Relationships: Respond to Your Partner with Emotional Attunement and Validation Before You Try to Solve the Problem

There's a relationship dynamic I often see in my psychotherapy office when I'm working with couples: 

One partner talks about their emotional pain and the other partner responds by trying to "fix" the problem which makes the first partner even more upset (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

You might say, "What's wrong with problem solving?"

What's wrong is that when your partner is upset, they need to feel you are emotionally attuned and validating their feelings (even if you don't agree with their view of the problem) before you offer a solution (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship?).

When your partner is upset, they are in their emotional brain. 

When you jump ahead to problem solving, you are in the rational part of the brain. 

So, if they're in their emotional brain and you're in your rational brain, there is a misalignment between you.

You need to start where they are and, after you both calm down, you can problem solve together if that's what the problem requires.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates why emotional attunement and validation is so important as a first step and how these skills can be learned in couples therapy:

Claire and Mike

When Claire came home from a very stressful day at work, she felt frustrated and angry when she discovered that Mike left a mess in the sink after he made lunch for himself.

Claire was already tired from a long day at work and she just wanted to make dinner so she could relax afterwards. But, instead, she encountered the mess in the sink.  

To make matters worse, this was part of an ongoing argument between them. Just a few days before, Mike promised, once again, he wouldn't leave dishes in the sink anymore. 

Claire was too tired to deal the mess, so she ordered a pizza for dinner, threw herself on the couch and waited for the delivery

Mike arrived home a few minutes after the pizza arrived. 

Initially, he was in his usual cheerful mood. Then, he saw the pizza box in the kitchen and he said, "Ugh....pizza for dinner?"

Hearing Mike complain set Claire off, "You did it again--after you promised you wouldn't leave a mess in the sink! Now you're complaining because we're having pizza for dinner! I can't believe it!"

Trying to smooth things over, Mike responded, "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll clean the mess. It will only take me 10 minutes." (Note: He's problem solving while Claire is very upset instead of attuning to and validating her feelings).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Claire responded, "That's not the point! You promised you'd stop doing this! Do you think it's fun for me to come home to a mess in the sink before I cook?"

Mike: "I said I would take care of it! Problem solved!"

As she walked away from Mike to go to their bedroom, she said: "You just don't get it! You don't care how I feel!"

While Mike was washing the dishes, he felt confused about why Claire was angry. 

He knew he shouldn't have left a mess in the sink, but he felt he offered a solution to the problem and she still wasn't happy.  He didn't know what else to do.

Unfortunately, Mike and Claire had many similar confrontations about other issues where Mike offered a solution and Claire remained upset. 

So, after a few more similar arguments, they decided to go to couples therapy.

Their couples therapist listened to them describe their dynamic and she realized why they were having problems: When Claire was upset and in her emotional brain, Mike responded by being in his rational brain and offered solutions instead of being emotionally attuned to Claire and validating her feelings.

At first, Mike didn't understand why Claire wasn't happy with having a solution, "Of course I care! I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you and care about your feelings."

But, with practice in couples therapy, Mike learned not to go immediately into problem solving mode. 

Instead, he responded empathically: 

First, he acknowledged and validated Claire's feelings, "So, what I hear you saying is that you feel upset and frustrated that I keep doing the same thing over and over again. I can see why that would be upsetting and frustrating, especially since I promised to stop doing it. I need to be more aware so I don't keep making the same mistakes. I'm sorry."

When Claire heard Mike's words and she saw that he really understood her, he cared for her and he felt genuine remorse, she softened, "I feel seen and heard by you now. I can feel you care about me. Now we can talk about problem solving."

Mike had some lapses at first where he wanted to problem solve before he responded with attunement and validation, but after a while, he was able to change his way of responding.  

This change helped Mike and Claire to get closer.

Conclusion

If you tend to be someone who responds first with problem solving when your partner is upset and you can't understand why that makes your partner even more upset, the good news is that you can learn these relationship skills.

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Although it might be tempting to jump straight to problem solving in situations like this, starting with problem solving usually doesn't work. Instead, arguments escalate and become more frequent when you're not meeting your partner where they are emotionally.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Long-standing relational dynamics can be hard to change on your own.

