What is a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset?

How we think about ourselves and the world around us, including whether we think in terms of a growth mindset or a fixed mindset, affects every area of our lives.

The Difference Between a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset

People with a growth mindset see abilities and talents as learnable and capable of improvement over time.

The Difference Between a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset

People who have a fixed mindset see these same qualities as stable and unchangeable over time.  

Someone with a fixed mindset who is considering becoming a business owner wouldn't believe they could develop the necessary skills and abilities they don't currently have. 

They would tell themselves, "I never had good business skills and that won't change, so there's no point in even trying."

Someone with a growth mindset who is considering the same endeavor would believe they could develop the necessary skills and abilities.  

They would tell themselves, "Even though I don't have business skills right now, I can learn and develop those skills over time so I can accomplish my dream."

A Growth vs a Fixed Mindset in Life

We used to think the brain stopped developing in childhood, but now we know the brain continues to evolve throughout the course of life so it's possible to grow new neural networks by having new experiences, learning new skills and expanding our knowledge.  

The Brain Can Evolve Throughout the Course of Life

Someone with a fixed mindset believes whatever they have developed already can't be expanded, but someone with a growth mindset believes there can be expansion through effort and learning throughout life.

What Are the Qualities of a Growth Mindset?

People with a growth mindset

• Believe their intelligence, talents and abilities can expand and improve by taking relevant action and making an effort 

• Believe in lifelong learning

• Believe they can achieve mastery

• View constructive feedback as a learning experience and a source of information

• Accept challenges

• Believe setbacks are a temporary phase before achieving their goals

• Become motivated and inspired by others' success

What Are the Qualities of a Fixed Mindset?

People with a fixed mindset

• Believe personal traits don't change no matter how much effort is applied

• Believe intelligence, abilities and talents are static and don't change

• Believe making an effort to change intelligence and abilities is a waste of time

• View constructive feedback as personal criticism and they often become defensive

• Avoid challenges to avoid the possibility of failure

• Hide the areas they need to improve because they're afraid they will be criticized

• Give up on their goals relatively easily

What are the Advantages of a Growth Mindset?

People who have a growth mindset  

• Experiment and try new things

• Develop a sense of determination

• Correct their mistakes along the way instead of seeing them as obstacles

• Bounce back from mistakes

• View challenges as opportunities

• Try new learning strategies

• Allow their accomplishments to speak for themselves rather than seeking approval from others

• Enjoy the learning process

• Utilize constructive criticism as a way to learn and grow

• Allow themselves to feel proud of their accomplishments

Next Article: How Can a Growth Mindset Improve Your Relationship?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Keep the Momentum Going in Your Therapy

In my last article, 4 Reasons Why Attending Sessions Consistently is Important For Your Progress in Therapy, I focused on why consistency is essential to success in therapy.  

I mentioned that motivation to change is what brings people into therapy and keeping the momentum going is how people make changes.

Keeping Up the Momentum in Therapy

What is Momentum?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines momentum as the strength or force gained by motion or by a series of events.

A common example of momentum is the snowball effect, which refers to the effect of events building on each other as a result of momentum. 

What is Psychological Momentum?

Researchers who study psychological momentum describe it as a perceptual force that changes human behavior and performance.

Psychological momentum is linked to the concept that "Success breeds success." 

Keeping Up the Momentum in Therapy

The concept of psychological momentum is often discussed in sports when a team is on a "winning streak." 

Winning gives the team the mental and physical power to keep going. While they're winning, they gain confidence and feel unstoppable.

In politics, psychological momentum often occurs when a candidate wins a string of political races, gains confidence and the perception that victory is inevitable.

What is Psychological Momentum in Psychotherapy?

Clinical Vignettes

The two examples below are both composites of many different cases.  

The first case shows how inconsistency and lack of motivation has a negative impact on therapy and the client's goals.

The second case shows how consistency and motivation leads to psychological momentum which enables the client to be successful in achieving his goals.

Jim

In an effort to overcome low self esteem, Jim began weekly therapy.  After a few sessions, he started cancelling appointments even though he had to pay for the cancellations.  When his therapist told him it was important to come consistently to make progress in therapy, Jim ghosted his therapist. He didn't respond to her outreach. After a few months, he started therapy with a different therapist and repeated the same pattern.  When his friend, Joe, asked Jim how therapy was going, Jim told him that he thought therapy didn't work.  

