Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings

Overspending as a way to ward off uncomfortable feelings, like anxiety or depression, can quickly lead to being over your head in debt, which can result in increased anxiety and depression.  

Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings

Overspending Can Become a Vicious Cycle With No End in Sight
Many people get caught in a vicious cycle of increased depressive or anxiety-related symptoms and increased overspending and debt, and they don't know how to get out.

Overspending and the Dopamine Rush

It's not just a matter of avoiding uncomfortable emotions. There's also a dopamine rush.  And the dopamine rush from indulging in overspending can be similar to the rush that people get with other impulse control disorder experiences, including drug abuse, sex addiction and gambling.  The dopamine rush itself is a powerful reinforcer for this cycle.

The problem with the dopamine rush is that it's short lived, so you have to spend again to get the next "hit."  This can fuel an endless cycle of overspending to ward off uncomfortable feelings, increased uncomfortable feelings and then increased overspending, and so on.

You Don't Have to Be in Serious Debt to Have a Problem With Overspending
You don't have to be thousands of dollars in debt to have a problem.  Just like the person who has a problem with alcohol, problems with overspending usually starts small and then become increasingly worse.

Ask yourself:
"Do I tend to go shopping or engage in other excessive spending when I'm anxious, depressed, angry or experiencing other uncomfortable feelings?

If you're honest with yourself and you detect a pattern, you'll admit to yourself that you have a problem and take steps to overcome this problem.

What Can You Do to Stop Overspending?

Acknowledge You Have a Problem
The first step to overcoming the problem of overspending, like any impulse control problem, is to admit that you have a problem.

Until you admit you have a problem, you're not going to be motivated to change.

Be Aware That Denial Can Be a Powerful Defense Against Admitting You Have a Problem
Denial can be very powerful, even when people are in serious debt.  Even after people realize they have a problem, they will often bargain with themselves by telling themselves things like, "This will be the last time I'll go on a spending spree."

Increase Your Awareness of Your Overspending Habits: What's Your Pattern of Overspending?
Admitting that you have a problem is the first step.  The next step is to increase your awareness of your particular pattern.

Everyone has a particular pattern of overspending, so you'll need to pay extra close attention to discover  your pattern.

Keep a Journal
I recommend keeping a journal.

Initially, until you can stop overspending, you might be writing about your spending habits after you've engaged in overspending.  The goal is to, eventually, get the point where you've become so aware of your overspending habits that you catch yourself before you give into the impulse to overspend.

You can set up your journal in whatever way works best for you.  One way that I recommend is to track what uncomfortable emotions came up and under what circumstances so that you can see what triggers the overspending (see details given below in the scenario about Ann):

Keep a Budget
People who overspend often have little to no awareness on how they spend their money.  Part of this lack of awareness is that the overspending is compartmentalized in their mind to keep themselves from feeling the discomfort of how serious their problem really is, which is a form of denial.

When you keep a budget by writing down how much to spend on each category and then track and write down what you actually spent, it can be a real eye opener.   And this can be the beginning of getting out of denial.

Attend Debtors Anonymous
Debtors Anonymous is a 12 Step program that helps people who have problems with overspending.  People who attend Debtors Anonymous meetings provide each other with mutual support.  If you go to the link above, you can find more information about this program and a meeting that is located near you.

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of how someone who was able to get help for her overspending problem:

Ann
When Ann first came to see me, she was in serious debt.  She came in because she and her husband were having marital problems because of her overspending.

Initially, Ann didn't think she had a problem with overspending.  She came because she was afraid that all the arguing between her and her husband would lead to a divorce, and she didn't want to lose her husband.  But she made no connection between their arguments and her spending habits.  She felt her husband was overreacting.

Denial was very powerful for Ann.  And, initially, when I asked Ann about her debt, her thinking became fuzzy so she couldn't remember how much in debt she was or the specific information about who she owed money to, etc.

So, I asked Ann to bring in her bills and credit card statements.  This was emotionally painful for Ann because, without realizing it, she was doing everything possible to avoid allowing herself to see how big a problem she had.  She also felt very ashamed.

With the information in hand, we were able to see that she was close to $100,000 in debt, which was shocking to Ann.  It's not that she didn't know this on some level but, until now, she kept herself from allowing this information from really sinking in emotionally.  And, as you would expect, the anxiety of allowing the information to sink made her feel like she wanted to go out and make an impulsive purchase to ward off her anxiety.

