Are Negative Thoughts Getting in the Way of Your Sexual Pleasure?

On a recent episode of the Sex and Psychology podcast called "Change Your Mind, Change Your Sex Life" the host, Dr. Justin Lehmiller and his guest, Dr. Kelly Casperson, a urologist, talked about how to get into the right mindset to have pleasurable sex (see my articles: Are You Distracted By Negative Thoughts About Yourself During Sex?, Keeping the Sexual Spark Alive and Women's Sexual Self Discovery).

Negative Thoughts Can Keep You From Enjoying Sex

Distractions Keep You From Enjoying Sex

According to Dr. Lehmiller, people are accustomed to multitasking more than ever--like listening to a podcast while you're driving or cleaning the house.  

Similarly, some people multitask in their mind.  But multitasking in your head while you're engaging in sex gets in the way of your being fully present in the moment sexually.  It keeps you distracted and affects your ability to be present with a partner or during solo sex (see my articles: Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions).

Negative Thoughts That Can Rob You of Sexual Pleasure

Similarly, your negative thoughts could be robbing you of sexual pleasure.

Here are some common examples of negative thoughts that get in the way of sexual pleasure:

• Having Frequent Thoughts About a Negative Body Image: If, instead of being focused on your pleasure, you're focused on negative thoughts about your body, you're not in the moment.  You're feeling bad about yourself and you might also be imagining your partner doesn't like how you look. Not only does this take you out of the present moment, it takes you into a negative mindset where you're feeling bad about yourself (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life? and Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?)
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Negative Thoughts About Body Image

• Dismissing Your Own Pleasure Because You Believe Sexual Pleasure is Only For Your Partner and Not For You: Thinking of sexual pleasure as being for someone else and not for you keeps you stuck in a negative mindset before you even begin to have sex.  These thoughts can be hard to detect because they often operate just outside of your awareness.  While it's good to want to please a partner, your sexual enjoyment is also important. 

• Distracting Thoughts About Other Things You Need to Do: If you're focused on things you need to do, your mind is somewhere else instead of being focused on sexual  pleasure.  These thoughts create stress which is the opposite of being relaxed enough to enjoy sex.  The reality is that whatever time you spend enjoying sexual pleasure probably won't make that much of a difference with whatever is on your to-do list.

Negative Thoughts About Your To-Do List

• Worrying You Don't Have Time For Sex: This is related to distracting thoughts about other things you have to do.  It's a common negative thought that gets in the way for many people.  To put this in perspective, think about how much time you spend watching TV or on social media.  According to Dr. Lehmiller, sex research reveals that heterosexual couples spend 15 minutes (on average) and lesbian couples spend about 30 minutes each time they have sex, so in the scheme of things, sexual activity doesn't usually take that long (see my article: Accessing Sexual Energy).

• Worrying About Not Getting Spontaneously Turned On: Everyone is different when it comes to sexual arousal. Some people can get turned on by just thinking about sex.  Other people, including most women, experience responsive desire, which means they need more time to get turned on--it doesn't happen for them spontaneously the way sex is portrayed in the movies. Whether you respond spontaneously or you're more responsive, it's all normal (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

• Focusing on Sexual Performance:  This type of negative thinking is similar to worrying about not experiencing spontaneous desire.  The more you can let go of thoughts about performance and goal-oriented sex, the more you can relax and enjoy yourself.  Rather than worrying about having an orgasm, reframe the way you think about sex to focus on pleasure.  Enjoy the moment rather than focusing on a goal (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Focusing on Sexual Performance Instead of Pleasure

• Worrying About Sexual Frequency:  A common negative thought involves sexual frequency--having enough sex or too much sex. Comparisons to other imaginary people who are "doing it right" becomes the focus. When you compare yourself to other people, you're taking yourself out of your own sexual experience. 

Feeling Guilty and Worrying About Sex

• Feeling Guilty That Sex is "Bad" or Wrong: Whether these thoughts are coming from your family history, religion, culture or some other source, if you believe sex is wrong, you're probably going to have a hard time enjoying it.  Maybe you don't really believe this deep down anymore, but you could have old negative "tapes" going through your mind that don't allow you to enjoy sex.  These thoughts can intrude on your experience.  If they intrude to the point where they take you out of the experience, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in this area.

The examples listed above are some of the most common negative thoughts that keep people from enjoying sex.  There are many more.

How to Overcome Negative Thoughts About Sex

The first step in making any change is usually to become aware of the problem because when the problem is outside your awareness, you can't change it. 

