How Do IFS Parts Work Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

IFS stands for Internal Family Systems and was developed by Richard Schwartz, PhD, in the1980s (see my article: What is the IFS Therapy Step-By-Step Process?)

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

IFS therapy is a IFS is a Gentle Evidence-Based Therapy that is called a parts work therapy. There were prior parts work therapies including Ego States Therapy, which was developed by John and Helen Watkins in the 1960s (see my article: How Can Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Be More Creative?).

IFS is one of many types of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?

I did my original training in Ego States Therapy while learning Clinical Hypnosis in 2012--just before I trained in Somatic Experiencing.

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

Most Experiential Therapies use clinical intuition, but each use it in a different way (see my article: What Role Does Clinical Intuition Play in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?).

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

To understand IFS therapy, you need to understand that we are all made of a multiplicity of internal parts. Some professionals use the term "self states" instead of "parts", but it means the same thing (see my article: Embracing Your Many Self States).

Clinical intuition in IFS therapy is the IFS therapist's ability to sense, track and resonate with the client's internal system of parts without relying only on the client's explicit verbal information.

In IFS therapy and other types of Experiential therapies, intuition isn't a mystical or magical superpower. Instead, it is the direct byproduct of an IFS therapist, who has in depth training in IFS, using their Core Self presence (see my article: Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy?

Operating from their Core Self, IFS therapists pick up on the client's somatic shifts, unexpressed and unconscious protective survival strategies and the subtle energy of the wounded parts of the client.

When an IFS therapist has done their own psychological work in therapy, their clinical intuition becomes a highly valuable tool for navigating their clients' complex internal systems.

They do this by:

• Detecting the Client's Hidden Internal Protector Parts: Intuition alerts the IFS therapist when a client says they're "fine" but, in reality, the client has internal protector parts that are trying to protect clients' by blocking access to the more wounded parts of the client to ensure safety. The term "protector parts" is another way of saying defense mechanisms, which is a term used in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy.

• Sensing Their Own Internal Somatic Sensations: The IFS therapist is trained to detect their own embodied experience, also called the felt sense. This might include a tightening in their chest or a noticeable shift in their own breathing. This usually mirrors the client's experience that is unconscious, so the client hasn't noticed it yet.

• Tracking Backlash: Clinical intuition helps the IFS therapist to foresee when she might move too quickly and an internal emotionally wounded part gets triggered if she doesn't follow the step-by-step IFS process.

• Recognizing a Sudden Urge to "Fix" the Client: A sudden urge to "fix" the client or push for a psychological breakthrough is an intuitive signal from the IFS therapist's inner world. Since this could trigger a backlash, the IFS therapist is trained to observe this urge within herself and refocus on her Core Self to work within the client's window of tolerance.

Balancing Clinical Intuition With IFS Therapy's Step-By-Step Process

While intuition can guide the direction of therapy, IFS requires a careful balance to ensure that the therapist is attuned to the client and doesn't impose her own assumptions on the client.

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

The following is a comparison of when only pure intuition is used rather than the therapist using her own attuned Core Self to understand what is happening to the client.

Note: The IFS Core Self application is the correct way to proceed clinically in IFS Therapy.

Intuitive Attribute: Pacing of the Therapy: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition (without IFS process): An example would be rushing to discover the client's wounded part because it feels open and ready to be discovered.

• The IFS Core Self Application: Slows down to ask permission from the client's defenses first. This is a very important step.

Intuitive Attribute - Interpretation: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition: An example of this would be identifying a client's part without feedback from the client and the part. 

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

• The IFS Core Self Application: Asking the client, "How do you feel towards this part right now?"

Intuitive Attribute - Somatic Tracking: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition: An example of only using pure intuition (without the therapist attuned Core Self) would be making an assumption that a client's tight jaw means they are angry.

• The Core Self Application: The therapist shares her observation with the client without making an assumption. Instead of making an assumption, the therapist asks the client how they experience the tightened jaw and what emotion or thought might be connected to it.

How Does An IFS Therapist Develop IFS-Specific Intuition?

