What Are Transactional Relationships?

I've written many prior articles about relationships. I've included a list of a few of them at the bottom of this post.  You can also go to my website to find more under the headings of "Relationships" and "EFT Couples Therapy."

Transactional Relationships

In the current article I'm focusing on transactional relationships (see my article: Are You in a Transactional Relationship?).

What Are Transactional Relationships?

Transactional relationships are relationships where each person does things for the other in anticipation of getting something back in return. 

Transactional relationships are usually conditional in the sense that one or both people have expectations of what they want to get in return based on what they are willing to give. Usually if one or both people aren't getting what they want, the relationship ends.

Transactional relationships are based on reciprocity: An expected give-and-take between partners in the relationship. 

In transactional relationships, individuals prioritize what they can get from their partner, including financial support, social status, sex or other personal needs, over genuine emotional connection.  In that sense, these relationships are often superficial and lacking in emotional depth.

What Are Examples of Transactional Relationships?

The following are some examples of highly transactional relationships:

• Marriages of Convenience: These relationships focus on things like a visa, social status, and financial gain rather than love and genuine emotional connection. 

• Transactional Dating: These are dating relationships where one or both people have an expectation of what they will get in the relationship. An example of this would be that a heterosexual man buys a woman dinner and expects sex in exchange or vice versa. There is little to no emotional connection or commitment.

• Friends With Benefits: Most of these relationships focus on the convenience of sex between the partners with little or no expectation of commitment or emotional intimacy (see my article:  What Are the Pros and Cons of Friends With Benefits?).

Transactional Relationships: Friends With Benefits

• Career-Oriented Relationships: These relationships focus primarily on how their partner(s) can help them advance their career rather than focusing on emotional connection.

Transactional Relationships: Sugar Relationships

• Sugar Relationships (also known as Sugar Dating): These relationships usually involve one person being financially successful and supporting another financially or providing other concrete benefits to another person, who is often younger and more attractive, in exchange for sex or companionship. These are often short-term relationships with little to no expectation of commitment or emotional connection.

What Are the Characteristics of Transactional Relationships?

The following are some of the common characteristics of transactional relationships:

• Expectations: Both partners usually understand the expectations involved. For instance, if one person is paying for dinner with the expectation of sex, the other person is usually aware of this and either goes along with it because this is what they want (or need) or they don't necessarily like it, but they go along with it for their own personal reasons--even when they might feel ambivalent about it (see my article: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean Settling).

• Goal Oriented: There is a goal-oriented mindset in these types of relationships. This can involve financial goals, companionship, sex and so on. There is often little to no emotional spontaneity in transactional relationships. This can leave one or both people feeling lonely in the relationship due to the lack of emotional connection (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

Transactional Relationships: Goal-Oriented Relationships

• Limited or No Emotional Depth: Emotional connection isn't usually the focus of transactional romantic relationships--although this doesn't mean there isn't any emotional connection. It just means it's not the primary focus because of the goal-oriented nature of the relationship (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Transactional Relationships: Limited Commitment and Emotional Depth

• Difference in Power Dynamics: There is often a difference in power in these relationships where one person has more power including money, social status or other resources. However, it can be difficult to distinguish who has the power at any given time in certain relationships. For instance, in sugar relationships, even though the younger and more attractive person, who is providing sex or companionship, might appear to have less power, they might actually have more power in certain relationships. They are often the ones who dictate the terms based on their desirability. This is generally true in most transactional relationships. It's not always easy to say who really has the power at any given time especially in transactional relationships and power  dynamics might change (see my article: Are You Giving Away Your Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?).

How Can Couples Therapy Help?

If you and your partner are on the same wavelength in a transactional relationship, you might be satisfied, at least for now, with your relationship. 

But if you're not happy with the relationship dynamics and you are either trying to understand the complex dynamic or you want to change the dynamics, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?).

A skilled couples therapist can help you both to understand the dynamics in your relationship and, if both partners agree, try to make changes so you're both happier.

If there's no possibility of change, an experienced couples therapist can help you to end the relationship with integrity and compassion.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you have been struggling in your relationship, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you with your problem (see my article: What Happens in Couples Therapy?)

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles About Relationships

What If Your Partner Isn't Ready For Couples Therapy?

Dating vs Being in a Relationship

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

Often, along with the joy of the holiday season also comes stress.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

It's not surprising, given all the demands of holiday time, that people often feel emotionally overwhelmed at this time of year.

Shopping, entertaining, and attending holiday parties can take an emotional toll. But with some foresight and planning, you can learn to manage the stress of the holidays and actually enjoy this time of year.