So, here are some suggestions about how to change a negative mindset to a more sex-positive mindset:

• Take Time Before You Engage in Sex to Focus on Sexual Pleasure: Instead of relying completely on a partner to get you turned on, focus your thoughts on sexual pleasure.  This could mean taking a few minutes to watch a sexy movie, read an erotic story or listen to music to get you in the mood.  It doesn't have to be more than a few minutes--just enough time to help you to transition from whatever you were doing before to what you're about to experience sexually (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Write Down Your Thoughts About Sex: Thoughts can be fleeting.  Writing helps you to become aware of and capture your thoughts (see my article: What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?).  How do you really feel about sexual pleasure? Do you feel entitled to pleasure?  

Write Down Your Thoughts About Sex

• Write About Your Sexual Fantasies: Most people have sexual fantasies and they aren't even aware of it.  They know they have erotic thoughts, but they don't think of them as fantasies.  Writing about sexual fantasies helps you to get into a positive mindset for sexual pleasure (see my articles: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Write About Your Most Pleasurable Sexual Experiences: If you had pleasurable sexual experiences in the past, what were those experiences?  Write about what made them pleasurable (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 1 and Part 2, Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences).

• Become More Sensually Aware: You can experience sensual pleasure in many ways when you engage your five senses, including what you see, hear, taste, feel (tactile), and smell:

• Taking a bubble bath to relax and get back in touch with your body
• Smoothing on your favorite lotion after you shower 
• Enjoying certain scents that increase your sensual pleasure, like perfume or incense 
• Savoring a delicious meal to increase your sensual awareness
• Listening to music that relaxes you and puts you into a sensuous or sexual mood
• Listening to an erotic audiobook
• Watching a sexy movie

Becoming Sensually Aware

• Use Affirmations to Help You to Change:  It's important to think of making this type of change as a process.  It's a journey.  It's not a one-and-done event. Taking small steps often helps more than trying to change everything at once. Affirmations can help you in the change process in terms of becoming aware of the change you want to make and actually making the change.  Dr. Casperson mentioned that it's important not to get caught up in toxic positivity where you're telling yourself you have already made the change.  Not only is this unhelpful--it's also disingenuous.  For instance, it's better to say something like, "I'm working on accepting my body" instead of "I love my body" when you're really struggling to accept your body image.

• Become Aware of Your Sexual Motivation:  Dr. Lehmiller mentioned two different types of motivation when it comes to sexual pleasure: approach motivation and avoidance motivation.  An example of approach motivation is seeking love or pleasure, and an example of avoidance motivation is having sex solely to avoid your partner becoming resentful.  Approach motivation helps you to enjoy sex.  It can also give you a dopamine hit that is pleasurable.  Avoidance motivation takes you away from pleasure (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Motivation).

• Identify Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes: For many people it's easier to identify the sexual brakes (e.g., worrying about unpaid bills, incomplete tasks, etc) instead of the turn-ons, which are the sexual accelerators.  If you know what turns you off, you can often just reverse it to come up with what turns you on.  For instance, if you know that being tense is a sexual turn-off, then you can think about a relaxing activity that might help you to get turned on (see my articles: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Develop an Open and Curious Mindset:  Instead of worrying about what can go wrong during sex, get curious and anticipate what will feel good (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective By Reframing).

• Breathe as a Way to Tune into the Sexual Mind-Body Connection: Focus on your pelvis area and image you can breathe in and out through your pelvis.  Not only can this help you to relax, but it can also make you more sexually aware mentally, physically and emotionally (see my article: Learning to Relax With Square Breathing).

• Practice Mindfulness to Enhance Your Sexual Desire: Sex researcher Dr. Lori Brotto recommends practicing mindfulness as a way to enhance sexual desire (see my article: How Can Mindfulness Help With Low Sexual Desire? and Reconnecting With That Quiet Place Within Yourself).

Conclusion

Negative thoughts can come at any time--before, during and after sex.  It's a common experience for many people.  

You can overcome habitual negative thinking related to sex by taking steps to become aware of your thoughts and making an effort to change these patterns.

