Relationships: Being Dishonest About the Financial Aspects of Your Relationship

In general, money is a big issue in many relationships.  For many couples personal finances are a point of contention when they either don't agree about financial issues or one or both of them is lying or keeping secrets about money.  In addition, money is often symbolic of power and it can become part of a power struggle in a relationship (see my article: Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married or Enter Into a Committed Relationship).

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

A January 2022 survey by US News & World Report revealed that as many as one in three couples in the US are dealing with financial infidelity.  Other surveys indicate that it's a growing problem in relationships. 

Of the couples who were dealing with financial infidelity, 76% said it had a negative impact on their relationship and 10% indicated that it led to a divorce (see my articles: Talk to Your Spouse About Money and Are You Arguing About Money in Your Relationship?).

What is Financial Infidelity?

Since it's such a big problem, let's start by defining what financial infidelity means:  Financial infidelity occurs when one or both partners in a relationship, who have some form of combined income, engage in financial behavior they know their partners would disapprove of and they lie or keep it a secret (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Financial infidelity includes, but is not limited to the following activities:

• Hiding debts, including credit card debt, loans, gambling debts and so on
• Hiding purchases of big gifts for friends, relatives, extramarital affairs or others
• Making other big purchases without letting a partner know
• Lying about how money was spent
• Lending large sums of money to friends, relatives or others without letting a partner know (see my article: Are Your Relatives Financial Problems Affecting Your Relationship?)
• Engaging in secret shopping
• Overspending as a maladaptive way to cope with emotional issues and keeping it a secret (see my article: Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Cope With Discomfort).
• Gambling in secret (casinos, card games, lottery tickets, etc)
• Keeping secret bank, credit card or payment accounts 
• Engaging in secret discretionary purchases (vacations, spas, clothing, jewelry and other expenses)

Why Do People Engage in Financial Infidelity?

Talking about money can feel uncomfortable or shameful.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

In addition, many people who enter into a relationship where they are combining income (or a certain portion of income) never talk about money beforehand.  

There are many reasons why people engage in financial infidelity, including:

• An Attempt to Maintain Autonomy:  Many people use money, consciously or unconsciously, as an attempt to maintain a sense of autonomy and reassert power in a  relationship.  They might not have learned how to be part of a couple and also be an individual at the same time so committing financial infidelity gives them a sense of independence (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

• An Attempt to Avoid a Confrontation: This is the most common reason for financial infidelity. It often occurs because people don't know how to talk about these issues or they fear confrontation in general (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Avoidance).

• A Sense of Shame About Money: Many people grew up in households or in cultures where talking about money is considered shameful.  There might also have been secrets and lies about money (see my article: Toxic Family Secrets).  Many others feel so ashamed of their debt or expenses that they don't want their partners to find out about it.  If they are hiding debt, they might rationalize to themselves that they will repay the money before their partners find out about it (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

Signs of Financial Infidelity

• Unexplained large withdrawals from joint accounts
• The discovery of a secret bank or credit card account
• The discovery of a secret payment account, like Venmo or Paypal
• Larger than normal cash withdrawals
• Checks made out to cash
• Other unexplained expenditures

Vignettes 

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed, are common examples of financial infidelity that bring people into couples therapy:

Patty and Ed:

Six months after they got married, Patty found out that Ed was over his head in credit card debt when they were exploring the possibility of getting a mortgage and Patty obtained credit reports.  The credit reports revealed Ed's $20,000 debt, which he had never disclosed to Patty before they got married--even though they had attended pre-marital counseling which included discussions about personal finances.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

She wondered if there were other things he was hiding from her.  Ed said he knew she would discover the debt at some point, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her because he felt so ashamed of it.  Patty felt so betrayed that she asked Ed to move out while she thought about whether she wanted to remain in their marriage.  A week later, Patty agreed to allow Ed to move back in but only on the condition they attend couples therapy to deal with this breach of trust.  In their couples therapy sessions, Ed realized he tended to overspend as a way to boost his low sense of self worth.  Since they got married, he stopped overspending, but he was still struggling with low self confidence.  Over time, as they worked on their issues in couples therapy, Patty forgave Ed for not disclosing his debt before they got married.  They worked on the underlying issues in couples therapy as well as rebuilding trust.  Ed also started individual therapy to deal with low self esteem.  In addition, they sought help from a financial advisor so they could get their finances in order.

