Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Childhood sexual abuse is more prevalent than most people think, and the psychological effects can be much more far reaching than had been recognized in years past. 

It's only been relatively recently that people have even begun to talk about childhood sexual abuse more openly, and people have sought psychological help to overcome its effects. 

Years ago, this topic was considered taboo and survivors of childhood sexual abuse often kept these traumatic secrets to themselves, often to their detriment.

Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Childhood sexual abuse is a very broad topic and there have been many books, articles, and TV programs about the psychological effects. One blog article can hardly do justice to such an important topic.

What is Childhood Sexual Abuse?
Broadly speaking, childhood sexual abuse is any form of sexual touching, kissing, inappropriate undressing or any other form of sexual behavior with a child. Childhood sexual abuse is a boundary violation that often has severe detrimental effects on the child.

Who Engages in Childhood Sexual Abuse?
Anyone who is around a child is a potential sexual perpetrator. Often, the sexual perpetrator is someone who would, under normal circumstances, be trusted with the child, including one or both parents, another family member, a teacher, a religious leader, babysitter, or other people.

Often, people who engage in childhood sexual abuse have been sexually abused themselves and they are repeating this pattern.

Regardless of the circumstances of how or why this occurs, adults who engage in childhood sexual abuse are responsible for their behavior both morally and legally.

Can a Child Ever be Held Responsible for Sexual Abuse?
Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse often feel responsible for the abuse for a variety of reasons. First, let me answer my question with a resounding "No." Children are never responsible for their own sexual violation. However, as adults, as previously mentioned, they often feel that they brought it on themselves in some way which, of course, is not true because children don't have the developmental capacity and often don't have a way to stop the abuse.

Often, when survivors of childhood sexual abuse begin psychotherapy to deal with the aftermath of the abuse, they talk about the sexual acts "feeling good" and they have a lot of guilt and shame about this. When a survivors of sexual abuse tells me this, I help them to distinguish between what might feel good in their body or on an emotional level from their feelings of being responsible.

Perpetrators of childhood sexual abuse have an uncanny way of selecting children that they sense are vulnerable.

These children are often lonely or neglected in some way and they're craving attention. To a child who craves attention, sexualized attention is better than no attention at all. Even if they feel uncomfortable, many children go along with the perpetrator because he or she might be nice to them in other ways: spending time with them, taking an interest in things that interest them, giving them gifts and so on.

If the perpetrator happens to be someone who would normally be considered a trusted family member, friend, or clergy, children who are being sexually abused can become very confused and doubt their own feelings of discomfort or that the abuse is even happening.

In some of the more egregious forms of childhood sexual abuse, perpetrators often threaten the children or threaten to harm a family member if the children reveal what's going on.

Psychological Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse:
Each person's experience will be different and the psychological effects will be different. Experiences can vary depending upon age, temperament, the relationship with the perpetrator, whether there are explicit memories or only vague feelings or sensations, and so on.

The important point when considering the psychological effects of childhood sexual abuse is that no one goes unaffected because it is such a personal boundary violation.

Often, without realizing it, adults who were sexually abused as children have difficulty with sexual intimacy in their relationships.

Before I go on, I want to caution that not everyone who has difficulties with sexual intimacy has been sexually abused. There are many varied reasons why a person might have difficulty with sexual intimacy, including physical reasons, other types of violations or breaches, depression, anxiety, and so on. So, no one should automatically assume that because they're having problems being sexual with a partner that this means he or she was sexually abused.

The following scenario, which is a fictionalized account and does not represent any one person or persons, illustrates the possible psychological effects of childhood sexual abuse:

Alice:
Alice was in her early 20s when she met Bob at a friend's party. They were instantly attracted to each other, they had similar interests, and they began dating soon after they met. It was important to Alice that she get to know Bob before they became sexually intimate, so she wanted to wait a while before they had sex. Bob was becoming increasingly fond of Alice, so he didn't mind waiting.

After they had dated for a couple of months, Alice felt like she was ready to be sexually intimate with Bob, and she let him know. After a romantic dinner, Alice and Bob went back to his apartment. His roommate was away, so they had the place to themselves.

Alice felt warm and close towards Bob, and she was excited about taking their dating relationship to the next level. Other than kissing, Alice had never had sex with any of the other young men that she had dated in the past, but she felt that there was something special about Bob.

As they were sitting on the couch, listening to music by candlelight, they began to kiss. Alice enjoyed kissing Bob and she was feeling increasingly passionate. But when Bob touched her breast, Alice froze both physically and emotionally, and she began to feel confused.

On the one hand, Bob's touch felt tender and exciting, but on the other hand, it also started to make Alice feel queasy. She tried not to pay attention to the queasy feeling in her stomach, but it continued to get stronger and her confusion increased.

At the point when Alice felt that she was going to vomit, she pushed Bob's hand away. He realized immediately that she was upset and asked her if she was all right. Alice didn't know what to say. She felt her whole body go rigid and cold, and she felt that she wanted to run out of the apartment. Aside from feeling confused, she also felt ashamed.

Without words to express what was going on with her, Alice told Bob that she had to go and she rushed out of his apartment and went back to the apartment that she shared with friends. Bob was stunned, and he tried to talk to Alice, but she left in a hurry and told him not to follow her.

Over the next few weeks, Bob tried to call Alice. She heard his voicemail messages, but she was too confused, ashamed and guilty to call him back. She didn't even feel comfortable talking to her close friends about what happened. She just knew that she never wanted to feel that disgusting, queasy feeling again. So, she continued to avoid Bob and, after a few weeks, he stopped calling.

This was the beginning of a long line of disappointments for Alice whenever she tried to be sexually intimate with men. Aside from getting an upset stomach and feeling ashamed, confused and guilty, Alice also felt a sudden emotional revulsion whenever she began to be sexually intimate with a man. Each time that she attempted to be sexually intimate, Alice hoped that the experience would be different, but it never was.

By the time Alice was in her 30s, she had experienced so many physical and emotional upsets with sexual intimacy that she no longer wanted to date. She tried to tell herself and her friends that she was "just fine" being alone. But the truth was that she was very lonely and she wanted to overcome whatever was causing her to feel so uncomfortable and mistrustful.

Struggling with this issue on her own brought no relief, so her best friend recommended that Alice see a psychotherapist. Alice had always thought that people who went to therapy were "crazy," but her friend explained to her that, quite to the contrary, many people went to psychotherapy for everyday, ordinary problems, and they weren't "crazy." So, Alice obtained a recommendation from her doctor and made an appointment with a psychotherapist.

During the first session, the psychotherapist took a family history as part of the initial session. This is standard practice. When the therapist asked Alice if she had experienced any sexual abuse or molestation, Alice's first inclination was to say "no," but she hesitated.

She knew that her Uncle John used to touch her breasts whenever no one else was around. She also knew that this began when she was about nine years old. But she wasn't sure what to say about it because whenever he touched her, she felt confused and she continued to feel confused about it.

