Don't Be Judgmental. Be Discerning

Many people confuse being discerning with being judgmental, so I'm addressing this issue in this article and why it's important to be discerning (see my article: Listening to Your Inner Voice).

Don't Be Judgmental.  Be Discerning

What's the Difference Between Being Judgmental and Being Discerning?
Being judgmental is being critical, disapproving and negative.

Being discerning is being aware, astute and perceptive.

Fictionalized Vignette: The Difference Between Being Judgmental and Discerning:

Sally
Sally came to her therapy session feeling disappointed in herself.

She told her therapist that she found herself in yet another situation where she wasn't discerning.

In the past, Sally and her psychotherapist had spoken about how Sally got into trouble many times in her life due to her lack of discernment.

Sally explained that she was with her friend, Rita, when they came across a man who was panhandling for money on the street.

Whenever they came across people who were homeless or panhandling, Rita would make disparaging remarks about them, which irritated Sally.

Sally felt that Rita was too judgmental and tended to look down on people.

Since she felt so annoyed by Rita's judgmental comments, Sally reached into her pocket and gave the man a dollar.  Then, he thanked Sally and struck up a conversation with her.

At that point, Rita was so disgusted that she kept going and told Sally that she would see her another time.

Sally felt embarrassed by Rita's behavior, and she tried to be "extra nice" to the man, who introduced himself as Ted.

Ted told Sally that he was down on his luck.  He had just lost his job and would soon lose his apartment if he didn't get a job soon.

He told her that his aunt gave him a $100 bill to tide him over, but none of the coffee shops would break the bill, so he wondered if Sally could give him change so he could get something to eat.

Sally experienced a moment of hesitation, but she didn't listen to her gut feeling that told her not to do it, and she gave Ted change for the $100 bill.

Later that day, when she went to the grocery store and tried to use the $100 bill, the cashier held the bill up to the light and told Sally that it was a counterfeit bill.

Sally was shocked.  She had to leave her grocery with the cashier because she had no other money.

When she went to the bank, the teller verified that the $100 bill was counterfeit and asked her where she got it.  When Sally told the teller about giving change to the man on the street, the teller told her, "You've been scammed."

As Sally talked about what happened with her therapist, she acknowledged that she had a moment of hesitation when Ted asked her for change.  There was a part of her that was suspicious, but she didn't listen to that voice inside her.

Don't Be Judgmental.  Be Discerning

Sally told her therapist that she was trying so hard not to be judgmental, like Rita, that she didn't listen to her gut feeling, "I was just trying to be nice."

Sally and her therapist talked about the issues in her childhood that caused her to doubt herself and how this was connected to her not listening to her gut feeling, her lack of discernment and her pattern of people pleasing (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

Conclusion
People often confuse being discerning with being judgmental but, in fact, they're two very different things.

When you're judgmental, like Rita in the fictionalized scenario above, you're disapproving, negative and critical.

Being judgmental is the opposite of being discerning.

When you're discerning, you use good judgment, you're aware, objective, perceptive and astute.

When you're trying so hard not be to judgmental that you're also not being discerning, it can have very negative consequences for you and your loved ones.

Getting Help in Therapy
It's not usual for people, who lack discernment, to have a family history where they were made to doubt their own objectivity.  As a result, they don't trust their gut feelings and this can result in a lack of discernment.

For other people, it's a particular blind spot in their life.  They want to be "nice," and this clouds their objectivity.

For people who grew up in a critical environment, they're often critical and judgmental of themselves and others.  Their negativity and harshness creates problems in their personal and professional life.

If you tend to find yourself in situations where you realize after the fact that you weren't discerning or in situations where you're too judgmental, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome these problems (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist.

