Workplace: Coping with a Difficult Boss

At some point in your career, unless you're very lucky, you will probably have to deal with a difficult boss. Knowing how to deal with a difficult boss is essential to your well being and the future of your career.

Coping With a Difficult Boss

In this post, I'll consider certain types of bosses that most people would describe as "difficult" and provide some suggestions that you might find helpful. Since there are so many different kinds of difficult bosses, I'm sure I won't cover everything, and your comments are valuable so that I can include more information in the future.

It's also important that, since no one can truly understand a situation with a difficult boss unless you're in it, just like anything else, you need to use your judgement about your particular situation as to whether my recommendations would work for you.

Let's start out with certain premises. First, it's important to understand that one person's opinion about a boss might be very different than another's, so that what you might consider to be "difficult" others might find appealing. Second, it's possible, as hard as this might sound, that your difficult boss might actually think that he or she is doing a very good job. Your boss might lack any kind of self awareness about his or her behavior. Also, it's possible that this behavior might actually be encouraged by his superiors. The other factor to consider is whether or not you're contributing to the situation by your own behavior. This is an especially difficult thing to acknowledge. So, you need to look at your own behavior in the situation and be honest with yourself about your role in the situation and how you might need to change yourself in order to change the situation.

What is a Difficult Boss?
As previously stated, one person's idea of a difficult boss might be the ideal for someone else. It can be very subjective. However, here's a few of the most common "difficult boss" categories that I usually hear about in my office. Recognize that, for simplicity's sake, these are stereotypes. People are more complex than stereotypes and, to a certain extent, what you're dealing with might be different or a combination of several "types."

The Micromanager

The micromanager usually likes to feel in control of the most mundane aspects of a project. Often, he or she is insecure and cannot allow competent staff to carry out their duties without having staff constantly coming back to him or her at every step of the way to get approval. He or she can bog down projects with unnecessary meetings, sign offs, telephone calls, and other time wasters and, generally, annoy the staff with his or her need to oversee every little detail.

The Mircomanager

The Hands Off manager
The hands off manager is just the opposite of the micromanager. He or she is usually disengaged from the work and the staff. He gives little direction and leaves the staff wondering what he wants with regard to goals and objectives. Sometimes, he might not know or he might think that he is allowing his staff to take charge. However, the effect is often inefficient and ineffective if the staff "guesses" wrong and must waste time and effort redoing a project.

The Fault Finder

The fault finder is similar to the micromanager and some people consider this type of manager to be a subset of that category. The fault finding boss is usually very critical and looks for what's wrong most of the time and gives little or no credit for what's right. This type of boss can demoralize the staff quickly. He or she might look for the smallest mistake to point out, possibly overlooking a generally excellent job. This might be because his own level of competency is limited and he cannot judge the project on anything more than the smallest details or it might be his character. Whatever the reason, after a while, the staff will often lose their motivation to do a good job because it is almost never recognized. This, in turn, can make the fault finder even more negative.

The Indecisive Manager
The indecisive manager cannot make up his mind what he wants. As a result, he either gives little or no direction (similar to the hands off manager) or he keeps changing his mind. The indecisive manager is often insecure or he might be inexperienced. Possibly, he was thrown into his position with little or no training and he is not really competent for his job. The result is that he will often frustrate the staff with changes in direction or goals for a project, wasting time and effort.

The Boss who Takes All the Credit

The boss who takes all the credit for your ideas and your work, giving you little or no credit, is often a manipulative and insecure person. If he was not insecure about his own position, he would be generous enough to give you credit. He is often the boss who that will go to his superiors, without your knowledge, and claim responsibiliity for your ideas.

The Bully

Bullies are one of the most difficult types of bosses to deal with on the job. Often, they know that they're bullying the staff and either they don't care or they think that this is an effective way to get people to do their jobs or they just don't know any other way. These types of bosses are usually insecure and angry in general. They might not act this way at home with their spouses because their spouses might not put up with it and they might be very accommodating with their own superiors, but when they come to the office, they enjoy having power over their staff. They might yell or scream, demean people in staff meetings or be hyper critical. The bully gets off on power and control. Just like any other bully, like the schoolyard bully, there's often a scared person underneath it all who is hiding his fear by bullying his subordinates around.

Also see article: HR, It's Time to Show Bullies the Exit

The Sexual Harasser
Sexual harassment is a big topic. It can take many forms. It can range from inappropriate comments to be a "quid pro quo" situation where your manager offers you a raise or a promotion if you have sex with him. If you are being sexually harassed by your manager and if you work for a large company, you can speak with your Equal Employment Opportunity Officer to get help. Sexual harassment is against the law and it often does not stop unless you take steps--whatever steps you decide to take. If you're in a small company, you can go to your local, State or Federal EEOC agency to get help. Only you can decide the best course of action for your particular situation, but you should educate yourself as to your options. Go to your local, State or Federal EEOC website to get information. You might decide to leave, if that's an option for you.