If you and your partner have been unable to work out problems, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapist can help you work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Tips on How to Listen to Your Partner Without Getting Defensive

One of the most difficult things to do is to listen to your partner without getting defensive when they're upset about something you did or didn't do (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

How to Communicate With Your Partner

Most people have the urge to interrupt their partner to defend themselves, "That's not what I meant!" or "You didn't understand what I said!" But when you interrupt your partner, both of you feel frustrated and neither of you feels heard.  

ATTUNE

Dr. John Gottman, relationship and research expert, came up with the acronym ATTUNE to help couples to build trust in each other so they can have a healthier relationship:

A = Awareness

T = Turning Toward

T = Tolerance

U = Understanding

N = Non-defensive

E = Empathetic

• Awareness: Awareness refers to developing an awareness of your partner's thoughts, feelings and current circumstances. You acknowledge your partner's emotions and you can do this by asking your partner how they're doing and actively listening to what they say.

• Turning Towards: When you turn towards your partner, you reach out to your partner when you sense they need emotional connection. This means you care enough about your partner to reach out whether what they're going through is positive or negative.

• Tolerance: Tolerance refers to the ability to listen to your partner's thoughts and feelings even if it's different from your own. This means that if their thoughts and feelings are different, you can temporarily put aside your feelings to accept your partner's reality without interjecting your own feelings, thoughts or beliefs. This doesn't mean that you agree with your partner--it means you respect your partner's experience.

• Understanding: To understand your partner, you put aside your feelings, thoughts and beliefs temporarily so you can dip into and understand your partner's experience. If their experience is unclear to you, ask for their help, "Can you help me to understand your experience?" Your partner needs to feel you understand their experience before you tell them how you feel.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

• Non-defensive: Non-defensive listening is an effective way to respond to your partner's experience--even if it feels uncomfortable to you or you don't agree.  As a non-defensive listener, your job is to help your partner to clarify their experience. This means you focus on your partner's experience without getting defensive or attacking your partner. Before you respond to your partner, ask yourself if what you're about to say will clarify your partner's experience or if it will be dismissing or attacking your partner. To ensure you understand your partner's experience, repeat the basic message you heard and wait for your partner's response that you have either understood them or not. If you haven't grasped what they are saying, ask for clarification until your partner tells you that you understand. When you can respond without judgment or an argument, you are encouraging your partner to trust you and open up to you (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Empathetic: Empathetic responding shows your partner that you can dip into and feel their experience. By acknowledging and validating your partner's experience, you show them that you are responding with empathy. 

Defensive vs Non-defensive Listening

The "N" in Dr. Gottman's ATTUNE stands for non-defensive, as mentioned above.

Listening and responding non-defensively is a difficult skills for many people to learn. It's especially hard if what your partner is saying involves a complaint about you or something that triggers an emotional reaction in you.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

For instance, if you and your partner live together and you have agreed to fold the laundry after the dryer stops and you don't do it, your partner might say, "We agreed to fold the clothes when the dryer stops, but you didn't do that and now the clothes are all wrinkled." Your immediate reaction might be, "Don't tell me what to do! You're not my mother!"

Maybe you react this way because you feel your partner is trying to control you. Or, maybe you react this way because you feel embarrassed that you didn't live up to your part of the agreement. 

Either way, you're responding defensively, and you need to learn to calm yourself so you can respond non-defensively.

Learning to Self Soothe to Respond Non-defensively

In the example above, regardless of why you reacted defensively, you need to learn to self soothe by calming yourself before you respond to your partner.

You can do this by:

• Slowing down: Even though you might want to lash out at your partner by interrupting them or invalidating their experience, take a moment to slow down and calm yourself. Focus on relaxing your body by breathing. If your partner isn't sure what you're doing, explain to them that you're trying to calm yourself so you can respond empathetically.

Slow Down and Breathe to Calm Yourself

• Don't Take Your Partner's Comments Personally: Even though your partner is annoyed and might be angry with you, try not to take their comments personally. Try to understand that they're trying to communicate what is making them unhappy and what they want to change. If you see it from that perspective, you're less likely to get triggered and respond defensively.

• Ask For Clarification: If you're not understanding what your partner is trying to tell you, ask for clarification so you don't jump to conclusions about what they're saying.