If you have been unable to change these patterns on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in sex therapy.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

In my prior article, I described the various forms of cognitive distortions that often create unhappiness.  In this article, I'm focusing on how psychotherapy can help you to overcome cognitive distortions.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

Psychotherapists are trained to detect cognitive distortions, which, as I mentioned in my prior article, include:

• Taking things personally
• Jumping to conclusions
• Catastrophizing
• Overgeneralization
• Fallacy of fairness
• Blaming or Externalizing
• Emotional reasoning
• A need to be right
• All or nothing thinking
• Filtering

Aside from bringing these distortions in thinking to a clients' attention, a psychotherapist will often help clients to identify the origin of these thoughts and help clients to change their pattern of thinking so that it is healthier and more effective.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

Sam
Sam began psychotherapy at the suggestion of his wife after they had another argument where Sam insisted that he was right and his wife was wrong.

Subsequently, Sam realized that they each had a different way of looking at the situation that they were arguing about and, as it turned out, his wife was correct, which disturbed Sam very much.

Sam told his psychotherapist during their initial consultation that he hated to be wrong because it made him feel "stupid" and ashamed.  Although he apologized to his wife, he realized that there were many times when he had arguments with his wife when he insisted that he was right and afterwards he realized that his wife was correct.

In hindsight, Sam recognized that none of these arguments were about anything important.  They were about everyday issues, but he had such strong feelings about being right and it disturbed him greatly when it turned out that he had made a mistake (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

He realized that his need to be right was having a negative impact on his marriage, and he feared that if he didn't overcome this problem, his marriage might not survive.

During his next therapy session, Sam revealed that his need to be right started when he was a young child.  Growing up with two highly critical parents, Sam learned early on that they became upset whenever he made a mistake, especially his father.

Whenever Sam made a mistake, whether it was at school or at home and no matter how small the mistake was, his parents let him know that they were disappointed in him.  They would withdraw emotionally from him, which led to his feeling ashamed whenever he was wrong.

As a result, whenever there was a possibility of Sam being wrong, he would become highly anxious because he didn't want to make his parents unhappy.  He especially didn't want them to withdraw from him emotionally.

Since his childhood, he felt it was unacceptable for him to be wrong.  Logically, he understood that everyone makes mistakes but, on an emotionally level, he would panic if he thought there was even a possibility of being wrong or making a mistake.

Rather than admit that he might be wrong or he might have made a mistake, he would insist that he was right.  It was like a knee jerk reaction that he had, which was preferable to him than considering the possibility that he might be wrong and all that this implied for him.

This created problems for him in his career as well as in his friendships.  Now, it was creating problems between Sam and his wife because she was fed up with it.

Over time, Sam's psychotherapist helped Sam to recognize that panicky feeling by helping him to be aware of what he was feeling physically in his body at those times.

At first, Sam had difficulty with this because he wasn't accustomed to identify where he felt emotions in his body.  But, over time, using the mind-body connection and a recent memory of having an argument with his wife when he insisted that he was right, Sam's therapist helped him to identify that he felt panic in his stomach.

As time went on, Sam's therapist helped him to make the emotional connection between his current panic and how anxious he felt as a child whenever his parents criticized him for his mistakes.

Sam and his therapist also used EMDR therapy to work through his childhood trauma.

Since EMDR therapy addresses the past, present and future, eventually, Sam was able to work through the past and tolerate being wrong in the present with his wife and others.  He no longer had the need to insist that he was always right, and he and his wife got along better.

Conclusion
Cognitive distortions can create personal unhappiness as well as problems in relationships.

The fictional vignette above addresses a particular type of cognitive distortion, the need to be right, and shows how therapy helps clients to work through the underlying issues involved as well as address current and future circumstances.  A skilled psychotherapist can address other forms of cognitive distortion as well.

Getting Help in Therapy
Even when you have insight into your distorted thinking, it's difficult to change these problems on your own (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through the underlying issues that created the distortions and help you to free yourself from a difficult personal history (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Become Aware of Distorted Thinking

Psychotherapy can help you to become aware of a distorted pattern of thinking, which could be contributing to your unhappiness.  Prior to beginning psychotherapy, most clients are unaware of their particular pattern of thinking.  A skilled psychotherapist can assist clients to change their distorted thinking (also called cognitive distortions).  In Part 1 of this topic, I'm focusing on the various types of cognitive distortions.  In Part 2, I'll discuss how psychotherapy can help to overcome cognitive distortions.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Become Aware of  Distorted Thinking 

Distorted Thinking/Cognitive Distortions
There are many ways that a particular pattern of thinking can create problems without people even realizing it.  These patterns are distortions in thinking and often begin early in life.  Another term for distorted thinking or cognitive distortions is errors in thinking.