Uncle John tended to be kind and generous with her, especially after Alice's father died when she was four years old. He took a special interest in her, taking her to the park, teaching her how to ride a bike, taking her to the movies, and listening to her in a way that her mother, who was depressed after Alice's father died, never did any more.

One day, soon after her 12th birthday, when she was alone with her Uncle John, he sat next to her on the couch, as he had many times in the past. However, this time, he offered her a sip of his beer. Alice never tasted beer before and she knew that her mother wouldn't like it, but she also thought that Uncle John would never ask her to do anything that was wrong. So, with some hesitation, she tasted his beer, and he encouraged her to drink more.

She didn't think much about it because it just felt like any other activity that she shared with Uncle John. But after a while, Alice's head began to spin. Uncle John had already drank quite a few beers and he asked Alice to sit on his lap. Alice had not sat on Uncle John's lap since she was about four or five years old, so she thought this was odd. When she hesitated, Uncle John said he felt hurt that she wouldn't do this. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, Alice sat on Uncle John's lap, even though she felt uncomfortable.

As Alice continued to drink more beer, she could hardly keep her eyes open, but she saw the expression on Uncle John's face change. She had never seen him look at her like this, and she wasn't sure what was happening or if she could even trust what she was seeing because she was pretty drunk by then.

But when Uncle John put his hand up her blouse and began fondling her breast, she felt confused. On a physical level, part of her felt good and excited, but and her stomach was also queasy. All the while, Uncle John was telling her how beautiful she was and that she was his favorite niece.

Soon after that, she passed out, and when she woke up, she was in her bed and her mother came home. Uncle John came up to her room to say goodbye. Alice remembered vaguely what happened, but Uncle John looked at her so kindly, the way he always looked, and she began to doubt her own recollection of what happened that day.

The next time that Uncle John babysat for Alice, she turned down his offer to drink his beer and she told him that she didn't feel comfortable sitting on his lap. Uncle John turned away from her and turned on the TV. He refused to talk to her, and this upset Alice greatly. He was the only one who took any interest in her in the family, and she loved him very much.

When she could not get him to pay attention to her, she went up to her room, feeling very lonely and sad, and she cried herself to sleep until her mother came home.

The following time, it was much the same, and Alice felt desperate for Uncle John's attention. So, she told herself that it wasn't so bad, after all, to drink beer with Uncle John and sit on his lap. When she told him this, Uncle John transformed into her Old Uncle John, kind, attentive and warm.

She didn't drink as much beer as she did the first time, but she acquiesced to Uncle John's wishes and allowed him to fondle her breasts. She fought off the queasy feeling in her stomach and told herself that this was a small price to pay to have Uncle John's attention.

So, this continued on without Alice revealing this to anyone. Uncle John told Alice that no one would understand the "special relationship" that they had together and he told her not to tell anyone so it would remain special between the two of them.

Around the time that Alice turned 15, Uncle John no longer wanted to spend as much time with Alice, which she didn't understand. He had many excuses as to why he wasn't available. But Alice found out from her mother that Uncle John was now spending more time with Alice's cousin, Lisa, who was a year younger than her.

One day, when Alice went over to Lisa's house to look for Uncle John, she found the door open so she walked in. She walked into Lisa's bedroom, where she heard Lisa and Uncle John laughing. At first, she could not see anything because the room was dark.

Then, when her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw Uncle John having sex with Lisa. She was stunned. It was obvious that they were both very drunk, and Uncle John shouted to Alice, "Get out of here! You're too old for me now! Lisa's my favorite niece now" and Uncle John and Lisa both laughed at Alice.

Lisa ran out of the house and never told anyone what she saw. After that, she never wanted to spend any time with Uncle John. Whenever she saw him at family functions, he acted like the Old Uncle John, as if nothing had happened. This confused Alice, and made her doubt what happened to her with Uncle John and what she saw when she went to Lisa's house. She thought to herself, "How could this be the same Uncle John who always took care of me?"

All of these thoughts were swimming around her head after the therapist asked her about childhood sexual abuse. Over time, Alice was able to talk about what happened and she realized that her uncle was a pedophile, and she was sexually abused as a child. She also began to connect the queasy, frozen feeling that she had as an adult when she was sexual with men to the feelings that she had as a child with Uncle John.

Alice had to work through a lot of anger, sadness, and bitterness. Just talking about the abuse and knowing that she got emotionally and physically triggered whenever she was sexual was not enough to resolve her trauma.

Talking about it was only the beginning. Alice's therapist used EMDR therapy, which is a mind-body oriented psychotherapy, to work through the trauma. It took time and effort, but Alice was able to overcome her trauma and, eventually, she had a healthy relationship with a man that she met soon after that.

The psychological effects of childhood sexual trauma can occur at any time. Many people don't realize that the sexual abuse is effecting them, and they often blame themselves for any sexual difficulties that they have as adults.

Very often, regular talk therapy is not enough to overcome the trauma. It might provide you with intellectual insight about what happened and how it is effecting you, but it's often not enough to help you heal.

Mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like EMDR, is often more effective in overcome sexual trauma and trauma in general.

The fictionalized case that I presented is about a girl, but sexual abuse also occurs to boys. It can be just as confusing and depressing for a man to deal with these feelings when they are triggered as it is for a woman.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, you're not alone and you can overcome your trauma with help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in this area.

To find out more about EMDR therapy, see my article:  EMDR Therapy - When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough.

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Arguing About Money

In my prior blog post, I discussed sexual incompatibility as being one of the major reasons why couples come to marriage or couples counseling (see link below). In this blog post, I'll focus on one of the other major reasons why couples seek help--arguments about money.

Money is often symbolic of power. Whoever has or makes more money in a relationship is often seen as the more powerful person in the relationship, and this can lead to arguments.

Relationships: Arguing About Money

Similarly, differing values about money between a couple in a relationship can also lead to arguments and, at times, irreconcilable differences.

What Are the Different Problems that a Couple Can Have About Money?

The Saver vs the Spender:
It's not unusual in a relationship for there to be one person who prefers to save money and another person who would rather save money. When this is the particular dynamic in a relationship, there are bound to be differences of opinion and, often heated arguments, about what to purchase, when to make purchases, when to save, and, in general, how to manage the money.

Combining Each Person's Money vs Having a Separate Pot of Money:
Couples often differ as to whether they should pool the money that they had before they got together or if they should each keep what they had and create a separate pot of money to pay bills, make major purchases, etc.

For the person who prefers to combine their individual financial accounts, he or she might feel that the other person doesn't trust him/her enough to combine assets or lacks faith in the relationship.

The person who wants to keep their individual accounts separate and create a separate pot for expenses might have gotten burnt in prior relationships by pooling all the money together. With combined finances, it's not unusual for there to be problems if the couple separates. Of course, no one wants to enter into a relationship thinking that things might not work out, although this is a reality for many couples.

