The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Internal Experiences

In a prior article, Developing Your Inner Sense of Being Calm, Grounded and Centered, I began a discussion about developing the ability to be calmer and more grounded and centered in your body. I also provided techniques for how to do that.  But what if you don't have a sense of what's going on in your body and you're having a hard time connecting? That's the topic for this article (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Internal Experience

Developing a Felt Sense of Your Body
Since the mind and the body are connected, it makes sense that what goes on in the body affects the mind and what goes on in the mind affects the body.

Most people are so accustomed to focusing on their thoughts that they don't have experience paying attention to their bodies.  When asked to sense into their bodies, they have no idea how to do this, so this is something I teach many clients in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City and I'll address in this article.

What is a Felt Sense?
A felt sense is an internal bodily awareness that develops as you become more attuned to what's going on in your body.

The concept of a felt sense was developed by the American philosopher, Eugene Gendlin, and it refers to the connection between the mind and the body.  According to Gendlin, who developed Focusing therapy, the felt sense is a combination of emotion, awareness, intuitiveness, and embodiment.

When people begin to practice getting a felt sense, the experience is often unclear to them. Initially, people often describe it as a vague sense of their inner experience.

On the most basic level, they might experience it as various sensations in their body, aches, tension, soreness, tightness and so on.

As they practice and become more attuned to their body, they might begin to become aware of other physical sensations as well as emotions that are linked to those sensations.

How to Begin to Develop a Felt Sense of Your Body
When I work with clients, I often teach them how to develop a felt sense of their body so they can be aware of their emotions and where they feel these emotions in their body.  This is a valuable skill to have in therapy because it allows you to sense what you're feeling and the progress you're making in therapy.

Whether you realize it or not, you've had the experience of having a felt sense of your body many times.  You just might not be accustomed to thinking about your experience in that way.

For instance, when you wake up in the morning and you have a vague sense that you have a sore throat, in order to figure out if your throat is dry or if you really have a sore throat, you might sense into your throat when you wake up, then again after you have a drink of water and later on when you have your coffee or tea.

This sensing in is an initial experience of having a felt sense, and it could include any part of your body.

You can practice doing this when you wake up in the morning by sensing into different parts of your body to develop an increased awareness of your body.

Becoming More Attuned to the Mind-Body Connection Through a Felt Sense
As you become more aware of what's going on in your body, you can begin to connect bodily awareness with your emotions.

I often teach my psychotherapy clients, who are disconnected from what's going on for them physically and emotionally, to develop this skill.

Since emotions are held in the body, you can begin to become more attuned by paying attention to muscle tension in your body.

For instance, you might become aware that whenever you feel angry, you feel tension in your stomach.  Or when you're anxious, you feel tension in your shoulders or lower back, and so on.

How Trauma Affects the Mind-Body Connection
By definition, trauma is a psychological response to an experience that's overwhelming for the individual. What matters is the individual's subjective experience of the event(s).  What might be overwhelming for one person might not be overwhelming for another.

When someone experiences trauma, s/he can lose an ability to experience the felt sense and the mind-body connection.  This is called "dissociation"  or "emotional numbing" which is a self-protecting mechanism to keep the traumatized person from being completely overwhelmed.

There are various degrees of dissociation on a spectrum from mild to severe.  Usually, the greater the impact of the trauma on the individual, the more dissociated s/he becomes.

Although this emotional and physical numbing is self protective, it also creates problems for the individual because s/he has a decreased awareness of emotions and bodily sensations (see my article: What is Emotional Numbing?).

Emotional numbing can decrease awareness of emotional pain but, unfortunately, it also decreases awareness of positive emotions too like joy and happiness.  It can create a feeling of emotional flatness and rob the individual of a rich emotional life.

Emotional numbing can make it difficult for the individual to know what s/he feels at any given time.  Aside from making it difficult for the individual, emotional numbing can create problems in a relationship (see my article: How Trauma Affects Relationships).

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people have a difficult time sensing the mind-body connection, especially if they have suppressed their emotional and bodily awareness because of traumatic experiences.

Experiential therapists, who use mind-body oriented therapy, like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and AEDP, work with clients to overcome the clients' blocked sense of emotions and bodily sensations so they can be aware of their felt sense and live a richer, more fulfilling life (see my articles:  Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy and Experiential Therapy Helps to Create Emotional Breakthroughs).

If you're struggling with unresolved problems that create obstacles for you emotionally and physically, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy (also known as teletherapy or telehealth) while they're out of the office due to the COVID-19 crisis.

Overcoming your problems in therapy will allow to live your life to the fullest.

About Me
I am an experiential therapist who is licensed to provide psychotherapy services, which include psychodynamic psychotherapy, EMDR trauma therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, sex therapy, clinical hypnosis and EFT for couples.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Teletherapy Can Help You Overcome Anxiety

In a prior article, I discussed the advantages of doing teletherapy, which is also called telemental health, online therapy or telehealth.  In this article, I'm focusing specifically on how teletherapy can help you to overcome anxiety (see my articles: Common Reactions to the COVID-19 Pandemic: Fear and Anxiety and Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis).

How Teletherapy Can Help You to Overcome Anxiety

Fortunately, in recent years, the stigma about attending psychotherapy has decreased significantly so that now many people feel more comfortable seeking help from a psychotherapist (see my articles: Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy and Why Is It That It's Usually the Healthiest Family Member in a Dysfunctional Family Who Seeks Help in Therapy?).

Whether you're experiencing persistent anxiety or situational anxiety related to things going on in your life, anxiety can be a debilitating condition.

Not only can anxiety keep you up at night due to insomnia and nightmares, it can also erode your sense of self and interfere with your normal self care routines.  Lack of sleep and interference with your self care routines exacerbates your anxiety and it can precipitate a downward spiral in terms of how you feel.

