Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals

Staying positive and focused on your goals, especially long-term goals, can be challenging.

Many people who made New Year's resolutions in January have already given up on keeping their resolutions (see my article: Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions).

There are many reasons why people, who start out motivated at the beginning of the year, lose their motivation after just a few months or even a few weeks.

Here are some of the primary reasons why people give up on their goals:

Having Unrealistic Goals
Many people have unrealistic ideas about what they can achieve.

New Year's resolutions tend to be about things like losing weight, exercising more or eating healthier.

These are all worthy goals, but the problem arises when people set unrealistic goals, like wanting to lose 50 lbs in a month.  This is an unrealistic and unattainable goal for most people and it sets them up for failure.

In addition to being realistic and attainable, you're more likely to succeed at accomplishing your goals if they're specific, measurable, relevant and time bound.

Engaging in All or Nothing Thinking
When goals are unrealistic and unattainable, people usually become discouraged and give up rather than recognizing that the goal was unrealistic and modifying it.

It becomes an all-or-nothing proposition for them (see my article:  Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

Having False Expectations that Accomplishing Your Goals Will Create a "New You"
The idea of people "reinventing" themselves is a part of the American culture.

We read in self help books and hear ads all the time that say that you can create a "new you" if you only lose weight, have whiter teeth or ____________________ (fill in the blank).

This cultural stereotype appeals to people who want a "quick fix" as opposed to people who recognize that change is a process that usually occurs over time.

Avoid False Expectations That Accomplishing Your Goals Will Create a "New You"

When people focus exclusively on external change without focusing on internal change, even when they succeed at their external goal, it's harder to persevere in that goal if they haven't done the psychological work that's necessary to maintain the process.

For instance, I've known people who had lap band surgery to lose weight.

After the surgery, they lost a lot of weight.  But if they didn't work on the psychological issues that triggered overeating, they often either reverted to overeating and got sick or they developed another addictive behavior, like gambling.

Allowing People in Your Life to Discourage You
When you have an important goal, it's important to share your intention with people who are going to be supportive of you (see my article: Beware of Emotional Saboteurs).

Emotional support to accomplish a goal can make the difference between accomplishing your goal or giving up.

Don't Allow Emotional Saboteurs to Discourage You From Accomplishing Your Goals

In an ideal world, everyone in your life would be supportive and encouraging.  But, as most of us know, this just isn't the case.

When you share your intention to accomplish a goal with people who tend to be discouraging, you're exposing yourself to their negative thinking and, possibly, allowing their negativity to derail you.

People who tend to be negative and discouraging aren't always doing it to sabotage you.  Sometimes, without even realizing it, they project their own discouragement about themselves onto you.

If you know you have a healthy, realistic and worthy goal, you have to become more self protective and talk about your goal with other motivated people who are doing positive things in their lives and want the same for you.

Allowing Self Sabotage and Negative Thoughts to Keep You From Accomplishing Your Goals
Even more detrimental than other people's negativity are your own negative thoughts that can creep in so easily, before you realize it, to discourage you from accomplishing your goals (see my article:  Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?)

Negative thoughts (also known as negative self talk) can be so insidious and so automatic that, before you know it, you've talked yourself out of pursuing your goals.

Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals
Remember that change is a process.

Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals: Change is a Process

Keeping a journal where you write down your progress along the way to accomplishing your goals can help you to stay positive and focused on your goals (see my article:  Are You Able to Celebrate Your Progress or Are You Only Focused on How Much More You Have to Go?).

Along the way, keeping a gratitude journal can also help you to appreciate all that you have to be grateful for throughout the process of working on your goals.

Getting Help in Therapy
It can be challenging to stay positive and focused on your goals even under the best of circumstances, but if you have a history of emotional trauma or there are other psychological issues that are creating obstacles for you, it's even harder.

If you realize that psychological issues are preventing you from fulfilling your dreams, you owe it to yourself to get help.

Working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping people to overcome psychological issues that create obstacles to realizing your goals can make the difference for you of being successful or falling short of your goals.

Getting help can lead to a more meaningful, fulfilled life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have worked with many clients to help them to overcome emotional obstacles in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?

Negative self talk can become so automatic and persistent that you don't even realize that you're sabotaging your own efforts by giving yourself negative messages.  When negative self talk becomes so habitual, the more you engage in it, the more you reinforce this negativity.

Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?

What is Negative Self Talk?
Everyone has his or her own version of negative self talk.

Some people compare themselves to others unfavorably to others and then tell themselves that that they could never measure up to these other people.

Here are some examples:

• Comparing yourself to pictures of models in magazines and then berating yourself for being overweight or being as attractive as the models
• Comparing how much money you make to other people's high income, and telling yourself that you'll never have financial success
• Comparing other people's success and telling yourself that you'll never amount to anything

Aside from comparing yourself unfavorably to others, there are many other kinds of negative self talk that can act as an saboteur:

• Criticizing yourself when your efforts don't bring success immediately rather than trying again
• Telling yourself that you're unlovable or worthless
• Telling yourself that you're stupid

And so on

Where Does This Negative Self Talk Come From?
For many people, negative self talk starts in their family of origin.  If they had a critical parent when they were growing up, they internalized these negative messages.  Then, as adults, they continued to give themselves the same messages--often without even realizing it.

