Relationships: Taking Back Your Personal Power

In a prior article I began a discussion about giving away your personal power to someone who isn't treating you well (see my article: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?).  In this article I'm continuing this topic to discuss how you can take back your personal power.

Taking Back Your Personal Power

Taking Back Your Personal Power

• Focus on Yourself:  First, rather than focusing on your significant other and what s/he might or might not be doing, focus on yourself and how you might be giving away your personal power.  While this can be difficult to do, it's an important first step and can't be ignored.  Rather than complaining about being mistreated, ask yourself how you're contributing to this and keeping it going.  For people who are accustomed to seeing themselves as being victimized, this might sound harsh.  This isn't to say that your significant other might not have some real power over you--whether it's financial or threatening to take your child away, and so on.  But, even if this is the case, you need to start with yourself because somewhere along the way you've lost sight of yourself in this situation.  This requires you to be honest with yourself.

• Ask Yourself If You're Being Objective About Yourself, Your Significant Other and the Relationship:  In my prior article, I discussed how people who give away their power often idealize their significant other and give him or her attributes that aren't really there in order to be able to bask in the significant other's light.  When these attributes aren't there or are greatly exaggerated, you're in denial about your significant other, your relationship and yourself.  Have you received feedback from others who are familiar with the situation and who have expressed misgivings about how your significant other is treating you?  Pretend that you're looking at the same relationship, but instead of you being in the relationship, pretend that it's your best friend.  What advice would you give him or her?  

• Ask Yourself If You're Making Yourself Small in Order to Make Your Significant Other Big:  It's common for people who get into emotionally abusive relationships to diminish their own positive traits in order to make their significant other look good.  If you're unable to be objective, ask close friends and loved ones that you trust about the positive traits they see in you.  Are you able to take their comments in or do you feel uncomfortable?  Was there a time when you felt good about yourself?  When was that?  How was that time different from now?

• Ask Yourself If You Tend to See Yourself as a Victim:  While it might be true that you were victimized as a child when you were really powerless, as an adult, you're capable of taking yourself out of the victim role.  Sometimes, people who are accustomed to being in the victim role unconsciously find romantic partners who will be emotionally abusive in order to stay in the victim role.  This is difficult for most people to overcome on their own, and it usually requires working through the early emotional trauma in psychotherapy.

• Ask Yourself If You're Blaming Others For Your Problems in the Relationships: Are you blaming your significant other, his or her family or your family for the emotional abuse that you're experiencing and for your own inertia?  When you blame others, you disempower yourself.  Ask yourself what you can do to take some responsibility and, in effect, take back your personal power (see my article: Empowering Yourself When You Feel Disempowered).

• Ask Yourself If You've Given Up Your Dreams to Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: When someone is in an emotionally abusive relationship, it often affects every area of their life--not just the relationship.  Maybe you had dreams to pursue higher education or training for a different career and the emotional abuse that you've experienced has eroded your self confidence so that you're no longer pursuing your dreams.  Will you look back at your life when you're older and regret this?

• Ask Yourself If You're So Intent on People Pleasing That You're in Denial About the Emotional Abuse:  People pleasing is a trait that often begins at an early age and continues into adulthood unless someone gets help to overcome it.  It's common for people who people please to be in denial about emotional abuse in their relationship in order to maintain the status quo.   Denial can be very powerful and it will be necessary for you to try to be as objective as you can be. Many people who are in emotionally abusive relationships "let off steam" by complaining to friends.  Then, after they have vented to friends, they feel better and go right back into the same situation with their significant other and right back into denial.

• Ask Yourself What You're Getting Out of Your Relationship:  Often, people remain in unhealthy relationships because they're afraid to be alone and lonely.  They rationalize that it's better to be with someone who mistreats them to be with no one at all.  They also fear that they'll never meet anyone else.  Ask yourself if whatever you're getting out of the relationship is worth a loss of self esteem and self respect.

• Keep a Journal: When you're in denial about your problems, it's easy to "forget" the times when you were emotionally abused in your relationship, especially right after you and your significant other make up and you're both feeling good again.  Usually, there is a predictable cycle to emotional abuse and if you keep a journal and write about the times when you're accepting the emotional abuse, it might help you to develop a more objective perspective about the role you're playing in all of this.  Make sure that wherever you keep the journal that it's safe and secure so that it will remain private.