I'm sure you can think of other types of difficult bosses.

How to Handle the Difficult Boss
Once again, you know your situation best. Other than the "sexual harasser" and "the bully" who might require you to go above his head or outside your company for help, if you think that your manager doesn't realize the effect he or she is having on you, consider whether this is someone that you can talk to privately to discuss the situation. If you think your manager would be open to it, ask him or her for a convenient time when you can talk privately. I'm stressing "privately" because a public confrontation is usually a bad idea. It might make you feel good at the time, but the repercussions are usually bad. First, your manager will be humiliated and won't hear what you have to say. Second, you'll be seen as someone who doesn't know how to handle difficult situations. Third, you might get fired.

Assuming that your manager is open to it and schedules a time for you, organize your thoughts before the meeting by writing down what you want to discuss. You don't have to discuss every time and every situation. This would probably not be effective. However, a few examples would suffice. Also, rather than just focusing on what's wrong (like the critical boss), try to find some things you think are positive, if you can. In addition, if you have some suggestions as to how the situation might improve, talk about them, once again, if you think your manager would be receptive to it.

If you think that speaking to your manager might make things worse because he or she cannot tolerate hearing any complaints, then you need to decide how to proceed. Is there a Human Resources Department? Do you have confidence in them? Do they have any authority or power to change the situation? Are there other colleagues who are experiencing the same problems with this manager? In certain situations, it might be better to go as a group rather than your going alone. However, in other situations, you might be perceived as "a troublemaker" if it gets out that you're the one who organized people. So, once again, you must use your judgement.

There are some situations with difficult bosses that are not likely to be improved for a variety of reasons. One might be that this is the culture of the particular workplace where you are and these problems go to the top. Another might be that your boss is the head or the owner of the company and he feels that he can do whatever he wants. Another reason might be that talking it out with an insecure or angry boss or with his boss or the Human Resources Dept. could make things worse. Your boss might never trust you again and might try to take steps to get you fired.

It's important for you to be able to "read" the particular situation that you're in and decide if it's worth it to stay or if you should leave. There might be particular reasons why you're staying for a while--maybe you're close to retirement or the job market is not good or you know you'll need to take Family Medical Leave soon and you won't get it immediately at a new company. There can be so many different reasons. That's why it's a very personal and individual decision.

One important factor to consider is how this boss or this job is affecting your self esteem and overall well being. If you feel that working under your particular circumstance is having a detrimental effect on your self worth or affecting your relationships at home because you come home stressed out and upset on most days, then it might be worthwhile to start looking for another job.

Hopefully, your encounters with difficult bosses will be few and far between in a long, successful career. However, if you feel that you are stuck and need support on how to deal with a difficult boss, you might consider going to a licensed mental health professional who is experienced in this area and who can help you to sort out your feelings and options and strategize on what to do.

And if, by chance, you recognize yourself as being a manager in one of the categories discussed in this post and you want to change your behavior for yourself as well as your staff, you can benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional. More and more, companies are less willing to tolerate managers who have poor interpersonal skills, so you, your company, and your staff could benefit from your getting help.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR therapist. 

One of my specialities is helping clients to deal with career and workplace issues.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Workplace: Being Around Negative Coworkers Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Mood

Spending time around coworkers who are habitually negative can have a negative impact on your mood and you might not even realize it.  It's very easy to start resonating with the negative mood of the people around you.  

Workplace: Negative Coworkers Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Mood

The opposite is also true:  When you're around coworkers who tend to be positive, it can be uplifting.

Being around negative people at work can be draining.  This is a common problem in the workplace and in life in general.

Recognize the Difference Between Someone Who is a Chronic Complainer and Someone Who Needs Support in Particular Situations
I want to emphasize that there will be times when your coworkers (or you) will need emotional support for work-related issues. So, it's important to be able to distinguish between a coworker who habitually complains and is negative and someone who needs support in a particular situation.  When you first meet a coworker, you might not be able to tell the difference at first.


If you work full time, you probably spend a lot of time around your coworkers, and you don't want to be aloof or standoffish.  After all, maintaining good working relationships is important on any job and can make your work life a lot smoother.

Showing empathy and compassion for someone who is going through a rough patch can help you to form bonds with your coworkers.

Negative Coworkers Tend to Be Negative Most of the Time
When I refer to negative coworkers, I'm not referring to people who happen to be going through a difficult time.  I'm referring to people who tend to be negative most of the time because this is how they are, regardless of the circumstances at work or in their personal lives.


While it's important to be empathetic and compassionate, if you find that being supportive of people who are habitually negative has no effect--in other words, no matter what you do or suggest, they remain negative, you need to take care of yourself.

You might not be able to completely avoid negative coworkers, but if you've tried to be supportive, but your coworker has a habit of complaining without taking constructive action to change things, you can try to some of the tips I've outlined below.