So, we worked on helping Ann to develop better coping skills because she was using the rush of overspending to ward off anxiety.  A big part of her developing coping skills, aside from getting more physical exercise and learning to meditate, was keeping a journal to track the triggers to her overspending.

Based on my recommendation on how to set up her journal to understand her pattern of overspending, Ann set up her journal with the following four columns:

• Date and Time
• The Trigger (or Precipitating Event):  What Was Going on at the Time?
• What Emotion Goes With the Trigger?
• How Did I Overspend?

Then, she wrote a narrative about how she felt about this incident of overspending.

When she first began writing in her journal, Ann was writing about the event after the fact most of the time because she was still struggling with her impulse to overspend.

Developing an awareness before she gave into her impulse was very challenging at first.

But even after she was more aware and she realized that she was about to give into the impulse, she would bargain with herself by telling herself that "this would be the last time."  Unfortunately, there were many so-called "last times" before she could get to the point where she could catch herself before she gave into the impulse.

Eventually, Ann was able to write in her journal when she got the urge to overspend and she learned not to give in most of the time.

The challenge after that was for Ann to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that were at the start of her impulsive cycles of overspending, and we did this in her therapy.

Learning to Cope: Developing the Capacity to Tolerate Uncomfortable Feelings
Since the impulse to ward off uncomfortable feelings is usually at the beginning of the cycle of overspending, developing an ability to identify them and the capacity to tolerate uncomfortable feelings is an important part of the work in therapy.

During the course of a lifetime, everyone experiences loss, small trauma and, for many people, big trauma.  If, for whatever reason, you never developed the capacity to tolerate uncomfortable feelings, you can be at risk for engaging in impulsive behavior.  And if you're already engaging in impulsive behavior, it's harder to stop until you develop this capacity.

Getting Help
Along with attending Debtors Anonymous, many people have been helped by working with a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in helping people who have problems with overspending, especially when they're attempting to deal with their emotional triggers.

If you have problems with overspending, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help.  Avoiding the problem will only result in the problem getting worse since, like most impulse control problems, problems with overspending is progressive and gets worse over time.

Getting help from a licensed therapist can help you to lead a more satisfying and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome their impulsive habits, including overspending, so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Being Dishonest About the Financial Aspects of Your Relationship

In general, money is a big issue in many relationships.  For many couples personal finances are a point of contention when they either don't agree about financial issues or one or both of them is lying or keeping secrets about money.  In addition, money is often symbolic of power and it can become part of a power struggle in a relationship (see my article: Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married or Enter Into a Committed Relationship).

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

A January 2022 survey by US News & World Report revealed that as many as one in three couples in the US are dealing with financial infidelity.  Other surveys indicate that it's a growing problem in relationships. 

Of the couples who were dealing with financial infidelity, 76% said it had a negative impact on their relationship and 10% indicated that it led to a divorce (see my articles: Talk to Your Spouse About Money and Are You Arguing About Money in Your Relationship?).

What is Financial Infidelity?

Since it's such a big problem, let's start by defining what financial infidelity means:  Financial infidelity occurs when one or both partners in a relationship, who have some form of combined income, engage in financial behavior they know their partners would disapprove of and they lie or keep it a secret (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Financial infidelity includes, but is not limited to the following activities:

• Hiding debts, including credit card debt, loans, gambling debts and so on
• Hiding purchases of big gifts for friends, relatives, extramarital affairs or others
• Making other big purchases without letting a partner know
• Lying about how money was spent
• Lending large sums of money to friends, relatives or others without letting a partner know (see my article: Are Your Relatives Financial Problems Affecting Your Relationship?)
• Engaging in secret shopping
• Overspending as a maladaptive way to cope with emotional issues and keeping it a secret (see my article: Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Cope With Discomfort).
• Gambling in secret (casinos, card games, lottery tickets, etc)
• Keeping secret bank, credit card or payment accounts 
• Engaging in secret discretionary purchases (vacations, spas, clothing, jewelry and other expenses)

Why Do People Engage in Financial Infidelity?

Talking about money can feel uncomfortable or shameful.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

In addition, many people who enter into a relationship where they are combining income (or a certain portion of income) never talk about money beforehand.  