What to Do About Prior Debt:
Related to the above, if one person in the relationship enters the relationship with excessive debt, the couple needs to make decisions about how to handle that debt. Are they going to work on reducing the debt together or is the person with the debt going to take care of it on his or her own? If the couple can't negotiate their differences around this issue, it can become a major issue between them leading to frequent arguments.

Secrecy About Money:
I've seen many couples where one or both people keep secrets about money. For some people, it's a matter of withholding information about debt or how much money or assets they have or other related issues. Often, when there's secrecy about money, there are often other issues related to secrecy. If one of the people in the relationship finds out that his/her partner has been keeping secrets about money, it often engenders feelings of anger, betrayal and lack of trust.

Money as Power and Control:
As previously mentioned, when there is a difference in assets or earning power within a relationship, this can create arguments around power and control. The person who earns more money might feel that this gives him/her the right to greater control over their money and other major decisions. If the other person in the relationship doesn't agree and they can't negotiate this, this issue can lead to big arguments.

Money as a Cover Up for Other Problems in the Relationship:
Sometmes, it's really not about the money per se. The couple might be arguing about money because it's a concrete and tangible issue, but the real issue might be about other feelings. For instance, if one of the people in the relationship feels that there is a power differential in the relationship (let's say that one person makes most of the decisions that effect the relationship), the person who feels less powerful can use money as a handy issue to argue about when it might not be about the money (although it could be).

Using Money as a Way to Get Revenge:
When there are problems in a relationship, sometimes one of the people "acts out" by running up credit cards or overspending in some way to get back at his or her partner. This is an issue that I'll address in a separate post. However, it's easy to see how this could create arguments and, in some cases, end a relationship.

In most of these cases, there is often poor communication in the relationship and/or fundamental value differences about money and other important issues.

As I mentioned in a prior blog post, it's always better to talk about money before getting married or entering into a committed relationship. It often saves a lot of heartache if a couple can either negotiate these issues beforehand or, prior to making a major commitment, find out that they're just not compatible with regard to money and they're unable to negotiate these issues. But many people neglect talking about money until they're already in a relationship and it becomes a major problem.

If you and your partner or spouse are arguing about money, before this problem sabotages your relationship, get help. This is a common problem that can often be worked out with professional help.

Aside from the possibility of consulting with a financial planner who can help you with the "technical" nuts and bolts regarding money issues, consulting with a marriage or couples counselor can help you to navigate the emotional rough waters related to money problems.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples to work out the emotional issues around money so that they can stop arguing about money and enjoy their relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Triangulation in Families and Love Triangles

When we think of "triangles" in relationships, we often associate them with "love triangles" where a person is romantically involved with two people at the same time. 

Typically, we think of the man or woman who is married or in a primary relationship who is having an affair with someone else. 

These relationships are often complex and usually don't end well for the people involved. But less talked about are triangles in family relationships and how this can lead to "love triangles" when children from these families become adults.

Triangulation in Families

What is Triangulation in Family Relationships?

In certain families, family members form unhealthy alliances against others in the family. This could be a mother and daughter against the father or a father and son against the mother or mother and son against the father or father and daughter against the mother, as well as other permutations of these triangular relationships.

Basically, in triangular relationships, there are usually two people against at least one other person. The two people who have aligned with each other usually have an unhealthy, enmeshed relationship with each other and the other person that they are aligned against is the odd one out.

Needless to say, these triangular relationships are emotionally unhealthy and detrimental to all members of the family, regardless of whether they are part of the enmeshed alliance or the odd one out. These triangular relationships form for a variety of reasons. Generally, there is a power struggle going on in the family and the two that are aligned are trying to have power over the other family member.

Often, when children, who are in families with triangular relationships, grow up, they tend to triangulate in their adult relationships, often leading to illicit affairs or to triangles in their own families with their spouses and children.

A fictionalized account will serve to illustrate these points:

Tom:
Tom grew up as an only child. As far back as he could remember, his parents were always arguing.

When he was about seven years old, Tom's father, Scott, started confiding in Tom about how unhappy he was being married to Tom's mother, Nancy. Tom would listen to his father, just feeling happy that his father was spending time with him. Sometimes, he worried that his father would leave the household so, at those times, he made sure to pay extra special attention to his father's complaints, even though he didn't understand them.

Even though he didn't understand, Tom still felt it was important to be on his father's side. When he saw how unhappy his father was and he feared that his father would leave the household and abandon him, he felt very angry with his mother. Often when he was alone his mother, he would tell her, "Stop fighting with dad." Usually, his mother would respond by saying, "Your father is an idiot," which made Tom feel even more angry.

Tom's parents sometimes argued at night and this kept Tom up most of the night. When it was time to go to school, Tom was too groggy to get up. Often, this caused arguments between Nancy and Scott, with Nancy telling Tom that he needed to go to school, and Scott telling Nancy to leave Tom alone. Nancy usually left for work before Scott, and she would tell Tom to get up, get dressed, eat his breakfast and go to school. But after Nancy left, Scott would tell Tom that he didn't have to go to school and he could stay home with his paternal grandmother who lived downstairs.

Tom felt that his father was on his side since Scott allowed Tom to stay home. He especially felt this way when his mother got home and scolded him for not going to school and his father defended him.

Even after his grades began to slip, Scott allowed Tom to stay home from school when he didn't want to go. During that time, Tom's school engaged in "social promotion" so that even though he was not doing well, they kept allowing him to go to the next grade.

This pattern continued into Tom's adolescence. It seemed that Nancy and Scott had completely different ideas about child rearing. When Tom was 14 and Nancy found out that Tom was smoking, she hit the roof and forbade Tom to smoke. But when Nancy wasn't around, Scott would provide Tom with cigarettes, and Tom thought this was "cool" of his father. When Nancy got home, she detected the cigarette smell on Tom and she and Scott would get into a screaming match.

By this time, Tom saw his father as "the cool one" and his mother as "the witch." Around that time, one day when Nancy and Scott were fighting about Tom failing his classes in junior high school, Tom lost his temper with his mother and told her to "shut up." He was filled with such rage against her that he felt like hitting her, but he punched the wall instead and broke his knuckles.

Nancy and Scott argued all the way to the ER. Seeing the dysfunctional dynamic, after attending to Tom, the ER doctor recommended that the three of them attend family counseling. Nancy agreed, but Scott and Tom refused to go.

By the time Scott was 16, he was smoking marijuana with his friends. One of those friends' mother called Nancy and told her that her son was smoking marijuana with her son and she wanted to put a stop to it. When Nancy told Scott about it, he brushed it off and told her that she was making too big a deal about it. When Tom got home, he found his parents arguing about it and he aligned with his father against his mother.

