5 Tips For Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be

If there's one thing that's clear during this global pandemic, it's that things don't always go as planned  and when you're faced with a crisis, you need to find ways to cope (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis and Fear and Anxiety During a Crisis).

Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be

By the time you become an adult, you've had experiences, both big and small, of being surprised and disappointed when you thought things would go a certain way and they didn't.

Whether these surprises and disappointments were due to people in your life not keeping their commitments or sudden changes in plans or events, you've had to deal with things changing in a way that you didn't want or expect.

Learning to Let Go: 5 Tips on Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be:
When it's obvious that there's nothing you can do to change these circumstances, it becomes a matter of learning to let go of your expectations.

When it's a big disappointment, letting go can be a long process.  It doesn't happen overnight because losses, especially big losses, are challenging.  You need to allow yourself to go through the grief and sadness and whatever fear and anxiety it might bring up for you.

5 Helpful Tips For Letting Go

• Allow Yourself to Go Through the 5 Stages of Grief (see my article:  The 5 Stages of Grief).
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Despair or Depression
• Acceptance

• This process isn't linear and you don't necessarily go from one stage directly to another. You can experience these stages in any order and go back and forth between stages.
• Certain events or memories can also bring you back to the stages of grief, such as an anniversary of the death of a close relative or a birthday.  
• Be kind and patient with yourself (see my article: Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

• Acknowledge the Loss and, When You're Ready, Practice Gratitude
• Rather than sweeping your feelings under the rug, acknowledge that your disappointment is a loss.
• When you're ready, try to remember positive things in other areas of your life where you feel grateful.  You might not be ready to see or acknowledge these things while you're dealing with a big loss.  But, eventually, it might get easier for you to look at them without denying the feelings for your loss (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Ask Yourself If Your Expectations Are Realistic
• While it's true that you might not always know what's realistic and what's not, there might be times when you have expectations of someone who disappointed you multiple times in the past, and you keep hoping and expecting this person will fulfill your expectations each time.
• Recognize the difference between hope and expectations. You might hope you won't be disappointed again by someone who disappointed you repeatedly in the past, but you're not accepting the reality of your situation. You're setting yourself up.
• Having expectations of someone who is either unwilling or unable to meet them is a guarantee for disappointment and hurt.

• Remember Other Times When Things Changed For the Better
• When you first experience a disappointment, you don't always see the silver lining.  Sometimes, it takes time to look back on a situation and see that even though you didn't get what you wanted, eventually things turned out better.
• For example, maybe you lost a job in the past, but then you decided to pivot and go for the career that you really wanted instead of settling for the job you had.

• Set Boundaries With People Who Constantly Disappoint You
• Rather than trying to control or manipulate someone into doing what you want, learn to accept that you won't get what you want from this person and set boundaries with them.
• Setting boundaries will mean different things in different situations (see my article: Setting Boundaries).
• For instance, if you're seeing someone who can't make a commitment to be in a relationship, don't settle for less than you want (see my article: Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problem Making a Commitment?).

Getting Help in Therapy

There are times when, despite your best efforts, you have problems letting go of your expectations.  This might be because the current situation is related to experiences from your past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences From the Past).

If you're having problems letting go, you could benefit from working with a licensed therapist who has experience helping clients overcome this problem.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth, while they're out of the office due to the COVID-19 crisis (see my article:  The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Contacting a therapist for help is often the first step to freeing yourself from obstacles that are keeping you stuck.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy during the COVID-19 pandemic.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

As I've discussed in a prior article, Friendships: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice, close friendships are usually an important source of emotional support.  Longstanding friendships add to the quality of your life and you add to the quality of theirs. But sometimes it's necessary to let go of toxic people in your life who are causing you pain, so it's necessary, at times, to reevaluate your friendships (see my article: Letting Go of an Unhealthy Friendship and Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

Reevaluating Your Friendships:

• Your friend, who is narcissistic, tends to focus almost exclusively on herself when you're together, but when you need support, she's "too busy."
• Your friend engages in a monologue about herself and doesn't even ask you how you're doing.  You're just there to witness how "wonderful" she is.
• Your friend has been gossiping about you behind your back, including revealing very personal things you confided in him (see my article: Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal).
• Your friend has been flirting a lot with your wife.
• Your friend tends to put you down and humiliate you in front of others as a way to make herself look superior.
• Your friend criticizes you a lot.
• Your friend tells you you're "too sensitive" after you tell her that she hurt your feelings.
• Your friend is more interested in what you can do for him than he is in you.
• Your friend keeps borrowing money from you and not paying you back, even when she has the money to pay back.
• Your friend cancels plans with you when someone else asks her to do something else.
• Your friend always needs to be the center of attention when you're with a group of people, and this ruins the evening for everyone.
• Your friend tends to sulk if she doesn't get her way in every situation.
• Your friend lacks empathy for you about problems that you're having.  She tells you to "get over it."
• Your friend is easily offended, so you have to "walk on eggshells" with her.
• Your friend is so self centered that you feel alone when you're with her.
• Your friend likes to "one up" you when you and he are around other people.
• Your friend keeps giving you "advice" about how to "improve" yourself, even though you've told her that you don't need advice (see my articles: When to Give Advice and When to Just Listen and Friendships: Losing a Friend After Giving Advice).

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

I'm sure there are dozens more examples of things a so-called friend can do that would make you question whether or not you want this person to remain in your life.

Friends Growing Apart:
Aside from the problematic behavior that I've outlined above, sometimes friends grow apart.

The two of you might have been close at an earlier stage in your life, but you might have each gone in different directions.  This isn't anybody's fault.  It just is.

It might not be a matter of letting go of this friendship completely, but more a matter of recognizing that you're not going to be as close as you were.

For instance, it might be fun to see each other periodically to reminisce about your high school days but, other than that, you no longer have anything in common.

Challenges in Letting Go of a Friendship:
Many people find it difficult to let go of a friendship, even when they recognize that the friendship is unhealthy for them.

Sometimes it's difficult to let go of someone who has shared an important part of your life, especially if this person has been a childhood friend.

You might want to keep giving your friend "one more chance" to see if the friendship can be salvage, but as Maya Angelou once said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Then, again, your own sense of self worth might be so low that you might not feel you deserve to be treated any better.  Often this is an unconscious feeling.

You might also be at a point in your life where you feel emotionally vulnerable and you don't have it in you to end a friendship.  But you'll need to weigh whether keeping this person in your life will make you feel better or worse.

Getting Help in Therapy
Letting go of people in your life isn't easy.

If you allow people to remain in your life who are hurting you, you might need to help to understand the underlying reasons for this so you can take better care of yourself.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to learn if there are unconscious reasons related to an earlier time in your life as to why you can't let go of someone who is hurting you.

Rather than struggling alone with this problem, you could benefit from working with a licensed therapist who has experience helping clients to work through these types of issues.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

There are no rules about grief.  Everyone grieves in his or her own way.  At the same time, many people come to therapy because they sense that they're not allowing themselves to let go of their grief and they remain in a lot of emotional pain.  There are many reasons why people hold onto grief.  It's not unusual for people to hold onto grief as a way to stay connected to a deceased loved one, and this type of holding on often has a detrimental effect on the person grieving as well as their loved ones.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way of Staying Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

In prior articles, I've written about grief, including: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions, Complicated Grief, Grief in Waiting and Allowing Room For Grief.

The type of grief that I'm describing in this article is a grief that often feels almost as painful now as it did when the loss occurred years before.  This often happens because the person who is grieving is actively holding onto the grief, usually unconsciously.  

Discovering the unconscious reasons for actively holding onto the grief is part of the work in therapy.

The following fictionalized vignette, which represents many different cases, illustrates this dynamic:

Mary

When Mary came to therapy, she had lost her father three years before.  She described the emotional pain of her loss as being almost as intense as it had been when she first lost him.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

She came to therapy because she knew on some level that there was more going on for her than just the grief that she felt for her father, but she didn't know what it was.

She had been to therapy before to try to deal with this loss, but none of her prior attempts in therapy helped her.

She kept ruminating about the last time that she saw her father in the hospital and blaming herself for not "doing more" to help him.

When asked what she felt she could have done, she had only a vague idea.  Her father was in the hospital because he had a heart attack after years of neglecting his health and not listening to his doctors to lose weight.

Even though Mary tried to encourage her father to adopt a healthier lifestyle, he continued to smoke and eat foods that his doctor told him weren't good for him.