Joe

When he heard his friend, Jim, say that therapy didn't work, Joe was surprised.  He told Jim that he had been going to therapy consistently for a year and he felt he was making progress in learning how to be assertive.  He also told Jim that, at first, he had his doubts as to whether he would ever learn to assert himself but, over time, his therapy gained momentum and he was happy with the progress he was making.  

Conclusion

To experience psychological momentum in therapy, it's important to be motivated and consistent.

Many people start therapy with good intentions and then become discouraged when they have to put in an effort to make changes and they leave therapy prematurely (see my article: Why Do People Leave Therapy Prematurely?).

Eventually, many of those people return to therapy because trying to cope with their unresolved problems is much harder than doing the work in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

If you're motivated and consistent in therapy, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to build momentum to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from reaching your goals.  

Motivation, consistency and a willingness to do the work in therapy often leads to psychological momentum and a positive ripple effect in other areas of your life.

So rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their problems, including unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Strategies For Making Major Changes in Your Life

Change is hard, especially when it's a major change.  This is why so many people make the same New Year's resolutions every year and why many give up a few weeks into the New Year.  When you want to make a major change, it helps to have strategies to help you through the change process (see my articles: Preparing Yourself Emotionally For Major Changes, Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" and "I Won't" and Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life).

Strategies For Making Major Changes 

Strategies For Making Major Changes: Ask Yourself the Following Questions:

How Does This Change Fit in With My Core Values?

Ask yourself why this change is important to you and how it fits in with your core values.  This might seem obvious, but many people decide to make a major change without asking themselves this important question.

So, for instance, instead of deciding that you want to lose weight, ask yourself why you want to lose weight and how this fits in with your core values.  Rather than focusing on how many pounds you want to lose, ask yourself why this is important to you.  Is this part of a larger goal to improve your health?  How does this change fit in with the rest of your life?

When the change you want to make is part of your core values, the value of making that change is more apparent, and you will feel more motivated than if you have a narrower focus (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values). 

Am I Willing to Deal With the Challenges in the Process of Making a Major Change?

Major changes usually involve long term goals that you make a commitment to achieve and maintain.  So,  you need to ask yourself if you're willing to be in it for the long haul.  That means not getting discouraged and quitting when things start to get tough.

Being able to tolerate a certain amount of discomfort is usually part of making a major change.  So, for instance, if your goal is to save money to buy an apartment because this is an important goal for you, you will probably have to rein in your spending.

That might mean being more disciplined about how you spend money, which will involve some self sacrifice.   Without being clear that saving money to buy a home for yourself is part of a larger goal of feeling secure, you're going to find it more challenging to give up things you want for immediate gratification in order to achieve your long term goal.

How Will I Handle Setbacks?

Setbacks are a part of life for everyone.  Even highly motivated people experience setbacks when they're in the process of making major changes.  If you know this in advance and you plan for it, you're less likely to give up when the going gets tough.

In the long run, it's not whether or not you have a setback but how you handle that setback.  Do you give up or do you bounce back and recommit to your goals?  So, for instance, if your goal is to live a healthier life and that includes losing weight, do you feel everything is lost when you deviate from your eating plan?

The best strategy is to have a plan for how you're going to handle the setbacks that will inevitably occur.  One way to do this, rather than giving up, is to acknowledge the setback, learn from it and then start again  (see my article: Resilience: Remembering Your Past Comebacks to Overcome a Current Setback).

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people, who start with great strategies, give up because of unconscious negative beliefs they have about themselves that convince them that they won't succeed no matter what they do.  These unconscious beliefs often get triggered during setbacks (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

If you continue to struggle to make major changes in your life even when you have great strategies, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to discover and overcome the unconscious negative beliefs  that are getting in your way (see my articles:  The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist.

Rather than giving up on the things you really want in your life, you owe it to yourself to work with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from having the life that you want and deserve. 

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the obstacles that were keeping them stuck.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Email me.

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

Many clients start psychotherapy because they want to enhance their performance in their career or in their personal life.  Although EMDR therapy is generally known for resolving psychological trauma, since it was developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D. in the 1980s EMDR has been used in many other areas, including anxiety reduction, overcoming phobias, and performance enhancement (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and What is Adjunctive EMDR?).