Rather than continuing to suffer the consequences on your own, you could get help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can go on to lead a more rewarding life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome problems with lack of discernment and being overly critical and judgmental.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

As I've discussed in a prior article, Friendships: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice, close friendships are usually an important source of emotional support.  Longstanding friendships add to the quality of your life and you add to the quality of theirs. But sometimes it's necessary to let go of toxic people in your life who are causing you pain, so it's necessary, at times, to reevaluate your friendships (see my article: Letting Go of an Unhealthy Friendship and Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

Reevaluating Your Friendships:

• Your friend, who is narcissistic, tends to focus almost exclusively on herself when you're together, but when you need support, she's "too busy."
• Your friend engages in a monologue about herself and doesn't even ask you how you're doing.  You're just there to witness how "wonderful" she is.
• Your friend has been gossiping about you behind your back, including revealing very personal things you confided in him (see my article: Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal).
• Your friend has been flirting a lot with your wife.
• Your friend tends to put you down and humiliate you in front of others as a way to make herself look superior.
• Your friend criticizes you a lot.
• Your friend tells you you're "too sensitive" after you tell her that she hurt your feelings.
• Your friend is more interested in what you can do for him than he is in you.
• Your friend keeps borrowing money from you and not paying you back, even when she has the money to pay back.
• Your friend cancels plans with you when someone else asks her to do something else.
• Your friend always needs to be the center of attention when you're with a group of people, and this ruins the evening for everyone.
• Your friend tends to sulk if she doesn't get her way in every situation.
• Your friend lacks empathy for you about problems that you're having.  She tells you to "get over it."
• Your friend is easily offended, so you have to "walk on eggshells" with her.
• Your friend is so self centered that you feel alone when you're with her.
• Your friend likes to "one up" you when you and he are around other people.
• Your friend keeps giving you "advice" about how to "improve" yourself, even though you've told her that you don't need advice (see my articles: When to Give Advice and When to Just Listen and Friendships: Losing a Friend After Giving Advice).

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Friendships?

I'm sure there are dozens more examples of things a so-called friend can do that would make you question whether or not you want this person to remain in your life.

Friends Growing Apart:
Aside from the problematic behavior that I've outlined above, sometimes friends grow apart.

The two of you might have been close at an earlier stage in your life, but you might have each gone in different directions.  This isn't anybody's fault.  It just is.

It might not be a matter of letting go of this friendship completely, but more a matter of recognizing that you're not going to be as close as you were.

For instance, it might be fun to see each other periodically to reminisce about your high school days but, other than that, you no longer have anything in common.

Challenges in Letting Go of a Friendship:
Many people find it difficult to let go of a friendship, even when they recognize that the friendship is unhealthy for them.

Sometimes it's difficult to let go of someone who has shared an important part of your life, especially if this person has been a childhood friend.

You might want to keep giving your friend "one more chance" to see if the friendship can be salvage, but as Maya Angelou once said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Then, again, your own sense of self worth might be so low that you might not feel you deserve to be treated any better.  Often this is an unconscious feeling.

You might also be at a point in your life where you feel emotionally vulnerable and you don't have it in you to end a friendship.  But you'll need to weigh whether keeping this person in your life will make you feel better or worse.

Getting Help in Therapy
Letting go of people in your life isn't easy.

If you allow people to remain in your life who are hurting you, you might need to help to understand the underlying reasons for this so you can take better care of yourself.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to learn if there are unconscious reasons related to an earlier time in your life as to why you can't let go of someone who is hurting you.

Rather than struggling alone with this problem, you could benefit from working with a licensed therapist who has experience helping clients to work through these types of issues.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Gaining a New Perspective in Therapy About Yourself and Others

Ingrained negative thoughts can impact how you see yourself and others.  When these thoughts are longstanding and unconscious, you can make assumptions about yourself and the world around you that aren't true.  Understanding and processing these thoughts in therapy can give you a new perspective and improve the quality of your life.  This is one of the many benefits of going to therapy.

Gaining a New Perspective in Therapy About Yourself and Others

Let's take a look at some common negative thoughts:

About Yourself:
"I'm unlovable and nobody cares about me."
"I hate the way I look."
"I'm stupid."
"I never do anything right."
"Nothing good ever happens in my life."
"Nothing is ever going to change in my life so why should I even try to change?"

About Others:
"I can't trust anyone."
"Nobody likes me."
"Everyone has it in for me."
"Nobody ever gives me a break."
"People look at me funny."
"People think I'm ugly."

