Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Ask Your Partner, "Do You Want to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?"

In recent months I've been doing a series of articles about improving communication in relationships.  

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

See my articles:

What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

How to Stop Kitchen Sinking Your Partner

How to Change a Pattern of Defensive Behavior

How to Stop Stonewalling

How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex

Improving Communication: What Does Your Partner Need When They're Upset?

In the current article I'm focusing on a particular topic that comes up a lot with clients who are in individual therapy and couples therapy with me: How to respond when your partner is upset.

Your partner might need different things at different times when they're upset, so it's best to ask first before you jump in with a response that isn't helpful. 

They might want:

• To vent because they're feeling frustrated so they're not looking for a solution to their problems. They need to be heard, or

• To have a problem solving talk with you where they're looking for help with possible solutions, or

• To have a hug as a way for you to show affection and emotional support

Instead of jumping in with what you think they might need, it's better to ask them, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"

Even if they weren't thinking about what they wanted when they started talking to you about what upset them, when you ask, you're helping them to clarify their needs. 

You're also helping them to feel empowered enough to ask for what they need.

Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, illustrate the importance of asking your partner what they need: 

    Vignette 1: Jan and Bill

When Jan came home from the office, she told her husband, Bill, she was so upset that she was passed over for a promotion and that she wanted to quit her job. After she told him that someone who was related to the senior vice president, someone with less experience than Jan, got the promotion, Bill launched into problem solving mode. 

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

Jan listened, but she felt increasingly frustrated until she stopped him mid-sentence and said, "The more I listen to you, the more upset I feel." Surprised, but wanting to be helpful, Bill asked compassionately, "What do you need from me?"  Jan hesitated at first to think about what she needed and then she said, "I just want to vent, so just hear me out." After she vented to Bill, Jan felt much better. Once she aired her frustration, she had a renewed sense of energy and clarity about what she wanted to do.

    Vignette 2: Alice and Nan

After Alice got off the phone with her sister, she told her wife, Nan, how angry she felt that her sister was being difficult about their parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary. She complained to Nan that her sister rejected all her suggestions for possible venues.

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

Nan listened attentively to Alice and validated Alice's feelings. Then, she gave her a big hug. Alice responded, "I appreciate the validation and the hug, but what I really want is help with solving this problem." Nan realized she responded in a way that wasn't the most helpful to Alice, so she got into problem solving mode and, together, they looked up venues and came up with possible ways to resolve the problem with Alice's sister.

    Vignette 3: John and Miguel

After dinner, John and Miguel sat down to talk about what they would do for the holidays. From the start of their relationship, Miguel's parents were loving towards them and affirming of their relationship. Whenever Miguel and John went to visit them, they welcomed John into their home just like they did with their other children's spouses and partners, and John felt comfortable around them. But John's parents told him they weren't ready to accept that he was gay and that he was a relationship. They told John that they wanted to see him for the holidays, but they weren't ready to extend the invitation to Miguel (see my article: LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing With Homophobia in Families).

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

When John expressed his anger and sadness to Miguel, Miguel listened to John. From past similar talks with John where John needed different things, Miguel realized he wasn't sure what he needed from him in this situation, so he asked John, "What can I do for you right now that would be most helpful?"  John was moved by Miguel's empathy and concern and responded, "I already know that if my parents won't accept that I'm gay and they don't accept our relationship, I'm not going without you, so I've already made my decision. I just need a hug" and Miguel responded by putting his arms around John and giving him a big hug.

Discussion About the Vignettes

These vignettes illustrate that even well-meaning partners sometimes mistake what their partner needs.  

    Vignette 1: Bill assumed that Jan wanted problem solving suggestions, but Jan was feeling frustrated and his suggestions only made her feel more frustrated.  Once he allowed her to vent, she felt energized and she had the clarity she needed to proceed.

    Vignette 2: Nan responded to her wife, Alice, by validating Alice's concerns and giving her a hug. But, even though Alice appreciated the validation and the hug, what she actually needed was help with problem solving. Once they were both on the same wavelength, they were able to come up with possible solutions to the problem.

    Vignette 3: Miguel knew from prior similar talks with John that he wasn't always sure what John needed from him. So, with compassion and empathy, he asked John what he needed. In the past, John needed to be heard or he needed help with problem solving as it related to his parents' homophobia. But since John had already decided that he wouldn't go to his parents' home if they weren't accepting that he's gay and in a relationship with Miguel, what he needed was a hug, which Miguel was happy to give him.