Taking Care of Yourself During the Holidays

Knowing that the holiday season can be a stressful and emotional time and taking some preventive steps can help you from getting overwhelmed.

If you've had losses, like a death of a loved one, a breakup or loved ones are far away, it's normal to feel sad. Throughout the holiday season we're given explicit and implicit messages that we "should" be happy.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

So, if we're having a difficult time, we can feel out of step with the rest of the world at this time. It might seem that everyone else is enjoying the holidays and we're stuck in a funk. But it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they are, whether this means crying or expressing your feelings to a friend or loved one.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays: Taking Care of Yourself 

A Time for Gratitude

If you're alone during the holiday season, you can have a sense of community at a religious or community gathering.

If you're not religious or spiritual, you can volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, hospital or nursing home. Often, when we volunteer to help those less fortunate than ourselves, we not only help others--we also feel a sense of gratitude for what we do have in our lives, even if we're having a difficult time.

If you're fortunate enough to have good friends and family around, remember that the holidays don't have to be perfect.

When we have good memories of the holidays from childhood, sometimes our current experiences can feel flat as compared to those earlier times.

But we must acknowledge that things change. Rather than holding onto unrealistic expectations for the holidays, appreciate the people who are in your life now. Let go of unreasonable expectations of yourself and others. This will go a long way to helping prevent disappointments or misunderstandings.

When it comes to spending for the holidays, many people are scaling back what they would normally spend. If you budget ahead of time and stick to your budget, you'll avoid the stress of big credit card bills after the holidays.

Time well spent with loved ones or a homemade gift is so much more meaningful than exceeding your budget with an expensive gift.

Planning your time well can also help alleviate stress during the holidays. Once again, be realistic about what you can do. It's okay to tactfully say "no" to others when you know you'll be overextending yourself beyond what you can do.

Know Your Limits

It's also important to take breathers during the holiday season. Rather than pushing yourself beyond your physical or emotional limits, take breaks during the day.

A few minutes of mindfulness meditation or just closing your eyes and breathing can make the difference between your getting through the holidays feeling emotionally and physically in tact and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing therapy services in my private practice in Manhattan. I work with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings

Overspending as a way to ward off uncomfortable feelings, like anxiety or depression, can quickly lead to being over your head in debt, which can result in increased anxiety and depression.  

Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings

Overspending Can Become a Vicious Cycle With No End in Sight
Many people get caught in a vicious cycle of increased depressive or anxiety-related symptoms and increased overspending and debt, and they don't know how to get out.

Overspending and the Dopamine Rush

It's not just a matter of avoiding uncomfortable emotions. There's also a dopamine rush.  And the dopamine rush from indulging in overspending can be similar to the rush that people get with other impulse control disorder experiences, including drug abuse, sex addiction and gambling.  The dopamine rush itself is a powerful reinforcer for this cycle.

The problem with the dopamine rush is that it's short lived, so you have to spend again to get the next "hit."  This can fuel an endless cycle of overspending to ward off uncomfortable feelings, increased uncomfortable feelings and then increased overspending, and so on.

You Don't Have to Be in Serious Debt to Have a Problem With Overspending
You don't have to be thousands of dollars in debt to have a problem.  Just like the person who has a problem with alcohol, problems with overspending usually starts small and then become increasingly worse.

Ask yourself:
"Do I tend to go shopping or engage in other excessive spending when I'm anxious, depressed, angry or experiencing other uncomfortable feelings?

If you're honest with yourself and you detect a pattern, you'll admit to yourself that you have a problem and take steps to overcome this problem.

What Can You Do to Stop Overspending?

Acknowledge You Have a Problem
The first step to overcoming the problem of overspending, like any impulse control problem, is to admit that you have a problem.

Until you admit you have a problem, you're not going to be motivated to change.

Be Aware That Denial Can Be a Powerful Defense Against Admitting You Have a Problem
Denial can be very powerful, even when people are in serious debt.  Even after people realize they have a problem, they will often bargain with themselves by telling themselves things like, "This will be the last time I'll go on a spending spree."

Increase Your Awareness of Your Overspending Habits: What's Your Pattern of Overspending?
Admitting that you have a problem is the first step.  The next step is to increase your awareness of your particular pattern.

Everyone has a particular pattern of overspending, so you'll need to pay extra close attention to discover  your pattern.

Keep a Journal
I recommend keeping a journal.

Initially, until you can stop overspending, you might be writing about your spending habits after you've engaged in overspending.  The goal is to, eventually, get the point where you've become so aware of your overspending habits that you catch yourself before you give into the impulse to overspend.