Get Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point.

People who are ambivalent about a relationship where they're not being treated well can go back and forth for years trying to decide what to do.

In the meantime, as time goes by, most people in emotionally abusive relationships feel worse and worse about themselves over time.  Shame is also a big factor, and it can cause you to turn away from friends and loved ones who want to help you.

Unconscious emotions often play a big role in keeping people stuck in unhealthy relationships, and becoming aware of these unconscious emotions is very difficult to do on your own.

Rather than continuing to suffer on your own, get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you've taken back your personal power, you feel entitled to be treated well and can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?

In prior articles I've discussed issues relating to people who are ambivalent about leaving an emotionally abusive relationship (see my articles:  Why Emotional Abuse Might Feel "Normal" to You, Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship? and Are You Afraid to Leave an Unhappy Relationship?). 

Are You Giving Up Your Personal Power?

In this article I'm focusing on another aspect of emotionally abusive relationships, which is how people who are being emotionally abused by their significant other often give away their personal power.

People often begin psychotherapy because they're confused about their ambivalent behavior in a relationship where they are being emotionally abused.  Even when they realize they're not being treated well by their significant other, they often say they feel compelled to remain in the relationship, and they're confused about their feelings.

Looking on the surface at these relationships from a strictly logical point of view, it can be confusing as to why someone would remain with a partner who is emotionally abusive.

But in order to begin to understand these dynamics, it's important to look beyond the surface because there are usually conscious issues involved.

One common issue is that the person who remains in an emotionally abusive relationship is usually giving away his or her personal power to the significant other without realizing it.

How Do People Give Away Their Power in Emotionally Abusive Relationships?
There are so many different ways that people give away their personal power in emotionally abusive relationships that I'll list what I've seen as the most common ones:

• Endowing a Significant Other With Powerful Attributes That Aren't True:  Rather than recognizing their own personal power, people who give away their power to their significant other endow their partners with characteristics that either aren't there or that are greatly exaggerated in their mind.  They don't see their partner for who s/he really is.  They need their partner to seem powerful, charming, tantalizing and irresistible so they can bask in their partner's light and feel that some of those attributes will rub off on them.  It's as if they have put themselves under a magic spell, but they believe that their partner is the one who is somehow keeping them spellbound.  Other people, who know the situation, might be scratching their heads because they don't see these attributes in the partner, but the person who has given up his or her personal power is caught up in this fantasy (see my articles: Are You In Love With Him or Your Fantasy of Him? and The Connection Between Obsessive Love as an Adult and Unmet Childhood Emotional Needs).

• Denying or Diminishing Their Own Positive Characteristics:  Along with idealizing a partner and endowing him or her with fantasized attributes, they also diminish or disregard their own positive characteristics.  They make themselves small in order to make their significant other seem big.  This is usually a longstanding, ingrained problem and makes the significant other more compelling ("I'm weak, but he's so strong that he'll protect me").

• Becoming the "Victim" in the Relationship: Along with idealizing the significant other and diminishing themselves, people who give away their power identify as the victim in the relationship.  They might spend a lot of time complaining to their friends and loved ones about not being treated well by their significant other, but they believe themselves to be powerless in the situation.  Rather than taking a step back and reflecting on why they remain with someone who mistreats them even when they're complaining bitterly about it, they will give many "reasons" why they just can't bring themselves to leave the relationship.  Even when they agree with their friends and their loved ones that it would be better for them to leave the relationship, they will often say, "I don't know why, but I just can't leave" until their friends get tired of hearing the constant complaints without any action being taken (see my article:  Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" vs "I Won't").  Often, these people had early experiences of being victimized as children, and they're unable to see that they are now adults and no longer powerless.  The feeling of powerlessness never leaves them, and this is a sign that they need to work out the earlier issues in psychotherapy (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Past Childhood Trauma).  There might also be cultural factors involved.

• Engaging in People Pleasing:  People who give up their power and remain in emotionally abusive relationships are often people pleasers.  They need to be liked, even when it makes them feel "weak," powerless, fearful, self loathing and lost.  For the partner who is emotionally abusive and who has narcissistic traits, this is an ideal situation because s/he gets to manipulate the people pleaser and control the relationship.  