Different Forms of Anxiety
There are many different types of anxiety, including:

• generalized anxiety
• separation anxiety
• anxiety with depressive symptoms
• adjustment disorder with anxiety
• posttraumatic stress disorder
• obsessive compulsive disorder
• panic disorder (see my article: Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks).
• agoraphobia
• social anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Social Anxiety).

And so on.

Pandemic-related Anxiety
It's not surprising that the COVID-19 crisis has precipitated an increase in anxiety due to many factors, including (but not limited to):

• uncertainty related to the pandemic (see my article: How to Stay Calm During a Crisis)
• fear of contagion
• fear of an unknown future
• fear of going outside
• anxiety related to being isolated
• anxiety related to being lonely (see my article: Coping With Loneliness and Isolation During the Pandemic)

Mental health experts expect a record number of people will seek help for the psychological stress related to the pandemic (see my article: The Emotional and Physical Impact of Loneliness During the COVID-19 Pandemic).

Although it's important to follow the health experts' guidelines for remaining virus free, the emotional toll of being in prolonged isolation without the usual social supports systems that people normally depend on is expected to be significant.

How Teletherapy Can Help You Overcome Anxiety

Most psychotherapists are currently doing teletherapy due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

As I mentioned in a prior article, teletherapy offers many advantages when you're unable to see a therapist in person, including:

• providing a safe environment for you to talk about your distress (see my article: The Holding Environment: Maintaining a Safe Environment For the Client)
• offering guidance on how you can manage your anxiety (see my article: Reducing Stress With the Body Scan Meditation)
• helping you to develop better coping strategies (see my article: Developing Coping Strategies)
• teaching you various anxiety reduction techniques, including meditation (see my articles: Self Care During the Pandemic: Mindfulness Meditation)
• offering you guidance for self care (see my article: Stress Management: Taking Time For Self Care)
• providing you with tips on overcoming insomnia (see my article: Tips For Better Sleep)
• helping you to gain insight into possible distortions in your thinking (see my article: Changing Distorted Thinking)
• helping you to make healthy changes in your lifestyle
• offering emotional support (see my articles: The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During a Crisis)
• providing you with techniques to overcome emotional triggers (see my article: Coping With Emotional Triggers)

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're feeling overwhelmed with anxiety or other forms of emotional distress, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Teletherapy offers a convenient and effective way to get help.

Rather than struggling on your own, take the first step of contacting an experienced psychotherapist.  

An experienced psychotherapist can help you to overcome anxiety and develop a sense well-being so you can move on with your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience as a psychotherapist, I have helped many clients to overcome anxiety-related issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is a Trauma Therapist?

My previous article focused on the importance of making sure that anyone you're considering seeing for psychotherapy is a licensed therapist (see my article: Tips on How to Check If a Therapist is Licensed). The subject of this article, "What is a Trauma Therapist?," will focus on the difference between therapists who are trauma therapists vs. therapists who are generalists.

What is a Trauma Therapist?

Psychotherapists: Generalists vs Specialists

In the medical field there are generalists, like your general practitioner, and the specialists that your general practitioner refers you to when your problem is beyond the scope of the general practitioner's  skills and knowledge.

So, for instance, if the general practitioner thinks you have potential heart problems, s/he would refer you to a cardiologist who has the necessary knowledge and skills you need.  To do otherwise would be irresponsible and unethical of the general practitioner.

Similarly, in the psychotherapy field there are also generalists and specialists.  Generalists are therapists who work with a variety of common problems.  For instance, if a client is having problems adjusting to a new job or a new situation in life, a therapist who is a generalist can help a client to overcome common obstacles that are creating problems for a client.  

But if the generalist discovers that there is significant underlying trauma that is affecting the client's ability to adjust to a new situation and the client isn't making progress in therapy, the generalist will often refer the client to a trauma therapist because the problem is beyond the scope of the generalist's skills and training.

Similar to the medical field, it would be irresponsible and unethical for the generalist to continue working with this client because it would be beyond the scope of his or her skills and training.

After the generalist refers the client to a trauma specialist, the client has a choice of either continuing to work with the generalist and going to the trauma therapist for adjunctive therapy or the client can stop seeing the generalist temporarily (or permanently) to work with the trauma specialist.

What is a Trauma Therapist?

A trauma therapist, like a generalist, is a mental health practitioner who completed all the requirements for state licensure and, in addition, has the training and skills to work with trauma and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

What does this mean? It means that the trauma therapist has gone beyond the training of the generalist with specialized training in trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy (see my articles: EMDR and Emotional Breakthroughs).

Is this enough? No. Many psychotherapists train to do trauma therapy, like EMDR, but they rarely use it.  This means they haven't honed their skills.

In order to develop trauma therapy skills, a psychotherapist needs to see many clients with traumatic experiences and used trauma therapy over a period of time. 

Just like developing any other skill, it's not enough to learn a type of therapy once in a workshop and get little or no practice using it with clients.  Trauma therapy skills need to be practiced over time for a therapist to become skilled at it.  

The importance of skill level was really brought home to me a few years ago when I needed to refer a friend for trauma therapy.  Since she was my friend, I couldn't see her myself, so I needed to refer her to a specialist in trauma.

Although I know many therapists who are trauma therapists, none of them took my friend's health benefits, so I made a request on my professional listserve to try to find someone who did.  In response to my inquiry, a therapist, who was unknown to me, responded that she used EMDR therapy with clients.  She also said she took my friend's health benefits, and she would be glad to meet my friend.  So, I provided this therapist's information to my friend.

It turned out that even though this therapist said she was a trauma therapist, in fact, she was a generalized with a substance abuse background.  She admitted after several weeks of treating my friend that she attended an EMDR workshop, but she never used it.  In effect, she misrepresented herself because she wanted the referral.  Not only was this clinically irresponsible, it was also unethical, and I never made any more referrals to her.  

Fortunately, I was able to find someone else who was a qualified trauma therapist and my friend did well in that therapy.  But I never forgot that experience and, since that time, I ask more detailed questions when I'm making a referral rather than relying on a therapist describing him or herself as a trauma therapist when they're not.

