How to Cope With News Anxiety

Do you feel overwhelmed by the news? (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

Coping With News Anxiety

If you do, you're not alone. 

I'm hearing about news anxiety from almost everyone I know who is anxious about what they're hearing on the news (see my article:  Self Care During Turbulent Times).

How News Anxiety Can Affect You

News anxiety can affect your mental health in many ways including:

• Feeling frustrated, powerless and helpless
• Having sleep problem (see my article: Tips to Improve Your Sleep)
• Feeling depressed
• Feeling anxious
  
• Anxiety-related health problems
• Over or under-eating
• Other anxiety-related symptoms

How to Cope With News Anxiety

• Make Self Care a Priority: It's important to have self care routines including:
• Meditation
  
• Listening to music
• Doing a breathing exercise

Make Self Care a Priority

• Taking a relaxing bath
• Reading or listening to a book you like
• Enjoying your favorite movie, podcast or TV program
• Engaging in hobbies you enjoy

Staying Physically Active

• Staying physically active
• Eating nutritious meals
• Getting good sleep
• Walking in nature (see my article: Walking in Nature Can Improve Your Mood)

• Choose a Reliable Source of Information: Use good judgment when you're selecting your news source. Choose a news source which is known to be reliable. Don't rely solely on social media because there's a lot of misinformation on social media.

• Limit the Time You Watch or Listen to the News: It's important to be well informed, but that doesn't mean listening or watching the news for hours. In many cases, the same news is being rebroadcast over and over again. That means that you're watching or listening to the same disturbing information multiple times and possibly seeing the same disturbing images. 

• Avoid Doomscrolling: Don't spend a lot of time scrolling negative posts on social media. 

Put Your Phone Away at Night to Get Better Sleep

• Turn Your Phone Off and Put It Away at Night: Have a wind down routine before going to sleep. Scrolling on your phone, texting or reading or listening to the news at night when you need to relax can make you anxious and keep you up. Turn off your phone and put it away so you can get the rest you need.

• Try to Find Positive News Story: While it's true that there's lots of bad news, there are also positive stories. Try to find positive and inspiring stories so you don't feel like everything is doomed.

• Maintain Positive Social Connections: It's easy to feel alone and overwhelmed by the news, so it's important to stay connected with friends and loved ones. If you can't see them in person, give them a call or meet online.  

Maintain Positive Social Connections

• Get Involved to Feel Empowered and Make a Difference: There are many positive advocacy and social justice organizations where you can donate your time and money. Find the ones you like and find out what they're doing to overcome problems. When you get involved, you're can make a difference. When you feel you're making a difference, you're less likely to feel helpless and hopeless. You will also be around other like-minded people so you won't feel alone.

Get Involved to Feel Empowered

• Be Aware That the News Might Be Triggering Unresolved Trauma: If you have unresolved trauma, listening to disturbing news can not only increase your anxiety--it can also trigger unresolved trauma. This can increase feelings of anxiety, hopelessness and helplessness. If this is happening to you, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist to resolve your trauma so it no longer gets triggered (see my article: How Does Trauma Therapy Work?).

Getting Help in Therapy

News anxiety can have a negative impact on your mental health including triggering unresolved trauma. 

Get Help in Therapy

If unresolved trauma is getting triggered, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist.

        See my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You Overcome Unresolved Trauma

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the training and expertise to help you to overcome unresolved trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life free of your trauma.

Also see my article: Strategies For Coping With Post-Election Stress

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist with over 20 years of expertise, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Understanding the Connection Between Unresolved Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

When considering psychological trauma, it's important to know there are different types of trauma, including developmental trauma and shock trauma. 

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

In this article I'm focusing on unresolved developmental trauma, which is trauma that occurred over time in childhood, and the need for control as an adult.

What is Psychological Trauma?

Since I'm focusing on developmental trauma (trauma that occurs over time in childhood), the definition of psychological trauma in this context is a person's unique experience of feeling emotional distress in response to ongoing events that overwhelmed their capacity to cope.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

It's important to emphasize that a traumatic response is unique to the individual. So, it's not the events per se that's traumatic--it's a how the individual experiences the events. 

Children who are identical twins might experience the same events in their family where one of them is traumatized and the other is not.  So, each person has their own unique psychological makeup and their own particular response to what happened.

Another factor is whether or not the person who experienced overwhelming events as a child had emotional support at the time or whether they felt alone (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: What is AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)?).

A child who had emotional support from a loving relative will usually have a better psychological outcome than a child who went through distressing event feeling alone.

Feeling Powerless as Part of Chronic Developmental Trauma

Feeling of powerlessness is an important part of developmental trauma.