Tips for Dealing With Habitually Negative Coworkers
The following suggestions are general tips for dealing with negative coworkers.  Every situation will be different, so you'll have to use your own judgment as to whether these suggestions will work for you in your particular situation:

Try to Change the Subject
Rather than engaging in the negativity, if you've tried to be supportive and your coworker continues to be habitually negative, try changing the subject.

Stay Away From Certain Topics
People who tend to be negative are often triggered by certain topics, like a difficult boss or a new company policy that's unpopular among employees.  So, try to stay away from these topics and talk about neutral topics, like hobbies, the movies and other forms of light conversation that are neutral.

Set Limits and Limit Contact With Your Coworker Who Is Negative
You don't have to spend endless time talking to a coworker who is negative and sapping your energy.  You can find ways, like "remembering" that you have an important phone call to make or an assignment that you need to complete, to end a conversation with a negative coworker.  If possible, try to limit your contact with this coworker.

Don't Add "Fuel to the Fire"
It can be very tempting to jump right in and engage in your own complaints.  But, even if you have legitimate complaints, it's best not to add more "fuel to the fire" with someone who is a habitual complainer.

For one thing, you might find your complaint to be the focus of office gossip as this person uses your problem to continue to expound his or her own negativity in the office.  If this happens, it could get back to your boss and will put you in a negative light, at best, or get you fired, at worst.

If you're stuck in a situation where you can't get away, for whatever reason, it's better to respond with neutral comments if you feel compelled to respond.

Don't Take Your Coworker's Comments Personally
People who are habitually negative often don't realize that they're being insensitive or tactless.  At some point, you might find yourself on the receiving end of your negative coworker's comments.  The important thing is not to take it personally.  Recognize that this person might have poor interpersonal skills, and let it go at that.

Use the "Bubble Technique"
There will be times when you won't be able to avoid negative coworkers.  It's also possible that you work in an environment that, overall, tends to be negative with many dissatisfied and complaining coworkers.

If you can't find a way to take constructive action to change the things that you and coworkers might not like, until you can make a change, rather than resonating with a negative environment, you can use your imagination to practice the "bubble technique" where you picture yourself surrounded by a protective see-through bubble.

Many of my therapy clients have found this to be effective, especially if they don't have offices where they can close the door to take some time for themselves or if they work in a cubicle.

To use the "bubble technique," you use your imagination to feel as if there's a clear bubble around you that doesn't allow the negativity that's floating around the office to get to you.

Although this might sound a little "woo-woo" at first, after people get good at imagining this bubble, they feel a sense of relief to be able to delineate a space between themselves and others in the negative environment.

The Importance of Self Care 
It's important to be able to take care of yourself around coworkers who are habitually negative so you don't become physically and emotionally depleted by them.

Aside from the "bubble technique" that I mentioned above, many therapy clients, who tell me that they have negative coworkers at their workplace, have found other creative and effective ways of taking care of themselves.

Some of them, who work in places where it's permissible, wear headphones at times to listen to relaxing music and to make themselves less available when they know that a particularly negative coworker is around.

Finding your own way of coping with negative coworkers will allow you to focus on your work and your own personal and professional development.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome personal and professional obstacles so they can lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Stressful Workplace? Remember to Breathe

In a prior blog post, I discussed the boss who is a bully in the workplace (Are You a Bully at Work?).  I'd like to focus today on stress management in a stressful work environment. 

Aside from bullying bosses, there are many other potential stressors that can be detrimental to your health, well being, and your relationships with your loved ones. Knowing what works for you with regard to destressing is crucial when you work in a stressful work environment.

Stressful Workplace? Remember to Breathe

Stress at Work

For many people who are fortunate enough to have a job in this long recession, the fear of losing one's job is never far away. Even if you work in the most ideal work environment with the most supportive boss and congenial coworkers, given the economy, the potential for losing your job is a common workplace stressor.

I've often heard people these days talk about being extra cautious about taking off sick days. Other people become anxious, when they go on vacation, about what might go wrong with their projects while they're away.

Some people have even shortened their vacations because they're too anxious to stay away from the workplace for any length of time. When we look at this in a calmer, more rational way, we can see this is counterproductive. But for someone who fears that something bad could come up while he or she is away, this is a very real dilemma. So, given our current economic times, you can be under a lot of stress even in the most even the ideal workplace setting.

But most people aren't working in ideal workplace settings. They're dealing with difficult or bullying bosses or uncooperative coworkers and a myriad of other workplace stressors. So, no matter what type of workplace you go to every workday, it's essential that you have a stress management regime that works for you. Finding out what works best for you might take some exploration, trial and error, and an openness to trying new things.

Square Breathing to De-stress at Work

One simple thing that anyone can do is to remember to breathe. I know that, on the face of it, this might sound odd. After all, we all have to breathe in order to survive. But many people, without realizing it, hold their breathe for periods of time or they breathe in a way that's so shallow that they're not getting enough oxygen into their systems. Poor breathing habits can cause panic attacks. A steady flow of breathing can help you to discharge stressful energy.

