Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

In my previous article, Caregiving For a Depressed Mother as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult, I discussed how early dynamics between parent and child often get recreated in adult relationships.  In this article, I'm focusing on a particular dynamic between parent and child where the parent sees the child as his or her "best friend" and the child takes on the parental role (also known as the parentified child) and the parent takes on the child role.

Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

To explore how this parent-child dynamic develops, it's important to realize that the parent who sees the child as a best friend usually was in that same role with one or both of her parents as a child.  In other words, this is often an unconscious repetition, so it doesn't seem unusual to the parent.  On the contrary, it's very familiar because he or she lived through it as a child and considered it to be "normal."

The parent who treats their child as a best friend often didn't get her emotional needs met as a child because of her own role as a best friend to her parent (I'm saying "her," but this is also true of relationships between a parent and a son).

This dynamic can continue to repeat itself intergenerationally, so there can be three or four generations where the children are expected to focus on the emotional needs of the parent instead of the parent taking care of the emotional needs of the child.

This comes at a tremendous emotional cost to the child because she subordinates her emotional needs to the needs of the parent.  On the face of it, this might seem like an impossible task for a child, but many children learn to sacrifice their emotional needs for  their parent's needs, and they become very good at it--to their own detriment.

So, if this is happening intergenerationally, how can a family break this unhealthy cycle?

Well, it often occurs when the child approaches adulthood and struggles to develop a healthy sense of autonomy.  Although this is a healthy sign for the child, it can wreak havoc between the parent and adult child if the parent isn't willing to allow the child to be more independent.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette which explores these dynamics:

Clarissa and Clara
Clarissa started therapy soon after she began submitting her college applications to out of state colleges.

Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

Clarissa was an only child who was still living at home.  Her mother, Clara, was a single parent.  At the point when Clarissa came to therapy, they were arguing about the fact that Clarissa wanted to go away to college.  Although Clarissa stood her ground with her mother, inwardly she felt deeply ambivalent about leaving her mother.

Not only did she fear that her mother would be very lonely without her but Clarissa knew that her mother relied on her when Clara felt especially depressed and discouraged.

On the one hand, Clarissa wanted to be away at college to experience more freedom and have the campus experience before she settled down in a career.  On an intuitive level, she knew this was what she needed emotionally and socially.  But, on the other hand, she felt guilty leaving her mother alone.

When they argued, Clarissa tried not to show her ambivalence because she feared that she would cave in to her mother's wishes and sacrifice her own needs.  But, internally, she was struggling with the possibility of letting go of her role as her mother's best friend.

As Clarissa explored her family history with her psychotherapist, she began to realize for the first time that she and her mother had a similar dynamic to her mother and maternal grandmother.

Similar to the maternal grandmother, Clara was in her mid-teens when she had Clarissa.  They both raised their children without the biological father with the help of their mothers. Clara was her mother's best friend and confidant and they usually did everything together.

When Clarissa revealed to Clara that she wanted to go away to college, Clara was stunned.  She couldn't understand why Clarissa would want to leave their town where their family had roots for many generations.

Clara had always hoped that she and Clarissa would have a similar relationship to the one that Clara had with her mother.  She told her that Clarissa that she considered it a form of betrayal that she would want to move away to college for four years.

Clarissa talked to her therapist about how she grew up listening to her mother's problems.  Even as a young child, she tried to help her mother to overcome feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Even though she was only a young child, she felt she did a good job of shoring her mother up emotionally.  But now, she wanted something more--something for herself for a change.  She asked her therapist, "Am I being selfish?"

Over time, Clarissa's therapist helped her to work through her ambivalence to see that what she wanted for herself was healthy and necessary for her well-being.

Being able to look at her situation through her therapist's eyes, Clarissa could see, for the first time, that what was expected of her as a child wasn't healthy for her.  At the same time, she had a lot of compassion for her mother.

When Clarissa felt ready, she asked Clara to come to a therapy session with her.  Although Clara said she "didn't believe in therapy," she came to the session with a wary eye on the therapist.

When Clarissa explained to Clara why she wanted to go away to college, Clara burst into tears.  Although they had had this same talk many times before on their own, Clara realized that Clarissa made up her mind and it was final.

Clara explained to Clarissa and the therapist that she wanted what was best for her daughter, but she felt it would be unbearable for her to be home alone, especially since her mother died the year before.  She would have no one.

Clara idealized her relationship with her mother and told them that, from the time Clarissa was born, she wanted the same relationship with Clarissa that she and her mother had.  She was her mother's best friend and she hoped that Clarissa would be her best friend always.

But now that Clarissa wanted to go away, she saw all of this falling apart for her.  She couldn't understand why Clarissa couldn't go to the local college so they could remain together.  The therapist suggested that Clara could benefit from seeing her own therapist, but Clara brushed this off.

When Clarissa came to her next therapy session, she told her therapist that she felt more confident in her decision, even though she still felt guilty about leaving her mother.

Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

Eventually, Clarissa went off to college.  She continued to work on the emotional separation process from her mother with a therapist at the counseling center.

Her relationship with her mother remained fraught until her mother began developing her own friendships and interests in her church.

Over time, they were able to repair their relationship.  Clarissa enjoyed her new sense of autonomy and she felt that she was finally taking care of her own emotional needs.

Conclusion
When parents have their own unmet emotional needs from childhood, and especially if they were parentified children with one or both parents, they are more likely to try to get their unmet needs through their children.

This is usually an emotional blind spot for the parent.   In most cases the parent is unaware that she is doing harm to the child.  She's just doing what feels right, often based on her own childhood.

Children will often try to extend themselves beyond their emotional maturity and sacrifice their own needs in order to please their parents.