There are many reasons why people engage in financial infidelity, including:

• An Attempt to Maintain Autonomy:  Many people use money, consciously or unconsciously, as an attempt to maintain a sense of autonomy and reassert power in a  relationship.  They might not have learned how to be part of a couple and also be an individual at the same time so committing financial infidelity gives them a sense of independence (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

• An Attempt to Avoid a Confrontation: This is the most common reason for financial infidelity. It often occurs because people don't know how to talk about these issues or they fear confrontation in general (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Avoidance).

• A Sense of Shame About Money: Many people grew up in households or in cultures where talking about money is considered shameful.  There might also have been secrets and lies about money (see my article: Toxic Family Secrets).  Many others feel so ashamed of their debt or expenses that they don't want their partners to find out about it.  If they are hiding debt, they might rationalize to themselves that they will repay the money before their partners find out about it (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

Signs of Financial Infidelity

• Unexplained large withdrawals from joint accounts
• The discovery of a secret bank or credit card account
• The discovery of a secret payment account, like Venmo or Paypal
• Larger than normal cash withdrawals
• Checks made out to cash
• Other unexplained expenditures

Vignettes 

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed, are common examples of financial infidelity that bring people into couples therapy:

Patty and Ed:

Six months after they got married, Patty found out that Ed was over his head in credit card debt when they were exploring the possibility of getting a mortgage and Patty obtained credit reports.  The credit reports revealed Ed's $20,000 debt, which he had never disclosed to Patty before they got married--even though they had attended pre-marital counseling which included discussions about personal finances.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

She wondered if there were other things he was hiding from her.  Ed said he knew she would discover the debt at some point, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her because he felt so ashamed of it.  Patty felt so betrayed that she asked Ed to move out while she thought about whether she wanted to remain in their marriage.  A week later, Patty agreed to allow Ed to move back in but only on the condition they attend couples therapy to deal with this breach of trust.  In their couples therapy sessions, Ed realized he tended to overspend as a way to boost his low sense of self worth.  Since they got married, he stopped overspending, but he was still struggling with low self confidence.  Over time, as they worked on their issues in couples therapy, Patty forgave Ed for not disclosing his debt before they got married.  They worked on the underlying issues in couples therapy as well as rebuilding trust.  Ed also started individual therapy to deal with low self esteem.  In addition, they sought help from a financial advisor so they could get their finances in order.

Alice and Bill: 

Alice and Bill were married for five years.  When they first got married, they decided to keep whatever money they had before the marriage separate and open a joint bank account for saving and big purchases.  Other than that, they didn't have a discussion about money before they got married.  One day when Alice was going through the mail, she inadvertently opened a letter addressed to Bill from a debt collection agency and she was shocked to read that Bill had a $5,000 debt which he never revealed to her.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

Later that night, Alice and Bill got into an argument about the debt.  At first, Bill was angry that Alice opened his mail--even though he knew it was a mistake.  By the next day, he admitted he had other financial accounts he never revealed to Alice because having these accounts gave him a sense of independence.  Soon after that, Alice and Bill entered into couples therapy to talk about the underlying issues in their relationship that led to this financial infidelity and they were able to work through these issues.  They also sought help from a financial advisor.

Bob and Tom:

Two years after they got married, Bob discovered an email addressed to Tom from a payment account that revealed $2,000 was transferred from their joint checking account to an unknown vendor.  When Bob confronted Tom about this expense, at first, Tom said he had never authorized this expenditure and it was a mistake.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

But when Bob asked Tom to contact the bank in front of him about this error, Tom balked.  Then, he admitted he was trying to hide that he was using a male escort service.  He thought he could replace the money before Bob noticed it was missing from their account.  He also knew Bob didn't check their accounts regularly.  When he heard Tom's explanation, Bob couldn't understand this because they had a consensual nonmonogamous relationship.  Their agreement was they could have sex with other people as long as they each knew about the other's sex partners and they didn't form emotional ties with these other individuals. They were both aware of the other people they each had sexual relationships with and it had never been a problem before.  Tom admitted that, in addition to the individuals he met up with at bars, which Bob knew about, he also had secret visits to see sex workers because it excited him to have this secret. Over time, he felt guilty about it, but then he felt too ashamed to tell Bob about it.  He said he was working on this issue in his individual therapy, but it was still a problem for him.  Two week later, Bob and Tom entered into couples therapy to work on the breach in their consensual nonmonogamous agreement and the financial infidelity.