• Doing Their Own Therapy: When I did my first postgraduate training in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy, we were all required to do our own three-time-per-week psychoanalysis for the four years I was in the program.  This was a very important part of the training, along with having three clinical supervisors, classes and seeing clients at the psychotherapy center as a Fellow of the program. A therapist's deep understanding of their inner world allows them to provide safe, effective and ethical treatment. It prevents their own personal biases and unresolved issues from interfering with the client's healing process. In IFS therapy, this means that a therapist maintains a healthy connection with her own parts to keep a clear and open channel for IFS-specific intuition. I will discuss this topic further in another article with regard to. the importance of all therapists attending their own therapy as well as working with qualified supervisors, especially when they are new therapists.

• Choosing Resonating Over Reasoning: IFS therapists are trained to shift from cognitive analytic tracking to somatic and energetic resonance in the room with the client.

• Grounding in Curiosity and Compassion: IFS therapists are trained to ground themselves in calm, curiosity and compassion which is part of the Core Self's 8 Cs (the other Cs are: clarity, courage, confidence, creativity, and connectedness. Intuition can develop naturally when the therapist isn't striving for a particular outcome.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

As I mentioned earlier, IFS therapy is one of many different types of Experiential therapy (the others include EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, EFT couples therapy and AEDP.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been unable to work through a personal problem or if you have unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist.

When you are able to free yourself from your history of distress or trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Ego States, EFT for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapy.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Therapy: Is An Unconscious Part of Yourself in Charge of Your Life?

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy 

The Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy? 

In Experiential Therapy There Are No "Blank Slate" Therapists

What Role Does Clinical Intuition Play in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy is a type of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

Clinical intuition is an important aspect of all Experiential Therapy.

AEDP was developed by New York psychologist, Diana Fosha (see my articles: What is AEDP and How Does It Heal?- Part 1 and Part 2).

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

In AEDP, intuition acts as an important mechanism bridging the gap between intellectual theory and deep emotional healing.

AEDP privileges right-brain-to-right brain emotional connection over traditional left-brain analytic talking.

What Role Does Clinical Intuition Play in AEDP?

1. Therapist-Led Clinical Intuition: 

In AEDP, clinical intuition is defined as a direct, immediate and embodied knowing. It's not a random guess. 

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

Clinical intuition in AEDP is a highly sophisticated, unconscious pattern recognition developed from deep clinical experience:

• Moments of Rapid Clinical Intuition: Also known by the metaphor of the "blink effect", the AEDP therapist senses somatic and relational shifts between her and the client. This process bypasses left-brain reasoning. It allows the therapist to know the what, when and how to intervene in the moment with the client.

• Right-Brain Attunement: The AEDP therapist uses right-brain receptiveness to register the client's micro-expressions, shifts in vocal tone, and non-verbal somatic cues.  

• Deciding on Interventions: This intuitive state tells the AEDP therapist whether to offer comfort, share authentic self disclosure or challenge a defense.

2. Contemplative Presence

A therapist's intuition is maximized through what AEDP calls "contemplative presence". This requires a specific state of mind and body:

• Micro-Tracking: The AEDP therapist mentally tracks the client's verbal and non-verbal communication while simultaneously tracking her own internal emotional and embodied responses.

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

• Mind Emptying: The therapist empties her mind to remain completely open to whatever happens in the here-and-now.

• Mindful Awareness: The therapist roots her body with mindful breathing and physical presence to clear a space for intuitive insights.

3. Awakening the Client's Inner Knowing

The AEDP therapist helps client's to tap into their own intuition:

• Trauma and chronic distress often causes clients to disconnect from their bodies and second-guess their feelings. 

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

• By asking somatic awareness questions like, "Where do you feel that in your body?", the therapist co-regulates the client's anxiety and other emotions that might be getting in the way of their knowing what they are feeling.

• This allows the clients to access their innate drive to heal, which AEDP calls "transformance". With this process, clients regain their own intuitive sense of what feels healthy, authentic or "off" in their choices and relationships.

Summary of Differences Between AEDP and Traditional Talk Therapy

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy and traditional talk therapy have important fundamental differences:

Dimension

• Traditional Talk Therapy: Left-brain: Intellectual insight, rational analysis and narrative focus
• AEDP: Right brain: Intuitive focus, somatic tracking and emotional resonance

Therapist's Stance

• Traditional Talk Therapy: Neutral, observant, objective and technique-driven
• AEDP: Explicitly engaged, emotionally authentic and intuitively responsive

Sequence of Healing

• Traditional Talk Therapy: A reliance on insight and logic for changes in behavior and emotion
• AEDP: Somatic, intuitive emotional transformation occurs first and insight follows (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Intellectual Insight Isn't Enough).