Here are some of the most common cognitive distortions:

• Taking Things Personally:  People who tend to take things personally see others' words and deeds as being directed at them when they're not.  For instance, if your boss comes to work in a bad mood and seems annoyed, someone who takes things personally might think that the boss is angry with him.  But, in reality, the boss is looking annoyed because he had an argument with his wife before he came to work, and his mood has nothing to do with anyone else.

• Jumping to Conclusions:  People who jump to conclusions will make assumptions without having objective facts, and they will assume that they're right.  The example that I gave above about the moody boss is one way of jumping to conclusions.  

• Catastrophizing: Simply put, catastrophizing is when a person expects the worst in most situations. His fears are usually exaggerated without sufficient evidence for this type of fear. An example of catastrophizing would be if a person hears a weather report that indicates there will be 1-2 inches of snow and makes the assumption that there will be a gigantic snowstorm where he might not be able to leave the house.  The weather report becomes exaggerated in his mind and he becomes highly anxious when there is no objective reason to believe there will be a storm.

• Overgeneralization:  People who engage in overgeneralization often take one or two instances of something happening and make the assumption that this is how it is always.  For instance, if someone has a negative encounter with a postal employee at the post office and, based on that one experience, he says that all postal employees are rude.  This is an overgeneralization.  

• Fallacy of Fairness:  Many children grow up thinking that the world should be "fair" and, as adults, when they encounter situations which are "unfair," it contradicts their way of thinking.  Without even realizing it, many people carry this belief from childhood into adulthood.  This type of belief can be very subtle, and it's ingrained in our culture that if you are "good," good things will come to you and if you're "bad," bad things will come your way. As an example, someone who believes that he lives in a world where justice prevails might be disillusioned and confused when someone who assaulted him suffers no legal consequences because of a technicality in the law. 

• Blaming or Externalizing:  When people have a tendency to engage in blaming others (also known as externalizing), they don't take responsibility for their own thinking, feelings or actions.  Instead of looking at themselves first, they point the finger at someone else to avoid taking responsibility.  An example of this is when someone drives while intoxicated after having an argument with his significant other.  Rather than taking responsibility for using poor judgment by drinking and driving, he blames his significant other for "making" him angry.

• Emotional Reasoning: Emotional reasoning is when a person assumes that his thoughts and feelings are facts.  An example of this would be a person has strong feelings about a coworker and makes the assumption based solely on his emotions that his feelings are true without having objective facts (see my article:  Discovering That Your Feelings Aren't Facts).

• The Need to Be Right:  The need to be right involves a need to prove that one's opinion, feelings or actions are correct even in the face of contrary facts.  As an example, a person who needs to be right often won't listen to what her significant other is saying because she "knows" that what she's thinking is right and her significant other is wrong.  The need to be right goes beyond having a different opinion.  This person's shaky sense of self worth is based on being right.

• All or Nothing Thinking: (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

• Filtering:  Filtering involves paying attention to only certain aspects of a situation and not to others.  For instance, a person who tends to engage in filtering might only pay attention to the negative side of a situation rather than looking at the whole picture which includes positive aspects because the negative side confirms his opinion.  

In my next article, I'll discuss how psychotherapists help clients to overcome cognitive distortions: How Psychotherapy Can Help You Change Distorted Thinking.

Getting Help in Therapy

Psychotherapy can help you to overcome psychological obstacles that are getting in the way of your maximizing your potential (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist helps clients to overcome problems that keep clients feeling stuck whether it's related to a history of psychological trauma or more recent problems (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than suffering on your own, you could work with an experienced mental health professional who can help you to overcome your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Therapy Can Help You to Develop a New Perspective About Yourself and Others

In a prior article, Gaining a New Perspective in Therapy About Yourself and Others, I discussed how ingrained negative thoughts can impact the assumptions that you make about yourself and others.  I also discussed that therapy can help you to develop a new perspective.

In this article, I'll be expanding on these ideas and giving examples of how therapy can be helpful to overcome these problems.

Let's take a look at an example, which is, as always, a composite of many different cases:

Bob:
At the point when Bob came to therapy, he was having problems with his self esteem and forming new interpersonal relationships.

How Therapy Can Help You to Develop a New Perspective About Yourself and Others

Although he had a good career where he mostly worked on his own, he wasn't happy.  He came to therapy because he felt completely frustrated and wanted to learn how to develop better social skills.

Bob was in his late 20s and he was fairly isolated in his personal life. Although he dated occasionally, he had never been in a serious relationship.

