Becoming Your True Self

Discovering who you are can be a lifelong process, especially since everyone changes over time.  In prior articles, I wrote about the false self from Donald Winnicott's perspective and about living a meaningful life (see my articles: Understanding Your False Self - Part 1,  Understanding Your False Self - Part 2, A Search For a Meaningful Life, A Happy Life vs A Meaningful Life and Becoming the Person You Want to Be).  In this article, I'm focusing on how to become your true self.

Becoming Your True Self

There is so much pressure these days to conform to social norms that you might not feel comfortable with, and by conforming to these social norms, you can develop a false or inauthentic self.

What is the True Self?
Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, identified the true self as being spontaneous, creative and alive (see my article: Recapturing Your Sense of Aliveness).

Developing a true self is a journey and that you develop over time.  There's no such thing as having "arrived" at developing a true self because, as I mentioned before, it can be a lifelong process.

By discovering who you are and living authentically and consistently with your values, you will have more of a sense of well-being.

There's no one way to achieve authenticity (see my article: Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values), but here are some suggestions that might be helpful to you:

Suggestions For Developing Your True Self

• Keep a Journal: In prior articles, I've written about the importance of keeping a journal.  When you keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings, over time, you learn about what's important to you and what makes you feel authentic.  Keeping a journal allows you to have a dialogue with your deeper self (see my articles: Keeping a Gratitude Journal, Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety, and Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life).

• Spend Time in Self Reflection: Rather than keeping yourself busy every moment of the day, take some time to yourself and think about how your past and your current situations affect who you are.  Mindfulness meditation can be very helpful to keep you grounded and to develop insight into yourself and the world around you (see my articles: How to Connect With the Quiet Place Within Yourself and Creating Time For Self Reflection: Mindfulness).

• Talk to Loved Ones Who Are Also Developing a More Authentic Self: When you talk to others who are also trying to live more authentically, you develop insights into your own struggles.  You can also feel supported and cared about by people who are going through a similar stage.

• Read Inspirational Literature About Authenticity: By reading stories about people who have learned to develop a true self or who have struggled with issues around authenticity, you can feel inspired in your own journey.  This includes both fiction and nonfiction (see my article: Reading Literature and the Positive Effects on the Brain).

• Ask Yourself: What is My Purpose in Life?  This is another area that changes over time as you change.  Asking yourself what your purpose in life is helps you to live in a purposeful way rather than just drifting from one day to the next.  When you live your life with intention, your goals will most likely fall into place because you have an overarching purpose and all major decisions will be made to serve that purpose (see my article: Starting the Day With an Intention).

It's not easy to know if you're living as your true self.  It takes time and effort to think about what's important to you and how you will achieve authenticity.  

Even after you identify your core values, you might feel conflicted and ambivalent about your values.

You might be afraid of disappointing people in your life who might have a different vision for you.  It takes courage to stand up for what feels true and right for you.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

We all have certain unconscious blind spots and it's usually very challenging to discover your authentic self on your own.  

Usually, people come up against the same blocks over and over again and they only get so far on their own.  

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles, both conscious and unconscious, that are getting in the way of becoming your true self (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

While we're all human and none of us can always be our true self, when you live aligned with your values and what's most important to you, you will feel more fulfilled in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many clients to live more authentically.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Comfort Objects From Infancy Through Adulthood

In prior articles, I've discussed Donald Winnicott's contributions to the field of psychology (see my articles: The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy, Books: Tea With Winnicott at 87 Chester Square, Understanding the False Self and On Being Alone).  As a pediatrician and psychoanalyst, Winnicott also contributed the idea of the child's need for comfort objects (also called transitional objects).  But comfort objects are not only for babies--they play an important role throughout our lives.

When Donald Winnicott discussed transitional objects in the mid-20th century, there was little understanding of these concepts among pediatricians and mental health professionals.  The field of child psychology was still relatively new and many people saw children as little adults rather than children who had their own emotional and developmental needs.

According to Winnicott, the baby is comforted by an object, usually a blanket or a soft toy (like a teddy bear)) that is soothing to the baby to hold.

The transitional object helps to soothe the baby when the mother is not holding the baby.

These transitional objects also help the baby, as the baby is developing, to create a transitional space between the times when the baby is with the mother and other times when she is not.

As I mentioned before, transitional objects are usually associated with children, but we all benefit from having transitional objects throughout the life cycle.

Let's explore these concepts further in a fictionalized vignette:

Alan
As a baby, Alan liked to hold onto his favorite blanket as he was falling asleep.  Sometimes, his mother would watch him fall asleep while he was gently chewing on the blanket or a soft toy.

Comfort Objects From Infancy Through Adulthood

Whenever Alan's mother tried to take the blanket from him to wash it, Alan would cry so hard that she would give it back to him.