Stressful Workplace? Remember to Breathe

I often recommend to clients that they practice rhythmic breathing where they breathe in to the count of 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, and then hold out to the count of 4, and then repeat the cycle of a few more times. This is called Square Breathing. The count doesn't so much matter--you can do it to the count of 5 or 6 or whatever feels comfortable that's more than 4. The important thing is to do all breathing in, out, and holding to the same count.

People are often amazed at how calming this can be. And, it's relatively easy so most people can do it fairly easily.

Developing your own ways to destress in a stressful workplace is essential. Square Breathing is one technique that can help.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR therapist.  I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my blog post:  An Internal Retreat 

Workplace: If You Want Your Employees to Treat Customers Well, Treat Your Employees Well

It seems it should just be common sense that, as a boss, if you want your employees to provide good customer service, you should model this behavior by treating your employees well. And, yet, many workplace managers just don't get it. There's a big disconnect between the behavior they model with employees and their expectations about how they want these same employees to treat customers.

If You Want Your Employees to Treat Your Customers Well, Treat Your Employees Well

As a psychotherapist, I hear from clients all the time about managers who are verbally abusive or who mistreat employees in other ways. These managers model bad behavior towards their employees, but they expect their employees to turn around and provide excellent customer service to customers.

When I refer to treating employees well, I'm not necessarily referring to giving employees big salary increases. Of course, it's always great to get a raise.

 But, based on what I hear from clients, money is important, but it's even more important to be treated, at the very least, with basic respect and common courtesy. This should be a no-brainer, but for many managers, it's not.

As a consumer, I often observe this phenomenon for myself in many different kinds of stores. You can often tell when you walk into a store (or any other workplace setting) whether employees are being treated well.

 Employees who are being treated well by management tend to be more open and helpful with customers. They often want to go the extra mile with customers. In those same work settings, there's usually an overall pleasant and professional environment.

In workplaces where employees are not being treated well by management, you can almost always feel it in your interactions with employees.

For instance, a cashier, who is belittled and demeaned by the boss, frequently doesn't make eye contact with customers. He often seems harried. The overall environment is usually tense and unpleasant. The owner might be ingratiating with customers, but if you observe his behavior with employees, it's often gruff and condescending. It's not unusual to see him standing over them and micro-managing their work.

As a customer, this is a very unpleasant experience. When I encounter this, I don't want to linger to browse--I want to get out of there as soon as possible.

I can remember times, years ago, when I was a human resources manager, when employees in these types of workplaces would offer me their resumes when the boss wasn't around.

They would tell me how unhappy they were, and they'd asked me if I had any openings or if I knew of anyone who had job openings. My heart went out to them, but I didn't have jobs to offer them.

Aside from how indicative this is of poor employee morale, what does this say about management? My sense was that these employees' supervisors, who weren't treating employees well, were also not being treated well by their managers.

There's an old Italian saying, which my grandmother used to say in situations like this, "The fish rots from the head down." Often what you observe on the lower echelons of management, with some exceptions, you will find on the upper end as well.

I realize this is a generalization, but poor management often cascades from the top, especially where mistreating employees is tolerated. In well-run organizations, managers who don't know how to maintain good employee relations with the staff are let go.

Well-run organizations don't tolerate a manager's bad behavior towards employees, if they know about it. And if they don't know about it, they should.

 In a well-run organization, top management knows that how they treat their employees will affect the bottom line. They don't have to be altruists to know that reasonably satisfied employees usually reflect their satisfaction in their work and interactions with customers. It just makes good business sense.

When I was in my 20s, I worked for an exceptional manager who took an interest in the career goals of each person who worked for him. We were part of a hospital, which gave the same across the board salary increases based on whatever unionized employees received, even though we were not unionized employees in this department.

So, other than getting a promotion, which I did over time, this manager couldn't reward us with extra money. But, he knew that treating employees well in other ways would, most likely, boost morale and ensure that we would provide good service to our "customers" (other departments within the hospital). He was an unusually creative manager and he found ways to incorporate tasks that were of interest to his employees.

For instance, if an employee was interested in improving her public speaking skills, he would give her the task of doing a small presentation during the staff meeting.

Needless to say, the overall work environment was very good, and this manager's boss was also a supportive individual who encouraged growth and development from the people who reported to him. This engendered loyalty and hard work among employees.

In some companies, where there are 360 performance evaluations (where managers rate employees, employees rate their managers, and peers rate each other), managers are usually more aware of how they treat employees because they don't want poor evaluations.

Anecdotally, I know of managers, who were in companies where they do 360 evaluations, who were fired because their employees gave them poor evaluations. Top management wasn't t interested in keeping them on and risking employee lawsuits.

So, while it might not be "rocket science" that you need to treat your employees well if you want them to treat your customers well, many short-sighted bosses just don't get it. This often results in unfavorable consequences for their employees, the business and, often, for themselves.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services, including dynamic talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing. 

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are Your Workplace Stressors Stressing Out Your Family?

