Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

Nothing ever stays the same indefinitely in life.  If you think back on your life over time, you realize how many changes you went through.  Change is inevitable and it can be hard, so preparing emotionally for major changes makes sense.

See my articles 

Midlife Transitions: Reassessing Your Life

Midlife Transitions - Part 2: Living the Life You Want to Live, 

Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence, 

Fear of Change 

Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone).

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

There are some changes that happen so suddenly that you might not get a chance to prepare for them emotionally:  A sudden job loss, an unexpected medical problem or the unexpected betrayal of a friend.  But there are many expected changes, like going to college, starting your first job, getting married or retiring that you can prepare for emotionally.

Basic Steps to Preparing For Major Changes in Your Life:

• Acknowledge to yourself that change can be difficult and that you might be emotionally challenged in unexpected ways.
• Know that it's normal to feel some anxiety about change.
• Assess your situation and get as much information as you can before you make the change.
• Get input and support from trusted friends, family members and people who have gone through this type of change before.
• Weigh your options.
• Make a decision and come up with a plan.
• Take responsibility for making a decision and seeing it through.
• Take extra care of yourself and expect that the decision making process and the change might take more of a toll on you than you expect, even when it's a change that you consider to be positive.
• After the change has taken place, reassess your plan and make any necessary changes.
• Maintain contact with your emotional support system.
• Get help in therapy if the change is overwhelming or brings up unresolved issues from the past.

Fictionalized Vignette About Preparing Emotionally For a Major Change

Tom
Tom and his wife, Helen, had been talking about retirement for several years.

When they first started talking about it five years before, it seemed like it was a long way off.  But now that they were a year away from retirement, it suddenly seemed to loom large for Tom.

They had already decided that they would remain in New York City because they loved the city, especially the cultural events.  They also had most of their family and friends in New York, so they didn't want to leave.

Helen decided that she would get more involved in a charity where she already volunteered.  After retirement, she could spend more time doing what she loved.

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

But Tom wasn't sure what he wanted to do.  He knew that he would enjoy the first few weeks of being able to relax, but he also knew that he would get bored after a while if he just hung around the apartment.

He had already gone to his financial advisor, so he was clear on what their financial situation would be.  He had also looked into their health benefits plan and social security benefits, so that was taken care of already.

He just wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his time, and the more he thought about it, the more worried he got.

His other worry was that he associated retirement with death because his father died shortly after he retired.

Even though he was in good health and younger than his father when he retired, Tom still couldn't get this fear out of his mind.

He talked to his friends and family members, who were either retired or close to retirement.  After talking to them, he felt better for a short time, but then his fear would creep up on him again and cause him to lose sleep.

In the past, Tom had a good experience with psychotherapy, so he decided to return to his former therapist to deal with his anxiety and indecision.

As soon as he sat in his therapist's office, he remembered how comforted he felt in the past during their prior sessions, so he was glad that he returned to her rather than seeking out another therapist.  But he wondered if she would be able to help him with his current fear.

As they talked about how he associated retirement with death, Tom remembered how worn out and tired his father was by the time he retired.  Working a physically taxing job, his father looked at least 10 years older than his actual age.  The job had taken a toll on his health and he died less than a year later, which was devastating for Tom.

When he was last in therapy, Tom came for overcome a specific phobia he had about flying, so he had never talked much about his relationship with his father during his prior therapy sessions.

As he talked about his father's physically demanding job and his subsequent death soon after retirement, Tom broke down in tears unexpectedly.  He was upset about the loss and the fact that his father didn't get a chance to enjoy his retirement.

Then, he verbalized a thought that he had never been consciously aware of before:  If his father didn't get to enjoy his retirement, why should he deserve to enjoy his upcoming retirement?

The overwhelming feelings of guilt and sadness surprised Tom.  Now, he was beginning to understand why he was having difficulty planning what he might want to do with his free time:  Not only was he afraid of death, which was related to his father's death, but he also didn't feel that he deserved to enjoy his retirement because of his father's experience.

Tom thought he had grieved the loss of his father a long time ago, but he felt the loss again as if it happened yesterday.

He had taken care of the practical aspects of his retirement, but he couldn't overcome the feeling that he was undeserving.  And he only realized that he felt this way once he began talking to his therapist.

Tom's therapist helped him to understand that major life changes could bring up issues from the past.  She also explained that Tom was experiencing his grief for his father on another level where Tom had an unconscious identification with his father (see my article: An Unconscious Identification With a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change).

Over time, Tom expressed how he wished he could have done something to spare his father from death.  Until now, Tom had blocked out these feelings about his father's death.  Now, he realized that these feelings that he blocked out for so long were coming up and creating obstacles for him.

Tom also felt guilty that his father worked so hard to put him through college, and maybe if he didn't work so hard, he might have lived longer.  But he also knew that his father was so proud when Tom graduated college, especially since Tom's father never had an opportunity to go to college.