I'm sure you can probably come up with many other examples, but the examples above are some of the most common ones.

The Effect of Ingrained Negative Thoughts
One of the major problems with ingrained negative thoughts is that people don't question them.  These thoughts are so much a part of their unconscious mind and often buried so deep that people make assumptions based on these thoughts without questioning these assumptions.

Gaining a New Perspective in Therapy About Yourself and Others: The Effect of Negative Thoughts

This can lead to many problems, including lifelong feelings of shame and doubt about themselves as well as missed opportunities in their personal lives and careers.

A Reality Check on a Distorted Perspective
For people who might have some idea that their perspective might be skewed, asking a friend can provide a reality check.

By getting a different perspective, they're often surprised that the assumptions they've made are mistaken.

Gaining a New Perspective in Therapy About Yourself and Others: A Reality Check

This can be very helpful in a particular situation, but for people who have an ingrained pattern of negative thinking, it often doesn't have a generalizable effect.  In other words, it can help with the situation at hand, but it might not help the next time it comes up or in another situation.

It also doesn't get to the root of the problem or help them to recognize what's causing them to think this way or, most importantly, how to change.

In a future article, I'll discuss more about how therapy can give you a new perspective about yourself and others.

Getting Help in Therapy
People who get help in therapy for negative thinking are often relieved to be able to let go of their negative assumptions about themselves and others.

They have an opportunity for a new and more positive perspective.  They also have a better possibility of understanding themselves and others.

They learn to feel better about themselves.  They also learn to have better relationships in their personal lives and in their careers.

If you feel that the way you think is having a negative impact on your life, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise with this problem.

Getting help in therapy could be the beginning of lifting a big burden off your shoulders.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:
Coping With Changes in How You See Yourself

Self Help Tips For Staying Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 2

In my prior blog article,  Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times: Part 1, I introduced the idea that uncertainty, at one time or another, is a common experience for most people.  We can't avoid times of uncertainty, but we can learn how to cope with these difficult times.

Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times

So, I'd like to focus on the kinds of things you can do to get through uncertain times, and then in my next blog article, I'll discuss how I work with psychotherapy clients, who are going through difficult times, when they come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC.

What Can You Do to Help Yourself During Uncertain Times?

Stay in Contact With Your Emotional Support Network During Uncertain Times
During times of uncertainty, it's very important that you stay in contact with your emotional support network.  This is not the time to isolate.  Friends and family, who are emotionally supportive, can help you during difficult times, not only by being available to see you and talk to you, but also to remind you that you've gotten through difficult times before and, chances are, you'll get through this stressful time as well.

On the surface, this might sound simplistic, but looking beyond the surface, it's often true that, when people are going through a lot of stress and they're caught up in their worries, they forget just how resilient and resourceful they really are.

It often takes people who know you well, but who aren't directly involved in the stressful situation, to remind you of your strengths.  This isn't just a matter of cheer leading.  It's really about these loved ones helping you to reconnect with your core strengths, which you can lose touch with when you're filled with worry during uncertain times.

Take Extra Care of Yourself During Uncertain Times
I can't stress this enough:  It's important for you to take extra care of yourself during stressful times.  Many people do just the opposite, and this makes a difficult time even worse.

Getting enough sleep, eating well, engaging in exercise that's right for you, meditating, and finding other healthy ways to take care of yourself is essential to getting through a difficult time.

Also see my blog articles:  
Staying Emotionally Grounded During Difficult Times
Mind-Body Connection: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress

Reconnect With Your Core Emotional Strengths:  What Did You Do When You Were Faced With Challenges in the Past?
It can be very helpful to remember a time that was difficult from the past and to ask yourself how you were able to get through that time.  Even if your current problem is very different from your past problem, there are often core strengths that you can call on within yourself that you might not be in touch with now.

For instance, maybe, in the past, you were able to step outside your problem and be more objective about it.  Maybe this enabled you to think of new possibilities or possible solutions that you couldn't see when you were immersed in your subjective experience of the problem.  Maybe it also enabled you to objectively assess that the odds of the worst case scenario occurring were very low, and this provided you with a sense of relief.

