Understanding the Connection Between Unresolved Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

When considering psychological trauma, it's important to know there are different types of trauma, including developmental trauma and shock trauma. 

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

In this article I'm focusing on unresolved developmental trauma, which is trauma that occurred over time in childhood, and the need for control as an adult.

What is Psychological Trauma?

Since I'm focusing on developmental trauma (trauma that occurs over time in childhood), the definition of psychological trauma in this context is a person's unique experience of feeling emotional distress in response to ongoing events that overwhelmed their capacity to cope.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

It's important to emphasize that a traumatic response is unique to the individual. So, it's not the events per se that's traumatic--it's a how the individual experiences the events. 

Children who are identical twins might experience the same events in their family where one of them is traumatized and the other is not.  So, each person has their own unique psychological makeup and their own particular response to what happened.

Another factor is whether or not the person who experienced overwhelming events as a child had emotional support at the time or whether they felt alone (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: What is AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)?).

A child who had emotional support from a loving relative will usually have a better psychological outcome than a child who went through distressing event feeling alone.

Feeling Powerless as Part of Chronic Developmental Trauma

Feeling of powerlessness is an important part of developmental trauma.

A feeling of powerlessness is especially prevalent during chronic developmental trauma where there is ongoing exposure to emotionally overwhelming events.  These individuals feel they have no power to stop, change or control these events.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

For instance, a young child who has repeated experiences of hearing their parents' arguments escalate into physical violence will most likely feel terrified and powerless to do anything about their parents' fights.

Even if this same child, who is terrified, is able to muster the courage to knock on their parents' bedroom to try to get them to stop the fighting, the parents might respond in ways that make the incident even more terrifying. 

One or both parents might invalidate the child's fear by saying, "Nothing is wrong. Go back to your room" which can be very confusing for the child. 

Alternatively, the parents might respond in other ways that make the event even scarier.  For example, one of the parents might threaten the child by saying something like, "Get back to your room or you'll get a spanking!" or "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"

This leaves the child in an untenable situation where not only can they not control what's happening but they also fear they will get physically punished.

An hour or two later these same parents, who might be highly volatile with each other at times, might emerge from their bedroom and act as if nothing happened in front of the child. 

Not only does this invalidate the child's fear and make the child feel alone, it can also makes the child wonder if there's something wrong with him or her to fear a situation where the parents are now acting normal.

Understanding the Connection Between Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control

In the example given above, if there are ongoing events like this where the child feels powerless and alone, this child will mostly likely grow up with a strong need to feel in control of their own life, their loved ones' lives and the circumstances around them.

One of the consequences of a history of unresolved trauma and feelings of powerlessness is that individuals often become emotionally triggered when they find themselves in situations where they feel they can't exert control.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

The need for exerting control will vary from one individual to another depending upon the person and the particular situation. But most individuals who experienced chronic trauma growing up don't want to re-experience the sense of powerlessness they experienced as children. This creates in them the need to exert control.

The need to feel in control is a self protective mechanism whereby the individual tries to create a safe space so they don't feel the same terrifying feelings they experienced as a child.

For individuals who grew up in unpredictable circumstances where it felt like anything could happen at any time, the need for predictability is paramount.

What Are Some of the Signs of a Need For Control Based on Unresolved Trauma?

The following are some of the signs people might experience when they have a need to be in control based on unresolved trauma:

• Fear of Ambiguous Situations: They can be very uncomfortable (maybe even panicked) when a situation is unclear. Ambiguous situations can be highly triggering for them which will, in turn, trigger their need to exert control over the situation.

• Setting Rigid Boundaries: They might set rigid boundaries so relationships and situations feel predictable with no second guessing about what might or might not happen.

• Fear of Vulnerability: They might have a hard time opening up to other people. As a result, they might not feel comfortable sharing personal information about themselves because they fear the other person might use this information against them (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy in a Relationship).

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

• Fear of Talking About the Past: They might not like talking about their past because they fear getting triggered again and also fear trusting someone else with this information.

• Fear of Allowing Others to Get to Know Them: They might be hard to get to know because they are protecting themselves from getting hurt again.