After Tom moved out on his own, his parents decided to get a divorce. Tom still had a lot of anger towards his mother. He felt that she was always trying to stop him from doing things that he wanted to do, but he thought that his dad understood him. He also thought his father was better off without her.

When Tom was in his mid-20s, he entered into a relationship with Ann. At first, he enjoyed being with her and he had fun. But as the relationship got more serious, Tom became fearful of the intimacy. He knew that he loved Ann, but he often found the relationship to be "too intense."

One day, he met Susan at a local bookstore, and he started dating her without telling Ann and without telling Susan that he was supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. Once he began the affair with Susan, even though she was unaware of it, Tom entered into a classic "love triangle".

After he began dating Susan, he felt more comfortable in his relationship with Ann. Whenever he felt that things were getting "too intense" with Ann, he would go out with Susan. After a while, he got good at juggling these two relationships. But one day, Susan confronted him by telling him that her friend saw him with Ann and that it was obvious that he was in a relationship with her.

Tom tried to lie, but he knew that Susan knew the truth, so he admitted that he was in a primary relationship with Ann. He expected that Susan would leave him, but she told him that she didn't want to end their relationship and she begged Tom to leave Ann for her.

Tom wasn't sure what to do. He liked seeing both women and he wasn't sure if he would be happy with just one of them. He considered Ann to be his primary relationship and, after he thought about it for a while, he told Susan that he wasn't leaving Ann. To his amazement, Susan continued to see him, knowing that she was "the other woman."

Then, one day, Susan found Ann's telephone number on Tom's cell phone and called her. She told Ann all about her affair with Tom and that she would wait for Tom to leave Ann. When Ann angrily confronted Tom about this, he felt that Ann was overreacting. He left Ann to go be with Susan that night, and the two of them aligned with each other and agreed that Ann was blowing things out of proportion.

Susan told Tom that she would never leave him and she would wait for him as long as it took. Tom was very flattered by this. In the meantime, Ann threatened to leave Tom if he didn't end things with Susan. When Tom told Susan this, she told Tom that Ann couldn't really love him that much if she was threatening to leave and she was the one who really loved Tom, not Ann.

Two weeks later, Ann ended the relationship with Tom. He was surprised that he missed her as much as he did, even when he was with Susan. He tried to get Ann back, but she refused to see him or take his calls.

Susan was thrilled that Ann was out of the picture because she thought that now she would have Tom all to herself. But once Tom was no longer in a "love triangle" with Ann and Susan, he began to feel very uneasy. He didn't want to spend all of his time with Susan. It frightened him and he felt it was "too intense." So, when he met Linda, he began dating her without telling Susan--until Susan found out and she left him.

Tom's relationships continued in this way until he was in his 30s and he began to feel that his life was empty. He continued to create "love triangles" without fully understanding why. By the time his next relationship with a woman named Amy ended, he felt despondent and exhausted. He loved Amy more than any other woman that he had ever loved and his feelings frightened him more than ever, which lead him to engage in his usual pattern--to cheat on her as a way to distract himself from his scary feelings.

After Amy left him, Tom realized that he couldn't continue to live his life this way, and he began psychotherapy. His psychotherapist helped Tom to understand the connection between the triangular relationship he had with his father and mother and the "love triangles" that he formed in his romantic relationships. He realized that he had a lot of hard work to do in therapy to overcome his fear of intimacy so he could have a healthy relationship.

Over time, Tom was able to confront his fear of intimacy. He entered into a relationship with Betty and, whenever he felt tempted to act out by going outside their relationship, rather than act out impulsively, he talked about it with his therapist and avoided the impulse to act out. He also worked through the effects of his dysfunctional relationship with his parents.

As the above fictionalized account illustrates, people who create "love triangles" in their relationships often (although not always) grew up in families were there was triangulation. When they become adults, triangulating seems normal and natural to them and, not only will they do this in their romantic relationships, but they often create these triangles in their friendships, pitting one friend against another.

Triangles in families and in romantic relationships usually give the person at the head of the triangle (like Tom) the sense of power. Triangulation also serves as a defense against feeling alone and vulnerable. It usually creates havoc in families and romantic relationships and is detrimental to all involved.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are aware that you tend to create triangles in your family or your romantic relationships, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help. 

Rather than continuing in destructive patterns that are damaging to yourself and to those you care about, with professional help from a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in this area, you can learn how to function in healthy and loving ways in your relationships.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples overcome the detrimental effects of triangulation so that they can have more satisfying relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me

Are You Too Afraid of the Emotional Pain of Leaving an Unhappy Relationship?

For many people in unhappy relationships, the thought of dealing with the pain of a breakup seems overwhelming. As a result, many people remain in unhappy relationships because they're too afraid of what they anticipate will be unrelenting emotional pain. This fear often causes them to rationalize that "the devil that I know is better than the devil that I don't know" so rather than considering that they could find happiness with someone else in the future, they remain emotionally paralyzed in relationships that, from an emotional perspective, have really ended a long time ago.

Are You Too Afraid to Leave an Unhappy Relationship?

Fear of Leaving the Relationship
Of course, every relationship has its ups and downs, and you're not always going to be happy every moment of your relationship. 

Many relationships go through rough patches that can be worked out with time and effort. For many of these relationships, if the issues can't be worked out within the couple, they can be worked out in couples or marriage counseling.

But I'm not referring to relationships with average problems that can be worked through. I'm referring to relationships where either one or both people really know that it's over, but they're too afraid to leave and face an unknown future. Aside from being too afraid to deal what they anticipate will be overwhelming emotional pain, these people fear that they won't meet anyone else and they'll be alone and lonely for the rest of their lives.

Often, when people have remained in unhappy relationships for a while, they begin to lose their sense of self confidence. They might feel unattractive or socially inept and that no one else could be interested in them.

When people remain in relationships that have ended in all but name only, they often feel resentment towards their partners as well as towards themselves for feeling so stuck. This only makes their problems worse.

Infidelity Before Ending the Relationship
Some people begin to search for other potential partners before they end their current relationship because they're so fearful of being alone. Adding infidelity to these problems is a sure recipe for disaster.

Getting Help in Therapy
Rather than suffering alone and remaining stuck indefinitely in an unhappy relationship that you know in your heart is over, you could seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in this area. 

A licensed psychotherapist, who has helped others to overcome this problem, can help you to overcome your fear and ambivalence so that you can make a decision to either stay or go rather than remaining paralyzed with fear. 

A licensed psychotherapist can also help you to navigate through the emotional upheaval of the breakup. With professional help, you can learn to cope with the crisis and, eventually, to thrive in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York. City psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many individuals and couples overcome problems in their relationships, including dealing with the emotional upheaval of a breakup.