Conclusion

Your partner might need different responses from you at different times even if they're talking about the same problem, so it's a good idea to ask each time what they need.

They might need one particular response or they might need a combination of responses.

A shorthand way to remember this is with the question, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"

Even if your partner isn't sure what they need in the moment, your question can help them to clarify their needs so you can respond in the way that's most helpful.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

 

Overcoming a Communication Stalemate in Your Relationship

When couples come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, one of the major complaints I hear is that they often get into communication stalemates with each other.  Many of them have problems understanding the needs of their spouses, which leads to these communication stalemate.  The problem often involves misunderstandings about the need for providing emotional support vs the need for giving solutions to problems.

Overcoming a Communication Stalemate in Your Relationship

Let's look at a typical scenario which, in this case, is a composite of the dynamics in many relationships where the two people have difficulty communicating with each other because there is a misunderstanding about what the person with the problem needs from the spouse:

Jean and Bill:
When Jean and Bill came for couples counseling, they both felt frustrated with their inability to communicate with each other.

When they came for couples counseling, they were in their mid-30s, married for three years, and they didn't have children.

Bill worked as a financial consultant from home, and Jean was a senior manager at a large bank.  They both worked long hours, and they both enjoyed their work, even though there were challenges at times.

Usually, at the end of a long day, they would have a late dinner together at home and talk about their day.  At the point when they came to see me, Jean was having a difficult time with one of her colleagues who tended to undermine Jean at senior managers meetings.

When she came home, Jean felt tense and frustrated by this ongoing problem.  But what made her feel even more frustrated was that Bill had a hard time understanding that when she talked to him about this issue, she just wanted his emotional support--not a solution to the problem.  And, even though she had told him this several times, Bill seemed to have difficulty understanding this.

Jean:  "Instead of listening to me and trying to empathize with what I'm going through, he cuts me off by giving possible solutions to the problem.  But I'm not looking for him to 'fix' the problem for me. I just want to be able to vent and feel that he cares about me and he's on my side before we come up with solutions.  I'm not feeling that.  I feel like Bill just wants to jump ahead to problem solving."

Bill:   "I just don't get it.  What's wrong with problem solving and offering possible solutions?  Isn't it better to find a solution to resolve this problem?  And how is it that you don't know I care about you?"

At that point, Bill and Jean were sitting far apart from each other on my couch, both of them glaring at one another. It was obvious that they had been down this road many times before and had come to the same impasse each time.

A Common Communication Problem in Relationships:  Seeking Emotional Support vs Looking For an Immediate Solution
This is a common communication problem in many relationships, and part of the problem is that, generally speaking, men and women often approach problems differently.  It's not a matter of one way being better than another.

Typically speaking, whereas men usually like to get to the solution of a problem quickly, women usually prefer to process their feelings about it first before coming to a solution.  Just like anything else, there are, of course, exceptions to this dynamic between men and women.  Often, depending upon the problem, women usually prefer to come to solutions to problems between people by talking it out, but many men find this frustrating.  They're usually more focused on fixing the problem right away without processing it.

In this case, Bill and Jean were having a hard time understanding where the other one was coming from.  Bill didn't understand that Jean wanted him to be there for her, actively listening to what she said, expressing that he understood how difficult this situation was for Jean and that he loved her.  Instead, he jumped ahead to the practical issue of trying to "fix" the problem.  He wasn't really understanding what she needed from him.  Then, Jean would get very angry and refuse to talk about it.

Jean wasn't communicating in a way that was clear to Bill about what she needed.  Rather than saying, "I just want you to listen to me right now and I want you to show me that you care without jumping to a solution," she would become angry and lose her temper with him.  Her knee-jerk reaction compounded the problem.

As a couples counselor, I helped each of them to step back and look at their situation from the perspective of the other person.  This was challenging for both of them because they had each become so dug in from their own perspectives.

But as we continued to work together and they practiced active listening and being clearer about each of their needs in our couples sessions and at home, they improved their communication, tensions eased, and they became closer.

Jean learned to tell Bill at the beginning of the conversation that she wasn't looking for a solution just yet--she just wanted to vent.  And Bill learned to put himself in Jean's shoes and express love and support.  He also came to realize that talking it out actually helped Jean to come to a better solution than just looking for a solution without going through the process of their discussion.

Overcoming a Communication Stalemate in Your Relationship

Jean also learned that, every so often, Bill would slip up and jump in with a solution.  Rather than losing her temper, Jean learned to be more patient and to understand that Bill was coming from a loving place, and he just needed to be reminded that she just wanted him to listen and express emotional support.