Getting Help in AEDP Therapy

Instead of struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an AEDP therapist.

When you work through unresolved problems, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist who integrates many different types of Experiential Therapies to help clients to heal from trauma and emotional distress, including: 

• AEDP
• IFS
• EMDR, 
• Somatic Experiencing, 
• EFT for Couples
• Hypnotherapy

I am also a Certified Sex Therapist for individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a 10-15 minute phone call prior to setting up the first appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does AEDP Work? 

How Does AEDP Process Emotions?

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance AEDP?

Riding the Waves of Transformation

11 Ways to Become a More Creative Person

In my article, The Joy of Becoming More Playful As An Adult, I discussed how playing can help you to be a more creative person.  In this article, I'm focusing on creativity and things you can do to inspire your creativity.

Become a More Creative Person

Things You Can Do to Inspire Your Creativity

• Tap Into Your Unconscious Mind Using Stream of Consciousness Writing: In her book, The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron writes about doing stream of consciousness writing when you wake up in the morning.  She calls it the Morning Pages.  This process also goes by other names, including free associative writing.  With any type of free associative writing you're allowing yourself to just write down whatever comes to mind. You're not editing it or assessing it. You're just allowing your thoughts to flow. This will eventually tap into your unconscious mind so you can access your creativity. 

• Welcome Boredom: People usually try to avoid being bored by filling up their time with all kinds of activity, including spending time scrolling through social media.  But instead of trying to avoid boredom, embrace it.  People often get their best ideas when they're bored (see my article: How Boredom Can Lead to Greater Creativity).

• Use Your Dreams: Dreams can be a great source of creativity. You can give yourself a  suggestion just before going to sleep that you want creative ideas for a project you're working on. This is called dream incubation (see my articles: Dream Incubation - Planting Seeds, Embodied Imagination and Dreamwork and Working With Dreams to Develop Your Creative Imagination).

Use Your Dream to Develop Your Creativity

• Develop Your Intuition: There are lots of ways to develop your intuition. Many people use vivid picture cards, like Tarot cards that appeal to them or cards called Inner Active cards to stimulate their intuition which also enhances creativity (see my article: Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power).

• Spend Time in Nature: Even just a few minutes of walking in nature can help you to relax and open up to new ideas.

• Get Physical: Exercising helps to increase blood flow and oxygen to the brain. It also helps to get you out of a linear mode of thinking so you can tap into your creativity.

• Keep a List of Ideas: Whenever you hear an interesting or intriguing idea, write it down.  When you get into the habit of keeping a list of ideas, you give your mind the signal that you're open to new ideas so they can begin to flow.

• Watch an Inspiring TED Talk: TED talk speakers are usually inspiring and can motivate you to open yourself to new ideas.

Become a More Creative Person: Watch an Inspiring TED Talk

• Do Something New: Try something new--whether it's going to a new place, learning about a new culture, learning a new language, taking an acting class, telling your five minute story at a storytelling show, like The Moth, or whatever seems fun and inspiring to you (see my article: The Power of Storytelling and Being Open to New Experiences).

• Look at Your World With New Eyes: Instead of seeing your surroundings in the way you always see them, look at your world with new eyes. This could mean you walk around your neighborhood and look for things you never noticed before--a decoration on a building, a flower in your neighbor's garden you've never noticed before, an unusual looking tree, a bird's nest and so on (see my article: Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Just Take the Time to Notice).

• Practice Mindfulness Meditation: Research studies have revealed many benefits to doing mindfulness meditation, including developing a more flexible way of thinking. When you can think more flexibly, you can be more creative (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

Conclusion

There are many ways to tap into your creativity. It's a matter of finding what works for you.  

Sometimes people feel creatively blocked and they need to find ways to reclaim their creativity).  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're unable to get out of a creative rut on your own, you can seek help in therapy from a therapist who does Experiential Therapy, which uses the mind-body connection to help clients to get creatively unblocked.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working with a skilled experiential therapist can help you overcome blocks that are hindering your progress (see my article: Overcoming Creative Blocks).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Psychotherapy Session: A Unique Intersubjective Experience

Over time, people who are in therapy come to appreciate the uniquely private space of the therapy room.