Even when the child attempts to resist being a parentified child, he or she often feels guilty about not being able to meet their parent's needs.

In order for the child to grow emotionally, the child needs to assert his or her own needs by resisting the parent's attempt to make the child their emotional caregiver.  Resisting the parent is usually very difficult and beyond what most children are able to do.

In order for the parent to grow, the parent needs to mourn that s/he didn't get what s/he needed as a child and find other healthy ways of getting emotional needs met instead of depending on the child.

Getting Help in Therapy
It's often difficult for the child to assert his/her needs for fear of losing a parent's love.  Similarly, it's often difficult for a parent to resist depending upon the child emotionally.

For parent and child, psychotherapy is often helpful to overcome these challenges.

If you're struggling with these issues, rather than struggling alone, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to negotiate these emotional challenges so you can change, grow and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have worked with adult children and parents, both individually and together, to help them overcome these emotional challenges.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Effects of Parental Transference in Therapy

In my earlier articles, I've discussed different types of transference that clients develop in therapy, including Psychotherapy and the Positive Transference and Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference: Falling "In Love" With Your Therapist.  In this article, I'm focusing on another common form of transference, the parental transference.

The Effects of Parental Transference in Therapy

As I've mentioned in my prior articles, developing transference isn't limited to therapy.  People form transferential feelings in other relationships, including with mentors, teachers, a supervisor, in a relationship with a spouse or romantic partner, and so on.

Transference is usually unconscious--at least, at first.  Over time, the client and therapist usually become increasingly aware of the transference and can use the transferential feelings in therapy as part of the therapeutic work.

What is Parental Transference?
The parental transference often develops where the client experiences the therapist as either a maternal or paternal figure.  Often, this has nothing to do with age.  A therapist can be younger than a client and still evoke a parental transference.

The parental transference can be either positive or negative or it can alternate between positive and negative at different times in the same therapy.

When a client's parent is deceased, the parental transference can be especially powerful and often provides an opportunity for a client to work through unresolved feelings toward the parent.

When an adult client has unmet childhood needs, it's not unusual for him or her to develop a parental transference towards the therapist.

The counterpart of transference is the therapist's countertransference.  If the therapist is psychodynamically trained, s/he is usually aware of the client's transference and any countertransferential feelings s/he might have towards a client.

Just as a client can develop a parental transference, a therapist can also develop countertransferential feelings towards the client.  In that case, the therapist has parental feelings towards the client.

A Fictionalized Vignette
Let's look at a fictionalized vignette to illustrate how the parental transference can play out in therapy and how it can be worked through.

John
John came to therapy because he felt anxious around his new director at work.

Although he was successful in his career, he had developed anxiety-related symptoms when the new director replaced the former director, who had retired.

John had a very good relationship with his former director, Joe.  Joe was a mentor and helped John to move up in the company.  Even though John maintained contact with Joe, he missed their talks and his Joe's easygoing style.

John's new director, Nina, came from another company.  She had a reputation for being very talented and innovative in their field.

When John first met Nina, he felt that their meeting went well enough, so he couldn't understand why he felt uneasy with her.  There was nothing objective that John could pinpoint that could explain his anxiety around her.

Even though Nina praised his contribution to a big project and let him know that she was pleased with his work, John was anxious about falling short of her expectations.  No matter how he tried to convince himself that there was no objective reason why he should feel this way, his anxiety increased over time, which is why he came to therapy.

Initially, John was able to form a good therapeutic alliance with his therapist.  But, after a few weeks, he began to worry about how she saw him.  He worried that he wasn't being "a good patient" in therapy because he couldn't figure out why he was anxious around his new director.

The Effect of Parental Transference in Therapy

John's therapist assured him that they were just at the beginning of their exploration of his problem, they would explore this together, and she had no expectation that he would figure it out on his own.

Objectively, John knew that therapy is a collaborative process and that clients aren't expected to determine the underlying cause of their problems.  But, on an emotional level, he felt he was falling short in therapy and that his therapist would soon feel disappointed in him, if she wasn't already disappointed.  He couldn't understand why he felt this way.

Transferential Feelings Are Often Unconscious

As John and his therapist explored his family background, it soon became apparent what was happening at work as well as in his therapy.

As an only child, John grew up feeling closer to his father than his mother.

Whereas John and his father spent a lot of time together camping, going to sporting events and building models, John spent relatively little time with his mother.  She spent long hours at the office and on weekends she was involved in community events.

Whenever John spent time around his mother, he was acutely aware of how impatient she was with him.  She tended to be aloof and critical of him.  John felt like he was a disappointment to his mother, so he felt anxious whenever he was around her.

After John's father died, when he was eight, he missed his father a lot.  He spent many hours alone in his room.  Dinner time with his mother was a lonely affair because she hardly talked and when she did, she would criticize John for falling short in some way.  As a result, John felt like a failure and that he never met up to her expectations.

As his therapist talked to John about parental transference, John began to understand his relationships with Joe and Nina and how he had unconsciously superimposed his parental relationships on them.

John realized Joe was like his father.  Joe was warm, generous and kind, just like John's father.  He also spent time helping John to develop in his career, and he had nurturing qualities similar to John's father.  So, it was easy to see how John would form a positive paternal transference towards Joe.

But Nina was nothing like his mother.  Even though Nina was different than his mother, she was still an authority figure, similar in nature to how a mother is an authority figure in a child's life.  Unconsciously, he kept waiting for her to morph into his mother.  As time went on, John's anxiety increased because of his unconscious anticipation.

John and his therapist also discussed how his anxiety towards her was similar to his anxiety around his mother.  Even though he and his therapist had a non-hierarchical relationship and she was nothing like his mother, he still feared that his therapist would be disappointed in him, similar to how his mother was disappointed in him.