They also learned to limit these discussions to no more than 30 minutes so it didn't take over the rest of the evening, and they could focus on reconnecting with each at the end of the day.

Getting Help in Therapy
Although, as I've said, this is a common communication problem in relationships, couples often have a hard time resolving it on their own, especially if the problem has been going on for a while and hurt feelings and resentment have been building up over time.

A skilled and objective couples counselor can help a couple out of their communication stalemate,

If you and your spouse find yourself  stuck in a communication stalemate, don't keep doing the same things that hasn't been working for you.  Rather than continuing in your stalemate, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping couples to overcome this problem so you can have a happier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power

When I was in my 20s, I had little exposure or belief in intuitive abilities.  But, one day a chance encounter with a friend caused me to question my skepticism about intuition and to, eventually,  explore how intuitive abilities can be developed in relation to creativity abilities.

Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power

My Introduction to Intuition:  Beatrice at Bondini's
I remember the day that I ran into a close friend on my way home.  I had walked from my job in the East 30s to the West Village and I was about to get on the train to go home.  As I was going through the turnstile to get on the train, my friend was, coincidentally, coming through the same turnstile on the other side. We both laughed at the timing of meeting each other this way in a city of eight million people.  When I asked her where she was going, she told me that she had an appointment with someone named Beatrice at Bondini's restaurant on W. 9th Street in the Village.

I knew of Bondini's Italian restaurant from a former boyfriend's mother who would rave about their food.  But I'd never been there and I had never heard of anyone named Beatrice there.   When I asked my friend about this, she hesitated.  Then, she grabbed my arm and told me to come with her to see Beatrice, who was a psychic.  I remember laughing and teasing my friend all the way there because she believed in psychics.  Her only response was, "You'll see..."

Since my curiosity was greater than my skepticism, I went along with her.  I thought I would encounter a woman with a turban on her head looking into a crystal ball, but Beatrice was an average down-to-earth woman who looked and acted nothing like I expected.  She had a room in the back of the restaurant, but she had no mystical props or crystal balls.

Originally, I had no intention of getting a reading from Beatrice but, once again, my curiosity was greater than my skepticism, so when my friend "volunteered" me to go first, I went along with it, not expecting very much.  Beatrice asked if she could hold an item that belonged to me, so I gave her a topaz ring that I wore everyday for the last 10 years or so.

Then, to my great surprise, without my uttering a question or a word or giving her any information, she began telling me, in detail, about the man I was dating.  Not only did she describe his physical appearance, his personality and how he interacted with me, but she also described the strong effect he had on everyone around him--that he charmed both men and women, so much so that he was often able to get away with things that most people couldn't have gotten away with.   I knew this to be absolutely true and had seen it many times.  (Fortunately, he wasn't a sociopath, so he didn't use his charm in any illegal or unethical ways.)

Needless to say, I was stunned.  She told me things about him that even my close friend didn't know.  All the while, I said nothing, so she wasn't pumping me with questions for information, as many so-called "psychics" do.  I didn't understand what was happening, but I was fascinated.  So, unable to resist, I asked her if she had a sense of our future as a couple.   She was very tactful and kind.  There was no drama or offer to sell me love candles or love bath.  She simply said that she didn't see us staying together.  Until then, everything she said rang true, but I thought she really got this wrong.  But sure enough, a few months later, we broke up.

While I was in my 20s, I went to see Beatrice a few more times.  I continued to be fascinated by her intuitive abilities and level-headed, no-nonsense approach.  Then, she was written up in New York Magazine, and it became difficult to see her without making a six-month in advance appointment because she became so popular, so I stopped seeing her.

Developing Intuition
Following my experience with Beatrice, I attended a workshop with a woman in NJ, who used her psychic abilities to help the police solve crimes.  She was also very down-to-earth and had a good reputation among law enforcement.  She made the practice of developing intuition for the average person seem like the most natural thing in the world.  I also read books about intuition and became interested in dream work.

As I followed my dreams, I began to have flashes of intuition, both in my dreams and in my waking hours. I didn't have any earth-shattering intuitive flashes about world events.  These flashes of intuition were mostly about my everyday life and the people in it.