I have found that, in many cases, clients discover that the emotional fallout of a breakup, while painful, is not always as unbearable as many people anticipate, and being able to make a decision without paralyzing fear can be freeing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  Relationships: Should You Stay or Should You Go

Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice

In my last article, I wrote about the core self in relation to Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems' model Internal Family Systems - Self Leadership. I focused on the "exile parts," which are parts of ourselves that contain trauma, emotional pain, and shame. I also mentioned the core self, which is that deep, central, internal place where we know intuitively and compassionately what's best for us. Another way of describing the core self is with the metaphor of the "inner voice."

What is Your Inner Voice?
The inner voice (or core self) is like an internal wise guide who helps us navigate through life. Some people talk about it in terms of having "a hunch" or "a sense" or "a gut reaction." 

Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice

It's a felt sense and when you feel it, it feels right to you. When you're trying to make a decision and you sense your inner voice guiding you, that internal guidance resonates intuitively with you.

Discovering or Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice:
There are many people who struggle to discover or reclaim the power of the inner voice.

I believe that your inner voice is never totally lost. I believe that it remains there to be discovered or reclaimed, even under the worst of circumstances.

Certain situations, like early trauma or an oppressive relationship, can often squelch the inner voice so that you're hardly aware of it or, in extreme cases, not aware of it at all. Under these circumstances, the inner voice is often suppressed so that it feels like it's no longer available. Sometimes, a person who is so burdened by emotional problems might forget his or her inner voice exists.

Reclaiming the Power of the Inner Voice through Creativity and Psychotherapy:
Many years ago, I met a woman in my neighborhood through a local civic group. I'll call her Betty (not her real name). In recent years, after she reclaimed the power of her inner voice, Betty has been very open with many people about her story, including telling her story at many public readings, so I'm not divulging anything here without her permission.

Back then, when I was first getting to know Betty through our work, I discovered that I enjoyed her company. We began to talk about creative writing, which I had recently resumed at that point. I shared some of my short stories with her and she showed me stories that she had written many years before. I thought her writing was quite good and I told her this. I was also curious why she had stopped writing. She said that she often felt an urge to resume her writing, but she didn't.

One evening, after our civic group meeting, I went to Betty's house to have dinner. She introduced me to her husband, Ben (not his real name) who greeted me warmly and welcomed me to their home. He was so kind and charming towards me that I was completely taken by surprise when I saw how he treated Betty during our dinner. Whenever Betty said anything, Ben interrupted her by either talking over her, contradicting her or criticizing what she said. The first time that it happened, I felt mildly annoyed. But as it continued to happen, it was all that I could do to contain myself in this awkward situation.

I could see that Betty was deeply affected by Ben's oppressive behavior. Her whole demeanor changed: her eyes were downcast, she lowered her head, and she began slumping in her chair. It was a painful transformation to watch. I was really just getting to know Betty, and this was not a side of her that I had seen before. Although I felt an inclination to defend her, I really wanted her to take a stand on her own and defend herself but, unfortunately, she didn't. The more that Ben interrupted, contradicted and criticized her, the more she caved in emotionally and physically.

As you can imagine, dinner felt like it went on forever. When it was finally over, Ben pushed his dishes in Betty's direction, pushed his chair back and excused himself while he went out to the back porch to smoke a cigar. I had the feeling that he had never washed a dish in that household during the 25 years that they had been together. When he left the room, I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief. It was as if, until then, he had sucked the air out of the room.

As I helped Betty put the dishes in the dishwasher, I struggled with what to say to her. At that point, she wasn't someone that I knew well, so I didn't feel like I could talk to her as a close friend about such a personal topic as her relationship with her husband, so I didn't say anything.

Sensing what I was thinking, Betty said to me, "You mustn't mind Ben. He doesn't mean any harm." Before I could respond, she quickly changed the subject and showed me around the house. When we went upstairs, we came to the door of a room that she described, almost apologetically, as her art studio. She started walking past the door, when I told her that, if she didn't mind, I'd like to see some of her art work. Betty seemed surprised that I was interested and she was very dismissive of her art, telling me that she was never very good at it and she hadn't done any work in a long time.

With a fair amount of hesitation, Betty opened the door and I was surprised and delighted to find beautiful paintings--portraits and landscapes. The colors and shapes were bold and full of life. There was such a contrast between the bold expressions in her art work and her demure behavior around her husband that I was shocked. Then, Betty told me that she had gradually given up her painting as well as her writing a few years after she got married. She said she had very little time at that point between taking care of the children when they were younger and taking care of her husband, so she gave it up. None of the paintings were hung up--they were just stacked against the walls in the room, left like forgotten orphans in that room.

When I praised Betty's work, she blushed, as if I was giving praise to her about someone else's work. She was so uncomfortable that she wanted to get out of that room as quickly as she could.

Over the next several months, Betty and I spent more time together. I encouraged her to start writing again, which she did, and we met once a week to share our stories. She had very little confidence at first, but as she continued to write, very gradually, her confidence started to grow a little. Her writing skills were really very good.

Betty also took my suggestion and hung some of her pictures in her studio. Although she was still very self critical about her work, when she hung up those pictures, along with resuming her creative writing, it was an important early step in helping her to reclaim the power of her inner voice.

Then, one day, Betty confided in me that she began psychotherapy. She knew that I would obviously be very supportive, which is one of the reasons why she told me. Fortunately, she chose a therapist who understood the importance of Betty's creativity and encouraged her to use her art as well as their psychotherapy sessions to reclaim her power. She also began working through very traumatic childhood issues.

Several months later, Betty felt confident enough to begin painting again. At first, she was very tentative and apologetic about her work but, over time, she became more confident. As she became more confident through her creative work and in her therapy, Betty began finding her inner voice and standing up to her husband. 

She had learned to tap into the power of her inner voice, and she was no longer intimidated by him. This completely changed the dynamic of their relationship, which was very uncomfortable for Ben. For the next several months, he tried his usual tactics to bully and intimidate her, but it didn't work. When she couldn't stand his behavior any more and he refused to go to marriage counseling, she knew that it was over, and she told him that she wanted a divorce.

Several months after their divorce, Betty met another man who was more of a kindred spirit to her than Ben ever was, they moved in together, and she has been very happy with him. During that time, she continued to use her art work and psychotherapy sessions to work through her family of origin issues as well as the aftermath of her marriage. She also shared her emotional journey with others through her prose and poetry.

Reclaiming the Power of Your Own Inner Voice:
You don't have to be a painter or a creative writer to use your creativity to reclaim the power of your inner voice. We are all creative beings--it's just a matter of tapping into our creativity. Journaling can be a powerful way to reclaim and strengthen your creativity and your inner voice.

Many people like the idea of writing, but they feel self conscious or lack confidence in themselves to even know where to begin. I often recommend to friends and clients alike that if they don't know how or where to start, they can read Julie Cameron's book called The Artist's Way. She gives wonderful exercises, including writing "morning pages" to help get the cobwebs out of your mind and get you started. I read The Artists Way more than15 years ago, and I found it inspiring in terms of developing my own creativity.