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

Executives, actors, writers, singers, athletes, artists and people in many other situations seek help from EMDR therapists to overcome their performance anxiety and their related negative beliefs that are getting in the way of their success.

The following fictional vignette illustrates how EMDR therapy is used for performance enhancement:

Fictional Vignette: EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement:

Tom
When Tom's director told him that he was promoting him to an executive level position with a significant increase in salary, Tom was thrilled.  He worked hard for this promotion, and he was happy that he was being recognized by his director.

Then, his director told Tom that part of the new responsibilities would be to give presentations to the board of directors, and Tom felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

While Tom really wanted the promotion, he dreaded giving presentations--especially to the board of directors.  He suffered with a lifelong dread of public speaking.  Even when he was in high school and he was asked to address his teachers and fellow students, he stammered and trembled on stage.

Giving his presentation in high school was one of the most humiliating experiences of his life. After that experience, he avoided public speaking.  Even in college, he managed to get through without having to do a presentation.  But now he knew that there was too much at stake for his career and he wanted to overcome his fear of public speaking.

A close friend, Jim, told Tom that his son, who was a college basketball player, was seeing an EMDR therapist for performance enhancement.  His son tended to "choke" in a big game, which made him feel ashamed and discouraged.

Jim told Tom that the EMDR therapist helped his son to overcome his performance anxiety and build his self confidence, which helped to enhance his performance.  He recommended that Tom find an EMDR therapist to deal with his anxiety about public speaking.

Tom had never heard of EMDR therapy before, but he looked it up online and saw all the positive research about EMDR's effectiveness, so he contacted an EMDR therapist to begin therapy.

During the first several sessions, Tom's EMDR therapist obtained information about Tom's family history and helped him to develop internal resources.

Then, they were ready to begin processing Tom's fear of public speaking.  His therapist asked Tom to recall his memory of speaking in the auditorium in high school.  After Tom accessed the memory, she asked him several questions, including what his negative belief is about himself as it is related to that memory.

Tom thought about it and said, "I feel powerless when I have to speak in front of an audience."  He told his therapist that he wanted to feel confident and in control when he does public speaking.

Then, Tom and his EMDR therapist began the desensitization phase of EMDR.  While they were doing EMDR, they discovered that there were several other earlier memories that were related to the memory they were working on so, over time, they processed these underlying memories as well.

When Tom no longer felt anxious about his memories, they worked on the current situation and a future situation until Tom no longer felt anxious about speaking in front of the board of directors.

When his therapist checked with Tom to find out if he felt confident and in control about public speaking, Tom said he was very surprised that he actually did feel confident and in control.

The proof came a few months later when, in his new executive position, Tom had to go before the board of directors to do his first presentation to them.

Before the presentation, Tom was surprised to notice that he wasn't at all nervous.  He felt confident that he was the top expert in his company for the topic he would be presenting, so there was no one else who knew more about it than he did.

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

During his presentation, Tom felt confident and in control.  He also saw his director standing in the back of the room smiling and nodding at him, which made him feel even more confident.

Afterwards, the chief executive officer thanked Tom for an informative presentation and told him that he hoped it would be the first of many.

Conclusion
EMDR therapy was originally developed to help clients to overcome psychological trauma.  However, since it was first developed, EMDR therapy has been found to be highly effective for other types of problems, including performance enhancement.

The fictional vignette presented above represents one way that clients react to EMDR therapy for performance enhancement.  Of course, everyone is different and will have their own idiosyncratic responses.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with a problem related to performance anxiety--whether it relates to career issues, taking steps to improve your health or whatever anxiety might be getting in your way of success--you could benefit from EMDR therapy.

The complexity of the anxiety-related problem will be different for each person.  Some people can overcome their performance anxiety in a relatively short time.  Other people have more complicated problems that have roots that go beyond the current situation and would need more time doing EMDR.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EMDR therapist.

Overcoming your performance anxiety can open up a new world for you.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped clients to free themselves from their performance anxiety so they could go on to achieve success in their fields.

I also work as an adjunct psychotherapist for clients who want EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experience and who want to remain with their primary therapist 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself

Developing your own definition of happiness and success for yourself is part of an important personal growth and development process.

Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself

Throughout the different stages of your life, you could find yourself redefining what happiness and success means to  you as you grow and change.

It's not unusual for people to change what they want, especially as they approach midlife and reevaluate their lives (see my articles:  Midlife Transitions: Reassessing Your Life and Midlife Transitions: Living the Life You Want).

