her employer valued her work because she worked very hard advocating for the clients and often won her cases. However, even though she knew that she was highly esteemed in her organization, she could not feel good about herself at work or in any other part of her life.

In describing her childhood history, she emphasized that she felt she had good parents and she denied any abuse or big traumatic events. As such, she had a hard time understanding why she felt the way she did, "If my parents beat me, I could understand why I feel this way about myself, but they didn't, so there must be something very wrong with me."

It soon became apparent in psychotherapy that underneath that flat sense of meaninglessness, Carol had a strong sense of self loathing. Most of the time, she was able to push down those feelings of self hatred by working long hours and keeping herself distracted. However, as she talked about herself in a judgmental and critical way, it became evident that she lacked a sense of acceptance and compassion for herself.

She ran roughshod over herself with a sense of perfectionism and judgement that was truly soul crushing. No matter how much external praise she received from others, she never felt that anything she did was good enough. She spent a lot of time ruminating about what she perceived as her personal flaws or how she "could have done it better." She was her own worst taskmaster with standards that were unattainable.

In discussing her family history in more depth, it turned out that her parents, who were highly-regarded Ivy League college professors, were rather critical and emotionally distant with Carol. They provided her with everything that she needed on a material level, but they gave Carol the overarching message again and again that what they truly valued in her was her accomplishments in school. There was little sense that they valued her just as she was as a person.

Carol learned as a child that if she got very good grades and tried to be as "perfect" as she could, her parents would praise her efforts. But if she fell short in any way, as all of us do at some point or another because we're human, they found this intolerable.

Carol was also very aware that her mother, who stayed home with Carol until she was five years old and started school, had a lot of resentment about this. Her mother would have preferred to be teaching her classes and continuing her research than staying home with a helpless, dependent baby.

Carol had heard her mother lament many times about how the time she spent away from her field was detrimental to her career and that she was never able to regain the stature that she had prior to staying home with Carol.

Carol's father concurred with her mother about this. One can only surmise that Carol's mother's anger about her role as a mother probably did not allow her to be as emotionally attuned to Carol as an infant. And throughout Carol's childhood, neither parent demonstrated much emotional attunement for Carol as a child who deserved love for herself, without having to perform to their impossibly high standards.

Prior to starting psychotherapy, Carol had never questioned her parents' attitude towards her. The feeling that she was somehow to blame for her mother's lost professional opportunities and that she needed to perform to gain her parent's love and attention was so deeply ingrained at such a young age that it had become a strong part of Carol.

And even though her parents had somewhat mellowed as they aged and they no longer had such a punitive attitude towards Carol, it didn't matter because Carol had internalized their critical and judgmental attitude on such a deep and unconscious level that she was now doing it to herself.

Over time, Carol was able to see how she had developed a "false self" to please her parents. And even though this "false self" might have developed due to her parents lack of emotional attunement, she realized that it was now her responsibility, as an adult, to overcome the emotional obstacles that kept her from accepting herself just as she is.

It was a real challenge for her, but Carol began to question her harsh, punitive attitude towards herself. She mourned for the inner child part of herself who didn't get the unconditional love that she deserved.

She also began to learn to love that part of herself that she had learned to hate--the part that needed to be loved for herself and not for her "accomplishments." As she did this, she began to feel more authentic.

She no longer felt that she was performing a role or just going through the motions in her life. Life became richer and more meaningful as she became more emotionally attuned to herself. She also learned to forgive her parents and she developed better relationships with them as she recognized that they were no longer the punitive, emotionally withholding parents that she grew up with.

As they aged, they went through their own emotional transformation and she learned to relate to them as they are now and not how they were when she was a child.

As Carol became more compassionate and accepting towards herself, she felt better about herself.

Psychotherapy and Compassionate Self Acceptance

Accepting that she was human, she could make mistakes, she no longer needed to be "perfect," her self worth did not have to be based on her accomplishments, and that she deserved love, enabled her to open up others in an authentic way that she had never experienced before.

Eventually, she was able to open up to a relationship with a man who loved for her for herself, and they developed a healthy, loving and stable marriage.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are struggling with your own critical and judgmental beliefs and assumptions about yourself, you could benefit from participating in psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional. Although it can be a challenge, you can learn to develop a more self accepting and compassionate sense of self so you can improve your relationship with yourself and others.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I have helped many clients to develop a more self accepting and compassionate sense of self.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.