What If Working on Your Own is Not Enough to Reclaim Your Inner Voice?
Whenever I've wanted to develop my creativity or make major changes in my life, I've often found it very helpful to join like minded people. 

For instance, before I became a psychotherapist and I was trying to decide on a career change, I joined a support group called "Making Changes in Our Lives." Each of us was trying to develop in some area of our lives and the support and ideas in the group were very helpful. Most people were trying to redefine their careers, but some people were also contemplating relocating, having a baby, and other important life decisions.

When you're in a group with other like minded people who are also trying to make positive changes in their lives, you often find that what you can accomplish in that group is so much more than you can accomplish on your own, especially if there's synergy in the group.

But not everyone likes groups and not everyone has access to this kind of support group. So, either in addition to or instead of the support group, you might find it very helpful to work with a psychotherapist who can help you to reclaim your creativity and the power of your inner voice.

Whether you do the exercises in Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way, join a support group, begin psychotherapy, hire a coach, or do all of the above, it's important to take action and not allow yourself to stagnate. People are often surprised how taking one positive often leads to other positive steps in reclaiming their power.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.

I have helped many clients to reclaim their inner power to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  "Parts" Work: Is an "Exile" Running Your Life?

Why Do Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely?

This article will focus on the topic of when clients leave psychotherapy treatment prematurely. Of course, there are times when the time is right to leave psychotherapy. One reason could be because you've met your treatment goals, discussed ending treatment with your therapist, and you both agree that it's time for you to end treatment. 

Another reason could be that you know that the psychotherapist that you're seeing is not the right therapist for you. It's not a good match, and you're sure that this is the reason and you're not leaving treatment for one of the reasons that I've outlined below. But ending psychotherapy treatment is a topic for another article.

When Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely

Why Do Clients Leave Psychotherapy Treatment Prematurely?

Clients Leave Psychotherapy Treatment Prematurely Because They Feel Annoyed About Something Their Therapist Said:
It's not unusual for there to be ruptures in psychotherapy treatment. After all, a therapeutic relationship is like many other types of relationships between two people. There are bound to be misunderstandings at times. A client might misunderstand something that the therapist has said. A therapist, being human, might not always be perfectly attuned to a client and might say something the represents an empathic failure. But rather than leaving treatment prematurely without saying something about it to the therapist, unless what has been said is egregious, it's much more valuable for a client to talk to the therapist about it at the next session.

Why is it worthwhile to tell your therapist if she has said something that hurt or annoyed you? Well, for many people, growing up in families of origin where they didn't have a chance to express themselves, it's an opportunity to be heard in a way that they've never been heard before. So, it can be a very empowering experience to assert yourself in this way. Also, often, after a rupture has been worked out in psychotherapy treatment, the treatment advances further than it might have without it.

Clients Leave Psychotherapy Treatment Prematurely Because They Feel "Stuck" in the Treatment Process:
When you begin psychotherapy, you're in the initial phase of treatment. During this phase, you and your therapist are getting to know each other. If you're new to therapy, you're also learning what it means to be a psychotherapy client and how the process works.

As I've mentioned in prior articles, some clients come to therapy expecting a "quick fix." Even when they come to treatment with complicated, multi-layered problems, they expect that their problems will be resolved in a few sessions. While there are certain problems that lend themselves to brief treatment, many problems do not. So, if you're feeling "stuck" early on in treatment, it might be that you're feeling impatient with the beginning phase of treatment.

It might also be that your treatment has reached an impasse because of some obstacle in the treatment either with you or with the therapist or between the two of you. But, before you leave treatment prematurely, it's best to talk to your therapist about how you're feeling. 

Then, not only are you able to express your feelings, but you can also find out how your therapist assesses the treatment at that point. Maybe the two of you need to change how you're working. Maybe there needs to be adjunctive treatment for a while with a second therapist. 

This is often the case with trauma, where regular talk therapy isn't enough and you might need to work briefly with a second therapist who does EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) or clinical hypnosis. Whatever the reason, it's a good idea for you and your therapist to have a check-in talk with each other every once in a while to evaluate the treatment.

Clients Leave Psychotherapy Treatment Prematurely Due to Financial Reasons:
It's not surprising that many clients have to think carefully about whether they can afford to attend psychotherapy, especially because it's getting harder and harder to find psychotherapists on managed care panels, and many people are now paying for their therapy out of pocket. But rather than leaving prematurely, if you're having financial problems, it's best to let your therapist know.

Many therapists work on a sliding scale basis and your therapist might be able to reduce your fee. Your therapist can also help you to look at your money issues. Money can be a complicated subject. Often, clients will say they can't afford to be in treatment when there are really other underlying issues. At times, it's easier to look at a concrete issue like money than to look at your fear of being in treatment. Other times, it might be a matter of looking at your priorities. 

Are you spending $10-20 a day on cigarettes? If you stopped smoking, not only would you have money for therapy, but you would also preserve your health. Are you spending money on other frivolous purchases as a way to momentarily boost your mood? If so, maybe that's something that you need to look at with your therapist.

Clients Leave Psychotherapy Treatment Prematurely Because They Become Fearful When Therapy Starts to Delve into Core Issues:
Compared to the other issues that I've discussed so far in this article, this is the most complicated issue. Why is it so complicated? Well, first, when clients become fearful of talking about core issues, they often don't realize that this is what's going on. 

It might be completely unconscious for them. They might think that they want to leave for other reasons that are really unrelated to what's really going on with them. 

This is often the time when clients might say that they can't afford to come to treatment any more or they don't have time any more. While these might be issues, it's always worthwhile for you and your therapist to explore if what's really operating is that you've gotten to a point in therapy where you're dealing with deeper, core issues and this is frightening you.

You might wonder how this could happen. After all, you might say, "Don't people come into psychotherapy treatment to work on these issues?" While it's true that clients start psychotherapy because they want to work on a problem and they're often motivated at the beginning of treatment, it's also true that many clients get frightened when the therapy actually starts to delve into the very issues that they came to work on. This is very common in psychotherapy.

Sometimes, clients take a "flight into health," meaning that they tell themselves and their therapists that they're feeling better now (when they're really not) and that they don't need therapy any more. This is a common reaction. When this happens, the challenge is to stick it out in therapy and to be willing to explore this with your therapist.

It might not be obvious to you that this is what's happening. But, often, if you step back and you're able to detach yourself from your fear of addressing your core issues, you and your therapist can work through this treatment impasse. Are you really feeling better or are you in denial and telling yourself this because you're too frightened to deal with core issues?

Maybe it means that the two of you need to address your fear of delving into the problem before you actually delve directly into your core issues. Maybe the two of you need to take a different tact in treatment or change treatment strategies. Whatever is needed in this situation, it's better to talk to your therapist rather than leaving treatment prematurely.

Since this is one of the most complicated issues as to why clients leave treatment prematurely, it's worthwhile to look at a composite vignette. As always this vignette does not refer to a particular client, but represents many clients who have this problem in common.