The reality was that there was nothing that Mary could have done to make her father change his ways, but she remained stuck in thinking that she might not have done enough, and if only she had done more, maybe he would be alive today.

Mary knew that, since her father died, she wasn't paying as much attention to her husband and her daughter, but she felt powerless to change how she felt about the loss of her father and about moving on in her life.

During the first year, her husband was very understanding about her sorrow.  But after that, he started complaining to her that he felt she wasn't emotionally present for him and their daughter.  He told her  that he felt this wasn't fair to him or to their daughter.

Mary understood why her husband felt this way, and she felt guilty for not being as emotionally present  for her family.  She loved her husband and daughter very much, and there was a part of her that wanted to be more present.  But there was also a part of her that wanted to continue to grieve for her father.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

As an only child, when she was growing up, she knew that both of her parents loved her.  But she and her father had a special bond.  She felt that he understood her in a way that no one else ever would--not even her husband.  

Losing that sense of being loved unconditionally, in the way her father loved her, was one of the biggest losses when her father died.  From the time she was a child and throughout adulthood, she knew she could go to her father with any problem and he would never judge her.  

Even talking about this aspect of her loss was excruciatingly painful, even though she had talked about this many times before in her prior therapies.

In many types of therapy, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), a therapist would try to get Mary to see that she wasn't accepting the loss of her father and, until she accepted it, she would continue to suffer.

While this might be true in the most practical sense, this counteractive type of approach is rarely, if ever, helpful for someone who is stuck in unremitting grief.  It usually results in the person who is grieving feeling that they're "wrong" for being unable to let go of their sadness or feeling misunderstood.  This often induces guilt and shame.

A counteractive approach, like CBT, attempts to appeal to the rational part of the brain.  But the problem is that these stuck emotions are in the emotional part of the brain, and counteractive therapies, like CBT, which might be good for other problems, don't work as well when someone is stuck in protracted grief.

CBT might help a client understand their problem on a rational level, but the problem persists on an emotional level.

Rather than using CBT or another form of counteractive therapy, we used an experiential therapy, EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, to help Mary process her grief (see my articles: How EMDR Works, Experiential Therapy, Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs and EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

Using EMDR, Mary was able to access the unconscious reasons why she had been, until then, unwilling to let go of her grief.  The main reason was that, even though her grief was deeply painful, her sadness kept her emotionally connected to her father.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to Deceased Loved Ones

If she wasn't feeling her grief as intensely, she wouldn't feel as connected to her father.  But she also experienced during EMDR therapy what an emotional toll this was taking on her, her husband and her daughter and, for the first time since her father died, she was willing to let go.

Processing her grief with EMDR therapy wasn't easy or quick for Mary but, gradually, she felt a reduction in her grief.

For the first time, she was willing to accept on an emotional level that her father was gone and she would never see him again as well as all the implications of that, including that no one would ever love her in the same way that her father did.

But she also knew that she was loved very much by her husband, daughter, close friends and family members, and she loved them.

She became aware that she wasn't as powerless over her grief as she felt originally.  Her willingness to let go was a significant step in this psychological process.

As her grief subsided, she felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her.  She also discovered that she felt more like herself and she was more emotionally available to her loved ones.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

Whenever she thought of her father, she still felt sad, but it was no longer the crushing grief that it had been before EMDR therapy.

Conclusion
Grief can feel overwhelming for some people, even years after the loss.

For these people, counteractive therapy, like CBT, isn't helpful in many cases because it doesn't provide emotional relief.

EMDR therapy allowed Mary to discover the unconscious reasons why she was holding onto her grief and she decided that she was willing to let go.  EMDR also helped her to complete the mourning process so that her emotional burden was lifted and she was more emotionally available to her family.

Grieving for the loss of loved one is never easy.  It's common to feel sadness, anger, regret and a host of other feelings about the loss.

The Grieving Process

Many people go through the mourning process and within time they're able to resume their life and their relationships.  This doesn't mean that they're not sad when they think of their loss, but they're able to resume functioning in their lives.

For some people, the grieving process becomes protracted over years and it has a detrimental effect on close relationships and everyday life.

Once these unconscious reasons are discovered, people usually realize that, rather than being helpless over their feelings, they have a sense of agency and responsibility.  They can ask themselves if they're willing to let go of the grief.