When she asked Alan's pediatrician about this, he told her that this is a common reaction that babies have at this stage.  He explained that the baby likes to hold, smell, and chew on the blanket (or whatever comfort object the baby prefers) and likes it just the way it is--smells and all.  So, he told her not to worry about it.

When Alan was about three years old, he had a teddy bear that was his comfort object.  He dragged that teddy bear all over the house with him.

When he was in his room, Alan would listen to his mother in the kitchen washing the dishes and talking to her friend.  At this stage of his development, it was enough for Alan to hear his mother and know that she was only a short distance away even though he couldn't see her.  He had his teddy bear to comfort him.

Alan did well when he started school.  He got along well with the other children and he really liked his teacher, Ms. Jones.

Towards the end of the school year, Ms. Jones began talking to the children about all the wonderful things they would learn next year.  She also told them that they would have a different teacher.

Until then, Alan hadn't thought about not being in the classroom with Ms. Jones and the idea of not being with her frightened him.

When he got home, he told his parents that he didn't want to go to the next grade because he wanted to remain with Ms. Jones.  His parents understood that this was a common reaction that children have, especially if they really like their first teacher, so they tried to comfort him by telling him that Ms. Jones would still be around and he would see her in school.

Ms. Jones also knew that Alan and many of the children in her class were unhappy about not having her as a teacher the following year, so they continued to talk about this in school.  She assured them that she would be around and told them where they could find her during the day.

On the last day of class, Ms. Jones took pictures with each student and allowed them to keep them.

Alan carried around his picture with Ms. Jones throughout the summer.  He also kept it in his shirt pocket on the first day of class.  Even though he missed Ms. Jones, he felt comforted by looking at the picture.

As Alan matured into a young adult, he made friends and he became more independent from his parents.  Although he continued to be close to his parents, he spent more time with his friends.

Like most people, Alan had other transitional objects throughout his lifetime.  After he graduated college, he wore his college ring.  And after his grandfather died, Alan wore his grandfather's watch.

Comfort Objects From Infancy Through Adulthood

Eventually, Alan got married.  His wife took a temporary assignment out of state for a few months.  Whenever he felt himself missing his wife, he would look at a picture of her that he kept on his nightstand and that helped him to feel a little better.

Conclusion
People use comfort objects, also known as transitional objects, throughout their lifetime.

Comfort objects help to soothe people during times of transition or stressful times.

A comfort object is a very personal thing and each individual will choose the objects that are most soothing to them.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or send me an email.

The Holding Environment in Therapy: Maintaining a Safe Environment for the Client

In a prior article, I began a discussion about the holding environment in therapy (see my article: The Creation of the Holding Environment in Therapy).  As I mentioned in that article, the idea that the psychotherapist creates a safe therapeutic holding environment for the client was developed by British psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott (for more on Winnicott, see my article: Books: "Tea With Winnicott" at 87 Chester Square).  In this article, I'm focusing on a particular aspect of the holding environment, which is the therapist's ability to keep the work emotionally manageable for the client.

The Holding Environment in Therapy

As an example, it's often the case that clients come to therapy because they're not feeling good about themselves.  This can be a lifelong problem or a new development for a client.  Either way, the client might focus on the aspects of himself that he is unhappy about and miss the fact that he has many strengths.

A skilled psychotherapist will usually see the client's strengths, even when the client is unaware of these strengths.  

The challenge for the psychotherapist is when to talk to the client about his strengths.

Timing is everything.  If the therapist brings up the client's strengths too early in therapy, the client, who has a particularly negative view of himself, will often minimize or dismiss the idea that he has these strengths (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

Some clients, who are focused on what they perceive as emotional deficits in themselves, might even think the therapist is being disingenuous when she tries to talk to them about their strengths (see my article: A Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy).  

In many cases, on an unconscious level, these clients are too afraid to consider the possibility that they have strengths.  Rather being overwhelmed by their fear, they protect themselves emotionally by remaining stuck in their denial.

It's important that the psychotherapist not interpret the client's reluctance as "resistance."  This comes across as judgmental.  It would only make the client feel uncomfortable and it's not helpful to the work.

If the therapist doesn't know how to handle the client's fear,  this could lead to the client leaving therapy prematurely to avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings (see my article:  When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

So, the skilled psychotherapist, who is aware that it would be premature to talk to the client about his strengths, must keep these observations to herself until the time is right.  This requires the therapist to be emotionally attuned to the client (see my article: The Psychotherapist's Empathic Attunement).

Even with self critical clients who are willing to explore the possibility that they have strengths, they might perceive their strengths on an intellectual level but not on a deeper emotional level.

For these clients, the therapist might broach the topic of the client's strengths, let the client know that she (the therapist) sees these qualities and will hold a space for them until the client can accept this on an emotional level.