In my prior two blog posts, I discussed the bullying boss (Career: Are You a Bully at Work? and Dealing with a Difficult Boss) and how to use Square Breathing (Learning to Relax: Square Breathing) as one way to de-stress at work. Now, I'd like to focus on what you can do if your work stressors are having a negative impact on your family because you're coming home feeling irritable, cranky, worried or in a bad mood. 

Are Your Workplace Stressors Stressing Out Your Family?

Bringing Home Your Work Stress Without Even Realizing It
Without even realizing it, you could be bringing home your work stress in such a way that, without you even saying a word about your job, your spouse and your children are picking up that you're either angry, worried or frustrated and this might be affecting their moods as well. Of course, this isn't your intention. So, what can you do about it?

Are You Bringing Home Your Work Stress Without Even Realizing It?

There's no one-size-fits-all solution to try to inoculate your family from the detrimental effects of your workplace stress. Of course, managing your own stress is optimal with regard to taking care of yourself and your family. 

But what about those times when you come home after a stressful day, and you haven't had time to go to the gym or yoga class before coming home? You get home, you're tired and stressed out and the moment you walk in the door, your spouse, your children, and your barking dogs are all vying for your attention. 

At that point, you might feel so overwhelmed that you're tempted to go right back out the door and keep walking. So, what do you do?

If you're already on your "last nerve," you might lose your temper or do something that you'll regret later. 

Even if you manage to be responsive to your family, you can still feel overwhelmed and they'll often sense your irritability or anger. 

Your anger, frustration and irritability often have nothing to do with them. But you might, unintentionally, take it out on them, adversely affecting your relationships.

Transitional Time Between Work and Home

When clients talk to me about this sort of scenario, I often suggest making an agreement with their families to allow them a certain amount of time to transition from work to home. 

This can mean different things to different people. It usually starts with your being mindful that you've left your workplace and now you're home. 

I know that's not as simple as it sounds, especially since you're walking around with the same mind that's feeling anxious or frustrated by workplace stressors. But being mindful of where you are now--at home--is a start. It's bad enough that you might be under a lot of stress at work, you don't need to prolong it by carrying it around with you and bringing it back home.

So, the transition starts in your own mind. Then, make an agreement with your family agree that, barring an emergency, you need some "time out" before you're bombarded with whatever is going on at home. 

This might mean that you take a calming shower or bath or you spend a few quiet minutes to yourself--or whatever works best for you. The point is that whatever helps you to distinguish, on an emotional level, between when you were at work and where you are now, at home, will allow you to take that space that gets you through the transition.

When you're discussing this "time out" that you need, being specific about the amount of time (15 minutes? a half hour?) is better than giving vague notions about what you need. And don't expect that you or they will get it perfectly the first few times. Habitual patterns are often difficult to change. You might need to tactfully reinforce your agreement with reminders.

The Importance of Self Care

Now, you might wonder why, if I started this blog post by discussing how your workplace stress could be affecting your family, I've been focusing on you and not your family. 

Well, the point is that you need to take care of yourself first before you take care of your family. It's just like when you're on a plane and flight attendants demonstrate safety measures: They always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you put the mask on your child. 

Why? Because you'll be absolutely no good to your child if you haven't taken care of yourself first. So, the same applies in the workplace vs home situation: Take care of yourself first by de-stressing and you'll be better able to help your family.

Not only will you be accomplishing your intention of de-stressing yourself and taking care of your family, you'll also be showing by example that taking care of oneself is important and there are simple and effective ways to do it.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist with expertise in clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing. I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Bullying Management Style Creates a Negative Work Environment

When clients come to see me about work stressors, one of the most common complaints I hear is that they work in stressful and negative work environments with bullying managers. In addition to hearing about bullying managers, I also see clients who are in managerial positions who feel frustrated with employees. 

A Bullying Management Style Creates a Negative Work Environment

There's no doubt that managers often have to deal with difficult employees. However, very often, these same managers have no insight into how their negative style of management and communication affects their dynamic with employees.

A Bullying Management Style Creates a Negative Work Environment

One of the biggest mistakes managers make with employees is having dictatorial or bullying style of management. Managers who are bullies usually think the only way they can get their employees to work is through intimidation. They create a negative work environment by treating their employees like they're children. Often, they have no awareness or insight that this is what they're doing until we begin discussing in their therapy sessions why their employees seem unmotivated and less effective than employees in other units.

Bullying Often Results From Emotional Security 

More often than not, their own emotional insecurity is what drives their bullying style of management. They don't feel confident that they can get the best from their employees unless they use their position of authority to try to infantilize their workers. Without a doubt, this creates resentment, which leads to a demoralized and unmotivated staff. Not only is it counterproductive with regard to what the manager is trying to accomplish, at times, in the worst case scenarios, it can lead to lawsuits for the manager and the company in the more egregious cases. It's usually a lose-lose situation.

