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Trying to figure out if someone is interested in you or if they're just being friendly towards you can be tricky.
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| Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly? |
In the past few weeks, I've written several articles about flirting which can be helpful in understanding the topic of ethical flirting:
In Episode 132 of the Sex and Psychology podcast, "Ethical Flirting and Seduction", Dr. Justin Lehmiller discusses this topic with Dr. Alison Ash, a trauma-informed intimacy coach (the link is at the end of this article).
What is Ethical Flirting?
According to Dr. Ash, flirting is intentionally vague--it's not linear.
Flirting isn't about building and escalating in one direction.
Instead, flirting a wave-like experience of escalating and de-escalating even when you're both interested in each other and aligned in what you want.
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| Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly? |
The vagueness and the escalating/de-escalating allows you to test the waters to see how the other person responds to you.
Ethical flirting involves balancing emotional safety and turn-on as you test the boundaries (in an appropriate way) based on the person you're with and the context you're in.
Part of the challenge of ethical flirting is finding the comfortable intersection between emotional safety and turn-on.
If there's too much safety and not enough turn-on, you might find yourself in the "Friend Zone" when you don't want to be there.
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| Dating vs Friend Zone |
If there's too much turn-on and not enough safety, the person you're interested in might get uncomfortable and put up defensive walls.
According to Dr. Ash, the difference between ethical flirting vs manipulation is whether or not you're approaching flirting in a goal-oriented way (e.g., getting the other person into bed).
Dr. Ash indicated that when flirting has a particular goal, it can lead to subtle or overt manipulation because, by focusing on the goal, you might overlook many signals from the other person who might not be interested.
Why is Attunement Important When You're Flirting?
When you're attuned to the other person, you're tracking whether or not you're getting cues or signals from them that they're interested (or not).
These cues can include (depending upon the cultural backgrounds of each person):
- Eye contact
- Smile
- Body language
- Facial expression
- Your own intuition of what's happening between you and the other person
Attunement is important when you're flirting because it allows you to
- Meet the other person where they're at in the moment
- Let the situation unfold without being attached to a particular goal
- Help the other person to feel safe with you so they can open up if they're interested
- Help the other person to let you know they're not interested
- Recalibrate your interactions if you're getting signals they're not interested or they're interested but they're uncomfortable because you're going too fast for them
How Can You Tell If Someone is Interested in You or Just Being Friendly?
Flirting often takes place in an ambiguous context, according to Dr. Ash, and it can be unclear as to whether someone is attracted to you or just being friendly.
I remember a situation when I was in my early 20s and working for a large corporate organization:
On most mornings, I would run into a friendly guy who worked in another department on my floor who was really chatty. Sometimes we would have a friendly chat for a few minutes about the weather or our weekend--nothing intimate. I thought nothing of it at the time.
Then, one day a large bouquet of red roses was delivered to my desk without a card. I just assumed it was from my boyfriend at the time. But when I called my boyfriend to thank him, I just heard momentary silence on the other end of the phone. Then, to my amazement, he said, "It wasn't me. Who's sending you flowers?"
This left me confused and curious. But by the next day, I ran into the friendly guy and he asked me if I got the roses he sent, and I felt the blood rush to my face.
When I told him that I had a boyfriend and I hoped he didn't misunderstand my friendliness towards him, he looked embarrassed. He had obviously misconstrued my friendliness to mean that I was interested in him. After that, he stopped speaking to me, which made it very awkward whenever we ran into each other in the hall.
In this particular case, I think there were also cultural issues that added to the confusion because (I found out later) the women from his culture wouldn't stop to chat with a man in a friendly way unless there was a romantic interest.
I'm bringing up this story to show how easy and common it is for there to be misunderstandings in these kinds of situations.
Women often discuss these kinds of misunderstandings in therapy. On the one hand, they don't want to be unfriendly but, on the other hand, they don't want to have their friendliness misconstrued as attraction.
So, developing the necessary attunement skills is essential when you're interested in someone and you want to know if they're interested in you. At the same time, be aware that there can be misunderstandings (I'll address how to deal with that later in this article).
How to Flirt in an Ethical Way
Flirting an be fun and playful or it can be sleazy.
According to Dr. Ash, if you want to want it to be fun and not sleazy:
- Escalate Flirting Slowly: This gives you an opportunity to assess cues from the other person. It also allows the other person to refine the cues they're giving you.