This is a way for the therapist to create a safe holding environment for the client because the client knows that the therapist holds onto these observations until the client is ready.

Let's take a look at a fictional vignette that illustrates these points:

John

John had been in and out of therapy for many years.

He usually attended a few sessions with a therapist, and then he aborted therapy because he felt the therapist didn't understand him.

John struggled with depression, including low self esteem, since he was a child.  He grew up in a household where both parents were mostly preoccupied and paid little attention to John, who was an only child.

John's father often criticized him and told John that he would never amount to anything.  His father's critical comments were so frequent that John internalized them and, over time, believed them.  John's mother was depressed and withdrawn, and she was emotionally unavailable to him.

When he was in school, his teachers often told John that he had a lot of potential, but he was not trying.  From John's depressed perspective, he didn't see a reason to try since he believed his father that he wouldn't ever amount to anything.

As an adult, John drifted from one job to another.  Since he never expected to do well, he put little effort into his work, which resulted in disappointment for him.

John also had very low expectations about relationships.  He had a few close friends, but his romantic relationships didn't last beyond a few months.

He would go through long periods when he didn't even try to meet anyone, but then his loneliness caused him to try again with the same low expectations.  It was an ongoing cycle.

By the time John came to therapy again, he felt he was at a low point.  He was already in his mid-30s and he felt he had nothing to look forward to in his life.

The Holding Environment in Therapy

He told his current therapist at the start of therapy that he left his prior therapists because they were unable to see him as he was.  He felt that each of them saw him as they wanted him to be, which frustrated him.

He appreciated that his former therapists were "nice people" and they tried to speak to him about his personal strengths, but he didn't believe what they were saying.  He wasn't sure if they were mistaken or if they were intentionally trying to boost his confidence in a false way.  

Either way, whether the therapist was well-meaning but wrong or whether the therapist was only trying to boost his confidence and didn't really believe he had strengths, John found these discussions intolerable and he would abort therapy.

John's current therapist could see how self critical he was.  She also saw that he had many strengths.  But she also heard John loud and clear that he was unable to even consider that he had strengths, and she knew, based on what he was telling her, that if she tried to broach this with him, he would leave therapy, as he did in the past.  So she waited until he was ready.

Until then, his therapist remained attuned to John's experience and reflected back to him what he told her.  In doing this, she showed John that she understood how he felt about himself, and for the first time in his life, John felt that he was finally seeing a therapist who understood him.

In the meantime, his therapist held onto her perception of the many strengths she saw in John over time.  She waited until she saw a possible opening to explore this with him.

Gradually, as John felt more comfortable with his therapist, he opened up more with her, and she continued to let him know that she understood how he felt by mirroring back to him.

One day, John came to therapy in an agitated state.  He told his therapist that his new supervisor complimented John on a project.

John's first reaction was to get angry because he thought his supervisor was lying to him or he was trying to manipulate John in some way.

But as he thought about it, John said that he knew his supervisor wasn't a manipulative person, so he doubted that this was the reason for his compliment.  He said that maybe his supervisor was just trying to make him feel good--like some of John's prior therapists.  

Whatever the supervisor's intentions, John found it difficult to sit there and listen to his supervisor's compliments.  He said nothing to his supervisor but, for some reason, John realized, it brought up a lot of shame and sadness for him.

During the next several sessions, John continued to talk about this because his supervisor came to him again and told him that he really liked his work.  This continued to baffle John.

Over time, John became more open to exploring this issue and his own sadness and shame.  He was able to connect his negative feelings about himself to his critical father.

During that time, his therapist continued to maintain an open and empathetic stance with John, allowing John to draw his own conclusions (see my article: Why is Empathy Important in Therapy).

She knew that if she intervened prematurely, John would shut down emotionally and he might leave therapy.  She had to wait until he was ready.

Then, one day John came in and told his therapist that his supervisor took him to lunch.  John was surprised that he enjoyed talking to his supervisor over lunch.  He was also surprised to realize that his supervisor liked him and that his praise really was genuine.

As John opened up more emotionally in therapy, he allowed himself to feel his sadness about being a disappointment to his father.  He wished he could have had a father who was more like his supervisor--a kind and generous man.

As he continued to discuss this in therapy, John became aware that his father was a disappointed, bitter man, and his father didn't feel good about himself.

As he looked at his childhood from an adult perspective, he realized that his father was projecting his own negative feelings about himself onto John (see my article: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

This led to John questioning whether his father's perceptions about him were accurate, "Maybe I'm not such a loser after all.  What do you think?"

At that point, his therapist realized that John created a small opening for them to be able to discuss the possibility that he wasn't "a loser" and he might have positive qualities.  She also knew that this was a tentative opening that could shut down if she rushed in because John might get overwhelmed, so she had to be cautious.