Think of Someone You Admire:  What Would He or She Do?
Sometimes, no matter how much you try, you might not be able to get in touch with your own strengths.  You can get caught up in a cycle of negative thought patterns that rob you of self confidence.

But, taking yourself out of the situation completely and thinking about someone else that you know and admire, you can begin to imagine what that person might do with a similar problem.  This could be a friend, a family member, a mentor, or even someone that you haven't been in touch with for a long time, like your high school coach.


It doesn't matter if this person isn't in your life any more.  In fact, it doesn't even have to be someone that you know.  If you can't imagine anyone you know handling the situation, you can imagine someone that you don't know personally.  So, it can a character from a movie, TV program, play or book that you admire and that you think would be a good role model for you with regard to the particular situation that you're dealing with at the time.

What matters is your ability to use your imagination in a positive way to help you tune into the qualities that you like in this person and to imagine yourself having these qualities as well.

Imagination is Very Powerful in Both Positive and Negative Ways
Just think about how your imagination can take you deeper into worry and self doubt, even when there's not much objective evidence for what you're imagining.

So, rather than using your imagination to create worst case scenarios, why not use your imagination to connect with someone or something that will help you?  It can be just as powerful and lead you out of your sense of worry and stagnation.

Also, see my blog article:
Using Your Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change

I will discuss this further in my next blog article as well as how I help clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC learn to stay calm during stressful, uncertain times.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Help Tips For Staying Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 1

At one time or another, we've all experienced anxiety that's fueled by uncertainty.  We live in uncertain times, and learning how to tolerate uncertainty and to stay calm is important to overall health and well-being.  But how can you really learn to stay calm in the face of uncertainty? I will begin this discussion today by describing this common problem, and in my next article, I'll discuss how I help clients using a mind-body oriented approach to therapy.

Staying Calm During Uncertain Times

Anxiety and Self Doubt, Fueled By Uncertainty, Is a Common Problem
As a psychotherapist in NYC, I see many clients who come to therapy because they're feeling anxious and filled with self doubt about uncertain aspects of their lives.  Unfortunately, for many people, uncertainty permeates every aspect of their lives.   This makes it difficult for them to cope and maintain a sense of emotional balance.

Uncertainty in Our Personal Lives and at Work
Uncertainty can occur in just about any area of our lives, including our personal lives and at work.    The ambiguity that is involved with uncertainty can cause a lot of stress, especially if you allow yourself to go over and over a situation in your mind trying to figure out every angle, every possibility, and every possible solution.

Worrying About Uncertainty Makes You Feel Worse
The more you allow yourself to worry, the more anxious you'll become because, in many situations like this, there are too many unknowns that you can't control, and worrying obsessively only makes you feel worse and less able to cope with the problem.

Let's take a look at an all too common example of uncertainty:
Imagine that you're dating someone that you really like. You always look forward to seeing this person, and she (or he) seems to really like you too.  All along, everything seems to be going well. It looks like this could develop into a wonderful relationship.  Usually, you talk or text every couple of days.

But then, suddenly, out of the blue, you stop hearing from her (or him) for several days.  You leave phone messages and send email, but you hear nothing.  There's only silence and a rising sense in you of uncertainty and anxiety as you wonder what happened.

Uncertainty Can Lead to Anxiety and Self Doubt
This type of situation, and the uncertainty that goes with it, would cause many people to feel anxious.  They would wonder if they were responsible, somehow, for this sudden lack of communication.  A lot of people would obsess about what they said or did during the last date that might have caused this sudden estrangement.

As Anxiety and Self Doubt Build, Even a Negative Response is Preferable to None
A clear answer is usually preferable to ongoing uncertainty, and most people would rather have a definitive answer, even if the answer is "I don't want to see you any more" than to continue to wait and wonder.

Often, in situations like this, the need for clarity can lead to making mistakes as self doubt and anxiety build to an intolerable level.