As they continued to explore these feelings, John realized that his problems in romantic relationships often involved his fear that his partner would become disappointed with him.  He realized how this hindered him in terms of starting and maintaining relationships.

As John and his therapist continued to work together, John became aware that he had unresolved trauma related to the loss of his father and his unmet childhood emotional needs with his mother (see my article: What is Child Emotional Neglect?)

He and his therapist did inner child work to mourn what he didn't get as a child, especially after his father died, and to nurturing that younger part of him that felt unloved (see my article: Nurturing Your Inner Child).

Further exploration about his parental transference towards his director and his therapist helped John to differentiate his feelings for his mother and his feelings for his director and therapist.

It also helped John to distinguish who his mother was when he was growing up and who she was now.  He realized that his mother had softened over the years and that she had become a warmer, kinder person with age.

The more John was able to make the differentiation between his mother from his childhood from his mother now, the better he felt.

Working Through Transference and Feeling Confident

Rather than doubting himself, John began to feel confident at work and at ease with his director.

He felt comfortable with his therapist.

Conclusion
Transferential feelings are a normal part of life, whether they occur in therapy, at work or in other important relationships.

Transference is usually unconscious so, initially, people believe that whatever they're feeling about a person is directly related to the person and not affected by earlier feelings.

Psychotherapy offers an opportunity to work through transferential feelings as well as resolve unmet childhood needs and unresolved loss and trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
Transferential issues are difficult to work through on your own.

Transferential feelings are often entrenched, enduring and can last a lifetime if you don't seek help.

Not all therapists work with transference, so if you think that your problems are related to transference (whether this involves transference in a relationship or at work), find out if the therapist that you plan to consult with has been trained psychodynamically (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychodynamically-trained psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame: A Clinical Example

In my last article, I began a discussion about the relationship between perfectionism and core shame by defining core shame and discussing how it often begins in early childhood.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

In this article, which is Part 2, I've provided a fictionalized scenario to show how core shame develops and how it can be overcome in psychotherapy.

Alan
Alan grew up an only child in a household with his parents.  They lived in his maternal grandmother's house.

His grandmother was a domineering woman.  Even though his parents were in their 30s when they had Alan, his grandmother treated his parents as if they were children.

She had her own apartment in her house, but she spent most of her time in their apartment overseeing their daily routine, criticizing his parents, and overruling almost all of his parents' decisions.

Alan's father, who was frustrated with the grandmother's behavior, would urge his wife to stand up to her mother.  But even though Alan's mother was furious with her mother's behavior, she was too intimidated by the mother to stand up to her.  So, the grandmother continued to rule the roost with an iron hand.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

Alan tried to stay out of his grandmother's way because he was afraid of how critical she was of him.  By the time he went to school, his grandmother was overseeing his schoolwork and criticizing almost everything that he did.

He really tried to be perfect in everything that he did to ward off his grandmother's criticism.  But, no matter how perfect he tried to be, she was still critical.

Alan developed into a shy, withdrawn child.  He got good grades, but he was afraid of raising his hand in class because he feared being wrong.

His teachers called his parents up to school several times over the years to talk to them about Alan's shyness and lack of self confidence.

Although his parents understood why Alan had developed these problems, they both felt powerless to stand up to the grandmother.

When Alan moved away to college and got away from his home, he began to open up more.  He excelled academically and became more social.  But he still carried a sense of core shame within him that he tried to hide from others, and he was still a perfectionist.

By the time he entered into his first serious relationship after college, Alan's core shame became evident to his girlfriend as she got to know him better.  She also worried about all the pressure that Alan put on himself to be perfect and suggested that he seek help with a mental health professional.

When Alan came for his session of therapy, he thought he was supposed to already know why he was having problems.  He felt deeply ashamed that he had not already figured out the source of his problems.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

When his therapist told him that he wasn't expected to know the source of his problems and, in fact, it was her job to help him discover the source of his problems, he was somewhat relieved.

After the therapist heard Alan's family history, she suggested that they use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to help him to overcome his shame and the need to be perfect (see my articles:  What is EMDR? and How Does EMDR Work?).

By processing his early childhood traumatic experiences with EMDR, Alan could feel something shifting in him emotionally.

Rather than blame himself for not being perfect and feeling ashamed about this, he had a deep sense that it was his critical and domineering grandmother and his passive parents who had problems when Alan was growing up.

Alan gradually worked on his anger and fear for his grandmother as well as his anger towards his parents with EMDR.

After processing his early childhood memories, Alan's core shame and need to be perfect were alleviated.

Eventually, Alan felt compassion for his grandmother, who was raised by very critical and abusive parents.  He also felt compassionate for his parents, who were too afraid to stand up to the grandmother.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

By the time Alan completed treatment, for the first time in his life he felt free of the core shame and the need to be perfect which had weighed him down since early childhood.

Conclusion
As I mentioned in my prior article, the need to be perfect often comes from a deep sense of core shame that develops in early childhood.

Most people who experience the need to be perfect often don't make the connection between core shame and perfectionism until they come to therapy.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, is most effective in helping clients to overcome core shame which is at the root of perfectionism (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Getting Help in Therapy
Core shame is often at the root of many presenting problems in therapy.

Since core shame is usually unconscious, it's hard to overcome on your own.

Working with a licensed psychotherapist, who has expertise in helping clients to overcome core shame, you can free yourself from the childhood experiences that are at the root of core shame.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

In two prior articles, Perfection vs. Good Enough and Overcoming Perfectionism, I address perfectionism and it's relationship to anxiety.  In this article, I will address the connection between perfectionism and core shame, which develops in early childhood.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

What is Core Shame?
Let's first start by defining core shame.