His therapist said she observed positive qualities in him, and she explored with him whether he would be open to discussing this.  John responded by shifting in his seat and telling her that it felt uncomfortable but, at the same time, there was a part of him that wanted to talk about it.

Gradually, John was able to explore his feelings.  He trusted his therapist enough to know that she wasn't going to lie, hurt him or try to manipulate him.

His therapist relied on John to tell her whether their discussions about his strengths felt too uncomfortable, and he told his therapist when he felt uncomfortable.  In this way, his therapist was able to maintain an emotionally safe environment for John in their sessions.

The Holding Environment in Therapy

Over time, John developed the emotional tolerance to discuss seeing himself in a positive light.  This was new and scary for him at first, but he was starting to feel better about himself.

By being attuned to John, his therapist was able to provide him with feedback about his positive qualities in "manageable doses" for him.  She respected his feedback when he told her that he was beginning to feel overwhelmed, and she would not push him beyond where he could go emotionally.

Working with John in this way, over time, his therapist was able to help John to mourn what he didn't get as a child and to develop more self confidence (see my article: Psychotherapy and Compassionate Self Acceptance).

Conclusion

There are many ways for a psychotherapist to create a therapeutic holding environment for a client.

One way, as I have discussed in this article, is to keep the therapeutic work manageable for the client.

To create a holding environment, the therapist must be emotionally attuned to the client and intuitively sense when the client is ready to explore uncomfortable issues.  She must also ask the client for feedback.

When the client provides a tentative opening, a skilled therapist doesn't rush in.  She helps to facilitate an exploration that is manageable for the client.

In this way, by being attuned and titrating the work, the therapist helps the client to make progress in therapy.  In other words, going slowly in these particular cases, is more effective than trying to get under the client's defenses and overwhelming the client.

From the outside, it might appear that the work is going too slowly, but with regard to the client's internal world the client is developing the internal resources for more in-depth work.  

Not every client has these particular problems, and in many cases the therapist senses that she can make observations early in therapy without jeopardizing the work.  But for clients who aren't ready, premature explorations often lead to premature endings in therapy because the client aborts therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people, who could be helped in therapy, never come to therapy and struggle on their own without success.

Finding the "right fit" with a particular therapist might be a matter of trial and error as you interview various therapists (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).  

I usually tell prospective clients to follow their own instincts when choosing a therapist and not to remain with a therapist if their gut feeling is telling them that it's not working out.  However, if you have a long history of aborting therapy prematurely, it might be worth considering that you're avoiding dealing with certain issues in therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeing an experienced therapist who can help you to work through the problems that are keeping you stuck.

By working through problems that are keeping you stuck, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I work in an empathetic, attuned and respectful manner with clients to help them to overcome their problems and maximize their potential.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming the Mother You Wish You Had

Donald Winnicott, a well-respected British psychoanalyst and pediatrician, introduced the idea of the "good enough mother" (see my article: Books: Tea With Winnicott at 87 Chester Square).

Becoming the Mother You Wish You Had

Thousands of British mothers listened to his BBC broadcasts from 1943-1962 during which he spoke about motherhood and infant development in ordinary terms without using psychoanalytic jargon.

He dispelled the idea that mothers had to be perfect--they only needed to be good enough, which was a relief to most mothers (see my article: Perfect vs. Good Enough).

Winnicott's message is as true and valuable today as it was back then because many new mothers fear that they're going to be inadequate, especially women who had mothers who were abusive or neglectful.  This is also true for women who didn't grow up with a mother.

Their fears are that they will make the same mistakes that their mothers made with emotionally damaging effects to their new babies (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

The following fictional vignette illustrates these points:

Agnes
When Agnes found out that she was pregnant, after trying to conceive for a few years, she and her husband were elated.

Becoming the Mother You Wish You Had

Although Agnes was thrilled beyond words, she also developed an overwhelming fear that she would become like her mother--cold, emotionally withholding and critical.

Even though her husband attempted to alleviate Agnes' concerns, telling her that she was nothing like her mother, her fears became more intense over time.

She was flooded with memories of frequently being left alone and lonely (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

Whenever, as a child, Agnes attempted to get her mother's attention, her mother treated her like she was a nuisance.

Her father was frequently away on business trips, and when he was home, he secluded himself in his study, so Agnes spent most of her time alone.

As an only child, Agnes was left on her own to play and keep herself entertained.  She would often pretend that she had a kind guardian angel, who loved her, watched over her and kept her safe.

After a while, as the pregnancy progressed, Agnes realized that she needed to get help because her fear of being like her mother began to overwhelm her, so she sought a recommendation from her doctor, who referred Agnes to therapy.