You can set up your journal in whatever way works best for you.  One way that I recommend is to track what uncomfortable emotions came up and under what circumstances so that you can see what triggers the overspending (see details given below in the scenario about Ann):

Keep a Budget
People who overspend often have little to no awareness on how they spend their money.  Part of this lack of awareness is that the overspending is compartmentalized in their mind to keep themselves from feeling the discomfort of how serious their problem really is, which is a form of denial.

When you keep a budget by writing down how much to spend on each category and then track and write down what you actually spent, it can be a real eye opener.   And this can be the beginning of getting out of denial.

Attend Debtors Anonymous
Debtors Anonymous is a 12 Step program that helps people who have problems with overspending.  People who attend Debtors Anonymous meetings provide each other with mutual support.  If you go to the link above, you can find more information about this program and a meeting that is located near you.

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of how someone who was able to get help for her overspending problem:

Ann
When Ann first came to see me, she was in serious debt.  She came in because she and her husband were having marital problems because of her overspending.

Initially, Ann didn't think she had a problem with overspending.  She came because she was afraid that all the arguing between her and her husband would lead to a divorce, and she didn't want to lose her husband.  But she made no connection between their arguments and her spending habits.  She felt her husband was overreacting.

Denial was very powerful for Ann.  And, initially, when I asked Ann about her debt, her thinking became fuzzy so she couldn't remember how much in debt she was or the specific information about who she owed money to, etc.

So, I asked Ann to bring in her bills and credit card statements.  This was emotionally painful for Ann because, without realizing it, she was doing everything possible to avoid allowing herself to see how big a problem she had.  She also felt very ashamed.

With the information in hand, we were able to see that she was close to $100,000 in debt, which was shocking to Ann.  It's not that she didn't know this on some level but, until now, she kept herself from allowing this information from really sinking in emotionally.  And, as you would expect, the anxiety of allowing the information to sink made her feel like she wanted to go out and make an impulsive purchase to ward off her anxiety.

So, we worked on helping Ann to develop better coping skills because she was using the rush of overspending to ward off anxiety.  A big part of her developing coping skills, aside from getting more physical exercise and learning to meditate, was keeping a journal to track the triggers to her overspending.

Based on my recommendation on how to set up her journal to understand her pattern of overspending, Ann set up her journal with the following four columns:

• Date and Time
• The Trigger (or Precipitating Event):  What Was Going on at the Time?
• What Emotion Goes With the Trigger?
• How Did I Overspend?

Then, she wrote a narrative about how she felt about this incident of overspending.

When she first began writing in her journal, Ann was writing about the event after the fact most of the time because she was still struggling with her impulse to overspend.

Developing an awareness before she gave into her impulse was very challenging at first.

But even after she was more aware and she realized that she was about to give into the impulse, she would bargain with herself by telling herself that "this would be the last time."  Unfortunately, there were many so-called "last times" before she could get to the point where she could catch herself before she gave into the impulse.

Eventually, Ann was able to write in her journal when she got the urge to overspend and she learned not to give in most of the time.

The challenge after that was for Ann to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that were at the start of her impulsive cycles of overspending, and we did this in her therapy.

Learning to Cope: Developing the Capacity to Tolerate Uncomfortable Feelings
Since the impulse to ward off uncomfortable feelings is usually at the beginning of the cycle of overspending, developing an ability to identify them and the capacity to tolerate uncomfortable feelings is an important part of the work in therapy.

During the course of a lifetime, everyone experiences loss, small trauma and, for many people, big trauma.  If, for whatever reason, you never developed the capacity to tolerate uncomfortable feelings, you can be at risk for engaging in impulsive behavior.  And if you're already engaging in impulsive behavior, it's harder to stop until you develop this capacity.

Getting Help
Along with attending Debtors Anonymous, many people have been helped by working with a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in helping people who have problems with overspending, especially when they're attempting to deal with their emotional triggers.

If you have problems with overspending, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help.  Avoiding the problem will only result in the problem getting worse since, like most impulse control problems, problems with overspending is progressive and gets worse over time.

Getting help from a licensed therapist can help you to lead a more satisfying and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome their impulsive habits, including overspending, so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Become a Better Partner in Your Relationship

If you're in a long term relationship, it's easy to forget what you need to do to be a good partner.  Even though it might not be your intention, you could stop doing the necessary things to sustain your relationship. 

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

If you're not currently in a relationship but you would like to be in one, developing your relationship skills will help you to find a compatible partner.