Bullying is an Ineffective Management Style

In the short term, a bullying or negative manager might be able to intimidate employees to do what he or she wants, especially during this protracted recession where there's a shortage of jobs. But, in the long term, bullying and intimidating employees is not an effective way of creating a productive and positive work environment. And, even for the most hard boiled manager, who might not care if the work environment is positive or not, it's usually not effective with regard to advancing his or her own career with senior management if the manager perceived as someone who bullies employees.

So, if this negative and punitive style of management tends to be ineffective in the long run, why do certain managers persist in doing it? Well, there are so many reasons that one blog post is insufficient. But one reason, as I mentioned previously, is that this style usually comes from a deep sense of personal inadequacy. The bullying manager tries to cover up his or her emotional insecurities by trying to intimidate subordinates.

Bullying and "Divide and Conquer" Tactics

Another reason is that, rather than taking the long view with regard to creating a positive work environment, which requires more of an effort as compared to barking out orders to employees, the bullying manager is short sighted. His or her goals are short term. Rather than focusing on team building, the bullying manager will often engage in "divide and conquer" tactics among employees. These managers often have deep seated fears that creating a team approach would lead to a "mutiny" against him or her.

The Bullying Boss as "Lord of the Manor"

Lack of the appropriate skill set and inexperience are also contributing factors that contribute to a bullying style of management. Often, the inexperienced or unskilled manager feels that the only thing he or she has to rely on is the managerial title. He or she behaves like the "lord of the manor" engaging in a feudal style of management. Too often, senior management doesn't invest the time, money or effort involved with training these managers. As a result, a bullying manager often relies on the only thing he or she knows when it comes to authority relationships--the parent-child relationship. Of course, this leads to resentment. In the worst case scenarios, it leads to sabotage, both overt and covert.

Bullying Managers and Personality Disorders

Bullying managers often have personality disorders where they come across as inconsistent, verbally provocative, unable to manage their anger, engaging in black and white thinking and, in the worst cases, being emotionally unstable. When a personality disorder, like borderline personality or narcissistic personality, is involved, this is a much more serious problem. A manager who lacks expertise in managing employees, theoretically, can go for training. But a manager who has a personality disorder needs professional psychological help. In companies where there are numerous complaints about a bullying manager, senior management will often mandate this manager to seek professional help or risk losing his or her job.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have a bullying style of management and training has not been effective in helping you to change, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. 

If you're motivated to do the personal work required to change, you can work through the underlying issues that contribute to an ineffective, bullying style of management.

If you're an employee who has a bully for a boss, you could use the support of a licensed mental health professional, especially if this situation is triggering old unresolved trauma, to feel empowered to take action.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Flirting with Disaster: Sex on the Job

The workplace can be an intimate setting where you and your colleagues are working closely together for long hours on projects of mutual interest. It's not unusual for sexual attractions to develop on the job, especially under these circumstances. But acting on those sexual attractions, even if you're both single, is like flirting with disaster.

Flirting with Disaster: Sex on the Job

What might start out as a romantic encounter or a fun and sex encounter can end up costing you your job and, possibly, your reputation in your industry.

The following vignette is a composite account, with all identifying information changed, of what could happen if you get sexually involved at work:

Ray:
Ray was a successful account manager in his mid-30s at a public relations firm. He had a reputation for being smart and creative. He was becoming increasingly visible at his company due to his success with his accounts, and his boss told him on more than one occasion that senior management had their eye on him for future promotions.

Ray was also single and attractive, and many women in the office were interested in him. In the past, he dated a couple of women at work when he first started on the job. But, when he became an account manager, he decided that office romances were too risky because when the relationship ended, there tended to be hard feelings on one or both sides and he had to continue to have contact with these women, which made it very uncomfortable.

When Sally, the new administrative assistant, began working at the firm, Ray felt an instant sexual attraction for her. She was attractive, sexy smart, and single. Ray also sensed that Sally was attracted to him. He thought about what it might be like to go out with her, but he had no intention of asking her out since they worked together.

A few months later, Ray was working on a project with a short deadline and he was working long hours to try to meet the deadline. His boss assigned Sally to assist Ray as the deadline approached so Ray and Sally found themselves working in close quarters, alone, late at night.

When they were alone, they tended to flirt with each other a little but the pressure to complete the project kept them focused on their task. There was a lot at stake.

On the final night of the project, Ray thought they were really working well as a team. Without Sally's help, Ray knew that he wouldn't have completed the project on time. He also knew that Sally was underemployed as an administrative assistant, and she hoped that she might make a good junior account assistant.

When they had put the final touches on the presentation, they both breathed a sigh of relief. It was late at night and they were both tired. Ray was about to call a limousine service to take Sally home when he looked up at her, saw her staring at him with obvious interest and, without thinking, he kissed her.

As Ray described it to me when he came to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, maybe it was the excitement of completing the project and the sexual tension that was building up between them but, before he knew it, they were having sex on the floor.

When it was over, according to Ray, he felt embarrassed and guilty for initiating the sexual encounter between them. He knew that they couldn't get involved again, and he told Sally this. She told him that she was disappointed and hoped he would change his mind.