Initially, Agnes had many worries about being in therapy.  She worried that she "wouldn't do it right" or that she would be a disappointment to her therapist (see my article: Fear of Being a Disappointment to Your Therapist).

Her therapist explained the concept of transference in therapy and that many psychotherapy clients,  especially clients who had emotionally withholding and critical parents, had similar fears (see my article: Psychotherapy and the Effects of Parental Transference).

Over time, Agnes began to distinguish her childhood fears from her current relationship with her therapist, who was warm and nonjudgmental (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now."

Agnes never realized that the emotional neglect that she experienced as a child was traumatic (see my article:  What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

She always thought of childhood trauma as being related to physical abuse (see my article: Psychotherapy to Overcome Past Childhood Trauma).

However, as she and her therapist worked together, Agnes understood how damaging it was not feel loved when she was growing up and how much she longed for that as a child (see my article: What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later on as an Adult?)

Agnes was also able to work through much of the childhood trauma in therapy.  She mourned for what she wanted from her parents and didn't get.  As part of working through these issues, Agnes learned to nurture and appreciate the child part of herself (as known as inner child).

She also realized that she could be the mother that she wished she had had as a child.  She made distinctions between herself and her mother, and she felt deep down that she was very different from her mother.

As her husband had told her all along, Agnes realized that she was a warm, nurturing person and she wouldn't be cold, withholding or critical.  The difference between her husband telling her and Agnes working it through for herself in therapy was that Agnes actually felt it in therapy.

Over time, Agnes also realized that, even though she would make mistakes because no one is perfect, she didn't have to be a perfect mother--she just needed to be good enough.

Getting Help in Therapy
For many women, who were not fortunate enough to have nurturing, loving mothers, their fear that they will become their mothers is strong.

Although family members and friends can be emotionally supportive and try to convince these women that they're nothing like their mothers, often these are experienced as only words.

Working in therapy to overcome unresolved childhood trauma and work through these fears can make all the difference between being an anxious, self doubting mother and being more self assured.

If the vignette in this article resonates with you, whether you're a mother-to-be or a father-to-be with the same fears, you're not alone.

Getting help from a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome these fears so that you and your family can have a more fulfilling lives.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Books: "Tea With Winnicott" at 87 Chester Square

In the book, Tea With Winnicott, Brett Kahr imagines what it might be like to bring back the British psychoanalyst and pediatrician, Donald W. Winnicott, who died in 1971, to interview him about his life and his work.

"Tea With Winnicott" at 87 Chester Square

The book is part of a series called Interviews with Icons, which are "posthumous interviews" with famous psychoanalysts.

In a poignant, imagined dialogue, Brett Kahr, who also wrote D.W. Winnicott: A Biographical Portrait, does an imaginary interview with Winnicott at Winnicott's consulting room at 87 Chester Square in London.

The book is wonderfully illustrated by Alison Bechtel.

Winnicott's former secretary makes them tea and sandwiches as they delve into the most important aspects of his life.

When I was in psychoanalytic training 20 years ago, I remember being drawn to Winnicott's books and papers more than any other theorist that we read. He has influenced my work more than any other psychoanalyst.

Through his writing, you could sense Winnicott's unique compassionate understanding about adults and infants (he was also a pediatrician), and he has been a valuable guide for new and experienced therapists all over the world.

"Tea With Winnicott" at 87 Chester Square

Kahr's book is organized in a way that helps clinicians and clients alike understand how Winnicott's early life influenced his theories about infants and adults.

Even experienced therapists, who have read Winnicott's papers and the various biographies about him, will find interesting stories about his personal life and his work.

Since it appears that Winnicott's mother, although loving and kind, was also depressed, there has been speculation that this might have influenced Winnicott's choice to become a psychoanalyst.

The section about Winnicott's early life shows how his own childhood influenced his psychoanalytic theories, especially the fact that he came from a loving home surrounded by his mother and other women in the household.

In his time, Winnicott had to navigate between the two predominant theorists of his time, Anna Freud and Melanie Klein.  Kahr provides interesting insights into what was going on in the psychoanalytic world at that time and how Winnicott was able to form the "Middle School."

Reading "Tea With Winnicott," you can easily imagine yourself sitting for a chat with this approachable psychotherapist and immersing yourself in his world.  The book is entertaining and accessible.

Much of what we now take for granted about raising a child and mother-child relationships originated with Winnicott.  His phrase "the good enough mother" conveyed that a mother didn't need to be "perfect," she just needed to be good enough.

His philosophy about the mother-child relationship was similar to his philosophy about the therapist-client relationship with regard to creating a safe, holding environment and repairing any ruptures in the relationship (see my articles:  The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy and On Being Alone).

In the late 1930s, Winnicott did broadcasts on the BBC radio where he addressed mothers in a personal and reassuring way.  His talks weren't about giving advice to mother.  Instead, his talks provided mothers with basic information about an infant's needs and how to foster a loving, safe environment for the baby.