In my next article, I'll discuss how to take back your personal power (see my article: Relationships: Taking Back Your Personal Power).

Getting Help in Therapy
Aside from the unconscious issues involved in remaining in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is usually a lot of shame, especially if friends and family are criticizing you for not leaving.

Most people, who are in this type of situation and who are unable to resolve it on their own, find it helpful to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

While no one can do it for you, if you're willing to get help in therapy, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand the unconscious issues and to begin to take back your personal power.

Regaining your personal power and your self esteem can be a life changing experience.  Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice

In my last article, I wrote about the core self in relation to Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems' model Internal Family Systems - Self Leadership. I focused on the "exile parts," which are parts of ourselves that contain trauma, emotional pain, and shame. I also mentioned the core self, which is that deep, central, internal place where we know intuitively and compassionately what's best for us. Another way of describing the core self is with the metaphor of the "inner voice."

What is Your Inner Voice?
The inner voice (or core self) is like an internal wise guide who helps us navigate through life. Some people talk about it in terms of having "a hunch" or "a sense" or "a gut reaction." 

Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice

It's a felt sense and when you feel it, it feels right to you. When you're trying to make a decision and you sense your inner voice guiding you, that internal guidance resonates intuitively with you.

Discovering or Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice:
There are many people who struggle to discover or reclaim the power of the inner voice.

I believe that your inner voice is never totally lost. I believe that it remains there to be discovered or reclaimed, even under the worst of circumstances.

Certain situations, like early trauma or an oppressive relationship, can often squelch the inner voice so that you're hardly aware of it or, in extreme cases, not aware of it at all. Under these circumstances, the inner voice is often suppressed so that it feels like it's no longer available. Sometimes, a person who is so burdened by emotional problems might forget his or her inner voice exists.

Reclaiming the Power of the Inner Voice through Creativity and Psychotherapy:
Many years ago, I met a woman in my neighborhood through a local civic group. I'll call her Betty (not her real name). In recent years, after she reclaimed the power of her inner voice, Betty has been very open with many people about her story, including telling her story at many public readings, so I'm not divulging anything here without her permission.

Back then, when I was first getting to know Betty through our work, I discovered that I enjoyed her company. We began to talk about creative writing, which I had recently resumed at that point. I shared some of my short stories with her and she showed me stories that she had written many years before. I thought her writing was quite good and I told her this. I was also curious why she had stopped writing. She said that she often felt an urge to resume her writing, but she didn't.

One evening, after our civic group meeting, I went to Betty's house to have dinner. She introduced me to her husband, Ben (not his real name) who greeted me warmly and welcomed me to their home. He was so kind and charming towards me that I was completely taken by surprise when I saw how he treated Betty during our dinner. Whenever Betty said anything, Ben interrupted her by either talking over her, contradicting her or criticizing what she said. The first time that it happened, I felt mildly annoyed. But as it continued to happen, it was all that I could do to contain myself in this awkward situation.

I could see that Betty was deeply affected by Ben's oppressive behavior. Her whole demeanor changed: her eyes were downcast, she lowered her head, and she began slumping in her chair. It was a painful transformation to watch. I was really just getting to know Betty, and this was not a side of her that I had seen before. Although I felt an inclination to defend her, I really wanted her to take a stand on her own and defend herself but, unfortunately, she didn't. The more that Ben interrupted, contradicted and criticized her, the more she caved in emotionally and physically.

As you can imagine, dinner felt like it went on forever. When it was finally over, Ben pushed his dishes in Betty's direction, pushed his chair back and excused himself while he went out to the back porch to smoke a cigar. I had the feeling that he had never washed a dish in that household during the 25 years that they had been together. When he left the room, I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief. It was as if, until then, he had sucked the air out of the room.

As I helped Betty put the dishes in the dishwasher, I struggled with what to say to her. At that point, she wasn't someone that I knew well, so I didn't feel like I could talk to her as a close friend about such a personal topic as her relationship with her husband, so I didn't say anything.