- Look For a Cluster of Cues: Instead of looking for only one cue, look for a cluster of cues, including if the other person:
- Makes eye contact with you where they're gazing at you or looks away
- Leans in to minimize the body space between you and them or moves away
- Reaches out to touch you lightly in an appropriate way (e.g., upper arm or shoulder)
- Reciprocates your touch in an appropriate way
- Responds by smiling at you or stiffens towards you
- Engages you in fun and "juicy" topics as you get to know each other or if their interaction with you remains more mundane
How to Deal With Misattunements
As I mentioned earlier in my personal example, it can be easy to misunderstand even if you think you're picking up on signals that the other person is interested.
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| Ethical Flirting: Dealing With Misattunements |
The tricky part is to figure out whether what you're seeing is disinterest or if the other person is interested but uncomfortable because you escalated the flirting too quickly.
Be aware that there are different levels of flirting.
For instance, if you were talking and lightly touching the other person's upper arm and they still seemed engaged in flirting with you, but then you touched their hand and they responded by moving away, you need to back off and reassess the situation.
Assuming that you're only misaligned in the moment because you escalated too quickly and the person is actually still interested in you but uncomfortable with what you just did, Dr. Ash recommends that you go back a step to where you last felt you were both aligned.
For example, if you felt aligned at the point when you were both smiling and engaged in a particular topic of conversation, take a step back, recalibrate, and return to the former level of flirting.
If your recalibration doesn't work, you might have to address the so-called "elephant in the room" in a tactful way. This can be awkward, but it's less awkward than if you don't address it at all.
You can address this misattunement by apologizing and naming what just transpired. This can help the other person to see that you're trying to be attuned to them and you want to meet them where they're are in that moment. Then, if they're interested, they can also try to align with you.
Ethical Flirting Online
According to Dr. Ash, online flirting can be even trickier than in-person flirting because you don't have the physical cues to help you to be attuned.
She recommends video chats instead of texting because texting can be confusing.
Either way, her recommendation is that you go slowly. For instance, don't start by asking very intimate questions, like "What are your sexual fantasies?" or "What's your favorite sex position?"
You need to build the intimacy slowly so that when you get the signal that the other person might be ready for more intimate topics. Then, you can bring up the right topics at the right time instead of being offensive.
A slow escalation allows you to proceed to increasing vulnerability as long as you're aligned with the person you like.
In general, whether you're flirting in-person or online, remember that building intimacy includes being curious about them and sharing information about yourself in an appropriate way.
Too many people have a list of questions they ask the other person as if they're an interviewer and forget to be self revealing.
How to Deal with Your Fear of Rejection
Many people avoid making the effort to flirt because they fear rejection.
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| Ethical Flirting and Fear of Rejection |
Fear of a rejection is a common problem due to:
- Uncertainty
- Overanalyzing yourself
- Being overly critical of yourself in terms of what you say and do
- Second guessing yourself
- Previous experiences of rejection
- Unresolved trauma
No one wants to be rejected, but if you're both too shy or afraid of rejection, you could be missing out on opportunities to get to know each other.
Dr. Ash's recommendations on how to overcome your fear, especially if you lack experience with ethical flirting include:
- Put yourself out there so you can get practice with building relational skills (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences)
- Get out of your head (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind)
- Become more embodied by using embodiment practices, like:
- Observing sensations and emotions in your body
- Practicing using your body as an anchor
- Getting grounded
- Learning breathing techniques to calm yourself (see my article: Learn to Do Square Breathing)
- Use positive self talk instead of negative self talk
- Access your sense of openness and curiosity (it's hard to feel anxious when you're in a curious state)
- Focus more on the other person than yourself
- Learn to be adaptable and flexible with regard to the person you're with and the context you're in instead of relying on the same pickup line for everyone
- Be playful and fun if the circumstances allow for it
- Be aware of the types of environments where you feel the most comfortable so you can show your best side as opposed to feeling like an impostor
When to Seek Help in Therapy
When you're engaging in ethical flirting, you can either feel delight in the longing and anticipation or you can feel emotional pain.
If you feel emotionally unfulfilled because you don't have close relationships with friends and family or because you have unresolved trauma, flirting can be challenging for you because you feel insecure and you come across as too hungry for emotional connection.
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| Getting Help in Therapy |
If you don't have other close relationships, learn to cultivate platonic relationships that will nourish you emotionally. Aside from nourishing you emotionally, these platonic relationships can help you to develop interpersonal skills that are similar to the skills you need to make romantic connections.
A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the emotional blocks that get in your way.
So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).
I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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