After that, Ray found it very awkward to see Sally at work. He tried to pretend that nothing happened between them, but it was hard. He sensed that Sally was hurt and annoyed with him because he only interacted with her when he absolutely had to and he kept it professional.
A few months later, Sally was assigned to help Ray again with another project deadline. Ray tried to get another administrative assistant to help him, but no one else was available. So, once again, Ray and Sally were alone in the office. Ray tried to focus on the project document, but he was very sexually aroused by Sally and he knew that she felt the same way. Since they had already had been sexually involved, it was that much more tempting.

Ray decided to work in another office and to give Sally work to do in her area. He thought if he didn't have to look at her, he wouldn't be so distracted by the sexual attraction between them. But by the end of the night, the forbidden nature of the situation made it even more tantalizing, and Ray went back to Sally's place, against his better judgment, and they spent the night together.

Afterwards, Ray told Sally again that, even though they had fun together, he wasn't interested in dating her because it would be too complicated. Once again, Sally was annoyed and hurt. She told Ray that they could date without anyone knowing about it, but Ray wasn't interested.

Soon after that, Sally applied for a position as an account manager. Ray's boss asked Ray what he thought about Sally for the job. Ray told his boss that he thought Sally would make a good junior account manager, but he didn't think that she was ready for the more senior position. He told me that he based this solely on her skills and experience, and it had nothing to do with his sexual encounters with her.

But that's not how Sally saw it. When she heard that Ray didn't think she was qualified for the job, she assumed that he was saying this because he was uncomfortable with her due to their sexual encounters. And she went straight to the EEO (Equal Employment Opportunity Office) officer and filed a sexual harassment complaint against Ray.

There was an investigation, which was very humiliating for Ray. He admitted that he had sex with Sally on two occasions, but he denied that this had anything to do with his opinion that she was not ready for the job. Soon after that, Ray's boss reprimanded Ray for getting sexually involved with a someone at work. He told Ray that, as a manager, he should have known better. He was mandated to attend an EEO training on sexual harassment. He was also told, informally, that, even though he was not being terminated, his future with the company was dim and encouraged to resign as soon as possible.

Due to the recession, it took Ray more than a year to find a comparable job and, in the meantime, he had exhausted his savings.

By the time Ray came to see me, he was doing well on his new job, but he was emotionally traumatized by what he allowed to happen at his former job, which is why he came to therapy.

Ray was lucky that Sally didn't go outside the firm to sue for damages, and he realized this. He had a lot to consider in therapy when he thought about his impulsive behavior on his former job.

Getting sexually involved at work can turn out to be a personal and career disaster. This is not to say that many people don't meet at work and eventually get married without a problem, but for many other people, it creates tremendous problems. Even if your company doesn't have a policy where employees are not allowed to date each other, you would be wise to carefully consider getting sexually involved with someone at work.

About Me

I am a licensed New York. City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients with personal and career issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Workplace Issues: Strategies for Dealing With Malicious Gossip

I came across an interesting article in the New York Times by John Tierney called Can You Believe How Mean Office Gossip Can Be?  It was based on a journal article in the Journal of Contemporary Ethnography. 

Workplace Issues:  Strategies for Dealing With Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

Considering the fact the many of us spend at least eight or more hours in an office and gossip is part of most organizations, this is an important issue to explore.

Years prior to my becoming a psychotherapist, I was a human resource manager. In my prior career. I saw, first hand, the negative effects of gossip, which included undermining and, in some cases, ruining people's career.

Workplace Issues: Strategies for Dealing With Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

People engage in office gossip for all sorts of reasons. Some people, who work in organizations where there are reorganizations or layoffs looming, gossip to deal with the stress of the situation, the lack of information, and to try to give and get information. The problem is that the information is often wrong.

Other people gossip to vent about the boss or top management when they feel disempowered in their work environment. The obvious danger with this is that you could lose your job if the boss finds out that you're talking about him/her. The other problem is that this kind of gossip can undermine your entire office, which could have repercussions in how others, including future prospective employers, see you. They could easily say, "If the boss is a incompetent, everyone under him is probably incompetent too.

Workplace Issues: Strategies for Dealing with Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

Even if you don't lose your job because you're gossiping about the boss, frequent malicious gossip can produce a toxic office environment where the group's dissatisfaction grows, festers, and feeds on itself, reducing morale and making it a very unpleasant place to work.

Some people gossip because they're bored or dissatisfied with their jobs. Others hope to form certain alliances among a particular group of employees while alienating other employees.

Gossiping might seem like a harmless diversion and it might bring about a certain temporary cohesiveness within the group where the gossiping is taking place. But there is usually a certain amount of suspicion within the group, "If he's gossiping about her, he's probably gossiping about me too." And, of course, this is often the case.

One situation that was not explored in the article is when employees purposely start a cycle of gossip as a way to intentionally sabotage an employee. If you happen to be that employee, it can be extremely difficult to combat this form of sabotage because you might not be able to find out who started it and you might not be able to control it due to the covert nature of the gossip.