Tips on How to Be a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Be Honest: Honesty is a trait that most people mention when asked what they value in a partner.  This means when you meet someone who is a potential partner that you're honest and upfront about what you're looking for so no one feels they are wasting their time. If you're looking to date casually, say so.  If you want to be in a relationship, say that.  Too many people hesitate to say what they really want in the beginning and this causes problems later on.  Honesty can come with tact and empathy for the other person, but it's better to be upfront about your needs.  Once you're in a relationship, take time every so often to talk about how things are going.  By communicating in this way, you get to address small problems before they become big ones (see my article: Be Honest With Your Partner).

• Be Trustworthy and Keep Your Promises: Along with being honest, being trustworthy and keeping your promises is another trait that many people mention when they talk about traits in a partner they want. Have integrity (see my article: Keep Your Promises).

• Be a Good Listener: Many people who are in a relationship are so eager for their chance to be able to say what they want that they don't listen to their partner. If you're unclear about anything your partner is saying, ask for clarification.  

• Practice Responding Instead of Reacting: Relationships take work and can be stressful at times.  Taking a moment or two to respond can keep a disagreement from becoming a big argument (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Practice Self Validation: Being attuned to your own needs is important when you're in a relationship, especially if you have a tendency to put other people's needs ahead of your own.  Although you're in a relationship, you also need to validate yourself as an individual (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

• Grow as an Individual: Many people lose their sense of individuality once they have entered into a relationship.  Rather than becoming fused with your partner, maintain your friendships, interests and explore areas where you want to grow (see my articles: Losing Yourself in a Relationship, Resist the Urge to Merge and Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

• Practice Validating Your Partner: Emotional validation is seeing, understanding, respecting and accepting your partner's emotional experience--even if you don't agee with the content of what they are saying (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill? and How to Use Emotional Validation Skills With Your Partner).

• Spend Quality Time Together: Although it can be difficult to find the time, you and your partner need to spend quality time together--just the two of you (see my articles: Creating Special Times Together in a Relationship and Spending Time Together vs Time Apart).

• Develop an Understanding of Your Attachment Style and How It Affects Your Relationship: (see my articles:  What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

• Express Gratitude to Your Partner: (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Partner).

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Set Relationship Goals (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

• Talk to Your Partner About Sex: Many people don't feel comfortable or don't know how to talk about sex with their partner.  Sex in a relationship can change over time both physically and emotionally, so it's important to know how to talk about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time and What is Good Sex?).

• Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Live Together: Aside from sex, money is another topic that many couples don't feel comfortable talking about. But this is such an important topic that it shouldn't be neglected (see my articles: Talk About Money Before You Get Married or Live Together and Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships).

Conclusion

Whether you're in a long term relationship, just starting a relationship or you want to be in a relationship at some point, developing the necessary skills to be a good partner is important to developing and sustaining your relationship.

Just like you develop any other skill, you can learn to be a better partner.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people didn't grow up in a family where they saw good relationship skills modeled for them.

Whether you attend individual therapy to work on your own issues or couples therapy to deal with relationship issues, you can learn to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you stuck.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop as an individual and as a partner so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships

In general, money is a big issue in many relationships.  For many couples personal finances are a point of contention when they either don't agree about financial issues or one or both of them is lying or keeping secrets about money.  In addition, money is often symbolic of power and it can become part of a power struggle in a relationship (see my article: Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married or Enter Into a Committed Relationship).

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

A January 2022 survey by US News & World Report revealed that as many as one in three couples in the US are dealing with financial infidelity.  Other surveys indicate that it's a growing problem in relationships. 

Of the couples who were dealing with financial infidelity, 76% said it had a negative impact on their relationship and 10% indicated that it led to a divorce (see my articles: Talk to Your Spouse About Money and Are You Arguing About Money in Your Relationship?).

What is Financial Infidelity?

Since it's such a big problem, let's start by defining what financial infidelity means:  Financial infidelity occurs when one or both partners in a relationship, who have some form of combined income, engage in financial behavior they know their partners would disapprove of and they lie or keep it a secret (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Financial infidelity includes, but is not limited to the following activities:

• Hiding debts, including credit card debt, loans, gambling debts and so on
• Hiding purchases of big gifts for friends, relatives, extramarital affairs or others
• Making other big purchases without letting a partner know
• Lying about how money was spent
• Lending large sums of money to friends, relatives or others without letting a partner know (see my article: Are Your Relatives Financial Problems Affecting Your Relationship?)
• Engaging in secret shopping
• Overspending as a maladaptive way to cope with emotional issues and keeping it a secret (see my article: Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Cope With Discomfort).
• Gambling in secret (casinos, card games, lottery tickets, etc)
• Keeping secret bank, credit card or payment accounts 
• Engaging in secret discretionary purchases (vacations, spas, clothing, jewelry and other expenses)

Why Do People Engage in Financial Infidelity?

