How Existential Anxiety Contributes to Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)

I began a discussion about Out of Control Sexual Behavior in two prior articles, What Causes Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)? and Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior in Sex Therapy.

Existential Anxiety and Out of Control Sexual Behavior

Although there is no one particular cause for OCSB, in the last article I discussed certain common contributing factors to OCSB such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and mood disorders such as depression and anxiety.  

Before going further, I want to emphasize that even though I'm discussing contributing factors to Out of Control Sexual Behavior, I'm in no way implying that people are unable to control their behavior or aren't responsible for their behavior.  Regardless of the possible contributing factors involved, each person is ultimately responsible for their own behavior.

What Are Existential Thoughts?

Basically, existential thoughts focus on the meaning and purpose of life and one's own mortality.  

For instance, people, who allow themselves to engage in these thoughts, struggle for a while with the aging process and thoughts of death.  But many of them eventually come to accept the limitations of their particular life, including death, and this acceptance allows them to find meaning and purpose in their life (see my article: Making Peace With the Aging Process).

Erik Erikson's 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development include the 7th Stage, Generativity vs Stagnation, which occurs during middle adulthood, which was originally thought to be from about the age 40 through to 65 (although with longer life expectancy, as compared to Erikson's time, many people believe that middle adulthood or midlife now extends into the 70s and beyond).

With regard to existential issues, Erikson's 7th Stage of Psychosocial Development represents a time when people consider the meaning and purpose of their life and what they can contribute that will have a lasting impact and legacy beyond their life.

This stage can last years and it can bring much anxiety, referred to as Existential Anxiety, along the way, especially if people try to avoid or suppress these thoughts.

What is Existential Anxiety?

In the current article, I'm focusing on Existential Anxiety as a contributing factor to OCSB as discussed in Sex Therapist Dr. Daniel N. Watter's book, The Existential Importance of the Penis.

Existential Anxiety

Existential Anxiety is the dread or panic someone experiences when they confront the limitations of their existence, including death.

For instance, one example is someone who experiences Existential Anxiety in midlife when they realize they feel stifled in their current circumstances or they haven't accomplished the things they wanted to accomplish earlier in their life (see my articles: Midlife Transitions: Reassessing Your Life and Midlife Transitions: Living the Life You Want to Live).

To make matters worse, they might realize that, due to their age and other life stage circumstances, they won't achieve what they hoped for in their life.  This realization can precipitate Existential Anxiety and an emotional crisis.  Some people refer to this as a "midlife crisis." 

Part of grappling with Existential Anxiety is accepting that death is an inevitable part of life.  This acceptance can serve to enrich life by encouraging people to live a meaningful life in whatever time they have left.

How is Existential Anxiety Related to Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)?

I believe the vast majority of people get through the psychological challenges of midlife and resolve their Existential Anxiety--even if they struggle with it for a number of years.  

However, there are many people who go through a long and difficult time with this stage and, in an attempt to ward off their Existential Anxiety, they engage in out of control behavior, including Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB).

According to Dr. Watter, Existential Anxiety, especially fear of death, often involve sexual thoughts and behavior because sex is experienced as a life force--the opposite of death.  As a result, Out of Control Sexual Behavior is often used a maladaptive way of coping by repressing or neutralizing these fears.

Other instances where OCSB can manifest is when someone reaches the age when a parent died.  For instance, when a married man reaches the age when his father died from a massive heart attack, he can experience such overwhelming anxiety that he attempts to suppress this fear by engaging in extramarital affairs (see the clinical vignette below).

According to Dr. Watter, this is often uncharacteristic behavior for this person who doesn't understand what's driving this sexual behavior.  

It's important to note that, Existential Anxiety, doesn't always lead to OCSB--even among people who increase their sexual behavior due to the anxiety.  Existential Anxiety can lead to increased sexual activity that's not always out of control.  

But for the purpose of this article, I'm focusing on OCSB and how Existential Anxiety contributes to it.  

Clinical Vignette: Existential Anxiety and Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)

The following clinical vignette illustrates how Existential Anxiety contributes to OCSB.  As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed or removed to protect confidentiality.  

Jack

When Jack was 10 years old, his father died suddenly from a massive heart attack.  His father, who was only 40 years old, had hardly ever been sick in his life, so his sudden death was a shock to the whole family, especially to Jack, who was close to his father.

Early Loss and Trauma

After his father died, as a young boy, Jack would often worry that his own heartbeat was irregular and that he might die suddenly too.  He would ask his mother repeatedly to feel his heartbeat and she would assure him that he wasn't having a heart attack.  