Intuition for Creative Solutions
Over time, I came to trust these flashes of intuition to help me come up with creative solutions to everyday life situations.   I find that the more connected I am to my dreams, the sharper my intuitive abilities are during everyday situations.  I am, by no means, a psychic and my intuitive abilities don't extend beyond the ordinary situations that develop in life, but I've found that using intuition to tap into creative, problem solving abilities has added a richer dimension to my life.

Of course, the ability to use logic is crucial to living our lives.   But rather than being exclusively focused on only living a life based on logic, I encourage people to develop their intuitive side, if this is something that interests them.

Intuition and Dreams
One way to develop intuition is to pay attention to your dreams.  Not all of them will be intuitive dreams, but you might find that, if you write them down and make them a priority, you might get glimpses into your intuitive side.  Then, rather than being skeptical about intuition, as I was initially when I was in my 20s, if you remain open and curious, you might discover that your intuition can be tapped into to enhance your creative abilities.  I've included some resources below if you're interested in developing your intuition to tap into your creative abilities.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic  Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my articles:
Dream Incubation - Planting Seeds
Creative Imagination and Dream Work

Resources:
Embodiment: Creative Imagination in Medicine, Art and Travel - by post-Jungian psychoanalyst, Robert Bosnak
Creative Dreaming - by Patricia Garfield
Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming - by Stephen LaBerge, Ph.D.

Workplace Issues: Strategies for Dealing With Malicious Gossip

I came across an interesting article in the New York Times by John Tierney called Can You Believe How Mean Office Gossip Can Be?  It was based on a journal article in the Journal of Contemporary Ethnography. 

Workplace Issues:  Strategies for Dealing With Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

Considering the fact the many of us spend at least eight or more hours in an office and gossip is part of most organizations, this is an important issue to explore.

Years prior to my becoming a psychotherapist, I was a human resource manager. In my prior career. I saw, first hand, the negative effects of gossip, which included undermining and, in some cases, ruining people's career.

Workplace Issues: Strategies for Dealing With Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

People engage in office gossip for all sorts of reasons. Some people, who work in organizations where there are reorganizations or layoffs looming, gossip to deal with the stress of the situation, the lack of information, and to try to give and get information. The problem is that the information is often wrong.

Other people gossip to vent about the boss or top management when they feel disempowered in their work environment. The obvious danger with this is that you could lose your job if the boss finds out that you're talking about him/her. The other problem is that this kind of gossip can undermine your entire office, which could have repercussions in how others, including future prospective employers, see you. They could easily say, "If the boss is a incompetent, everyone under him is probably incompetent too.

Workplace Issues: Strategies for Dealing with Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

Even if you don't lose your job because you're gossiping about the boss, frequent malicious gossip can produce a toxic office environment where the group's dissatisfaction grows, festers, and feeds on itself, reducing morale and making it a very unpleasant place to work.

Some people gossip because they're bored or dissatisfied with their jobs. Others hope to form certain alliances among a particular group of employees while alienating other employees.

Gossiping might seem like a harmless diversion and it might bring about a certain temporary cohesiveness within the group where the gossiping is taking place. But there is usually a certain amount of suspicion within the group, "If he's gossiping about her, he's probably gossiping about me too." And, of course, this is often the case.

One situation that was not explored in the article is when employees purposely start a cycle of gossip as a way to intentionally sabotage an employee. If you happen to be that employee, it can be extremely difficult to combat this form of sabotage because you might not be able to find out who started it and you might not be able to control it due to the covert nature of the gossip.

When you're in a work setting where there's a lot of office gossip, it's hard to avoid. John Tierney's article suggests certain strategies if you happen to be part of a gossipy group and you feel uncomfortable.

One suggestion is to say something positive about the person being maligned. This makes it difficult for others to continue to talk negatively about that person. Another strategy is to change the subject, a subtle suggestion that you're not interested in engaging in this gossip. A third recommendation is that you suggest, in a tactful manner, that you and others get back to work.

Workplace Issues:  Strategies for Dealing with Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

In my opinion, one of the most effective strategies for discouraging office gossip is for top management to encourage employees to come forward with their dissatisfaction.

Now we all know that many managers talk a good game about having an "open door policy," but not all of them mean it. Employees quickly pick up on the disingenuousness of this, and it creates more bad feelings. But if employees see that top management is genuinely concerned and problems are addressed and resolved, this can go a long way towards decreasing office gossip.

But what can you do if the boss is the one who is gossiping to you about his/her colleagues, superiors or your coworkers? This situation is not addressed in the article. This is obviously a very ticklish situation where you may be damned if you do and damned if you don't join in the conversation with your boss.