• Fear of Intimate Relationships: They might avoid getting into intimate relationships because of their fear of vulnerability.

• You're Either For Them or Against Them: They might feel you're either for them or against them. There might not feel anything in between (no gray area).

• Fear of Trusting Others: If they feel disappointed or letdown by someone, they might not trust that person again.

• A Need for Predictability: Due to their need for predictability, they might have unrealistic or perfectionistic expectations of others (see my article: Perfection vs Good Enough).

• Fear of Risks: They might be risk averse. They might avoid anything that is risky or feels dangerous to them in any way.  This can include the possibility of getting hurt in a relationship, making financial decisions that might involve a degree of risk, making a career change and so on.

• Fear of Abandonment: They might have a strong fear of abandonment. Since their childhood experiences might have included feeling emotionally abandoned by their parents, who were supposed to take care of them, they might fear abandonment in any close relationship.

What's the First Step in Healing Psychological Trauma?

Since developmental trauma occurs in the context of a relationship, healing also needs to occur in the context of a relationship (this is one of the reasons why self help books are often only minimally, if at all, helpful in terms of healing trauma).

Healing Psychological Trauma and Awareness

Unfortunately, people who experienced developmental trauma as children often don't trust relationships. They might have a strong need to feel loved, but they also dread feeling loved because of their early experiences of feeling unsafe (see my article: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Many people who have unresolved developmental trauma continue to use the same protective strategies they used as children. While these strategies might have helped them at the time, they no longer work for them. 

One of those strategies often included avoiding close relationships.

Developing an awareness about the impact of unresolved trauma is an important first step. 

Without an acknowledgement of the impact, there's often a lack of motivation and fear of getting help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Many people seek help in trauma therapy when the pain of doing nothing becomes greater than their fear of getting help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through the issues that keep you stuck with the impact of unresolved trauma.

If you're feeling stuck due to unresolved trauma, seek help in trauma therapy so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist, I believe people have an innate ability to heal from traumatic experiences with the help in trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Before and After Psychological Trauma

Many clients who start psychotherapy to deal with unresolved psychological trauma talk about life before and after their trauma.  Psychological trauma often changes a person's self perception as well as his or her perception of the world.  Whereas the person might have been self confident and the world around him or her made sense before the trauma, after experiencing trauma, self doubt and a feeling that the world is a precarious place can set in (see my article: Trauma Often Creates Negative Expectations For the Future).

Before and After Psychological Trauma

Assuming that a client was functioning at a high level before the trauma, one of the goals of trauma therapy is to help a client to get back to his or her former level of functioning.  If the client has other underlying trauma, like unresolved childhood trauma (also called developmental trauma), resolving these underlying issues is usually a goal of therapy (see my article: Working on Developmental and Shock Trauma in Therapy).

Fictional Clinical Vignette
The following fictional clinical vignette demonstrates this before and after effect of psychological trauma and how trauma-informed psychotherapy can help:

Cassie
Cassie started psychotherapy due to her recurring nightmares about her friend's fatal accident, which occurred more than a year ago.

Cassie explained to her psychotherapist that her friend, Nina, drowned while they were on vacation in New England on a beach that had no lifeguards.  They had been to this beach many times before.  They especially enjoyed that there were relatively few people on the beach early summer.

She told her therapist that Nina, who was a stronger swimmer, went for a swim while Cassie napped on their blanket.  Suddenly, Cassie was woken up when she heard Nina calling for help before she disappeared underwater.  Cassie said she ran into the water to try to save her friend but, she couldn't find her.

In a panic when she couldn't find Nina, Cassie ran back to the blanket to call the police on her cellphone.  Minutes later, help arrived, but they were unable to find Cassie.  The rescue team searched into the night and the next morning, but there was no sign of Nina.

A day later, the police came to the bed and breakfast where Cassie was staying and informed her that Nina's body washed up on the shore.  They told her that Nina was probably overcome by a strong undertow.

Cassie told her psychotherapist that she was devastated and, since that day, she had nightmares almost every night.  She said these recurring dreams were mostly the same:  She was in the water frantically trying to find Nina, calling her name, diving under the water to try to find her, yelling for help, but no one came (see my article: Understanding Shock Trauma).