During adolescence, Jack and his friends were preoccupied with girls, and his fears of death weren't as much a part of his awareness.  He went on to date, enter into relationships, and he eventually got married to Celia.

Jack often thought about his father throughout his life, but he was especially preoccupied with these thoughts as he approached his 40th birthday because this was his father's age when he died.

Several months before his 40th birthday, Jack became so anxious that he had difficulty sleeping through the night.  He had frequent nightmares about seeing his father in the distance and trying to overcome obstacles--crowds of people or other physical barriers--to get to his father, all to no avail. He often woke up shaking in terror and bathed in sweat.  

During that time, Jack was assigned to manage a project at work where his boss, Alan, asked him to mentor a junior employee, Tina.  Alan assigned Tina to be Jack's assistant on the project, which included a trip to California to visit the project's client. 

Tina was an attractive single woman in her early 30s who admired Jack and who was eager to learn. Until then, throughout his 10 year marriage, Jack had never been faithful to Celia.  He often had sexual fantasies about other women, but he never thought of actually having an affair with another woman.  He loved his wife and he was satisfied with their sex life.  

But spending a week at a California hotel with Tina, who made it known that she was sexually attracted to Jack, turned out to be too much of a temptation, and they began having a passionate affair which continued when they returned to New York.

Although Jack felt guilty about cheating on his wife and lying to her about his late nights, he couldn't remember a time when he felt more alive.  His fear of death and nightmares about his father subsided.  

Although the affair ended when Tina moved out of state, Jack sought out other younger women who would be willing to have sexual affairs. At the time, Jack had no awareness that his sexual affairs were related to his fear of death.  

A few months later, Jack was having multiple affairs with several women during the same time period. He was upfront with these women that he was only interested in having affairs and he had no intention of leaving his marriage because he loved his wife and son.  He justified his uncharacteristic behavior to himself by telling himself that what his wife didn't know wouldn't hurt her.  

A year later, Jack was involved with three simultaneous affairs. He didn't know any of these women well and he was unaware that one of them, Becky, was emotionally unstable.  Even though their agreement was just to enjoy sex with no strings attached, Becky became emotionally attached to Jack. 

In a desperate and misguided attempt to have Jack to herself, Becky contacted Celia and told her about the affair.  Becky hoped that, by revealing the affair, Jack's wife would leave him and then he would be available to her.  

Celia was shocked and devastated by Becky's call. When Celia confronted Jack about Becky's call, he admitted that he was having multiple affairs and he was deeply upset that he hurt Celia.

During the two weeks when he stayed at a hotel at Celia's insistence, Jack had time to think about his infidelity and how it might cost him his marriage (see my article: Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?).

While he was at the hotel, he ended all his affairs, including his affair with Becky.  She tried to manipulate him into continuing the affair with her by threatening to commit suicide. But although her threats frightened and angered him, Jack refused to allow her to manipulate him.

When Celia allowed Jack to come home, she told him that, although she was very hurt and she didn't know if she could trust him, she felt she had invested too much emotionally in their life to end the marriage.  So, she said she would be willing to work on their relationship if he was willing to attend couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

Couples Therapy For OCSB

Their couples therapist recommended that Jack also attend sex therapy to deal with his Out of Control Sexual Behavior (see my article:  What is Sex Therapy?).

Over time, he realized in sex therapy that he never overcame the loss of his father and, as he approached the same age as when his father died, his Existential Anxiety contributed to his OCSB.

His sex therapist was also a trauma therapist so, over time, Jack worked through the unresolved trauma of his father's death and his related existential fears about his own death.  

Gradually, as Jack worked through his early loss, he no longer felt the urge to ward off his existential fears of death by having extramarital sex.  He and Celia also gradually reconciled their marriage in couples therapy.

Conclusion

Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB) can have many different contributing factors so there is no one-size-fits therapeutic approach.

An important component to overcoming OCSB is to understand the underlying issues, which are often unconscious, as in the vignette above about Jack.

Although the vignette is about a heterosexual man and OCSB is often associated with men, OCSB can occur with heterosexual women or in the LGBTQ population.

Unresolved trauma often leads to compulsive behavior due to the overwhelming anxiety involved.  This is true even for people who wouldn't normally engage in sexually compulsive behavior but who seek comfort in the sense of aliveness or distraction they experience in sexual affairs.

Understanding the underlying reasons for OCSB in no way condones it but, along with sex therapy, it's a positive step in changing this behavior.

Getting Help in Therapy

Out of Control Sexual Behavior is difficult to change on your own.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help.