Often when the pain of holding onto grief becomes greater than letting it go, most people who are experiencing protracted grief become willing to let go.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been struggling on your own to overcome your grief, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping clients to overcome loss.

Being able to let go of grief will allow you to resume your life and your relationships again.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my areas of expertise is working with grief and loss.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Changes: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging

I'm continuing my earlier discussion about the psychological aspects of Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan trilogy, which I started with Part 1 and Part 2 of this topic.  I will continue to focus on Ms Ferrante's first two books in her trilogy, My Brilliant Friend and The Story of a New Name.   In  this article, I'll discuss the topic, developing a sense of belonging.

Developing a Sense of Belonging

Making Changes
As I did in my two prior articles, I'm using the character, Elena Greco, from Ms. Ferrante's novels to illustrate how change, which includes developing your sense of self as a separate person from family and friends, can be challenging and how this challenge can be overcome.

As I mentioned in my prior articles, Elena Greco, through her determination and hard work and with the help of a teacher, was able to transcend her circumstances in a poor town on the outskirts of Naples to fulfill her dream of becoming educated with a much brighter future than she ever could have had if she followed in the footsteps of her parents.

At the same time, as anyone who has made similar changes knows, it's hard to let go of a way of life that has been part of your family for many generations.  It's even harder to feel that, with your education and broader horizons, your family and old friends might see you as being "different" now--even if they still love you and want you to succeed.

Many clients, who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice, who are first-generation American, express how torn they feel emotionally between following their parents'  customs and rituals that have been part of the family for generations and adopting the customs of their new country.  

Some people, who have struggled with this emotional dilemma, learn, over time, to strike a balance between familial customs and new customs.

Others, who find it too difficult, might take an all-or-nothing attitude by either leaving behind all the traditional customs in order to blend in and feel that they belong in their new country, or by resisting all new customs.

Most of the time, it's almost impossible for people not to feel the pull of the traditional culture as well as the new culture.

The character, Elena Greco, who remained in her country, but who might as well have gone to a different country because of the changes involved in moving from a poor town near Naples and going to college in Pisa, is acutely aware of her family's and friends' mixed reactions to her.  She's also aware that she doesn't feel like she belongs in her new surroundings.

A Sense of Belonging is a Basic Human Need
A sense of belonging is a basic human need.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:  A Sense of Belonging is a Basic Human Need

From the time that we're born, we're hardwired for attachment to our primary caregivers and without them, we can't survive.

Similarly, from the days of cave men and cave women and beyond, survival depended upon belonging to a tribe.  No one could go it alone and survive.  During those times, being banished from the tribe meant death.

Although most of us don't live in small tribes anymore, we still have a basic need to belong, whether it's a need to be part of a family, a group or a community with shared values.

Getting back to Ms. Ferrante's character, Elena Greco:  Her story illustrates how painful it can be to make the transition and straddle between two different cultures.  Her story is also emblematic of the experiences of anyone who has made this kind of change.

At first, she was ashamed because she felt inferior to the classmates she met in Pisa.  She was mostly aware of how different she was from them, and she felt she didn't belong there.

Similarly, initially, many people who go through this transition are painfully aware of how different they are from the new group that they are entering into, whether, as in Elena's case, it's a difference of socioeconomic status, language, dress or other customs.  

Whether you're a college student in a new city or someone who has moved to another part of the country or the world, initially, you might feel uncomfortable because you feel like you don't belong.

But many people in this situation discover that they have much more common with people from the new group than they initially realized.  So, while you might be very aware of how you and others are different, it's just as important to realize that you probably have a lot in common too.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:

• Look for and Accept Opportunities For Connection:  Before you get to know people, you might make certain negative assumptions about them.  But you might be pleasantly surprised to discover that your assumptions aren't correct when you take the time to get to know people.  If there are opportunities to connect, accept them, keep an open mind, and get to know others.

• Get to Know People as Individuals:  It's not unusual, at first, to see people who are part of another group as being all the same.  But, in reality, we are all individuals, so it's important, to get to know each person as an individual rather than making assumptions about them because they're part of a particular group.

• Discover Common Values:  Common values can create bonds.  While you might not share the same exact values, looking for some common values can be a start towards developing a sense of belonging.  So, for instance, even though you might be from a different religion, you and the new people that you're meeting might share a wish for there to be peace regardless of religion. This can be a powerful bond.  Or, for instance, you might discover that others have had similar losses and a similar understanding of what it means to cope with loss and emotional pain.  This can also serve as a powerful bond.