Sensing what I was thinking, Betty said to me, "You mustn't mind Ben. He doesn't mean any harm." Before I could respond, she quickly changed the subject and showed me around the house. When we went upstairs, we came to the door of a room that she described, almost apologetically, as her art studio. She started walking past the door, when I told her that, if she didn't mind, I'd like to see some of her art work. Betty seemed surprised that I was interested and she was very dismissive of her art, telling me that she was never very good at it and she hadn't done any work in a long time.

With a fair amount of hesitation, Betty opened the door and I was surprised and delighted to find beautiful paintings--portraits and landscapes. The colors and shapes were bold and full of life. There was such a contrast between the bold expressions in her art work and her demure behavior around her husband that I was shocked. Then, Betty told me that she had gradually given up her painting as well as her writing a few years after she got married. She said she had very little time at that point between taking care of the children when they were younger and taking care of her husband, so she gave it up. None of the paintings were hung up--they were just stacked against the walls in the room, left like forgotten orphans in that room.

When I praised Betty's work, she blushed, as if I was giving praise to her about someone else's work. She was so uncomfortable that she wanted to get out of that room as quickly as she could.

Over the next several months, Betty and I spent more time together. I encouraged her to start writing again, which she did, and we met once a week to share our stories. She had very little confidence at first, but as she continued to write, very gradually, her confidence started to grow a little. Her writing skills were really very good.

Betty also took my suggestion and hung some of her pictures in her studio. Although she was still very self critical about her work, when she hung up those pictures, along with resuming her creative writing, it was an important early step in helping her to reclaim the power of her inner voice.

Then, one day, Betty confided in me that she began psychotherapy. She knew that I would obviously be very supportive, which is one of the reasons why she told me. Fortunately, she chose a therapist who understood the importance of Betty's creativity and encouraged her to use her art as well as their psychotherapy sessions to reclaim her power. She also began working through very traumatic childhood issues.

Several months later, Betty felt confident enough to begin painting again. At first, she was very tentative and apologetic about her work but, over time, she became more confident. As she became more confident through her creative work and in her therapy, Betty began finding her inner voice and standing up to her husband. 

She had learned to tap into the power of her inner voice, and she was no longer intimidated by him. This completely changed the dynamic of their relationship, which was very uncomfortable for Ben. For the next several months, he tried his usual tactics to bully and intimidate her, but it didn't work. When she couldn't stand his behavior any more and he refused to go to marriage counseling, she knew that it was over, and she told him that she wanted a divorce.

Several months after their divorce, Betty met another man who was more of a kindred spirit to her than Ben ever was, they moved in together, and she has been very happy with him. During that time, she continued to use her art work and psychotherapy sessions to work through her family of origin issues as well as the aftermath of her marriage. She also shared her emotional journey with others through her prose and poetry.

Reclaiming the Power of Your Own Inner Voice:
You don't have to be a painter or a creative writer to use your creativity to reclaim the power of your inner voice. We are all creative beings--it's just a matter of tapping into our creativity. Journaling can be a powerful way to reclaim and strengthen your creativity and your inner voice.

Many people like the idea of writing, but they feel self conscious or lack confidence in themselves to even know where to begin. I often recommend to friends and clients alike that if they don't know how or where to start, they can read Julie Cameron's book called The Artist's Way. She gives wonderful exercises, including writing "morning pages" to help get the cobwebs out of your mind and get you started. I read The Artists Way more than15 years ago, and I found it inspiring in terms of developing my own creativity.

What If Working on Your Own is Not Enough to Reclaim Your Inner Voice?
Whenever I've wanted to develop my creativity or make major changes in my life, I've often found it very helpful to join like minded people. 

For instance, before I became a psychotherapist and I was trying to decide on a career change, I joined a support group called "Making Changes in Our Lives." Each of us was trying to develop in some area of our lives and the support and ideas in the group were very helpful. Most people were trying to redefine their careers, but some people were also contemplating relocating, having a baby, and other important life decisions.

When you're in a group with other like minded people who are also trying to make positive changes in their lives, you often find that what you can accomplish in that group is so much more than you can accomplish on your own, especially if there's synergy in the group.

But not everyone likes groups and not everyone has access to this kind of support group. So, either in addition to or instead of the support group, you might find it very helpful to work with a psychotherapist who can help you to reclaim your creativity and the power of your inner voice.