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy.

A skilled sex therapist who is also a trauma therapist can help you to overcome OCSB so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

In addition to being a Sex Therapist, I am also a Trauma Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Memories of Your First Love Can Have a Profound Effect on Later Relationships - Part 2

In the first article about this topic, How Memories of Your First Love Can Affect Later Relationships, I gave examples of how characters in books and movies are often affected by their experiences with their first love--in some cases to the point of obsession.  In this article, I'll provide a fictional clinical vignette, which is a composite of many psychotherapy cases with all identifying information
changed.

Memories of Your First Love

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How Memories of Your First Love Can Affect Later Relationships:
Sam
By the time Sam turned 55, he had been struggling for several years because he felt his life had lost meaning and purpose, which is why he began psychotherapy.

Sam told his psychotherapist that he was aware that he had a lot to be grateful for: He had a kind, loving wife, his adult children were doing well, he was healthy, he was successful in a career that compensated him well, and he had good friends.  But, somewhere along the way, he felt he lost his way (see my article: Is That All There Is? When Having It All Leaves You Feeling Empty and Are You Feeling Lost?).

He accomplished the goals that he set up for himself when he was younger, and he felt that his life wasn't fulfilling any more.  He had plenty of hobbies and interests, and he and his wife traveled a lot, but none of that seemed to matter any more, and he wasn't sure why (see my articles: Midlife: Transitions: Reassessing Your Life and Midlife Transitions: Living the Life You Want to Live).

When he was younger, he approached each day as a happy challenge.  He loved his wife, Sandy, and he enjoyed raising his children.  But now, married for 30 years, he and his wife lived in New York City and his adult children lived on the West Coast, so he hardly saw them.  And after he accomplished his career goals, he was no longer excited by his career.

He told his therapist that he could retire if they wanted to, but he felt that, in his current state of malaise, he would feel even worse if he didn't have at least the structure of his work.  He was also increasingly aware that he was aging and he had more years behind him than in front of him.  He didn't want to just continue to "drift."  He felt he needed something new and exciting, but nothing seemed to excite him.

Sam and his psychotherapist continued to explore these issues in therapy.  Then, one day, Sam came in and he seemed happier and more energetic than usual.  When his psychotherapist asked him about the difference in his demeanor, he said that his former girlfriend, Becky, from college contacted him through a social media network for former college classmates, and this brought back memories of a time when he felt happy and excited about life (see my article: Romantic Reconnections).

It also brought back memories of being head-over-heels in love in his first relationship.  Just remembering that time lifted his spirits and made him feel young again.  Then, Sam remained quiet for a few moments and when he looked up, he had a sheepish look, "I have plans to meet Becky in a few days."

From the look on Sam's face, his therapist could tell that he expected her to disapprove and tell him not to do it.  But psychotherapists usually don't tell clients what to do, so she suggested that they explore this further.

"There's nothing to explore," Sam said adamantly as he looked away, "She contacted me.  She's going to be in New York City for a few days and we decided to see each other.  We haven't seen each other in over 30 years."

His psychotherapist clarified that she wasn't telling him what to do--only he could decide what he wanted to do.  She wanted to explore with him what this former relationship meant to him, what he hoped to get out of having dinner with Becky, and how he thought it would affect his relationship with his wife.

Sam thought about these questions, and then responded, "Becky was the love of my life.  Don't get me wrong--I love my wife, Sandy, but Becky was my first love.  We lived together off campus, and we were planning to get married a few months after we graduated from college.  We got an apartment together after graduation and we were in the planning stages of our wedding when I got cold feet.  I realized that I wasn't ready and that broke Becky's heart.  Soon after that, she broke up with me and moved back home with her parents.  A couple of years later, I heard from mutual friends that she married someone else, and I was devastated.  But then, my life moved on.  I met Sandy and we eventually got married.  Over time, I lost touch with my college friends, and I never heard anything more about Becky--until now...But I never stopped thinking about her.  In a way, Becky was like a ghost that hovered around even after I got married.  I would often think about her, how things could have been between us if we had gotten married, and how different my life might have been."

Sam said he wasn't sure what he wanted from his upcoming dinner with Becky. He just felt he needed to see her.  Ever since she contacted him and they spoke on the phone while he was at work, he felt happy and invigorated.  Suddenly, life felt exciting and new.  He didn't want to forgo an opportunity to see Becky.  