Talking about money can feel uncomfortable or shameful.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

In addition, many people who enter into a relationship where they are combining income (or a certain portion of income) never talk about money beforehand.  

There are many reasons why people engage in financial infidelity, including:

• An Attempt to Maintain Autonomy:  Many people use money, consciously or unconsciously, as an attempt to maintain a sense of autonomy and reassert power in a  relationship.  They might not have learned how to be part of a couple and also be an individual at the same time so committing financial infidelity gives them a sense of independence (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

• An Attempt to Avoid a Confrontation: This is the most common reason for financial infidelity. It often occurs because people don't know how to talk about these issues or they fear confrontation in general (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Avoidance).

• A Sense of Shame About Money: Many people grew up in households or in cultures where talking about money is considered shameful.  There might also have been secrets and lies about money (see my article: Toxic Family Secrets).  Many others feel so ashamed of their debt or expenses that they don't want their partners to find out about it.  If they are hiding debt, they might rationalize to themselves that they will repay the money before their partners find out about it (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

Signs of Financial Infidelity

• Unexplained large withdrawals from joint accounts
• The discovery of a secret bank or credit card account
• The discovery of a secret payment account, like Venmo or Paypal
• Larger than normal cash withdrawals
• Checks made out to cash
• Other unexplained expenditures

Vignettes 

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed, are common examples of financial infidelity that bring people into couples therapy:

Patty and Ed:

Six months after they got married, Patty found out that Ed was over his head in credit card debt when they were exploring the possibility of getting a mortgage and Patty obtained credit reports.  The credit reports revealed Ed's $20,000 debt, which he had never disclosed to Patty before they got married--even though they had attended pre-marital counseling which included discussions about personal finances.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

She wondered if there were other things he was hiding from her.  Ed said he knew she would discover the debt at some point, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her because he felt so ashamed of it.  Patty felt so betrayed that she asked Ed to move out while she thought about whether she wanted to remain in their marriage.  A week later, Patty agreed to allow Ed to move back in but only on the condition they attend couples therapy to deal with this breach of trust.  In their couples therapy sessions, Ed realized he tended to overspend as a way to boost his low sense of self worth.  Since they got married, he stopped overspending, but he was still struggling with low self confidence.  Over time, as they worked on their issues in couples therapy, Patty forgave Ed for not disclosing his debt before they got married.  They worked on the underlying issues in couples therapy as well as rebuilding trust.  Ed also started individual therapy to deal with low self esteem.  In addition, they sought help from a financial advisor so they could get their finances in order.

Alice and Bill: 

Alice and Bill were married for five years.  When they first got married, they decided to keep whatever money they had before the marriage separate and open a joint bank account for saving and big purchases.  Other than that, they didn't have a discussion about money before they got married.  One day when Alice was going through the mail, she inadvertently opened a letter addressed to Bill from a debt collection agency and she was shocked to read that Bill had a $5,000 debt which he never revealed to her.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

Later that night, Alice and Bill got into an argument about the debt.  At first, Bill was angry that Alice opened his mail--even though he knew it was a mistake.  By the next day, he admitted he had other financial accounts he never revealed to Alice because having these accounts gave him a sense of independence.  Soon after that, Alice and Bill entered into couples therapy to talk about the underlying issues in their relationship that led to this financial infidelity and they were able to work through these issues.  They also sought help from a financial advisor.

Bob and Tom:

Two years after they got married, Bob discovered an email addressed to Tom from a payment account that revealed $2,000 was transferred from their joint checking account to an unknown vendor.  When Bob confronted Tom about this expense, at first, Tom said he had never authorized this expenditure and it was a mistake.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

But when Bob asked Tom to contact the bank in front of him about this error, Tom balked.  Then, he admitted he was trying to hide that he was using a male escort service.  He thought he could replace the money before Bob noticed it was missing from their account.  He also knew Bob didn't check their accounts regularly.  When he heard Tom's explanation, Bob couldn't understand this because they had a consensual nonmonogamous relationship.  Their agreement was they could have sex with other people as long as they each knew about the other's sex partners and they didn't form emotional ties with these other individuals. They were both aware of the other people they each had sexual relationships with and it had never been a problem before.  Tom admitted that, in addition to the individuals he met up with at bars, which Bob knew about, he also had secret visits to see sex workers because it excited him to have this secret. Over time, he felt guilty about it, but then he felt too ashamed to tell Bob about it.  He said he was working on this issue in his individual therapy, but it was still a problem for him.  Two week later, Bob and Tom entered into couples therapy to work on the breach in their consensual nonmonogamous agreement and the financial infidelity.