Sometimes, what seemed important at an earlier stage in your life becomes less important later on in life.

Maturity, life experience, losses, aging, surviving a serious illness and other important experiences can contribute to your need to reevaluate your life and what makes you happy.

The following brief fictionalized scenarios are examples of how people change their minds about what's important to them:

Larry:

Larry came from a long line of doctors in his family.  His great grandfather, grandfather, father and older brother were all doctors.  So, from an early age, his family urged him to follow in his family's footsteps to become a doctor.

Redefining Happiness Success For Yourself

Although Larry was interested in painting, his father urged him to forget about his artwork and concentrate on science and math.

Fifteen years after Larry graduated from medical school, he was a successful cardiologist at a prestigious hospital, but he was deeply unhappy.  Although he cared about his patients, he was disenchanted with all the changes in the health field and he longed to get back to painting.

Burnt out and at his wit's end, he began therapy to explore what he wanted to do with the rest of his life.  Gradually, over time, Larry realized that he allowed his family to dictate what it meant to be successful and happy because he didn't want to disappoint them.  And, although he was good at taking care of his patients, he wasn't nurturing himself.  So, he decided to cut back on his hours to give himself time to paint.

Once he began painting, he felt more emotionally integrated and approached his work as a cardiologist with a new sense of purpose and devotion.  He also began to think about spending more time painting when he retired.

Mary

Mary spent most of her adult life in banking.  She started as a teller and worked her way up to a position as a managing director.  Although the work was financially rewarding, Mary felt that something was missing in her life.  She was two years away from retirement and she found herself daydreaming about running a bed and breakfast in the country.

Initially, she pushed these thoughts out of her head because they seemed so far fetched to her.  But, over time, as this daydream continued to occupy her thoughts, she realized that she needed to pay attention to them.

Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself

When she approached her husband about it, he was surprised at first because Mary had never mentioned this to him before.  But the idea of moving out of the city, living in the country and running a small bed and breakfast began to appeal to him.  Their children were already grown and on their own.  With their retirement savings, they could afford to do it.

The main challenge for Mary was that, since she was in her early 20s, she had defined herself, to a large extent, based on her career in banking.  She was also very successful in her field and she derived satisfaction from being recognized as successful.  Retiring from banking and running a bed and breakfast would be a big change.

As she discussed her daydreams with her therapist, she began to feel more comfortable with the idea of making plans for this major change.

Martin

Martin spent his 20s working as a flight attendant.  Although he loved the travel benefits, he found the work uninspiring.

After a close friend died suddenly from a brain aneurysm, Martin began to reevaluate his life.  He realized that life is short and he wanted to do something that had meaning for him.   But he didn't know what he wanted to do.

Feeling lost and confused, he began therapy to explore these questions.  As he opened up to his internal experience in therapy, he realized that he wanted to help others.  Exploring many options by talking to people in various medical and social service settings, he decided to become a social worker.

Redefining Success For Yourself

Although giving up the travel benefits was hard, as Martin began his first internship in the social services field, he knew that he had made the right choice.  Working with children and seeing the difference that he made in their lives was the most fulfilling experience of his life.

Conclusion

These fictionalized scenarios are just a few examples of how people grapple with a need for change and a process of redefining what is meaningful to them.

These types of changes are often preceded with ambivalence and anxiety.  In many circumstances, it can feel like you're stepping into the unknown, which is why people going through this process often find it helpful to work with an experienced mental health professional who can help them to understand and work through the underlying issues, including deep underlying fears, that might be holding them back.

Getting Help in Therapy
Asking for help isn't always easy.  Anticipating change can also be anxiety provoking.

If you're struggling with your own definition of what it means for you to be successful and happy or you identify with one of the fictionalized scenarios above, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Working with a licensed psychotherapist, you can explore your own anxiety and ambivalence about what it means to be successful and happy, and overcome the underlying issues that might be getting in your way.

Seeing a licensed psychotherapist to help you to discover what makes you happy can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

In an earlier article, When Trust Breaks Down: Lies of Omission, I discussed a particular type of lying that can ruin a relationship, lies of omission, because it creates mistrust.  In this article, I'm focused on how lying can become a way of life where you're lying to yourself as well as to others, and along the way, you become more and more alienated from your authentic self.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

Most people will admit that they lie now and then. Most people say that they tell lies to keep from hurting other people's feelings.  This isn't the type of lying that I'm focusing on here.