The Therapy Session: A Unique Intersubjective Experience

Considering how busy most people are these days, other than their therapy sessions, many people don't take the time to reflect on what's going on in their lives and to get objective feedback.

For many people, the psychological insights that they have about themselves occurs in their therapy sessions.

The Privacy of the Therapy Session
In recent times, privacy has been eroded to such an extent that there are few (if any) other places where someone can come in and say whatever is on his or her mind in an accepting, objective, nonjudgmental private place.

Making Connections Between the Present and the Past in Therapy 
It's also a unique environment where an experienced therapist is trained to help clients to make possible connections between what is going on now and the past, and to begin to understand the many different aspects of themselves.

Most people don't feel immediately comfortable divulging a lot of private information about themselves at first.  It takes time to build a relationship with a therapist and to establish a rapport.

The Therapeutic "Holding Environment"
The attuned therapist creates a comfortable, secure environment for the client where the client feels heard and cared about (see my article:  The Attuned Therapist Creates a Therapeutic Holding Environment).

During the initial therapy sessions, it's important for the client and the therapist to each assess if they are a good "match" to continue to work together.  There aren't any specific steps for the client to determine this.  Mostly, I recommend that clients trust their intuition.

The Therapy Session: A Unique Intersubjective Experience

For the therapist, it's important that she work within the scope of her knowledge and skills.  So, if a client is looking for a therapist with a particular specialty, it's important for the therapist to reveal whether or not this is one of her specialties.

When it's a good match, over time, clients develop a comfort level where they feel they can talk about anything with their therapist.

Of course, there will be times when clients will feel ashamed to talk about certain topics, but it's important to remember that most experienced therapist have heard just about everything and, most likely, won't be shocked by what clients say.

Having a compassionate, skilled therapist and the time and place to talk about whatever is on a person's mind is a very freeing experience that is rare.

Many people, who are in therapy, look forward to attending their therapy sessions because it's such a unique experience where they have their therapists undivided attention and the time is dedicated to them.

Unconscious Communication:  The Intersubjective Space Between Therapist and Client
Clients and therapists often talk about getting into a particular intersubjective space that is unique to their particular therapeutic relationship (see my article:  The Psychotherapist's Empathic Attunement).

Within this intersubjective space, there is a form of unconscious communication between client and therapist that is particular to that client-therapist dyad.

As a result, there is more being communicated than the words that are being spoken.

There is also a latent communication that therapists, who are trained to work with unconscious communication, experience on a felt sense level.

Many clients will often talk about how they also sense this unconscious communication that is part of the intersubjective space between client and therapist.

Although there is always unconscious communication between people who are together, the unconscious communication between therapist and client is more focused than it would be between two other people and it usually develops over time.

When there is a good match between a therapist and client, it's not unusual for a therapist to intuitively sense what a client is about to say or for a client to sense what a therapist is about to say.

This is because this unconscious communication is "in the air" between them.

Choosing a Therapist
Thinking of the first session as a consultation is a good way to approach that first session.

Not only are you talking about your problems in a broad way, you're also getting a sense for whether you feel comfortable with the therapist.

You might not be able to tell in the first session, but after the a few sessions, you usually get a sense as to whether it's a good match.

For more information about how to choose a therapist, see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, see my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning How to Connect With the Quiet Place Within Yourself

In my last article, Discovering the Quiet Place Within Yourself, I discussed what the "quiet place within yourself" is and the various other terms that are used to identify this part, including core self, authentic self, true self, the center, and the inner world.

Learning How to Connect With the Quiet Place Within Yourself

I use these terms interchangeably.

I also discussed why many people have fears about spending quiet time connecting to their inner world.

In this article, I'll discuss some of the benefits of connecting to your inner world and also give some tips on how to do it.

Benefits of Connecting With the Quiet Place Within You
Among the many benefits of connecting to your inner world, you may find that you can:

• cope better with challenges that come up in your life 
• develop an increased sense of self awareness
• develop an increased sense of self confidence 
• make decisions and problem solve more easily
• de-stress more easily 
• develop greater compassion for yourself and others
• develop emotional intelligence
• become more intuitive
• go to this place as an emotional "inner sanctuary" 

Tips on Connecting With the Quiet Place Within Yourself
Keep in mind that, aside from the suggestions that I'm giving, there are many ways to connect with your inner world, including meditating, doing yoga, practicing mindfulness, journaling, and going to therapy (to name just a few).