When his psychotherapist asked him if his wife and Becky's husband were coming along to this dinner, Sam admitted that he hadn't mentioned the call to Sandy, and Becky told him that she was divorced and single again, "I need to do this for myself.  I don't think Sandy would understand.  I told her all about Becky when we first got together, and she knows that Becky was the love of my life.  She wouldn't be comfortable with the idea of my seeing Becky again.  Anyway, I don't plan to get romantically or sexually involved with Becky.  It's just dinner."

In response, his psychotherapist asked him why he was keeping Becky's call and the upcoming dinner a secret from Sandy if he didn't plan to get involved with Becky.  Sam responded, "That's a good question.  I think I just want this for me without anyone telling me not to do it."

Then, Sam dug his heels in, and he resisted any further exploration that his therapist attempted.   

At his next psychotherapy session, Sam told his therapist that he had dinner and drinks with Becky at her hotel and they got sexually involved that night, "I didn't mean for it to happen, but we were both drinking and, before I knew it, one thing led to another...But I'm not sorry.  I realized that, more than ever, I still have strong feelings for her and she feels the same way about me.  It was as if no time had passed.  We had a passionate sex life when we were together in the past, and it felt like we just picked up where we left off.  I've been walking on air since that night.  I feel like a new person--or like the person I used to be when I was in college."

Sam told his psychotherapist that he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but he knew he didn't want to lose Becky again.  Becky told him that she was moving to New York City for a new job, and they agreed to continue to see each other, "She knows I'm still with my wife, so we agreed--no strings attached."

As Sam heard himself say these words, he hesitated, "I know it sounds like I'm having a cheap affair, but it's not--we really love each other.  Being with Becky brought back so many memories of when I was happy and carefree.  I don't want to hurt Sandy, but I can't give Becky up again.  I just can't..." (see my article: Love: Is It Really Better the Second Time Around?).

For the next few weeks, to the extent that he would allow it, Sam and his psychotherapist continued to explore these issues while he had the affair with Becky.  He acknowledged that if, somehow the affair came to light, he could ruin his marriage, but he didn't want to talk about that.

Instead, Sam talked excitedly about his memories with Becky when he was younger and how happy he was back then, "It was the happiest time of my life, and since I reconnected with Becky, I feel happy and alive again" (see my article: Feeling Alive Again After a Period of Stagnation).

His psychotherapist didn't doubt that Sam was in love with Becky, but she thought that Sam was in denial and trying to recapture a time in his life that was gone. She thought that Sam would normally feel guilty about cheating on his wife, but he was defensively keeping this new part of his life compartmentalized in his mind so he wouldn't feel the guilt.  She also knew that Sam would only become more defensive and possibly leave therapy prematurely if she brought this up to him (see my article: When Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely).

One day, Sam came in brimming over with his new found excitement and told his therapist that he and Becky were talking about living together, so he was thinking about leaving his marriage.  He emphasized that nothing had been decided yet, but even considering this possibility was exciting to him.  

Sam was so caught up in his fantasy about living with Becky that he forgot to turn off his phone while he was in his therapy session.  When he heard the cellphone tone that he had a text message, he saw that the text was from Sandy that made him turn pale.  He showed his therapist the text message, which read, "I know about Becky.  We need to talk when you come home tonight."

Sam was very shaken up by the text from his wife.  It was as if the bubble had burst for him, "I can't believe she found out. I never wanted to hurt her.  It's like I was living in an alternate universe for a while and now my two worlds have collided."

For the first time since Sam began the affair with Becky, he could no longer compartmentalize his behavior and he expressed remorse in his therapy session for cheating on his wife.  Suddenly, he realized that he had made a terrible mistake and he didn't really want to lose his wife, "I've been so selfish.  I don't want to throw away a 30 year marriage."

When Sam came in for his next therapy session, he told his therapist that his wife found a hotel key that he forgot in his pants pocket.  This led to Sandy looking through his email and she put everything together.  They had a long talk, and Sandy told him that she wouldn't stay if he continued to see Becky.  She was deeply hurt and told him that she would only consider staying in the marriage if he agreed to go to couples therapy, which he readily agreed to do.  He also called Becky in front of Sandy and told her that they couldn't see each other any more.

During the next few months, Sam did a lot of soul searching in his individual therapy and attended couples therapy to repair the damage to his marriage and rebuild trust.  Until he was faced with the loss of Sandy, he didn't realize how much she continued to mean to him, "She's right when she says that I take her for granted.  I still love her and I don't know what I would do without her" (see my article: Rebuilding Trust After an Affair).

This led to Sam exploring more deeply in his individual therapy what was meaningful to him, and he realized that nothing was more meaningful to him than his marriage and his children, "I don't know how I lost sight of that."