He had a few friends from his college days when he was thrown together with other students at the dorm.  But these friends were in relationships now and he didn't see them as much as before, so Bob was pretty lonely.

He wanted to make new friends and have a girlfriend, but he didn't know how to go about forming anything other than superficial relationships in his personal life.

One of Bob's former college buddies, Andy, suggested that Bob begin therapy.

Although they rarely saw each other any more, they talked on the phone, and Bob used Andy as a sounding board. Andy helped Bob to see that his poor sense of self and his generally negative opinions about others were distorted.

Whenever Bob talked to Andy about a particular situation, he knew that what Andy told him made sense and he was able to develop a new perspective about the situation at hand.  But whenever Bob found himself in a new situation and he tried to deal with it on his own, he often misjudged the situation.  He recognized this in hindsight, but his recognition didn't carry over to the next situation.

As Bob talked to me about his family history, he recalled a chaotic household where his parents frequently argued and had little time for Bob.

Whenever he would try to talk to his parents about all the arguments they had with each other, they would deny that there were problems.  They would tell Bob that there was nothing wrong so that, over time, he came to mistrust his own judgment about what was going on.  He felt uneasy and confused.  He also didn't feel close to his parents, who remained preoccupied with themselves.

Bob grew up feeling uneasy around new people.  He was able to make a few friends in high school, but it was usually because other people made an effort to get to know him.

Bob did well in college academically and, once again, he made friends with students who sought him out.  He also dated a little, but he lacked confidence most of the time to ask women out on dates.

After he graduated, he developed a successful career.  Even though he felt awkward around his coworkers, created problems with forming work relationships, he had excellent technical skills.  So, his bosses tended to overlook his interpersonal shortcomings.

But trying to cope with his own lack of confidence and skittishness around others was becoming exhausting for Bob.  And, even though he made a lot of money, he wasn't happy.  He felt lonely and his life lacked meaning.

During the initial stage of therapy, Bob often seemed on the verge of leaving.  He knew, on an intellectual level, that it would take time to develop a rapport with me in therapy.  On an emotional level, he wondered if therapy was really going to help him and if he could trust me or any therapist.

Since Bob had never been in therapy before, I provided him with psychoeducation about therapy in general and, specifically, how I work as a therapist.

Over time, Bob started to get more comfortable in therapy and we began to explore the negative thoughts he had about himself and others.

Since he lacked trust in his own ability to understand what was going on interpersonal situations, he took a defensive stance and he assumed the worst about people as a way of protect himself emotionally.

Gradually, Bob was able to see the connection between his current life and his family history:  As a child, his family life was chaotic, his parents were emotionally neglectful with him.  Since he was unable to form an emotional bond in his earliest relationships with his parents, he had difficulty later on forming attachments with others.  And, since he was told constantly by his parents that nothing was wrong at home, he doubted his own perceptions.

There was no quick fix for these problems.  But, once Bob felt more comfortable with me and the psychotherapy process, we were able to use EMDR to work on the problems from his family history as well as the current situation.

We also used clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to help him to build a greater sense of self esteem.

After a while, as Bob developed more self confidence, he became less defensive about meeting new people and he began to socialize more easily.

How Therapy Can Help You Develop a New Perspective About Yourself and Others

Since he was feeling more comfortable around others, he no longer had the need to defensively see them in a negative light.  Therapy helped him to free himself from his history so that he was able to develop a new perspective about himself and others.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're having problems with self doubt that impacts your interpersonal relationships, you can free yourself from your history by getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their emotional problems so they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Gaining a New Perspective in Therapy About Yourself and Others

Ingrained negative thoughts can impact how you see yourself and others.  When these thoughts are longstanding and unconscious, you can make assumptions about yourself and the world around you that aren't true.  Understanding and processing these thoughts in therapy can give you a new perspective and improve the quality of your life.  This is one of the many benefits of going to therapy.

Gaining a New Perspective in Therapy About Yourself and Others

Let's take a look at some common negative thoughts:

About Yourself:
"I'm unlovable and nobody cares about me."
"I hate the way I look."
"I'm stupid."
"I never do anything right."
"Nothing good ever happens in my life."
"Nothing is ever going to change in my life so why should I even try to change?"

About Others:
"I can't trust anyone."
"Nobody likes me."
"Everyone has it in for me."
"Nobody ever gives me a break."
"People look at me funny."
"People think I'm ugly."

I'm sure you can probably come up with many other examples, but the examples above are some of the most common ones.