So, while it's important to ask specific questions about the therapist's licensure and training, it's also important to ask how much experience a therapist has with regard to actually doing trauma therapy.  This doesn't mean that you shouldn't work with a beginner who is in training. You might choose a trauma therapist in training if that therapist works for a clinic that offers low fee therapy where the trainee is getting supervision if cost is an issue for you.

Choosing Among Trauma Therapists

Not all trauma is alike.  There are different types of trauma (see my article: What is the Difference Between Shock Trauma and Developmental Trauma?).

Within trauma therapy, some therapists have more experience with some trauma versus other types of trauma.  For instance, one trauma therapist might have more experience with the trauma of parental alienation and less with sexual abuse.  So, it's important to ask about this when considering various trauma therapists.

When you're looking for a trauma therapist, you might decide to have consultations with a few therapists to determine which therapist is right for you (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

On the other hand, if you have a consultation with a trauma therapist and you feel she's the right therapist for you, you might choose that therapist without having other consultations because having several consultations can be time consuming and expensive.  This is a personal decision and each individual chooses what feels right.

Getting Help in Therapy

While the process of finding a trauma therapist might seem daunting, in the long run you can save a lot of time and money by making sure that you're with a specialist who has the necessary qualifications to help you.

Many trauma therapists, including me, are doing effective trauma therapy online during the pandemic crisis. Online therapy is also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Choosing a trauma therapist, instead of a generalist, can make all the difference between effective therapy versus ineffective therapy.  

Rather than struggling on your own with unresolved trauma, get the help you need from a trauma therapist so you can work through your trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

One of my specialties is working with trauma (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Tips on How to Check If a Therapist is Licensed

More and more people are seeking help in therapy.  Unfortunately, it can be a confusing process to try to determine if someone claiming to be a therapist is actually a qualified mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

How to Check if a Therapist is Licensed

Tips on How to Check if a Therapist is Licensed:

It's important to check if a prospective therapist you're considering working with has a state license because working with someone who doesn't have a license means that you're working with someone who is unqualified.  

Not only is this a waste of your time and money, it can also be harmful to you. 

Just like you would want to make sure that a medical doctor is licensed, you also want to make sure that anyone who calls him or herself a therapist has a state license.

Here are some tips to check on state licensure:

• Real Psychotherapists Have a State License
• There are many people who claim they're therapists when they're really not, including life coaches, personal coaches and other people who work outside the scope of their expertise.  
• Anyone can call themselves a therapist, but real psychotherapists have a state license.  

• Why State Licensing Matters For Real Psychotherapists
• Licensing is important because you want to make sure that the person you have chosen to help you with your problems is qualified.  
• A licensed therapist has a verified skillset to help people with various mental health issues.  
• A therapist obtains a license by satisfying various state and clinical requirements and have the necessary qualifications to treat you.
• A licensed therapist have fulfilled the necessary supervised clinical hours and have demonstrated that they have the necessary skills to obtain a license.  
• A licensed therapist has the proper training and experience to be a mental health professional.

• In New York State: Check with the Office of Professions - NYSED Website
• It's important to check that anyone who calls themselves a therapist is licensed.
• When you put yourself in someone's hands to help you with your problems, you want to know that they have the minimum requirements to work with you and that minimum requirement is state licensure.
• When you take it upon yourself to check a therapist's license, you're being a smart consumer of psychotherapy services.
• You can look up if a particular therapist you're considering by name by visiting the website of the licensing organization in the state where the therapist works.  In New York State, you can click on this link, NYSED - Office of Professions, and look up the therapist you're considering by name. 
• 
  
• Why is it Harm to Work With Someone Who Doesn't Have a License?
• Anyone who claims to be a therapist who doesn't have a license isn't a psychotherapist.
• If someone says s/he is a therapist and isn't licensed, they don't have the necessary skills, training and experience to help you.
• From a legal perspective, an unlicensed individual who attempts to practice therapy is committing fraud.
• More importantly, from a clinical perspective, anyone who isn't licensed will be harmful to your mental health and overall well-being.
• An unlicensed person who calls himself as therapist can leave you in a worse state than when you first started because s/he doesn't know what he's doing.
• An unlicensed person who fraudulently says he is a therapist is someone who hasn't demonstrated the basic skills required to be a psychotherapist.
• 
  
• Is a State License Enough to Qualify a Therapist to Treat You?
• Licensure is the minimum requirement for being a psychotherapist.  
• After a psychotherapist obtains a license, s/he must go on to do continuing education to stay current with regard to best practices in the psychotherapy field.
• For instance, if a therapist claims to have a particular expertise, like trauma therapy, s/he must have the necessary education and training beyond graduate school to develop the expertise to do trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
Beyond making sure that a therapist is licensed, finding a psychotherapist who is right for you is usually a process that begins with a consultation to see if the two of you are a good therapeutic match.

You might meet with a particular therapist a few times before you know if you're comfortable with him or her.  Ask questions about how the therapist works with the particular issue you want to work on.

There are many qualified psychotherapists in New York, but you're not going to feel comfortable with all of them, so trust your gut feeling.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, many therapist are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health or telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

If you're struggling with problems and feel overwhelmed, get help from a licensed psychotherapist who is right for you.  Getting the right help from a licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYS psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy while I'm out of my office due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: 10 Reasons Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Doesn't Work

So many people enter into a relationship where they see the "potential" in their partner, but they won't accept how their partner is in the present.  Although men do it too, it's usually women who try to change, "fix" or rescue their partner.  They believe they can get their partner to change to be the way they want him to be.  Many of them become so focused on fixing their partner that they neglect themselves (see my articles: Overcoming Your Need to Rescue Your Loved Ones as Part of a Codependency Pattern and You Want to Change Your Spouse, But You Can't, So What Can You Do?).

Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Doesn't Work

Many people push, prod and try to do everything in their power to get their spouse to change, and no matter how good their intentions are, it usually doesn't work.