Alice and Bill: 

Alice and Bill were married for five years.  When they first got married, they decided to keep whatever money they had before the marriage separate and open a joint bank account for saving and big purchases.  Other than that, they didn't have a discussion about money before they got married.  One day when Alice was going through the mail, she inadvertently opened a letter addressed to Bill from a debt collection agency and she was shocked to read that Bill had a $5,000 debt which he never revealed to her.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

Later that night, Alice and Bill got into an argument about the debt.  At first, Bill was angry that Alice opened his mail--even though he knew it was a mistake.  By the next day, he admitted he had other financial accounts he never revealed to Alice because having these accounts gave him a sense of independence.  Soon after that, Alice and Bill entered into couples therapy to talk about the underlying issues in their relationship that led to this financial infidelity and they were able to work through these issues.  They also sought help from a financial advisor.

Bob and Tom:

Two years after they got married, Bob discovered an email addressed to Tom from a payment account that revealed $2,000 was transferred from their joint checking account to an unknown vendor.  When Bob confronted Tom about this expense, at first, Tom said he had never authorized this expenditure and it was a mistake.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

But when Bob asked Tom to contact the bank in front of him about this error, Tom balked.  Then, he admitted he was trying to hide that he was using a male escort service.  He thought he could replace the money before Bob noticed it was missing from their account.  He also knew Bob didn't check their accounts regularly.  When he heard Tom's explanation, Bob couldn't understand this because they had a consensual nonmonogamous relationship.  Their agreement was they could have sex with other people as long as they each knew about the other's sex partners and they didn't form emotional ties with these other individuals. They were both aware of the other people they each had sexual relationships with and it had never been a problem before.  Tom admitted that, in addition to the individuals he met up with at bars, which Bob knew about, he also had secret visits to see sex workers because it excited him to have this secret. Over time, he felt guilty about it, but then he felt too ashamed to tell Bob about it.  He said he was working on this issue in his individual therapy, but it was still a problem for him.  Two week later, Bob and Tom entered into couples therapy to work on the breach in their consensual nonmonogamous agreement and the financial infidelity.

Jane and Lilly:

Three years after they moved in together and they combined their finances, Jane happened to see a text flash on Lilly's phone while Lilly was in the shower.  The text was from Lilly's younger sister, Nina.  Jane was shocked to see the text from Nina, which was pleading for more money.  Lilly had never revealed to Jane that she was lending Nina money.  So, when Lilly came into their bedroom after her shower, she was caught off guard when Jane confronted her about the text. 

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

After stonewalling for an hour, Lilly admitted she lent Nina $3,000 from Jane and Nina's joint account because Nina was heavily in debt. Lilly said she felt too uncomfortable to tell Jane about it.  She admitted she knew that Jane never looked at the bank statements and she hoped to replace the money before Jane found out.  Jane was outraged. She knew Lilly had a hard time setting boundaries with Nina, but she considered this breach of trust to be serious enough to insist they attend couples therapy to deal with it as well as other underlying issues that led to this problem.  Over time, their relationship improved while they were attending couples therapy, and Lilly learned to set limits with her sister.

How to Avoid Financial Infidelity

• Talk About Finances Before Getting Married or Entering Into a Committed Relationship Where You Will Be Combining Income:  The best way to avoid financial infidelity is to come clean about finances before you enter into a serious relationship.  Although it might feel uncomfortable at first, you will avoid problems later on (as shown in the vignettes above).

• Reveal All Finances to Your Partner: Whether you decide to combine all or part of your finances, reveal all aspects of your finances to your partner.  All accounts should be open and accessible and financial transactions should be transparent to both people.  In addition, have regular discussions about money.

• Seek Help in Therapy to Deal with the Underlying Emotional Issues: Whether you are hiding aspects of your finances or you are tempted to do so, deal with the underlying issues in individual or couples therapy.  Shame is a major underlying issue when it comes to money, which can be complicated by a family history of financial secrecy or discomfort with talking about money.  Fear of confrontation is also the most common issue with regard to financial infidelity.  It can be difficult to own up to this problem, but dealing it with early in your relationship can avoid bigger problems in the future (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to deal with the underlying issues that contribute to financial infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married or Enter Into a Committed Relationship

If you're about to get married, you might be very busy now taking care of last minute preparations, rewriting your vows, and confirming the honeymoon plans. Maybe you're daydreaming about the wedding and how wonderful it will be to spend the rest of your life with your beloved. But before you say "I do," walk down the aisle hand in hand, and step into the next phase of your life together, there's something very important that you need to do--make sure you talk about money before you get married.