How Can You Change Negative Self Talk?

• Becoming More Self Reflective and Aware

The first step to changing negative self talk is to become aware that you're doing it.   In order to become more aware, you need to become more self reflective and begin to pay attention to your internal self talk.

Do you offer yourself encouragement or discouragement?

Step back and observe yourself.

If you realize that you've developed a persistent habit of being self critical, you need to also be aware that this habit is an obstacle in your path.

• Admitting to Yourself that Your Negative Self Talk is a Problem

Once you've become aware of your problem, the next step is to start making the connection between your negative self talk and the consequences that it has had in your life.

While external factors might play a role in your feeling stuck, in order to change, you need to also admit to yourself that you're sabotaging yourself.

• Taking Action to Change

Once you've become aware and admit to yourself that your persistent negative self talk has become an obstacle for you, you need to take action to change.  Awareness alone, although a very important first step, isn't enough.

Begin to challenge yourself, whenever you engage in negative self talk, as if you were someone else questioning your own negativity.  Ask yourself for objective evidence that what you're telling yourself is true.  Engage in your own internal debate.

Ask yourself what a good friend, who knows you well, might tell you.

"Act as if" the negative self talk isn't true.  So, for instance, if you're telling yourself that you'll never be able to complete a project for work, acknowledge that this is how you're feeling, but put that aside and act as if you can.

In my opinion, "acting as if" is different from "fake it 'til you make it" because by"acting as if," you'll eventual discover that you're not faking it at all--you're really doing it.

By "acting as if," you're opening yourself up to new possibilities both within yourself as well as in external your world.

Getting Help in Therapy
If these tips for overcoming negative self talk don't work for you, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

For many people, negative self talk is linked to childhood trauma where there was emotional and/or physical abuse.  As a result, the trauma keeps getting triggered in their lives now as an adult and often shows up in negative self talk.

There are licensed psychotherapists who specialize in providing therapy to overcome trauma, and finding a therapist with expertise in trauma can help you to work through the trauma and also help you to stop engaging in negative self talk.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome the effects of trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Beware of Emotional Saboteurs

Most of us have had the experience of being excited about a new idea or project, telling a friend or family member and having them douse our ideas with ice water before we've even gotten our ideas off the ground. Often, because the ideas are new for us, this could be enough to discourage us and tap into old feelings of inadequacy. There's nothing like an emotional saboteur to stop you in your tracks and make you doubt yourself to the point that you give up on your ideas.

What Are Emotional Saboteurs?
Emotional saboteurs come in all shapes and sizes, and there are both internal and external emotional saboteurs. This article will focus primarily on external saboteurs, but it's important to recognize that we have our own internal saboteurs that can get triggered by external saboteurs.

Beware of Emotional Saboteurs

External Emotional Saboteurs - The Anxious Saboteur:
External emotional saboteurs are often well meaning. On a conscious level, they often don't really mean to discourage us but, due to their own feelings of inadequacy or their own fears, they do just that. When we share our enthusiasm for a new idea with them, they become anxious. 

Without realizing it, they begin to find all kinds of reasons why our ideas won't work. On a conscious level, they might feel that they're protecting us from failure or from taking a risk. Often, they try to live their lives as carefully as possible, taking as few risks as possible. So that when they hear you talk about something that might involve a degree of risk, it's like an alarm goes off in their heads that says "Warning! Danger ahead!" and they want to spare you of what they perceive as a bad idea.

External Emotional Saboteurs: The Pessimist:
Another type of emotional saboteur is the person who is very pessimistic about almost everything. He or she can always find "the downside" to any idea or situation. If there is even one possibility in 1,000 that something could go wrong, this person will dwell on this one possibility and try to convince you not to go forward. They have all kinds of stories about people who tried the same thing and it never worked or they suffered some horrible fate. Since they are pessimists at heart, they almost never try anything that is new or risky.

External Emotional Saboteurs: The Office "Jungle Fighter":
Then, there are the emotional saboteurs who knowingly try to discourage you from any new creative endeavors. They might engage in emotional sabotage because they're envious or maybe they're competitive and wish they had come up with your idea. 

It's not unusual to find this type of emotional saboteur in the workplace. No sooner have they discouraged you from proceeding with your idea or project than they are talking it up with the boss as if it was their idea. When you find these emotional saboteurs in the workplace, they're like "jungle fighters," manipulative and cunning. They find insidious ways to discourage you and tap into your insecurities. For the more extreme types in this category, there's something sociopathic about them. They are only motivated by self interest and lacking in empathy for anyone else.

External Emotional Saboteurs: The "Expert":
In our enthusiasm to gather information about the ideas that we might want to pursue, we often consult with an "expert" in the field. This could be someone who has many years of valuable experience in the particular area that we're interested in.