First, it's important to understand that core shame is different from an appropriate sense of shame, which is adaptive.  An adaptive sense of shame helps children as well as adults learn to behave in ways that are essential to emotional learning.

So, for instance, if a child hits a playmate in anger and he realizes that his action hurt his playmate, he will most likely feel an appropriate sense of shame and remorse about his behavior.  This is part of his emotional learning that his behavior has consequences and the shame is a signal to him that this is not the way to behave.

The shame that he feels is about his behavior and it will help him to learn how to interact with others when he feels angry.  If there are adults to help him, they will teach him that he can do other things that are healthier for himself and other ways to express his anger.

Core shame is a pervasive sense of worthlessness.  There is also usually a fear that others will see that you're worthless and a "fraud" (see my article:  Overcoming Impostor Syndrome).

As opposed to healthy shame, which is about behavior, core shame is feeling ashamed of who you are as a person.

Core shame often results in a strong need to be "perfect," which, of course, is impossible because we're all imperfect as human beings (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

People who feel core shame often feel like they're unlovable and they will be abandoned by others (see my articles: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable and Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

Feeling unlovable and having a fear of abandonment often result in self perpetuating life events.  So, for instance, people who feel unlovable and who fear abandonment, often shy away from relationships or behave in ways that alienate others.  Often, if they do chose to be in a relationship, they will unconsciously choose romantic partners who are unreliable and who will abandon them.

How Does Core Shame Develop and How Is It Connected to Perfectionism?
As I mentioned earlier, core shame develops at a very early age.

When attachment and bonding go well, babies develop a sense of secure attachment.  But when mothers are unable to provide a secure sense of attachment, usually because they didn't internalize a secure attachment with their mothers, infants will eventually develop insecure attachment which will have repercussions for them as young children and as adults.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

One of the repercussions of insecure attachment is core shame.

Since young children are naturally egocentric, they believe that if their mother is neglectful or abusive towards them, it must be their own fault.  They don't understand that their mother's misattunement is due to the mother's problems.  They're too young to understand that their basic emotional needs aren't being met.  Instead, they believe that, as children, they're unlovable and worthless.

These feelings of being unlovable and worthless develop into an unconscious need to be "perfect."  If this unconscious belief could speak, it would say something like, "I know that I'm unlovable and worthless, but maybe if I'm perfect, people will love me.  So, I must do everything that I can do to be perfect."

This is a very simple explanation to how core shame develops.  A more comprehensive explanation would include the how attachment develops and the various forms of insecure attachment (see my article:  The Impact of the Early Attachment Bond).

In my next article, I'll continue to discuss the relationship between core shame and perfectionism and how these problems can be overcome in psychotherapy:  The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame: A Clinical Example.

Getting Help in Therapy
Core shame and perfectionism are common problems that many people struggle with throughout their lives.

If you're struggling with these issues, you can overcome them in therapy with an experienced psychotherapist who has an expertise in these areas.

Rather than struggling on your own, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional so that lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people overcome core shame.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Resentment as a Defense Against Feeling Deep Sadness

People who hold onto resentment for many years often don't realize that holding onto their resentment is a defense against feeling the deep sadness that is underneath the resentment (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment).

Longstanding resentment can become like a hard shell that seals over sadness that would feel too overwhelming to experience.

Resentment as a Defense Against Feeling Deep Sadness

This is often the unconscious function of holding onto resentment--it keeps people from feeling the depth of their sadness.  Often, people who experience longstanding resentment don't even realize that they're carrying around this sadness because it's so well hidden by the resentment.

Even though, on an unconscious level, people with longstanding resentment would rather feel the resentment than the sadness, carrying around the resentment takes it's toll physically and emotionally (see my article: Holding Onto Anger and Resentment is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die).

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario, which is based on many different cases, to see how resentment is used as a defense mechanism to ward off deep sadness, and how this problem can be overcome in therapy:

Ed
Ed came to therapy because he sensed that the ongoing problem that he had with male authority figures at work was related to his unresolved childhood problems with his father (see my article: How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships).

Although Ed was much sought after in his field, he had problems with male authority figures at work which caused problems for him in his career.

Resentment as a Defense Against Feeling Deep Sadness

He would usually start out well on a job until he and his manager disagreed about a business decision, especially if he felt that his manager wasn't hearing him.  Then, Ed would feel such rage and resentment that he barely could contain it.

Since he was very good at what he did, most managers would overlook Ed's resentment.  But Ed knew that he was having an increasingly difficult time containing it.  He also realized it was only a matter of time before he exploded and placed his job in jeopardy.

Resentment as a Defense Against Feeling Deep Sadness

When Ed started therapy, he approached it like a pragmatic business problem.  He wanted to define the problem and find the solution.

Since he had never been in therapy before, I provided Ed with psychoeducation about psychotherapy and how it was different from finding a solution to a work problem (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

It was very helpful that Ed already had some insight into his resentment and that he knew it was related to his problems with his father when he was growing up.  Rather than blaming each manager that he had ever worked for, Ed realized that it was his problem and not theirs.

As we talked about his resentment towards his father, who was authoritarian and lacked empathy for Ed as a child, I asked Ed what kept him holding onto his resentment after more than 25 years.

At first, Ed wasn't sure why he still felt resentment.  He admitted that he had a very different relationship with his father now, who had become a lot more emotionally available for Ed over the years and who was not the same father that he was when Ed was growing up.  In fact, Ed said, they had a good relationship now.

I recognized that Ed had never processed the childhood trauma, and he was stuck emotionally in that earlier time (see my article:  Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

I also sensed that Ed had an unconscious reason for holding onto the resentment and that until we got to these unconscious feelings, he would have a hard time letting go of the resentment.  And, as a result, he would continue to have problems with male authority figures at work.