The lying that I'm referring to often starts out of a deep-seated fear that you're not "good enough" compared to other people.

I'm not referring to what con men or sociopaths do for criminal activity.

What I'm focusing on is much more common.

It might start out by exaggerating certain things about yourself, like what you do for a living, how much money you make or other exaggerations about other aspects.

It can be a slippery slope from exaggerating to telling out right lies, especially if you get the attention and admiration that you might be seeking.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

In my opinion, there is more pressure today than in the past to be seen as "successful" and as a "winner" and, as a result, more common to present a false self.  As compared with 20 years ago, "success" seems to be viewed in narrow terms, mostly to do with financial success.

With the advent of social media sites, like Facebook, where friends are posting happy pictures of their relationships, their vacations, the purchases and even the food they eat, it's easy to feel envious and compare yourself unfavorably to others and feel you're not good enough (see my articles: How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others and Is Your Envy of Others Ruining Your Relationships?)

Comparing yourself unfavorably to others, whether it's on social media or in person, can leave you feeling like an "outsider"--like everyone else knows how to be "cool" and you don't (see my article:  Feeling Like an Outsider in an Insider's World), which can be deeply painful.  For many people, this feeling has it's origins in childhood when they weren't part of the popular crowd or they weren't picked to be on certain teams.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

While it's true that not everyone is susceptible to this pressure to "be a success," there are many people, who already feel insecure about themselves without this external pressure and who would rather lie to themselves as well as others (about who they are and what they have) than to be seen as unsuccessful.

Unfortunately, feeding into this problem is the popular notion, which is marketed in some motivational speakers in so-called self improvement seminars, that promote a "fake it till you make it" or "if you think you're a success, you are a success" type of mentality.

So-Call Self Improvement Seminars: "Fake It Till You Make It"

It's feel-good strategy that begins to create the lie for many people who feel there's something missing in them and they want a quick fix to eliminate their sense of inadequacy.

The problem is that there's a difference between a getting pumped up emotionally in a weekend self improvement seminar and doing the inner psychological required to make genuine changes within yourself.

The weekend self improvement strategy is appealing to many people because it promises quick change.  Unfortunately, it often leads to a receding of the genuine self into the background.

For some people the feeling that you're not being authentic can be so offensive and disappointing that it's enough to destroy the relationship.  This can leave you with only superficial friendships with people who are also lying and pretending to be someone that they're not.

How to Stop Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are
If you've been lying to yourself and others about who you are, it's not easy to change.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how you can stop lying to yourself and others about who you are.  Since everyone and every situation is different, it will depend on the circumstances.

How to Stop Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are

At the very least, you must be willing to overcome your fear that people won't like you just the way you are.  This begins by learning to like yourself.

In a prior article, Learning to Feel Comfortable With Yourself, I discuss various strategies that might be helpful to begin the journey of reconnecting with your authentic self.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've been caught up in lying to yourself and others for a while, trying to find your way back to being your authentic self can feel very challenging, and you might not know where to begin to reconnect with your inner world.

Getting in Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional can help you to understand the underlying issues that created the problem, overcome the fear that you're not good enough as you are, as well as help you to reconnect with your true self.

As you become more comfortable with who you really are, you'll be attracted to people who have more depth to their character than just judging people by their financial success or outward appearance.

Living in a more authentic way can be freeing and create an a positive ripple effect (see my article:  The Positive Ripple Effect).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome feelings of inadequacy so that they can live more authentic lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Achieving Your Goals: Learn to Celebrate Small Successes Along the Way to the Final Goal

In an earlier article, Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals, I discussed strategies for successfully accomplishing your goals.  In this article, I'd like to focus on a specific aspect of success in achieving goals, which is learning to celebrate the steps along the way to achieving your ultimate goal.

Achieving Your Goals: Learn to Celebrate Small Successes Along the Way

Staying Motivated
Often, when people are so focused on achieving goals, they only give themselves credit at the point when they have completed the goal and not for the interim steps that represent small successes along the way.

In order to stay motivated to stick with a big goal, rather than only focusing on the end result, it's important to acknowledge and feel good about all the steps along the way that add up to a big transformational goal.  