The Effect of Ingrained Negative Thoughts
One of the major problems with ingrained negative thoughts is that people don't question them.  These thoughts are so much a part of their unconscious mind and often buried so deep that people make assumptions based on these thoughts without questioning these assumptions.

Gaining a New Perspective in Therapy About Yourself and Others: The Effect of Negative Thoughts

This can lead to many problems, including lifelong feelings of shame and doubt about themselves as well as missed opportunities in their personal lives and careers.

A Reality Check on a Distorted Perspective
For people who might have some idea that their perspective might be skewed, asking a friend can provide a reality check.

By getting a different perspective, they're often surprised that the assumptions they've made are mistaken.

Gaining a New Perspective in Therapy About Yourself and Others: A Reality Check

This can be very helpful in a particular situation, but for people who have an ingrained pattern of negative thinking, it often doesn't have a generalizable effect.  In other words, it can help with the situation at hand, but it might not help the next time it comes up or in another situation.

It also doesn't get to the root of the problem or help them to recognize what's causing them to think this way or, most importantly, how to change.

In a future article, I'll discuss more about how therapy can give you a new perspective about yourself and others.

Getting Help in Therapy
People who get help in therapy for negative thinking are often relieved to be able to let go of their negative assumptions about themselves and others.

They have an opportunity for a new and more positive perspective.  They also have a better possibility of understanding themselves and others.

They learn to feel better about themselves.  They also learn to have better relationships in their personal lives and in their careers.

If you feel that the way you think is having a negative impact on your life, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise with this problem.

Getting help in therapy could be the beginning of lifting a big burden off your shoulders.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:
Coping With Changes in How You See Yourself

Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?

Negative self talk can become so automatic and persistent that you don't even realize that you're sabotaging your own efforts by giving yourself negative messages.  When negative self talk becomes so habitual, the more you engage in it, the more you reinforce this negativity.

Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?

What is Negative Self Talk?
Everyone has his or her own version of negative self talk.

Some people compare themselves to others unfavorably to others and then tell themselves that that they could never measure up to these other people.

Here are some examples:

• Comparing yourself to pictures of models in magazines and then berating yourself for being overweight or being as attractive as the models
• Comparing how much money you make to other people's high income, and telling yourself that you'll never have financial success
• Comparing other people's success and telling yourself that you'll never amount to anything

Aside from comparing yourself unfavorably to others, there are many other kinds of negative self talk that can act as an saboteur:

• Criticizing yourself when your efforts don't bring success immediately rather than trying again
• Telling yourself that you're unlovable or worthless
• Telling yourself that you're stupid

And so on

Where Does This Negative Self Talk Come From?
For many people, negative self talk starts in their family of origin.  If they had a critical parent when they were growing up, they internalized these negative messages.  Then, as adults, they continued to give themselves the same messages--often without even realizing it.

How Can You Change Negative Self Talk?

• Becoming More Self Reflective and Aware

The first step to changing negative self talk is to become aware that you're doing it.   In order to become more aware, you need to become more self reflective and begin to pay attention to your internal self talk.

Do you offer yourself encouragement or discouragement?

Step back and observe yourself.

If you realize that you've developed a persistent habit of being self critical, you need to also be aware that this habit is an obstacle in your path.

• Admitting to Yourself that Your Negative Self Talk is a Problem

Once you've become aware of your problem, the next step is to start making the connection between your negative self talk and the consequences that it has had in your life.

While external factors might play a role in your feeling stuck, in order to change, you need to also admit to yourself that you're sabotaging yourself.

• Taking Action to Change

Once you've become aware and admit to yourself that your persistent negative self talk has become an obstacle for you, you need to take action to change.  Awareness alone, although a very important first step, isn't enough.

Begin to challenge yourself, whenever you engage in negative self talk, as if you were someone else questioning your own negativity.  Ask yourself for objective evidence that what you're telling yourself is true.  Engage in your own internal debate.

Ask yourself what a good friend, who knows you well, might tell you.

"Act as if" the negative self talk isn't true.  So, for instance, if you're telling yourself that you'll never be able to complete a project for work, acknowledge that this is how you're feeling, but put that aside and act as if you can.

In my opinion, "acting as if" is different from "fake it 'til you make it" because by"acting as if," you'll eventual discover that you're not faking it at all--you're really doing it.

By "acting as if," you're opening yourself up to new possibilities both within yourself as well as in external your world.

Getting Help in Therapy
If these tips for overcoming negative self talk don't work for you, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

For many people, negative self talk is linked to childhood trauma where there was emotional and/or physical abuse.  As a result, the trauma keeps getting triggered in their lives now as an adult and often shows up in negative self talk.

