How Does "Old School" Dating Compare to Contemporary Dating?

I think many people would agree that a lot of the "old school" dating traditions from our parents' and grandparents' time would be considered outdated today (see my article: The Traditional Flirting Style).

Dating Etiquette in the Past and Now

But given how difficult it is for people to meet in large cities like New York once they're out of college these days, maybe it's time to revisit some old school dating traditions that were tossed out after dating apps became such a common way of dating (see my article: Dating: Why Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person).

"Old School" Dating Traditions That Are Considered Outdated Now

What's considered outdated is dependent upon your personal perspective, so I have no doubt that some people will disagree that these traditions are outdated, but let's take a look at what they are:

• The Man Always Initiated Contact: Although it's still mostly men who initiate contact, women also initiate contact now as part of heterosexual dating. Most people wouldn't lift an eyebrow if a woman initiated a conversation with a man.  These days women aren't relegated to the sidelines in a passive position waiting for the man to make the first move.  And, in my opinion, this is a good thing for both men and women.

• People Went Out on a Date With a Chaperone: In my grandmother's time, a young woman wouldn't even think of going out with a young man unless they were accompanied by a chaperone or two.  Actually, in my grandmother's time, there would be a bunch of relatives from the woman's family walking right behind the couple. Think of the scene from Godfather II when Michael Corleone and Appolonia Vitelli took a walk in her Sicilian neighborhood with her relatives walking right behind her to keep an eye on things.  The idea was a young woman's reputation was at stake if she was alone with a man.  Most people wouldn't be happy with that tradition today.  

• The Man Always Planned Dates: Some women still prefer men to do all the planning for a date, but I think most women don't want to be in the passive position of going along with whatever the man comes up with for their date. Maybe this made sense in the old days when women were much sheltered at home, they didn't get out much and they went from living in their parents' home to their husband's home.  But women these days move out of their parents' home as soon as they're financially able to do so and they have their own money because they work.  In fact, many women are much better date planners than men, so it's not unusual for women to plan at least some of the dates--if not all.  The downside to this is that, if women end up planning all the couple's social events, they're the ones who carry the mental load for this, which is a complaint many women in relationships have these days. 

• The Man Always Paid the Bill: I think this tradition developed years ago because a lot of women didn't work, so they didn't have money to pay for dates.  They might have had a little "mad money" in case they had to take a cab home, but that was usually the extent of it.  Once again, there are divergent views about this. Some people still think men should always pay.  Other people think the man and woman should split the bill. Others feel the man should pay for the first date and then split the bill after the first date.  Some others think the man and woman should take turns paying if they both earn about the same amount. This can be awkward when the the waiter brings the check on the first date, but most people work it out.  

• Women Always Followed the Man's Lead With Regard to Conversations: In my grandmother's day, women were expected to be demur and polite so they let the man lead the conversation.  Serious conversations about marriage, children and sex were considered mostly out of the question on a first date. At the same time, people didn't have as many options as they do now in terms of the type of relationships (e.g., monogamous vs consensual nonmonogamy and everything in between).  So, there's a lot more to talk in terms of what each person is looking for and no one wants to waste time. It seems that people have done a complete 180 degrees in this area where some people bring a list of 38 questions to go over on the first date, like it's a job interview, which can be overwhelming and not fun for anyone. Most people seem to strike a balance on a first date between small talk and finding out about core values.

• Women Didn't Allow Men to Kiss Them on the First Date: This was a pretty strict rule in my grandmother's time. That's not to say that everyone followed it.  It was understood that the man might try, but the woman was supposed to be the
  sexual gatekeeper".  Today it's a matter of personal choice regarding everything from a kiss at the end of the first date to having sex on the first date.  No woman or man should ever feel obligated, and both men and women are more aware of getting consent first (see my article: How to Make Consent Fun).