When you're in a work setting where there's a lot of office gossip, it's hard to avoid. John Tierney's article suggests certain strategies if you happen to be part of a gossipy group and you feel uncomfortable.

One suggestion is to say something positive about the person being maligned. This makes it difficult for others to continue to talk negatively about that person. Another strategy is to change the subject, a subtle suggestion that you're not interested in engaging in this gossip. A third recommendation is that you suggest, in a tactful manner, that you and others get back to work.

Workplace Issues:  Strategies for Dealing with Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

In my opinion, one of the most effective strategies for discouraging office gossip is for top management to encourage employees to come forward with their dissatisfaction.

Now we all know that many managers talk a good game about having an "open door policy," but not all of them mean it. Employees quickly pick up on the disingenuousness of this, and it creates more bad feelings. But if employees see that top management is genuinely concerned and problems are addressed and resolved, this can go a long way towards decreasing office gossip.

But what can you do if the boss is the one who is gossiping to you about his/her colleagues, superiors or your coworkers? This situation is not addressed in the article. This is obviously a very ticklish situation where you may be damned if you do and damned if you don't join in the conversation with your boss.

Tact and diplomacy are essential, and you might suddenly "remember" that important call that you need to make to a client or the report that's due today, making it necessary to excuse yourself. If possible, you might also consider looking for another job before it's your turn to be the object of your boss's disaffection.

Whether we like it or not, gossip is a fact of life in most offices. Men and women both engage in it.

Learning to deal with office gossip requires tact and maturity as you balance your need not to participate with the reality that, for as long as you're in this work environment, you still need to work with the worst offenders of office gossip.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients deal with workplace and career issues.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Feeling Empowered to Make a Career Change

Most people like to feel a sense of power, a degree of autonomy and an enthusiasm in their work. Feeling empowered, appreciated, creative, and fairly compensated are all important factors that usually contribute to overall work satisfaction.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I hear many stories from clients who are not satisfied with their work. They feel unappreciated, stifled, and stuck. Even though they feel uninspired by their current work, they're not sure what else they would like to do, and they come to see me to explore and overcome these issues.

Feeling Dissatisfied With Your Career

A Desire for Career Change
Sometimes, the desire for change might begin with a vague sense that work is not as satisfying as it once was. If this feeling continues to grow over time, it can lead to a certain malaise and inertia, especially if you don't take steps to at least explore other options.

Often, clients will tell me that they were once very happy with their work, but they're no longer satisfied. In many instances, the work is the same, the boss is the same, the colleagues remain the same, but something in these clients has changed.

Exactly what has changed in them is not always clear to them at first. But, often, on some level, they have outgrown their job and they want "more" or "something different."

Career Change Over the Span of a Life Time
It's not unusual these days to change careers several times over the span of a life time. Someone might start out in one type of career after college, often influenced by family or friends and, as time passes and they develop other interests, they desire something new. They might return to college or get a certification at a continuing education program to transition to another type of career.

Often, people in their 40s and 50s find that doing the same type of work that they've done for most of their lives no longer suits them. They want to continue to work and feel productive, but not in their current careers. They want something new that they can feel enthusiastic about. This doesn't necessarily mean that they're going through some sort of "mid-life crisis," as many people might say. It's just a common occurrence as people change and outgrow their current careers.

Retirement is Different Nowadays
It used to be that most people retired and that was that. They stayed home, rested, took it easy, and played with their grandchildren. And if that's what you want, that's okay.

But these days, many people, who retire in their 60s, 70s or later and who are in good health, don't usually want to stop working.

They want to work and feel productive in a career, but not doing the same type of work that they did for most of their lives. Maybe they stuck with a certain career because it afforded them a certain lifestyle, it paid for the mortgage and their children's college tuition or for other important reasons.

But for many people, now that they've retired from that career, they finally have the opportunity to do what they've always really wanted to do but couldn't do for whatever reasons.

For instance, I hear many stories about corporate executives who retire and decide to teach, teachers who retire and decide to go into sales, salespeople who retire and decide to start their own business, business owners who retire and decide to indulge their artistic side, and so on. If you're in good health and you no longer have the financial pressures and responsibilities that you once had, why not?

Feeling Stuck and Uninspired in Your Career?
Whatever your current career situation might be, if you're feel stuck and uninspired in your current work, you owe it to yourself to explore other options.

Networking and talking to other people about their work, especially if their work is different from what you do now, can give you some ideas. Doing some soul searching about what's important to you and what you could see yourself doing is also essential.

Start Taking Steps
The important thing is to start taking steps, no matter how small, to get yourself "unstuck" from your current situation.

Feeling Empowered to Make a Career Change

Getting Help in Therapy
For many people, who feel stuck in their careers and feel the need for career change, talking to a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area can be helpful in terms of getting unstuck.

About Me

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who is a former human resource manager.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to get motivated so they can find fulfilling careers.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.