Jane and Lilly:

Three years after they moved in together and they combined their finances, Jane happened to see a text flash on Lilly's phone while Lilly was in the shower.  The text was from Lilly's younger sister, Nina.  Jane was shocked to see the text from Nina, which was pleading for more money.  Lilly had never revealed to Jane that she was lending Nina money.  So, when Lilly came into their bedroom after her shower, she was caught off guard when Jane confronted her about the text. 

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

After stonewalling for an hour, Lilly admitted she lent Nina $3,000 from Jane and Nina's joint account because Nina was heavily in debt. Lilly said she felt too uncomfortable to tell Jane about it.  She admitted she knew that Jane never looked at the bank statements and she hoped to replace the money before Jane found out.  Jane was outraged. She knew Lilly had a hard time setting boundaries with Nina, but she considered this breach of trust to be serious enough to insist they attend couples therapy to deal with it as well as other underlying issues that led to this problem.  Over time, their relationship improved while they were attending couples therapy, and Lilly learned to set limits with her sister.

How to Avoid Financial Infidelity

• Talk About Finances Before Getting Married or Entering Into a Committed Relationship Where You Will Be Combining Income:  The best way to avoid financial infidelity is to come clean about finances before you enter into a serious relationship.  Although it might feel uncomfortable at first, you will avoid problems later on (as shown in the vignettes above).

• Reveal All Finances to Your Partner: Whether you decide to combine all or part of your finances, reveal all aspects of your finances to your partner.  All accounts should be open and accessible and financial transactions should be transparent to both people.  In addition, have regular discussions about money.

• Seek Help in Therapy to Deal with the Underlying Emotional Issues: Whether you are hiding aspects of your finances or you are tempted to do so, deal with the underlying issues in individual or couples therapy.  Shame is a major underlying issue when it comes to money, which can be complicated by a family history of financial secrecy or discomfort with talking about money.  Fear of confrontation is also the most common issue with regard to financial infidelity.  It can be difficult to own up to this problem, but dealing it with early in your relationship can avoid bigger problems in the future (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to deal with the underlying issues that contribute to financial infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Falling In Love With the Fantasy Rather Than the Reality

Many people who get into a relationship make the mistake of falling in love with what they see as the other person's potential rather than accepting the person as s/he actually is.  In my professional experience as a psychotherapist, this is especially true of women--although men also fall into this trap.  So, I'm going to address this issue from the woman's perspective, but it applies to everyone. This issue often brings people into therapy, which can help to identify the underlying issues and resolve the problem (see my article: The Problem With Trying to Change and "Improve" Your Partner and Are You In Love With Him or Your Fantasy of Him?).

Relationships: Falling In Love With the Fantasy of His "Potential" Rather Than the Reality of Who He  Is

It's not that people don't change.  Make no mistake--many people do change. As a psychotherapist, I see this every day.  People come to therapy with a desire to make positive changes, work hard in therapy and gradually make those changes over time.   Most of the time, those changes have a positive impact in their personal life as well as the lives of those who are near and dear to them.

The problem arises when the woman becomes so fixated on what she sees as his potential and her codependent need to change her partner that she loses sight of the fact that time is passing and he's not changing (see my article: Relationships: Overcoming the Need to Rescue Your Loved Ones as Part of a Codependent Pattern).

For many women, it's as if the fantasy of what they want materializes before their eyes and rather than seeing the person in front of them, they almost see their partner as being already transformed.

This often creates problems in the relationship.  Even when the man is in agreement with the changes that the woman wants to see, he's aware that, on some level, he's not "measuring up" to the woman's standards or that he's "falling short" in some way.

It's even worse when the man doesn't want to change.  He might want to please his partner, but if he doesn't see the need to change, he will often feel that his partner doesn't think he's good enough so it makes him feel insecure.

Whether the man wants to change or not, the constant reminder from the partner that he's not where she thinks he should be is often a source of conflict and destroys many relationships.

People often show who they are when they're in a relationship.  As the late Maya Angelou wisely said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

If time has passed and he either can't or won't change, it's up to his partner to decide if she can accept him as he is or if she needs to let him go (see my article: Letting Go of Hope That's Based on Denial).

Letting go of someone you love can be excruciating, but it's usually better than remaining in a fantasy or making futile attempts to force change on someone (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Often the problem with focusing on the fantasy rather than the reality is rooted in early childhood trauma, which can be resolved in trauma therapy (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences From the Past).