• Take a Break: If you're having a hard time calming yourself, tell your partner you want to take a break so you can regroup and come back to discuss the issue calmly. Before you take a break, make sure you both agree on the timeframe to come back to talk (Will it be in 10 minutes? or 30 minutes?) and then return at the appointed time in a calmer state. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Most of us were not taught how to communicate in a non-defensive way with a partner.

Get Help in Therapy to Improve Your Relationship

A skilled psychotherapist, who works with couples, can help you to develop non-defensive communication skills.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health practitioner so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Ethical Flirting: How Can You Tell If Someone is Really Into You or Just Being Friendly?

Trying to figure out if someone is interested in you or if they're just being friendly towards you can be tricky.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

In the past few weeks, I've written several articles about flirting which can be helpful in understanding the topic of ethical flirting:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

In Episode 132 of the Sex and Psychology podcast, "Ethical Flirting and Seduction", Dr. Justin Lehmiller discusses this topic with Dr. Alison Ash, a trauma-informed intimacy coach (the link is at the end of this article).

What is Ethical Flirting?

According to Dr. Ash, flirting is intentionally vague--it's not linear.

Flirting isn't about building and escalating in one direction.  

Instead, flirting a wave-like experience of escalating and de-escalating even when you're both interested in each other and aligned in what you want.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

The vagueness and the escalating/de-escalating allows you to test the waters to see how the other person responds to you.

Ethical flirting involves balancing emotional safety and turn-on as you test the boundaries (in an appropriate way) based on the person you're with and the context you're in.

Part of the challenge of ethical flirting is finding the comfortable intersection between emotional safety and turn-on.

If there's too much safety and not enough turn-on, you might find yourself in the "Friend Zone" when you don't want to be there.

Dating vs Friend Zone

If there's too much turn-on and not enough safety, the person you're interested in might get uncomfortable and put up defensive walls.

According to Dr. Ash, the difference between ethical flirting vs manipulation is whether or not you're approaching flirting in a goal-oriented way (e.g., getting the other person into bed).

Dr. Ash indicated that when flirting has a particular goal, it can lead to subtle or overt manipulation because, by focusing on the goal, you might overlook many signals from the other person who might not be interested.

Why is Attunement Important When You're Flirting?

When you're attuned to the other person, you're tracking whether or not you're getting cues or signals from them that they're interested (or not).

These cues can include (depending upon the cultural backgrounds of each person):

• Eye contact
• Smile 
• Body language
• Facial expression
• Your own intuition of what's happening between you and the other person

Attunement is important when you're flirting because it allows you to 

• Meet the other person where they're at in the moment 
• Let the situation unfold without being attached to a particular goal
• Help the other person to feel safe with you so they can open up if they're interested
• Help the other person to let you know they're not interested
• Recalibrate your interactions if you're getting signals they're not interested or they're interested but they're uncomfortable because you're going too fast for them

How Can You Tell If Someone is Interested in You or Just Being Friendly?

Flirting often takes place in an ambiguous context, according to Dr. Ash, and it can be unclear as to whether someone is attracted to you or just being friendly.

I remember a situation when I was in my early 20s and working for a large corporate organization:

On most mornings, I would run into a friendly guy who worked in another department on my floor who was really chatty.  Sometimes we would have a friendly chat for a few minutes about the weather or our weekend--nothing intimate. I thought nothing of it at the time.

Then, one day a large bouquet of red roses was delivered to my desk without a card.  I just assumed it was from my boyfriend at the time.  But when I called my boyfriend to thank him, I just heard momentary silence on the other end of the phone. Then, to my amazement, he said, "It wasn't me. Who's sending you flowers?"

This left me confused and curious. But by the next day, I ran into the friendly guy and he asked me if I got the roses he sent, and I felt the blood rush to my face.

When I told him that I had a boyfriend and I hoped he didn't misunderstand my friendliness towards him, he looked embarrassed.  He had obviously misconstrued my friendliness to mean that I was interested in him.  After that, he stopped speaking to me, which made it very awkward whenever we ran into each other in the hall.

In this particular case, I think there were also cultural issues that added to the confusion because (I found out later) the women from his culture wouldn't stop to chat with a man in a friendly way unless there was a romantic interest.

I'm bringing up this story to show how easy and common it is for there to be misunderstandings in these kinds of situations.