When you feel good about the steps that you're taking, you're more likely to stay focused on your goal than when you don't' attribute much importance to each step.

Let's compare two examples, which are fictionalized accounts of many people's experience of working on goals:

Mary's Story:

After her doctor warned her that she was prediabetic, Mary decided that she was going to lose 50 lbs with a combination of a change in diet and increased exercise.  She joined the gym and she also joined Weight Watchers and attended their support groups.  She also started therapy to try to understand what triggered her overeating and to develop better coping skills.

Achieving Your Goals: Mary's Story

After the month, Mary lost 7 lbs., which her friends, therapist and Watch Watcher peer group applauded.  But Mary was unable to accept their praise, and she was only focused on her end goal of losing 50 lbs.  She brushed off the praise by saying, "But I'm still very overweight and I won't be happy until I lose the 50 lbs."

By the second month, Mary lost another 5 lbs., and even though the people who were part of her emotional support system, once again, praised this accomplishment, Mary was beginning to feel discouraged.  

Even though her doctor told her that she was losing weight at a healthy rate and, if she continued with her healthier lifestyle she would eventually get to her goal, Mary still felt down because she wasn't "there yet" at her goal.

By the third month, Mary was still berating herself.   Even though she lost another 5 lbs., rather than using the coping strategies that she learned in therapy, she felt so discouraged and impatient that she had not lost the 50 lbs. that she stopped dieting and exercising; she stopped going to therapy, and she resumed her unhealthy lifestyle until she gained back all of the weight that she lost.

Betty's Story:

Betty's doctor told Betty that she needed to lose 50 lbs in order to avoid developing diabetes, which runs in the family.  Betty knew that it would take a while for her to accomplish her goal of losing 50 lbs and that it wouldn't be easy.  She knew it would be a process.

So, in order to stay motivated, she set reasonable interim goals to the final goal of losing 50 lbs.  Her goal was to lose 5 lbs per month over 10 months.  She joined the gym and Weight Watchers, and she also started therapy to stay motivated and manage the emotional triggers that caused her overeating.

Betty also made a plan that she would reward herself for every 5 lbs that she lost along the way.  So, after she lost the first 5 lbs., she treated herself to a massage, and after she lost the second 5 lbs., she treated herself to a day out with friends to see a play.

Achieving Your Goals: Betty's Story

Betty was able to take in the praise of friends and other supporters and allow it to sink in so she felt good about herself along the way.  This, in turn, kept her motivated while she learned to deal with the emotional triggers of overeating in her therapy.  

Within 10 months, Betty achieved her ultimate goal of losing 50 lbs. and she learned how to keep it off with the new coping skills she learned in therapy as well as the other healthy habits she learned in therapy.

Comparing the Two Scenarios:

It's obvious from comparing the two scenarios that Betty was successful in achieving her overall goal by:

• breaking down her goal into smaller, manageable parts
• seeing her final goal as a process and being patient
• rewarding herself for her smaller successes to stay motivated along the way to her ultimate goal
• being able to feel good about herself and accept praise from her emotional support system
• sticking with her plan, learning new strategies, making changes and not getting discouraged

We can compare this to running a marathon vs a sprint.  If a marathon runner started the race by only focusing on the end result, s/he might get discouraged before the halfway mark.  Being able to complete the race (or achieve the ultimate goal) means having a strategy to go the distance.

Getting Help in Therapy
Even when people know that they need to celebrate their small successes along the way, there are often emotional obstacles that make it difficult for them to do this for themselves, especially if they don't feel good about themselves.

Many people struggle with this issue, and everyone needs help at some point in their lives, so you're not alone.

Getting help from a licensed mental health professional and sticking with therapy can help you to overcome the particular emotional obstacles that are keeping you from accomplishing your goals.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to achieve their goals and live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcoming Fear of Success Linked Unconsciously to Fear of Being Disloyal to Your Family

Many clients come to therapy because they struggle with achieving successful completions.  This difficulty can involve almost anything from a writer's struggles to complete a story to a student's struggles to complete high school or college.

Fear of Success Linked Unconsciously to Fear of Being Disloyal to Your Family

Regardless of the particular issue involved, people with this fear often experience unconscious internal conflict about achieving a successful completion.  In this article, I'll address a particular type of fear which involves fear of success linked unconsciously to fear of being disloyal to the family.