A feeling of powerlessness is especially prevalent during chronic developmental trauma where there is ongoing exposure to emotionally overwhelming events.  These individuals feel they have no power to stop, change or control these events.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

For instance, a young child who has repeated experiences of hearing their parents' arguments escalate into physical violence will most likely feel terrified and powerless to do anything about their parents' fights.

Even if this same child, who is terrified, is able to muster the courage to knock on their parents' bedroom to try to get them to stop the fighting, the parents might respond in ways that make the incident even more terrifying. 

One or both parents might invalidate the child's fear by saying, "Nothing is wrong. Go back to your room" which can be very confusing for the child. 

Alternatively, the parents might respond in other ways that make the event even scarier.  For example, one of the parents might threaten the child by saying something like, "Get back to your room or you'll get a spanking!" or "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"

This leaves the child in an untenable situation where not only can they not control what's happening but they also fear they will get physically punished.

An hour or two later these same parents, who might be highly volatile with each other at times, might emerge from their bedroom and act as if nothing happened in front of the child. 

Not only does this invalidate the child's fear and make the child feel alone, it can also makes the child wonder if there's something wrong with him or her to fear a situation where the parents are now acting normal.

Understanding the Connection Between Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control

In the example given above, if there are ongoing events like this where the child feels powerless and alone, this child will mostly likely grow up with a strong need to feel in control of their own life, their loved ones' lives and the circumstances around them.

One of the consequences of a history of unresolved trauma and feelings of powerlessness is that individuals often become emotionally triggered when they find themselves in situations where they feel they can't exert control.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

The need for exerting control will vary from one individual to another depending upon the person and the particular situation. But most individuals who experienced chronic trauma growing up don't want to re-experience the sense of powerlessness they experienced as children. This creates in them the need to exert control.

The need to feel in control is a self protective mechanism whereby the individual tries to create a safe space so they don't feel the same terrifying feelings they experienced as a child.

For individuals who grew up in unpredictable circumstances where it felt like anything could happen at any time, the need for predictability is paramount.

What Are Some of the Signs of a Need For Control Based on Unresolved Trauma?

The following are some of the signs people might experience when they have a need to be in control based on unresolved trauma:

• Fear of Ambiguous Situations: They can be very uncomfortable (maybe even panicked) when a situation is unclear. Ambiguous situations can be highly triggering for them which will, in turn, trigger their need to exert control over the situation.

• Setting Rigid Boundaries: They might set rigid boundaries so relationships and situations feel predictable with no second guessing about what might or might not happen.

• Fear of Vulnerability: They might have a hard time opening up to other people. As a result, they might not feel comfortable sharing personal information about themselves because they fear the other person might use this information against them (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy in a Relationship).

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

• Fear of Talking About the Past: They might not like talking about their past because they fear getting triggered again and also fear trusting someone else with this information.

• Fear of Allowing Others to Get to Know Them: They might be hard to get to know because they are protecting themselves from getting hurt again.

• Fear of Intimate Relationships: They might avoid getting into intimate relationships because of their fear of vulnerability.

• You're Either For Them or Against Them: They might feel you're either for them or against them. There might not feel anything in between (no gray area).

• Fear of Trusting Others: If they feel disappointed or letdown by someone, they might not trust that person again.

• A Need for Predictability: Due to their need for predictability, they might have unrealistic or perfectionistic expectations of others (see my article: Perfection vs Good Enough).

• Fear of Risks: They might be risk averse. They might avoid anything that is risky or feels dangerous to them in any way.  This can include the possibility of getting hurt in a relationship, making financial decisions that might involve a degree of risk, making a career change and so on.

• Fear of Abandonment: They might have a strong fear of abandonment. Since their childhood experiences might have included feeling emotionally abandoned by their parents, who were supposed to take care of them, they might fear abandonment in any close relationship.

What's the First Step in Healing Psychological Trauma?

Since developmental trauma occurs in the context of a relationship, healing also needs to occur in the context of a relationship (this is one of the reasons why self help books are often only minimally, if at all, helpful in terms of healing trauma).

Healing Psychological Trauma and Awareness

Unfortunately, people who experienced developmental trauma as children often don't trust relationships. They might have a strong need to feel loved, but they also dread feeling loved because of their early experiences of feeling unsafe (see my article: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Many people who have unresolved developmental trauma continue to use the same protective strategies they used as children. While these strategies might have helped them at the time, they no longer work for them. 

One of those strategies often included avoiding close relationships.

Developing an awareness about the impact of unresolved trauma is an important first step. 

Without an acknowledgement of the impact, there's often a lack of motivation and fear of getting help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Many people seek help in trauma therapy when the pain of doing nothing becomes greater than their fear of getting help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through the issues that keep you stuck with the impact of unresolved trauma.