We began by using EMDR Therapy to process the childhood trauma (see my articles: EMDR Therapy and the Brain and How EMDR Therapy Works).

Over time, Ed was able to reduce the emotional effects of the trauma significantly.  But, at a certain point, the EMDR therapy stalled and, as an EMDR therapist, I recognized that we were dealing with a "block" in therapy that needed to be addressed before we could go on.

I also recognized that, although Ed was able to feel anger and resentment during the EMDR processing, the one feeling that he wasn't in touch with was sadness.

This was significant because anyone who experienced what Ed experienced with his father when Ed was a child would have felt sad.  But Ed wasn't in touch with this feeling at all.

Based on my experience as a therapist, I knew that if I asked Ed directly about the sadness or any other underlying feelings, he would deny it because he wasn't in touch with it at all.

So, I used a technique from Coherence Therapy, which is also used in psychoanalysis, to have Ed free associate about letting go of the resentment.

I gave Ed a part of a sentence and then asked him to free associate to the rest and to keep going for a while.

The stem of the sentence was:  "If I let go of my resentment, _____________________________."

At first, Ed seemed self conscious, but as he continued to free associate to sentence, he went from surface to depth as his unconscious feelings eventually came to the surface.

Initially, he responded by saying things like, "If I let of of my resentment, I would be happier," "If I let go of my resentment, I would get along better with my boss," and so on.

After about five minutes of free association, without even realizing it, Ed said, "If I let go of my resentment, I'll be overwhelmed by sadness."

Discovering that Resentment is a Defense Against Feeling Deep Sadness

At that point, he stopped and looked at me with surprise.  Although he didn't say anything at first, the look on his face said, "Did I really say that?"

Then a few seconds later, Ed began to sob.

After a few minutes when he was able to talk again, he said that this was the first time that he was aware that underneath the resentment was deep sadness.

Although he was surprised and a little confused, he said he also felt a lighter just being able to acknowledge the sadness and cry.  He also began to feel an internal emotional shift.

This was a real emotional breakthrough for Ed.

After that, we were able to continue to work on Ed's resentment and sadness for his unmet emotional needs as a child using EMDR.

Working Through Resentment and Sadness to Lead a More Fulfilling Life

Eventually, he was able to work through his resentment and sadness, and he was no longer affected by his childhood trauma (see my article:  Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Conclusion
It's not unusual for people to hold onto anger and resentment as a way to ward off feeling deep sadness.

The problem is that they aren't aware that they're doing this because the sadness is unconscious.

What often occurs is that, as children, they allow themselves to feel the anger and resentment because those feelings aren't as scary as sadness.

It can also feel more "powerful" to children and adults to feel anger as opposed to feeling sadness, which can leave a people feeling emotionally vulnerable.  This is especially true for children that don't have an adult around to help soothe them and process their emotions.

So, the sadness goes "underground," so to speak, and remains unconscious even when they become adults.

They don't realize that their anger and resentment have become like a protective shield that keeps them from feeling the sadness.

They also don't realize that, as opposed to when they were children, they now have a greater emotional capacity to deal with difficult emotions as adults, especially if they are in therapy with a therapist who has experience working on these types of unconscious issues.

Getting Help in Therapy
Holding onto resentment is often an unconscious defense against feeling sadness or other uncomfortable feelings.

People are often surprised to discover what a relief it is to let go of longstanding resentment and how much better they feel.  They often talk about having more energy and a greater sense of well-being.

If you've had a problem overcoming your resentment on your own, it's possible that your resentment is an unconscious defense against feeling emotionally vulnerable, and you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with this problem.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to discover and overcome unconscious emotional blocks that hindering them from having a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many clients who come to therapy because they feel overburdened by their loved one's problems.  Often, they're the ones who everyone relies on, and they come to  therapy when they feel exhausted from other people's problems.

How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family

But often what they don't realize is that they're participating in this codependent dynamic with their loved ones because they're invested in being the "rescuer" and they're unable to set boundaries with their loved ones (see my article: Assertiveness: Learning to Say No).

It's not unusual for this pattern to start early in life.  It doesn't seem to matter if this person is the oldest, the youngest or the middle child.  Early on, they become the ones that everyone turns to when they're in trouble, and they become accustomed to this role--until it becomes overwhelming.

The following vignette is a fictionalized example, which represents many different cases where the client is the "rescuer" in her family of origin until she feels feels overburdened by this role:

Nina
Nina was the middle child of five children in a chaotic family.  Since Nina's father was often away as an interstate trucker, her mother was left to take care of the children and manage the household.

Of all the children, Nina was closest child to her mother.  At the end of the day, when the younger children were put to bed and the older children were watching TV, Nina would sit with her mother and at the kitchen table and listen to her mother's complaints:  She was tired. She was worried about her elderly mother's health.  She didn't know how she was going to manage the bills.  And so on.

Nina would listen quietly.  Then, she would try to come up with solutions to her mother's problems.  Afterwards, her mother would praise her for being "mother's little helper," which made Nina feel good (see my article: Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships and Ambivalence and Codependency in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin

Whenever Nina was upset about anything, she mostly kept it to herself because she knew that her mother was already overwhelmed and she didn't want to bother her.  Sometimes, she talked to her older sister, but this was rare.  More often than not, Nina's siblings, both younger and older, turned to her for help.

This dynamic continued into adulthood with Nina being the one who attempted to rescue her mother and her siblings.  She would listen to their complaints for hours and try to come up with solutions for them.  Sometimes, she also bailed them out financially, even when it meant sacrificing things that she needed for herself.

By the time Nina was in her early 30s, she was exhausted from trying to rescue her mother and siblings over and over again.  Their problems seemed endless.  No sooner would she help them to overcome one problem than they developed another problem.