Anxiety and Self Doubt Can Lead to Regrettable Mistakes
So, let's say you're in this situation, your imagination takes over and your thoughts are off to the races:  "Maybe she (or he) started dating someone else that she likes better and she doesn't want to see me any more."  And as anxiety and self doubt build inside you, you might say to yourself, "She's got some nerve brushing me off this way!  Who does she think she is, anyway?" and you might allow yourself to get carried away by your thoughts and send an angry text in haste.

Then, a day or so later, you get a text back and she tells you that she has been home very sick with a nasty flu, so sick that she couldn't even pick up the phone or write or read a text.  But the first text she saw, as she started to feel a little better, was your angry text, which made her feel awful.  She says that she'd rather not date anyone who can be so cruel, and she asks you not to contact her any more.

So, maybe you wouldn't go as far as sending an angry text, but it's not hard to imagine that many people would.  The point is that in this case and many other similar examples, the anxiety that was fueled by uncertainty and self doubt can lead to your making big mistakes because the imagination conjured up the worst case scenario.

Maybe the situation can be salvaged or maybe not.  But this example highlights the need to be able to develop the capacity to tolerate uncertainty with a sense of calm and emotional balance.

The Mind-Body Connection: Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy
Over the years, I've discovered mind-body oriented psychotherapy is usually the most effective type of therapy for learning to deal with anxiety that is fueled by uncertainty.   

In upcoming blog articles, I'll give you tips on what you can do for yourself to help you get through difficult times.  

I'll also discuss how I use the mind-body connection and, specifically, clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing therapy, and EMDR to help clients to develop the capacity to stay calm during uncertain times.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -- NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see:  Staying Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 2

Taking Control of Your Life

One of the most challenging problems to overcome is to feel that you have little or no control over your life.  Sometimes, there are circumstances (or aspects of circumstances) over which you  have little or no control. 

Taking Control of Your Life

Being very sick, dealing with the death of a loved one or your own impending death are examples where there's little or no control.  But, often, feeling powerless is a state of mind that is learned over time.  It's an attitude that can be overcome so that you can take back control and lead a more fulfilling life.

The following is a fictionalized vignette:

Mary:
Mary grew up in a home where her father dominated the family.  As a former Marine captain, her father was used to giving orders and having them obeyed.  Mary's mother was very passive and she went along with whatever her husband wanted without questioning it. Mary never grew up with a sense of what she wanted or even that she was entitled to want anything.

Mary chose a husband who was very much like her father.  He controlled every aspect of their lives, including their money and their social life.

Mary's husband was a successful business man, so Mary never felt worried about money.  Her husband didn't want her to work, so she stayed home, where there was little for her to do.  They had a full time housekeeper, so Mary often spent her days reading or watching TV.

They had no children because Mary's husband had little patience for children.  Whenever Mary saw a mother with her baby, she felt sad.  But she didn't know why she was feeling sad, and she quickly brushed these feelings aside.

Mary loved her husband, and she knew that he loved her.  But, every so often, she was aware that she felt empty inside.  Whenever she experienced this feeling coming over her, she felt ashamed and confused.  She couldn't understand why she felt this way since her husband provided her with everything she needed.  Sometimes, she felt that she was being selfish and ungrateful when these feelings came over her.

Then, one day, after 25 years of marriage, Mary's husband had a sudden heart attack in the office and he was rushed to the hospital.  Mary rushed to the hospital, but her husband was already dead when she got there.  Mary was stunned and she went through the next few months in a kind of stupor.

The family lawyer had power of attorney made most of the important decisions.  He assured Mary that her husband left her well provided for, and she didn't need to worry about money.  But Mary felt in a constant state of panic, feeling adrift and not knowing what to do with her life.  She spent her days wandering from one room to another in her house feeling sad and overwhelmed.

After several months, Mary's friend recommended that she get professional help to overcome her feelings of powerlessness.  This was a tough decision for Mary to make.  Normally, she would ask her husband what she should do, especially before taking such a big step.  But he wasn't around to ask any more, and Mary wasn't sure what to do.  She was pretty sure that her husband wouldn't approve of her going to therapy.  He would just tell her to "buck up" and that she had no reason to feel unhappy.