If you're feeling stuck due to unresolved trauma, seek help in trauma therapy so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist, I believe people have an innate ability to heal from traumatic experiences with the help in trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Unresolved Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself

Psychological trauma often has a negative impact on how you feel about yourself.  In trauma therapy, like EMDR, the psychotherapist explores the negative beliefs that developed for the client as a result of trauma (see my articles: How EMDR Works: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

How Unresolved Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself

These beliefs often remain unconscious before the client seeks help in psychotherapy.  But these negative beliefs often get enacted in other areas of the client's life without his or her realizing it before therapy.

Depending upon the kind of trauma and the lasting impact, these negative beliefs might include feeling unlovable, unworthy, powerless, weak and so on.  This is especially true if there weren't people who intervened at the time of the trauma on the traumatized person's behalf.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How Trauma Affects How You feel About Yourself
The following fictional vignette, which is similar to many actual therapy cases, illustrates how trauma can have a negative lasting impact on self perception:

Nina
After she experienced herself as being helpless in a situation at work where she was being sexually harassed, Nina sought help in psychotherapy.

Nina explained to her psychotherapist that she had always done well in college and in her prior jobs.  She was able to negotiate whatever challenges presented themselves in all her prior educational and career endeavors.

However, in her new position as a director, she felt undermined by a manager, Alan, who felt that he should have been the one promoted into the new position--not Nina.  Not only did Alan voice his anger about her getting the promotion when he felt he was better qualified, but he also tried to belittle her by making comments with sexual innuendos when no one else was around.

Nina told her therapist that she ignored him at first but, over time, Alan's sexual comments were more brazen and hostile.  She knew he was trying to intimidate her, and she thought about reporting him to her executive director and the human resources department, but she was afraid that no one would believe her because it would be her word against his, and Alan was generally well liked.

At the same time, Nina knew that she needed to do something because Alan's remarks were becoming more outrageous, and it was getting to the point where she dreaded going to work and encountering him alone in the pantry or on the elevator.  She was losing sleep over it, and over time, this problem was taking up more and more of her thoughts.  It was also interfering with her work.

The psychotherapist explored Nina's background and discovered that Nina was sexually abused from the time she was five until she was 18 by a paternal uncle, who was much loved by the family.  The sexual abuse included making sexual comments to her, kissing her on the mouth and fondling her breasts (see my article: Overcoming the Psychological Effects of Sexual Abuse).

With much trepidation, when Nina was seven, told her mother about the uncle's inappropriate behavior. But her mother refused to believe her.  Not only didn't she believe Nina, but she punished her because the mother believed that Nina was lying.

As a result, the sexual abuse continued whenever the uncle found an opportunity to be alone with Nina (similar to her situation at work with Alan), and Nina felt that, somehow, she was at fault for what her uncle was doing.

The only reason the abuse stopped was that Nina went away to college.  Determined to put the sexual abuse out of her mind, she focused on her college work and excelled in her studies.  After college, she shared an apartment with friends, and she never attended family events where she knew her paternal uncle would be there.

Until Alan began sexually harassing her, Nina thought that she had overcome her history of sexual abuse.  But she realized that she was feeling just as powerless in her current situation as she felt when she was a child.

Her psychotherapist recommended that Nina could take the situation at work one step at a time, so if Nina was too afraid to file a formal complaint with her human resources department, she could speak with her human resource manager informally to find out her rights.

Her therapist also told Nina that it appeared that her earlier trauma of feeling powerless was triggering feelings of powerlessness in her current situation.  She explained to Nina that she had an unresolved trauma that was complicating her current situation, and she recommended that they use EMDR therapy to help Nina to resolve the original trauma involving the sexual abuse with her uncle as well as the fact that her mother didn't believe or support her when she told her mother about the abuse (see my article: EMDR Therapy - When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

Nina took practical steps to speak with the human resource (HR) manager about what would happen if she filed a sexual harassment complaint.  To her surprise and relief, the HR manager told Nina that she was already conducting an investigation and, based on a complaint from a few other women in Nina's department, she was about to contact Nina to ask her if she was being harassed.

Since Nina had come to her on her own, the HR manager asked her specifically about her experiences with Alan, and Nina was able to tell her about the sexual comments that he made to her.  A few weeks later, based on several women coming forward to complain about Alan's behavior, he was terminated.

At the same time, Nina and her psychotherapist did EMDR therapy to work on the many years of sexual abuse that she experienced by her uncle.  They also worked on how betrayed Nina felt that her mother thought she was lying.

Nina was somewhat surprised that, after all the years that had gone by, she could still be triggered into feeling powerless in her situation at work.