She loved her family very much, and she wanted only the best for them, but she didn't know how to deal with her increasing exhaustion.

During a rare time when Nina confided in a friend, her friend told her that she thought Nina was part of the problem because she didn't know how to set boundaries with her family.  She suggested that Nina get help in therapy.

Nina was shocked to hear her friend say this.  She never thought of getting help for herself.  She always thought it was her family members who needed help--not her.

But not knowing what else to do, she decided to give therapy a try.

Initially, Nina had a hard time focusing on herself in therapy.  She felt more comfortable talking about her family member's problems.  So, it took a while for her to be able focus on herself and to get in touch with what she was feeling.

She knew that she felt overwhelmed in a general sense.  But she was so unaccustomed to think about what was going on with her that, at first, she felt selfish for thinking about herself.  She also felt guilty for complaining about her family members (see my article:  Overcoming the Guilt You Feel For Not Being Able to Solve Your Parent's Problems).

Gradually, Nina came to see that she was caught in a dynamic with her family that she was actively participating in.  She saw that it wasn't something that was happening to her--she was an active participant.

How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin

She also began to see another underlying dynamic about herself that she hadn't seen before:  Aside from wanting to be helpful, whenever she helped her family members with their problems, she felt like she was in control and, to a certain extent, omnipotent.

Looking back on her chaotic childhood, Nina was able to see why, as a young child, she would want to feel in control and powerful in a household that often felt out of control.

But as an adult, her life was no longer out of control, and she was ready to give up whatever feelings of  omnipotence she still felt in order to gain peace of mind.

Over time, Nina learned in therapy how to set limits with her mother and siblings.  It wasn't easy and, initially, her family resented this change.

But, gradually, Nina felt how much healthier it was for her to focus on herself first instead of being in the role of a "rescuer."  She also saw that her mother and siblings were able to solve their own problems if she didn't jump in to rescue them, and they felt better about themselves because of this (see my article:  Overcoming the Confusion Between Compassion and Responsibility).

Nina also worked in therapy to deal with her own unmet childhood emotional needs that she suppressed in order to be the parentified child to her mother and her siblings (see my article:  What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Conclusion
Whenever there's an ongoing dynamic between "rescuer" and "rescuee," both people are participating in this dynamic.

How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin

On the surface, it might look like the "rescuee" is the only one who perpetuates this dynamic.  But, on closer inspection, it becomes clearer that this codependent dynamic wouldn't continue without both people actively participating.

Since the role of "rescuer" often begins at a young age, it's often difficult to change.  The "rescuer" often feels guilty and selfish, and the "rescuee" often feels letdown and betrayed by any attempts to change the situation.

During the early stages of trying to change this dynamic, the "rescuer" is often tempted to revert back to what is familiar because attempts at changing the dynamic can feel like swimming against the tide.

Some people never get out of the role of being the "rescuer,"even though they're exhausted from it and feel increasingly resentful.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you recognize yourself as being in the "rescuer" role for loved ones and you've been unable to change this dynamic on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to overcome this dynamic.

Not only will you be helping yourself, you'll also be helping your loved ones to see that they can solve their problems without being dependent upon you.

You might be surprised to discover a sense of well-being when you're not continually trying to fix other people's problems.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients who are caught up in codependent dynamics to overcome this role so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Overcoming Your Fear of Allowing Yourself to Be Happy

As unusual as it might sound, people who have suffered with longstanding unresolved emotional trauma often have a hard time tolerating positive feelings, like happiness.  This can be confusing for both the person who has unresolved trauma as well as his or her loved ones (see my article:  Working Through Emotional Trauma: Separating Then From Now).

Overcoming Fear of Positive Emotions

Although, at first, this might sound illogical, if we take a deeper look at this phenomenon, under certain circumstances, it makes emotional sense.

If you're someone who has a history of emotional trauma (or you're the loved one of someone who has unresolved trauma), I hope this article will clarify this phenomenon and demonstrate how is common under these circumstances.

The following is a fictional vignette below to illustrate these points and how I usually work with these issues:

Jane
Jane came to therapy because she felt like she was "losing it."

She had a long history of emotional trauma, which began in early childhood.  Her early trauma included multiple issues related to abandonment related to her teenage parents and other family members.

Overcoming Fear of Positive Emotions

From the time she was born until her teenage years, Jane was sent back and forth from her mother, who was too young to care for her, to her maternal grandmother.

Unfortunately, after a few months, her grandmother, developed medical problems that prevented her from caring for Jane, so Jane was sent to live with an aunt.  However, her aunt, who had a contentious relationship with Jane's mother, resented taking care of her and sent Jane to live with a great aunt when Jane was two.

Jane's great aunt was nurturing and provided a stable home environment, but Jane was withdrawn and sad.

When Jane started school, her teacher told her great aunt that Jane was having difficulty forming basic relationships with the other children in school.  She tended to be shy and play by herself.  She recommended that Jane's great aunt bring Jane to see a child therapist.

Overcoming Fear of Positive Emotions

Initially, Jane had a hard time connecting with the child therapist, but as time went on, she opened up more.  She was also able to start making friends in school.  However, after several months, Jane's mother, who was now in her early 20s and separated from Jane's father, wanted Jane back.

Although the great aunt wanted to keep Jane, especially now that she was starting to do better in school, she only had an informal arrangement, rather than kinship foster care or adoption, to take care of Jane.  So, she recommended that she and Jane's mother talk to Jane's therapist about it.

The therapist met with the great aunt and Jane's mother and discussed how moving back with the mother would affect Jane, especially since Jane had hardly seen her mother since Jane was given to the grandmother.  She suggested a gradual approach where Jane's mother would begin to spend more time with Jane to see how they would go.