There are licensed psychotherapists who specialize in providing therapy to overcome trauma, and finding a therapist with expertise in trauma can help you to work through the trauma and also help you to stop engaging in negative self talk.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome the effects of trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Feel Comfortable With Being Yourself

There's a lot of pressure these days for people to look and behave a certain way--so much so that people often don't feel comfortable being themselves.  Many people get caught up in the belief that there's a certain way they're supposed to be and if they're not that way, there's something wrong with them.

Learning to Feel Comfortable With Being Yourself

What a dull world it would be if we all looked and acted the same.  One of the things that makes life interesting is that each of us is unique.

Here are some tips for feeling comfortable with being yourself:

• Stop Criticizing Yourself: It's bad enough when other people are criticizing you or pressuring you to be different from who you really are.  But when you're doing it to yourself with constant self criticism, that's even worse.  But you can learn to stop these automatic negative thoughts by, first, becoming aware of them and then making a determined effort to shift your attention away from your own self criticism.  You might become aware that you have "old tapes" playing in your mind from critical parents or other early experiences.  Try to develop an awareness that these "old tapes" are from then and not now.  

• Stop People Pleasing: Become aware if you have a pattern of constantly seeking other people's approval.  And, if you do, ask yourself why. Being considerate and caring towards others is different from constantly needing their approval.  When you tend to need other people's approval, you're placing other people first and placing yourself second. You're also giving them a lot of power over you.  Also, when you engage people pleasing, you're not being your authentic self.  You're accommodating others by shifting how you behave, which makes you come across as inauthentic.  There will always be someone that you're not going to be able to please, no matter what you do.  So, it's better to know what you want and need for yourself and learn to feel comfortable with that.

• Trust Your Judgment and Intuition: Unless you know that you have a history of using poor judgment in your life, trust your own judgment and intuition for yourself.  Most people have a "gut" feeling of what's right for them, but when they're not comfortable with themselves, they rely too much on others to tell them how they should be and what they should do. This doesn't mean that you can't seek advice from loved ones or from a mentor.  But you need to make your own decisions after you get their input.  

• Learn That It's Okay to Make Mistakes: It's inevitable--we all make mistakes.  But if you're so fearful of making mistakes that you allow yourself to stagnate, you're not going to learn from your  mistakes.  

• Develop Your Own Way of Being in the World: Part of getting comfortable with being yourself is getting to know yourself and developing your own way of being in the world.  Change is inevitable.  Who you are today is probably somewhat different from who you were 10 or 15 years ago.  And who you'll be in the future will probably change in some ways. You might experience yourself as being in a state of transition, which can be confusing or it can be exhilarating or both, depending upon how you deal with change.

• Remain Open and Curious: Remaining open and curious to others and the world around you will give you an opportunity to have new experiences and to "sample" new ideas and feelings.  You can take what you like and leave the rest, as the saying goes.

• Keep a Journal: Journaling about what comes up for you can be very useful.  By journaling, you capture your feelings and concretize them by writing them down.  This applies to intense feelings as well as feelings that might be fleeting. Journaling can be a way of dialoging with yourself.  Often, when you write down what you're feeling, you gain insight into a part of yourself that you might not have experienced before.  If nothing else, journaling can provide you with a release for your emotions, rather than keeping them bottled up inside.

• Take Action: As you develop an increased awareness about the tips that I've listed above, you can begin to take steps that will help you to feel more comfortable with being yourself.  So, for instance, if you recognize that you have a tendency to constantly seek others' approval, notice when you feel the impulse to do this and see what it's like to make an effort not to do it.  Notice what feelings might come up:  Do you feel good about resisting the urge to seek approval or does it make you feel insecure?  What other feelings come up?  Write it down in your journal.

Getting Help in Therapy 

There's a lot that you can do on your own when you're developing the ability to feel comfortable with yourself.  But if you find that you're struggling with low self confidence or shame, or it has become too difficult to develop a sense of comfort with yourself on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional, who can help guide you through the process.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also, see my other articles:

Developing Self Esteem and a Sense of Self Mastery

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes

Overcoming Codependence

Tips on How to Stop Worrying

In my prior post, we explored chronic worrying, some of the more common reasons why people develop the habit of constantly worrying, and the negative consequences.

Habitual Worrying
Let's explore how you can become more aware of your negative habit of worrying all of the time and what you can do about it.