Talk to Your Fiance About Money Before You Get Married

I can't emphasize enough how important this is. Talking about money might not be the most romantic topic to discuss with your soon to be spouse, but in the long run, it can save both of you a lot of headaches in the future.

I realize that talking about money can be uncomfortable. However, as a marriage counselor, I can tell you that one of the biggest problems that bring couples (married or not) into marriage/couples counseling is that they're arguing about money. That doesn't mean that it's too late and they can't learn to reconcile their differences about money but, for most of them, it would have been so much easier if they had sat down and talked about money before they got married.

So what do you talk about and how do you do it?
You and your partner should sit down in a quiet place where you have privacy and share your views about money as well as any debt or other problems you're having with money.

Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married

Don't assume that you're both on the same page about money because you might be very wrong about this. You'll probably need to have more than just one talk to cover a variety of topics. Here are some tips:

What's important to you each of you?

• Do you want children? If so, how many?
• If you have children, will you both continue to work or will one of you stay home?
• Do you want to buy a house in the future?
• Do you want to relocate?
• Do you love living in the city but your partner wants to live in the suburbs?
• Are you a saver and your partner is a spender?
• How will you manage your money? Separately? Together? Keep whatever you had before you got married and set up a third account for expenses?
• What about credit cards? Joint accounts? Separate accounts?
• What about debt that you incurred before the marriage? Will you work on paying it off together or separately?
• How will you handle the fact that one of you earns a lot more than the other? Will you divide expenses down the middle or will each of you pay a percentage of your income? Will each of you assume different expenses?
• What if one of you expects to get an inheritance? How do you handle that? Will that money belong to him/her or will you share it as a couple?
• What about property that you own before the wedding?
• Do you need a prenuptial agreement?

A word about your current debt
Don't try to hide it until after the wedding. This will only anger your partner (justifiably so) and lead to mistrust between you.

Talk to Your Fiance About Money Before You Get Married:  Talk About Debt

Don't think that you'll pay it off quietly (somehow) and he or she does not need to know about it. Be honest and open about your debt. It's all going to come out after you're married anyway, so you might as well get it out into the open now.

What if you find out that your partner has a poor credit history or that he or she has been irresponsible about debt?
Does this mean that you have to cancel the wedding and you can never be together? Well, no, not necessarily.

Talk to Your Fiance About Money Before You Get Married:  What About Poor  Credit?

It depends. Finding out that your partner was irresponsible with credit cards when he was a student and is now doing the right thing by paying them off is very different from finding out that he has a serious gambling problem and he's in denial about it.

Only you can decide what you can live with and what you can't. However, it's also important not to fool yourself into thinking that these problems will go away after you're married because, chances are, they won't.

What if your partner is too uncomfortable to talk about money?
It's understandable that you and your soon to be spouse might feel uncomfortable talking about your personal finances.

Talking about our own money in our society is still a taboo subject and it's true that many people would more readily talk about sex than reveal how much money they earn. So, a certain amount of discomfort is normal. Be patient with one another. You don't need to talk about all the topics at once. Usually, as you begin to have these discussions, it becomes a little easier.

What if your partner refuses to talk about money?
If you're patient and give your partner a chance to get comfortable but he or she adamantly refuses to talk about money or becomes verbally abusive about it, that's a big red flag and it should give you pause.

A partner who refuses to talk about money or who becomes critical of you for wanting to talk about money has issues that you should be concerned about. If it's hard now, it's going to be even harder after you get married.

There may be reasons why your partner is too uncomfortable to talk about money: Maybe it brings up old family issues. Maybe his or her family never talked about money and it was considered a taboo topic to discuss. Maybe it brings up other insecurities. It's better to find this out now. At least, whatever you decide about your future together, you'll be doing it with your eyes open.