Jane and Lilly:

Three years after they moved in together and they combined their finances, Jane happened to see a text flash on Lilly's phone while Lilly was in the shower.  The text was from Lilly's younger sister, Nina.  Jane was shocked to see the text from Nina, which was pleading for more money.  Lilly had never revealed to Jane that she was lending Nina money.  So, when Lilly came into their bedroom after her shower, she was caught off guard when Jane confronted her about the text. 

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

After stonewalling for an hour, Lilly admitted she lent Nina $3,000 from Jane and Nina's joint account because Nina was heavily in debt. Lilly said she felt too uncomfortable to tell Jane about it.  She admitted she knew that Jane never looked at the bank statements and she hoped to replace the money before Jane found out.  Jane was outraged. She knew Lilly had a hard time setting boundaries with Nina, but she considered this breach of trust to be serious enough to insist they attend couples therapy to deal with it as well as other underlying issues that led to this problem.  Over time, their relationship improved while they were attending couples therapy, and Lilly learned to set limits with her sister.

How to Avoid Financial Infidelity

• Talk About Finances Before Getting Married or Entering Into a Committed Relationship Where You Will Be Combining Income:  The best way to avoid financial infidelity is to come clean about finances before you enter into a serious relationship.  Although it might feel uncomfortable at first, you will avoid problems later on (as shown in the vignettes above).

• Reveal All Finances to Your Partner: Whether you decide to combine all or part of your finances, reveal all aspects of your finances to your partner.  All accounts should be open and accessible and financial transactions should be transparent to both people.  In addition, have regular discussions about money.

• Seek Help in Therapy to Deal with the Underlying Emotional Issues: Whether you are hiding aspects of your finances or you are tempted to do so, deal with the underlying issues in individual or couples therapy.  Shame is a major underlying issue when it comes to money, which can be complicated by a family history of financial secrecy or discomfort with talking about money.  Fear of confrontation is also the most common issue with regard to financial infidelity.  It can be difficult to own up to this problem, but dealing it with early in your relationship can avoid bigger problems in the future (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to deal with the underlying issues that contribute to financial infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reflecting on What's Important in Your Life During a Crisis

During the current COVID-19 pandemic, when most people have been staying home in isolation, many people have been thinking about their lives and reflecting on what's most important to them (see my articles: A Search For Inner Meaning,  What is Happiness and Where Do You Find It? and Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself).

Reflecting on What's Important in Your Life During a Crisis

The unprecedented nature of the coronavirus pandemic has people reconsidering their lives and their priorities, including:

• Family: 
• People who are fortunate to have good (or good enough) relationships in their family are considering some of these relationships in a new light (see my article: A Happy Family Doesn't Mean a "Perfect" Family).
• Before COVID-19, when people were busy commuting to work and working long hours, family often took a backseat to work.  
• With the potential for getting a life-threatening illness, like the coronavirus, many people are thinking of family relationships as being the #1 priority.  
• There are even some family members who have been out of contact for a long time who are reconnecting and making amends.

• Spirituality and Values: 
• Coping with a crisis often makes people re-evaluate their religion or their spiritual beliefs (see my article: Are You Contemplating Your Faith of Origin in a New Light?).
• Spirituality isn't necessarily a formal religion.  It can be a set of spiritual beliefs and values that are important to the individual.
• Some people, who might not have considered themselves to be spiritual before, are making religion or spirituality more of a priority to help them get through this difficult time (see my article: A Happy Life vs a Meaningful Life).

• Intimate Relationships:
• The current crisis has affected couples who were on the brink of breaking up before the pandemic. 
• For some couples, the crisis affirmed their decision that they want to be happier in their lives and they have decided that they can't be happy with their current partner.
• Other couples are finding it difficult to spend so much time together due to the need to stay home (see my article: Tips on Getting Along as a Couple During the COVID-19 Crisis).
• For other couples, who were having problems, put aside their differences now to focus on getting through the crisis, especially if they have children.
• Many couples have experienced a renewed sense of commitment to their relationship in light of the current emergency.  
• For other couples, the lack of commitment of one partner has caused the other partner, who wants a commitment, to reconsider the relationship (see my article: Are You Dating Someone Who Has a Problem Making a Commitment to Being in a Relationship?).
• Some individuals, who aren't in a relationship, feel lonely during this time of isolation and have made a firmer commitment to meeting someone new.
• Other individuals have reaffirmed their commitment to themselves to remain single because this is their preference.

• Friendships:
• The recognition of the importance of emotional support through friends has been especially important during this crisis (see my article: The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During a Crisis).
• Similar to family relationships, former friends, who were estranged, are reconnecting in some cases.
• An awareness of the importance of kindness has also been an important part for many people of re-evaluating their lives (see my article: The Impact of Kindness During Difficult Times).