Fictionalized Vignette:  Falling In Love With the Fantasy Rather Than the Reality of Who He Actually Is:
The following fictionalized vignette is a common example of how someone can get stuck in this fantasy trap and how working in trauma therapy can help:

Sara
Two years into her relationship with Jack, Sara felt deeply unhappy, angry and frustrated with the state of Jack's financial affairs.

A year into their relationship, Jack moved into Sara's apartment.  This only made matters worse because Sara was able to see first hand the full extent of Jack's impulsive spending problems.  They were arguing almost every day about what she called his "irresponsible" and "immature" behavior when it came to managing his money.

She told her psychotherapist that Jack never tried to hide that he was heavily in debt, he wasn't making progress in resolving his problem, and that he refused to get help:

"I tried to do everything to help him change," Sara told her therapist during their first session, "I encouraged him to attend Debtor's Anonymous meetings.  I've begged him to go to therapy.  I helped him to develop a budget that he never follows.  I even lent him money to pay off his credit cards, but he continues to max out his credit cards, and he hasn't paid me back.  His parents have also bailed him out numerous times.  He's a great guy in every other way and I can see how he could make a great husband and father--if only he would change his impulsive spending habits. We're both in our mid-30s and we've talked about getting married and having children.  I don't want to wait too long or I might not be able to have kids.  But I can't marry him while he's so irresponsible.  I don't know what else I can do, and I'm afraid he's feeling more ashamed and angry every time I complain."

When her psychotherapist asked Sara what she wanted to accomplish in therapy, Sara said that she wanted to learn to be "more patient" with Jack rather than scolding him.  She feared that if she couldn't be more patient with him, their relationship would soon end, and she knew she would be "devastated" if that happened.

The therapist could see that Sara was very focused on "fixing" Jack rather than dealing with her own unhappiness in the relationship.  It was obvious that, despite everything that she had seen, Sara was still looking at Jack through a distorted fantasy lens rather than the actual person who was before her eyes.  She felt her dilemma was that she couldn't change him nor could she accept him as he was.

As they continued to explore this issue in the therapy sessions, Sara's therapist tried to help Sara to imagine what it might be like if they had a crystal ball and they could see that Jack would continue to refuse to get help and that he would never change.

At first, Sara resisted trying to imagine their relationship with no change in Jack.  She continued to hold onto the image of the "potential Jack" rather than the "actual Jack."  She said she couldn't  understand how he could be so wonderful in every other way and yet he remained stuck with regard to his impulsive spending.

But, as time went on, Sara began to gradually focus on her own feelings rather than focusing on Jack.  She considered the possibility that Jack might not change, and this was a painful process for her.  She still felt ambivalent about completely accepting this possibility.

Then, one day Sara came into her therapy session looking more dejected than usual.  She told her therapist that she and Jack had a huge argument after she found out that he spent his half of the money they were saving for a mortgage down payment frivolously--he bought a race horse.

Not only did he not consult her before he bought the horse, but he felt justified in doing it.  He told her that he saw it as an investment and he couldn't understand why she was so upset.

Going through this painful argument was what finally got Sara to let go of her denial and see Jack clearly as he was rather than as she wanted him to be.  She knew she couldn't accept him as he was and, initially, she blamed him for ruining their lives when it became obvious to her that she had to end the relationship.

Over time, with the help of her psychotherapist, Sara was able to see her part the problems.  She saw that she had been holding onto an unrealistic fantasy about Jack.  She also gained insight into the connection between her early wish to change her father, who destroyed her family with his impulsive spending, and her wish to change Jack.  She accepted that she couldn't change her father or Jack.

Using EMDR  (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy, a form of trauma therapy, helped Sara to heal her past and current emotional wounds so she could move on with her life (see my articles: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Conclusion
Focusing on a fantasized potential (rather than the actuality of who he is) is a trap.  It keeps people stuck in a future fantasy of "what could be" rather than "what is" and "what won't change."

This perception is damaging to both partners individually and together in the relationship.

From a superficial perspective, it might be hard to understand why someone would remain frozen in this position, the dilemma becomes clearer when viewed from the perspective of the impact of early trauma.

Trauma therapy, like EMDR, can help someone who is stuck in this dilemma to overcome the current situation as well as the earlier trauma that is triggering it.