He said that Becky tried to reach him a few times, but he didn't take her calls.  Eventually, he blocked her number.  He felt remorse for hurting both Sandy and Becky.  He explained that when he was thinking of leaving his wife for Becky, he really fantasized that he might do it--until he was faced with the actual demise of his marriage.

Several months later, Sam decided to retire and spend more time with his wife, who had already retired.  They talked about rekindling their relationship, and they planned to travel for several weeks. They were still attending couples therapy and trying to rebuild trust.

In his individual therapy, Sam talked about how, in the past, he felt that "something was missing in my life" and "Now I know I'm what was missing in my life."  He realized that he wasn't going to revive his life by going back to old memories or a former relationship.  He also realized that, without even knowing it, he had become emotionally disengaged from his life in the last several years, and he needed to reengage, especially in his marriage, "Maybe I needed to go through this crisis to realize that."

Conclusion

It's not unusual for memories of a first love to have a profound affect on subsequent relationships.  As I mentioned in my prior article, these memories, which can even affect an otherwise good current relationship, can act as a shadow on the current relationship.  It's as if the ghost of that former relationship hangs over the current relationship.

Given the powerful nature of these memories and access to social media, more people are reconnecting with former lovers, with old and new fantasies of what was and what could still be between them.

Sometimes, the reconnection can lead to a meaningful relationship after many years of separation.  This is more likely to occur if the two people don't expect to recreate exactly what they had in the past.

For other people, as in the fictional vignette above, this often leads to an extramarital affair as a way to try to recapture a sense of self from the past.  If one or both people defensively compartmentalize the affair as a separate part of each of their lives, the affair can go on for a long time without remorse.  The compartmentalization wards off guilt.

But if the affair comes to light, it can have disastrous effects for current relationships.  This often takes people out of their compartmentalized fantasies to deal with the crisis.  Where it goes from there depends on the people involved.  Sometimes, this will mean the end of one or both relationships.  Other times, the crisis can bring positive change (see my article: How a Crisis Can Open You to Positive Change).  Either way, there will be a lot to work through for everyone involved.

Getting Help in Therapy
Powerful memories of a first love can come back with an unexpected force which upends your life and your current relationship.

If you're open to it, psychotherapy can help you to explore the effect of these memories and your decision-making process before you take steps based on memories (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Although a psychotherapist can't tell you what to do, a skilled therapist can help you to understand what is going on in your inner world if you're willing to explore these issues (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you feel stuck and confused about a problem in your life, you owe it to yourself to get help in psychotherapy.  Being able to work through an unresolved problem can free you up so you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to work through unresolved problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Memories of Your First Love - Part 1

Memories of your first love can have a profound effect on subsequent relationships.  It doesn't matter how old you are or if you're happy in your current relationship or not.  Your first experience of love can leave a lasting imprint on you (see my article: The One That Got Away).

Memories of Your First Love

Books and Movies About the Lasting Effect of a First Love on Later Relationships
Since this is a common experience for many people, this theme often comes up in popular books and movies:

     Call Me By Your Name:
In the book, Call Me By Your Name by Andre Aciman, Elio is a 17 year old boy who falls in love with Oliver, a graduate student who comes to stay with Elio's family in their summer home in Italy for six weeks.  Throughout his life, Elio has other romantic relationships, but his first experience of love with Oliver has a profound effect on him and his subsequent relationships.

The book, which goes 20 years beyond the movie, illustrates how memories of a first love remain imprinted on the protagonist, who experiences an enduring love and a longing for Oliver throughout his life (see my articles: Call Me By Your Name - Part 1: "Is It Better to Speak or to Die?" and Call Me By Your Name - Part 2: The Concept of Parallel Lives).

     The Sense of an Ending:  
The Sense of an Ending is a book by Julian Barnes which was made into a movie.  The protagonist, Tony, has memories of his first relationship that create an obsession to find out what really happened to his first love.  He is now in his 60s, retired, divorced, and on amicable terms with his ex-wife and his adult daughter.  But he is driven by an unsolved mystery involving a memory about his first love, Veronica, and a love triangle from his early 20s.

     45 Years:
In the movie, 45 Years, memories of a first love come to haunt a husband, who is happily married to his wife for 45 years.  They are about to celebrate their 45th anniversary when he receives a letter which brings him back to his youth and his experience with his first love.  These enduring memories begin to threaten his well-being and the equilibrium of his otherwise happy marriage (see my article: An Old Secret Haunts a Happy Long Term Marriage).