Their work with EMDR therapy was neither quick nor easy but, her therapist explained, EMDR therapy tends to be faster and more effective than regular talk therapy with unresolved trauma.

Over time, Nina was able to work through the unresolved trauma so that it was no longer affecting her.  She no longer felt powerless in relation to her memory of the abuse or in her current life.

In fact, when another male colleague tried to sexually harass her, Nina put him in his place and told him in no uncertain terms that if he did not stop, she would report him.  Startled by her assertiveness, the colleague seemed intimidated by Nina.  He apologized for his behavior, and he stopped making inappropriate comments.

Feeling Empowered After Resolving Prior Trauma

Afterward, Nina felt she had handled the situation well, and she told her psychotherapist that she felt good about herself.

Shortly after that, Nina had a long talk with her mother about the sexual abuse that occurred when Nina was child.  Her mother believed her this time.  She apologized and they began to work on improving their relationship.  Her mother also forbid the uncle from coming to any more family events.  With Nina's permission, her mother also told other family members so that they would be aware of his behavior and prevent any other children from being abused.

Conclusion
This brief fictional vignette illustrates that, even when a client thinks that s/he had suppressed the negative emotions associated with an early trauma, these feelings can get triggered in a current situation.

The unresolved trauma remains unmetabolized just under the surface, and it can remain there for many years until it gets triggered again.

Trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy, can help clients to overcome traumatic experiences in a more effective way than regular talk therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help in trauma therapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma so you can free yourself from your history and lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

As a trauma therapist, I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.  

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Taking Back Your Personal Power

In a prior article I began a discussion about giving away your personal power to someone who isn't treating you well (see my article: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?).  In this article I'm continuing this topic to discuss how you can take back your personal power.

Taking Back Your Personal Power

Taking Back Your Personal Power

• Focus on Yourself:  First, rather than focusing on your significant other and what s/he might or might not be doing, focus on yourself and how you might be giving away your personal power.  While this can be difficult to do, it's an important first step and can't be ignored.  Rather than complaining about being mistreated, ask yourself how you're contributing to this and keeping it going.  For people who are accustomed to seeing themselves as being victimized, this might sound harsh.  This isn't to say that your significant other might not have some real power over you--whether it's financial or threatening to take your child away, and so on.  But, even if this is the case, you need to start with yourself because somewhere along the way you've lost sight of yourself in this situation.  This requires you to be honest with yourself.

• Ask Yourself If You're Being Objective About Yourself, Your Significant Other and the Relationship:  In my prior article, I discussed how people who give away their power often idealize their significant other and give him or her attributes that aren't really there in order to be able to bask in the significant other's light.  When these attributes aren't there or are greatly exaggerated, you're in denial about your significant other, your relationship and yourself.  Have you received feedback from others who are familiar with the situation and who have expressed misgivings about how your significant other is treating you?  Pretend that you're looking at the same relationship, but instead of you being in the relationship, pretend that it's your best friend.  What advice would you give him or her?  

• Ask Yourself If You're Making Yourself Small in Order to Make Your Significant Other Big:  It's common for people who get into emotionally abusive relationships to diminish their own positive traits in order to make their significant other look good.  If you're unable to be objective, ask close friends and loved ones that you trust about the positive traits they see in you.  Are you able to take their comments in or do you feel uncomfortable?  Was there a time when you felt good about yourself?  When was that?  How was that time different from now?

• Ask Yourself If You Tend to See Yourself as a Victim:  While it might be true that you were victimized as a child when you were really powerless, as an adult, you're capable of taking yourself out of the victim role.  Sometimes, people who are accustomed to being in the victim role unconsciously find romantic partners who will be emotionally abusive in order to stay in the victim role.  This is difficult for most people to overcome on their own, and it usually requires working through the early emotional trauma in psychotherapy.

• Ask Yourself If You're Blaming Others For Your Problems in the Relationships: Are you blaming your significant other, his or her family or your family for the emotional abuse that you're experiencing and for your own inertia?  When you blame others, you disempower yourself.  Ask yourself what you can do to take some responsibility and, in effect, take back your personal power (see my article: Empowering Yourself When You Feel Disempowered).

• Ask Yourself If You've Given Up Your Dreams to Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: When someone is in an emotionally abusive relationship, it often affects every area of their life--not just the relationship.  Maybe you had dreams to pursue higher education or training for a different career and the emotional abuse that you've experienced has eroded your self confidence so that you're no longer pursuing your dreams.  Will you look back at your life when you're older and regret this?