• Strive to Be Non-judgmental:  Acceptance is different from agreement.  You might not agree with everything about the new group but, in most instances, you can learn to be nonjudgmental.  This doesn't mean that you take on values that you might not believe in or that you're not discerning about what's best for you.  It does, however, mean that you don't automatically judge someone as unacceptable because you and s/he might have different views.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Sometimes, unfamiliar people and places can be overwhelming, even when you've tried to get to know them and discover commonalities.  You might feel lonely or depressed because you feel like an outsider.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:  Getting Help in Therapy

You're not alone.  Many people before you have struggled with the same problem and have learned to overcome it.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with people in this type of situation.

Getting Help in Therapy to Develop a Sense of Belonging

Getting help in therapy can make all the difference between feeling like an outside and developing a sense of belonging.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life - Part 2

In the first part of this discussion, Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life,  I began a discussion about Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan trilogy and the various themes in her books about change, courage, self identity, loss, friendship, family, trauma and triumph over adversity.

Making Changes:  What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life

In this article, I'm expanding on this topic by discussing the challenges involved with making changes, even when these changes are positive, by continuing to use Ms. Ferrante's stories to illustrate my points.

In Ms. Ferrante's books, starting with My Brilliant Friend, the protagonist, Elena, has an opportunity to continue her education beyond elementary school to high school and even to college.  Coming from a poor community on the outskirts of Naples, Italy in the 1950s where most people are just struggling to survive, this is highly unusual, especially for a girl.

Although there is no doubt that this opportunity is a change for the better, higher education, especially for girls, isn't valued by Elena's parents or most of the people in her small town.

From a practical point of view, her parents are just scraping by, so the cost of a higher education is a luxury that they can't afford, especially in a society that sees women as eventually getting married, having children, and being subservient to her husband.

Determination to Change in the Face of Adversity
How does someone like Elena, who in her wildest dreams, never even imagined that she could attend high school--let alone college, deal with the internal and external conflicts that arise in this situation?

Once the financial obstacles are removed, Elena is determined to succeed even though there are still many practical and psychological obstacles.  She stays focused on what she wants--even though there is still a lot of uncertainty and she knows it will be difficult.

Step by step, she perseveres.  She studies hard.  In situations where she has no experience and she feels socially inadequate, she is a keen observer of others and learns by example.  She also struggles with her internal demons that tell her she's "not good enough."

Feelings of inadequacy and doubt weigh on her throughout much of the story, but her determination, intelligence and ability to adapt help her to keep going.

Making Changes and, as a Result, Feeling Like an Outsider
Elena also struggles with feeling like an outsider among her peers in college, many of whom had opportunities and social experiences throughout their lives that she never had.

Although she earned her right to attend college, she must still confront class and social prejudice among students who are much more privileged than she is.  But she learns to win over these students with her good nature and patience.

Nevertheless, throughout it all, she's aware of not only what she has gained, but also what she has lost while she is in college. This includes the security of the world she has known her all of her life. It also includes the certainty of the role she would have taken as a woman in the 1950s in a small provincial town.

Although, given her dreams, she might not have been suited for this limited role, it seems pretty certain what it would have been:  wife, mother, daughter, sister, someone whose needs would have been subordinated to others' needs.

Even though this limited role might have been unappealing, the certainty of it and her place in her community would have been assured, especially as compared to the uncertainty as she forges a new path, which is unchartered territory for women in that place and time.

Going against the tide in her community, she must also contend with feeling somewhat like an outsider at home because she's now a college student, an intellectual (in a poor community where intellect is often devalued compared to having more concrete skills), and someone who has learned to speak Italian in an eloquent way, as opposed to speaking in the dialect of her community.

So, initially, she feels like an outsider in both worlds.

She has many doubts:  Which world does she belong to once she leaves her home town and goes to college in Milan?  She no longer completely fits in, as she did before, in her home town.  She is also aware that her family and old friends sense this and they are also confused and disturbed by it.  They're ambivalent.  Some people from her home town who admire her also mock her at the same time.  She's different now and, for many of them, her advances highlight their shortcomings.