     The Reader:
In the book and the movie, The Reader (book by Bernard Schlink), which take place in post-war German, 15 year old Michael meets Hanna, an enigmatic older woman.  His experiences with Hanna have a life-changing effect on him that endure long into his adulthood.  The book and the movie show how much he changes from the loving and open teenager that he was at the beginning of the story to an emotionally distant man who has superficial relationships with women--someone who is struggling to make sense of his first relationship with Hanna.

I could go on with many more examples, but these books and movies, which are part of our popular culture, illustrate how people are often changed forever by their early romantic experiences.

Memories of a First Love For Clients in Psychotherapy
As a psychotherapist in New York City, I often see clients who are still very attached to their early memories of their first love--even though they are in stable relationships.  There is something very powerful about these experiences that often take over their imagination.

And now it's relatively easy and so tantalizing to contact a first love on social media (see my article: Romantic Reconnections).

For some people, this is really more about themselves than it is about the other person.  They're remembering their youth and who they were back then.  In addition to a wish to recapture their youth,  for other people it's also about their wish to realize a fantasy of what it would be like to be in that relationship again.

Needless to say, if people allow themselves to get caught up in the fantasy, it could work out or it can have disastrous consequences when reality doesn't live up to the fantasy and a spouse leaves an otherwise happy marriage to pursue his or her first love (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real).

This is often a topic of discussion for many clients in psychotherapy, especially clients who are in midlife and looking back on their lives (see my articles: Midlife Transitions: Reassessing Your Life and Midlife Transitions: Living the Life You Want to Live).

In a future article, I'll continue to discuss this topic.

Conclusion
Memories of your first love can remain with you throughout your life.  Beyond nostalgia, these romantic memories can revive an old relationship or they can create upheaval in your life as well as the lives of your loved ones.

Many people reach out to their first love on social media in an effort to recapture what they once felt or to relive a part of their lives that has been over for a long time--often with mixed results.

Books and movies about this subject have become popular because this experience is so ubiquitous and can be all consuming.

See Part 2: Memories of Your First Love Can Have a Profound Effect on Later Relationships - Part 2

Getting Help in Therapy
Separating reality from fantasy can be difficult when you're caught up in memories of a first love from the past.

If you're struggling with these memories or the possibility of rekindling a relationship from a long time ago, you could benefit psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Although a psychotherapist won't tell you what to do, a skilled therapist can help you to work this issue through for yourself (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you can take the first step by setting up an appointment with a psychotherapist for an initial consultation.

Being able to work through these issues can help you to make important decisions and to regain a sense of well-being.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients who are struggling with midlife and other big decisions in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
.

Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself

Developing your own definition of happiness and success for yourself is part of an important personal growth and development process.

Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself

Throughout the different stages of your life, you could find yourself redefining what happiness and success means to  you as you grow and change.

It's not unusual for people to change what they want, especially as they approach midlife and reevaluate their lives (see my articles:  Midlife Transitions: Reassessing Your Life and Midlife Transitions: Living the Life You Want).

Sometimes, what seemed important at an earlier stage in your life becomes less important later on in life.

Maturity, life experience, losses, aging, surviving a serious illness and other important experiences can contribute to your need to reevaluate your life and what makes you happy.

The following brief fictionalized scenarios are examples of how people change their minds about what's important to them:

Larry:

Larry came from a long line of doctors in his family.  His great grandfather, grandfather, father and older brother were all doctors.  So, from an early age, his family urged him to follow in his family's footsteps to become a doctor.

Redefining Happiness Success For Yourself

Although Larry was interested in painting, his father urged him to forget about his artwork and concentrate on science and math.

Fifteen years after Larry graduated from medical school, he was a successful cardiologist at a prestigious hospital, but he was deeply unhappy.  Although he cared about his patients, he was disenchanted with all the changes in the health field and he longed to get back to painting.

Burnt out and at his wit's end, he began therapy to explore what he wanted to do with the rest of his life.  Gradually, over time, Larry realized that he allowed his family to dictate what it meant to be successful and happy because he didn't want to disappoint them.  And, although he was good at taking care of his patients, he wasn't nurturing himself.  So, he decided to cut back on his hours to give himself time to paint.

Once he began painting, he felt more emotionally integrated and approached his work as a cardiologist with a new sense of purpose and devotion.  He also began to think about spending more time painting when he retired.

Mary

Mary spent most of her adult life in banking.  She started as a teller and worked her way up to a position as a managing director.  Although the work was financially rewarding, Mary felt that something was missing in her life.  She was two years away from retirement and she found herself daydreaming about running a bed and breakfast in the country.