• Ask Yourself If You're So Intent on People Pleasing That You're in Denial About the Emotional Abuse:  People pleasing is a trait that often begins at an early age and continues into adulthood unless someone gets help to overcome it.  It's common for people who people please to be in denial about emotional abuse in their relationship in order to maintain the status quo.   Denial can be very powerful and it will be necessary for you to try to be as objective as you can be. Many people who are in emotionally abusive relationships "let off steam" by complaining to friends.  Then, after they have vented to friends, they feel better and go right back into the same situation with their significant other and right back into denial.

• Ask Yourself What You're Getting Out of Your Relationship:  Often, people remain in unhealthy relationships because they're afraid to be alone and lonely.  They rationalize that it's better to be with someone who mistreats them to be with no one at all.  They also fear that they'll never meet anyone else.  Ask yourself if whatever you're getting out of the relationship is worth a loss of self esteem and self respect.

• Keep a Journal: When you're in denial about your problems, it's easy to "forget" the times when you were emotionally abused in your relationship, especially right after you and your significant other make up and you're both feeling good again.  Usually, there is a predictable cycle to emotional abuse and if you keep a journal and write about the times when you're accepting the emotional abuse, it might help you to develop a more objective perspective about the role you're playing in all of this.  Make sure that wherever you keep the journal that it's safe and secure so that it will remain private.

Get Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point.

People who are ambivalent about a relationship where they're not being treated well can go back and forth for years trying to decide what to do.

In the meantime, as time goes by, most people in emotionally abusive relationships feel worse and worse about themselves over time.  Shame is also a big factor, and it can cause you to turn away from friends and loved ones who want to help you.

Unconscious emotions often play a big role in keeping people stuck in unhealthy relationships, and becoming aware of these unconscious emotions is very difficult to do on your own.

Rather than continuing to suffer on your own, get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you've taken back your personal power, you feel entitled to be treated well and can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?

In prior articles I've discussed issues relating to people who are ambivalent about leaving an emotionally abusive relationship (see my articles:  Why Emotional Abuse Might Feel "Normal" to You, Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship? and Are You Afraid to Leave an Unhappy Relationship?). 

Are You Giving Up Your Personal Power?

In this article I'm focusing on another aspect of emotionally abusive relationships, which is how people who are being emotionally abused by their significant other often give away their personal power.

People often begin psychotherapy because they're confused about their ambivalent behavior in a relationship where they are being emotionally abused.  Even when they realize they're not being treated well by their significant other, they often say they feel compelled to remain in the relationship, and they're confused about their feelings.

Looking on the surface at these relationships from a strictly logical point of view, it can be confusing as to why someone would remain with a partner who is emotionally abusive.

But in order to begin to understand these dynamics, it's important to look beyond the surface because there are usually conscious issues involved.

One common issue is that the person who remains in an emotionally abusive relationship is usually giving away his or her personal power to the significant other without realizing it.

How Do People Give Away Their Power in Emotionally Abusive Relationships?
There are so many different ways that people give away their personal power in emotionally abusive relationships that I'll list what I've seen as the most common ones:

• Endowing a Significant Other With Powerful Attributes That Aren't True:  Rather than recognizing their own personal power, people who give away their power to their significant other endow their partners with characteristics that either aren't there or that are greatly exaggerated in their mind.  They don't see their partner for who s/he really is.  They need their partner to seem powerful, charming, tantalizing and irresistible so they can bask in their partner's light and feel that some of those attributes will rub off on them.  It's as if they have put themselves under a magic spell, but they believe that their partner is the one who is somehow keeping them spellbound.  Other people, who know the situation, might be scratching their heads because they don't see these attributes in the partner, but the person who has given up his or her personal power is caught up in this fantasy (see my articles: Are You In Love With Him or Your Fantasy of Him? and The Connection Between Obsessive Love as an Adult and Unmet Childhood Emotional Needs).

• Denying or Diminishing Their Own Positive Characteristics:  Along with idealizing a partner and endowing him or her with fantasized attributes, they also diminish or disregard their own positive characteristics.  They make themselves small in order to make their significant other seem big.  This is usually a longstanding, ingrained problem and makes the significant other more compelling ("I'm weak, but he's so strong that he'll protect me").

• Becoming the "Victim" in the Relationship: Along with idealizing the significant other and diminishing themselves, people who give away their power identify as the victim in the relationship.  They might spend a lot of time complaining to their friends and loved ones about not being treated well by their significant other, but they believe themselves to be powerless in the situation.  Rather than taking a step back and reflecting on why they remain with someone who mistreats them even when they're complaining bitterly about it, they will give many "reasons" why they just can't bring themselves to leave the relationship.  Even when they agree with their friends and their loved ones that it would be better for them to leave the relationship, they will often say, "I don't know why, but I just can't leave" until their friends get tired of hearing the constant complaints without any action being taken (see my article:  Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" vs "I Won't").  Often, these people had early experiences of being victimized as children, and they're unable to see that they are now adults and no longer powerless.  The feeling of powerlessness never leaves them, and this is a sign that they need to work out the earlier issues in psychotherapy (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Past Childhood Trauma).  There might also be cultural factors involved.