Anyone who has ever made a major change where it involves going against tradition knows what this feels like.  Certainly, it can feel very lonely, and it takes a lot of courage to persevere (see my article:  Feeling Like an Outsider in an Insider's World).  Even then, it might feel like something old and familiar is irrevocably lost.

This is especially true for Elena because during that time there was no clear path for women to excel in the region where she lived, even women with a college degree.  Times were changing in Italy, but the changes were just beginning to occur in the larger metropolitan cities.

Major Life Transitions and Changes in a Sense of Self
Feeling like an outsider also brings up a related issue, which is how this affects one's sense of self.

As Elena is transitioning from her sense of self from her early days in Naples to her new sense of self as a college educated woman, the change feels daunting.

Even after she receives recognition and praise by her professors and peers, she is constantly afraid of saying or doing "the wrong thing."  She fears that she will be "found out," shown to be an imposture and a fraud to her new acquaintances as well as to herself.

This is a common experience among people who are making big changes during that transitional phase.  For Elena and others in similar situations, they no longer feel completely comfortable in their old world, but they're also not completely comfortable in their new world.

During that initial phase of the change, their sense of self hasn't been integrated and consolidated yet.  This often comes gradually over time.  And the inner critical voice, which says, "Just who do you think you are!?!" can be even more disturbing than the external critical voices.

Integrating Change With the Many Aspects of Self
When you're making major changes, it takes time to integrate these changes to develop a new sense of self.

Over time, your perception of yourself will include the former aspects of yourself before the change as well as the newer aspects.  This is somewhat of an oversimplification, but is generally true.

Often, it's only with the benefit of hindsight and self reflection that you realize how you've changed.

For Elena, this psychological process means that, along with the new aspects of herself that are developing, she also maintains the older aspects of self, her integrity, courage, empathy, and love for the people who are significant in her life--even if they don't feel they really understand her now that she's taken a step away from them by going to college with all the changes that this brings.

Moving Away Psychologically as Part of Changing
Moving away as part of changing doesn't only involve a geographic move.  Often, a psychological move is involved that can be much more subtle than physically moving away.

In Elena's case, her move away from what's familiar starts on a psychological basis as she allows herself to see the possibilities beyond the boundaries of her home town.  This might not sound so extraordinary these days to people living in the modern Western world.  But during the 1950s in her community, where Elena's story begins, the ability to see beyond her current circumstance is amazing at the same time that it's profoundly scary.

The initial phase of this psychological process, taking the psychic space that she needs to become the person that she eventually becomes, is necessary before she can make the geographic move.  Even with all of her initial doubts, she takes a psychological leap of faith that she could have a better life by going to college, even though the road ahead isn't clear.

I think the protagonist's psychological struggles and triumph over adversity is one of the many reasons why Elena Ferrante's novels are so inspiring.

In a future article, I'll continue to expand upon these themes.

Getting Help in Therapy
Change can be challenging.  Rather going through a major life transition alone, you could work with a licensed mental health professional in a supportive therapeutic environment who can help you to feel empowered as you accomplish your goals.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my article:  Making Changes: Developing a Sense of Belonging.

Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life - Part 1

Most of the articles in my psychotherapy blog are about making changes.  These include changes to our internal and external worlds as well as changes in our relationships.  Sometimes making these changes involve making choices about who or what to keep and what to let go of in our lives.

Making Changes:  What We Keep and What We Let Go of in Your Life

Change:  What We Keep and What We Let Go of in Your Life
Change isn't easy, especially when it involves the possibility of letting go of strongly held personal identities, people, places, beliefs and things that have had a profound effect on your life.

Even when you know it's for the best, letting go is hard.  Letting go can affect how you see yourself, how you see others as well as how others see you.

It can mean that you give up someone or something that was cherished for a long time, as when you  give up a way of being, a relationship that has become unhealthy for you or a home.

There are also different levels of knowing.

Often, knowing that change is necessary starts on a purely intellectual level.  At the same time, on an emotional level, you might want to pull back and stay with what's familiar rather than dealing with the unknown.

The deeper emotional knowing often comes over time as the heart and mind become aligned.

Elena Ferrante and Her Neapolitan Trilogy
Based on several recommendations, I recently began reading the Neapolitan trilogy by Elena Ferrante, including My Brilliant Friend, The Story of a New Name and Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay.