If you've never attempted to connect with your inner world without distractions, be aware that it takes practice and, with practice, it usually gets easier to do.

• Start by finding a quiet place where you won't be interrupted or distracted (turn off your phone).  If you can't go to a peaceful place outside, just find a quiet place in your home.  If you live with family members, tell them that you'll need about 20 minutes to yourself.

• Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.

Close Your Eyes, Take a Few Deep Breaths and Slow Down Your Breathing

• Slow down your breathing.

• Relax as much as possible by consciously allowing the muscles in your body to relax and soften.  This can be done in many ways.  One way is to do a mental body scan where you sense into your body to see where you're holding onto tension.  Start from the crown of your head and go slowly down the rest of your body.  Wherever you sense tension in a particular area, imagine sending your breath to that place and allowing the muscles to relax.

• If you have a negative thought or an uncomfortable feeling, just allow it to come up and see it in your mind's eye as floating away like a cloud.

If You Have a Negative Thought, Let It Float Away Like a Cloud

• To sense into your inner world, focus on the area between your throat and your lower abdomen and just see what you notice.  Just notice what comes up, don't analyze it or interpret it--just notice it.

• Keep a journal to write down your observations and reflections afterwards about what you experienced.

Practice Connecting to the Quiet Place Within Yourself
If you've never engaged in any practices that put in touch with your inner emotional world, you'll need to practice this exercise in order to get better at it.

Learning How to Connect With the Quiet Place Within Yourself

Keep in mind that connecting to your inner world is a skill, so don't get discouraged if, at first, you have  a hard time staying focused, as many people do, or if you're not sure what you're sensing.

Many people who practice get better at it over time and discover that the benefits that they derive from connecting to their inner world is well worth the time and effort.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Discovering the Quiet Place Within Yourself

Being in a quiet, peaceful place where you feel a sense of solitude, whether it's in a park, the woods or by the ocean, can be a transformative experience.  Being in a peaceful place can help you to begin to connect to the quiet place within yourself.

Peaceful Places Can Help You to Connect With Your Inner World

What is the "the Quiet Place" Within Yourself?
Some people call this inner quiet place "the core self."

Some call it "the center."

Others call it "the authentic self" or the "true self."

Whatever you might call it, the quiet place within you is the place that is beyond external definitions of yourself.

Discovering the Quiet Place Within Yourself

It's a place that is beyond your usual identification as a parent, spouse, employee or friend.

That place is all that is within you that makes you uniquely you.

When you tap into the quiet place, you can experience a sense of stillness and connection with a deep sense of self.

Many people think of this part of themselves as being their intuitive selves and the part of them that is compassionate for others as well as being compassionate for themselves.

Why Do So Many People Try to Avoid Experiencing Their Inner World? 
In a New York Times article, No Time to Think, Kate Murphy writes about recent research which revealed that many people would prefer to keep themselves distracted than spend even a few quiet minutes to themselves.

According to this article, many of the people who participated in the research were so uncomfortable that they preferred giving themselves electric shocks rather than having quiet time to themselves.

According to Ms. Murphy, these people "just didn't like being in their own heads."

Why Do So Many People Try to Avoid Their Inner World?

One explanation for why so many people keep themselves constantly busy and distracted is that they want to avoid the negative thoughts and unresolved issues that come to mind when they have quiet time.   So, many people try to avoid quiet times at all costs to avoid uncomfortable feelings from coming up.

This avoidance, in turn, causes its own discomfort in the form of irritability, anxiety and insomnia, which leads to an even greater desire for more distraction.  So, it becomes a vicious cycle of avoidance.

How Can You Discover This Quiet Place in Your Inner World?
There are many ways to discover this quiet place in your inner world, including mindfulness meditation (see my article:  Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

Discovering the Quiet Place Within Yourself

In my next article, I'll give you some tips on how to connect with this part of yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Feel Comfortable With Being Yourself

There's a lot of pressure these days for people to look and behave a certain way--so much so that people often don't feel comfortable being themselves.  Many people get caught up in the belief that there's a certain way they're supposed to be and if they're not that way, there's something wrong with them.