Exploring why it doesn't work and how to change this dynamic is the subject of this article.

A Short Fictional Vignette
The following fictional vignette, which is representative of hundreds of clinical cases, illustrates why trying to change your spouse doesn't work:

Helen and Tim
Helen and Tim, who were both in their 40s, were married for 10 years.

After Tim's father died, Tim started gambling compulsively (see my article: Overcoming Grief Gambling).

Prior to his father's death, Tim and his friends would get together every few months to play Poker.  But after his father's death, Tim felt a strong urge to play Poker more often, so he found other games, including online gambling.

At first, Helen wasn't concerned, but when she saw that Tim was spending almost all his free time in Poker games and he was losing money they didn't have, she became very concerned and told Tim to stop.  Tim would respond by promising Helen that he would stop, but he continued to gamble and lose large sums of money.

By then, Helen and Tim were spending a lot of their time arguing about his gambling and no time enjoying themselves the way they used to do before.  Helen was angry most of the time with Tim, and Tim felt resentful.  He felt that Helen was nagging him and acting like his mother.

The situation deteriorated until they were barely talking to one another, and they were no longer sexual (see my article: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex?).

A few months later, they were sitting in a couples therapist office trying to salvage their relationship. Over time, they learned that Tim hadn't grieved for his father and the gambling was not only a distraction, it was also an addictive behavior that gave Tim a dopamine high in much the same way that taking drugs gives a dopamine high.

Gradually, as Helen learned not to nag and to focus on herself, Tim agreed to go to Gamblers Anonymous (GA) and work with a sponsor.  He also entered into his own individual therapy to deal with the loss of his father.  Over time, as he dealt with his emotions, he stopped gambling.

10 Reasons Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Won't Work:

• Trying to Get a Spouse Who is Unwilling and/or Unable to Change is Futile
• Before you try to change your spouse, consider whether he actually wants to change.
• Is he capable of changing?

• Focusing on Your Spouse's Behavior Takes Your Focus Away From Your Own Behavior
• It takes two people to be in a relationship.
• If you're focusing mostly on your spouse's behavior, you might not see how your own behavior affects the situation between the two of you. 

• Focusing on Your Spouse's Behavior Takes Your Focus Away From the Dynamic Between the Two of You
• There's a particular dynamic between you and your spouse.
• When you focus on your spouse's behavior, you might miss that dynamic. 

• Trying to Get Your Spouse to Change Might Be Unrealistic
• Ask yourself how realistic you're being.
• Ask yourself if you can live with the current situation when you consider everything.

• Reframing Your Expectations Might Be More Realistic
• Reframing your expectation is not about accepting abuse or accepting a situation that you find completely unacceptable.
• If your spouse is unwilling or unable to change, is it possible to look at the situation from a different perspective that might make it acceptable to you?

• Pushing Your Spouse to Change Can Erode the Relationship
• No one likes to feel pushed or nagged.
• People rarely change when they feel pushed and, if they do, they do it with resentment which causes other problems in the relationship.

• Trying to Change Your Spouse Puts You in a Parental Role
• When you take on a parental role, you're damaging your relationship--even though you might have the best of intentions (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Spouse Can Ruin Your Relationship).
• Your spouse will probably resent you.
• You will eventually resent being in this role.

• Focusing on Changing Your Spouse Might Make You Lose Sight of What's Good in Your Relationship
• Are you only focusing on your spouse's problems and not seeing what's good in your relationship?
• Has your focus on your spouse's problems overshadowed what's positive?

• Criticizing Your Spouse Can Lead to Divorce
• Being overly critical is a relationship killer (see my article: Learn to Stop Criticizing Each Other).
• Being critical can become habitual.

• Focusing on Yourself and Making Your Own Positive Changes Can Help the Dynamic Between You and Your Spouse
• Rather than focusing exclusively on your spouse's problems, you can focus on yourself.  
• People often focus on their significant other as a way to avoid looking at themselves.
• Practice self care and try to find ways to improve things for yourself (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

Conclusion
People often don't change when they feel pressured or pushed.  Not only is this not an effective strategy, it often does more harm than good.

In order to make significant lasting change, a person has to be internally motivated to change as opposed to complying with someone else's wishes. 

Even though no one should accept abusive behavior or put up with things that they know are unacceptable to them, focusing on yourself is usually more effective than focusing on what you perceive as another person's faults.

Getting Help in Therapy
It's hard to live with problems that you feel are unacceptable, especially when you love someone and also want the best for him or her.

Focusing on yourself might be challenging.  It can also be hard to break old habits of focusing on someone else instead of focusing on yourself.

Even if you're not pressuring your spouse to change, you might find it hard to decide whether to stay or to leave the relationship.

If you're struggling with one or more of these issues, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping clients with these issues.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy and telehealth, while they are out of their office during the COVID-19 pandemic (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing teletherapy sessions during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

5 Tips For Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be

If there's one thing that's clear during this global pandemic, it's that things don't always go as planned  and when you're faced with a crisis, you need to find ways to cope (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis and Fear and Anxiety During a Crisis).

Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be

By the time you become an adult, you've had experiences, both big and small, of being surprised and disappointed when you thought things would go a certain way and they didn't.

Whether these surprises and disappointments were due to people in your life not keeping their commitments or sudden changes in plans or events, you've had to deal with things changing in a way that you didn't want or expect.

Learning to Let Go: 5 Tips on Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be:
When it's obvious that there's nothing you can do to change these circumstances, it becomes a matter of learning to let go of your expectations.

When it's a big disappointment, letting go can be a long process.  It doesn't happen overnight because losses, especially big losses, are challenging.  You need to allow yourself to go through the grief and sadness and whatever fear and anxiety it might bring up for you.