These BBC talks were very popular.  It was evident that Winnicott respected mothers and never talked down to them.  During his time, he reached millions of listeners.

"Tea With Winnicott" at 87 Chester Square

The "interview" also deals with some controversial issues, including Winnicott's relationship with Masud Khan, who was an analysand as well as a colleague of Winnicott's.  It also deals with his first marriage to his wife, Alice.

Although Winnicott died in 1971, leaving behind many volumes of books and letters that he wrote, he  still remains one of the most influential and popular psychoanalysts all these years later.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is interested in Winnicott or the history of psychoanalysis and psychotherapy.

The format of the book is ideal for making a play, and I hope that someone will take on the project of producing the play in NYC.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapists who works with individuals and adults.

I am also psychoanalytically trained and work in a contemporary, dynamic and collaborative way.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why It's Important For Psychotherapists NOT to Have "All the Answers" in Therapy

There was a time in the history of psychotherapy when traditional psychotherapists believed they had  "the answers" for their clients (see my article: A Therapist's Beliefs About Psychotherapy Affect How the Therapist Works With You).

Why It's Important For Psychotherapists Not to Have "All the Answers" in Therapy

Back then, it was assumed a client would come in, free associate to whatever was on his or her mind, and when the time was right, the therapist would make an interpretation as to what was going on for the client.

If the client didn't accept the therapist's interpretation, the client would usually be thought of as being "resistant" (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).

Fortunately, times have changed and most contemporary therapists work in a more collaborative way with clients.  And yet, there are still many clients who come to therapy who expect the therapist to have "all the answers" to their problems.

Not only is it a distortion of what goes on in therapy to think that a therapist is all-knowing, it's also counterproductive.

And, it's likely that any therapist who presents him or herself as knowing all the answers won't be listening to the client or helping the client to develop his or her own ability to develop insight and inner knowledge.

Self exploration and personal discovery is part of the psychotherapeutic process.  And while it's understandable that some clients want "the answer" to their problems from the therapist, it's not realistic or helpful.

Although psychotherapists, who have advanced training in psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapy, are trained to do in-depth therapy, they are neither mind readers nor fortunate tellers, so they don't have "all the answers" to your problems.

Why It's Important For Psychotherapists Not to Have "All the Answers" in Therapy

Knowledgeable, skilled therapists can facilitate clients' self exploration and help them to develop the psychological skills to overcome problems and lead a healthier life.

If they're trained as trauma therapists, which not all therapists are, they can also help clients to overcome psychological trauma.

But psychotherapists also need to get to know clients over time, and it would be presumptuous and foolhardy for any therapist to assume that she knows from the start what would be best for the client.

If the therapist assumes that she already knows the answers to the client's problems before there is any psychological exploration, this usually means that the therapist isn't taking the time to listen empathically and to get to know the client.

In my professional opinion, as a psychodynamically trained therapist who has gone on to do advanced trauma training, psychotherapy is an intersubjective experience (see my article:The Therapy Session: A Unique Intersubjective Experience).

It takes time for the client and therapist to develop a therapeutic rapport and this doesn't always happen.  Not every therapist is for every client, and most therapists recognize that it's not always a "good fit" with every client.

Most therapists know that each client is unique and, even when it appears that a particular client might have a similar problem to other clients, there's never a one-size-fits-all approach that will work for every client.

Why It's Important For Psychotherapists Not to Have "All the Answers" in Therapy

A skilled therapist also knows that part of creating a therapeutic rapport is creating a "holding environment," as initially explained by British psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, where the client feels safe (see my article: The Creation of the Holding Environment in Therapy).

A skilled therapist also knows that she must listen empathically to what the client is saying on both a  conscious and unconscious level in order to begin to understand what's happening with the client (see my articles: Psychotherapy: Therapists Should Listen and Learn From Their Clients and The Therapist's Empathic Attunement to the Client)

By listening empathically, the therapist is actually learning from the client about the client rather than the other way around where the therapist makes premature interpretations as to what's going on.

It's also the therapist's job to help the client to develop the skills to tolerate the ambiguity of what's going on in therapy, especially during the initial stage of therapy when it might not be so clear.

In other words, some clients come in with a specific problem and while the resolution might not be clear, the problem is clearer than when clients come in a state of general malaise and they're not sure what's going on (see my article:  When You Just Don't Feel Right, It's Hard to Put Your Feelings Into Words).

For the client, developing skills to tolerate ambiguity might include self soothing techniques or other forms of coping skills (see my article:  Developing Coping Skills in Therapy).

There are no quick fixes in psychotherapy, even with some of the more advanced forms of trauma therapy, which tend to be shorter than some forms of talk therapy when there is psychological trauma (see my article: Beyond the "Band Aid" Approach to Overcoming Psychological Problems).