Women often discuss these kinds of misunderstandings in therapy.  On the one hand, they don't want to be unfriendly but, on the other hand, they don't want to have their friendliness misconstrued as attraction.

So, developing the necessary attunement skills is essential when you're interested in someone and you want to know if they're interested in you.  At the same time, be aware that there can be misunderstandings (I'll address how to deal with that later in this article).

How to Flirt in an Ethical Way

Flirting an be fun and playful or it can be sleazy.  

According to Dr. Ash, if you want to want it to be fun and not sleazy:

• Escalate Flirting Slowly: This gives you an opportunity to assess cues from the other person. It also allows the other person to refine the cues they're giving you.

• Look For a Cluster of Cues: Instead of looking for only one cue, look for a cluster of cues, including if the other person:

• Makes eye contact with you where they're gazing at you or looks away
• Leans in to minimize the body space between you and them or moves away
• Reaches out to touch you lightly in an appropriate way (e.g., upper arm or shoulder)
• Reciprocates your touch in an appropriate way
• Responds by smiling at you or stiffens towards you
• Engages you in fun and "juicy" topics as you get to know each other or if their interaction with you remains more mundane

How to Deal With Misattunements

As I mentioned earlier in my personal example, it can be easy to misunderstand even if you think you're picking up on signals that the other person is interested.

Ethical Flirting: Dealing With Misattunements

The tricky part is to figure out whether what you're seeing is disinterest or if the other person is interested but uncomfortable because you escalated the flirting too quickly.  

Be aware that there are different levels of flirting.  

For instance, if you were talking and lightly touching the other person's upper arm and they still seemed engaged in flirting with you, but then you touched their hand and they responded by moving away, you need to back off and reassess the situation.

Assuming that you're only misaligned in the moment because you escalated too quickly and the person is actually still interested in you but uncomfortable with what you just did, Dr. Ash recommends that you go back a step to where you last felt you were both aligned.

For example, if you felt aligned at the point when you were both smiling and engaged in a particular topic of conversation, take a step back, recalibrate, and return to the former level of flirting.  

If your recalibration doesn't work, you might have to address the so-called "elephant in the room" in a tactful way. This can be awkward, but it's less awkward than if you don't address it at all. 

You can address this misattunement by apologizing and naming what just transpired. This can help the other person to see that you're trying to be attuned to them and you want to meet them where they're are in that moment.  Then, if they're interested, they can also try to align with you.

Ethical Flirting Online

According to Dr. Ash, online flirting can be even trickier than in-person flirting because you don't have the physical cues to help you to be attuned. 

She recommends video chats instead of texting because texting can be confusing.  

Either way, her recommendation is that you go slowly.  For instance, don't start by asking very intimate questions, like "What are your sexual fantasies?" or "What's your favorite sex position?"

You need to build the intimacy slowly so that when you get the signal that the other person might be ready for more intimate topics. Then, you can bring up the right topics at the right time instead of being offensive.

A slow escalation allows you to proceed to increasing vulnerability as long as you're aligned with the person you like.

In general, whether you're flirting in-person or online, remember that building intimacy includes being curious about them and sharing information about yourself in an appropriate way.  

Too many people have a list of questions they ask the other person as if they're an interviewer and forget to be self revealing.

How to Deal with Your Fear of Rejection

Many people avoid making the effort to flirt because they fear rejection.

Ethical Flirting and Fear of Rejection

Fear of a rejection is a common problem due to:

• Uncertainty
• Overanalyzing yourself
• Being overly critical of yourself in terms of what you say and do
• Second guessing yourself
• Previous experiences of rejection
• Unresolved trauma

No one wants to be rejected, but if you're both too shy or afraid of rejection, you could be missing out on opportunities to get to know each other.

Dr. Ash's recommendations on how to overcome your fear, especially if you lack experience with ethical flirting include:

• Put yourself out there so you can get practice with building relational skills (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences)

• Get out of your head (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind)

• Become more embodied by using embodiment practices, like:
• Observing sensations and emotions in your body
• Practicing using your body as an anchor 
• Getting grounded
  
• Learning breathing techniques to calm yourself (see my article: Learn to Do Square Breathing)

• Use positive self talk instead of negative self talk

• Access your sense of openness and curiosity (it's hard to feel anxious when you're in a curious state)

• Focus more on the other person than yourself

• Learn to be adaptable and flexible with regard to the person you're with and the context you're in instead of relying on the same pickup line for everyone

• Be playful and fun if the circumstances allow for it

• Be aware of the types of environments where you feel the most comfortable so you can show your best side as opposed to feeling like an impostor

When to Seek Help in Therapy

When you're engaging in ethical flirting, you can either feel delight in the longing and anticipation or you can feel emotional pain.