Tom's therapist encouraged Tom to keep a journal between psychotherapy sessions to capture any thoughts, feelings or dreams that might come up (see my article:  The Benefits of Journal Writing Between Therapy Sessions).

He found writing in the journal especially useful because it deepened his understanding of his problems, and he was able to bring in his journal to the next session to talk to his therapist.

During his therapy sessions, Tom realized that he was only remembering the hard times that his father had and not the good time that he had with Tom and Tom's mother.

When he realized that he was mostly focused on his father's hardships to the exclusion of the happy times, Tom decided to write about his father's life.  So, between sessions he wrote short stories about his father, and he shared his writing with his therapist during each session.

As Tom wrote about his father, he realized that his father had many happy times in his life.  He also felt closer to his father than he had felt in a long time.

As he worked through the loss of his father on this deeper level, Tom began to feel lighter.  He no longer felt afraid of dying after he retired because he was able to separate his upcoming experience from his father's.

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

Tom allowed himself to start thinking about what he would want to do after he retired.  He knew that he didn't want to spend his time playing golf or going to the casino, as some of his friends did.  He wanted something much more meaningful.

As he was considering the possibilities, he received a notice in the mail that the local elementary school was looking for volunteers for their reading program and a light went off in his head:  He loved little children and he loved reading, so this would be perfect for him.

As Tom talked about volunteering for the reading program in his therapy session, he felt a new sense of energy and enthusiasm.  He also realized that he no longer felt guilty about his father.  In fact, he knew his father would be proud of him for working with children.

Conclusion
Whenever you're facing a major change in your life, there are usually practical considerations to address.  But there also emotional issues to address as well.

No matter what type of change you're planning for, the practical considerations might be straightforward or, at least, there might be logical steps to follow.  But preparing emotionally can be more challenging, especially if there are issues that might be unconscious, as they were for Tom in the fictionalized vignette.

These unconscious emotional issues, which can be challenging, are often difficult to resolve on your own.

Getting Help in Therapy
When faced with a major change, whether it's one your chose or one that has been suddenly placed before you, you might be challenged in unexpected ways.

Even when you recognize that some of your fears are irrational, that's often not enough to banish those fears.

Sometimes the support of loved ones isn't enough or you might not feel comfortable talking to them about the emotional obstacles that are in your way.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist, who can help you to overcome those fears.

Being able to face your fears and deal with them in the light of day can be a freeing and transformational experience, so don't hesitate to get help in therapy.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to prepare emotionally for major changes and to overcome emotional obstacles.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Talk to Your Spouse About Retirement

Talking to your spouse about retirement can be a stressful conversation or it can be an exciting conversation, depending upon how well you and your spouse communicate.  Many couples avoid having this conversation because they fear it will bring on a confrontation.  I'm often amazed at how many couples (and individuals) completely avoid talking about retirement until it's upon them.

Talking to Your Spouse About Retirement

I usually recommend that couples talk about retirement at least five years or so before they anticipate retiring.  Hopefully, there has been financial planning throughout the marriage.  I'm not a financial planner, so I'm not giving financial advice in this blog.  But I have seen couples get embroiled in arguments about retirement planning, so I'd like to address this issue on an emotional level.

This isn't your grandfather's retirement:
People often avoid talking about retirement because it makes them feel uncomfortable.  They think about their grandparents' retirement and they get anxious because, years ago, people didn't live as long, so they often died soon after they retired.

This was certainly the case for my grandfather, who focused his entire life on two things:  his family and his work at the post office.  Like many people, before he retired, he looked forward to the day when he wouldn't have to go into work any more.  

But, after he retired, he realized that he had a lot of empty time on his hands.  About a year after he retired, he died.  At that time, this wasn't surprising.  It was just the way it was for a lot of people.  But people are living much longer these days--sometimes 20-30 years beyond their retirement, especially if they're in good health.  So, it makes sense to make plans for your retirement.

Tips For Talking About Retirement

• Play with ideas:  If you know that talking about retirement will be a loaded topic, assuming you have enough lead time, I suggest that you approach it initially as "playing" with ideas rather than trying to nail down your plans immediately.  This can take a lot of stress out of it.  It also frees you up to throw out ideas and minimizes either of you becoming reactive.

• Don't be reactive and immediately find reasons to say no: After you've played with some ideas, focus on what you and your spouse agree upon first.   For instance, if you both agree that you'd like to move to a warmer climate, start with that.  Ideally, where would each of you like to go?  Don't get bogged down immediately by finding all kinds of reasons why you can't do it.  If you both have a strong desire to relocate to a particular place, you might find a way to do it with enough planning ahead of time.