But Jane's mother didn't listen to her.  She uprooted Jane from the only home that Jane knew and brought her to live with her.  She wanted to make up for lost time, but Jane was shy and withdrawn around her and would frequently ask for her grandmother.

Jane's mother didn't understand that Jane needed time to get to know her and adjust to being in her new environment.  She felt that Jane was rejecting her.

After a few months, Jane's mother showed up unannounced at the grandmother's house with Jane's belongings and told the grandmother that things weren't working out, so Jane needed to live with her. Whenever she was brought back to live with her grandmother, Jane was happy.  But after a while, she didn't trust that she wouldn't be uprooted again and again so she wouldn't allow herself to be happy.

This back and forth between Jane's mother and her grandmother continued until Jane was ready to go away to college.

By then, Jane learned to speak up for herself, but she continued to be wary of allowing herself to be happy.  She felt that whenever anything good happened, it was sure to be followed by something bad.

By the time Jane came to therapy, she was in her mid-20s and in a two year relationship with her boyfriend.  Although she loved him and she knew that he loved her too, she was afraid to make a bigger commitment to the relationship.  She feared that something would probably happen in the relationship to disappoint her eventually.

No matter how much her boyfriend tried to convince her that he was committed and wanted to marry her, she wary of getting engaged.

Since she knew that she couldn't continue to live this way, she came to therapy to work on these issues.

As we talked about her childhood history, it became evident that Jane had unresolved childhood trauma that was affecting her now as an adult.

Intellectually, she knew that her boyfriend was trustworthy and committed to her, but on an emotional level, she didn't trust it.

As we talked about how her history was affecting her now, Jane realized that, on an emotional level, she was confusing what happened to her as a child with her situation now (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma That Affects Adult Relationships).

Using EMDR therapy, over time, we processed Jane's trauma so that she was able to work through those earlier issues so that she could be free from her history to have a loving relationship with her boyfriend and she could allow herself to be happy without fear.

Overcoming Your Fear of Allowing Yourself to Be Happy

Conclusion
When children grow up in an unstable environment where they are uprooted and constantly disappointed, these traumatic incidents create a mistrust in them where they never know when they will be hurt again.

As a result, they wary of trusting the good times because they feel that the bad times will inevitably follow, so they don't want to be caught off guard.

Unfortunately, these problems carry over into adulthood and affect adult relationships.

But, with help, these issues can be worked through so that they no longer affect people in their adult lives.

Getting Help in Therapy
If the issues that I've discussed in this article resonate with you, rather than continuing to allow your history to have a negative impact on your current life, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who works with trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Afraid to Allow Yourself to Be Happy?

Even though it might sound counter intuitive at first, there are many people who are afraid to allow themselves to be happy.

Are You Afraid to Allow Yourself to Be Happy?

Why Would People Be Afraid to Be Happy?
Doesn't everyone want to be happy?  You might think so but, psychologically speaking, many people experience a sense of fear or dread when good things happen to them.

The reasons for this vary.  I've listed below some of the most common reasons why people are afraid to allow themselves to be happy.  As you read them, you might be surprised to discover that you identify with some of things on the list or you know someone who might:

• Feeling Undeserving of Being Happy:  There are many people that feel they don't deserve to be happy.  Often, this is the result of traumatic experiences where the person feels that s/he is unlovable in some way.  Whatever the reason, whenever something positive happens that would normally make someone else feel happy, the person who feels undeserving can't allow him or herself to take in the good feelings.

• Fearing Getting Caught "Off Guard":   There are people who are too afraid to allow themselves to be happy because they're afraid that if they let down their guard to let in positive feelings, they're going to be caught "off guard" when something bad happens.  There is a fear that at any moment, while they're enjoying the positive feelings, misfortune is just around the corner and when they least expect it, they'll feel caught unaware and unprepared.  Usually people who experience this have had one or more unresolved traumatic experiences that have created this fear, and they never want to be unprepared again.  So, they would rather sacrifice positive feelings than be shocked again by misfortune.

Fear of Being Caught Off Guard

• Feeling Good is Uncomfortable:  People who are uncomfortable with happy or positive feelings have a hard time allowing themselves to take in those feelings.  If they get a compliment or positive recognition, they squirm and can't allow themselves to enjoy it.  Often, these feelings are unfamiliar and uncomfortable to them because they never learned at an early age to accept feeling good.  But "negative" feelings  are a different story because those are more familiar.

• Fearing that If Something Good Happens, It Will Be Followed By Something Bad:  People who are afraid to allow themselves to feel happy often fear that misfortune will follow good fortune.  Sometimes this is because they've grew up in a chaotic and dysfunctional household where there were lots of ups and downs.  For other people it's a sense that if they don't want to "tempt the fates."

Fear That Something Bad Will Happen

• Feeling Good Brings Up Feelings About Unmet Emotional Needs:  People who have experienced abuse and/or neglect as children will often say that when they allow themselves to be happy, it brings up memories of times when they were younger and their emotional needs weren't met.  It's as if they have a sense of emptiness, which they're normally unaware of, arises to remind them that the happiness that they feel now is only a drop in the ocean as compared to the emotional deprivation that they experienced.

• Fearing That Happiness or Good Fortune Can't Be Trusted:  People who have this fear feel they can't really trust positive emotions because the rug could be pulled out from under them at any time.  Usually, this is based on earlier experiences in a chaotic and unpredictable home environment that leaves them wary of allowing themselves to feel happy.

In my next article, I'll elaborate on this topic with a vignette.

Getting Help in Therapy
Living your life with fear of allowing yourself to be happy is an emotionally depriving and unsatisfying way of life.

Whether you numb yourself emotionally or you live with debilitating anxiety, you're not allowing yourself to experience life to its fullest.