If you feel emotionally unfulfilled because you don't have close relationships with friends and family or because you have unresolved trauma, flirting can be challenging for you because you feel insecure and you come across as too hungry for emotional connection.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't have other close relationships, learn to cultivate platonic relationships that will nourish you emotionally. Aside from nourishing you emotionally, these platonic relationships can help you to develop interpersonal skills that are similar to the skills you need to make romantic connections.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the emotional blocks that get in your way.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sex and Psychology Episode on Ethical Seduction

How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, I see many clients who have lost trust and connection (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Vulnerable Feelings to Your Partner?.  

Building Trust and Connection in Your Relationship

They're no longer emotionally vulnerable with each other and, over the years, disappointments and resentment have built up, so they come to therapy to try to rebuild trust and connection. 

In some cases, there has been betrayal and they come to find out whether their relationship can be repaired after affairs and other breaches of trust, like financial infidelity.

How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship

According to relationship expert John Gottman, PhD., trust and connection can be built over time in a series of small moments throughout the relationship.

Through his 40+ years of research on relationships, he has discovered that small moments in a relationship can make a big difference.

Attunement

Being attuned to your partner is essential to building trust and connection, according to Dr. Gottman.

Building Trust and Connection in Your Relationship

Attunement means the ability to emotionally connect with your partner. It means you have the ability to emotionally enter into your partner's inner world.  

He describes the word "attune" as follows:

• A = Awareness
• T = Turning towards your partner emotionally
• T = Tolerance for two different points of view
• U = Understanding
• N = Nondefensive responding
• E = Empathy

Make a Choice: Turning Towards or Turning Away

There are many moments in a relationship when you can make a decision to either turn towards or turn away from your partner, according to Dr. Gottman.

Building Trust and Connection in Your Relationship

The decision you make in these moments can make a big difference in your relationship over time.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrate how making a choice to either turn towards or turn away can make a difference over time in building trust and connection or eroding trust and connection:

    An Example of Turning Away From a Partner

Vignette 1: Doug and Alice

After 10 years marriage, one night, Alice told Doug she wanted to talk to him about their relationship.  Inwardly, Doug groaned because the football game was about to begin and he wanted to watch it. So, he told her their conversation could wait until after the game. But after the game, Doug said he was too tired to talk and they could talk in the morning. Alice tried again and again, but each time she approached Doug to try to tell him she felt taken for granted by him, he turned away from her by putting off the talk or responding defensively and dismissively.  She asked him to attend couples therapy, but he refused. He said he didn't want to talk about their private life with a stranger. Two years later, Alice told Doug she wanted a divorce.  Even though Alice tried to tell him many times before this that there was a problem, Doug was surprised that Alice was so unhappy in the marriage that she wanted a divorce.  He tried to reconcile with her, but she told him it was too late.  When he received the divorce papers from Alice, Doug made one last ditch effort to save their marriage. He promised he would stop being so selfish and try to meet her emotional needs. He told her he was finally ready to attend couples therapy if this is what it would take to save the marriage because he didn't want to lose her.  In response, Alice wasn't hopeful that anything would change, but she felt she had invested 10 years in the marriage and she had nothing to lose by going to couples therapy with Doug. Soon after they began couples therapy, they learned how their relationship had fallen apart, and they both made a commitment to work hard and learn the necessary relationship skills that could save their marriage.