Getting Help in Therapy
If this article resonates with you, rather than remaining stuck, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to understand your dilemma, make connections with your past and heal current and past trauma so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with adult individuals.

I also work with couples using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married or Enter Into a Committed Relationship

If you're about to get married, you might be very busy now taking care of last minute preparations, rewriting your vows, and confirming the honeymoon plans. Maybe you're daydreaming about the wedding and how wonderful it will be to spend the rest of your life with your beloved. But before you say "I do," walk down the aisle hand in hand, and step into the next phase of your life together, there's something very important that you need to do--make sure you talk about money before you get married.

Talk to Your Fiance About Money Before You Get Married

I can't emphasize enough how important this is. Talking about money might not be the most romantic topic to discuss with your soon to be spouse, but in the long run, it can save both of you a lot of headaches in the future.

I realize that talking about money can be uncomfortable. However, as a marriage counselor, I can tell you that one of the biggest problems that bring couples (married or not) into marriage/couples counseling is that they're arguing about money. That doesn't mean that it's too late and they can't learn to reconcile their differences about money but, for most of them, it would have been so much easier if they had sat down and talked about money before they got married.

So what do you talk about and how do you do it?
You and your partner should sit down in a quiet place where you have privacy and share your views about money as well as any debt or other problems you're having with money.

Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married

Don't assume that you're both on the same page about money because you might be very wrong about this. You'll probably need to have more than just one talk to cover a variety of topics. Here are some tips:

What's important to you each of you?

• Do you want children? If so, how many?
• If you have children, will you both continue to work or will one of you stay home?
• Do you want to buy a house in the future?
• Do you want to relocate?
• Do you love living in the city but your partner wants to live in the suburbs?
• Are you a saver and your partner is a spender?
• How will you manage your money? Separately? Together? Keep whatever you had before you got married and set up a third account for expenses?
• What about credit cards? Joint accounts? Separate accounts?
• What about debt that you incurred before the marriage? Will you work on paying it off together or separately?
• How will you handle the fact that one of you earns a lot more than the other? Will you divide expenses down the middle or will each of you pay a percentage of your income? Will each of you assume different expenses?
• What if one of you expects to get an inheritance? How do you handle that? Will that money belong to him/her or will you share it as a couple?
• What about property that you own before the wedding?
• Do you need a prenuptial agreement?

A word about your current debt
Don't try to hide it until after the wedding. This will only anger your partner (justifiably so) and lead to mistrust between you.

Talk to Your Fiance About Money Before You Get Married:  Talk About Debt

Don't think that you'll pay it off quietly (somehow) and he or she does not need to know about it. Be honest and open about your debt. It's all going to come out after you're married anyway, so you might as well get it out into the open now.

What if you find out that your partner has a poor credit history or that he or she has been irresponsible about debt?
Does this mean that you have to cancel the wedding and you can never be together? Well, no, not necessarily.

Talk to Your Fiance About Money Before You Get Married:  What About Poor  Credit?

It depends. Finding out that your partner was irresponsible with credit cards when he was a student and is now doing the right thing by paying them off is very different from finding out that he has a serious gambling problem and he's in denial about it.

Only you can decide what you can live with and what you can't. However, it's also important not to fool yourself into thinking that these problems will go away after you're married because, chances are, they won't.

What if your partner is too uncomfortable to talk about money?
It's understandable that you and your soon to be spouse might feel uncomfortable talking about your personal finances.

Talking about our own money in our society is still a taboo subject and it's true that many people would more readily talk about sex than reveal how much money they earn. So, a certain amount of discomfort is normal. Be patient with one another. You don't need to talk about all the topics at once. Usually, as you begin to have these discussions, it becomes a little easier.

What if your partner refuses to talk about money?
If you're patient and give your partner a chance to get comfortable but he or she adamantly refuses to talk about money or becomes verbally abusive about it, that's a big red flag and it should give you pause.

A partner who refuses to talk about money or who becomes critical of you for wanting to talk about money has issues that you should be concerned about. If it's hard now, it's going to be even harder after you get married.

There may be reasons why your partner is too uncomfortable to talk about money: Maybe it brings up old family issues. Maybe his or her family never talked about money and it was considered a taboo topic to discuss. Maybe it brings up other insecurities. It's better to find this out now. At least, whatever you decide about your future together, you'll be doing it with your eyes open.