If you're new to psychotherapy, it helps to have realistic expectations of your therapist and of the psychotherapy process.

Generally speaking, the more complex the problem, the longer it takes to work it through in therapy, although therapy shouldn't be an interminable process where you feel you're not making any progress.

Rather than giving you the answers, a skilled therapist helps you to get to know yourself, grow psychologically, and learn how to work through your problems.

Why It's Important For Psychotherapists Not to Have "All the Answers" in Therapy

I recommend that you take your time when you're choosing a psychotherapist (see my article:How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

As part of the process of finding a therapist, you might want to see several therapists to determine which one you feel the most comfortable with before you delve into therapy.

And, as I mentioned before, even highly respected, reputable therapists are not always a "good fit" for everyone, so trust your intuition when making a choice.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people avoid seeking help in therapy because they believe in common myths and distortions about therapy (see my articles: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak" and Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Very Long Time).

It's takes time to develop a sense of trust and safety in therapy, especially if you've had early childhood experiences where you were abused or neglected.

Getting Help in Therapy

Psychotherapy can be a  transformative and dynamic process if you approach it with a sense of openness and curiosity about yourself, choose a therapist who is right for you, and approach therapy with realistic expectations (see my articles: Psychotherapy and Beginners Mind, Starting Therapy With a Sense of Curiosity and Openness and Experiential Therapy Can Be a Transformative Experience That Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, see my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the False Self - Part 1

At times, all of us put on a front, to a certain extent, that is part of self preservation and that we use consciously to protect ourselves in situations where we can't be completely ourselves or say what's really on our mind.

Understanding the False Self

For instance, in certain situations, we need to be able to hide our feelings rather than put ourselves at risk.  Even though we might be masking our feelings externally from others, we still know what we actually feel inside.

In other situations, people, who have a low sense of self, might deliberately lie about who they are or what they have, as I discussed in my prior article, as a way to fit in or get others to admire them.

Understanding the False Self

As opposed to the front that we might consciously present in these situations or the deliberate lie to impress others, the false self that I'm referring to in this article usually develops unconsciously at an early age as a defense mechanism to survive emotionally in a dysfunctional family.

Usually, the child develops the false self at an early age in a family where the child can't be his (or her) genuine self because the family demands the child to behave in a different way.

The Development of the False Self at an Early Age

The term "false self" was originally coined by British psychoanalyst and pediatrician Donald Winnicott.

This unconscious construction of the false self by the child develops as a way to survive and to ward off the anxiety brought on by the emotional demands of a dysfunctional family.  The child knows on an unconscious level that to be accepted and loved in his family, he must behave in a way that is acceptable to the family.

If the child didn't develop the false self, the child would be overwhelmed emotionally.  The family would also probably retaliate against him by labeling him as the problem.

So, the development of the false self as a child is adaptive for the child's emotional survival.  Although it's adaptive for emotional survival, the development of the false self also comes at a great sacrifice to the child, who becomes more and more disconnected from his authentic self.

By the time the child becomes an adult, this false self, which is now so ingrained, unconscious and compulsive, is no longer adaptive and hampers his relationship with himself as well as with others outside the family.  The unconscious false self also stifles the growth of the authentic self.

The dysfunction in the family might be due to alcoholism, drug use, domestic violence or a family that has other family secrets.  The child learns to suppress his feelings in order to fit in and to not get attacked emotionally and, in some cases, physically.

It's not just a matter of the child not expressing his feelings.  The child learns to hide his feelings from himself, so that he reacts in ways that are considered acceptable to the family.  The longer he does this, the more out of touch he is from his own feelings.

People Who Have a False Self Often Have Problems in Relationships
As an adult interacting with other adults outside the family, the person who has a false self presentation usually develops problems in relationships.

While he was a child, the family encouraged him to maintain this false self for what they believe is the emotional survival of the family.  They would have felt threatened by the child who expressed anger at an alcoholic father or who even pointed out that there was anything wrong in the family because this type of family wants to keep up appearances that everything in "normal" within the family.

But an adult who is still maintaining a false sense of self, who is interacting with other adults, is bound to have problems because other adults can usually sense the lack of authenticity.

They might feel like the person with the false self presentation is deliberately trying to fool them in some way.  Or, others might say that the person seemed "nice," but it feels likes there's something "missing" in him.

If anyone were to confront this person that he was coming across as less than genuine, he would probably be surprised and wonder why this other person was criticizing him.  He might feel confused because he's just continuing to behave in a way that he always has and his actions are unconscious.

In romantic relationships, a partner or spouse might feel that she isn't getting to know this person very deeply or that he wasn't allowing her to get close to him emotionally.  And she's probably right because the false self hides the true self, and this is why the person with the false self comes across as inauthentic.