She said she would wake up panting and in a cold sweat, and the effect of the nightmares tended to stay with her for the rest of the day.

Cassie said she kept replaying in her mind the minutes after Nina told her that she was going for a swim.  She remembered having the thought that Nina shouldn't swim by herself, especially because the water was rough, but she didn't say anything to Nina about this.  She assumed that Nina would be alright because she was such a good swimmer.

Now, all she could do is berate herself for not saying something to Nina or going with her for a swim so Nina wouldn't be alone, "Why didn't I tell her not to go in the water. I should have, at least, gone with her.  Why didn't I do it?"

Cassie said that, before her friend's fatal drowning, she was feeling optimistic about her life, looking forward to starting a new career, happy to be in a new relationship, and making plans for the future.  But, after Nina died, her whole world changed.

Even though she started her new career and stayed in her relationship, Cassie felt like she was just going through the motions.  On the surface, she tried to appear "normal" (her word), but beyond the facade she was trying to maintain, she felt confused, sad, and guilty.

Cassie was aware that her perception of herself and the world around her had changed dramatically since her friend's death, and she was tired of pretending that she was alright.  And, most nights, she was afraid to go to sleep because she dreaded her recurring nightmares.

When her psychotherapist asked Cassie about her family background, she described a loving family with no major traumatic incidents when she was growing up.  She felt emotionally supported by her family and her boyfriend, but she felt no one really understood what she was going through.

Based on Cassie's information about her family background and her description of the traumatic incident when Nina died, her psychotherapist concluded that there was no developmental trauma, so their work would be focus on helping Cassie to overcome the shock trauma related to the Nina's drowning.

Cassie's psychotherapist provided her with psychoeducation about trauma and explained that what she was experiencing were common reactions to a traumatic incident.  She also explained that trauma therapy, EMDR therapy in particular, could help Cassie to overcome her traumatic symptoms (see my articles: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

After they completed the preparation phase of EMDR therapy, Cassie and her psychotherapist worked on the traumatic memory of her friend's death, how helpless Cassie felt, and the guilt that remained with her.

Before and After Psychological Trauma

During the course of their EMDR work, Cassie revealed that, although a part of her wanted to feel better, another part of her felt she didn't deserve to feel better.  She was surprised at how strong the part was that felt she was undeserving.

Cassie's psychotherapist normalized this part that felt undeserving by informing Cassie that it wasn't unusual to feel this way under the circumstances.  She also explained to Cassie that they needed to do Ego States therapy (also known as Parts Work) to work with this particular part of her or it would create an obstacle to their work.

Cassie and her psychotherapist did Ego States work for the next couple of months to help soften this punitive part that felt Cassie was undeserving of feeling better.  After that, they were able to resume EMDR therapy and it went more smoothly.

The trauma therapy was neither quick nor easy, but her psychotherapist knew that experiential work, like EMDR therapy and Ego States work, is usually more effective and works faster than regular talk therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective to Overcome Trauma).

By the time Cassie completed therapy, she still felt sad about her friend's death, but she no longer felt responsible and guilty.  She regained her former self confidence and positive outlook on life.  She also felt worthy of making plans for the future and enjoying her life.  She also stopped having the recurring nightmares.

Conclusion
Most clients, who experience psychological trauma, report that they notice a difference in how they feel about themselves and the world around them after a traumatic experience.

It is as if there were a line that divides their experiences before the trauma vs. after the trauma.

As is often the case in trauma work, there can be a certain amount of ambivalence about getting better when an aspect of a client feels that s/he doesn't deserve to feel better.  This can present an obstacle to doing trauma work if it is not dealt with.

Fortunately, Ego States work, which involves the therapist and client dealing with this particular aspect of the client, helps to overcome this ambivalence so that regular trauma processing in therapy can resume and resolve the trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
Psychological trauma doesn't usually resolve on its own, and ignoring it or hoping it will get better on its own usually makes the symptoms get worse over time.

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from getting help in trauma therapy with an experienced trauma therapist who uses experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

After you have resolved your traumatic experiences in psychotherapy, you can live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.