Tact and diplomacy are essential, and you might suddenly "remember" that important call that you need to make to a client or the report that's due today, making it necessary to excuse yourself. If possible, you might also consider looking for another job before it's your turn to be the object of your boss's disaffection.

Whether we like it or not, gossip is a fact of life in most offices. Men and women both engage in it.

Learning to deal with office gossip requires tact and maturity as you balance your need not to participate with the reality that, for as long as you're in this work environment, you still need to work with the worst offenders of office gossip.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients deal with workplace and career issues.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing

Often, the way that we respond to a situation has a lot to do with our particular perspective and attitude about it. One way to help yourself to look at certain situations or problems is to "reframe" them for yourself. By reframing, I mean looking at the same situation from a different angle to come up with other creative points of view.

Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing

Here are a few vignettes that are examples of reframing:

Peg:
Whenever Peg met Susan for lunch, she would feel so annoyed because Susan was habitually 15 minutes late. Peg would sit and fume, thinking about how busy she was and all the things that she needed to do, and here she was sitting and waiting for Susan.

One the one hand, she felt like she was wasting her time waiting for Susan when she could be taking care of some of these other things. On the other hand, she also liked Susan very much and she didn't want to give up their lunches together because of Susan's problem with lateness.

One day, as she hesitated to pick up the phone to invite Susan to a lunch that she was sure Susan would be late for by 15 minutes, she decided that she needed to find another way to deal with this problem. She knew that she didn't have the power to change Susan, nor did she want to.

So, she thought about what change she could make, without giving up their friendship, where she could feel that her needs were being met. That's when an idea popped into her head: Instead of sitting and fuming about all the things that she needed to do, she could bring some of those things along with her and take care of them while she waited for Susan.

Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing

It seemed so simple that Peg couldn't believe she had not thought of this before. So, the next time that she met Susan, Peg brought her checkbook and some of her bills with her as well as her Blackberry to respond to email. When Susan arrived 15 minutes late, as usual, Peg felt that she had taken care of what she needed to do for herself and she could now relax and enjoy Susan's company instead of being distracted with her own annoyance and impatience. What Peg did was take a situation that was normally annoying to her and reframed it for herself into a time when she could do some things for herself.

Linda:
Linda was a receptionist in a small firm. She had worked there for many years. One of her duties was to keep the daily appointment calendar listing clients who were coming to visit managers. She had never become accustomed to using the computer to keep track of these appointments, relying on a basic appointment book instead.

Linda was extremely meticulous about this appointment book. Her supervisor thought she was meticulous to a fault. In fact, Linda was a perfectionist. She hated it whenever anyone crossed out names in the book or when there was any kind of messiness.

She would sometimes scold the managers if they crossed out anything in the book, but she refused to write in pencil. She had very set ideas about what was appropriate and what was not. Her supervisor spoke to her a few times about trying to be more flexible in her approach and warned her that if she continued to berate the managers, she would be written up.

Linda decided that she needed to change her attitude about this, but she wasn't sure how to do this. Then, one day, one of the managers approached her desk and told her that one of the clients cancelled his appointment. Linda noticed that her supervisor was standing nearby watching her reaction as this manager crossed out the client's name in the appointment book. Linda held her tongue.

After the manager walked away, Linda's supervisor approached her and suggested to her that this could be a chance for Linda to reframe this situation for herself: It could be an opportunity to practice letting go of her perfectionism. Linda thought about it for a few minutes and the more she thought about it, the more she liked her supervisor's suggestion: Instead of getting angry and frustrated, she could use this situation to practice. After a while, Linda was able to reframe for herself what was once an annoyance as a challenge to change her attitude and, over time and with practice, her attitude did change.

Reframing: An Opportunity For a Positive, Creative Response
The vignettes above are simple examples of reframing. I'm sure you can think of many others where you can challenge yourself to reframe what is usually an annoyance into an opportunity to have a more positive, creative response:

• Getting stuck in traffic
• Dealing with a rude sales clerk
• Waiting for a train that is late
• Being placed on "hold" for a long time
• Missing a flight

With practice, reframing becomes easier to do. When we reframe our experiences, we use our creativity to look at the same situation in a different way. Reframing helps us to deal with stressful situations in a more effective way. Often, we can find a lesson that can be learned from a particular problem. The facts of the situation remain the same, but we reframe the issue for ourselves so that we develop a new perspective about it.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients learn to develop new perspectives to old problems through reframing.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.