Learning to Feel Comfortable With Being Yourself

What a dull world it would be if we all looked and acted the same.  One of the things that makes life interesting is that each of us is unique.

Here are some tips for feeling comfortable with being yourself:

• Stop Criticizing Yourself: It's bad enough when other people are criticizing you or pressuring you to be different from who you really are.  But when you're doing it to yourself with constant self criticism, that's even worse.  But you can learn to stop these automatic negative thoughts by, first, becoming aware of them and then making a determined effort to shift your attention away from your own self criticism.  You might become aware that you have "old tapes" playing in your mind from critical parents or other early experiences.  Try to develop an awareness that these "old tapes" are from then and not now.  

• Stop People Pleasing: Become aware if you have a pattern of constantly seeking other people's approval.  And, if you do, ask yourself why. Being considerate and caring towards others is different from constantly needing their approval.  When you tend to need other people's approval, you're placing other people first and placing yourself second. You're also giving them a lot of power over you.  Also, when you engage people pleasing, you're not being your authentic self.  You're accommodating others by shifting how you behave, which makes you come across as inauthentic.  There will always be someone that you're not going to be able to please, no matter what you do.  So, it's better to know what you want and need for yourself and learn to feel comfortable with that.

• Trust Your Judgment and Intuition: Unless you know that you have a history of using poor judgment in your life, trust your own judgment and intuition for yourself.  Most people have a "gut" feeling of what's right for them, but when they're not comfortable with themselves, they rely too much on others to tell them how they should be and what they should do. This doesn't mean that you can't seek advice from loved ones or from a mentor.  But you need to make your own decisions after you get their input.  

• Learn That It's Okay to Make Mistakes: It's inevitable--we all make mistakes.  But if you're so fearful of making mistakes that you allow yourself to stagnate, you're not going to learn from your  mistakes.  

• Develop Your Own Way of Being in the World: Part of getting comfortable with being yourself is getting to know yourself and developing your own way of being in the world.  Change is inevitable.  Who you are today is probably somewhat different from who you were 10 or 15 years ago.  And who you'll be in the future will probably change in some ways. You might experience yourself as being in a state of transition, which can be confusing or it can be exhilarating or both, depending upon how you deal with change.

• Remain Open and Curious: Remaining open and curious to others and the world around you will give you an opportunity to have new experiences and to "sample" new ideas and feelings.  You can take what you like and leave the rest, as the saying goes.

• Keep a Journal: Journaling about what comes up for you can be very useful.  By journaling, you capture your feelings and concretize them by writing them down.  This applies to intense feelings as well as feelings that might be fleeting. Journaling can be a way of dialoging with yourself.  Often, when you write down what you're feeling, you gain insight into a part of yourself that you might not have experienced before.  If nothing else, journaling can provide you with a release for your emotions, rather than keeping them bottled up inside.

• Take Action: As you develop an increased awareness about the tips that I've listed above, you can begin to take steps that will help you to feel more comfortable with being yourself.  So, for instance, if you recognize that you have a tendency to constantly seek others' approval, notice when you feel the impulse to do this and see what it's like to make an effort not to do it.  Notice what feelings might come up:  Do you feel good about resisting the urge to seek approval or does it make you feel insecure?  What other feelings come up?  Write it down in your journal.

Getting Help in Therapy 

There's a lot that you can do on your own when you're developing the ability to feel comfortable with yourself.  But if you find that you're struggling with low self confidence or shame, or it has become too difficult to develop a sense of comfort with yourself on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional, who can help guide you through the process.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also, see my other articles:

Developing Self Esteem and a Sense of Self Mastery

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes

Overcoming Codependence

Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power

When I was in my 20s, I had little exposure or belief in intuitive abilities.  But, one day a chance encounter with a friend caused me to question my skepticism about intuition and to, eventually,  explore how intuitive abilities can be developed in relation to creativity abilities.

Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power

My Introduction to Intuition:  Beatrice at Bondini's
I remember the day that I ran into a close friend on my way home.  I had walked from my job in the East 30s to the West Village and I was about to get on the train to go home.  As I was going through the turnstile to get on the train, my friend was, coincidentally, coming through the same turnstile on the other side. We both laughed at the timing of meeting each other this way in a city of eight million people.  When I asked her where she was going, she told me that she had an appointment with someone named Beatrice at Bondini's restaurant on W. 9th Street in the Village.