• What lifelong dreams have you delayed that you might want to consider now? Are there things that each of you have wanted to do all your life, but you didn't because it wasn't possible at the time?  Talk to each other about what those things might be.  For instance, I knew a friend who had a lifelong career in finance, but he yearned all his life to be a teacher.  He didn't feel he could switch careers when he was in his 40s and 50s because it would have been a substantial decrease in income.  But when he was considering retirement, he and his wife decided that they could finally afford for him to take a job as a teacher because they could afford to live on the lower salary in combination with his retirement savings. Fortunately, he and his wife were on the same page about this.

• See a financial planner: A financial planner, who has expertise in retirement planning can help you and your spouse to plan the practical aspects of your retirement.  Before you see a financial planner, it helps to know what you and your spouse would like to do during your retirement years.  For some people, this might sound like putting the cart before the horse.  They might say, "Shouldn't we figure out how much money we'll have first and then decide what we'll do?" From my perspective, as a psychotherapist and not a financial planner, I would suggest that you both consider your desires for the future first rather than shutting down ideas because you think you won't be able to afford it.  If you look at the money first, you might automatically eliminate some of your dreams as out of hand without considering all of your alternatives.

• Stay open to new ideas: For instance, a couple who have jobs as a carpenter and a schoolteacher might look at their retirement savings and decide that there's no way they can maintain their current home in their neighborhood on the money they have saved, even though they might want to remain in that home.  But automatically eliminating that choice might preclude them from considering other alternatives--like the one of them might be able to start his own business and the other might be able to work part time.  Maybe this is an alternative they can both agree upon rather than closing themselves off to this possibility.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse have problems talking about money or communicating in general, you could benefit from talking to a licensed mental health professional.

Instead of going around in circles, seek help from a psychotherapist who has experience working with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Feeling Empowered to Make a Career Change

Most people like to feel a sense of power, a degree of autonomy and an enthusiasm in their work. Feeling empowered, appreciated, creative, and fairly compensated are all important factors that usually contribute to overall work satisfaction.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I hear many stories from clients who are not satisfied with their work. They feel unappreciated, stifled, and stuck. Even though they feel uninspired by their current work, they're not sure what else they would like to do, and they come to see me to explore and overcome these issues.

Feeling Dissatisfied With Your Career

A Desire for Career Change
Sometimes, the desire for change might begin with a vague sense that work is not as satisfying as it once was. If this feeling continues to grow over time, it can lead to a certain malaise and inertia, especially if you don't take steps to at least explore other options.

Often, clients will tell me that they were once very happy with their work, but they're no longer satisfied. In many instances, the work is the same, the boss is the same, the colleagues remain the same, but something in these clients has changed.

Exactly what has changed in them is not always clear to them at first. But, often, on some level, they have outgrown their job and they want "more" or "something different."

Career Change Over the Span of a Life Time
It's not unusual these days to change careers several times over the span of a life time. Someone might start out in one type of career after college, often influenced by family or friends and, as time passes and they develop other interests, they desire something new. They might return to college or get a certification at a continuing education program to transition to another type of career.

Often, people in their 40s and 50s find that doing the same type of work that they've done for most of their lives no longer suits them. They want to continue to work and feel productive, but not in their current careers. They want something new that they can feel enthusiastic about. This doesn't necessarily mean that they're going through some sort of "mid-life crisis," as many people might say. It's just a common occurrence as people change and outgrow their current careers.

Retirement is Different Nowadays
It used to be that most people retired and that was that. They stayed home, rested, took it easy, and played with their grandchildren. And if that's what you want, that's okay.

But these days, many people, who retire in their 60s, 70s or later and who are in good health, don't usually want to stop working.

They want to work and feel productive in a career, but not doing the same type of work that they did for most of their lives. Maybe they stuck with a certain career because it afforded them a certain lifestyle, it paid for the mortgage and their children's college tuition or for other important reasons.

But for many people, now that they've retired from that career, they finally have the opportunity to do what they've always really wanted to do but couldn't do for whatever reasons.

For instance, I hear many stories about corporate executives who retire and decide to teach, teachers who retire and decide to go into sales, salespeople who retire and decide to start their own business, business owners who retire and decide to indulge their artistic side, and so on. If you're in good health and you no longer have the financial pressures and responsibilities that you once had, why not?

Feeling Stuck and Uninspired in Your Career?
Whatever your current career situation might be, if you're feel stuck and uninspired in your current work, you owe it to yourself to explore other options.

Networking and talking to other people about their work, especially if their work is different from what you do now, can give you some ideas. Doing some soul searching about what's important to you and what you could see yourself doing is also essential.

Start Taking Steps
The important thing is to start taking steps, no matter how small, to get yourself "unstuck" from your current situation.

Feeling Empowered to Make a Career Change

Getting Help in Therapy
For many people, who feel stuck in their careers and feel the need for career change, talking to a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area can be helpful in terms of getting unstuck.

About Me

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who is a former human resource manager.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to get motivated so they can find fulfilling careers.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.