How to Stop Worrying

The Serenity Prayer is a wise prayer to remember. The 12 Step programs, like A.A., have adopted it, but it's valuable for everyone to remember:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference

Know what you can change:
If there's some action that you can take to improve your situation, do it. It will empower you and make you feel less afraid of whatever might happen. If you can't change it and there's nothing for you to do, then there's no use in worrying. Rather than railing against what you cannot change, it's better to accept it (assuming that it's not an abusive situation) and make peace with it.

Designate a time to worry:
This might sound funny, but it's better than spending all day and half the night worrying. Make a deal with yourself: You can worry each day for 15 mins. at whatever time you designate. If you feel yourself starting to worry either before that or after that, remind yourself of the deal that you made with yourself and stick to it.

Ask yourself: Realistically, what are the odds?
Step back from your situation and look at it as if you're someone else. If you look at it objectively and you think that the odds are high that your worst fears will come true, what, if any, positive steps can you take to mitigate the worst case scenario? If the odds are low, ask yourself if it's productive to keep worrying.

Think about prior times when you became overly worried and things turned out all right
Think about all the times that you became a nervous wreck and everything turned out just fine. Did your worrying have any impact on the situation? What did you learn from that situation and can it be applied to the current situation that you're worrying about now.

Think about if you are engaging in all or nothing thinking
For instance, do you tell yourself things like, "If I don't get everything that I want in this situation, I know I won't be happy with it at all."

Ask yourself if you are catastrophizing
Do you tend to expect the worst case scenario most of the time? Are you blowing the problem out of proportion?

Ask yourself if you tend to take a negative situation and then generalize it to all similar situations
For instance, do you have a tendency to say things to yourself like, "My last boyfriend was a jerk, so all men are jerks"?

Ask yourself if you tend to allow negative thoughts to overtake you
Do you tend to see the glass as half empty most of the time rather than half full?

Think about what, if anything, you're doing to manage your stress
Do you meditate or do yoga? Do you participate in a regular regime of exercise that is right for you? Do you listen to relaxing music? Do you talk to supportive friends and family? Do you go out for a walk at lunch time?

Getting professional mental health treatment
If you've tried all or most of these ideas to overcome chronic worrying and you still can't overcome this habit, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional that can help you to work through these issues.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation with me, call (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  How to Stop Worrying: What is Chronic Worrying?

Overcoming Low Self Esteem: Watch Out For Negative Self Talk

When people have low self esteem, negative thoughts about themselves often come so much easier than positive thoughts. In part, that's because it has become a habit. Like any habit, it might take a while to overcome.

Overcoming Low Esteem: Watch Out For Negative Self Talk

Why do people with low self esteem engage in negative self talk?
There are so many reasons. Often, they have internalized what was told to them when they were growing up ("You'll never amount to anything" or "You're just as useless as your father" or "You're so stupid" or "Children should be seen and not heard").

After a while, no one has to say these things any more because people who have developed low self esteem begin to say it to themselves and, worse still, they believe it.

What to do to stop the negative self talk:
The first thing to do is to become aware that you're doing it.

That can be a challenge because it's so automatic. The other thing is that if you really believe these negative things about yourself, you can convince yourself that it's not negative self talk--it's the way it really is ("It's not a negative thought--I really am useless").

Overcoming Low Self Esteem:  Watch Out For Negative Self Talk

Learn to Observe Your Thoughts to Identify Distorted Thinking
Learn to observe your own thoughts and identify distorted thinking.

If you have difficulty doing this, ask a supportive friend to help you by pointing out (gently and tactfully) when they hear you engaging in self criticism. Someone else might see it more easily than you do at first.

The next thing you can do is to make an effort to change these negative thought patterns by stepping back, challenging yourself and developing some perspective.

Ask Yourself:

Do I really believe this about myself?

Is there even a small part of me that has a more positive view sometimes?

What might a more objective person say about it? If an objective person has a more positive view, can I practice trying to look at it from this person's view?

Could there be some other reason why things might not have worked out for me in a particular area (rather than thinking of yourself as lazy or stupid)?

What would I say to a close friend or loved one if they told me that they usually have negative thoughts about themselves? (Chances are, you would be kinder to your friend than you are to yourself.)

Getting Help in Therapy
If low self esteem is still getting you down, you might want to seek professional help. In particular, clinical hypnosis and psychotherapy can be very effective to overcome low self esteem.

You Can Overcome Low Esteem

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, please see my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.