I knew of Bondini's Italian restaurant from a former boyfriend's mother who would rave about their food.  But I'd never been there and I had never heard of anyone named Beatrice there.   When I asked my friend about this, she hesitated.  Then, she grabbed my arm and told me to come with her to see Beatrice, who was a psychic.  I remember laughing and teasing my friend all the way there because she believed in psychics.  Her only response was, "You'll see..."

Since my curiosity was greater than my skepticism, I went along with her.  I thought I would encounter a woman with a turban on her head looking into a crystal ball, but Beatrice was an average down-to-earth woman who looked and acted nothing like I expected.  She had a room in the back of the restaurant, but she had no mystical props or crystal balls.

Originally, I had no intention of getting a reading from Beatrice but, once again, my curiosity was greater than my skepticism, so when my friend "volunteered" me to go first, I went along with it, not expecting very much.  Beatrice asked if she could hold an item that belonged to me, so I gave her a topaz ring that I wore everyday for the last 10 years or so.

Then, to my great surprise, without my uttering a question or a word or giving her any information, she began telling me, in detail, about the man I was dating.  Not only did she describe his physical appearance, his personality and how he interacted with me, but she also described the strong effect he had on everyone around him--that he charmed both men and women, so much so that he was often able to get away with things that most people couldn't have gotten away with.   I knew this to be absolutely true and had seen it many times.  (Fortunately, he wasn't a sociopath, so he didn't use his charm in any illegal or unethical ways.)

Needless to say, I was stunned.  She told me things about him that even my close friend didn't know.  All the while, I said nothing, so she wasn't pumping me with questions for information, as many so-called "psychics" do.  I didn't understand what was happening, but I was fascinated.  So, unable to resist, I asked her if she had a sense of our future as a couple.   She was very tactful and kind.  There was no drama or offer to sell me love candles or love bath.  She simply said that she didn't see us staying together.  Until then, everything she said rang true, but I thought she really got this wrong.  But sure enough, a few months later, we broke up.

While I was in my 20s, I went to see Beatrice a few more times.  I continued to be fascinated by her intuitive abilities and level-headed, no-nonsense approach.  Then, she was written up in New York Magazine, and it became difficult to see her without making a six-month in advance appointment because she became so popular, so I stopped seeing her.

Developing Intuition
Following my experience with Beatrice, I attended a workshop with a woman in NJ, who used her psychic abilities to help the police solve crimes.  She was also very down-to-earth and had a good reputation among law enforcement.  She made the practice of developing intuition for the average person seem like the most natural thing in the world.  I also read books about intuition and became interested in dream work.

As I followed my dreams, I began to have flashes of intuition, both in my dreams and in my waking hours. I didn't have any earth-shattering intuitive flashes about world events.  These flashes of intuition were mostly about my everyday life and the people in it.

Intuition for Creative Solutions
Over time, I came to trust these flashes of intuition to help me come up with creative solutions to everyday life situations.   I find that the more connected I am to my dreams, the sharper my intuitive abilities are during everyday situations.  I am, by no means, a psychic and my intuitive abilities don't extend beyond the ordinary situations that develop in life, but I've found that using intuition to tap into creative, problem solving abilities has added a richer dimension to my life.

Of course, the ability to use logic is crucial to living our lives.   But rather than being exclusively focused on only living a life based on logic, I encourage people to develop their intuitive side, if this is something that interests them.

Intuition and Dreams
One way to develop intuition is to pay attention to your dreams.  Not all of them will be intuitive dreams, but you might find that, if you write them down and make them a priority, you might get glimpses into your intuitive side.  Then, rather than being skeptical about intuition, as I was initially when I was in my 20s, if you remain open and curious, you might discover that your intuition can be tapped into to enhance your creative abilities.  I've included some resources below if you're interested in developing your intuition to tap into your creative abilities.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic  Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my articles:
Dream Incubation - Planting Seeds
Creative Imagination and Dream Work

Resources:
Embodiment: Creative Imagination in Medicine, Art and Travel - by post-Jungian psychoanalyst, Robert Bosnak
Creative Dreaming - by Patricia Garfield
Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming - by Stephen LaBerge, Ph.D.