Not knowing what to do, Mary went along with her friend's advice and made a consultation with a psychotherapist.  She thought it couldn't hurt to go for one visit.  But a few days before the consultation, she almost cancelled her appointment.  She picked up the phone several times to dial, but she hung up again.  Finally, on the day of the appointment, after debating it back and forth in her head, she went.

This began Mary's road to taking back control of her life, which wasn't easy.  Over time, she realized that she had been feeling emotionally numb for most of her life, and she didn't even know it.  Making even small decisions was fraught with anxiety for Mary.  Before she could tackle any major decisions, she had to first become aware of her own feelings.

Mary's therapist, who practiced mind-body oriented psychotherapy helped Mary to first become aware of her own body because Mary's emotional numbness also included a physical numbness that Mary had never been aware of before.  

Over time, Mary began to be able to identify her emotions based on what she was feeling in her body.  She started feeling alive again in a way she never felt before. At times, experiencing her emotions felt somewhat overwhelming, but Mary's therapist taught her in therapy how to bring herself back into a state of emotional equilibrium early on in their work together.

Mary began to use the emotions she felt in her body to determine what she wanted and to start to make decisions for herself.  It wasn't easy, and she would sometimes feel she wasn't entitled to even want anything for herself.  But she was able to persevere because she liked having a sense of aliveness again, no matter what the feelings were.  To feel something was so much better than to feel nothing at all.

Over time, step by step, Mary overcame the learned helplessness that had been a part of most of her life.  Rather than dreading making decisions, she began to look forward to them as ways to take back control of her life.  

She felt sad for all the years she was emotionally adrift in her life.  But she mourned that loss, along with mourning for her husband, and began to look forward.  She learned that there were some things she couldn't control, but there were many other things in her life that she could control.  As she came emotionally alive again, she felt a renewed sense of self and new self confidence.

What Causes You to Feel You Have No Control Over Your Life?
Sometimes, people feel they have no control over their lives because they've been raised under similar circumstances to Mary, and it becomes a way of life for them to have other people tell them what to do.  Other times, a string of unfortunate circumstances creates self doubt and people feel like they're like a leaf in the wind being blown around.

Taking Control of Your Life Often Begins with One Step
Whatever the circumstances, you can learn to take control of your life.  Taking back control of your life often begins with taking one step.  That first step is often a decision that you want to feel a sense of control and to reclaim your life.

Getting Help in Therapy 
If you've tried to do this on your own and haven't succeeded, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has helped other clients to gain a sense of control of their lives.   

A skilled therapist can help you to feel a sense of agency in your life and, with it, a new sense of aliveness and well being.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with adult individuals and couples.  I have helped many clients to take back control of their lives and feel a new sense of aliveness and well being.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

For a related topic, you can read my article:  How Do We Balance Our Owns Needs With Being Responsive to Our Loved Ones?

Overcoming Self Doubt That Keeps You Stuck

Self doubt can keep you stuck in your life for years.  You might have many hopes and dreams for yourself for what you want in your life but, if you let it, self doubt can keep you from ever making them come true.

Overcoming Self Doubt That Keeps You Stuck

There can be many reasons for self doubt, including, possibly, depressive or anxiety-related symptoms.  But often, people just can't figure out why they're so plagued with self doubt that they can't even take the first step.

Whatever the reasons, you might find that year after year goes by, you're still stuck and you're unable to overcome your self doubts.  What you desire for yourself remains only fantasies in your mind.  It can be even more frustrating to see other people that you know making progress with their goals, while you remain stuck.

Often, the hardest part is taking the first step.  If you can overcome your self doubt enough to take the first step, you could gain some confidence to take another step and then another, especially if you can keep yourself from worrying too much about the final outcome.

But the problem for many people is that, instead of focusing on the beginning, which is where they are, they try to project themselves to the end and get stuck there, before they've taken any steps.  Then, they begin worrying about how they'll ever be able to get to the end.