• Engaging in People Pleasing:  People who give up their power and remain in emotionally abusive relationships are often people pleasers.  They need to be liked, even when it makes them feel "weak," powerless, fearful, self loathing and lost.  For the partner who is emotionally abusive and who has narcissistic traits, this is an ideal situation because s/he gets to manipulate the people pleaser and control the relationship.  

In my next article, I'll discuss how to take back your personal power (see my article: Relationships: Taking Back Your Personal Power).

Getting Help in Therapy
Aside from the unconscious issues involved in remaining in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is usually a lot of shame, especially if friends and family are criticizing you for not leaving.

Most people, who are in this type of situation and who are unable to resolve it on their own, find it helpful to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

While no one can do it for you, if you're willing to get help in therapy, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand the unconscious issues and to begin to take back your personal power.

Regaining your personal power and your self esteem can be a life changing experience.  Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

'

Serious Medical Problems Can Change How You Feel About Yourself

When you're healthy and your life is going well, all other things being equal, it's easy to feel good about yourself.  But when you develop serious medical problems, it can change how you feel about yourself and about life in general.  When people develop serious medical problems, they often have a sudden sense of their physical and emotional vulnerabilities in ways they might not have experienced before.  

Serious Medical Problems Can Change the Way You Feel About Yourself

Reactions to Being Diagnosed with a Serious Medical Problem:  Shock, Fear, Anger, Sadness

If the medical problem is unexpected and potentially life threatening, people often experience shock at hearing the diagnosis.  Initially, a sense of disbelief can create a sense of emotional paralysis and confusion.  When the shock wears off, people often feel a combination of fear, anger and sadness about the "unfairness" of being diagnosed with the illness.  

Each person's experience is different.  These feelings don't occur in a linear way or, necessarily, in this order.  They can happen all at once or in any order.  However it happens, it usually takes people outside of their everyday experience and it can change their perception of themselves.

Being Treated as "a Sick Patient" 
A day before you received a diagnosis of a major medical illness, like cancer or heart problems, you probably thought of yourself as a husband, wife, mother, father, brother, sister, friend, an employee and all the other identifications that we all take on in life.

Suddenly, after you've been diagnosed with a major medical problem, your doctors identify you as a "sick patient," a "cancer patient," a "heart patient" or whatever diagnosis is applicable.  This isn't a criticism of the medical profession.  It's just the way it is in many medical settings, especially hospitals. When this happens, you can feel like you've been reduced to one identification-- your diagnosis.

You're More Than Your Medical Diagnosis
But each of us, no matter what our health issues might be, is more than any particular diagnosis.  We're whole people with relationships, histories and, hopefully, dreams for the future.  After a while, if you take on the identification of your diagnosis, it can change how you feel about yourself, reducing you to a list of symptoms.

Words Are Powerful
For the sake of maintaining a healthy emotional attitude, it is far better to be thought of as "a person with cancer" rather than "a cancer patient" (or whatever diagnosis applies).

You might think that this is just a matter of semantics, but it's not.  Words are powerful. When you're identified as "a cancer patient,"the implication is that this is your primary or, worse, your only identification.  But when you're identified as "a person with cancer," the implication is that there is a lot more to you than just your medical diagnosis--you're a whole person with a life that includes your medical diagnosis but also goes beyond your illness.  Rather than losing your sense of self to your illness, you maintain all the different aspects of yourself.

Research has shown that a positive attitude can have a significant effect on recovery.  So, maintaining a healthy sense of self can make the difference between having a good or a poor medical outcome.  So, how you think of yourself, including your sense of identity, is important.

Finding New Meaning in Life While Dealing With a Serious Medical Problem
I know there are exceptional individuals who are given serious medical diagnoses who find tremendous new meaning in life.  They appreciate every day, their relationships take on new meaning, and they might even find a renewed sense of spiritual connection.

While this is certainly impressive and something to aspire to when you've been diagnosed with a serious medical problem, a lot of people, through no fault of their own, find if very difficult to get to this place emotionally, and pointing to these exceptional people can make these other individuals feel blamed for not being able to reach such an enlightened state.

Your Internal and External Resources
If you're fortunate enough to be an individual who is resilient and who has a good emotional support system among family and friends, your chances for maintaining a healthy sense of self, despite the illness, are better.