Dating Etiquette: Consent is Important and Can Be Fun

• Women Played "Hard to Get" Until a Man Made His Intentions Clear: The idea behind this tactic was that a woman would seem more desirable to a man if she was coy and aloof. This was probably acceptable years ago because it gave women some sense of control in dating situations where men were mostly in control. But this also assumed that the only "bargaining power" a woman had years ago was her "virginity" so she needed to hold back for as long as possible or, at least, until marriage (see my article: What Are the Underlying Issues in the Cat and Mouse Game?). While the idea of waiting to have sex until after marriage is mostly considered outdated these days, it's a matter of personal choice: Many women still prefer waiting to have sex until they feel comfortable with a man. Others have no problem hooking up on the first date. There's no right or wrong, as far as I'm concerned. The point is that women have more options today than in my grandmother's time. More options can also add more complexity since things aren't as clear cut these days.  It's also true that attraction plus obstacles is exciting even today, as Sex Therapist Dr. Jack Morin stated in his book, The Erotic Mind. So, some obstacles at the beginning can be more sexually alluring. 

"Old School" Dating Traditions That Might Be Good to Bring Back

Once again, in terms of "old school" dating traditions, each person has to decide on their own what's best for them, but here are a few traditions that might be appealing to some people who are fed up with the current dating scene:

• Use Your Phone to Ask For a Date: Texting is okay for brief communication on logistics, but when it comes to asking someone out on a date, there are often miscommunications with texting--no matter how many emojis you use.  Sure, it's convenient, but you can't hear tone and you can't hear a smile in someone's voice.  

Dating Etiquette in the Past and Now

• Meet People in Person, If Possible: People in their 20s and even early 30s might not remember a time when people met in person once they graduated college because they only have ever experienced dating through dating apps.  It's not that people today never meet in person--they do. But the older you get, the more difficult it is to meet people in person these days. Aside from meeting new people through friends, which becomes harder once you're in your mid-to-late 30s or 40s (once most of your friends are married), most people meet through dating apps which is often a disappointing experience, especially if you live in a big city like New York where the feeling is that someone better is just a swipe away on the app.  It's true there are still private parties, if you're lucky enough to be on private party lists; work situations, if dating colleagues isn't frowned upon at work; and meeting at organized events. But I hear many single people complain that they would much rather meet in person than choosing people based on their dating app profiles, but there aren't as many opportunities as there used to be. So, this seems like a change that could be beneficial.  The people who prefer to meet on apps could still do that and the people who prefer to meet in person would have more in-person opportunities.

• Be Considerate and Respectful: There were always some people who weren't polite when people met in person, but most people developed better social skills. Part of this was probably that they had more practice interacting with people in person instead of in such an impersonal way online.  There hardly ever such a thing as being ghosted or, at least, it wasn't as common as it is today. Again this was probably because the consequences of ignoring people in person was greater, since you would see them again, as compared to the anonymity that dating apps provides.  

• Know You're on a Date as Opposed to Just "Hanging Out": There's something refreshing about someone--whether it's the man or woman--saying they would like to go out on a date instead of being vague and asking the other person to "hang out." It's understandable that sometimes you might not be sure how interested you are in the other person, but that's what dating is about--finding out how interested you are in each other.  There's a risk that you might be rejected if you acknowledge you're attracted to the other person, but it makes things a lot clearer from the beginning rather than each person wondering or misunderstanding the intention of seeing each other.

• Spend as Much Time Finding Out About Your Date as You Do Talking About Yourself: As mentioned previously, men were expected to take the lead conversing in the old days. Since women were expected to be much more demur, they probably said a lot less about themselves.  But these days, it's a good idea not monopolize the conversation with details of your life and to show interest in your date by asking appropriate questions.

• Putting Your Phone Away During the Date: It's rude to have a phone on the table--except if you're expecting an urgent call.  Put your phone away. At the very least, turn it off and put it face down, but off the table is best. This way you can pay attention and remain attuned to your date without getting distracted.  

Dating Etiquette: Turn Off and Put Away Your Phone

Making Personal Choices

The dating world is much more flexible now than it used to be, which also makes it a lot more complex because there aren't explicit rules. 

Even if you just want to date casually, being polite and considerate will usually make things go more smoothly.  

Treating people like you want to be treated is still a good tradition to follow.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.