• Health:
• Fortunately, for most people, the virus has been mild.  
• For people who are older or who have underlying conditions that make them more vulnerable to developing a more serious reaction to the virus, health considerations have been uppermost in their mind (see my article: How Serious Medical Problems Can Affect How You Feel About Yourself).
• The rate of contagion of the virus is forcing most people to consider their health habits and ways to improve on them.

• Work-Life Balance
• Everyone isn't fortunate enough to re-evaluate their work-life balance.  Some people have no choice but to work three or four jobs just to survive.
• For people who are fortunate to consider their work-life balance, some people are considering how much longer they want to work and whether they would rather spend their time doing other things, like spending more time with family, traveling, spending time on a hobby or living a simpler, quieter life (see my article: Balancing Your Career and Your Personal Life).
• Other people are considering whether they want to remain in their current career or whether they want to transition to something else eventually.  There is a recognition that life is short and putting off what they really want might not be wise (see my article: Navigating Life's Transitions).
• Some people are realizing that they prefer to live life at a slower pace, which might mean making changes in their work, retiring or eventually or moving to a place where the pace is slower (see my article: Midlife Transitions and Preparing Emotionally For Making Major Changes in Your Life).

• Money
• People who have been laid off, furloughed or had their work hours reduced are concerned about money.
• Other people are struggling emotionally because they have been terminated from their jobs, which means a loss of income and a loss of identity (see my article: When Job Loss Means Loss of Identity).
• Many people are re-evaluating their priorities, what they spend money on and how much to save and how much to spend.
• Many people are considering the amount of debt that they carry and they're hoping to be able to develop a plan to get out of debt.
• Many couples have been arguing about money during this time (see my article: Are You and Your Spouse Arguing About Money?).

What Have You Been Reflecting on During This Crisis?
The areas that I've included above is by no means exhaustive.

What have you been thinking about? Is the current crisis causing you to re-evaluate your life?

Getting Help in Therapy
Major crises are often difficult to get through.  But they can also be an opportunity for change (see my article: How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Changes in Your Life).

If you're thinking about how you would like to change your life, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to consider what's most important to you and help you develop strategies for changing your life.

Many psychotherapists, including me, are doing online therapy, which is also known as teletherapy or telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When Your Therapist Isn't Available in Person).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could work with a licensed therapist who has experience helping people to make changes in their life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: Falling In Love With the Fantasy Rather Than the Reality

Many people who get into a relationship make the mistake of falling in love with what they see as the other person's potential rather than accepting the person as s/he actually is.  In my professional experience as a psychotherapist, this is especially true of women--although men also fall into this trap.  So, I'm going to address this issue from the woman's perspective, but it applies to everyone. This issue often brings people into therapy, which can help to identify the underlying issues and resolve the problem (see my article: The Problem With Trying to Change and "Improve" Your Partner and Are You In Love With Him or Your Fantasy of Him?).

Relationships: Falling In Love With the Fantasy of His "Potential" Rather Than the Reality of Who He  Is

It's not that people don't change.  Make no mistake--many people do change. As a psychotherapist, I see this every day.  People come to therapy with a desire to make positive changes, work hard in therapy and gradually make those changes over time.   Most of the time, those changes have a positive impact in their personal life as well as the lives of those who are near and dear to them.

The problem arises when the woman becomes so fixated on what she sees as his potential and her codependent need to change her partner that she loses sight of the fact that time is passing and he's not changing (see my article: Relationships: Overcoming the Need to Rescue Your Loved Ones as Part of a Codependent Pattern).

For many women, it's as if the fantasy of what they want materializes before their eyes and rather than seeing the person in front of them, they almost see their partner as being already transformed.

This often creates problems in the relationship.  Even when the man is in agreement with the changes that the woman wants to see, he's aware that, on some level, he's not "measuring up" to the woman's standards or that he's "falling short" in some way.

It's even worse when the man doesn't want to change.  He might want to please his partner, but if he doesn't see the need to change, he will often feel that his partner doesn't think he's good enough so it makes him feel insecure.

Whether the man wants to change or not, the constant reminder from the partner that he's not where she thinks he should be is often a source of conflict and destroys many relationships.

People often show who they are when they're in a relationship.  As the late Maya Angelou wisely said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

If time has passed and he either can't or won't change, it's up to his partner to decide if she can accept him as he is or if she needs to let him go (see my article: Letting Go of Hope That's Based on Denial).