Alan:
Alan began psychotherapy because he had problems making a commitment in his relationship. He knew that this was a life long problem for him. Whenever he got close to a woman that he was seeing, he got frightened and left the relationship, even if he cared about his girlfriend very much.

A year prior to Alan starting psychotherapy, Alan began dating Paula. According to Alan, the first few months were great. But as the relationship started to get more serious and Paula wanted more of a commitment from Alan, Alan began to feel that old familiar fear again. He began giving himself all kinds of reasons why the relationship with Paula wouldn't work out in the long run. He never talked to Paula about what he was feeling, but he felt a mounting panic whenever she talked about the possibility of their moving in together.

Alan really loved Paula, and he didn't want to ruin their relationship because of his fears, so he came to therapy. During the first few months of therapy, Alan learned ways to cope with his panic so that he didn't act on it and end his relationship with Paula due to his fear. At that point, Alan actually enjoyed therapy. But when his therapist began exploring Alan's childhood issues in a highly dysfunctional family, Alan began thinking about leaving treatment.

Even though Alan knew that his life long relationship issues were related to his feeling abandoned as a child, when it came time to deal with this issue in treatment, he became frightened. At that point, he began cancelling therapy sessions or coming to his therapy sessions late so that there wasn't enough time to delve into these issues. He didn't realize that this is what he was doing. He always thought that his cancellations and latenesses were legitimate and unrelated to his feelings about what he and his therapists were talking about.

When his therapist spoke to him about his cancellations and latenesses as it related to what they were working on, Alan couldn't see the connection at first. He couldn't see that he was sabotaging his own treatment. So that, with so many cancellations and short sessions, the therapeutic work began to stall, and Alan and his therapist reached an impasse in treatment.

In order to have good treatment, clients need to come to their sessions on a regular basis. When a client misses too many sessions or comes to sessions late, the client can bring about the treatment impasse. A skilled therapist can point this out to a client, but if a client is unable or unwilling to see this, the client can end up sabotaging the treatment--often in the same way that he or she sabotages personal relationships.

While this was happening, Alan thought about leaving his therapist a voicemail message or sending an email that he thought treatment wasn't working and he was leaving. But Paula convinced him that this wasn't the way to end a therapeutic relationship and it would be better to talk to his therapist in person.

So, reluctantly, Alan came into his next session and told his therapist that he wanted to leave treatment. His therapist was able to reflect back to Alan just how anxious he had become once they began talking about his childhood. She also told him that this was not unusual.

When Alan heard this, he was able to relax a little and think back as to when he began cancelling sessions and coming in late. He realized that it coincided with talking about when his mother disappeared from the family household. His mother left when Alan was four, and Alan never saw her again. No one knew of her whereabouts. His father tried to manage as best as he could but, with five children, his father was often overwhelmed, he began drinking excessively, and Alan often felt alone.

When Alan got older, he thought of himself as being "independent" and "not needing anyone." But it was clear to his therapist that this was a pseudo independence. It was a defense against opening up his heart and getting hurt again. Alan had never recognized this before. When his therapist discussed this with him, it resonated with him, and he felt it to be true. He also knew that this was a breakthrough for him in his therapy. So, he decided to stick it out in treatment and not to run because of his fear. Whenever he felt the urge to flee from treatment, he talked about it with his therapist and each time he gained new insights into himself.

He also realized that when he felt fearful in therapy and he was tempted to leave, he was going through a parallel process in his therapy that was similar to how he felt in his relationship with Paula. In addition, he realized that his issues were complicated and treatment would not be brief.

Over time, as Alan continued to explore his childhood issues, he continued to gain new insights into why getting close to Paula was frightening for him. Rather than fleeing from his relationship with Paula or fleeing from his therapist, he learned to stay in these relationships and to manage his anxiety while he worked through his problems.

If You're Thinking About Leaving Treatment, Talk to Your Psychotherapist in Person:
Many clients feel too uncomfortable about talking to their therapists in person about leaving treatment. They will often leave a voicemail message or send an email. But when clients leave treatment in this way, they are short changing themselves and the treatment process (see my article: How to Talk to Your Therapist If Something is Bothering You About Your Therapy).

It's worthwhile to remember that the therapeutic relationship between a client and a therapist is still a relationship, albeit a professional relationship. You owe it to yourself and the treatment to talk to your therapist in person if you want to leave treatment or you're thinking about it.

Clients who leave voicemail messages or send emails to end treatment often regret it afterwards. Even if there are legitimate reasons to leave treatment, they've had no closure to the relationship. And it's not surprising that these same clients do similar things in their personal relationships by avoiding direct communication with people in their lives when there are unpleasant or uncomfortable things to talk about.

I hope this article has been helpful to you or someone that you know who might be thinking about leaving psychotherapy treatment prematurely. There are many other reasons why clients leave treatment prematurely, but the issues that I've discussed above tend to be the most common reasons.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Also, see article:  Returning to Therapy

How to Reduce Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

In my prior psychotherapy blog posts I've discussed codependency in terms of the relationship between the person who has a substance abuse problem and the spouse or partner who does not. This is the classic example of codependency.

Reducing Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

As I've mentioned in those prior posts, the term codependency originated in the substance abuse field, however, the use of the term codependency has since expanded to include other relationships where there is no alcohol or drug addicted behavior. In this psychotherapy blog post, I would like to discuss the topic of overcoming excessive emotional reactivity to achieve emotional balance. Even if you're not in a codependent relationship, you might benefit from reading this post to learn how to be less emotionally reactive in your relationship.

Codependent Relationships:
Now that we recognize that codependency can exist in any relationship and there need not be alcohol, drugs, gambling or other addictive behavior involved, we have learned to expand our definition of codependency and recognize these dynamics in many different types of relationships. I will confine myself in this post to romantic relationships, but it is understood that codependency can exist in many different types of relationships.

As I've mentioned in my prior psychotherapy blog posts, when I discuss codependency, I'm not talking about relationships where there is normal dependency--like taking care of an elderly parent, a young child or someone who is disabled. I'm specifically addressing relationships where both people are mature and able-bodied, but one or both people are overly dependent on the other person in an unhealthy way.

In codependent relationships, one or both people usually over function for the other person in certain ways, often, in an effort not to deal with their own emotional issues. So that if one person is overly focused on the other person and overcompensating for that person, he has taken the focus off himself and his own issues. Often, what looks like purely altruistic behavior is also a defense to avoid dealing with his or her own problems ("I'm not the one with the problems--it's him"). In prior posts, I've given composite examples of codependent dynamics in relationships, so I won't repeat them here.

Why do People Become Overreactive in Codependent Relationships?
Often, people who are emotionally reactive haven't learned how to control their emotions. So that when things don't go their way or when old problems persist, they often become emotionally overreactive and have a great deal of difficulty maintaining their composure. 