Rather than continuing to live in fear, you could be helped by a licensed mental health professional who knows how to work with people who are afraid to allow themselves to be happy.

Being able to let go of this fear will feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted from you and you'll be free to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of allowing themselves to be happy.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Why Emotional Abuse Might Feel "Normal" to You

People who were emotional abused as a children are more likely to experience emotional abused in an adult relationship as "normal" (see my article:  Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma).

Relationships: Why Emotional Abuse Might Feel "Normal" to You

As compared with people who were emotionally abused as children, people who weren't emotionally are less likely to tolerate abuse in an adult relationship.  Generally speaking, they tend to end emotionally abusive relationships faster than people who experienced abuse as children.

People who have a history of emotional abuse as children will often come to therapy with an intellectual understanding that the abuse they're experiencing in their relationship is a problem, but often they don't feel it emotionally.  

It's not unusual for there to be a disconnect between what they know intellectually and what they feel emotionally because abusive behavior was the norm when they were children.

Rather than "alarm bells" going off in their head when they're being abused in a relationship, they're either too emotionally numb to recognize the abuse or it's just so familiar to them that it seems "normal."

Often, they don't come to therapy until a close friend or relative tells them that they're in an unhealthy relationship (see my article:  Do Your Friends See Things About Your Lover That You Don't Want to See?).

When they begin therapy, they might feel confused about the disconnect between what they know intellectually and what they feel emotionally.

Initially, they might minimize the abuse by telling themselves and their therapist that "It's not that bad."

Once they begin to realize the toll that the emotional abuse has taken on them, they're more likely to see and feel the depth of the emotional damage that the abuse has caused and then become motivated to overcome this problem in treatment (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma So You Can Have Healthier Adult Relationships).

At that point, not only are they recognizing the damage of current abuse, but they also recognize the damage of the childhood abuse and how their history of abuse affects them as adults.

When these clients begin to process the trauma, it's important that their therapist recognizes how daunting this can be, especially for people who have been in denial for years about the childhood abuse.

The Need For Therapist's Empathic Attunement

The therapist needs to be not only empathetic and emotionally attuned to the client, she also needs to prepare the client to do the trauma work in a way that feels emotionally safe (see my article:  The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative For the Client).

If a client doesn't feel emotionally safe, s/he is more likely to abort treatment before the treatment is completed.

The therapist needs to do a thorough assessment of each client to determine how much preparatory work needs to be done before the trauma processing begins.

In a prior article,  I talked about this type of preparatory work, which is usually called resourcing in trauma therapy (see my article:  How EMDR Works).

Even after the trauma work has begun in therapy, the therapist needs to continuously monitor how the client is doing and encourage the client to talk to the therapist about how s/he is responding to the treatment.

Let's talk a look at an example of the dynamic that I've been discussing in this article.  As always, the example is a composite vignette of many different cases to protect confidentiality.

Nina

Nina came to therapy at the urging of her best friend after her friend witnessed, once again, how emotionally abusive Ed was towards her.

Relationships: Why Emotional Abuse Might Feel "Normal" to You

During her first session, Nina talked about how Ed would call her names (like "stupid") when they were around other people and also when they were at home.  This had been going on during the entire time of their four year relationship, and she recognized that other people seemed much more upset about it than she was.

When I asked her how she felt, she seemed unsure.  This lead her realization that most of the time she's out of touch with her emotions, and she has felt this way since she was a child.

When she was a child, she tried to avoid her father, who was highly critical of everyone in the family, including Nina's mother, who was passive.  She remembered closing the door in her room and turning on her radio so she wouldn't hear them argue.

Other times, she would spend hours by herself in her room daydreaming about having different parents who were kind and loving.

There were times when she couldn't avoid her father.  Dinner time was especially fraught because he would berate her for minor issues and call her names.  She would try to eat as quickly as possible to get away from him.

As we continued to explore her earlier experiences of emotional abuse with her father, Nina realized that she was numbing herself with her boyfriend, Ed, in the same way that she did with her father.

We worked on the earlier emotional abuse with EMDR and, as we did, Nina began to gradually feel her feelings.

Over time, she worked through the trauma of that earlier abuse, and she mourned for the family she wished that she had.

As she was working through her family trauma and she was more aware of her feelings, she realized that she deserved to be with someone who would treat her well and she became less tolerant of Ed's emotional abuse.

Relationships: Why Emotional Abuse Might Feel "Normal"

Eventually, Nina left Ed and she met another man.   They cared about each other deeply and he treated her well.

Conclusion
When an adult has a history of childhood emotional abuse, s/he is more likely to repeat this pattern in adult relationships by unconsciously choosing partners who are emotionally abusive.

Often this pattern goes unrecognized because the process is unconscious and also because children who were emotionally abused learn to protect themselves emotionally by numbing themselves.

Emotional numbing often continues into adulthood, which creates blind spots for people who are in abusive relationships.

Even if someone knows that a partner is being abusive, s/he usually has more of an intellectual understanding than an emotional understanding due to the emotional numbing.

Many people who are in emotionally abusive relationships never come to therapy.  Either they're not consciously aware of the abuse.  Or, if they're aware of it, they're too afraid of confronting this problem because they think they will be overwhelmed if they attempt to deal with it.

The therapist's empathic attunement helps the client to prepare to do the work and can make all the difference in being able to work through these problems.

Many people, who have sought help in therapy, have been able to work through these types of issues and, having worked through them, have found life to be a lot more fulfilling.

Getting Help in Therapy
You deserve to be with someone who treats you well.

If you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

Rather than continuing to numb yourself emotionally to both painful feelings as well as good feelings, you could be leading a fuller and happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.