At that point, it becomes overwhelming and they give up before they've  even started.

Negative self thoughts or inner voice of negative prediction can keep you frozen in your tracks before you take the first step.  "Old tapes," possibly from a critical parent, might play over and over again in your mind, taunting you and predicting that you'll fail.  So, then you think:  Why bother?

These negative self thoughts, which often come in the middle of the night to keep you up, can feel so powerful--until you begin to challenge them in the light of day:  Is there any objective truth it?  Where's the proof?

Your negative self thoughts can be very persistent providing all kinds of pseudo "objective proof" where none really exists.  It's like the "Bogey man" or "ghost" you thought you saw in your room when you were a child.  When you turn the light on, there's nothing there.

These self doubts and the negative self thoughts that fuel them are often like that.  When you "turn on the light" of objective reasoning, there's nothing there of any substance.

One of the saddest things is for a person to look back at the end of her life and say, "I wish I would've..." (you fill in the blank).   Very often, she can see, with the advantage of hindsight and life experience, where she could have accomplished her dreams if she would have persisted and overcome her self doubts.  But, at that point, it's too late.

Getting Help in Therapy
If your own self doubts are keeping you from being or having what you want and you're unable to overcome these obstacles on your own, you owe it to yourself to seek the help of a licensed mental health professional.  Letting year after year go by, with your fears getting the best of you, is just wasting precious time you'll never get back.  

Overcoming Self Doubt That Keeps You Stuck:  Getting Help

A licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome the emotional obstacles so that you can lead a more satisfying life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.  I've helped many people to overcome emotional obstacles so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Trust Again After an Affair

In the last article I introduced the general topic of  Learning to Trust Again - Coping with Betrayal.

In this article I would like to focus on a particular topic related to learning to trust again: Finding out that your spouse or partner is having an affair.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship:
Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. Without trust, few relationships survive and those that do survive in some form are often filled with suspicion, recrimination, anger, resentment, and sadness. There are few things more shattering to trust in a relationship than finding out that your partner is having an affair. Regaining trust, once it has been breached, is a major challenge.

Learning to Trust Again After an Affair

Partners who discover affairs often talk about their feelings in terms of "before I found out about the affair" and "after I found out about the affair":
The feelings associated with the discovery of the affair become an emotional dividing line for the spouse who feels betrayed. 

Typical comments are "Before I found out about the affair, I thought we were happy and that we'd be together forever, but after I found out about the affair, I felt like my whole world was turned upside down" or "Before I found out about the affair, I felt so secure in my marriage, but after I found out that he was having an affair, I felt like I didn't know my husband any more, I didn't know myself, and I questioned everything after that" or "Before I found out that my wife was having an affair, I thought I was such a lucky guy to have such a great wife who loved me, but after I found out that she was cheating on me, I felt like a fool."

Discovering infidelity has become more common with the advent of cell phones, email and other forms of communication that have been developed in the last 10 or 15 years:.
Spouses can find out about affairs inadvertently by stumbling upon the information by accident or, if they're suspicious, by actively searching telephone numbers and pictures stored in cell phones, looking at cell phone bills, reading their spouse's email, listening to their spouse's saved telephone messages, looking at a computer browser's history or finding other common telltale signs of infidelity. Once the spouse discovers signs of infidelity, it then becomes a question of what to do about this discovery.

Emotional reactions to discovering infidelity vary, but there are some common reactions:
Shock and denial are two common reactions: "This must be a mistake," "I must be imagining things--he would never do this," "There must be some other explanation." Anger and profound sadness are also common reactions. Many people confront their partners with whatever they've found, often hoping that their partners will give some explanation that will confirm that it's all a mistake. In most cases, this is no reflection on the intelligence of the spouse who has discovered the information. Most often, it's a deep wish, in the face of everything, to preserve his or her own emotional security as well as to save their relationship.