They might lash out by losing their temper, act out by cheating on their partner, get even by overspending or running up a credit card, cry uncontrollably to make their partners feel guilty, make threats, or engage in other dramatic displays of behavior. Aside from the fact that they're having problems managing their emotions, often, this emotional reactivity is meant to control the other person's behavior. And, while it might work in the moment, it's usually ineffective in the long run.

Detaching with Love:
Al-Anon is a 12 Step program for loved ones who are in relationships with people who have alcohol problems or who suffer with other addictive behavior. There is a concept in the Al-Anon literature called "detaching with love." I think this is one of the most misunderstood Al-Anon concepts that often confuses people and it's worth spending a little time defining what this means and how it can be put to good practice in almost any relationship (whether there is addictive behavior involved or not).

The concept of "detaching with love" addresses the emotional reactivity that is often involved in many relationships. I think this idea is often misunderstood because people who are highly reactive often feel that it means that they have to be cold, cruel, hard or they don't care about their partners. They might also feel that if they "detach with love," it means that they're not allowed to feel their feelings. However, this is a big misconception.

When we talk about "detaching with love,"we're really talking about still caring and loving your partner, but maintaining your emotional equilibrium when there's a problem between the two of you. It means that when there's an argument or tension in the relationship, you're able to step back, take the time to calm down (and, possibly, take a break, if needed) before reacting emotionally. It doesn't mean that you don't feel your feelings or that you're not entitled to your feelings. Rather, it means that you stop, calm yourself and think before you react emotionally.

Why is it Important to Overcome Emotional Reactivity?
Often, when people feel angry with their partners, their first instinct is to lash out in anger, especially if it involves an ongoing problem, whether we're talking about addictive behavior, jealousy or other problems. However, even if you get a sense of immediate gratification from lashing out emotionally, it quickly dissipates because your behavior usually makes the situation worse.

When you react emotionally, without stopping to think and calm yourself first, you say or do the first thing that comes to your mind. This is an impulsive gesture, which often leads to regret. Often, as soon do you say or do whatever has come to your mind, you feel badly about it. But, by then, the words are out and they cannot be taken back. That often leads the argument or problem to be taken into other unintended directions. At the very least, it doesn't solve the problem. Worse still, being overly reactive usually becomes habitual, which means the more you do it, the more likely you are to continue to do it.

Recognizing the Physical and Emotional Cues as a First Step to Becoming Less Reactive and to Develop Emotional Equilibrium
If you've grown up in a family where there was a high degree of emotional reactivity, being highly reactive might seem normal to you. But you have only to look at the results that it produces in your relationship (and the history in your family) and how you feel afterwards to realize that being highly reactive is not serving you or your relationship well.

Learning to develop emotional equilibrium takes time, practice and a good deal of patience, but it's worth the effort. The first step is to become aware of the feelings and physical cues within yourself that proceed your emotional reactivity. For some people, this might include certain physical reactions like clenched fists, tension in your stomach or other parts of the body, a strong feeling of energy surging through your body, feeling flushed, hands trembling, feeling lightheaded, feeling like you're going to explode, and other similar reactions. You might also notice your thoughts going in a certain volatile direction ("I hate him," "She's so stupid," "Why is he doing this to me?" etc).

When I discuss this with clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC during the early stage of therapy, many clients will often tell me that there are no prior warnings or cues for them that they're about to lose their temper or overreact emotionally. However, I usually respond to them by saying that that there are, in fact, warning signals--they just haven't learned to recognize them yet. We know this because we recognize that there is a connection between the mind and the body, meaning that your thoughts and physical sensations are connected. Learning to recognize the warning signals or cues to emotional reactivity requires that you slow down. You might be justified in feeling angry or upset, but your anger doesn't entitle you to lose your temper or say or do things that you'll regret later.

Stress Management:
In order to learn to slow down, you need to find other ways to reduce your stress. Everyone is different, so each person must find his or her own way to handle stress, whether that means learning to meditate, taking a yoga class, going for regular walks, remembering to breath deeply, counting to 10, playing with your pet, talking to close friends, praying, attending an Al-Anon meeting, or whatever other healthy activity you decide to do to reduce your stress and level of frustration. If you're managing your daily stress so that it doesn't build up and spill over, you're less likely to lose your temper or overreact emotionally.

Once you're engaging in healthy stress management activities, you can learn to slow yourself down so that you begin to see and feel the cues that precede an overreaction. Once you recognize those cues, then you can make a deliberate choice as to how you want to handle the situation instead of being at the mercy of your emotions.

Learning to Separate Your Feelings about Your Partner's Behavior from How You Feel About Your Partner:
Once you've calmed down enough to gain some perspective, you might recognize that you still love your spouse or partner, but you don't like his or her behavior. That's an important distinction. Not liking his or her behavior is different from not liking your partner.

Ultimately, you might decide that the relationship isn't working and you might leave. However, you will have gone through the decision making process in a more emotionally balanced way rather than reacting impulsively. Breakups that occur on an impulse often bring the people back to Square One. They often feel that there was something important missing when they broke up, that they made the decision without thinking, and then they reconcile. But, often, nothing changes in the relationship. So, they are left with the same problem that they started with, and the cycle continues: anger, breakup, reconciliation, anger, and so on.

When you "detach with love" from your partner, you are stepping back emotionally to take a breath, calm yourself, and get some perspective on the situation. You're also taking care of yourself during this time because you recognize that becoming emotionally overwrought on a regular basis has physical and emotional consequences for you, your partner and also your children, if there are children involved.

Learning to be Less Emotionally Reactive Can be Difficult:
Learning to be less reactive and develop emotional equilibrium can be very challenging. Even after you've begun to make progress in developing more emotional balance in your life, it's not unusual for there to be lapses into old behavior. 

If being emotionally reactive has been a lifelong pattern, it's understandable that you might have some lapses in the process. (Of course, when I talk about lapses that are understandable, I'm not referring to domestic violence. If your anger leads to physical violence, you need immediate help to deal with your problems with anger management and, in the meantime, that might mean that you and your partner separate so that you're both safe.)

If you recognize that you've reverted to old behavior, rather than giving up, be compassionate with yourself and recommit to maintaining emotional balance. When you think about it, you might realize that you've stopped doing the things that helped you to stay emotionally balanced in the first place. It's easy to become complacent, especially after you've had a certain amount of success. So, re-establish the routines or healthy behaviors that helped you and begin again.

What to Do if You're Unable to Reduce Your Emotional Reactivity
If you've tried the suggestions that I've outlined above (including attending Al-Anon if you are in a relationship with an person addicted to alcohol or drugs) and you find that you're still unable to achieve emotional equilibrium, you might benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise with codependent relationships.

About Me
I am a psychotherapist in NYC who has helped many individuals and couples to become less emotionally reactive so that they can develop emotional balance in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.