As a resilient person, who has emotional support, you might have an awareness that, during the course of your life, you've overcome other challenges and you could see your medical problems as one more challenge to be overcome.

But not everyone is fortunate enough to be resilient and have a support system.  In addition, sometimes, prior emotional trauma can get triggered when you're diagnosed with a serious medical problem.  At that point, you're not only dealing with the current medical problem, but you're also dealing with the emotions that get triggered from prior trauma.

Under these circumstances, it's not unusual to feel powerless.  Feeling powerless, due to the current situation as well as feelings triggered from the past, can cause you to feel anxious or depressed.

Suddenly, your life looks a lot different from before your diagnosis.  People who have been diagnosed with a major medical problem, often talk in terms of "before the diagnosis" and "after the diagnosis" with the diagnosis serving a dividing line in their lives.

Getting Help in Therapy
Working with clients who have medical problems, I often find that a combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing (SE) can be very effective to help them overcome the emotional challenges and maintain a healthy sense of self.

If you're struggling emotionally due to a medical diagnosis, you owe it to yourself to seek the help of a licensed psychotherapist who practices clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing.  

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Traumatic Childhood Memories of Being Powerless Can Get Triggered in Adults

People are often surprised to discover that traumatic childhood feelings of being powerless can get triggered even when they're adults.  

Trauma: How Childhood Feelings of Being Powerless Can Get Triggered in Adults

Certain situations can trigger those old feelings from childhood.  Whether it's a work situation with a domineering boss or a relationship with a spouse who is a bully or other similar situations, these feelings of helplessness, fear, rage, and sadness can arise unexpectedly.

The following scenarios, which are composites of many different cases to protect confidentiality, are examples of how these traumatic emotions can get triggered in an adult:

Pete:
Pete's boss, who was the company bully, tended to be domineering and demeaning with everyone who reported to him.  Most people knew from experience that his "bark was worse than his bite" and they didn't take his reprimands seriously, especially since he behaved this way with all of his subordinates and nothing ever came of it.  Rationally, Pete was also well aware of this.

Trauma:  How Childhood Feelings of Being Powerless Can Get Triggered in Adults

But whenever the boss called him in, Pete would tremble in fear and he found himself close to tears.  He couldn't understand why he had such a severe reaction--until he began therapy and he learned that these situations with his boss were triggering traumatic childhood memories of being abused by his father.

Mary:
Mary married Alan because he was older and she felt he would take care of her.  But after the first few months of marriage, she began to see a different side of Alan that she had never seen before.  Whenever Alan got frustrated, he would lose his temper and raise his voice with her.  Not only was Mary surprised to see Alan react this way, but she was also surprised at her own reaction to his anger--she would freeze in her tracks.  She felt immobilized and unable to speak.  Part of her wanted to hide or make herself invisible.  It was only after she began therapy to understand her reaction that she realized that earlier traumatic feelings were being triggered of when her alcoholic father went into a rage and, as a child, she hid in the closet.

Trauma:  How Childhood Feelings of Being Powerless Can Get Triggered in Adults

These are just two of many examples of how childhood feelings of being powerless can get triggered in adults--often without warning.  When this happens and people don't understand what's happening to them, it can feel scary and confusing.

What most people often don't realize is that, even though they're adults now, these traumatic emotions are stored in the body and are there to be triggered in current situations.  The feelings can feel just as real now as they did in childhood.

Somatic Experiencing
Somatic Experiencing is a gentle form of mind-body psychotherapy that helps adults to develop emotional resources and work through the original trauma so that it is no longer there to be triggered.

During Somatic Experiencing people also discover the types of unconscious psychological defenses that they've developed to ward off these traumatic feelings.  As shown in the composite scenarios above, these psychological defenses aren't always adequate to defend against these feelings, which is why people are often triggered.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think you're currently getting emotionally triggered as an adult by unresolved childhood trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can live a fulfilling life free of trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I've helped many adults to overcome trauma so they can lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Taking Control of Your Life

One of the most challenging problems to overcome is to feel that you have little or no control over your life.  Sometimes, there are circumstances (or aspects of circumstances) over which you  have little or no control. 

Taking Control of Your Life

Being very sick, dealing with the death of a loved one or your own impending death are examples where there's little or no control.  But, often, feeling powerless is a state of mind that is learned over time.  It's an attitude that can be overcome so that you can take back control and lead a more fulfilling life.

The following is a fictionalized vignette:

Mary:
Mary grew up in a home where her father dominated the family.  As a former Marine captain, her father was used to giving orders and having them obeyed.  Mary's mother was very passive and she went along with whatever her husband wanted without questioning it. Mary never grew up with a sense of what she wanted or even that she was entitled to want anything.