5 Helpful Tips For Letting Go

• Allow Yourself to Go Through the 5 Stages of Grief (see my article:  The 5 Stages of Grief).
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Despair or Depression
• Acceptance

• This process isn't linear and you don't necessarily go from one stage directly to another. You can experience these stages in any order and go back and forth between stages.
• Certain events or memories can also bring you back to the stages of grief, such as an anniversary of the death of a close relative or a birthday.  
• Be kind and patient with yourself (see my article: Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

• Acknowledge the Loss and, When You're Ready, Practice Gratitude
• Rather than sweeping your feelings under the rug, acknowledge that your disappointment is a loss.
• When you're ready, try to remember positive things in other areas of your life where you feel grateful.  You might not be ready to see or acknowledge these things while you're dealing with a big loss.  But, eventually, it might get easier for you to look at them without denying the feelings for your loss (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Ask Yourself If Your Expectations Are Realistic
• While it's true that you might not always know what's realistic and what's not, there might be times when you have expectations of someone who disappointed you multiple times in the past, and you keep hoping and expecting this person will fulfill your expectations each time.
• Recognize the difference between hope and expectations. You might hope you won't be disappointed again by someone who disappointed you repeatedly in the past, but you're not accepting the reality of your situation. You're setting yourself up.
• Having expectations of someone who is either unwilling or unable to meet them is a guarantee for disappointment and hurt.

• Remember Other Times When Things Changed For the Better
• When you first experience a disappointment, you don't always see the silver lining.  Sometimes, it takes time to look back on a situation and see that even though you didn't get what you wanted, eventually things turned out better.
• For example, maybe you lost a job in the past, but then you decided to pivot and go for the career that you really wanted instead of settling for the job you had.

• Set Boundaries With People Who Constantly Disappoint You
• Rather than trying to control or manipulate someone into doing what you want, learn to accept that you won't get what you want from this person and set boundaries with them.
• Setting boundaries will mean different things in different situations (see my article: Setting Boundaries).
• For instance, if you're seeing someone who can't make a commitment to be in a relationship, don't settle for less than you want (see my article: Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problem Making a Commitment?).

Getting Help in Therapy

There are times when, despite your best efforts, you have problems letting go of your expectations.  This might be because the current situation is related to experiences from your past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences From the Past).

If you're having problems letting go, you could benefit from working with a licensed therapist who has experience helping clients overcome this problem.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth, while they're out of the office due to the COVID-19 crisis (see my article:  The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Contacting a therapist for help is often the first step to freeing yourself from obstacles that are keeping you stuck.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy during the COVID-19 pandemic.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

7 Reasons Why You Might Be Struggling to Get Over a Breakup

Breaking up is hard.  Whether it was a mutual decision to end the relationship or you were the one who ended it, breaking up is a challenge, especially in a long term relationship (see my articles: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup and Coping With the Stages of a Breakup).

Breakups Are Challenging 

There's no timetable for when people get over a breakup. Healing is an individual process.  It's understandable that you would want the emotional pain of the breakup to end as soon as possible, but emotions don't always respond to what you want or think.

In addition, most people have unrealistic expectations about healing from a breakup.  Part of this problem might be that they're harsh with themselves (see my article: Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

Another problem is that other people, including friends and family, who have good intentions, also have unrealistic expectations and they might try to push you to "move on" before you've worked through the grief and loss.

7 Challenges After a Breakup
Aside from the heartache which takes time to heal, there can be other issues that make it difficult to get over a breakup:

• Co-Parenting Children Together: 
• If you and your ex have children together, this is a big challenge because you'll need to interact with one another until the children are of age and can go off on their own. 
• There are countless things that need to be worked out when you have children, including: child custody, childcare, child support, housing arrangements, and other co-parenting issues.
• Being able to put aside your differences to focus on your children is paramount, but anger and resentment don't always go away after the breakup, so it takes work to reman primarily focused on the needs of your children (see my articles: Talking to Your Child About Your Divorce and Co-parenting After the Divorce).

• Giving Up the Emotional Ties With Your Ex's Family: 
• Often, the problem isn't just that you're missing your ex--you can also feel strong emotional ties to your ex's family.  
• This makes the loss much bigger.  
• Maintaining emotional ties with your ex's family can be difficult and can keep you feeling stuck in terms of healing from the breakup. Boundaries would need to be negotiated, if it's even possible to do that.

• Maintaining Mutual Friendships: 
• If you and your ex have mutual friends, it can be difficult for you, your ex and your friends to negotiate the boundaries around these friendships.  
• Friends might feel their loyalty is being tested or they might feel that they have to side with either you or your ex.  
• You or your ex might have unrealistic expectations of your mutual friends in terms of sharing information about what's going on with you or your ex after the breakup.
• Your friends might inadvertently tell you things about your ex that are hurtful or they might slip and divulge things you don't want your ex to know.

• Communicating With Your Ex After the Breakup: 
• Assuming for the moment that you and your ex don't have children or other compelling reasons to be in touch, if you're still communicating with your ex, healing from the breakup is going to be that much more difficult.  
• One or both of you might still be holding onto hope that things can be worked out between you.  But if nothing has changed, you're probably going to be facing the same problems that led to the breakup (see my articles: You're Considering Getting Back Together Again, But What Has Changed?).

• Tolerating Loneliness and Redefining the Relationship as "Friends With Benefits:" 
• After a breakup, many people feel lonely (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness).
• Many people would rather go back to a relationship that isn't working out than tolerating loneliness. 
• Some people find being out of a relationship and alone intolerable, so they try to redefine the relationship as being "friends with benefits" and continue to get together with their ex to hook up.  
• In the long run, "friends with benefits" rarely works out for people who are or were in love without confusion and resentment, especially if one person is already dating other people.  The boundary issues get muddied fast.

• Dating Again: 
• After a breakup, some people refuse to start dating again--even after they have healed from the breakup. 
• While there's a reality that dating, especially dating online, can be challenging and discouraging, many people refuse to see other people, even after they've healed.  In those instances, there can be other underlying issues, including unrealistic hopes of rekindling the former relationship or fear of getting hurt again (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Getting Hurt Again).