    An Example of Turning Towards a Partner

Vignette 2:  Jane and Bill

Jane and Bill were married for seven years when, early one morning, Bill noticed that Jane looked uncharacteristically sad as she sat at the breakfast table having coffee.  He had just gathered up his golf clubs to meet his friends that morning for a long awaited golf game, but he didn't want to leave without finding out why Jane looked so unhappy.  So, he put down his golf clubs, sat next to Jane, put his arm around her shoulders and asked her why she looked so sad.  At first, Jane told him that they could wait to talk until after he got back from golf.  But Bill didn't want to leave Jane in this state, so he told her that golf could wait because she was more important to him than any game. Then, she told him she felt sad because she had just heard about her best friend's medical problems. After hearing this, Bill called one of his friends and told him that he couldn't make the golf game--even though Jane insisted that he go. They spent the rest of the day walking and talking in a wooded area close to their home. By the next day, Jane heard from her friend that her doctor said the prognosis for her condition was good, and Jane felt relieved. She was also grateful that Bill was attuned to her emotions and he was emotionally supportive. Over time, there were many instances where both Jane and Bill were able to turn towards each other for love and support, which helped to build trust and a strong emotional connection between them.

Discussion of Vignettes 1 and 2

Vignette 1 is an example of an ongoing pattern of turning away from a partner.  Instead of being attuned to Alice's emotions, Doug turned away repeatedly and he wouldn't listen to her.  It's no wonder Alice felt taken for granted by him.  

Over time, this kind of turning away over and over again will erode a relationship by sowing the seeds of mistrust and emotional disconnection because Alice sees she can't rely on Doug to be there for her.  

There can be many reasons why Doug lacks the ability to connect with Alice.  Maybe he grew up in a household where emotional vulnerability was considered a weakness and family members didn't communicate their feelings, so he never learned how to do it.  Or, maybe Doug was too self centered and lacked empathy for Alice because he grew up being emotionally neglected in his family, so he never learned to be empathetic.  Whatever the reason, the relationship fell apart even though Alice made numerous efforts to try to repair it.  

As a last ditch effort before signing divorce papers, they attended couples therapy to see if the marriage could be saved.

Vignette 1 is a good example of how couples often come for help in couples therapy.  Sometimes they are one step away from getting a divorce, but they decide to give their relationship one last chance before they give up.  

The best time to come for help in therapy is before a relationship has been so damaged.  Under Alice and Doug's circumstances, it can be challenging to repair a relationship that has been deteriorating for so many years, but it can be done if both people are willing to work at it.

Vignette 2 is an example of turning towards a partner.  Bill was looking forward to meeting his buddies for a golf game when he noticed that Jane looked unhappy. She wasn't complaining to him or even trying to get his attention.  Instead, Bill was attuned to Jane and he sensed something was wrong. 

In that moment, Bill had a choice: He could act like he didn't notice, go play golf with his friends and then come back later to talk to Jane or, he could respond to her with empathy and love.  Even though he knew Jane wouldn't try to stop him from going to play golf, he was concerned about her.  She was his priority, so he turned towards her and asked her what was wrong. 

Even when she insisted that he go play golf because she knew how much he was looking forward to it, he prioritized Jane and he made a personal sacrifice to stay to comfort her.  By doing that, he showed that he was emotionally attuned to her and she was the most important person in his life.  

If Jane was sad every time Bill wanted to meet his friends, this might be a different story and it would indicate there might other problems.  But Jane's sadness was uncharacteristic for her, so Bill knew it was unusual and important.

By turning towards Jane that morning, Bill was building trust and connection with Jane. He was letting Jane know, "I'm here for you."  

If you compare Bill's response in Vignette 2 to Doug's response in Vignette 1, you can see how these dynamics either build trust and connection or erode those qualities over time.

One or two instances of turning away won't ruin a relationship, but if this is an ongoing dynamic, it can lead to the demise of a relationship.

Note: Even though the examples given were of two heterosexual couples, these issues occur in LGBTQ relationships as well.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people don't learn relationship skills because it isn't modeled for them by the adults in their family.

If you're having problems with trust and connection in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop and maintain the relationship skills you and your partner need to have a healthy relationship and live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotion Focused Therapy For Couples?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

One of the most common problems I hear about in my private practice in New York City is a lack of emotional or sexual attunement in relationships (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Vulnerable Emotions to Your Partner?).

What is Attunement in a Relationship?

Attunement in a relationship means the ability to connect with one another on an emotional and sexual level.

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

Some couples connect well emotionally, but they're not attuned sexually.  This often occurs in long term relationships where sex has become less satisfying for one or both partners.