Mary chose a husband who was very much like her father.  He controlled every aspect of their lives, including their money and their social life.

Mary's husband was a successful business man, so Mary never felt worried about money.  Her husband didn't want her to work, so she stayed home, where there was little for her to do.  They had a full time housekeeper, so Mary often spent her days reading or watching TV.

They had no children because Mary's husband had little patience for children.  Whenever Mary saw a mother with her baby, she felt sad.  But she didn't know why she was feeling sad, and she quickly brushed these feelings aside.

Mary loved her husband, and she knew that he loved her.  But, every so often, she was aware that she felt empty inside.  Whenever she experienced this feeling coming over her, she felt ashamed and confused.  She couldn't understand why she felt this way since her husband provided her with everything she needed.  Sometimes, she felt that she was being selfish and ungrateful when these feelings came over her.

Then, one day, after 25 years of marriage, Mary's husband had a sudden heart attack in the office and he was rushed to the hospital.  Mary rushed to the hospital, but her husband was already dead when she got there.  Mary was stunned and she went through the next few months in a kind of stupor.

The family lawyer had power of attorney made most of the important decisions.  He assured Mary that her husband left her well provided for, and she didn't need to worry about money.  But Mary felt in a constant state of panic, feeling adrift and not knowing what to do with her life.  She spent her days wandering from one room to another in her house feeling sad and overwhelmed.

After several months, Mary's friend recommended that she get professional help to overcome her feelings of powerlessness.  This was a tough decision for Mary to make.  Normally, she would ask her husband what she should do, especially before taking such a big step.  But he wasn't around to ask any more, and Mary wasn't sure what to do.  She was pretty sure that her husband wouldn't approve of her going to therapy.  He would just tell her to "buck up" and that she had no reason to feel unhappy.

Not knowing what to do, Mary went along with her friend's advice and made a consultation with a psychotherapist.  She thought it couldn't hurt to go for one visit.  But a few days before the consultation, she almost cancelled her appointment.  She picked up the phone several times to dial, but she hung up again.  Finally, on the day of the appointment, after debating it back and forth in her head, she went.

This began Mary's road to taking back control of her life, which wasn't easy.  Over time, she realized that she had been feeling emotionally numb for most of her life, and she didn't even know it.  Making even small decisions was fraught with anxiety for Mary.  Before she could tackle any major decisions, she had to first become aware of her own feelings.

Mary's therapist, who practiced mind-body oriented psychotherapy helped Mary to first become aware of her own body because Mary's emotional numbness also included a physical numbness that Mary had never been aware of before.  

Over time, Mary began to be able to identify her emotions based on what she was feeling in her body.  She started feeling alive again in a way she never felt before. At times, experiencing her emotions felt somewhat overwhelming, but Mary's therapist taught her in therapy how to bring herself back into a state of emotional equilibrium early on in their work together.

Mary began to use the emotions she felt in her body to determine what she wanted and to start to make decisions for herself.  It wasn't easy, and she would sometimes feel she wasn't entitled to even want anything for herself.  But she was able to persevere because she liked having a sense of aliveness again, no matter what the feelings were.  To feel something was so much better than to feel nothing at all.

Over time, step by step, Mary overcame the learned helplessness that had been a part of most of her life.  Rather than dreading making decisions, she began to look forward to them as ways to take back control of her life.  

She felt sad for all the years she was emotionally adrift in her life.  But she mourned that loss, along with mourning for her husband, and began to look forward.  She learned that there were some things she couldn't control, but there were many other things in her life that she could control.  As she came emotionally alive again, she felt a renewed sense of self and new self confidence.

What Causes You to Feel You Have No Control Over Your Life?
Sometimes, people feel they have no control over their lives because they've been raised under similar circumstances to Mary, and it becomes a way of life for them to have other people tell them what to do.  Other times, a string of unfortunate circumstances creates self doubt and people feel like they're like a leaf in the wind being blown around.

Taking Control of Your Life Often Begins with One Step
Whatever the circumstances, you can learn to take control of your life.  Taking back control of your life often begins with taking one step.  That first step is often a decision that you want to feel a sense of control and to reclaim your life.

Getting Help in Therapy 
If you've tried to do this on your own and haven't succeeded, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has helped other clients to gain a sense of control of their lives.   

A skilled therapist can help you to feel a sense of agency in your life and, with it, a new sense of aliveness and well being.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with adult individuals and couples.  I have helped many clients to take back control of their lives and feel a new sense of aliveness and well being.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

For a related topic, you can read my article:  How Do We Balance Our Owns Needs With Being Responsive to Our Loved Ones?