• Ruminating About Your Ex and Looking at Your Ex's Social Media: 
• It's common to think about your ex after a breakup. You can't just turn off your feelings like a faucet.
• It can take a while to heal and there's no one-size-fits-all time or way to do it 
• If you're spending a lot of time looking at pictures of you and your ex together or doing frequent checks to your ex's social media accounts, you're prolonging your emotional pain and not allowing yourself to heal (see my article: You Can't Stop Looking at Your Ex's Social Media Accounts).

Conclusion
Even under the best of circumstances, breakups are difficult.  Aside from the challenges that I've outlined above, there can be other problems, like unresolved earlier trauma.

For instance, a breakup often triggers old unresolved issues which make it even harder to deal with the breakup.  Many people who felt emotionally abandoned as children have an especially difficult time during a breakup because of this triggering (see my articles: Fear of Abandonment and How Past Psychological Trauma Leaves on in the Present).

Getting Help in Therapy
Working through the grief and challenges of a breakup can be difficult to do on your own, especially if you've been feeling stuck for a while.

If you feel stuck and overwhelmed, you could benefit from working with a licensed NYC psychotherapist after a breakup to help you work through unresolved issues so you can heal.

Most therapists are doing online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) during the COVID19 crisis (see my article: The Advantages of Teletherapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Asking for help can feel scary at times, but remaining stuck is even harder (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

Taking the first step of contacting a licensed mental health professional could make all the difference between prolonging your grief and getting closure that leads to a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy sessions during the COVID19 pandemic.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Stages of Grief During the COVID-19 Crisis

Most of us have been feeling many different emotions, including varying degrees of grief for our losses during this COVID-19 pandemic.  I've been writing articles about psychological reactions and coping strategies to get through this stressful time, including the concept of the 5 Stages of Grief (see my articles: Grieving Losses During the Crisis and Healing and Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis).

The 5 Stages of Grief During the COVID-19 Crisis

I began discussing the 5 Stages of Grief as it relates to the COVID-19 pandemic in an earlier article, and I would like to expand on that discussion here.

The 5 Stages of Grief:

• Denial
• Anger 
• Bargaining
• Despair or Depression
• Acceptance

The 5 Stages of Grief: It's Not a Linear Process
As I've mentioned before, although these stages might appear to be a linear process, they're not.  These stages are fluid.  Most of the time, people move back and forth between stages at various times and people might experience a combination of feelings on any given day.

The 5 Stages of Grief: The Grief Process and COVID-19
Let's take a look at each stage and how it might relate to the grief process that many people are going through now (see my article: Common Defense Mechanisms).

• Denial
• Denial is a defense mechanism.  
• It can be a useful temporary strategy when people feel overwhelmed.  But in the long run, it can keep people stuck and prevent them from successfully moving through the grief process.
• Common reactions during the denial stage:
• "People are overreacting to this problem."
• "It's not any different from the regular flu."
• "I'm a healthy person, so I can't get it."

• Anger
• Anger is often a secondary emotion when people feel too vulnerable to allow themselves to feel emotions like sadness or fear (see my article: Anger as a Secondary Emotion).
• People in this stage often blame others for the problem rather than focusing on their own needs and reactions.
• People can become defiant in terms of following the health experts' advice.
• Common reactions during the anger stage:
• "I don't care what the experts are saying. I'm bored and I'm going to hang out with my friends."
• "No one is going to control me or tell me to do social distancing. I'm my own person."
• "It's __________'s (fill in the blank) fault. If they had been more careful, we wouldn't be in this predicament."
• "Someone's making a buck, and it's not me. I'm not going to quarantine."

• Bargaining
• The bargaining stage often begins when people can no longer be in denial because there's evidence that the pandemic is actually happening and not overblown.
• During this stage, people are starting to come to terms with the reality of the situation, but they're not fully ready to accept it yet.
• Common reactions during the bargaining stage:
• "Okay, the pandemic is real, but I can socialize with others and I don't need to keep distant or wear a mask as long as I wash my hands."
• "The crisis is real, but it'll be over soon. We'll all be back to work in a few weeks."
• "Sure there are people who are sick, but as long as I only hang out with people who are healthy, I'll be okay. I won't get the virus."

• Despair or Depression
• When reality sets because people realize that their other defensive strategies aren't working, despair and depression can set in.  
• People begin to feel hopeless and helpless about the pandemic. They lose a sense of agency and feel powerless.  
• They often feel that they and the situation are beyond help.
• Common reactions during the despair or depression stage:
• "There's nothing that I or anyone else can do. This situation will never improve, so why should I even try to make things better for myself or anyone else?"
• "I'm going to lose everything, and I'll die alone and penniless."
• "If I get sick, no one will be able to help me."

• Acceptance
• If and when people get to the acceptance stage, they're ready to surrender to the current situation and cope with it as best as they can (see my articles: Empowering Yourself During the Pandemic).
• Common reactions during the acceptance stage:
• "Everything is changing, but maybe some things will change for the better."
• "Things are bad, but I can also look for the silver lining."
• "I can't control the pandemic, but I can take care of myself and control my own reactions to it."
• "I can try to find ways that I can help others in a safe and responsible way."

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're having problems coping during this crisis, no matter what you're feeling, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to get through the grieving process.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also known as teletherapy and telehealth, while they're out of their offices during the pandemic (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than feeling stuck and overwhelmed, take action to get help so that you can strengthen your coping skills and feel more empowered.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing therapy online.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reframing Social Connection with Intentionality to Create Meaningful Connections Online

We are social beings, and the need and impulse to connect with others is real, especially during a crisis (see my articles: Coping Wih Loneliness and Social Isolation and Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected Even Though We Are Physically Distant).

We have a need to feel held, embraced and safe in the company of people we trust.  This need to be with others helps us to co-regulate each other's well-being.  This need to be in close physical proximity to others is also in direct conflict to the more pressing need right now to physically distance ourselves from each other to avoid getting getting the COVID-19 virus.