A lack of attunement can occur for many reasons.  Often this problem occurs when the couple isn't working together as a team.  This causes one or both partners to feel alone and emotionally unfulfilled. 

If the lack of attunement is also occurring in the bedroom, a couple often stops having sex to avoid the problem (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

How to Get Emotionally Attuned to Yourself First and Then Your Partner

Rather than engaging in blame and conflict, which can destroy a relationship, each person needs to make a commitment to approach the problem as a team (see my articles: Moving Beyond the Blame Game in Your Relationship and Improving Your Communication By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

In other words, there are no "bad guys." Instead, there is a recognition that the problems are co-created between both people, and if there is a willingness on each person's part to overcome this negative dynamic in the relationship, they can co-create the solution.

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

Each of you can take some quiet time on your own to think and write about what you feel is missing and what you want more of in the relationship.

Start by focusing on yourself and where you feel you can improve rather than making a list of complaints about your partner.  

Are you attuned to your own emotions?  If not, take a moment to calm your mind and body so you can drop down into your own internal experience to get better attuned with yourself before you approach your partner.  

To get attuned, find a private quiet place without distractions.  

Close your eyes if you feel comfortable, focus on your breath and slow down your breathing (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Emotions).

Expect to have distracting thoughts and when they come up, imagine you can put each one on a cloud and watch them float away (see my article: Basic Mindfulness Skills).

As you focus on your emotions, tune into your body to get a sense of where you can feel your emotions in your body.  Know that it's not unusual to feel conflicting emotions. Just acknowledge them and let them be.  Don't judge them or try to suppress them.

Afterwards take time to write down what came up for you and what you might want to share with your partner.

Emotional vulnerability is a pathway to intimacy, so if you can both share what came up for each of you, it could bring you closer.

On the other hand, if your emotional connection with your partner has deteriorated to the point where you don't feel comfortable being vulnerable, you can start with your less vulnerable feelings.

When you're listening to your partner, give your partner your undivided attention.  Listen without interrupting or getting distracted with other things (phones are off and put away).  

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

After your partner has shared, instead of giving your perspective or opinion, tell your partner what you heard without criticism or judgment ("I heard you say you feel lonely in our relationship. Is that right?").  

If your partner says you didn't understand what s/he was saying, ask your partner to say it again in another way.  Repeat this process until you're really get what your partner is saying.

You don't have to agree with your partner's perspective.  You just need to let your partner know that you heard and understand based on what s/he said.

Then, it's your turn.  Follow the same steps.  Remember to slow down so you can be attuned to your own emotions as well as your partner's.

It takes time and patience to feel into and talk about your emotions, so don't rush through this exercise just to get through it.  If you do, you'll convey to your partner that you're not interested in hearing what s/he has to say or what you have to say to your partner.

You might experience some discomfort, especially if you're not accustomed to sharing your emotions on a deep level.  That's okay.  With practice, this process can get easier as you each work on these skills.

How to Get Sexually Attuned to Yourself and Your Partner

Many people feel embarrassed to talk about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

Start by getting attuned to your own sense of sexuality in terms of what you like.  If it's been a long time since you have felt attuned to your own sexuality, start gradually.

If you have good memories of enjoying sex, you can begin by remembering times when you enjoyed sex in the past (see my article:  Reviving Your Sex Life By Remembering Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

Whether these memories involve solo sex or sex with a partner, what was it about those experiences that made sex enjoyable?  Was it your sense of connection? Was it your sense of playfulness or freedom to let go? Or something else?

If you have never experienced pleasurable sex, do you have memories of seeing movies or reading books that got you turned on?  What was it about those scenes that appealed to you?

After each of you have engaged in your own sexual self exploration, you can share your thoughts and fantasies with your partner (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

Once again, don't be critical or judgmental. Just listen.  Their turn-ons might not be yours, but couples often find sexual activities that get them both turned on (see my article: Don't Yuk Your Partner's Yum).

When it's your turn, try to be as open as you can about what you like and allow your partner to have his or her own preferences.

Getting Help in Therapy

It's common for couples to allow emotional and sexual problems to go unaddressed for months and even years.  At that point, it's hard to try to resolve them on their own (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

If you're struggling with a lack of emotional or sexual attunement in your relationship, you could benefit from seeking help in couples/sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article:  Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise with your problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.