Getting Help in Therapy
You and your partner might need professional help to sort these issues out now before they become even bigger issues after you're married. I've helped many couples to work out these issues satisfactorily so that they can go on to have good, stable marriages together.

I am a NYC psychotherapist and couples counselor. To find out more about me, you can visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapis

Call me at (917) 742-2624 to set up a consultation or email me.

See my article:  Talk to Your Spouse About Money

Relationships: Arguing About Money

In my prior blog post, I discussed sexual incompatibility as being one of the major reasons why couples come to marriage or couples counseling (see link below). In this blog post, I'll focus on one of the other major reasons why couples seek help--arguments about money.

Money is often symbolic of power. Whoever has or makes more money in a relationship is often seen as the more powerful person in the relationship, and this can lead to arguments.

Relationships: Arguing About Money

Similarly, differing values about money between a couple in a relationship can also lead to arguments and, at times, irreconcilable differences.

What Are the Different Problems that a Couple Can Have About Money?

The Saver vs the Spender:
It's not unusual in a relationship for there to be one person who prefers to save money and another person who would rather save money. When this is the particular dynamic in a relationship, there are bound to be differences of opinion and, often heated arguments, about what to purchase, when to make purchases, when to save, and, in general, how to manage the money.

Combining Each Person's Money vs Having a Separate Pot of Money:
Couples often differ as to whether they should pool the money that they had before they got together or if they should each keep what they had and create a separate pot of money to pay bills, make major purchases, etc.

For the person who prefers to combine their individual financial accounts, he or she might feel that the other person doesn't trust him/her enough to combine assets or lacks faith in the relationship.

The person who wants to keep their individual accounts separate and create a separate pot for expenses might have gotten burnt in prior relationships by pooling all the money together. With combined finances, it's not unusual for there to be problems if the couple separates. Of course, no one wants to enter into a relationship thinking that things might not work out, although this is a reality for many couples.

What to Do About Prior Debt:
Related to the above, if one person in the relationship enters the relationship with excessive debt, the couple needs to make decisions about how to handle that debt. Are they going to work on reducing the debt together or is the person with the debt going to take care of it on his or her own? If the couple can't negotiate their differences around this issue, it can become a major issue between them leading to frequent arguments.

Secrecy About Money:
I've seen many couples where one or both people keep secrets about money. For some people, it's a matter of withholding information about debt or how much money or assets they have or other related issues. Often, when there's secrecy about money, there are often other issues related to secrecy. If one of the people in the relationship finds out that his/her partner has been keeping secrets about money, it often engenders feelings of anger, betrayal and lack of trust.

Money as Power and Control:
As previously mentioned, when there is a difference in assets or earning power within a relationship, this can create arguments around power and control. The person who earns more money might feel that this gives him/her the right to greater control over their money and other major decisions. If the other person in the relationship doesn't agree and they can't negotiate this, this issue can lead to big arguments.

Money as a Cover Up for Other Problems in the Relationship:
Sometmes, it's really not about the money per se. The couple might be arguing about money because it's a concrete and tangible issue, but the real issue might be about other feelings. For instance, if one of the people in the relationship feels that there is a power differential in the relationship (let's say that one person makes most of the decisions that effect the relationship), the person who feels less powerful can use money as a handy issue to argue about when it might not be about the money (although it could be).

Using Money as a Way to Get Revenge:
When there are problems in a relationship, sometimes one of the people "acts out" by running up credit cards or overspending in some way to get back at his or her partner. This is an issue that I'll address in a separate post. However, it's easy to see how this could create arguments and, in some cases, end a relationship.

In most of these cases, there is often poor communication in the relationship and/or fundamental value differences about money and other important issues.

As I mentioned in a prior blog post, it's always better to talk about money before getting married or entering into a committed relationship. It often saves a lot of heartache if a couple can either negotiate these issues beforehand or, prior to making a major commitment, find out that they're just not compatible with regard to money and they're unable to negotiate these issues. But many people neglect talking about money until they're already in a relationship and it becomes a major problem.

If you and your partner or spouse are arguing about money, before this problem sabotages your relationship, get help. This is a common problem that can often be worked out with professional help.

Aside from the possibility of consulting with a financial planner who can help you with the "technical" nuts and bolts regarding money issues, consulting with a marriage or couples counselor can help you to navigate the emotional rough waters related to money problems.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples to work out the emotional issues around money so that they can stop arguing about money and enjoy their relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.