Let's say, for instance, that you're thinking about writing a book. You might consult with an established writer or publisher or someone else in the field who has particular expertise in the area that you're interested in. 

If you choose the right person, you'll get balanced advice on your particular endeavor. You come away with valuable information that you can use to decide how to proceed. But if you choose someone who happens to be an emotional saboteur by nature, their "expert" opinion might be very discouraging. You might hear about how books are not selling due to the recession or that other people have written about the topic that you're interested in and they failed, and so on. 

This person might not be someone who can think "outside the box" and, for example, he or she might not give you ideas about self publishing. They've "been there," "done that" and they try to discourage you from going forward with your idea.

How to Distinguish People Who Give Sound Advice from Emotional Saboteurs:
When we're at the very beginning of a creative process, we're most vulnerable to emotional saboteurs. We have our hopes and dreams and, due to our enthusiasm and naivete, we can go to the wrong person who can dash our hopes before we even get our project off the ground. I often wonder how many writers, artists, dancers, or people in other areas have been discouraged by emotional saboteurs and abandon their ideas.

But how do we distinguish between people who are emotional saboteurs from people who might be giving us sound advice? It's often tricky to tell the difference. A lot depends on your own judgement about the person and the situation. 

So, for instance, if you're thinking of jumping into some get-rich-quick scheme or you're about to be, unwittingly, pulled into a scam, you want someone who is level headed to give you advice or share their own experiences with you to keep you from doing something that is foolhardy. Before you invest your hard earned money in some scheme that sounds too good to be true, you want to be able to listen to balanced advice with an open mind and consider that they might be right before you do something that is potentially harmful to you or your loved ones.

We Often Know, On Some Level, Who Will Be An Emotional Saboteur:
In my opinion, if we know the people that we're going to for advice, on some level, we often know who will be unnecessarily discouraging and who will be even handed with our new ideas. Why we would go to someone that we know would discourage us is a big topic for another article. Sometimes, on an unconscious level, a part of us feels inadequate and, without realizing it, we look to others to confirm our own sense of inadequacy. So, if this is your pattern, it's important to recognize this and learn to stop doing it.

Before you seek advice on new creative endeavors, it's important to think carefully about who you go to for advice. Sometimes, in the early stages of a new project, if you're sure that you want to pursue it and you have a chance for success, you have to use your discernment about who you talk to about it.

I'm not talking about being paranoid. I'm talking about protecting your new, sometimes not quite formed ideas from people who tend to be discouraging. Like the first tender shoots of a plant peeking through the ground, you don't want emotional saboteurs drowning your new ideas with their negativity. You might want to give your ideas a chance to germinate and grow for a while and gain more self confidence about them before you expose them to people who might tap into your own insecurities about them.

I don't know how many times I've heard people say that they started a writing project and gave it to friends to read and comment on only to have their friends criticize and tear it apart with no positive feedback or encouragement at all. Often, the writer will then either tear up the writing or shove it in a drawer never to see the light of day again, saying to him or herself, "I don't know what I was thinking when I thought I could write." After someone has had this type of discouragement time and time again, it's difficult to undo so they can get unblocked creatively and work again.

Psychotherapists As Emotional Saboteurs:
It pains me to say this, but in my own field there are some emotional saboteurs. I don't think that most therapists mean to be emotional saboteurs. Often, they don't realize that they're doing it. Unfortunately, unless a psychotherapist goes through psychoanalytic training, they're not required to go into their own therapy to work out their own personal stuff. This is an area that I wish would change, but I don't see it changing any time soon.

Most therapists have been in their own therapy or at least have obtained professional supervision to be able to distinguish their own feelings and history from their clents' problems. But some of them have not. So, if you're thinking about going into therapy, it's important to ask about a prospective therapist's background. By this, I don't mean that you ask personal questions about a therapist's personal background--I mean that you find out what their training has been. Even with training and personal therapy, some therapists, who might have pessimistic personalities, might end up, unwittingly, discouraging you from worthwhile creative endeavors.

Once again, that doesn't mean that if you're in therapy with a therapist who is trying to help you to see that something that you want to do is self destructive that your therapist is an emotional saboteur. You might just have a blind spot where you're not seeing that what appears to you as a good idea could be foolhardy.

Internal Emotional Saboteurs:
Our own internal emotional saboteurs can be like old tapes that play in our heads that tell us things like, "You'll never be able to do it," "You're not good enough," "Who do you think you are?" Often these are based on experiences that we've had as children. If we've had many of these experiences when we were growing up, these old feelings are right there on the surface waiting to be triggered in new situations.

Using Your Judgement and Intuition
When someone is thinking about embarking on a new idea, I usually encourage them to be discerning, avoid people that, in their heart of hearts, they know to be emotional saboteurs, and talk to more than one person. Then, after that, it's a matter of using your own judgement and intuition.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I have helped many clients to overcome their fears and creative blocks about new creative projects.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.