As I read these books, I'm reminded, once again, of how much we can learn about ourselves and others from literature.

Over the course of the three books, the protagonist, Elena Greco, narrates her life story and her 60+ year relationship with her best friend, Lila Cerrulo, from the time when they were young girls growing up in a poor town just outside of Naples to their lives as women.  She takes us into the psychological worlds of these characters in a profound and gripping way.

Making Changes:  What We Keep and What We Let Go

There are many themes in Ms. Ferrante's books, including the changes that both characters make to overcome soul-crushing poverty.  These changes involve making difficult decisions as well as sacrifices.

As the narrator, Elena Greco, tells her tale, the reader is drawn in, sharing to this intimate story.

At the same time, the reader can reflect on his or her own life, similar experiences of friendship, family history, love, loss, fear, betrayal, trauma as well as a fierce determination to overcome personal obstacles.

Over the years, the intense friendship between Elena and Lila involves many instances of coming together and moving apart as they each struggle to make sense of their lives and the world around them.  Both of them are intelligent, perceptive and curious.  As children, Lila is the bolder one.

Then, through a combination of personal determination, luck, and outside intervention, one of them has an opportunity for higher education and the other chooses the path of an early marriage and financial stability.

Naples, Italy

There is irony and reversals of fortune along the way.  Efforts that seem long and fruitless bring unexpected surprises.  Efforts that appear to be a sure way out of misery lead to even greater misfortune.

Throughout the years, the two friends maintain a strong inner awareness of each other, even during times of estrangement.

Given how limited and impoverished their world is, both characters, as girls and later on as women, are courageous in the way they're willing to explore their inner world as well as the unknown world outside of their community.

For both characters, in different ways, this often involves going against the tide of long-held traditions, expectations, and community opinion in order to pursue their dreams.  Sometimes, it means risking it all and going it alone in a world where survival often depends on community. 

Ms. Ferrante, who also grew up in Naples, draws readers in with a compelling story and characters are well defined and true to life.  You can't help caring about them deeply as if they're people that you've known intimately all of your life.  And although the story takes place in Italy, Elena and Lila's struggles are universal, which is why I believe Ms. Ferrante has developed such a devoted following.

Not only do we feel that we know these characters--we actually do know them very well--they are each of us at one time or another in our lives. 

It is noteworthy that Ms. Ferrante's devoted following developed despite the fact that Ms. Ferrante (not her real name) remains somewhat of a mystery.

She doesn't do personal appearances to promote her books, nor does she do in-person interviews (her interviews are conducted via email).  She let her publishers know early on that, if there were going to be any prizes for the books, she would not be there in person to accept them.

As of this writing, she hasn't even divulged her real name.  So, her following is based solely on her beautiful writing, excellent reviews (see:  James Woods' review in the New Yorker magazine) and word of mouth among her fans.

Making Changes:  What We Keep and What We Let Go

While reading her books, I've come away with the impression that her stories might be personal, which could be one of the reasons why she prefers to remain anonymous.

Her stories are a reminder that even when change is for the better, it's often not so black or white because even positive changes often come with loss.

Whether it's a change in how we experience ourselves, a change in our close relationships or a change in the place that we call "home," there are often difficult choices to make.

What Does It Mean to "Let Go"?
What does it mean to "let go" of experiences that are deeply felt and have had a negative impact on us?

Certainly, it doesn't mean that we forget them.

The process of letting go of these experiences means letting go of the negative effect they have on us so that they're no longer running our lives, and we're no longer repeating destructive patterns because of these experiences.

If these experiences are particularly traumatic, part of the change, which is often made in psychotherapy, is working through these experiences so they no longer affect us in the present.

We Can Learn About Ourselves and Others Through Literature

I believe Ms. Ferrante's books are such excellent examples of many themes that I write about in my psychotherapy blog and discuss with my clients in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC that I'll continue this discussion in a future article.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to make changes in your life, you're not alone.

Many people who have struggled like you have found it helpful to work with a licensed mental health professional to work on these changes in therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to overcome obstacles that keep you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my article:  Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life - Part 2

Moving Past Your Regrets

Most adults have at least one major regret in their lives that they hold onto and feel unhappy about. Generally speaking, older people tend to be more unhappy about their regrets because they have less time to rectify what they regret or it might be too late for them.  But just holding onto regrets just makes you feel increasingly unhappy, so it's important to learn to let go and move past your regrets.