Getting Help in Therapy
You and your partner might need professional help to sort these issues out now before they become even bigger issues after you're married. I've helped many couples to work out these issues satisfactorily so that they can go on to have good, stable marriages together.

I am a NYC psychotherapist and couples counselor. To find out more about me, you can visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapis

Call me at (917) 742-2624 to set up a consultation or email me.

See my article:  Talk to Your Spouse About Money

How to Talk to Your Spouse About Retirement

Talking to your spouse about retirement can be a stressful conversation or it can be an exciting conversation, depending upon how well you and your spouse communicate.  Many couples avoid having this conversation because they fear it will bring on a confrontation.  I'm often amazed at how many couples (and individuals) completely avoid talking about retirement until it's upon them.

Talking to Your Spouse About Retirement

I usually recommend that couples talk about retirement at least five years or so before they anticipate retiring.  Hopefully, there has been financial planning throughout the marriage.  I'm not a financial planner, so I'm not giving financial advice in this blog.  But I have seen couples get embroiled in arguments about retirement planning, so I'd like to address this issue on an emotional level.

This isn't your grandfather's retirement:
People often avoid talking about retirement because it makes them feel uncomfortable.  They think about their grandparents' retirement and they get anxious because, years ago, people didn't live as long, so they often died soon after they retired.

This was certainly the case for my grandfather, who focused his entire life on two things:  his family and his work at the post office.  Like many people, before he retired, he looked forward to the day when he wouldn't have to go into work any more.  

But, after he retired, he realized that he had a lot of empty time on his hands.  About a year after he retired, he died.  At that time, this wasn't surprising.  It was just the way it was for a lot of people.  But people are living much longer these days--sometimes 20-30 years beyond their retirement, especially if they're in good health.  So, it makes sense to make plans for your retirement.

Tips For Talking About Retirement

• Play with ideas:  If you know that talking about retirement will be a loaded topic, assuming you have enough lead time, I suggest that you approach it initially as "playing" with ideas rather than trying to nail down your plans immediately.  This can take a lot of stress out of it.  It also frees you up to throw out ideas and minimizes either of you becoming reactive.

• Don't be reactive and immediately find reasons to say no: After you've played with some ideas, focus on what you and your spouse agree upon first.   For instance, if you both agree that you'd like to move to a warmer climate, start with that.  Ideally, where would each of you like to go?  Don't get bogged down immediately by finding all kinds of reasons why you can't do it.  If you both have a strong desire to relocate to a particular place, you might find a way to do it with enough planning ahead of time.

• What lifelong dreams have you delayed that you might want to consider now? Are there things that each of you have wanted to do all your life, but you didn't because it wasn't possible at the time?  Talk to each other about what those things might be.  For instance, I knew a friend who had a lifelong career in finance, but he yearned all his life to be a teacher.  He didn't feel he could switch careers when he was in his 40s and 50s because it would have been a substantial decrease in income.  But when he was considering retirement, he and his wife decided that they could finally afford for him to take a job as a teacher because they could afford to live on the lower salary in combination with his retirement savings. Fortunately, he and his wife were on the same page about this.

• See a financial planner: A financial planner, who has expertise in retirement planning can help you and your spouse to plan the practical aspects of your retirement.  Before you see a financial planner, it helps to know what you and your spouse would like to do during your retirement years.  For some people, this might sound like putting the cart before the horse.  They might say, "Shouldn't we figure out how much money we'll have first and then decide what we'll do?" From my perspective, as a psychotherapist and not a financial planner, I would suggest that you both consider your desires for the future first rather than shutting down ideas because you think you won't be able to afford it.  If you look at the money first, you might automatically eliminate some of your dreams as out of hand without considering all of your alternatives.

• Stay open to new ideas: For instance, a couple who have jobs as a carpenter and a schoolteacher might look at their retirement savings and decide that there's no way they can maintain their current home in their neighborhood on the money they have saved, even though they might want to remain in that home.  But automatically eliminating that choice might preclude them from considering other alternatives--like the one of them might be able to start his own business and the other might be able to work part time.  Maybe this is an alternative they can both agree upon rather than closing themselves off to this possibility.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse have problems talking about money or communicating in general, you could benefit from talking to a licensed mental health professional.

Instead of going around in circles, seek help from a psychotherapist who has experience working with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.