Whether you do the exercises in Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way, join a support group, begin psychotherapy, hire a coach, or do all of the above, it's important to take action and not allow yourself to stagnate. People are often surprised how taking one positive often leads to other positive steps in reclaiming their power.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.

I have helped many clients to reclaim their inner power to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  "Parts" Work: Is an "Exile" Running Your Life?

Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss

"We have no reason to mistrust our world for it is not against us. Has its terrors, they are our terrors; has its abysses, those abysses belong to us; our dangers at hand, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange life according to that principle which counsels us that we must always hold to the difficult, then that which now seems to us the most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful. How should we be able to forget those ancient myths that are at the beginning of all peoples, the myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once as beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us."
   ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, poet, 1934, Letters to a Young Poet

Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss

Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss Can Test Us
Learning to trust again after a major setback or a loss can test us in ways that we might not have ever been tested before. When we feel lost, confused, helpless, and disempowered, where do we find the courage to stand up again to face whatever challenge is before us? This is a question that we all face at one time or another. We are challenged to find ways, sometimes without even knowing how or where we'll find the personal strength, to get through the crisis and continue living our lives.

For some people, it's like walking through a dark cave, feeling the wall next to them, taking one small and unsure step at a time, not knowing where it might lead, and hoping that each step will bring them closer to the light, safety, and warmth outside the cave. Without any assurances or guarantees, they keep taking one step at a time, sometimes stopping, sometimes falling down, but getting back up again and continuing to move forward.

Sometimes life presents us with a loss or disappointment, often unexpected, catching us off guard and flat footed. It might be the breakup of a relationship, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the betrayal of a spouse or a friend, or a sudden accident or illness. At those times, it might feel that we will never get over the loss. We might feel that we never want to open our hearts again to feel this kind of vulnerability and pain. It might feel unfair that life goes on, time passes, other people are experiencing new joy in their lives, getting married, having children, experiencing success in their lives and we feel stuck in this place of despair.

Sometimes We Disappoint Ourselves
Sometimes we disappoint ourselves when we revert to old behavior that we thought we had overcome, only to find ourselves back again in that same place that we hoped we would never find ourselves in again. This might mean losing our temper when we thought we had overcome our problems with anger management, relapsing on alcohol or drugs after years of sobriety, picking up a cigarette after years of not smoking, choosing an unhealthy relationship again after promising ourselves and others never to do that again, or engaging in other self-sabotaging behavior. At times like this, we might feel that we can't even trust ourselves as we struggle to overcome our own inner demons.

After a loss or a major setback, rebuilding trust in ourselves, in others, and in life in general is a process. It can feel slow and unsteady at times. Often, we might feel like we'd like to give up, abandon hope, keep our heads down, make ourselves small, and hide out somewhere. But most of the time, after a temporary retreat, we might not have that option. The father with small children whose wife died must continue to care for his children, go to work, take care of daily responsibilities and go on with life. Even though part of him really doesn't want to because he's grieving for his loss, he knows must learn to trust again that life will get better for himself and his children. The single mother who lost her job again, maybe for the third or fourth time in a row, must go out and try to find another job and trust that there's a prospective employer who will see her talent, hire her and keep her on as a valued employee. The victim of a car accident who has become disabled faces the choice of giving up or engaging and persevering in physical therapy with the hope that his health will be restored.

Remembering Challenges We Have Overcome Gives Us a Sense of Hope

Remembering other difficult times in our lives where we've overcome personal challenges can give us a sense of hope that we can overcome whatever we're faced with now and learn to trust again. Reading and learning about what other people have done to regain trust in themselves, others and in life, can help to inspire us and give us hope. As an example, I'm thinking, in particular, of Franklin Roosevelt, who was disabled by polio during his presidency, but who persevered and, according to Eleanor Roosevelt, never gave up hope that he would overcome his illness.

Getting  Help in Therapy: You're Not Alone

It's important to realize that, even when you feel that life has dealt you a terrible blow, making you feel alienated and isolated from the rest of the world, you're not alone. Many people have gone through what you're experiencing and have come out on the other side. It's important to stay connected to supportive friends and family, and if you're still unable to see light at the end of the tunnel, to seek professional help from a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.   I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to learn to trust again and find hope and meaning in life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.