Initially, she pushed these thoughts out of her head because they seemed so far fetched to her.  But, over time, as this daydream continued to occupy her thoughts, she realized that she needed to pay attention to them.

Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself

When she approached her husband about it, he was surprised at first because Mary had never mentioned this to him before.  But the idea of moving out of the city, living in the country and running a small bed and breakfast began to appeal to him.  Their children were already grown and on their own.  With their retirement savings, they could afford to do it.

The main challenge for Mary was that, since she was in her early 20s, she had defined herself, to a large extent, based on her career in banking.  She was also very successful in her field and she derived satisfaction from being recognized as successful.  Retiring from banking and running a bed and breakfast would be a big change.

As she discussed her daydreams with her therapist, she began to feel more comfortable with the idea of making plans for this major change.

Martin

Martin spent his 20s working as a flight attendant.  Although he loved the travel benefits, he found the work uninspiring.

After a close friend died suddenly from a brain aneurysm, Martin began to reevaluate his life.  He realized that life is short and he wanted to do something that had meaning for him.   But he didn't know what he wanted to do.

Feeling lost and confused, he began therapy to explore these questions.  As he opened up to his internal experience in therapy, he realized that he wanted to help others.  Exploring many options by talking to people in various medical and social service settings, he decided to become a social worker.

Redefining Success For Yourself

Although giving up the travel benefits was hard, as Martin began his first internship in the social services field, he knew that he had made the right choice.  Working with children and seeing the difference that he made in their lives was the most fulfilling experience of his life.

Conclusion

These fictionalized scenarios are just a few examples of how people grapple with a need for change and a process of redefining what is meaningful to them.

These types of changes are often preceded with ambivalence and anxiety.  In many circumstances, it can feel like you're stepping into the unknown, which is why people going through this process often find it helpful to work with an experienced mental health professional who can help them to understand and work through the underlying issues, including deep underlying fears, that might be holding them back.

Getting Help in Therapy
Asking for help isn't always easy.  Anticipating change can also be anxiety provoking.

If you're struggling with your own definition of what it means for you to be successful and happy or you identify with one of the fictionalized scenarios above, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Working with a licensed psychotherapist, you can explore your own anxiety and ambivalence about what it means to be successful and happy, and overcome the underlying issues that might be getting in your way.

Seeing a licensed psychotherapist to help you to discover what makes you happy can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Midlife Transitions - Part 2: Living the Life You Want to Live

In my last article, I began a discussion about midlife transitions by defining it, giving some of the possible symptoms and possible challenges involved.  In this article, I've provided a scenario to illustrate the points that I outlined in Part 1).

Midlife Transitions: Living Life the Life You Want to Live

The following scenario, which is a fictionalized account that represents many cases with all identifying information changed, is an example of someone who is going through a midlife transition, the challenges that he faced, and how he was helped in therapy.

Ed
Ed was in his life 40s when he began to feel a growing sense of dissatisfaction and unease about his life, especially his career.

After he obtained his MBA, he chose a career in finance while he was still in his mid-20s because he

enjoyed his finance courses in college and he wanted a career that would allow him a lifestyle that was different from his parents' lifestyle.

Having grown up in a family where his parents struggled to make ends meet, Ed knew he never wanted to live that way, so he chose a career where he and his family could live comfortably.

During his 25 year marriage, he felt proud that he and his family lived a comfortable life and he put his two children through college without his children having to go into debt.

He was also glad that he survived many of the changes, including many rounds of layoffs, in his field.

But Ed was aware that he was feeling an increasing sense of malaise at work.  What once made him happy in his career no longer held his interest.

Midlife Transition

He began to question whether he was living his life according to his core values.  And the more he questioned what he was doing in his career, the more he realized that his career choice now felt out of synch with his core values.

During his time in high school and freshman year in college, Ed was involved with volunteer activities that gave him a sense of satisfaction, including volunteering with a reading program where he read to young children in elementary school and volunteering at a no-kill animal shelter.  Both programs were important to him because he liked being around young children and he also liked animals.

During his early years in college, he thought he would choose a major that would be part of one of the helping professions.  But as time went on, Ed decided that it was more important to him to earn a good living and never struggle financially like his parents did, so he majored in Economics in college and obtained an MBA in graduate school.

For a time, after he got married, he was able to continue the volunteer activities, which gave him so much satisfaction.  But after he and his wife began having children and he had to put in long hours at work, he stopped volunteering because he didn't have enough time.