Getting Help in Therapy
People who have lived all their lives with a false self presentation often come to therapy when they're having problems in romantic relationships.  Their partners or spouses usually express feeling dissatisfied or alienated because the false self gets in the way of genuine feelings.

People, who have some insight into what's happening with them, will sometimes express feeling disconnected from their emotions or they feel like they're just going through the motions in life and they feel cut off from themselves and others.

Psychotherapists, who work with individuals who have this problem, must work in a tactful and gentle way because the person who has relied on a false self for all of his life usually comes to therapy in a highly vulnerable state.

Even if someone is feeling dissatisfied and longs to be more authentically connected to himself and others, this defense mechanism is ingrained and not easily given up.

The therapist helps the client, as he learns to gradually give up the false self presentation, to cope with the feelings that come up that were being warded off by the false self.

Getting Help in Therapy to Discover Your Authentic Self

This can be challenging, but being able to live authentically is ultimately a freeing experience and usually leads to a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

The concept of "emotional neglect" is often mentioned in psychotherapy journals, newspapers, popular magazines, movies, TV programs and social media.  But there is often confusion about what this term means.

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

When it comes to children's emotional needs, I think it's important to define "emotional neglect" in terms of unmet childhood needs.

Defining this concept is important to many adults, including psychotherapy clients and potential psychotherapy clients, who are confused and unsure as to whether they were affected by emotional neglect when they were children.

Defining emotional neglect is important for parents and parents-to-be, who might feel anxious about parenting their children and trying to create a balance between limit setting and overindulgence.

Teachers, day care workers, child protective workers, child therapists, health care workers, clergy and other people who come in contact with children often suspect that certain children might be suffering due to emotional neglect at home, so understanding this concept is important to them as well.

"Good Enough" Parenting vs Perfection
First of all, no childhood is perfect.  No parent can be perfectly attuned to his or her child 100% of the time.  It's not humanly possible.  There will be times in any childhood when a child's needs go unmet for a variety of reasons.

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect: "Good Enough" Parenting vs Perfection

When we refer to emotional neglect, we're referring to a pattern of behavior where a child's emotional needs were unmet more often than they were met.

The British psychoanalyst and pediatrician Donald Winnicott referred to this as parenting that was "good enough," where the parent created an emotionally nurturing home environment that he referred to as "a holding environment" most of the time (see my article: The Creation of a Holding Environment in Psychotherapy).

Of course, every child will be different in terms of his or her emotional needs, as most parents who have more than one child can tell you.

Resilience in the Context of a Nurturing Family Environment
The reason why most of us can sustain instances of parental lapses in emotional attunement is that most of us have a certain amount of resilience.  We can withstand certain lapses in emotional attunement as long as the parenting is "good enough" most of the time.

Resilience in the Context of a Nurturing Family Environment                              

So, if, for example, a parent, who is normally nurturing and attuned to his or her child's needs is distracted and doesn't notice on a particular occasion that a child is sad or angry and doesn't ask the child about it, this usually doesn't result in irreparable harm.

But if there are too many instances where a parent doesn't notice and doesn't attend to a child's emotional needs, this can be emotionally damaging to the child and often has long lasting traumatic effects into adulthood if the adult doesn't get professional help.

Childhood Emotional Neglect is Often Invisible and Goes Unnoticed
Unlike physical abuse where there are often physical bruises or other signs that are obvious, childhood emotional neglect is often invisible and goes unnoticed.

Since childhood emotional neglect usually involves a parent who is not responding to the emotional needs of a child, it is less obvious to see.

If, for example, people see a child who looks well fed, properly groomed and well dressed, they often assume that the child is being taken care of emotionally as well.  This is because many people judge situations by outer appearances.

Also, some children, especially children who tend to be overachievers, are very good at pushing down their own emotional needs under these circumstances and excelling academically.  If they are quiet children who aren't having behavior problems in school, teachers and other adults who come in contact with them often won't notice that anything is amiss with these children.

Many children, who come from families where their emotional needs aren't being met, learn how to hide their sadness by covering up their feelings.  They might appear to be outgoing or cheerful, but underneath, they're often unhappy and lonely.

Worse still, they're often hiding a lot of shame about their sadness and unmet emotional needs.  The shame that they carry often has serious repercussions for them as adults (see my article:  Unresolved Childhood Issues Can Create Problems in Adult Relationships).

In future articles, I'll continue to discuss childhood emotional neglect.

Getting Help
Many people come to therapy because of underlying issues related to their unmet needs in childhood that continue to affect them as adults.  

It's never too late to get help to overcome the effects of childhood emotional neglect.  

Working with a licensed mental psychotherapist, you can work through these issues in therapy so you can overcome them and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.