Reframing Social Isolation with Intentionality as You Connect With Loved Ones Online

How to Overcome the Negative Impact of Social Isolation During the COVID-19 Crisis

There's no question that physical distancing from others is necessary during this pandemic.  If you're not essential workers, you must stay home and only go out only when necessary using the precautions recommended by the Center For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Remaining at home and physically distant isn't just difficult because you're feeling bored, more importantly, it goes against human beings' basic instincts to connect with others. 

As people become more physically isolated, the mind and the body go into defensive mode. After a period of being physically/socially isolated, people often become more anxious, fearful and worried (see my article:  Common Reactions to the COVID-19 Crisis: Fear and Anxiety).

Given that physical distancing creates a paradox between the needs of your nervous system and your need to survive this pandemic, how do you take care of your need for social connection?

Reframing Social Connection Online with Intentionality

Although you can't be physically connected with friends and other loved ones, you can remain connected online with intentionality.

What Does It Mean to Communicate with Intentionality?
When you're with someone in person, both of you are picking up or attuning to conscious and unconscious signals that you're both sending with regard to what's going on between you.

Aside from the words and the body language, you're picking up on other implicit cues you sense in person about what's being communicated. Sometimes the words and what's being communicated on an unconscious level don't match.

For instance, someone might tell you that they're not angry with you.  But their body language, facial expressions, tension in their body, and the emotional resonance that you sense might be communicating something very different.  Whether you realize it or not, the words are less important than the other cues you're picking up from the other person.

Another example would be that when someone says, "I love you," aside from the words, you pick up on other cues to understand the meaning behind the words. Does the person's facial expression, body language, and other subtle forms of nonverbal communication, including the resonance you feel between you and them, match their words?  If not, you're not going to believe the words.

How to Communicate Online With Intentionality
Sometimes you might not perceive the nonverbal cues online. So, you need to be more intentional and explicit online than when you're with someone in person.  The good news is that there are ways to do this:

• Human beings are an adaptable species, so we often find alternatives to the ways we normally do things.

• Appreciate and normalize for yourself your impulse to connect meaningfully with others--even as you're inhibiting yourself from doing it in person to remain healthy.

• Monitor your body's need for these social connections. Be conscious of your emotional needs. Reach out to others when you feel the need and be kind to your loved ones who are reaching out to you (see my article: The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Stressful Times).

• Reaching out to loved ones online is powerful.  If online communication isn't available, the phone is the next best thing. Emailing and texting are better than nothing, but not as powerful as seeing and hearing one another.  The problem with texting and emailing is that these modes of communication don't provide facial expressions and voice intonation, which are critical for feeling socially connected.

• The value of seeing someone's face and hearing their voice is powerful to the nervous system and fulfills a basic need for connection.

• It's not about the words.  It's not about chatting or just getting caught up, although this has its place too.  You're not just exchanging content or news.

• Communicating with intentionality is more about conveying with your facial expressions, your voice and your behavior that you care.

• By communicating how much you care with intentionality, you and your loved ones are coregulating each other's nervous systems and well-being so that you feel emotionally and physically better.

• You can each feel a sense of well-being in your body and mind as you help each other to coregulate your well-being. You're feeling connectedness.  This can't be emphasized enough.  Coregulating by seeing each other, hearing each other's voices and communicating with intentionality is a way of grounding each other. You're being attuned with each other.  You're entering into each other's consciousness to say, "You're not alone. I'm here with you and I care about you."

Conclusion

Requiring people to physically isolate from one another is counter to what we are hardwired to do as social beings who need social connections for physical and emotional well-being.

As social beings, we coregulate our physical and emotional well-being through meaningful connections with others.  Yet, the current pandemic requires that we remain at home physically isolated from others.

Although we cannot connect in person, we can do the next best thing, which allows us to reframe social isolation: Communicate with intentionality by using the power of our facial expressions, our words, behavior and voice intonality to communicate that we care.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Many mental health experts are concerned about the long term effects of isolation and loneliness.  

If you're feeling overwhelmed, help is available to you through online therapy, which is also known as teletherapy, telemental health or telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Therapists via Online Therapy, Also Known as Teletherapy, Telemental Health and Telehealth

Working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you through this difficult time can help you maintain a sense of well-being.  

If you're feeling powerless during this time, you can overcome your sense of powerlessness by taking action: Contact a mental health professional who can help you overcome your fear and anxiety.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am working with clients online so we can remain connected.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist,

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips on Getting Along as a Couple During the COVID-19 Crisis

Although being alone and feeling lonely during the COVID-19 crisis is challenging, being in a relationship where you're both staying in your home for long periods of time together can also be challenging (see my article: The Challenge of Keeping Small Arguments From Becoming Big Arguments and Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart).

The sudden shift to all day/all night togetherness can put even the best relationship under a strain (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the Pandemic, Common Reactions to the Crisis: Fear and Anxiety and Grieving Losses During the Crisis).

Tips on Getting Alone as a Couple During the COVID-19 Crisis

Depending upon the relationship, couples are responding differently, but most couples are finding it difficult to deal with the shift to being around each other all the time.

Some couples that were already experiencing a strain in their relationship before the pandemic are finding it even more stressful to be around each other.  Other couples have put aside their differences for now to focus on what they need to do to get through the current crisis.

Many couples will go through different experiences at different times.  Couples that are getting along now might not get along well over time due to the ongoing strain of the crisis and vice versa.

It's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to want different things with regard to time together vs time apart, and this is especially true now (see my article: Learning to Compromise About Time Together vs Time Apart).

In addition, when you live together, there are always other issues that need negotiating.

Whether you're currently having problems in your relationship or not, it's a good idea to anticipate and be prepared for possible problems before they occur.