Now, just weeks away from his 48th birthday, Ed realized that he wasn't happy at work any more.  Even though he had been promoted and well compensated over the years, his career and his compensation no longer made him happy, and he wasn't sure what to do.

Midlife Transitions: Living the Life You Want to Live

As he became increasingly preoccupied with his dissatisfaction and after several nights of tossing and turning, he spoke to his wife, Susan, about his sense of malaise.

Susan told him that she noticed that he was irritable and grumpy, and she asked him what he wanted to do.  In response, Ed just threw up his hands--he didn't know what to do.  He couldn't just quit his job.

In the past, Ed tended to be a goal-oriented person and he wasn't usually at a loss about what to do when making major life decisions, so this was a new experience for him.  It was confusing and disheartening, and as time went on, it was starting to erode Ed's sense of self confidence.

Susan suggested that Ed consider seeing a psychotherapist to help him to sort things out and make some decisions.  But Ed had never been in therapy before.  He was concerned that therapy would take a long time, and he felt he didn't want to wait a long time to deal with his feelings.

So, Ed spoke with a close friend, Bill, who had been to therapy and asked Bill what he thought.  Bill told Ed that he was helped a lot in therapy when he was facing a major life decision similar to Ed's dilemma.

He told Ed that there are different type of therapists and different types of therapy.  He told Ed that if he wanted an interactive therapist who works in a dynamic way, he should ask about this when he called to make an appointment and get more details when he went for the consultation.

Even though the thought of going to therapy made Ed feel uncomfortable, the prospect of struggling on his own with this issue made him feel even more uncomfortable, so he started looking for a therapist and asking each one how s/he worked.

After a few consultations, Ed found a therapist who was interactive and dynamic.  They worked together to help Ed to discover what he really wanted at this point in his life so that he could take action.

Working together with the therapist, Ed realized that what was once important to him, working in finance and having a high income, was no longer important to him.  He liked being well compensated, but the money didn't compensate for his lack of satisfaction at work.

Exploring Core Values in Therapy and Developing Goals

He and his therapist explored Ed's core values and his current interests, and he was surprised to discover that he had been dissatisfied for quite some time, but he wasn't allowing himself to feel it.

With continued self exploration, Ed was surprised to realize that his volunteer work with children gave him the most satisfaction.  He realized that he wanted to set up his own volunteer reading program where adults would read to children to help them develop an interest in books and reading.

He knew that he couldn't establish this program overnight and he would need to do research and write a grant proposal.  This would take time and effort to establish.

It would also take time for Ed to see himself in a new way.  For most of his life, Ed defined himself in terms of his career.  He wondered what it might be like for him to see himself in this new way after so many years.

Once Ed made up his mind to proceed, he was excited about this new prospect.  More and more, he could imagine himself happily engaged in this new endeavor.  He felt his old confidence coming back, and he realized that this new project would be aligned with his core values.

He and Susan talked about this change and they realized that within two years Ed could retire from his finance job with a compensation package that would still allow them to live comfortably while Ed worked on his new project.

Each week Ed talked in therapy about how he was adjusting emotionally to seeing himself in this new way and how he was dealing with the challenges, both emotional and practical, that were involved.

As he came closer to his retirement, he discussed his idea with his boss and discovered that his firm was interested in contributing financially to the project.

Midlife Transitions: Living the Life You Want to Live

By the time Ed retired and began his new program, he was feeling more alive and full of purpose than he had in many years.  He and his wife were also closer and enjoying each other's company more than ever.  He knew he had made the right decision.

Conclusion
There are as many variations to midlife transitions as there are people who are going through these changes.

Everyone responds to change differently, especially major life changes.

Reevaluating life during your midlife is a common experience for most people.

People are often surprised to discover that they're yearning to return to vocation or interest that they abandoned many years ago.

Midlife is a time to evaluate your life thus far and make important decisions about how you want to live and how you'll accomplish your goals.

People are also surprised that once they've discovered what how they want to live and what they want to do, they experienced a renewed energy and greater satisfaction with life.

Getting Help in Therapy
Major life changes can be challenging as well as exhilarating.

Self exploration to discover what changes you want to make can be difficult to do on your own, especially if you fear making changes.

Struggling on your own with inner conflict and indecision can waste valuable time and can lead nowhere.

Working with a licensed psychotherapist, who works in an interactive and dynamic way, who can help you do the in-depth exploration of your inner world as well as helping you to take action once you've decided what you want to do, can be invaluable.

A skilled therapist can facilitate the process and help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many people to make changes in their life so they're leading the life they want to lead.

I use many different modalities and work in a creative, dynamic and interactive way.

To find out  more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.