Letting go of someone you love can be excruciating, but it's usually better than remaining in a fantasy or making futile attempts to force change on someone (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Often the problem with focusing on the fantasy rather than the reality is rooted in early childhood trauma, which can be resolved in trauma therapy (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences From the Past).

Fictionalized Vignette:  Falling In Love With the Fantasy Rather Than the Reality of Who He Actually Is:
The following fictionalized vignette is a common example of how someone can get stuck in this fantasy trap and how working in trauma therapy can help:

Sara
Two years into her relationship with Jack, Sara felt deeply unhappy, angry and frustrated with the state of Jack's financial affairs.

A year into their relationship, Jack moved into Sara's apartment.  This only made matters worse because Sara was able to see first hand the full extent of Jack's impulsive spending problems.  They were arguing almost every day about what she called his "irresponsible" and "immature" behavior when it came to managing his money.

She told her psychotherapist that Jack never tried to hide that he was heavily in debt, he wasn't making progress in resolving his problem, and that he refused to get help:

"I tried to do everything to help him change," Sara told her therapist during their first session, "I encouraged him to attend Debtor's Anonymous meetings.  I've begged him to go to therapy.  I helped him to develop a budget that he never follows.  I even lent him money to pay off his credit cards, but he continues to max out his credit cards, and he hasn't paid me back.  His parents have also bailed him out numerous times.  He's a great guy in every other way and I can see how he could make a great husband and father--if only he would change his impulsive spending habits. We're both in our mid-30s and we've talked about getting married and having children.  I don't want to wait too long or I might not be able to have kids.  But I can't marry him while he's so irresponsible.  I don't know what else I can do, and I'm afraid he's feeling more ashamed and angry every time I complain."

When her psychotherapist asked Sara what she wanted to accomplish in therapy, Sara said that she wanted to learn to be "more patient" with Jack rather than scolding him.  She feared that if she couldn't be more patient with him, their relationship would soon end, and she knew she would be "devastated" if that happened.

The therapist could see that Sara was very focused on "fixing" Jack rather than dealing with her own unhappiness in the relationship.  It was obvious that, despite everything that she had seen, Sara was still looking at Jack through a distorted fantasy lens rather than the actual person who was before her eyes.  She felt her dilemma was that she couldn't change him nor could she accept him as he was.

As they continued to explore this issue in the therapy sessions, Sara's therapist tried to help Sara to imagine what it might be like if they had a crystal ball and they could see that Jack would continue to refuse to get help and that he would never change.

At first, Sara resisted trying to imagine their relationship with no change in Jack.  She continued to hold onto the image of the "potential Jack" rather than the "actual Jack."  She said she couldn't  understand how he could be so wonderful in every other way and yet he remained stuck with regard to his impulsive spending.

But, as time went on, Sara began to gradually focus on her own feelings rather than focusing on Jack.  She considered the possibility that Jack might not change, and this was a painful process for her.  She still felt ambivalent about completely accepting this possibility.

Then, one day Sara came into her therapy session looking more dejected than usual.  She told her therapist that she and Jack had a huge argument after she found out that he spent his half of the money they were saving for a mortgage down payment frivolously--he bought a race horse.

Not only did he not consult her before he bought the horse, but he felt justified in doing it.  He told her that he saw it as an investment and he couldn't understand why she was so upset.

Going through this painful argument was what finally got Sara to let go of her denial and see Jack clearly as he was rather than as she wanted him to be.  She knew she couldn't accept him as he was and, initially, she blamed him for ruining their lives when it became obvious to her that she had to end the relationship.

Over time, with the help of her psychotherapist, Sara was able to see her part the problems.  She saw that she had been holding onto an unrealistic fantasy about Jack.  She also gained insight into the connection between her early wish to change her father, who destroyed her family with his impulsive spending, and her wish to change Jack.  She accepted that she couldn't change her father or Jack.

Using EMDR  (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy, a form of trauma therapy, helped Sara to heal her past and current emotional wounds so she could move on with her life (see my articles: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Conclusion
Focusing on a fantasized potential (rather than the actuality of who he is) is a trap.  It keeps people stuck in a future fantasy of "what could be" rather than "what is" and "what won't change."

This perception is damaging to both partners individually and together in the relationship.

From a superficial perspective, it might be hard to understand why someone would remain frozen in this position, the dilemma becomes clearer when viewed from the perspective of the impact of early trauma.

Trauma therapy, like EMDR, can help someone who is stuck in this dilemma to overcome the current situation as well as the earlier trauma that is triggering it.

Getting Help in Therapy
If this article resonates with you, rather than remaining stuck, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to understand your dilemma, make connections with your past and heal current and past trauma so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with adult individuals.

I also work with couples using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.