Moving Past Your Regrets

What are Some of the Most Common Regrets?
While there are many different kinds of regrets, some of the most common regrets tend to involve:

Relationship issues:

• Missing an opportunity to get to know someone who, in hindsight, turned out to be someone you would have wanted to know
• Leaving a romantic relationship too quickly
• Staying in a relationship too long
• Neglecting your relationship
• Contributing to the demise of a relationship due to infidelity

Family issues:

• Being estranged from family members
• Allowing arguments to fester and harden 
• Refusing to accept an apology
• Neglecting to spend enough time with family members

Career decisions:

• Spending more time at work and missing out on family time
• Working too much and missing out on having fun
• Taking a job solely for the money where there is no job satisfaction
• Quitting a job prematurely

Moving Past Your Regrets: Career and Financial Decisions

Financial issues:

• Overspending and running up credit cards to the point of ruining your credit
• Giving into immediate gratification and not saving enough money for the long term, like a house or an apartment or retirement (see my article:  Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Deal with Your Uncomfortable Feelings)
• Feeling buyer's remorse with regard to buying a house or any big purchases 

A Life Without Substance or Meaning:

• Neglecting to consider what's really meaningful to you (see my article: A Search for a Meaningful Life)
• Focusing mostly on short-term pleasure rather than contributing to the well-being of your loved ones, your community and yourself

Moving Past Your Regrets:  Developing a Meaningful Life

See my article:  Listening to Your Inner Voice to Discover Your "Calling" in Life.

Health issues:

• Neglecting and, possibly ruining, your health by not developing a health conscious lifestyle
• Procrastinating about important health issues

How to Move Past Your Regrets When You Can Make Changes:  

Take Action
It's important to take action whether it's external or internal.

So, for instance, if you and a family member are estranged because you severed ties with him or her, assess the situation and consider whether you can take steps to make amends.

You might try sending a carefully written letter or email expressing your regret, owning up to your mistakes, and asking for a reconciliation.  Then, you need to honor his or her response, including a refusal to accept your apology or a lack of response (see my article:  When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected).

Moving Past Your Regrets:  Taking Action

Another example is that if you've gained a lot of weight and it's starting to affect your health, rather than berating yourself, see your doctor and find out what she or he recommends so you can start to take better care of yourself.  Set reasonable goals for yourself (see my article: Achieving Your Goals: Learn to Celebrate Small Successes Along the Way to the Final Goal).

If you've spent most of your life pursuing trendy lifestyle choices, take some time to think about what's really important to you in the long run.  If your life, so far, has left you feeling spiritually and emotionally bankrupt, spend time journaling about your core values and how you can live your life so you honor those values (see my article:  Journal Writing Can Help to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

Accept What You Can't Change
Let's face it:  There will be areas of your life that you regret that you won't be able to change for a variety of reasons.

There are many people who reach the end of their lives and they regret decisions they've made that are too late to change.

As a psychotherapist, I've heard many stories of people who, at the end of their lives, were unable to reconcile with estranged siblings or children.  This is one of the biggest emotional challenges to face when you're close to death.  And for those of us who are younger and healthier, it's a lesson to be learned:  Don't wait until it's too late.

But even if you're not at the end of your life, there will be things that you can't change and which you'll have to accept.

Consider the Lessons You've Learned
If you can make changes and avoid making the same mistakes in the future, that's great.

But even if you can't change what you regret, you can let go of it and realize that you probably learned a valuable lesson that can help you in other areas of your life.

Stop Berating Yourself, Forgive Yourself, and Accept that You're Human
Continuing to beat yourself up for things you did or didn't do won't change anything.  It just makes you feel worse.

Moving Past Your Regrets:  Practice Self Compassion and Learn to Forgive Yourself

A healthy dose of self compassion can go a long way to helping you towards acceptance, letting go, and moving past your regrets.

Getting Help in Therapy
Regret is a common reaction that many people struggle with throughout their lives.

Many people have a very hard time letting go of regrets that continue to haunt them.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health practitioner, who has expertise in helping people to let go of regrets, can help you to make peace with yourself so you can develop a healthier sense of well being.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to let go of past regrets.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.