Unconscious Fear of Being Disloyal to the Family
People who have this problem often blame themselves by calling themselves "lazy" or "stupid" because they don't understand the unconscious root of their problem.

There can be many reasons why a person struggles with internal conflict about successful completions. One common reason is an unconscious fear of being disloyal to the family.

Let's take a look at a vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, to see how this problem can play out in a person's life:

Ted
Ted came to therapy because he was having problems completing an article for a professional journal  that had a deadline which was looming over his head.

Overcoming Fear of Success Linked Unconsciously to Fear of Being Disloyal to the Family

When Ted first came to therapy, he couldn't understand why he was having such a problem completing the the project.  He was an experienced writer who had written many articles before.  But the difference  with this particular article was that his publisher told Ted that he had a chance to get significant recognition in his field, including lucrative speaking engagements, by publishing this article, and Ted felt more "blocked" than he had ever felt before.

It didn't make sense to him why he was struggling so much.

It was obvious that we weren't going to get anywhere in therapy by just talking about it, and there was no quick fix for Ted's problem.

So, I educated Ted about the mind-body connection and how the body can provide information about what's happening on an unconscious level (see my article:  The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Provides a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

I asked Ted to focus on where he sensed the emotional discomfort in his body when he thought about writing the article, and he was able to say he felt tension in his upper stomach.

As we stayed with the feeling and where he felt it in his body, I asked Ted to just see what images, thoughts or feelings came to mind.

As Ted continued to sense into what he was experiencing, he began having thoughts about his mother, who died several years ago.

At first, Ted didn't think his thoughts about his mother were relevant, but I asked him to stay with it and see what else came up.

As he stayed with it, he identified feelings of anxiety, guilt and sadness, but he didn't know why he was feeling this way.

Over time, in subsequent sessions, we continued to work in this way, and Ted began having memories of his mother struggling to make ends meet by cleaning other people's houses after Ted's father left the household.

As the sole supporter of Ted and his younger brother, his mother would often come home exhausted.  As a child, Ted had a very strong wish that he could do something to make his mother's life easier, but he was only 10 years old, so there was nothing he could do.

There were times his mother's employers, who had significant financial means, were inconsiderate of her and didn't pay her on time.  Sometimes, weeks would go by before they paid her, and she was too afraid of being fired to ask for the money.  This usually meant that she was late with the rent.

During one session, as Ted was focusing on his emotions and physical sensations, he remembered how, as a child, he felt such hatred for these people.  He was surprised because he had not thought about this in many years.

Then, Ted felt overwhelmed with sadness as he realized that he was "blocked" in his work because he now had a chance to get significant recognition, and possibly make a lot of money, and he feared being in the same league as his mother's former employers, the people who mistreated his mother.

Unconscious Fear that Success Would Mean Disloyalty to His Mother

Ted remembered that, as a child, he hated people who had a of money.  But, as an adult, Ted he knew better than to lump all people with financial means together as one group.

He also knew that he would never behave the way that his mother's employers did.  But, on an emotional level, he felt his old childhood feelings, which were that his allegiance to his mother's memory would be broken if he became financially successful.

As we continued to work together over time, I helped Ted to work through his conflict and to begin to distinguish himself on an emotionally level (as opposed to only a cognitive level) from "them."

We worked with this younger self using clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy) to soothe and calm the part of himself that became the repository of these old feelings.

We also worked to help Ted to "update" his emotional reaction to his dilemma to reflect what he now understood as an adult--namely, that being successfully would not be a form of disloyalty to his mother (see my article:  Working Through Emotional Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

We also worked through the grief Ted was holding onto for the loss of both his mother and father.

Over time, as we worked through his conflict, Ted became calmer and his ideas began to flow.    He was no longer blocked.

Ted became more confident.  He no longer felt that becoming successful would make him disloyal to his mother.

As Ted Worked Through His Emotional Conflict, He Became More Confident 

As he became more confident, he felt good about his writing again, and he began sharing his draft with his wife, who was emotionally supportive of Ted throughout the process.

Ted was able to complete the article on time, and he was able to enjoy the success that came with it without feeling guilty.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many clients come to therapy because they can't understand why they have problems with completions, whether it's completing a college degree or completing a particular project.

Often, by the time they come to therapy, their difficulty with completions has had a significant impact on their lives.

There can be many reasons why people struggle with completing projects or tasks.  The struggle often involves unresolved unconscious psychological issues tied to family history.