Potential Problems For Couples During the Pandemic:
With the pandemic, there can be unique issues to deal with that affect the health and well-being of both people, including:

• What to Do If One Person Gets the Coronavirus:
• In the event that one person becomes infected, both people will need to decide how to handle this.  
• The dilemma is that the person who is sick would probably need help to get through the illness. But the uninfected person would be fearful of getting the virus.
• A consultation with your doctor is best.  

• Whether to Stay in NYC or Leave Temporarily to Go to a Second Home (if possible)
• Each person might have different feelings about whether to stay or leave, if they're fortunate enough to have a second home that they can go to temporarily. 
• One person might prefer to stay in New York City and the other person might prefer to leave. They will have to negotiate and might need to compromise about this. 

• How Much Space and Privacy to Give Your Partner
• Different people need varying degrees of alone time. Some people like to be with their partner most if not all the time.  
• If their partner doesn't feel that way, the person who wants to be together most or all the time can feel rejected.  
• Other people need their own space and privacy to have a sense of well-being.  
• If you're living in an apartment that's large enough, this can often be negotiated.  But most New York City apartments aren't large so both people might feel too confined in a small space.

• How to Negotiate Childcare Responsibilities 
• If a couple is accustomed to normally having childcare either in a daycare or with an nanny whose services are no longer available, they need to figure out how to negotiate childcare responsibilities. 
• Older children will, obviously, still need parental care and guidance, but they can be more independent.
• Younger children will need more time and attention, including help with online schoolwork.
• Will each parent can take turns and give the other parent a break? Will they divide up the tasks or come up with some other way?
• If a couple already has differences in terms of childrearing, going through this health crisis can highlight those differences and make things worse.

• Differences in Cleaning Standards Around the Home 
• Many couples already have differences to negotiate around cleaning standards.  One peron might be neater and want to clean more often, and the other person might be a lot more relaxed about it.  
• With the current health crisis, there can also be issues around what and how much to disinfect.

• Whether to Go to the Grocery Store or Order Grocery Online (if possible)
• Most people are trying to minimize their time outdoors, so one person might prefer to order grocery online and the other might prefer to go to the store.  
• The person who wants to order online might have concerns about his/her coming into contact with other people in the grocery store as well as having concerns about the partner's exposure to others.

• Whether to Order Takeout
• This issue is similar to whether or not to go to the grocery store.  
• Some people prefer not to cook.  Others feel safer cooking their own food.

• Whether to Wear Masks Outside or Not (the latest recommendations from the CDC as of the writing of this article)
• There has been some recent confusion about this.  Originally, people in the US were told that there was no need to wear a mask.  Now CDC is recommending the wearing of masks, but they're not mandating it.
• One person might feel strongly that wearing a mask is important, while the other person might not want to wear a mask.  This creates a potential problem because the person who feels strongly about a mask might worry that the partner who doesn't want to wear a mask is putting each of them at risk.

• How to Have Quality Time, Fun and Socialize While Practicing Social Distancing
• Couples who are accustomed to socializing in person with friends and loved ones might feel at a loss about how to socialize with the new requirement for social distancing.  
• One partner might enjoy socializing online and the other partner might not.

And so on.

Tips on Getting Along as a Couple During the Pandemic
There are no right answers to the dilemmas that couples face during the pandemic, but here are some tips that might help, which will require some flexibility, compromise and negotiation:

• Create a Routine and Structure Your Day
• Since both of your routines have been upended, it's important for a couple to come up with a rough schedule for how they will spend their days.  
• Each person might have different needs, so that will need to be taken into account.

• Make Time For Alone Time
• Make time for time apart to work, nap, talk to friends on the phone or online, read, meditate, watch a program the other person doesn't like or engage in other solo activities.  
• Try to be respectful of your partner's need for time apart so that when you come together again you'll feel ready to be in each other's company.

• Learn to Communicate With Each Other Effectively 
• Over time, nerves can get frayed.  One or both of you is bound to either get inpatient or lose your temper.  Expect it (see my article: Learn How to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship). 
• Learn how to take responsibility for your words and behavior and make amends with your partner as soon as you can.  
• Pick your battles.  
• Don't argue over small issues.  It's better to let some things go sometimes rather than arguing about them.
• Tell your partner if you need time to regroup after an argument. 
• It's not unusual for one person to want to work things out immediately and for the other person to need time to cool off first.  
• If you're the person who wants to work things out immediately, recognize that if your partner isn't ready to do it and you push to do it, you'll probably continue to argue, and your partner will resent you.  
• If you're the person who needs time to cool down before you talk, let your partner know about how long you'll need so it doesn't feel endless to them, and don't stonewall (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).
• Remember to express your love and gratitude to your partner (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Spouse).

• Find Meaningful Ways to Connect
• One of the biggest complaints that couples often have under normal circumstances is that they barely see each other during the week because of their busy work schedules and then on weekends they feel too exhausted.
• If you have more time now, talk to your partner about how you would like to spend your time together in a way that's meaningful and enjoyable.
• This could include:
• Spending more time having sex and discovering new things that you both want to do sexually, possibly including a willingness to explore new ways of being together and enjoying each other sexually.
• Redecorating your home
• Learning a new game
• Learning a new language together
• Talking about future plans, including travel plans when it's safe to travel again 
• Reading aloud to each other
• Listening to a podcast together
• Watching a movie you've always wanted to see

And so on.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy
Despite your best efforts, you and your partner might find that getting along during the pandemic
highlights problems that you've had all along that you've never dealt with before.

Even if you got along well before, the stresses and strains involved with too much time together at home, a change in your routine, the loss of things you used to do outside, and the unknowns involved with the pandemic and economy are threatening your relationship.

If you can't work things out on your own, rather than watching the demise of your relationship, you could benefit from atending couples therapy.

Many therapists, including me, are providing individual and couples therapy online (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) while they're out of their offices (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than allowing your problems to destroy your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.  It could save your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have worked with individual adults and couples for over 20 years.

I'm providing online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) during the pandemic.

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) is the therapy I use to work with couples. EFT is one of the best effective and well-researched therapy to help couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.