If the spouse having the affair lies about it, the betrayed spouse might go along with it, colluding in the lie, at least on the surface. But often, deep down, he or she really knows that it's a lie. Another common reaction is for the spouse to say nothing to the partner and to continue to "monitor" the situation by snooping and policing the partner's activities until he or she has gathered enough evidence to confront the partner. For other spouses, it becomes a matter of evening the score by going out and having their own affair. This is usually a misguided attempt to get revenge and to feel that they're attractive and sought after by others. Not only does this not work, but it makes the situation worse.

Whatever the initial reactions might be, both people have decisions to make:
If the partner continues to lie about the affair or blame the spouse, if there are no feelings of remorse, most relationships don't last. Trust cannot be regained under these circumstances. At the very least, the partner needs to admit that he or she made a mistake, feel genuine remorse about it, and end the affair for there to be any hope of regaining trust in the relationship. Then, the couple can decide individually and as a couple whether they want to pick up the pieces of their relationship and try to put them back together again.

For some couples, once trust is shattered, it's so damaging that even if they both decide to work on their relationship, they can't get passed what happened. For them, it becomes a very painful emotional crisis in the relationship that cannot be overcome.

Even if they move on to other relationships in the future, if each partner doesn't work through what happened in the relationship where there was infidelity, they often carry this emotional baggage into their next relationship in one form or another or it becomes so damaging that they're unable to have new relationships.

Without the benefit of working out these issues in psychotherapy, spouses who felt betrayed in the prior relationships often have difficulties trusting in future relationships. This can result in their mistrusting their own judgment, mistrusting others, closing themselves off emotionally and, in some cases, isolating themselves and deciding to remain alone. Or, they can carry their emotional wounds and feelings of betrayal into the next relationship. They might continually look for signs of infidelity where there are none and ruin an otherwise good relationship.

If the partner who cheated moves on to other relationships in the future without any self exploration about why he or she was unfaithful in the prior relationship, he or she runs the risk of cheating again in the next relationship. So many factors might have contributed to his or her infidelity, including growing up in a dysfunctional home where one or both parents were unfaithful to each other, fear of getting close in his or her primary relationship, a lack of empathy for his or her partner, and so on. Working through these issues in either couples counseling or individual psychotherapy can help prevent a repetition of these same mistakes over and over again.

For other couples, regaining trust is a challenging process but, over time, they're able to rebuild and regain the sense of trust, step by step, in their relationship, usually with the help of an experienced psychotherapist. In other situations, a couple might establish somewhat of a truce, but anger and suspicion remain. In those situations, the affair might temporarily recede into the background, but it's still there, just under the surface as a point of contention, waiting to be resurrected in other arguments.

Each relationship and each person in the relationship is unique, and it's hard to say with any degree of certainty what enables one relationship to survive infidelity and another to end:
Often, couples who survive infidelity have a sense that they've invested too much emotionally and they have too much at stake not to try to work it out, especially if they have children. They're willing to look at the dynamics of their relationship to understand how each of them might have contributed to their problems. 

Some couples even come out of this experience with a stronger commitment to their relationship. If the spouse who feels betrayed can forgive and if the partner who had the affair does some soul searching and genuinely recommits to the relationship, the affair might become a part, albeit a painful part, of their history and they can move on to strengthen their relationship.

Couples who are in crisis can benefit from participating in couples or marriage counseling with a licensed psychotherapist if they seek help early on:
An experienced psychotherapist can help couples in crisis to either work through the crisis or to decide to end the relationship in a healthier way than they might be able to do on their own.

Often, the key to working through problems in a relationship is not to wait until it's too late. This might sound self evident, but many people don't realize this or don't recognize the period of time in their relationship when couples counseling would be optimal. It's not unusual for couples to come to marriage counseling as a last ditch effort when one or both of them really know that it's over. Or, they wait too long and one of the partners wants to save the relationship and the other partner really knows deep down that it's over but doesn't want to appear uncooperative so he or she goes along with the counseling for a while, but it's really too late.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've discovered that your partner has been unfaithful or if you are the one who has been unfaithful, regaining trust in your current relationship, future relationships and in your own judgment is challenging but, with professional help, it's often possible.

About Me
I'm a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and couples counselor. 

I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through times of crisis in their relationships to regain trust and confidence.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.