If you 're struggling with this issue, you don't need to struggle alone.  You owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise helping clients with this problem.

Working through this issue can free you from an emotional burden that's holding you back.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals

Staying positive and focused on your goals, especially long-term goals, can be challenging.

Many people who made New Year's resolutions in January have already given up on keeping their resolutions (see my article: Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions).

There are many reasons why people, who start out motivated at the beginning of the year, lose their motivation after just a few months or even a few weeks.

Here are some of the primary reasons why people give up on their goals:

Having Unrealistic Goals
Many people have unrealistic ideas about what they can achieve.

New Year's resolutions tend to be about things like losing weight, exercising more or eating healthier.

These are all worthy goals, but the problem arises when people set unrealistic goals, like wanting to lose 50 lbs in a month.  This is an unrealistic and unattainable goal for most people and it sets them up for failure.

In addition to being realistic and attainable, you're more likely to succeed at accomplishing your goals if they're specific, measurable, relevant and time bound.

Engaging in All or Nothing Thinking
When goals are unrealistic and unattainable, people usually become discouraged and give up rather than recognizing that the goal was unrealistic and modifying it.

It becomes an all-or-nothing proposition for them (see my article:  Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

Having False Expectations that Accomplishing Your Goals Will Create a "New You"
The idea of people "reinventing" themselves is a part of the American culture.

We read in self help books and hear ads all the time that say that you can create a "new you" if you only lose weight, have whiter teeth or ____________________ (fill in the blank).

This cultural stereotype appeals to people who want a "quick fix" as opposed to people who recognize that change is a process that usually occurs over time.

Avoid False Expectations That Accomplishing Your Goals Will Create a "New You"

When people focus exclusively on external change without focusing on internal change, even when they succeed at their external goal, it's harder to persevere in that goal if they haven't done the psychological work that's necessary to maintain the process.

For instance, I've known people who had lap band surgery to lose weight.

After the surgery, they lost a lot of weight.  But if they didn't work on the psychological issues that triggered overeating, they often either reverted to overeating and got sick or they developed another addictive behavior, like gambling.

Allowing People in Your Life to Discourage You
When you have an important goal, it's important to share your intention with people who are going to be supportive of you (see my article: Beware of Emotional Saboteurs).

Emotional support to accomplish a goal can make the difference between accomplishing your goal or giving up.

Don't Allow Emotional Saboteurs to Discourage You From Accomplishing Your Goals

In an ideal world, everyone in your life would be supportive and encouraging.  But, as most of us know, this just isn't the case.

When you share your intention to accomplish a goal with people who tend to be discouraging, you're exposing yourself to their negative thinking and, possibly, allowing their negativity to derail you.

People who tend to be negative and discouraging aren't always doing it to sabotage you.  Sometimes, without even realizing it, they project their own discouragement about themselves onto you.

If you know you have a healthy, realistic and worthy goal, you have to become more self protective and talk about your goal with other motivated people who are doing positive things in their lives and want the same for you.

Allowing Self Sabotage and Negative Thoughts to Keep You From Accomplishing Your Goals
Even more detrimental than other people's negativity are your own negative thoughts that can creep in so easily, before you realize it, to discourage you from accomplishing your goals (see my article:  Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?)

Negative thoughts (also known as negative self talk) can be so insidious and so automatic that, before you know it, you've talked yourself out of pursuing your goals.

Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals
Remember that change is a process.

Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals: Change is a Process

Keeping a journal where you write down your progress along the way to accomplishing your goals can help you to stay positive and focused on your goals (see my article:  Are You Able to Celebrate Your Progress or Are You Only Focused on How Much More You Have to Go?).

Along the way, keeping a gratitude journal can also help you to appreciate all that you have to be grateful for throughout the process of working on your goals.

Getting Help in Therapy
It can be challenging to stay positive and focused on your goals even under the best of circumstances, but if you have a history of emotional trauma or there are other psychological issues that are creating obstacles for you, it's even harder.

If you realize that psychological issues are preventing you from fulfilling your dreams, you owe it to yourself to get help.

Working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping people to overcome psychological issues that create obstacles to realizing your goals can make the difference for you of being successful or falling short of your goals.

Getting help can lead to a more meaningful, fulfilled life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have worked with many clients to help them to overcome emotional obstacles in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.